Some people become emotionally overwhelmed when they see or hold a small baby. They develop a longing to have a baby, even when they may already have children. In popular culture, this phenomenon is known as “baby fever.” This type of event can happen to virtually anyone. However, it seems to affect only certain people, while others appear to be immune. The curious nature of “baby fever” was of interest to Gary L. Brase at the Department of Psychology at Kansas State University, so he decided to conduct a series of studies to determine if there were biological causes for the phenomenon and why it occurs.

Brase recruited 853 nonstudent young adults and 337 college students and measured their desire for a baby, if this desire differed by gender, and how it related to sexual desire, emotions, and experience with other children. After an exhaustive examination, Brase found evidence for the existence of “baby fever.” “Three factors strongly and consistently underlie desire for a baby: Positive Exposure, Negative Exposure, and Tradeoffs,” Brase wrote. One contributing factor that led to “baby fever” was positive experience with children. Individuals who had bad experiences with children were less likely to develop “baby fever” than those who had only good experiences. Trade-offs also played a major role. Participants who were comfortable with trading time, intimacy, financial resources, and energy for a baby were at increased risk of “baby fever” when compared to those who were less willing to trade those commodities.

Although Brase discovered that the desire for a baby was present in men and women alike, it was more evident in the women. He also noted that desire for sex was quite different than the desire for a baby for both sexes. Despite the fact sex leads to babies, the reproductive/sexual desire is independent from the desire to nurture and parent. The results of this study clearly show that “baby fever” is a unique occurrence unrelated to sexual motivation and cultural expectations, but future research should look further at the psychological origins.

Reference:
Brase, Gary L., and Sandra L. Brase. Emotional regulation of fertility decision making: What is the nature and structure of “baby fever”? Emotion 12.5 (2012): 1141-154. Print.

There are many parallels between living with a disability and dealing with an uninvited house guest. If you have ever had an uninvited house guest, I am sure you remember moments when things may have been uncertain and, at times, tense or uncomfortable. At the very least, having an uninvited guest requires some adjustments, much like living with a disability.

An uninvited guest may arrive unannounced, leaving no time to plan or prepare. Likewise, in many cases people living with disability have little or no time to plan for the many changes to come. While there may have been no way to prevent the disability and requisite life changes, having time to prepare—psychologically and literally—can make a huge difference in a person’s ability to adapt and cope.

A period of psychological adjustment is required for a person who has a disability, his or her spouse/partner, parents, and other family members. The adjustment process people frequently talk about resembles the grief process in many ways. Like the grief process, people often experience feelings in what seem to be stages. Similar to the grief process, this adaptation process usually begins with a period of denial.

Denial
In my work with couples and families living with multiple sclerosis, I often hear concerns that one person seems to be “stuck in denial.” To people who have moved through the initial denial stage, it may seem as if their loved one is not progressing as quickly as others. The truth is, different people work through this period of adjustment differently, and it takes as long as it takes. The denial stage usually happens at the time of diagnosis or disability, and may come up again at other times. For example, in a progressive illness, if one begins to lose mobility or other limitations arise, the initial stage of the adjustment process may be triggered again.

It may seem clear to a caregiver/partner or family member who has been helping someone walk even short distances that a mobility device is needed (cane, walker, scooter). For the person who is having mobility difficulty, admitting that it is time to talk to a doctor about a mobility device may affect his or her identity, hope for recovery, or future progress. If so, working through the denial and bargaining, and then later stages of adaptation, may be necessary. It is not unusual to see all members of the family triggered by new developments that start the process over.

Denial is believed to be a protective measure that prevents us from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Denial slows down the process of coping with traumatic events, giving us more time to psychologically prepare ourselves for the onslaught of feelings. The process of denial, known as a defense mechanism, should not be rushed or sabotaged by well-meaning loved ones who are at a different place in the adaptation process. Doing so can cause the person who needs more time to become emotionally overwhelmed without the necessary skills to cope effectively.

