Many parents will readily admit that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. According to a new study published in Demography, becoming a parent may make people less happy, and that unhappiness can cause parents to avoid having more children.

This might help explain why more than 15 million American families only have one child, which accounts for an increase in one-child families in recent years, according to the United States Census Bureau.

Does Happiness Decrease After Having First Child?

Lead researchers Rachel Margolis, of the University of Western Ontario in Canada, and Mikko Myrskylä, of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany, theorized that pleasant experiences with a first child might inspire couples to have more kids, but a difficult transition to parenthood could discourage further family growth after one child. To test this theory, they used data from 2,301 German parents who participated in the German Socioeconomic Panel Study between 1984 and 2010.

Each year, the study asked participants to rate their happiness on a scale of 0-10. Parents also answered questions about their relationships, jobs, and childbirth experience. This allowed researchers to compare parents’ happiness two years prior to having a child, through the transition to parenthood, and up to a year after becoming parents. More than 70% of parents reported becoming unhappier after the birth of their first child. On average, they reported a 1.4-point drop in happiness compared to two years before their first child was born. More than a third saw their happiness plummet by more than 2 points.

Unhappiness was also tied to the decision to have another child. Fifty-eight percent of parents who reported a decline in happiness had a second child within 10 years, compared to 66% of parents who did not experience a decline in happiness.

[fat_widget_right]Among parents aged 30 and older and those who had at least 12 years of education, the correlation was stronger. The researchers speculate that this may be because mature, well-educated parents may be better at applying their experiences to family planning decisions. Parents with more education may also have demanding careers that make it more difficult to balance family and work obligations, but the researchers say their findings remained even after accounting for factors such as parents’ income, marital status, and place of birth.

Despite Research, People Still Have Kids for ‘Joy’

The study only tracked happiness scores a year after having children, so researchers are not sure that childrearing leads to a permanent drop in happiness. It could be that the sleepless nights usually associated with raising a newborn, coupled with the challenges of transitioning to parenthood, temporarily cause happiness to plummet.

Previous research highlights the nature of parenting, which can be stressful. A study by sociologists Kei Nomaguchi and Melissa A. Milkie found that couples who became parents did more housework and bickered more often. That same study also found that mothers were less depressed after having kids than single women without children, and that single fathers were more likely to be depressed than any other group.

No matter what the research says, many parents continue to believe parenting is a recipe for happiness. A 2010 Pew Research Center study found that 87% of parents said they became parents “for the joy of having children.” Seventy-six percent cited this joy as a key factor in the decision to have kids.

References:

1. Jayson, S. (2010, May 6). Most parents have kids for ‘joy’; to many it ‘just happened.’ Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-06-whykids06_ST_N.htm
2. Senior, J. (2010, July 4). All joy and no fun. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index5.html
3. Whiteman, H. (2015, August 13). Does becoming a parent make us miserable? Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/298122.php

Last week, our cat died. Frodo was a stray tomcat we took in 11 years ago. We weren’t sure about his age, though we’re guessing he lived to be about 14 years old. He didn’t show any signs of illness, and while I knew he was old, I wasn’t fully prepared to get the call that he had gone to sleep and had not woken up.

Although I was very sad at his passing, I was happy that he lived a good, long life with us. I know he slipped away peacefully.

How My Daughter Took the News

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of my 8-year-old daughter. She was in the car when I received the phone call telling me what had happened, and when I hung up, I told her. After she had expressed sadness, she began asking when we could get another cat. I had to tell her several times that this was something I couldn’t talk about now because I was really sad.

[fat_widget_right]We had been talking for months that sooner or later one of our many animals was going to pass away. I wanted to prepare her. I think I also wanted to prepare myself for her reaction.

When she was two years old, my daughter drew a face on a balloon. When she accidentally let go of it, she sobbed herself to sleep. I expected her reaction to losing a cat would be greater than that. It wasn’t.

A Child’s Grief

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved.When it was time, my daughter created an elaborate funeral procession and burial for Frodo. She took comfort in making sure his grave was decorated with flowers, and she shed a few tears throughout the process. And that was okay.

Just like every adult grieves differently for each death, each child grieves differently for each loss. The way a child mourns a beloved pet at the age of four may change dramatically when he or she reaches the age of ten.

As a parent, you may feel uncomfortable talking about loss. You may get uncomfortable with how your child is behaving. Some kids want to immediately replace the pet, and others refuse to consider it. One child may not cry at all in front of you but will cry silently at night. Another child will talk about their pet endlessly and cry constantly for days.

As a parent, there are things you can do to help your child manage their sadness when their pet dies:

• Allow them to grieve in their own way, even if it’s not how you grieve. They may want to do an elaborate funeral or they may not want to do anything to remember their pet. Give them the freedom to mourn in a way that feels right for them.
• Expect delayed grief. Some children, especially younger ones, don’t fully understand what death means. The finality of it can be hard to comprehend and accept. They may seem calm until something triggers a memory.
• Give yourself space to grieve the loss. It’s absolutely OK to give yourself privacy and time to mourn.
• Talk about the pet you lost. Talk about the wonderful memories you have. Express your own sadness to your child and ask how they feel about it.
• Listen to them. Listen to them talk about the pet who died, about what they miss, or about wanting another pet to replace the one that passed away.
• Be careful with the words you use with young children. Telling your son that you “put Fido to sleep so he’s not hurting anymore” can cause fear or confusion. Do your best to explain the decision to euthanize a pet that is in great pain.
• Expect uncomfortable questions. When we thought we might have to euthanize one of our pets, my daughter asked if we do that to people. Children may question what happens to their pet when they die, or if they’ll ever see them again.

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved. Above all, let them know that the intense sadness they feel now won’t last forever.

Gifted children may be at a higher risk for being bullied than their more neurotypical peers. The risk factors for bullying victims are similar to many traits prevalent within the intellectually gifted population.

Risk Factors for Bullying

First, let’s look at the risk factors for being bullied. According to StopBullying.gov, a website managed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, children are more likely to be bullied when:

• They are perceived as different from their peers, such as being overweight or underweight, wearing glasses, being new to school, or otherwise considered “uncool.”
• They are perceived as weak or unable to defend themselves.
• They are depressed, anxious, or have low self-esteem.
• They do not get along well with others, or are seen as annoying or provoking, or antagonize others for attention.
• They are less popular than others and have few friends.

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Bullying in Gifted Children

Now, let’s compare the risk factors above to some of the attributes commonly found in gifted children.

Gifted children are usually perceived as different from their peers. They often stand out as “quirky,” “strange,” or “weird,” and they may have unusual interests for their age (such as a 7-year-old who seems obsessed with DNA sequencing). Even gifted children often feel that they’re different and may separate or isolate themselves because of this.

Depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem are also risk factors. Gifted individuals are more often diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety than the general population, elevating their risk of being bullied.

Gifted children may have trouble getting along well with others, or can be seen as annoying or provoking. They might even antagonize others, though not necessarily for attention. In addition, sensory processing issues are prevalent in the gifted population, and responding to excessive (or insufficient) stimuli can be seen as annoying or antagonizing to others.

