4 Keys to Finding the Support You Need After Divorce

As human beings, we are wired to connect and belong. When we become alienated from or rejected by our communities, families, or society, we may feel adrift and lost.

This profound feeling of isolation and being on the outside of the circle of connection is a common aspect of getting divorced. No matter how much support you have or seek, it’s difficult to escape the experience of alienation.

One of the main reasons people get married and start a family is to create a life that embodies connection and a sense of belonging. This may be particularly true when our own nuclear families are broken or detached.

You are designed to seek a sense of connection for your survival. Our ancestors couldn’t survive without community—fellow cave dwellers, villages of people.

When your marriage ends and divorce fragments your social system, you understandably flounder and struggle to belong. Friends may disappear, children may be uprooted or choose sides, family may reject or misunderstand, and everyone else may seem (or even be) indifferent.

Finding support is essential as you rediscover your sense of belonging and connection. It’s the first step you should take, in fact.

You need a village of people who welcome and embrace you within the context of your transition.

You need to become part of a tribe, not a demographic.

Finding support is essential as you rediscover your sense of belonging and connection. It’s the first step you should take, in fact.

Metaphorically, transitioning through divorce is like crossing a hanging bridge connecting two mountains, with a fire burning behind you. You have to cross, but feel afraid of whether the supports beneath your feet will hold.

You had faith in where you were, and now you’re forced to have faith in your ability to get where you need to go. You are forced to renew your faith in humanity even as you lose faith in your partner and the life you thought you’d have.

Your feelings of exclusion from the life you had are real, but generalizing this feeling to your greater circle is often irrational and puts you on a slippery slope toward isolation.

Here are four steps to take in this important journey toward reconnection:

1. Join a support group: The power of group support in helping a person to heal from difficult times is well documented. Any recovery process is likely to be more successful with a strong support system that offers safety and accessible people to talk to when things get rough. Hearing other people’s stories may serve to normalize your experience and make you feel like you belong.
2. Participate in online forums: Joining a chat room, message board, or commenting on blogs may generate a sense of community. Reading about other people’s stories may align you with others, and offering your own words of support may help you to feel like you’re part of something greater.
3. Attend events and get involved: Head out to some classes or events in your community even if they are unrelated to divorce. Participating in a movement or being part of someone else’s passion may connect you to people with an intention. Your goal is to feel like you’re part of something, and this could be anything that touches your heart or inspires you.
4. Align with outliers: Our world is filled with pockets of people who don’t feel “normal” or like they belong. The aging population, disabled people, and LGBT people are just a few examples of groups who often struggle to be accepted. Recognizing that you walk this earth among diverse and unique human beings may put your situation into perspective. You may feel alone, but you are actually one of many who struggle to find their place.

You deserve to be included, regardless of what is happening in your life. Embracing this sense of self-value in the midst of feeling rejected is challenging, but very possible with a shift in mind-set.

There will always be people who don’t understand, who alienate and drift away in times of need. You cannot control this aspect of your experience, but you can control your relationship to yourself.

Be mindful not to alienate or reject yourself. We can be our worst enemies at times when we need a good friend most.

Be that friend to yourself.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Andra Brosh, PhD

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