Coping skills: A person with disability and his or her family members should try to be empathetic and understand things from the perspective of others. Be honest, but gentle, about your perceptions. Choose the time to discuss these issues carefully—not when either of you are tired, frustrated, or angry. Always talk to your loved one(s) before bringing up concerns with doctors or other professionals.  Caregivers and family members should keep in mind that their needs are important, too. Take care of yourself and make sure you have plenty of support. When children are involved, be very careful what and how you share information with them. Children need to hear things based on what is appropriate for their age and stage of development. Ask for guidance from a professional if you are unsure how much to tell children or how to talk to them about disability.

Bargaining
The stage that usually follows denial is bargaining. During this time, people often are looking for second opinions, alternative therapies, and other remedies. It can also be a time when we promise the gods that we will turn our lives around if given a second chance without the disability or diagnosis.

It is true that finding the best medical providers, keeping a positive outlook, and staying informed of new research and possibilities is important. However, this can also be a time when people are vulnerable to scams and false promises. Unfortunately, there are a lot of companies and people who offer products and services that guarantee outcomes without doing the necessary research required to back up those assurances.

It is a good idea to check out any new or experimental treatments carefully before trying them—particularly if there is a large commitment of money, resources, or time involved. Check with local and national nonprofit organizations that provide services to people with your specific issue or health challenge. Agencies such as the National MS Society, American Cancer Society, and others often have information about ancillary and alternative therapies. They may be able to send you information or answer your questions.

Coping skills: Make decisions together based on facts. Find local and national organizations that you trust to support you and provide well-researched information. Be sure that any second opinions or ancillary providers have access to all the information you have from other providers. In some cases, taking medications or treatment without being fully aware of how they interact with your other treatment can be life-threatening. Make a commitment to fully investigate any new or experimental treatments before deciding to try it. Ask for and check references when appropriate. Verify the credentials of all providers before visiting them. At some point, you may have to accept a new reality that you had not planned for and do not welcome. If you have prolonged difficulty coping with the diagnosis or prognosis, find support from a professional or support group to help you with the transition.

Over the next few months, I will explore additional aspects of disability, how it affects the lives and relationships of the people involved, and ways of coping with these situations. If you have ideas to share about how you have effectively coped with any of the situations presented, please join the discussion by leaving comments below. Likewise, if you have questions, feel free to ask for input from others who read the blog.

The term “hook up” is one modern way individuals, especially young people, refer to casual-sex encounters. Teenagers who are sexually active, but not in romantic relationships, may “hook up” with other teens. But are these encounters damaging to adolescents’ sense of well-being? Research has suggested that teens who date are more likely to experience stress, depression, and emotional conflict than those who do not. However, the level of depression and stress teens experience in committed relationships has not been compared to the depression and stress in teens who “hook up.”

To address this void in research, Jane Mendle, of the Department of Human Development at Cornell University in New York, conducted a study that compared the emotional and psychological well-being of more than 1,500 pairs of siblings ranging in age from 13 to 18. She gauged whether the siblings were romantically involved with another person, engaging in sexual activity with that person, or whether they were sexually active with nonromantic partners. She found that although the teens in committed relationships did have moderately higher levels of depression than those who were single, the teens who participated in “hook-ups” had the highest levels of emotional distress and depression. This was especially pronounced in teens under the age of 15.

Mendle believes that one of the reasons for this finding could be the fact “hook-ups” often involve partners who used to date, or who may want to date each other in the future. In this sense, one of the participants may be more emotionally invested in the encounter than the other. The subsequent dismissal of a romantic relationship may bring on feelings of sadness, disappointment, and even jealousy. The findings in this study are rather robust because they are based on sibling pairs. However, this dynamic can also limit the results, and further family history should be gathered in future work. Additionally, romantic relationships, as defined by the participants, may not necessarily involve sexual intercourse but may include other intimate acts. This should also be explored in future research. “Continued exploration of how the transition to sexual maturity may be moderated by contextual factors can help clarify the particular developmental challenges and stressors of adolescence,” Mendle said.