Twice-exceptional children are described as both gifted and coping with special needs. The special need is usually a type of disability, such as a learning disorder (such as dyslexia or dysgraphia) or a mental health condition (such as attention-deficit hyperactivity/ADHD, depression, or anxiety). This population displays traits that have multiple commonalities with the risk factors for bullying, such as feeling anxious, appearing to be weak (and thus not capable of self-defense), or being annoying, different, or simply viewed as “not cool.”

Parental Involvement Makes a Difference

Parents often feel helpless when they realize their children have experienced bullying. However, being empowered to address bullying is not only excellent modeling, it means you can change the situation. Parental involvement is essential when supporting a gifted child to end bullying.

If your instincts are telling you that your child might be bullied, it’s time to ask some questions.

First, you need to recognize when bullying is a problem. If your instincts are telling you your child might be experiencing bullying, it’s time to ask some questions. For parents who need more than a gut feeling, you will have to both pay attention and have frank conversations.

Not all children show obvious signs that they have been bullied, and if a gifted child doesn’t want you to know something, then they may utilize their intellect to creatively hide the impact of bullying or distract you from asking about it.

Bullying is not typically something a child wants to bring up, nor will they necessarily know how to talk about it. This might be especially true for a tween or younger child.

Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Identification is the first step. Signs that bullying might be a problem include:

• Isolation, avoiding social situations (including play dates), spending time with friends.
• Faking illness in order to avoid school or social activities.
• Showing signs of stress, including a reduced passion for primary interests, headaches, stomach aches, appetite changes, or irritability.
• Being more hungry than usual due to missing lunches or snacks (or eating greater amounts as a way to cope with stress).
• Cuts, bruises, or other injuries that can’t be explained (or your child’s explanation doesn’t make sense).
• Losing personal items, including jackets (or other clothing), school supplies, toys, electronics, or even jewelry.
• Sleep problems, including nightmares.
• Signs of reduced self-esteem, despondency, anxiety, depression, or self-harm.
• Attempts to run away.

5 Steps to Mitigate the Impact of Bullying

Follow these steps to help diminish the effects of bullying:

1. Help your child to develop a stronger self-concept and better self-understanding. This will help to counter the damaging effects that bullying can have on self-esteem.
2. Use both modeling and scaffolding to teach your child to recognize their strengths and positive traits. Most children don’t know or recognize many of their strengths, and gifted children are no exception.
3. Point out positive traits. This is different than praise. Simply describe their strength, such as, “You are a boy who enjoys building complex creations out of Legos.” Even if your child dismisses your words, hearing about one’s own strengths has a lasting, positive effect and increases resiliency.
4. Teach your child self-compassion. To be kind to oneself is essential to healing from bullying. A good way to teach self-compassion is to model it.
5. Get support when appropriate. It’s both OK and important to seek professional help if a bullying problem doesn’t subside or worsens.

Reference:

Risk Factors. (n.d.). StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/factors

A happy event though it is, integrating a new baby into the family is a huge transition. It’s a huge transition for Mom and Dad, of course, but it’s also a huge transition for older children in the family.

The dynamic of the whole family changes when a new baby arrives. The arrival of a new baby can be one of the most traumatic events in a child’s life. It is a significant transition that must be handled with compassion and empathy, lest you risk harming his or her self-worth and sense of security. The integration of a new baby into the family can create an emotional crisis for children. Therefore, children need the assurance of their parents’ love more than ever.

It is completely normal for children to experience jealousy once a new baby arrives, even if the children are excited about having a new baby in the house. The reality is that children will have to adjust to the shift in the amount of attention they receive from their parents. Children may experience this shift as a loss that they grieve. How children adjust to a new baby depends on their temperament and the ease of the transition of integrating the new baby into the family. The goal for parents is to help children manage their jealousy so that, sooner rather than later, love for the new baby can take over.

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The integration of a new baby tends to be most difficult for children 18 months to three years. Children younger than that aren’t as aware, and children older than that typically have other things distracting them. When the time comes for the baby to arrive, parents need to ensure that children do not feel abandoned. Having Mommy go away to the hospital can be traumatic if the children are on the younger side and don’t understand why she left, which may make it more difficult to accept the new addition to the family once the baby is brought home.

It is best to start preparing children for the new arrival before the baby even arrives. The goal is to help children feel connected to the baby and to become enthusiastic about its arrival.

Strategies for Helping Children Embrace a New Sibling

The following are some strategies parents can use to help children adjust to a new sibling:

• Be willing to validate children’s unhappy feelings. Acknowledge the frustration children may feel when a new baby arrives. By acknowledging the challenging parts, children won’t feel the need to bury or suppress their feelings, which is often at the root of misbehavior.
• Focus on what hasn’t changed. Even if they’re exhausted, parents should try to sustain whatever rituals have been established with their children.
• Don’t pressure children into “loving” their new sibling or being a “good big brother/sister.” If children are given time to adjust, they will have more room to bond naturally.
• Offer children the chance to be alone with each parent. One-on-one time with one parent may make less attention from the other more tolerable and remind children that they are still special.
• Create opportunities for children to be recognized. Tell others within earshot how helpful it is when they carry the diaper bag or get the baby powder. Also, remind children how lucky the baby is to have them for an older sibling.
• Recruit help. Enlist the help of a person the child likes or family members to spend time with the children and offer extra time and attention.
• When children are emotionally charged, process big feelings. Regardless of the reason they are upset, the opportunity to express their feelings (crying, yelling, etc.) and be comforted by a parent will help them adjust.

Patiently allowing the time needed for children to adjust to the arrival of a new baby, and providing love and emotional support of their feelings, will help children to recognize that their feelings are accepted and understood. As a result, children may be more likely to accept the arrival of a new sibling and view it as a joyful event.

In my psychotherapy practice, I work with many young adults who come into treatment as they recognize that they haven’t developed the necessary emotional tools to succeed as an adult in the world of work and relationships. In the media and in society, I believe that the emphasis on youth frequently leads us to overlook the experience of parents who become increasingly anxious and depressed as they watch their adult children struggle to create satisfying lives.

Parents often come to see me because they are uncomfortable with their feelings about their adult children. Typically, they worry that their children will never be successful or happy, and they are confused about whether they and/or their child are responsible.

Eric was suffering when he came to see me. He felt his 27-year-old daughter, Holly, was ruining her life and it was causing him great pain. In our first session, he seemed tormented as he told me that Holly “lived in a fantasy world.”

“She’s been in one rock band or another since middle school and through college,” Eric related. “She plays guitar and she’s good. But so are a lot of kids. She majored in education, and I thought she’d be a music teacher. But since she graduated college, she hasn’t pursued teaching and says she isn’t interested. She keeps auditioning for bands and sometimes gets a gig, but nothing permanent. My wife and I think she’s depressed. We agreed she could move back home after college, but that was more than four years ago. She makes very little money and barely seems to get by on what she makes playing music. I don’t think she is ever going to grow up. She doesn’t seem very happy. My wife and I keep arguing about whether we should give her an ultimatum that she has to get a real job or we won’t keep supporting her. I don’t know … I just don’t know what to do. I think I’ve become more depressed than Holly.”

