Repression describes the unconscious act of burying distressing memories or feelings. Once buried, these memories are no longer a part of a person’s awareness, unless they someday retrieve, or uncover, the memories.

Psychologists have long debated the recovery of repressed memories and whether memories that people retrieve are real.

An Overview of Repression Psychology

Memory repression, a psychological concept introduced by Sigmund Freud, is a controversial topic. According to Freud, a person faced with something too difficult to accept might unconsciously reject that information. They then effectively forget what happened, though Freud found some people seemed to later recall lost memories, particularly under hypnosis.

The late 1980s and 1990s saw a rise in allegations of child abuse in the United States as many people began to recall, often with the help of counselors, memories of abuse and other traumatic events they said they had repressed. The number of claims that surfaced led many psychologists and other experts to question whether these memories were valid.

Researchers cannot ethically study repression of traumatic memories in a controlled setting, so it’s difficult to know exactly how repression works. Studies of people who have recovered repressed memories have yielded inconclusive results. Some repressed “memories” were eventually found to be false, while others may have been real memories that truly were repressed. One study from 1992 found that, among 100 women who had experienced abuse, 38 either did not remember the abuse or denied it.

According to the American Psychological Association, abuse and trauma can affect children and adults in different ways. Children, for example, may have trouble storing their memories after experiencing abuse, which can affect how they remember what happened. Other mechanisms such as dissociation may also affect memory. If a person dissociates, they may not have access to their memory for some time, perhaps years. But this is not the same as repression.

Do Repressed Memories Hide Psychological Trauma?

According to repression theory, repressed or suppressed (consciously forgotten) traumatic memories may contribute to emotional distress and potentially affect behavior and mental health.

There’s no hard evidence either for or against the repression of traumatic memories. Many researchers and mental health professionals do agree it may be possible to repress and later recover memories, but many also generally agree this is most likely quite rare. Some experts believe memories may be repressed, but that once these memories are lost, they can’t be recovered.

Some experts believe memories may be repressed, but that once these memories are lost, they can’t be recovered.

Many people have recalled memories while already working with a therapist or counselor, and some recalled memories under hypnosis. Some experts believe this implies retrieved memories are often suggested and therefore likely to be false. Other people have recalled memories of abuse or another traumatic event on their own before reaching out for counseling or other support as a result. While some of these individuals may have experienced mental health issues that contributed to their desire to seek help, not every person experienced psychological distress before recalling memories.

Research on repressed memories and trauma has yielded inconclusive results. A 2012 study showed people may falsely remember details of traumatic events, and other research has supported this. Extensive research has also shown it’s possible to suggest false memories to people, who later recalled these fake memories as vividly as their true memories.

The results of a 2017 research review indicate people with posttraumatic stress (PTSD), depression, or a history of trauma may be more likely to create false memories when they’re exposed to information that relates to their experience.

On the other hand, a 2015 study looking at the retrieval of stressful memories in mice found that mice only remembered an electric shock when they returned to the same brain state. This suggests memories could possibly be repressed until the brain returns to a similar state of stress. This knowledge has implications for treatment, study authors say, since when memories can’t be accessed they may put a person at risk for mental health concerns and affect treatment outcomes.

The position of the APA is that most people who experience abuse or other trauma in childhood remember at least part of what happened. The APA does not deny the possibility of repressed memories of abuse and recommends people who believe they may have recovered memories of abuse reach out to a therapist or counselor. A trained, ethical mental health professional can offer help and support without immediately denying or validating the recovered memory.

False Memory Syndrome: An Obstacle on the Path to Memory Recovery

Attempting to recover repressed memories poses issues for consideration. Many retrieved memories of childhood sexual abuse were recalled through hypnosis or guided visualization. Some mental health experts believe these techniques are not highly reliable. Attempts to retrieve repressed memories also created new symptoms in some people getting help for other mental health issues.

Multiple studies have shown it’s possible to implant false memories in people, who then believe and describe the memories even more vividly than actual memories. It’s generally impossible to determine whether most recovered memories are true or false. People often recall what happened in clear detail, and they may be impacted by what they remember. A 2018 study, on the other hand, found that recovered memories in people not receiving mental health treatment were often vague or unclear. This is quite different from descriptions of reportedly retrieved memories.

False memory syndrome describes a person’s belief that recovered “memories” are real when they are not, to the extent that it may affect their life and emotional health. Research has found that some people, particularly those already getting help for certain mental health concerns, may be more suggestible and more likely to develop false memories if certain events are suggested. Because recovered memories of sexual abuse can have a serious impact on an individual’s life, many experts consider determining whether recovered memories might be true a matter of importance.

If Repression Isn’t the Answer, What Is?

People who experience certain mental health concerns or emotional distress may wonder what contributed to their symptoms. Risk factors for a number of mental health conditions include childhood abuse and trauma. Many people diagnosed with certain concerns, such as borderline personality, do have a past history of abuse or neglect. But this factor may be linked to these conditions so strongly that some believe it’s always the cause, not merely one of many possible contributing factors.