Reference:

Mendle, J., Ferrero, J., Moore, S. R., Harden, K. P. (2012). Depression and adolescent sexual activity in romantic and nonromantic relational contexts: A genetically-informative sibling comparison. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029816

The pain of divorce is often unbearable. The experience can be so awful that you wonder whether it would have been easier to stay married or even to be dealing with some other horrific life event like death. The depth of pain is often surprising, particularly when you know you don’t want to be married anymore. What many people forget is that divorce is just a fancy word masking what is truly a broken attachment between two people. Divorce is more than separating assets and belongings.  It’s the severing of a very strong bond founded on deep feelings of dependency and need. Believe it or not, you developed an attachment to your partner over the course of dating and marriage that connected you on an emotional and physiological level beyond what you realized.

When two people get married they are vowing to be committed and to love one another, but they are also pledging to become “attached.” This attachment is unspoken and unknown to both, but it is the most powerful connection anyone can have to another person in a love relationship. According to author Helen Fischer in her book Why We Love, our “cuddle chemicals,” namely oxytocin and vasopressin, contribute to the sense of closeness and attachment couples feel toward each other in a love relationship. These bonding hormones promote a sense of fusion between lovers that deepens attachment and a sense of oneness. This biological phenomenon explains the depth of devastation felt when the attachment is broken and the physiological symptoms that become activated when attachments are severed. The response is often primal, leading to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might never surface in any other context of life.

The end of a marriage is one of the most emotionally painful human experiences. Thinking about the experience of divorce within the context of attachment generates a greater sense of empathy for what you might be feeling. It explains the levels of rage, vindictiveness, grief, and despair that so often accompany this common life transition. We too often think of divorce as a noun or a verb, but it is actually a relational trauma that has a physiological and emotional effect. You may be creating more suffering for yourself by resisting what you are feeling or telling yourself that you are overreacting.

Recognize that the end of your marriage represents much more for you than you may realize. If you were a small child and the person you depended on most was suddenly unavailable to you, there is no doubt you would have a strong reaction. The end of your marriage is no different. Give yourself the time and space to heal and repair. You are not damaged, just temporarily devastated, and the recovery will come with time. Divorce is not just a matter of the heart but an experience that impacts the whole person on a multitude of levels. 

Next Friday, August 31, 2012, GoodTherapy.org is thrilled to welcome Dr. Laurie Moore, who will present Healing Betrayal Caused by Infidelity, a FREE CE teleconference for GoodTherapy.org members available with 1.5 CE Credits. We encourage you to join us for this exciting event, so if you have not already, register today!

Working with clients who are suffering from betrayal caused by infidelity is complex, including grieving stages, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), and additional factors. This article refers to infidelity as a breach in agreed emotional and sexual monogamy. Some couples agree to open relationships or polyamory, which is a different situation. Infidelity as defined in Wikipedia is “a breach of an expectation of sexual and or emotional exclusivity.” This involves a lie and broken promise, causing feelings of intense betrayal for many people.

Infidelity has become a common problem. Some infidelity statistics state that over 50% of both men and women engage in infidelity (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2012) and others say 30% to 60% (Wikipedia, 2012).

Those suffering from infidelity betrayal commonly go through Kubler Ross’s well-known stages of grief:

1. Denial: This didn’t really happen or it’s not really as upsetting as I feel it is.
2. Anger: How could you?
3. Bargaining : If only I had communicated differently, this would not have happened.
4. Depression : I feel helpless. Nothing I can do changes this discomfort.
5. Acceptance : I have been hurt and disillusioned but I am at peace with myself.

The experience of grief due to infidelity includes additional factors that are absent from grief occurring from a death. Grief due to death is felt in a finite situation that contains an end. It is understood that the one who is gone is gone from the body permanently. Grief due to a breach in trust has no finite or predictable container. The one suffering finds him- or herself in unpredictable circumstances, which often feel very dismantling and excruciatingly unsettling.

Feelings that challenge self-confidence and worth are more common to infidelity betrayal than loss alone. Death is socially expected. Infidelity is shunned. The one who is betrayed is prone to feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment because the situation remains privately hidden or is condemned by a variety of reactions when exposed.