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Eric’s situation was familiar to me. Many parents are caught between their desires to love, nurture, and protect their children and their fear that their children don’t have the skills, drive, or emotional strength to enter the adult world and figure out who they are and what they want for themselves. More significantly, these parents frequently find it exceptionally difficult to make demands and behave in ways that evoke their own and their children’s bad feelings. Eric was angry with himself and with Holly. His ambitions and hopes for her were mixed with his feelings about himself and the kind of parent he was and had been.

“I always supported Holly’s musical aspirations,” he said. “I took her to lessons, went to her rock performances, let her bands practice in our garage. I loved every minute of it. I suppose I thought that maybe she’d become a professional, maybe even shared her wish that she’d become a rock star. Now I wonder if I lived in a fantasy world also and didn’t give Holly enough of a taste of reality. Maybe I didn’t help her with reality in other ways. She was always so busy with her music and her friends that my wife and I didn’t ask very much of her. We pretty much said yes to almost everything: music camp, expensive instruments, drove her everywhere. She never had to pay for anything, and we’re not rolling in money. We never even gave her chores, which drove my wife crazy and we fought about that. Maybe I just let her off too easy and now I don’t think she can take care of herself. The problem is, I don’t want to take care of my grown-up daughter as if she were still a child. I feel angry at her and I hate myself for feeling this way.

“No matter how I look at it, I’m a lousy father. If I cut her off, I’m not doing what I should and that makes me bad. But I’m already a bad father because It’s my fault that she doesn’t know how to be a grown-up in the world.”

Many parents are caught between their desires to love, nurture, and protect their children and their fear that their children don’t have the skills, drive, or emotional strength to enter the adult world and figure out who they are and what they want for themselves.

After many hours of talking with Eric about his relationship to Holly, we began to understand how he and his wife, Ella, had unwittingly undermined Holly’s ability to make her way in the adult world. As I learned about Eric and the early years with his daughter, a picture of two loving parents who were smitten with their daughter emerged. Both Eric and Ella had been raised in very strict, cold families. Eric told me that he and his wife were drawn to each other when they realized that neither of them was raised with feelings of recognition or appreciation from their parents. Eric remembered talking with Ella about how they would be different and give their children extra attention and make them feel special and perfect. In talking with me about this, Eric wondered aloud.

“Maybe we went too far in the other direction,” he said. “Everything that Holly did we delighted in. We oohed and aahed over everything. The smallest thing—a smile, a scribble, a sound—was enough to get us to be gleeful toward her. We were in love. I suppose we went overboard. We married late. When we realized that we would have only one child, we got even more enthusiastic and involved with Holly. We scheduled any activity she asked for; we tried to nurture all her interests and pretty much praised everything she did and made no demands. Now I’m always so irritable with her. I feel critical, but I don’t want her to know. I don’t want to upset her. It’s awful.”

It became clear that Eric and his wife had never set limits for Holly and that they hadn’t helped her develop a sense of herself that was realistic—i.e., that had both positive and negative aspects. I suggested a hypothesis to Eric: “I think it’s likely that if Holly only received praise, she knew, if only unconsciously, that she wasn’t so completely and totally fantastic. If she couldn’t believe that she was so terrific, it would have been difficult to develop a balanced view of her strengths and weaknesses. If Holly couldn’t trust the good stuff, she probably had a great deal of uncertainty about her abilities. She even might have leaned toward thinking more negatively about herself. I think it is very likely that she is quite anxious about whether she has what it takes to make it in the adult world.”

I asked Eric what he thought of my hypothesis. After some silence, he replied: “Yes, you have put into words what I haven’t been able to put together. It hurts, but it’s a relief to feel that this all makes sense and maybe now we can figure out how to make things better for all of us.”

While my hypothesis made sense to Eric and he wanted to find more productive ways to relate to Holly, he found it very difficult to change his behavior toward her. He agreed there would have to be limit setting, but he could not get comfortable with what limits and how to implement them. For example, he thought it would be a good idea to ask Holly to start paying some rent (his wife agreed). But he obsessed about how much, when to begin, and how to bring it up. As we explored his difficulties, some of his resistances became clear.

“I know I should ask for rent, but I’m sure Holly will think I’m mean. I hate that she’ll feel like I’m not supporting her musical aspirations. I don’t want to make it more difficult for her to pursue her music career.”

Eric and I spent many sessions exploring his conflicts. He had to come to terms with his feelings of meanness and get to a place where, even if it didn’t feel good to him, he could believe that setting limits was helping his daughter by giving her the opportunity to see that she could take care of herself and succeed in the world. Some of the questions I asked Eric to consider were: What is it like for you if Holly thinks you’re mean? Do you think you’re mean? What would you have to tolerate if Holly did think you were mean? Eric also had to reconsider what actually was and wasn’t supportive of Holly’s music career. I asked: “How do you conclude that asking for rent means you’re not supporting her career? Can you consider that (even if she didn’t like it) paying rent could help Holly see herself as able to take care of herself and might give her the confidence she needs to make it in the very competitive world of music?”

Eric is wrestling with these and many other questions. He and his wife decided to give Holly three months notice to begin to pay rent. As expected, Holly was angry and hurt. She cried and accused her father of not thinking she had what it takes to be a musician. Eric stood his ground (although he reported that he felt like a bad father). He is also working on being aware of his gushing about anything his daughter tells him. He is trying to be more honest with Holly when she acts entitled or does something irritating.

Eric and I continue to work on the difficult feelings that emerge as he asks Holly to be a responsible adult. He is increasingly able to appreciate that this is having a positive effect on Holly. She is paying rent and is talking about substitute teaching. At the same time, she has formed a new band and is writing more music. Without withdrawing all of his involvement, Eric is trying to let Holly become her own cheerleader. The more he sees her taking charge of her life, the better he feels about his limit setting and the more able he is to set limits. This should lay the groundwork for Holly to become more of an adult and for Eric to feel like a “good enough” father.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Raising a child on the autism spectrum can be one of the most rewarding and yet taxing things some parents will ever experience.

I know.

In addition to being a therapist who works with families affected by autism spectrum issues, I, too, am a spectrum parent. Many of the people I help in my practice ask me how I am able to do it, as if I have some kind of secret or special ability they don’t. Honestly, it was my own journey in counseling—as a person in therapy—that helped me the most and gave me the skills I needed to navigate this challenge. It’s also why I decided to become a therapist.

As spectrum parents, we become adept at researching, finding, and financing all the right therapies for our kids, but we also have a tendency to neglect our own needs. In order to survive this parenting journey, seeking professional help may be necessary at some point.

Here are four ways counseling can help a parent of a child on the spectrum:

1. Adjusting to the Diagnosis

The autism diagnosis itself is often traumatic for parents. It can be a grueling process that may take up to a year or more, with multiple visits to several different professionals. During the process, parents are typically faced with myriad feelings, including anxiety, guilt, excessive worry, hope, and fear about the future. Oh, and a lot of waiting. Many parents end up being told that their child does not qualify for an autism diagnosis and are left at a dead end, with more questions than answers.

