You have tried to do your best in raising your children. No one gave you clear instructions for each situation you may have encountered, but you took and utilized every bit of knowledge you had in order to help your children grow into responsible teens, hoping they would one day become successful adults.

As a parent, you may have made most decisions when your children were young. But as our children become teenagers, there will also come a time when they have to start making their own decisions, especially as they begin dating.

You may know (or have learned) that voiced disapproval of a teen’s current love interest is only likely to cement their affections, so you may have decided it’s better to wait quietly and patiently for teen love to run its course. However, there are some circumstances in which you may be unable to keep quiet, but you might still struggle to know how to begin a conversation with your teen.

How can you, as a concerned parent, intervene if you believe your teen is experiencing dating violence?

First, Know the Signs

I offer below just a few signs of an abusive relationship. If you notice any of these in your teen, think there might be something controlling about the relationship, or just have a feeling that something is wrong or “off” about the relationship (beyond a general parental instinct toward protectiveness) don’t keep your concerns to yourself. If your teen has been sexually or physically abused, it is important that you protect them and report the abuse to the authorities.

• Isolation. A teen who is experiencing dating violence may suddenly begin to isolate from friends and family and only spend time with the person they are dating. They may cancel plans they have made because the abusive partner does not want them to attend the events. [fat_widget_right]
• Excessive texts or phone calls. Abusive partners tend to want to know where their partner is at all times. They may call and text excessively and/or demand to be informed of their partner’s whereabouts at all times. Your teen might seem stressed about having to respond to them and/or afraid of missing a call.
• Unexplained bruises/marks. Someone experiencing dating violence may have unexplained bruises and become nervous when asked about bruises or marks on their bodies. They may give different stories for the same mark or may become upset or defensive when asked about it.
• Excusing inappropriate behavior. Teens who feel ready for love and want their romantic relationships to work out may make excuses for the inappropriate or abusive behavior of their partner. For example, a teen might say their partner only called 20 times because they were worried, or that their partner only puts them down so they can learn from their mistakes and become better people.
• Having to ask for permission. A partner who is abusive typically wants to exert control. They may require the person they are dating to ask for permission before wearing certain clothes, talking to certain people, going out, and so on. The person experiencing the abuse may be frequently checking in with their partner, asking if they can engage in certain activities, such as going to the movies, going out to dinner with a group of friends, wearing shorts, and so on.

Discussing Your Concerns with Your Teen 

Although talking about abuse with your child may be awkward and difficult, it is important for them to be aware that you are concerned about their relationship.

It is possible for you to do this in a way that lets them know you care, want what is best for them, and are there to help—without making them feel as if they are being lectured or blamed. Your teen may be defensive at first and outright deny any abuse. Recognize that it may be hard for them to accept, and be patient.

• DO ask questions about their relationship with genuine concern. Allow for discussion and conversation to flow.
• DON’T interrupt when they are speaking or do the majority of the talking.
• DO listen to how they answer your questions. Ask for their thoughts on the behaviors you have pointed out to them.
• DON’T shame them for not recognizing abusive behavior.
• DO gently educate them on what a respectful romantic relationship does and does not look like.
• DO give them time to think about the conversation, letting them know you are always available to talk or offer support. Let them know you will help them find a therapist or counselor if they want to talk to a trained mental health professional.
• DO ask (no matter how difficult it may be) if they have been coerced to engage in sexual activities they did not intend to engage in or if they have been physically or sexually harmed by their partner or at the request of their partner.
• DO remind them that their safety is the most important thing to you.

Create a Safety Plan

Some teens may be hesitant to admit (or even consider) that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Even if they aren’t ready to accept that what they are experiencing is abuse, it is important to create a safety plan with them. You can tell them it’s for your own peace of mind, or “just in case.” However you frame it, make sure your teen has access to the following resources—they might help keep them safe in the future.

1. Provide them with dating violence hotline numbers.

California Youth Crisis Line (1-800-843-5200)

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (1-866-331-9474) or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.

Text TEEN to 839-863

2. Help them identify at least three safe people they can reach out to for help.

Your teen may not feel comfortable going to a parent for help, especially about their relationship. Let them know it is okay for them to choose to talk to another responsible adult who can provide help. Set a guideline that safe people they can go to must be adults both you and your teen can trust, such as a teacher, other school staff member, clergy, counselor, relative or adult sibling, family friend, etc.

3. Identify when to call 911.

Though your teen likely knows what an emergency is, they may minimize their partner’s dangerous behavior toward them. Help your teen identify some situations they may find themselves in where it would be a good idea to call 911. Let them know it is okay to call 911 if they feel they, or a loved one, are in imminent physical danger—even if they think there is only a possibility of harm.

4. Connect them with a neutral source of support. 

If your teen does not open up to you, it may help to suggest they speak to a neutral person, such as a counselor or therapist. Even if your teen has already broken off an abusive relationship, their self-esteem, view of relationships, and/or ability to trust others may have sustained damage that can be improved with therapy.