When death is the cause of grief, a solo journey is required. When betrayal is the cause of grief, two people are involved, so the situation is more complicated. Once one is lied to, the relationship is uncertain. This person can’t tell whether he or she is being lied to or told the truth. The one experiencing this challenge is often upset again in the aftermath of the partner relationship. This is different than the one abandoned by a death whose loss cannot re-emerge in a repeating scenario.

Clients with heartache caused by infidelity and betrayal can also go through fight-or-flight syndrome:

Fight: Arguing with, controlling, or managing the person who betrayed me will solve this.

Flight: Leaving will solve this.

Once fight or flight proves useless, a person will seek comfort in other ways. By assisting this person to fully meet the helplessness, sorrow, anger, anguish, disillusionment, and heartache that has come, peace can be found.

I have found that client-centered talk therapy, hypnotherapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and the 12-step program are all deeply valuable for clients healing from infidelity. I also use my own Success Love Now (SLN) process effectively in these situations. Here is how and why each of these methods is valuable.

Someone who is suffering from loss and feeling isolated due to the taboo nature of this loss needs to be witnessed compassionately and caringly. This in itself helps to relieve the tremendous burden one carries from feeling alone. When being accepted within the context and emotions one is truly feeling, without being corrected or judged, peace can start to return. Acknowledging your understanding and compassion for a clients’ diverse set of feelings can be a profound help to a suffering client.

Because the shock of betrayal can be extreme, disrupting normal life in many ways, EMDR assists the hurting person to digest the deep emotions that are arising. Just getting through the day becomes a challenge for people who are betrayed. EMDR makes the healing time for this upheaval much faster in many cases.

Hypnotherapy allows the person who was hurt to re-find stability, meet parts of him- or herself that were hurting before the situation occurred, heal parts of him- or herself that are hurting now, and find a new basis for equanimity that is deeper than the circumstances. Taking a client into a deep, relaxed state in which the client can bring in peaceful parts of him- or herself to help the hurting parts enables a client to rebuild self-esteem and strength.

S-Anon Twelve Steps allow people to find the value in surrender, the gift in their challenge, and the support of others enduring similar pain. Twelve Steps also help the one who was betrayed to find out if addiction was involved in the betrayal, as commonly is the case. Letting your client know that S-anon is an option can be a valuable part of her or his healing process.

SLN provides a new framework for the person to feel empowered and at ease within the undesired circumstances. Encouraging the client to focus on what his/her purpose and aim are for him- or herself and gratitude for the good that is occurring within the context of the undesired happenings is beneficial. This will bring a client out of a victim mode and into a creative mode.

Of course, if the person who was betrayed plans to stay in the relationship, couples counseling and counseling for the one who was betrayed are necessary.

When working with clients who have been betrayed due to infidelity, it is important to understand the complexity of loss, mixed with PTSD, combined with humiliation–this situation causes a long period of overwhelm and readjustment. When the client is treated with compassion, the healing can go well.

Sources:

1. Infidelity statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved August 20, 2012, from http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics
2. Infidelity. (n.d.) Retrieved August 20, 2012, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity

Related articles:
Cheating
Can a Couple Recover From Infidelity?
In-Depth Map for Three of the Eight SUCCESS LOVE NOW Steps

I almost always suggest to clients that they learn focused abdominal breathing and practice a minimum of 5 minutes every day; for the best results, I recommend they practice 20 or more minutes per day. Sometimes they look at me funny and ask “You mean all I have to do is just breathe and everything will be better?” I tell them that no, everything is not going to magically change to exactly what you want in life, but learning and practicing focused abdominal breathing every day WILL do this for you:

1) Special breathing techniques can help reduce physical pain. Often when people are in pain, they breathe in a very shallow, disordered pattern. They also may frequently hold their breath without even realizing it. These are mostly unconscious protective reactions to pain, but they can actually increase the level of pain. Several recent scientific studies have shown that breathing at a slower rate from the diaphragm can significantly reduce sensations of pain.