One study found many people who thought they would probably seek therapy in the future also believed they had repressed memories of abuse that therapy could help them recover. Study authors say this relationship suggests these people are at higher risk for creating false memories in therapy, simply by believing they could have these memories.

It’s important to remember many factors contribute to the development of mental health issues. Trauma can play a part, but it isn’t always the cause. Genetics, brain chemistry, present patterns of relating to others, and environmental factors can all affect mental health and lead to emotional distress.

Conclusion

It’s not yet known exactly how or why some people might repress traumatic memories and later recover them. Memory repression is a controversial topic, and scientists and psychologists have a range of opinions on the subject.

Seeking support is important, whether the recalled memory is true or false. If you experience emotional distress or other mental health symptoms, it’s important to reach out. If memories of abuse affect you negatively, a therapist or counselor can help you work toward healing. A good therapist will remain unbiased during treatment. They won’t accuse you of making up the memory. But they also won’t assure you the memory must be true.

Mental health experts encourage both mental health professionals and people seeking help to approach the possibility of repressed memories with caution. Researchers do not discount all recovered memories, but “recovered” memories may be false, particularly when retrieved through guidance or suggestion.

References:

1. American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Memories of childhood abuse. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/memories.aspx
2. Chiu, C. D. (2018). Phenomenological characteristics of recovered memory in nonclinical individuals. Psychiatry Research, 259, 135-141. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2017.10.021
3. Depue, B. E. (2010). False memory syndrome. The Corsini Encyclopedia of Psychology. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9780470479216.corpsy0346
4. False memory syndrome. (2013). Encyclopaedia Britannica. Retrieved from https://www.britannica.com/science/false-memory-syndrome
5. Garssen, B. (2007). Repression: Finding our way in the maze of concepts. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 30(6), 471-481. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10865-007-9122-7
6. Jovasevic, V., Corcoran, K. A., Leaderbrand, K., Yamawaki, N., Guedea, A. L., Chen, H. J., Shepherd, G. M. G., & Radulovic, J. (2015). GABAergic mechanisms regulated by miR-33 encode state-dependent fear. Nature Neuroscience, 18(9), 1,265-1,271. Retrieved from https://www.scholars.northwestern.edu/en/publications/gabaergic-mechanisms-regulated-by-mir-33-encode-state-dependent-f
7. Kaplan, R., & Manicavasagar, V. (2001). Is there a false memory syndrome? A review of three cases. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 42(4), 342-348. doi: 10.1053/comp.2001.24588
8. Laney, C & Loftus, E. F. (2005). Traumatic memories are not necessarily accurate memories. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 50(13). Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/070674370505001303
9. Loftus, E. F. (1993). The reality of repressed memories. The American Psychologist, 48(5), 518-537. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8507050
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In day-to-day life, we often spend a lot of time holding in the feelings and thoughts we have about others. These thoughts may be about people we love, someone we’re in relationship with, those we work with, or even just people we dislike but need to interact with regularly.

Life is about relationships; the quality of those relationships can contribute to how fully alive and happy we get to be. The authenticity and honesty in our closest relationships are strong markers for a healthy life—but we still hold back.

Why Do We Hold Back?

Part of the reason for this is maturity. Many of us know what it’s like to be with a child who doesn’t have a filter. They might tell a stranger that they’re ugly or let Great-Aunt Abigail know that her birthday gift was the same as last year’s—and it wasn’t appreciated then! This child hasn’t yet learned that little white lies can be okay and that there are times we aren’t blatantly honest in order to protect the feelings of others.

Another contributing factor is that we can get so used to holding in our thoughts and feelings that we lose awareness of them. And when they do make it awareness, we often say, “Bah! It’s not that big of a deal. Forget it.”

There goes another repressed feeling.

When Repressed Thoughts and Feelings Surface

Maybe we unload into a journal or speak with a friend or partner (not about them, but about each other.) Perhaps those feelings get displaced onto others, or even somatized into physical symptoms. Suddenly, all the little things we didn’t think were important are coming out in unexpected, unhelpful, and unhealthy ways.

We must learn to bring into consciousness the small cuts that build up in our lives and hold us back from more intimate relationships.

We think, “Okay. Let’s head to therapy! That will help with my anger, anxiety, or depression.”

In a counseling session, we may talk about Great-Aunt Abigail’s cheapness and how it seems to show how little she’s cared for us all along. Maybe we talk about a demeaning boss with whom we can never express our full frustration. Perhaps we get to share about all our friends who willingly take and take but never seem to return all we do for them.

Realizing Your Therapist Is Human

We should talk about all of these issues with our counselor. But over time, something else often becomes apparent: we discover our therapist is also a human being. We begin holding back the same kinds of thoughts and feelings from them.

A few examples of these thoughts include:

• “They looked at the clock a few more times than they usually do, but maybe they’re just hungry and looking forward to lunch. Never mind that it made me feel expendable.”
• “Okay, they stumbled when remembering my child’s name—I’ve only been talking about the little brat for 8 months now. But they must have so many clients, right?”
• “That was definitely a yawn. A yawn! How dare they. Oh, come on, it’s 8 p.m. It’s not a big deal. Stop thinking about it.”

