Infidelity / Affair Recovery

Overview of Infidelity: Infidelity in a committed relationship can obviously be a great strain on both partners and on the relationship itself. Often, an affair ends a relationship, and sometimes it may take the other partner completely by surprise, leaving that person feeling devastated, alone, betrayed, jealous, confused, and aggrieved. Some people seek therapy at such a time to help recover and move on.

Extramarital affairs are a frequent occurrence; for better or worse, long-term, exclusiveness is an exception to the rule in human behavior, yet we vow to do it, and often fail to keep our word. This fact may be of small comfort, but perhaps it can remove a bit of the shame that sometimes accompanies the experience of infidelity: affairs are common.

Many couples choose to continue their relationship after one or more affairs. In therapy, the choice of the couple will be respected and the therapist will serve the couple’s goal to remain united. Therapy can help each partner express their emotions and needs in a safe space and can guide the couple to through the process of healing the betrayl. Therapy can also help each partner uncover and verbalize their level of commitment to the relationship. And therapy can teach the partners skills for repairing trust, as well as help them to foresee potential pitfalls in the future, and improve the chance of avoiding those habits, temptations, and behaviors.

A therapist can also help each person see more clearly the true nature of the relationship. While the couple’s initial goal of staying united must be respected, there may arise some exceptions – and different therapists may have different philosophies about this, depending on the couple, and on the therapeutic approach practiced. A therapist may point out inconsistencies in the relationship, encourage an open evaluation of the relationship’s strengths, and, if the therapist recognizes a clearly unhealthful pattern, such as codependency or emotional abuse, in repeated affairs, she may even encourage one or both of the partners to reconsider staying together. Many people perceive infidelity by a partner as a personal failure on their own part. Therapy can help work through those feelings, make sense of this unfortunately common experience, and obtain a new perspective.

The Medical Model and Infidelity: People who repeatedly have affairs may suffer from a compulsive disorder and/or may be masking depression, anxiety, and self-worth and self-love issues. Also, a diagnosis of an adjustment disorder is quite possible in the aftermath of an affair. More difficult transitions may lead to a diagnosis of depression, anxiety disorder, sleep disorders, or, in some cases, when people use chemicals to deal with the stress and sadness, an addiction or dependency issue. People who have a dependent personality disorder may have great difficulty adjusting to an affair by a partner, as may those diagnosed with narcissistic personality. Codependent relationships may actually revolve around repeated affairs.

Case Examples of Infidelity:

Trudy, 27, seeks therapy because she is feeling very guilty for cheating on her partner, an affair she recently ended. Trudy has not yet revealed her infidelity to her partner and is terrified of doing so, as she does not want this relationship to end, and does not want to hurt her partner’s feelings. Trudy feels she “ought” to tell her partner but isn’t sure it’s the best course. The therapist helps Trudy clarify what her motivations for telling or not telling might be, and what the possible consequences of each path are. Once Trudy has decided that her commitment to honesty requires her to tell her partner, the therapist helps her prepare for this task, and afterwards, to manage her anxiety. Couple’s work with a different therapist is recommended to help the pair recover further.

Don and Felicia, in their 40’s, enter couple’s counseling after Don reveals he has a mistress, and isn’t sure he is ready to stop seeing her. Felicia is angry and depressed, feeling she should leave the marriage but “still in love with Don.” The therapist forms an agreement with the couple that they will decide whether to continue the marriage or dissolve it within one month. Don breaks off his affair, but is still very ambivalent. The therapist helps the couple uncover long-standing problems with intimacy in their marriage, and Don admits to other, previous affairs. Don and Felicia are both recommended to simultaneous, separate individual therapy – Don, to work on his compulsions, and Felicia to work through feelings of inadequacy and anger. After several months, Felicia decides she needs a trial separation, and Don admits he is still having an affair; however, they continue therapy together. Don finally ends his affair. A year later, the couple reunites and begins picking up the pieces with help from the therapist.

Therapy for Infidelity: There is a wide range of Psychotherapy Treatment Models or types of therapy used in the treatment of issues related to infidelity. Most of these approaches fall into three historic camps of psychology: Psychoanalytic / Psychodynamic approaches; Behaviorism and; Humanism. Marriage Counseling is a very important part of repairing and healing a relationship following infidelity. Regardless of the type of therapy, there are some generally agreed upon elements of healthy therapy which are universal to all forms of psychotherapy. Before beginning therapy for infidelity or any other issue, it is helpful to familiarize oneself with these elements.

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Infidelity / Affair Recovery Article Summaries