2) Breathing helps to properly balance oxygen and carbon dioxide levels in the body.  Breathing properly from the diaphragm will:
•    Fuel energy production
•    Improve focus and concentration
•    Increase relaxation and calmness
•    Reduce tension and anxiety
•    Eliminate toxins
•    Strengthen the immune system
•    Improve bowel function
•    Lower blood pressure
•    Increase metabolism, aiding in digestion and weight loss

On the other hand, not breathing correctly can cause problems for a number of systems in the body, including the immune, circulatory, endocrine, and nervous systems. Improper breathing can produce various symptoms including:
•    Difficulty focusing attention
•    Dizziness
•    Numbness
•    Anxiety
•    Chest pain
•    Digestive problems
•    Irritable bowel
•    Neck and shoulder pain

3) Breathing releases emotional energy that is trapped in the body. People with anxiety and/or depression are almost always (and I mean 99.9% of the time) either breathing very shallowly or frequently holding their breath. Holding the breath is one of the most common ways that people stop emotions from coming up (think about the last time you tried not to cry, feel afraid, or get angry). Once you hold in an emotion it stays trapped in your body, until you release it. Breathing allows stifled, buried emotions to finally start to surface and be released.

4) Breathing keeps you in the present moment, instead of the past or the future. People with depression are often stuck in thoughts about the past, and people with anxiety are stuck in thoughts about the future. When you’re concentrating on your breathing, you are paying attention to your body sensations, the sound of your breath, and the process of breathing, all of which are happening RIGHT NOW. When you’re paying full attention to RIGHT NOW, you take AWAY energy and attention from the thoughts about the past or future. When you bring your attention to NOW, you automatically feel calmer.

Using the breath is a way to learn how the body and mind are connected. This is why I teach proper breathing to clients. Thoughts are directly related to feelings in the body and likewise, body sensations give rise to thought patterns in the mind. Mind and body are in a constant dance of influence, and it is important for people to learn that they have more choice and control in the matter than they thought.

Basic Instructions for Focused Abdominal Breathing
More than likely, if you are experiencing depression, anxiety, or pain, you are breathing shallowly from your upper chest. You want to train yourself to breath from your diaphragm/abdomen. Although it’s most effective to have someone teach you the process in person, here are the basic steps:

1) Sit in a comfortable upright position with your back against your chair and your feet on the ground. Keep your back straight, but let your shoulders and the rest or your body be very relaxed.

2) Place your left hand on your abdomen. Imagine that the entire area from your lower abdomen up to your chest is one large, rectangular balloon. Now, start by exhaling as completely as possible. Empty out as much air as possible. Your left hand will move inwards as the “balloon” area deflates. Now, slowly and gently, inhale, imagining that you are filling the balloon starting from the bottom, all the way up to the top. When you are breathing correctly from your abdomen, your lower abdomen will inflate, followed by your chest expanding, and your left hand will be pushed outward. Your shoulders will not go up, they will stay in place. When you inhaled did your hand move? Or did your shoulders go up instead? If your shoulders rise up when you inhale, you are breathing from your upper chest. Exhale and try again. This type of breathing may take a little practice to get the flow going. Work on this step until you can fill and empty the “balloon” completely. Then add the next steps.

3) Now that you are breathing abdominally, relax into a natural breathing rate. Your body will take over the breathing and settle into its own rate and depth. Your job is to just observe your breathing. Focus your attention on the tip of your nose and intently notice the pressure, temperature, and sensations of the air passing in and out of your nose. If it helps you to focus, you may also silently say “breathing in” on your inhalation and “breathing out” on your exhalation. Do this focusing for 5 minutes a day to start with, and work up to 20 minutes or more per day.