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Diagnosis or not, the grief is very real. Often, an understanding of the grief stages, and the knowledge that grief is cyclical, helps parents adjust. Everyone reacts differently to grief, and how one reacts has a great deal to do with what happened and whether they’ve dealt with it appropriately. A person may need therapeutic interventions such as cognitive restructuring or EMDR therapy to help them get past the shock or pain of the initial diagnosis.

2. Parenting Skills

Parenting a child on the spectrum can be very different than parenting a neuro-typical child. There are sensory issues to consider, educational decisions to be made, medical interventions, safety concerns, and therapeutic decisions, to name just a few. More often than not, these children also have accompanying health conditions and self-regulation difficulties. Parents can become incredibly overwhelmed and confused when faced with it all.

A counselor who is well-versed in the needs of autism spectrum families is crucial. Such a professional can help parents prioritize needs and reduce the anxiety associated with overwhelm.

I often tell couples that a diagnosis of autism doesn’t ruin a relationship, but their response to it might.

3. Staying Connected to Your Partner

It has been reported that parents of children with autism have a slightly higher divorce and marital discord rate than parents of typical children. That certainly comes as no surprise, as the stressors are generally greater. I often tell couples that a diagnosis of autism doesn’t ruin a relationship, but their response to it might.

Autism tends to shine a bright light on whatever issues were already there. A counselor who understands the constant stress autism places on a family can help a couple navigate the difficulties while staying connected.

This doesn’t happen overnight. It’s process that takes time, patience, and perseverance. But the results are worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that counseling saved my own marriage.

4. Stress Management

Stress is a significant factor in the development of disease. It can literally make us sick.

In order to stay healthy, we need to learn to manage stress effectively. The daily stress of an autism parent is tremendous and constant. A counselor can help by offering a caring, supportive ear, validating parenting efforts and encouraging self-care skills. Counseling can help someone through a rough patch or be used on an ongoing basis throughout the parent’s journey. Some of the parents I help keep me on speed-dial for help during tough times, while others have attended therapy regularly for years as their child has grown.

It is said that we cannot give out of an empty cup, that we need to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others. If you are the parent of a child with autism spectrum, counseling can make a tremendous difference in how you play the cards you’ve been dealt. In the end, that’s a win-win for your entire family.

References:

Amid or following divorce or separation, some families face the issue of one or more children refusing to be in contact with one of the parents. While the dynamics of any family experiencing this can be quite complicated, children may behave in this way for a variety of reasons.

Here are some examples (for the purposes of this article, one parent is referred to as the preferred parent, the other the resisted parent):

• There may be conflict between the parents, and the child does not want to remain caught in the middle.
• The child may have been closer to one parent than the other when everyone lived together.
• The child may be in a developmental phase where alignment with one parent over the other is age- and/or gender-related.
• One parent may be involved with a new partner before the child is ready and/or comfortable with the situation.
• The preferred parent is more financially secure or otherwise stable than the resisted parent.
• The child chooses who he or she believes most needs to be taken care of based on the circumstances.
• There is ongoing litigation (even if the children do not know the details, they often see the effects of the stress).
• Both the preferred parent and the child believe the resisted parent is not safe.

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In these situations, it is often the favored parent’s belief that the resisted parent caused the resistance; meanwhile, the resisted parent often believes that the favored parent is responsible for the child’s refusal to see him or her. While either of these scenarios can certainly be the case, families are complicated systems in which many behaviors and relationships impact what everyone experiences.

There are two important options, which are not mutually exclusive, to consider here: (1) Improve both the favored and resisted parents’ relationships with the child, or (2) improve the co-parenting relationship. As complicated as the family system may be, individual relationships within the system can be addressed. Both parents have responsibility for their part in the family dynamic, including the favored parent.

When children can see their parents having civil and respectful interactions and making it a mutual priority to offer safety, this often leads to a relaxation of the need to push one parent away.

The favored parent may have a difficult time seeing or appreciating how he or she responded when the child did not want to see the other parent. When a child tells you about something negative that happened with the other parent, for example, it can feel natural to sympathize with the child and build a case against or undermine the connection between the child and the resisted parent. This isn’t fair to the other parent or the child. When a child provides negative information, contacting the other parent and asking what he or she knows about it is a good place to start. Secondly, it’s important to help your child understand that he or she can talk to the other parent about it and not have you be his or her voice.

The resisted parent, of course, has an important role to play in the relationship with the child and in behaving in a way that is inviting. Children who resist a parent sometimes feel the expression of affection, for example, as intrusive. It can be expressed, however, without the expectation of reciprocation. This gives the child room to make a choice. It sometimes happens, with time, that the child begins to respond. It is important that the resisted parent let the child know he or she is loved, without conditions.

There are many more ways for both the resisted parent and the preferred parent to alter their behaviors with the goal of improving the relationships between children and parents. The most important is to improve the co-parenting relationship. When children can see their parents having civil and respectful interactions and making it a mutual priority to offer safety, this often leads to a relaxation of the need to push one parent away.

If a child in your family is resistant toward one parent and your co-parenting strategies have been ineffective, contact a therapist in your area for help.

It’s a commonly held belief that while our parents’ generation failed to pay enough attention to our thoughts and feelings as children, our generation cares too much about our children’s thoughts and feelings. While this is certainly an over-generalization, I believe it reflects an important reality: Parents today have difficulty setting limits and saying “no” to their kids.

This does not mean we should stop listening to our children. Rather, the key to effective limit setting is finding a balance between being firm, on the one hand, and giving our children some control on the other. If we can identify what our children are capable of, hold onto the limits we know to be important, compromise on those we don’t, and include our children in the process when appropriate, the limit setting process can be (if not exactly fun) quite manageable.

To illustrate this point, I would like to start by describing some limit setting dilemmas a few parents with whom I have worked have faced, and a parenting moment of my own (lest anyone think I am suggesting this limit setting stuff is easy). I have changed the names and details for confidentiality purposes.

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Sleepless Sally: Dan and Mary attended a limit setting workshop I gave because their 2-year-old, Sally, was not listening to them. When I asked Dan and Mary about their approach to limit setting, they explained that they never used the word “no” with Sally because it was too negative. Instead, they would try to explain the reason for the limit in a more positive tone. For example, when Sally refused to get ready for bed (a frequent occurrence), they would tell her, “You need your sleep. Aren’t you tired yet? It’s important to get enough sleep.” When I asked them what they would do if Sally started to run into the street by herself, they responded, “Sally, why don’t you stay with Mommy and Daddy?” They knew their approach wasn’t working, but did not know how to fix it.

Trampoline Thomas: Another parent, Karen, who consulted with me about her 5-year-old son, Thomas, explained that Thomas did not respect the limits she tried to set. Karen was particularly upset over a recent visit to a friend’s house. Her friend had a trampoline, which Thomas absolutely loved. Thomas loved it so much, in fact, that he refused to stay at the kitchen table during dinner, instead leaving the table to go on the trampoline. Karen tried to dissuade Thomas from going to the trampoline during dinner, but she couldn’t seem to figure out how to get him to stay. After a few nights of unsuccessfully trying, Karen decided to set a consequence for Thomas: If he got up from the table and went to the trampoline during dinner, he could not play on the trampoline at all the next day. Despite Karen’s warning, at the next dinner Thomas got up and went to the trampoline. The next day, Thomas was not allowed on the trampoline, but that night at dinner, he did the same thing again. When I heard this story, I was surprised; I would have thought a day without the trampoline would have been enough to get Thomas to change his tune. As I inquired more about the consequence and its implementation, however, Karen sheepishly admitted that not only had Thomas been prohibited from using the trampoline, but everyone had been disallowed from using it, lest Thomas be upset about being left out!