Encourage your teen to consider speaking to a counselor or therapist, and offer to help them find a therapist near you. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a good place to start!

References:

1. 5 early warning signs of dating violence. (2017, October 7). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/5-early-warning-signs-of-dating-violence
2. How to talk to your teen about dating violence. (2017, March 22). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/talk-teen-dating-violence
3. Youth yellow pages: Dating violence. (n.d.). Teen Line. Retrieved from https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/dating-violence/?gclid

Domestic abuse/violence, also known as intimate partner abuse/violence, is not a new phenomenon. We’ve studied families whose relationships include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and/or physical aggressiveness, and those where factors such as addiction, alcoholism, and other struggles are also present.

While some people may be under the impression that urban living and low socioeconomic status are the sources of domestic violence, or that IPV only occurs among certain populations, the truth is that domestic violence occurs across the entire spectrum of wealth and social status.

When we see wealthy families in the media, on television shows such as Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous or Keeping up with the Kardashians, we may come away envying their wealth and possessions. Many of those families, and others not portrayed on television, may, however, often feel at odds with how they can have an internal experience that matches their outside environment. They may feel pressure to maintain a public face of contentment with their position and wealth, no matter the turmoil they experience privately. Wealth does not solve all of a person’s problems, and no matter a person’s means (or lack thereof), they may still experience mental health concerns, emotional struggles, family troubles, and any number of other life challenges.

Consider the following statistics about domestic violence:

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some type of violence from an intimate partner. [fat_widget_right]
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced severe violence from an intimate partner.
• More than 20,000 phone calls about domestic abuse are made to crisis hotlines in the United States each day.
• The presence of a gun in an instance of IPV increases the likelihood of homicide by 500%.
• 19% of all incidents involve a weapon.
• 1 in 3 victims of IPV are male.

Challenges to Seeking Help in Affluent Populations

Highly educated, high-income individuals may experience additional barriers when attempting to seek help for domestic violence within their partnership or family. Affluent individuals may be more likely to have power and influence, maintain their privacy, and live in isolated or remote locations, though of course this is not always the case. While these may be considered protective factors in some instances, they can also make it more difficult for victims (partners or children) to seek help. When a partner who is abusive has the means to keep a partner, children, or other family members isolated, as well as power and influence, the victim may feel powerless to seek help and fear they will not be believed if they report abuse. They may fear further emotional or physical abuse, or, when children are involved, the possibility of losing their children. If the partner who is abusive fears ruin should the abuse come to light, there may be the potential for greater harm.

Among women who have been highly educated and women who earn high incomes, there is also often a great deal of self-judgment and self-blame for becoming victims. Many women may feel they somehow should have known better than to put themselves into an abusive situation and may be reluctant to seek help out of embarrassment or shame.  This is another barrier to obtaining help and support. Some individuals may find it easier to deny the abuse in order to better cope with it. The thought of leaving, of seeing an attorney and ending the marriage, may be frightening, and some may find it too overwhelming or difficult to contemplate.

For many people, the words “domestic violence” bring to mind a situation in which a man abuses a woman. But abuse also occurs in LGBTQ+ families and relationships, and individuals of any gender may be abusive or experience abuse. In situations where a man experiences abuse, he may feel ashamed or fear losing his credibility and status, due to heteronormative ideals and gender role stereotypes. Some men may feel greatly ashamed of being victimized and avoid disclosing abuse and seeking help as a result.

While it bears repeating that abuse occurs in families of all income levels, it is also true that abusive individuals who wield a great deal of influence and power may readily go to great lengths to make it difficult for a person to leave. A situation also becomes infinitely more complex when children are involved.

Domestic violence in affluent families often extends beyond an emotional component and revolves around financial control and power, which can be utilized to hurt and control a partner and children. Domestic violence in affluent families often extends beyond an emotional component and revolves around financial control and power, which can be utilized to hurt and control a partner and children. If those experiencing the abuse were to bring it to light, the abusive partner could potentially lose their political, corporate, social, or financial status, as well as their family. Because a partner who is abusive is not likely to desire any of these outcomes, they may do whatever possible to keep their family under their control.

The fear of losing everything may go both ways, though. A partner who takes steps to escape abuse and an abusive partner also stands to lose in all those areas. For some, the risk may be too great, and they may remain in an abusive relationship, hoping their partner will eventually improve, change, or stop the cycle of abuse altogether.

Getting Help After Intimate Partner Abuse

When a partnership or family relationship is characterized by violence, battery, or other assault, the first concern should always be the safety of those who have experienced abuse. CPS, police, and other authorities may need to be involved to help survivors safely leave the home. Mental health professionals who have been informed about intimate partner abuse should take steps to assist the survivor in formulating an exit strategy and plans to get to safety with their children. This process must be confidential and anonymous, as statistics show 75% of IPV victims killed by an abusive partner are killed after they leave the abusive environment.