4) During your focused breathing session, especially when you first start practicing, you will more than likely notice that you are thinking about something else other than breathing. Thoughts have intruded into your mind and distracted your attention. When this happens, try not to react with any emotion (such as frustration). Just gently and silently allow the thoughts to drift upwards far away in to the sky like a soap bubble and then turn your attention back to your breath. At first you will find yourself re-directing your attention many, many times each session. Over time you’ll be able to maintain focus on your breathing for longer and longer periods of time and it will get easier to let go of intruding thoughts. It will even become easier to let go of unhelpful thoughts you have during the rest of the day (such as disturbing thoughts of the past or worrisome thoughts of the future). The most important thing is to keep doing the focused breathing every day, no matter what.

Open, full, unrestricted, unobstructed breathing is very important for your physical, mental and emotional health. It is something simple that can make a very big difference in your life. There are many things in life that we have no control of, so doesn’t it make sense to do the things we can have some control over? You can actively affect your own physiology and mental/emotional state just by mastering the art of breathing, focusing, and being present.

Related articles:
Deep Breathing and Guided Imagery
Alcohol and Anxiety: Not As Helpful As You Think
Managing Your Moods Through Mindfulness

People who have suffered childhood trauma are at increased risk for psychological problems resulting from extreme stress. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is one such condition that has been linked to severe childhood trauma. When the trauma is inflicted by a caregiver, the child’s ability to cope is significantly impaired. The effects of unhealthy coping, attachment dysfunction, and emotional regulation can affect many areas of the child’s life as they continue into adulthood. Affect dysregulation is the inability to control one’s moods and emotions and has been linked to BPD and other mental illnesses. Underregulation of emotions is expressed by lack of control, extreme emotional overwhelm; while overregulation is the result of numbing and is exhibited by an inability to express emotions. To determine which of these factors is more indicative of BPD in adults who suffered trauma during childhood by their primary caregiver (TPC), Annemiek van Dijke of the Delta Psychiatric Hospital in the Netherlands conducted a study of 472 clients with a diagnosis of BPD.

The participants’ levels of affect regulation were documented and they were evaluated for various forms of TPC, including sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional trauma. Van Dijke found that 63% of the participants had experienced some form of TPC and that those with underregulation had more symptoms of BPD than the participants with overregulated affect. Although the study did not consider other factors that could influence BPD, such as family history, other traumas, and the mental health of the caregivers, the results clearly emphasize the importance of examining emotional regulation, and specifically underregulation, in clients with a history of TPC.

The findings also showed that the participants with TPC were at increased risk for posttraumatic stress (PTSD). But Van Dijke noted that no research has been conducted to determine exactly how specific forms of TPC affect the severity of PTSD symptoms or how they are indirectly affected through affect regulation as a result of TPC. In sum, Van Dijke believes that these results can benefit clients who have suffered TPC by educating clinicians on the importance of helping clients build more secure relationships and develop healthier emotional expressions.

Reference:
Van Dijke, A., Ford, J. D., van Son, M., Frank, L., & van der Hart, O. (2012). Association of childhood-trauma-by-primary caregiver and affect dysregulation with borderline personality disorder symptoms in adulthood. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0027256

A death, divorce, illness, sudden unemployment, or any major loss can create chaos in your life. This emotional fracturing, as well as the practical aftershocks of dealing with estates, lawyers, housing, finances, and doctors often yields intense feelings that can be overwhelming.

When you can’t assimilate another thing, it is crucial to just stop. Even if you have never meditated, simply sitting or lying down and paying attention to your breath can calm your nervous system and give you the literal breather you need.

If it is too hard to stay still, take a walk. It is imperative you give yourself a break from the internal chatter and incessant activity that may be consuming every waking moment. When you think you do not have a minute to sit, lie down, or walk, that is when you need the break the most. Take it, and watch the world continue to spin on its axis.

Practice Beginner’s Mind, Witness Consciousness, and Self-Compassion

[fat_widget_grief_right]A big part of healing through grief is connecting with yourself while putting all the parts back together in a new way that makes you feel safe and whole. This process of reconnecting all the emotional, physical, and spiritual dots can be an exhausting and chaotic ride. One minute, there is a sense of control and growing mastery; the next, you are surfing a sea of feelings.