Reserved Rachel: While my daughter, Rachel, had always been rather reserved, it wasn’t until she was 9 years old that my husband and I really took in the fact she was not saying hello to anyone in our building (or in public), even if they greeted her first. Pointing out to Rachel that this was rude or that others might not like her did not seem to help, nor did setting consequences or rewards. We were really at a loss.

I recount these stories not to show how lousy these parents and I are at parenting. We aren’t. In fact, we are all loving, caring parents who really just want to figure out how best to support and help our children. Frankly, all parents try things with their kids that don’t work. Rather, I want to use these stories to highlight how complicated limit setting can be and to point out some of the important questions we need to ask ourselves as we go about the job of figuring out how to set limits with our kids. These questions include:

1. Why are limits important?
2. How do I know when limits are appropriate?
3. How do I enforce limits?
4. When and how should I use consequences?
5. When and how should I use incentives?

1. Why Are Limits Important?

Sometimes, amid the battle of limit setting, we feel like giving up and giving in. At these times, it can be helpful to remind ourselves why we need to stick with it. And here’s why:

Limits help children feel safe, physically and emotionally: It may seem like our children hate us when we tell them what (not) to do, but unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously), children often have their fingers crossed that we will take charge. Why? Because they don’t have total control over themselves and this is scary for them! Until they learn self-control, which happens slowly over the years, our children rely on us to provide that structure and control. In fact, it is partly how they learn self-control, by internalizing the structures and limits we provide them. It is how they feel safe.

For example, if a 2-year-old is doing something dangerous (like running out into the street), the parent must act quickly (“No!” is great for dangerous situations). Two-year-olds do not have the impulse control or reasoning skills to assess danger on their own. They need to be taught to be cautious and wary of certain situations.

Limits teach children how to regulate their different needs (hunger, tiredness, transitions, etc.): Children need to learn how to listen to their bodies and respond appropriately. This is not something that comes easily or quickly. By having routines and limits for our children, we are helping to regulate our children in ways they are not yet capable of. We are also modeling for them the importance of listening to one’s body and needs.

Perhaps because of our determination not to make the same mistakes our parents made with us and/or because of all the research showing us how smart and capable our children are from very young, parents today often assume that our children are able to regulate their needs on their own, much as adults do. However, this is typically not the case. Learning to self-regulate is a process that happens over many years; it is a developmental task that can’t be rushed. At any given moment in time, we need to figure out what our children are capable of and not ask more from them.

For example, understanding the importance of sleep and being able to choose one’s bedtime is something that Sally, at 2, is simply not capable of. She does not have the cognitive capacity to understand the importance of sleep, delay gratification, or regulate her tiredness and activity level.

Limits teach children important social skills (turn taking, being polite): I am a big believer in allowing children to feel whatever it is they feel, no matter how difficult it may be for them or their parents to handle. However, feeling something and acting on it are two very different things. While a 1-year-old may not be capable of distinguishing between the two, a 5-year-old certainly is.

Thomas, for example, is probably capable of sitting at the dinner table for a reasonable amount of time, assuming he is developmentally more or less on track. At some point, trying to understand why Thomas has trouble sitting at the table will be helpful, but understanding is not a substitute for setting the limit.

Rachel, after much discussion, agreed to work on greetings through role-playing with my husband and me. Rachel also suggested she would try to make eye contact and smile and/or wave to people so that they would not think she was rude. We all agreed on a system for carrying this out. Carried out with starts and fits over time, these solutions helped Rachel feel more comfortable interacting with the outside world.

Parents are one of the primary carriers of culture for our children in these early years. It is our responsibility to teach our children how to be in the world in a way that won’t annoy everyone else. Introducing some of the social graces—sitting at the dinner table, taking turns, greetings, thank yous, etc.—and limiting the no-nos—hitting, biting, grabbing, etc.—is an important part of that job.

Limits help children build self-esteem: When children are able to predict and meet our expectations, they feel more competent. As children learn through our limits how to regulate their needs, handle their feelings, and function effectively in the outside word, they become more confident. However, when we expect too much of them, the opposite can happen; kids can become very frustrated and disappointed in themselves. This brings us to our next question …

2. How Do I Know When Limits Are Appropriate?

I would argue that limits are appropriate when they reflect an understanding of what your child is capable of developmentally, reflect an understanding of your child’s unique needs, and take your (the parents’) needs and preferences into consideration.

One of the problems that Dan and Mary faced with Sally was that they didn’t seem confident about how much sleep she needed. Although it can be hard to know how much sleep an individual child needs, there is a range that is commonly accepted (which you can readily find online). After we discussed this range together, Dan and Mary, through trial and error over a few weeks, were able to figure out how much sleep Sally needed. Feeling more confident about how much sleep Sally needed then made it easier for Dan and Mary to enforce her bedtime. Having a consistent bedtime helped Sally get the sleep her body needed and helped her begin to learn how to self-regulate her own tiredness.

Another reason setting limits is important is that it helps you take care of yourself. For example, having a consistent, reasonably timed bedtime for your child usually gives you some much-needed down time—time to relax, catch up with your partner, and recharge a bit before you face another day of parenting. This benefits not only you, but your child as well. A parent who takes care of himself or herself is generally a happier, more patient parent.

Lastly, when deciding which limits to set, try not to sweat the small stuff. If allowing your child to watch an additional 15 minutes of television gives them a sense of agency and you a much-needed break, why not? As long as the 15 minutes doesn’t turn into two hours, being flexible within your structure gives your child the message you are willing to take their wants and needs into consideration, but that when you set a firm limit, there is a reason for it. In my experience, children tend to respect limits more when there is some flexibility on the stuff that is not as important.

3. How Do I Enforce Limits?

When setting limits, I recommend keeping the following in mind:

• Be clear (with yourself and child) about why you are setting this limit.
• Be clear with how you are setting this limit.
• Be firm; don’t turn back!
• Less is more.
• Separate feelings from behaviors.

Before setting a limit, you need to be confident about why you are setting it. Kids of all ages pick up on doubt. If you start to waver, you are going to have a much harder time setting the limit. When explaining a limit, less is definitely more. With Sally, age 2, “It is time for sleep” is about all she can handle. Said with confidence, Sally will understand the importance of this limit, even if she goes to bed kicking and screaming.

With a child like Thomas, age 5, a longer explanation can be offered, preferably ahead of time rather than in the moment, something in the realm of, “During dinner, you need to sit at the table with everyone else.” “You are not allowed on the trampoline during dinner; it is not safe.” “If you leave the table tonight, you will not be able to use the trampoline at all tomorrow,” or some variation thereof. If your child has questions about the limit you’re setting, feel free to explore, but when it starts to feel repetitive and unproductive, I would suggest ending the conversation with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is how it is going to be.”