It may be hard to ask for help if you have experienced, or are currently experiencing, abuse from your partner. The first step is to tell someone. Whether you call a crisis hotline and share details of your situation anonymously, or confide in a parent, spiritual leader, mentor, or trusted coworker or friend, this step helps break down the barrier of silence many survivors of abuse feel trapped behind. By calling a crisis hotline, you can also learn about resources available to you. If you are injured or have a medical emergency, it may be best to call 911 or local law enforcement.

If you feel a friend or family member may be experiencing abuse, or you see something, I encourage you to say something. It may be best to let them know, privately, that you are there to listen if they need support or help. A simple show of support may help the person experiencing abuse feel safe enough to share. Nobody should have to live with this trauma and fear, but it may take you letting your loved one know you support them unconditionally to break the silence.

Is It Possible to Treat Intimate Partner Abuse?

I believe, in some cases, when a person who is abusive or controlling recognizes this fact and wants to change, it is possible for that individual to learn to address what has led them to be abusive and overcome it. Even if it is not possible for the relationship in which the abuse has occurred to continue, a person who was abusive may learn to avoid acts of abuse or violence in the future.

There are many factors that lead a person to commit acts of abuse, though none of these ever excuse the fact of the abuse occurring. Some people who abuse their partners may, as a result of childhood experiences, other history, or some other reason, may feel frustration and fear over the idea of losing their partner and so attempt to exert control. Individuals who come from abusive families may have learned abuse growing up. When they realize the source, they may be able to address it and learn to address their feelings and frustrations in loving, caring ways.

The fact that abuse is so often hidden and goes undiscussed among affluent individuals can make it harder to address and treat the causes of abuse. Those who are wealthy or have high social status may find it harder to access resources, or fear being met with disbelief if they attempt to seek help.

But I believe it is possible for some relationships that have been characterized by abuse to experience some level of healing and growth through therapy—though this does not always lead to a continuation of the relationship. Emotionally focused therapy, a therapeutic intervention designed to address distress in adult relationships, offers techniques for couples to learn how to address relationship conflict. Violence, however, is a contraindication for this approach—the tools utilized are considered to be ineffective when violence is present because the aggression and violence must be addressed first.

When I work with couples, I try to help them identify the loving feelings they have for one another and teach them to see their partner as a person they have chosen and want to be close to, a person whose happiness is important to them. I believe it is possible for people who have engaged in acts of abuse in the past to learn to work with their partner in healthy ways by learning how to communicate their attachment needs and how to heal and repair any damage or trauma in their past that may have led to the development of abusive or violent tendencies.

However, even when a partner who has been abusive is able to stop being abusive, under no circumstances should a partner who has been abused be encouraged to return to that relationship if they choose not to do so. Safety is the primary consideration, and those who have experienced abuse may never feel safe with a partner who has acted in abusive or violent ways. This decision must always be respected by all involved. 

If both partners feel safe and wish to work to repair a relationship in which abuse has occurred, relationship counselors can work with both partners, individually and together, to develop tools for safety, communication, and conflict resolution. Some individuals may find feelings of violence and aggression dissolve, significantly or even entirely, once they address past traumatic experiences. Others may experience the same effect when they work through concerns over losing a partner. However, this is not true for all situations, and moving forward in therapy may be at the discretion of the couple and the therapist working with them. Many therapists do not advise relationship counseling in some instances of IPV or domestic abuse but instead strongly encourage the partner who experienced the abuse to seek help and formulate a safety plan.

Therapy may progress slowly, as the therapist works to help the couple understand the basis of the abuse or the fear of losing one’s partner, and that abusive acts can be extreme manifestations of this fear and emotion. Some people who have not developed helpful or productive ways of addressing these emotions may resort to aggressive or violent tactics, simply out of being unable to deal with their feelings. I believe that most people do not truly want to hurt those they love, and that when a person is willing to change, they are able to do so, through extensive work on a personal level and in therapy.

Discussion about domestic violence has increased in recent years. In fact, October is dedicated to the awareness of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse. As a couples counselor, I work to address issues that may not be as readily discussed, such as abuse among affluent individuals. If you live in an abusive situation, I encourage you to reach out for help, even if you fear you may not be believed. A compassionate and qualified counselor will offer empathy and support and help you locate resources and assistance, no matter your status or situation.

References: 

1. Domestic violence in affluent marriages. (2016, March 9). Retrieved from https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/domestic-violence-in-affluent-marriages#.Wfje-2hSzIU
2. King, J. (n.d.). 5 challenges of wealthy abused women. Retrieved from http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/articles/tiffanys_abuse_264.php
3. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2015). Domestic violence national statistics. Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/assets/2497/domestic_violence.pdf
4. What is domestic violence? (2016). Domestic Violence Roundtable. Retrieved from http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org