Part of the immediate task is showing up with what yogis call beginner’s mind and witness consciousness. Beginner’s mind refers to an attitude of openness when approaching something new—without preconceived notions—just as a beginner would. This particular grief experience is terra incognita; you haven’t had it before. By abandoning all your ideas about how you “should” feel or behave, you allow yourself to safely feel what is true in the moment. That cosmic permission slip, coupled with open awareness, allows you to fully experience the moment and all it entails emotionally. While you may want to run from it, the only way out is through it. Avoidance may provide short-term relief, but it often brings long-term pain.

Achieving witness consciousness means retraining your mind to detach enough for objectivity. It is practicing watching something with a neutral perspective and not identifying with it. Both of these yogic techniques encourage you to leave your ego outside. You might never succeed in completely detaching from your ego, but these practices can allow you to experience the freedom and joy of not taking everything personally, while enhancing your chances for greater inner peace.

Beginner’s mind, witness consciousness, and self-compassion can be the trifecta for healing from almost anything. They shore you up, increase your perspective, and allow for enough detachment to see things more clearly.

Simple Routines Can Help Ease the Chaos

Just as in yoga, where each visit to the mat reveals something new, the process of unraveling the threads of grief is fresh every minute. Whether it’s a crying spell, a fit of anger, guilt, or deep sadness, recognizing how each one is unique can keep you open to change and transformation.

The chaos of grief is sometimes caused, in part, by the old issues it triggers, such as abandonment and posttraumatic stress. During times of acute emotional turmoil, being gentle with yourself can ease the pain. Recognizing unhelpful thought patterns and challenging them as much as possible may help you to feel better and more in control.

The chaotic emotional fallout of grief can also be assuaged by establishing simple routines, such as:

•  Taking a tea break at the same time every day
• Getting some exercise
• Listening to soothing music
• Meditating
• Talking on the phone with someone supportive
• Eating at regular intervals
• Watching the sky
• Spending time with your pet

Simple and readily available tasks can have a greater chance of providing you with an enjoyable way to calm the chaos.

Related articles:
Learn to Sit with Discomfort in Your Life
Surviving Suffering
How to Be With Someone Who Is Grieving

Feelings of psychological defeat are common symptoms of many mental health problems. In some research, psychological defeat has been linked to the onset of psychosis and other challenges. “Defeat may also contribute to the development and maintenance of schizophrenia,” said Judith Johnson of the School of Psychology at the University of Birmingham in the UK and lead author of a recent study on defeat and emotion. “Perceptions of defeat have been associated with the onset and exacerbation of a range of psychiatric conditions and disorders, including depression, anxiety, and suicide,” said Johnson. “Thus, the aim of the current research was to investigate the extent to which the emotion regulation strategy of reappraisal moderated the impact of failure on perceived defeat among both a nonclinical sample and individuals diagnosed with a schizophrenia-spectrum disorder, for whom perceived defeat may be particularly important.”

For her study, Johnson focused on the effects of trait reappraisal, the frequency with which people use reappraisal. In the first part of the study, over 100 undergraduate students were evaluated for trait reappraisal as they completed tasks designed to elicit feelings of failure or success. “Specifically it was found that higher frequency of reappraisal was associated with greater increases in sadness and negative affect and greater decreases in calmness after an experience of failure,” said Johnson. In the second part, Johnson examined trait reappraisal in people diagnosed with schizophrenia and found similar results. “Supporting the prediction, it was found that reappraisal amplified the difference in defeat between individuals in the failure and success conditions. Specifically, results suggested that the highest increases in self-reported defeat were among frequent reappraisers who experienced failure,” said Johnson, noting that the findings have significant clinical implications. She added, “Frequent use of reappraisal may confer vulnerability to subjective defeat in response to stressful life events among nonclinical and clinical populations and could be an area for relapse prevention interventions to target.”

Reference:
Johnson, Judith, Patricia A. Gooding, Alex M. Wood, Peter J. Taylor, and Nicholas Tarrier. “Trait Reappraisal Amplifies Subjective Defeat, Sadness, and Negative Affect in Response to Failure versus Success in Nonclinical and Psychosis Populations.”Journal of Abnormal Psychology 120.4 (2011): 922-34. Print.