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on.

With Thomas, it might even be possible to discuss what is going on for him, what he is feeling, and why he doesn’t want to sit at the dinner table. Perhaps there is something specific that is bothering him. More generally, in setting limits with a 5-year-old, it is often a good idea to ask what limits they consider appropriate. Interestingly, children often come up with harsher limits than we do and are more likely to follow limits they have helped set. Of course, if it feels like your child is playing a game of what-can-I-get-away-with, this is not the route to go.

With Rachel, age 9, I believe she was able to follow through on the agreed-upon strategy in part because she helped come up with the alternatives (eye contact, smile, and waving) herself. Children tend to respond better to limits when they feel like they have some control, no matter how small that control is.

Of course, once you’ve set your limit, you need to enforce it. If you are not able to follow through, the limit obviously gets harder to enforce. However, even if you have had difficulty in the past, it is never too late to start to enforce a limit. A quick heads-up to your child about the change may be useful in advance. “I know I have been letting you get up from the dinner table the past few nights, but tonight is going to be different …” Your child may very well test you for a few nights, but if you are firm, you should be able to get back on track relatively quickly.

Checking in with yourself as to why you are having difficulty enforcing the limit is a good place to start. One reason some parents have difficulty enforcing their limits is because of what I call the “empathy trap.” When our children are upset, we feel badly for them and want to empathize with them. It’s important for us to do this, yes, but when their being upset is connected with a misbehavior or refusal to comply with a limit, we need to be able to separate our children’s behavior from their feelings so we can effectively set the necessary limit. I generally recommend a simple statement of empathy followed by a limit. With Sally, it might mean a sympathetic, “Aww, I know it’s hard,” as you carry her off to bed. With Thomas leaving the table, I might say something like, “I know it is hard for you to sit at the table, but dinner is not over yet.” With Rachel it was, “I know how hard it is for you to greet people in our building, but it is important you not appear rude.”

Later, when the limit setting moment has passed, you might talk to your child about their feelings connected with the (mis)behavior, either through direct conversation (as with Thomas or Rachel) or, for younger children such as Sally, through reading a relevant, age-appropriate book (e.g. on bedtime) or through making a simple observation such as, “Sometimes children get angry at their mommy and daddy when they make them go to bed.” We want to validate all of our children’s feelings, but not all of their behaviors.

4. When and How Should I Use Consequences?

Sometimes you can set a limit and not have to give consequences. Phew! For those times when limits alone seem not to be working, however, consequences can be very effective. Of course, setting consequences is not always easy. One of the difficulties parents face in setting consequences is the worry they will have to keep enforcing the consequence over and over again, which can feel too punishing and depriving, or feel like too much work. However, if consequences are chosen wisely, enforcing them just a few times is often enough to deter the continuation of the misbehavior without being overly punitive.

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on. In the example with Thomas, Karen was able to pick a consequence that was realistic insofar as it was developmentally appropriate and seemingly practical and relevant insofar as it involved the trampoline, but she didn’t seem to have the wherewithal or confidence to follow through. She simply could not tolerate the idea of Thomas being left out.

One consequence that is particularly controversial among parents and parenting experts is the timeout. There are probably as many opinions about timeouts as there are parents and experts, so my opinion should be taken as just that, an opinion. It is my belief that timeouts should primarily be used for when a child is in some way out of control—temper tantrums, disrupting a gathering, biting, hitting, or threatening another, etc. The main point of a timeout should be to help the child feel more in control of their behavior. In this view, timeouts are less about punishment and more about removing the child from a troublesome or volatile situation.

Regardless of why you give your child timeouts, however, it is important you do so in an effective way. Ideally, your child would be able to be in their own room or crib until they have calmed down or for however long you have designated the timeout. Depending on the situation, you might choose to be right outside the door to let the child know you are there (without a lot of discussion or engagement), but this does not mean being in the room with your child. Sometimes parents have their child sit on a chair quietly for a few minutes. This is fine as long as the child experiences it to be calming in some way or, if you are using it as a punishment, somewhat negative. The goal with timeouts, like other consequences, is to motivate the child to not do the behavior again and/or to help the child regroup and calm down.

5. When and How Do I Use Incentives?

Sometimes there are behaviors that don’t seem consequence-worthy but need limits, such as getting ready in the morning, getting ready for bed, cleaning your room, etc. In his wonderful book on limit setting, 1-2-3 Magic, Dr. Thomas Phelan calls these behaviors “start behaviors.” These are behaviors you want your child to do (rather than not do) that generally require more participation from your child than “stop” behaviors.

One of the techniques Dr. Phelan recommends for incentivizing these behaviors is “positive reinforcement” (or as some of us prefer to call them, “bribes”). Stickers, treats, etc., are great for these behaviors and help get you and your child out of battle mode. Just be sure to pick a reward that is age-appropriate (a 2-year-old simply cannot wait a whole week for a reward) and is sustainable over the medium- to long term—e.g. a few graham crackers versus a lollipop every day.

Again, as much as possible, involve your child. Even a 2-year-old can decide choose between graham crackers or Goldfish for a reward; the child will feel more in control and is more likely to comply with your limits. Some parents lament the idea of having to bribe their child indefinitely, but it is my experience that (for most behaviors) once the behavior becomes routine, the reward is less important and eventually can be discontinued or modified if you so choose.

Conclusion

Limit setting is not for the fainthearted (neither is having children!), and a lot of figuring out what works is through trial and error and being open to considering other approaches. If you maintain an open attitude to learning about your child’s capabilities and needs and set realistic, age-appropriate limits that allow for some input from your child when warranted, you will most likely find the job of limit setting gets easier and easier as time goes by (well, at least until your child turns 13—EEK!).

Why is it that, in today’s society, parents have so much difficulty getting their kids to transition into adulthood? How is it that many parents find that their kids are seemingly incapable of becoming independent adults?

The simplest answer seems to be that our views and values on family life have changed. I believe much of this has to do with the way family life is depicted in the media: we do so much for our kids that it prevents them from doing for themselves and, as a result, prevents them from learning how to be independent. Many parents find themselves frustrated about the fact they have adult children still living at home, with a burgeoning sense of entitlement, because they supposedly can’t make it on their own.

If we go back 40 years or so, we see a time when kids typically learned the natural and logical consequences of the choices they made. If they did not do their homework, their grades reflected that. Kids performed chores without the expectation of an allowance. Kids were uncomfortable enough with their parents’ rules that they often looked forward to moving out once they were old enough so they could make their own rules and choices. Childhood and adolescence was a training ground to provide the opportunity for kids to learn the skills they needed to one day function as independent adults.

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Fast forward to the present. Technology has exploded. So has the experience of and demand for instant gratification. There is less reason and opportunity for kids to experience the discomfort that often comes with the necessity to problem-solve or use their imaginations. And as parents, we have evolved to the point where many of us don’t want to see our kids be uncomfortable at all. It seems that every parent’s goal is to see his or her kids “happy.” While that’s not unreasonable as an ultimate hope, we have taken the idea of removing discomfort from our kids’ lives to the extreme.

As parents, we have evolved to the point where many of us don’t want to see our kids be uncomfortable at all.