Why Should I Share These Thoughts With My Therapist?

We often censor feelings and thoughts about our therapists because we know that’s the mature thing to do. We certainly won’t make too many friends if we’re constantly telling the people in our lives how they’ve let us down. But we’re not in our “daily lives” in therapy. We’re in therapy. We’re in this experimental petri dish to get to know ourselves better, something we can only do in relationship to someone else. We must learn to bring into consciousness the small cuts that build up in our lives and hold us back from more intimate relationships.

Talking with your therapist about any of the thoughts listed above may not get them to change or apologize, although that may happen. The main purpose of verbalizing these feelings is to give you the experience of exploring how these slights, which are most likely replicated in real life and often in bigger ways, affect you and your relationships with others. Discussing these thoughts in a trusting therapeutic relationship can help you work toward spending less energy holding them in on a regular basis. It can help to find a trusted therapist near you with whom you can explore these feelings.

Over time, you may find you are not holding grudges for as long as you used to or that your expressions of anger are not as strong as they’ve been in the past. This may mean you’ve begun to release yourself from the grasp of those slights and the repressed thoughts that often accompany them.

What feelings were denied you as a child?

Did your parents or caregivers say:

• “I don’t ever want to hear those words again” in response to your anger?
• “I’ll give you something to cry about” when you felt sad?
• “Don’t touch yourself there” when you experienced pleasure?
• “You don’t really feel that, do you?”—denying your experience altogether?

While some feelings may have been allowed, we’ve all experienced the discomfort of others around our more “negative” emotional expressions. This can be especially problematic in romantic relationships. In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, PhD explores “forbidden feelings” and the concept of repression. He writes: “Your angry feelings, your sexual feelings, and a host of other ‘antisocial’ thoughts and feelings were pushed deep inside of you and were not allowed to see the light of day.”

Hendrix acknowledges that the rules of emotional expression differ between men and women. Starting in early childhood, what’s “allowed” for boys and what’s “allowed” for girls is clear.

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He notes that, for boys, emotional expression or the expression of empathy is perceived as weakness or fear. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged toward these tender exchanges.

Males learn to cut off their own emotional experiences, which, in turn, impacts their ability to express themselves clearly and to develop empathy for partners. The cutoff often looks like withdrawal, leaving the more emotionally expressive partner to chase after the distant one.

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In my work with both heterosexual and same-sex couples, I have seen these patterns play out repeatedly. Men and women repress their feelings based on a host of unique factors.

Factors that influence emotional repression date back to early childhood. These can include influential personalities in the person’s family of origin, cultural and religious background, definitions of masculinity and femininity, trauma, the political climate, and more.

Some of my most meaningful work with a person occurs when they learn how to undo their own emotional repression. Here are some of the steps we take to help them emotionally evolve.

1. Learn Emotional Language

When repressed enough, partners lose their ability to retrieve the language of emotions. Evidence of this may include responses such as “I don’t know” or “I can’t describe it” when a person is asked how they feel.

We start small, reviewing the six most basic human emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, love, and surprise. But knowing the feelings is not always enough to name them in the moment.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow.

2. Work from the Outside In

Feelings register in the body. We typically feel our emotions in our throats, behind our eyes, in our torsos (including back and chest), in our bellies, and sometimes in our legs, arms, hands, and feet. Knowing the sensations of the body helps you connect your experience to the learned emotional language. Heat in your cheeks might connect to anger, a lump in your throat might indicate sadness, loss of breath may connect to surprise, and butterflies in the belly or ice-cold palms may mean fear.

Notice your reactions to conversations and experiences, pay attention to your body, and begin to make the connections for yourself.

3. Verbalize the Feeling

Once you tune into the sensation and connect it to the relevant feeling word, you can verbalize the feeling by sharing with your partner. You can say, for example, “I’m aware that I have butterflies in my stomach and that I feel scared,” or, “I can feel my heart pounding right now; I know I’m angry and I need time to cool off.”

Being able to verbalize your feelings gives you and your partner a chance to communicate about what’s fueling them and why they may be uncomfortable.

Conclusion

When you complete all three steps, you’re overcoming emotional repression. You’re no longer detaching from your feelings. You’re no longer denying yourself the right to speak up about your experience. You’re allowing others to know you more deeply.

Of course, there are other feelings words, such as disappointment, loss, confusion, bewilderment, hope, excitement, and more. But for anyone who has a lifetime of emotional repression, the six most basic human emotions often capture enough to name the feeling adequately. As you become more habitual in sensing, naming, and verbalizing your emotions, consider expanding your emotional language to describe how you feel.

For those of you on the receiving end, check in with yourselves. Make sure you want what is offered. Anger, sadness, and fear are generally harder to receive than love, joy, and surprise. Sometimes, people tell me they want their partners to express themselves more fully, but when they do, the receivers struggle to take in what their partners say.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow. If you are struggling with this, either individually or as a couple, make an appointment with a licensed counselor.

Reference:

Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. New York, NY: Holt Paperbacks.