We have confused the ideas of caring for our kids and caretaking. Caretaking is anything we do for our kids that they can do for themselves. Caretaking stunts our children’s growth because they are deprived of the chance to learn the skills needed to entertain themselves, solve problems, resolve conflict with peers, and to take responsibility for themselves and be accountable. Life skills that should be learned in childhood and adolescence are often postponed until kids are in their twenties and thirties, and sometimes, learning the life skills needed to function as independent adults are delayed indefinitely.

While caretaking typically comes from a spirit of caring, love, and the desire to see our kids to be happy and healthy, it can become unhealthy and a cycle can develop that looks a lot like this: kids find themselves dealing with stress and/or struggling, so they immediately go to their parents. Problem solved. Except not—not really. As the cycle continues, kids learn to look outside themselves for ways to cope. Over time, the cycle carries into adulthood.

So how can we break this cycle? The solution is to help kids foster internal coping skills, develop confidence, self-esteem, and self-efficacy, and allow them to experience discomfort in order to learn that they have the survival skills they need and can be successful at facing challenges and obstacles.

Some Dos and Don’ts for Helping Kids Transition into Adulthood

• Be aware of supports and resources that allow kids launching into adulthood to level the playing field in order to successfully accomplish tasks at hand. Kids need to learn how to advocate for themselves. Part of this process requires that kids learn what works for them and what doesn’t.
• Support adolescents in finding and using tools for organization. Such tools are crucial when working on big projects and juggling the many facets of adulthood.
• Teach kids how to talk with adults who are leaders. Learning how to communicate with those in authority positions is a life skill that will help kids understand how to negotiate effectively and get their needs met as they transition into adulthood.
• Instead of rescuing kids, parents need to teach them how to learn effective techniques for managing tasks at home, work, or school. Kids need to learn how to help themselves by taking responsibility for implementing techniques that will help them be successful.
• Instead of criticizing when kids make mistakes, parents need to focus on the emerging adult, focus on what he or she does well, and to talk to him or her about those things. It is helpful for parents to trust that kids will eventually get to where they need to be, even if it takes some kids longer to get there.
• One of the most difficult things for parents about watching kids transition into adulthood is the fact they make choices parents often don’t agree with. Still, kids launching into adulthood have not only the right but the responsibility to make their own choices. Parents need to trust that kids will transition into adulthood and create their own lives.

All of this is not to say parents should give up; it is to say, rather, that parents need to allow kids to have control over their lives as they enter adulthood. While parents need to avoid always rescuing kids when they mess up, kids launching into adulthood need to know that their parents have their back. Be sure to show plenty of compassion and empathy, while at the same time holding kids transitioning into adulthood accountable.

Parents in previous generations used to parent with one central theme in mind: obedience. It didn’t matter how you felt, what you thought, or what you wanted. As a child, you simply did what you were told.

As the concepts of emotional development and self-expression in children began to give kids more of a more prominent voice, we should ask, what are we doing with that voice now?

I believe parenting is entering a new generation where emotions are dictating our every move. Some examples you might recognize include:

• Parents making decisions solely to make their child feel a different way, not necessarily what is in the child’s best interest
• Trying to dictate the outside world for a child in order to make him or her “happy” versus helping the child learn to be resilient
• Overreacting to a child’s emotions (as in power struggles)
• Allowing things such as anger or anxiety to be excuses for poor behavior
• Not allowing children to make mistakes, controlling their every move in hopes that they don’t have uncomfortable feelings (helicopter parenting)

These are some of the trends that we are seeing now, and they can be detrimental to a child’s growth. Some children are not learning to put their emotions aside. Their moods are driving their behavior, motivations, and how they treat others. If they don’t “feel” like doing something, they won’t do it. If they are angry, they lash out. Children’s emotions are officially taking over, and I don’t necessarily think that was the goal when the exercise of self-expression for children was first encouraged.

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The Repercussions of ‘Emotions-First’ Parenting

Too often, the way seems to be to point the finger at something or someone else, then later wonder why so many children grow up and have difficulties with jobs or relationships. As parents, it’s often easier to point the finger at people such as teachers and accuse them of failing to do their jobs instead of helping your children adjust to an imperfect world. Children whose parents put their emotions first are navigating the world through a happiness lens, and if they are not happy, they are likely not engaging. The process of life becomes looking outward versus inward, and children may become experts at finding other people’s flaws but in the process lose the ability to process their own.

Children are learning that their moods dictate what they should do, and not the other way around. As a result, they may stop doing things when they become harder, and they may avoid social circles and relationships that don’t make them happy all the time. This can also manifest as less motivation to take risks or put themselves out there because of discomfort.

The Road Is Often Paved with Good Intentions

Where do we go from here? Most parents mean well and deeply want their children to be happy, but we as parents need to start making some serious changes. Here are 11 ways we can take our children’s emotions into account while also being the best parents we can be:

1. If you are accepting your child’s emotions, this includes all emotions. It does not mean creating an “always make you happy” situation. You have to allow your children to process their emotions when things aren’t going their way, which will help them build resilience.
2. Behavior and feelings are different. Your children are allowed to FEEL however they do. This does not give them a pass to BEHAVE however they want. Hold children responsible for their behavior and let them know that they have a choice in how they manage their feelings.
3. Promote looking inward, self-regulating, and taking responsibility. Today they may have the worst math teacher on the planet, but someday your children may have the worst boss in the world. In either situation, they must learn to cope.
4. If we cannot accept when our children are anything but happy, we are setting them up for a race they will never win.
5. Consider using consequences instead of reward systems. Reward systems are unrealistic and confusing to children, and they do not work long-term. Consequences help develop consequential thinking, which is key to self-regulation and thinking beyond the present moment.
6. If your child screams at you and you give in, you are teaching him or her that emotions rule. Show your child that behavior rules by remaining calm and shifting your stance only when he or she makes better choices.
7. Allow your child to feel emotions. Sit with him or her. Explore instead of fix. Process instead of numb. Trust in your child and he or she will trust in themselves.
8. Reframe discomfort as growth. Teach your child essential skills for coping or consider finding a therapist to help him or her learn and utilize coping skills.
9. Let your child make mistakes, take risks, and mess up. Natural consequences are sometimes the best consequences.
10. Put boundaries on anxiety and anger. Anxiety is at the root of many behavior issues we see, and we too often allow children to behave disastrously because of it. Anxiety is an intense emotional response and it needs boundaries.
11. Process your own emotions. If you are unable to feel your own range of emotions, it’s going to be very difficult to be with your child as he or she is feeling his or her own. Practice sitting with your child and remind yourself that it is OK that he or she is feeling.

Parenting is by far the most difficult job, and there is no one way to do it perfectly. You will mess up, you will face all sorts of emotions, and that’s OK. It can become a beautiful model for your children to follow. The best thing we can give ourselves and to our children is the ability to self-reflect, change, and grow. Teach them to look inward instead of outward for happiness, what it means to work hard for something despite discomfort, and how to take risks doing what they love.

It is an incredibly important milestone for civilization as a whole that we are allowing our children to have a say and to express themselves. Now, however, we must do the hard work of teaching them what to do with the emotions they are expressing.

The refrain is familiar. Frazzled parents enter my office and are at a loss as to how to handle the intense emotions of their child. “He goes from zero to 60 in no time flat,” they report. Sometimes the child is lashing out in anger, sometimes he or she is overcome with sadness. The overall effect is that the parents are left confused about how to help the child put on the brakes when emotions take control.

Let’s look at a case of a child we’ll call Justin (not his real name). Justin, a third-grade student, has always had trouble managing intense anger. He often loses his temper with his younger brother, resorting to screaming, hitting, or saying very mean things (i.e. “I hope you die!”). He sometimes makes hissing noises at his parents when he becomes so angry that he can’t express his feelings in words. Other times, he attempts to escape the situation by leaving the house or hiding.

Justin’s parents never know exactly what will set him off, so they find themselves walking on eggshells in their own home. The types of events that may trigger an emotional reaction for Justin are often minor and seem out of proportion. Chores, homework, and other daily activities can ruin an entire day, and the family sometimes feels compelled to leave social events due to his behavior.

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His parents simply want Justin to be resilient enough to handle the obstacles he faces in his daily life. They know his behavior has, at times, impacted his peer relationships, and although Justin desires more friendships, he has a difficult time establishing and maintaining them because of his anger outbursts.

When Justin comes to counseling sessions, we spend a lot of time exploring these events and searching for more appropriate coping skills. As Justin has progressed through counseling, he has made strides to recognize that his intense emotional reactions are causing more problems than they are solving. We work on relaxation and realistic reframing of negative thoughts to help get through these events.

As we worked through these types of experiences, a pattern began to emerge that I have frequently seen with others.

Finding the first emotion is a skill that is beneficial for both children and adults. Parents can help to coach their children through this process as well.

When Justin had an angry outburst because he was going to have to share his post-baseball game ice cream with his brother, he was already in a poor mood because his team had lost the game and he had struck out. Was this outburst really about having to share his ice cream?

After having a tantrum at home because he would not be allowed to play with his neighborhood friend due to other family commitments that day, his teacher sent an email sharing that Justin had been upset at school about an argument with that friend. Was the meltdown related to the fact the family had other plans and he wasn’t getting his way?

Being asked to put his homework away after spending over an hour on a writing assignment caused a major incident with books being thrown, name-calling, and Justin being carried to his room because he was unable to calm himself. Was the incident caused by being asked to transition from homework to dinner time?

In each of these situations, there was a preceding event that triggered some uncomfortable emotions in Justin. He felt embarrassed by his performance during the baseball game; he was worried about the impact of the argument with his friend; and he was frustrated by the writing assignment that he felt had to be “just right.” It is easy to mistake the reaction as the stubborn response of an obstinate child.

By working with Justin to trace back the events to the true trigger, it became clear that he experiences uncomfortable emotions and struggles to verbalize them and process them independently. This results the discomfort building and eventually exploding as anger, directed at anybody who may be nearby. Through therapy, Justin continues to work on identifying the first uncomfortable emotion and finding ways to reduce the resulting anxiety before it builds to the point that he acts out in anger.

Finding the first emotion is a skill that is beneficial for both children and adults. Parents can help to coach their children through this process as well. Here are some steps to help you get started with identifying the first emotion:

• Help the child understand that emotions are neither good nor bad. Some make us feel uncomfortable, but that is a natural (and beneficial) experience.
• Process events once the child is calm. Backtrack and identify the first occurrence of an uncomfortable emotion. Work to identify the original trigger. Guide without judgment. Ask, “What happened before that? How did you feel when that happened?”
• Focus on the first emotion. Most likely it is uncomfortable to talk about and is related to feeling frustrated, worried, unsure, or embarrassed.
• Brainstorm ways to resolve that uncomfortable first emotion. It can be sharing the feelings verbally, finding ways to reframe negative thoughts associated with the uncomfortable emotion, or using self-talk to get through those difficult moments.

Many of us have close friendships that we value. Unfortunately, there is often a pattern of decline in friendships after a diagnosis of autism. Through the work I’ve done with people in therapy and my own experience of raising a child on the autism spectrum, I have found that there are several reasons for this.

A Diagnosis Changes Relationships

I often caution parents new to the diagnosis that their lives are about to completely change. After an autism diagnosis, almost nothing remains the same. Parents typically enter a grieving process while trying to navigate new doctor and therapy schedules. Maintaining friendships often becomes the least of their concerns.

Autism also has a way of weeding out “friends” who were never all that supportive in the first place. People who are overly dependent, toxic people, or those who simply drain tend to go by the wayside. You no longer have time or patience for drama. Those who don’t understand or empathize with your grief process may become angry that you don’t have time for them or accuse you of changing. “You’re just not the same person,” they might say. “I miss the old Sally.”

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Sally represents myriad autism moms, especially, who continue to share the same story: “My friends just don’t get it.”

There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.

Time and Energy Are Precious

Autism takes a great amount of time and energy as a parent. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle to maintaining friendships. If you work, even part-time, the challenge becomes greater. Children on the spectrum tend to miss more school than the average child due to associated health issues. Their sleep hygiene tends to be poor or more irregular. Children with autism often need constant supervision to ensure they don’t get hurt or run away. It can be overwhelming.

If you have other children in the household, it can be a struggle to maintain a balance of time with them and your child on the spectrum. There never seems to be enough of you to go around.

If there is a spouse or significant other, there is the additional challenge of nurturing that relationship.

At the end of the day, you might be so exhausted that the last thing you want to do is get on the phone to call (or return a call from) a friend.

There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.

Assumptions Can Get in the Way

There are assumptions that we make about others that may or may not be true. One of the most prevalent is that people are judging us. Many autism parents’ homes are unkempt at best, and some are embarrassed to invite others into their chaos. Right or wrong, healthy or not, this is a reality for many spectrum moms in my community. Also, many children with autism don’t adapt well to others in their physical space, so some parents don’t invite others over for that reason.

Of course, parents may also assume that others don’t want to be friends anymore because it’s too much of a hassle. Let’s face it: When friends call and I can’t call back; when they invite me to events and I keep declining; when I finally do make plans but back out at the last minute, these things do not serve friendships. It may begin to appear as if I don’t want to engage, even if this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Another common assumption is that other parents don’t want their kids to socialize with children on the spectrum. This is sometimes untrue, but not universally.

The Importance of Letting It Go

So what’s the solution? Is there one? I think the answer varies from person to person, family to family. The guilt associated with not being able to call others back or return favors tends to eat away at the people I’ve encountered in therapy. My advice to them is the same as the advice I received while in my counseling internship. One day while I was agonizing over feeling like a bad friend, my then-supervisor (now someone I call a friend) said, “Janeen, you have enough BS and ‘have-tos’ in your life. Let this go.”

And that was it. I had permission to let it go, and so I did.

There aren’t many people I call “friend.” There are only two I call in crises who can talk me off my ledge. After almost 18 years of parenting a child with special needs, I have come to know what’s truly important in life. My inability to return a phone call, and all of the guilt that accompanies it, is at the bottom of the list.

If you’re the parent of a child on the spectrum, I hope it’s at the bottom of your list as well.