No one can prepare us for the experience of providing care for a seriously ill family member or friend. When sickness strikes someone close to us, there may be a sense of chaos, urgency, and confusion. Details must be agreed upon, phone calls made, and appointments kept.  You’d like to sit and catch your breath, but chances are there is a list of tasks and you’re already running behind.

Illness has a way of sweeping the rug right out from under us.  Some illnesses are chronic, part of our loved one’s day-to-day existence – and ours as well. Others may first appear in the form of a suspicious lump, a questionable lab result, or an accident.  Whether chronic or acute, you’ve got a lot on your mind, heart, and plate. This article is written for you – a few ideas to help you so that you can better help your loved one.

Get centered – Stop, for just a moment, and look at your daily routine. Are you getting enough nutritious food? Enough sleep? Are you able to go for a walk, even around the grounds of the hospital? You can’t drive a car on an empty gas tank. Take a minute to make sure you include some element of self-care.  If this feels overwhelming, keep reading.

Get connected – Meet the doctors and caregivers involved in your loved one’s treatment. Explore resources for support in your community.  Hospitals usually have a Social Services office, oftentimes with social workers and others who can talk with you, offer ideas and resources, and help you navigate this experience.

Get answers – Got a question about your loved one’s treatment? Ask.  Noticing a new symptom or a side effect of medication? Tell someone. Clinicians are often bound by confidentiality, which may or may not apply depending on your circumstances. It doesn’t hurt to ask or to speak up. Knowledge is power. While we are on the topic of answers, is this the time to become aware of your loved one’s treatment wishes, legal matters, preferences about his or her personal paperwork? These can be some of the most difficult decisions we ever have to make, but they are important to consider in the case of serious illness.

Get support – It can be easy to isolate and lose touch with your friends and family, however, having concerned others who can be there for you is vital. Allow others in. If you can, remain involved in school, work, and activities you enjoy. Some days you may need to share how you are feeling with a friend. Other days you may not be able to give one more status report and just want someone to go to a movie with you. Friends and family can be a vital part of your wellness team.

Get control – “Control?? You’ve got to be kidding!”  It may feel right now like nothing is within your control. Serious illness or injury can sweep through your life like a force of nature. But hear me out. What can you control right now? Making decisions about mundane tasks like what to wear or what to have for dinner can add a tiny spot of normalcy. You can prioritize your day in any way available to you: “I will spend an hour at the hospital this morning, then when Mom goes down for x-rays, I will go down to the coffee shop and call a friend.” Getting control may also mean knowing your limitations and saying “No” when you need to.

Finally, get hope. When someone is diagnosed with serious illness, it may be hard to know what the future holds. There is a fine line between facing a significant medical diagnosis realistically, and holding onto hope for recovery. You may find yourself wavering between hoping for the best and yet fearing the worst. You are not alone in this state of confusion. Finding peace and balance can come as you work through the barrage of feelings, thoughts, and fears that are an inherent part of serious medical crises. Reach out to your support system, and allow others to help. If you have a spiritual path, this is a good time to spend some time connecting with your faith. Most of all, take the best care of yourself that you can during this stressful time.

Life holds no guarantees, but knowing this doesn’t make it any easier when we face a medical crisis. You are not alone. Allow others to help, find quiet moments for reflection alone as well as connection with your loved one who is ill, and if you begin to feel your level of distress is overwhelming, reach out and talk to someone you trust.

When we describe the relationship between mother and infant, we understand that baby and mother are one. In that symbiotic relationship, there is merger. There are not two separate selves with their own subjectivities who are relating to one another. (One’s subjectivity is the unique way in which we perceive our self and the world.) Our selves and subjectivities develop as we grow from infant to child to adolescent to adult.  When two people come together with their subjectivities, they are relating as two different people. When the processes of separation and individuation have been problematic, the development of one’s unique subjectivity is impaired. The ability to consider someone else’s subjectivity is also not developed. This makes relationship difficult. When a self is undeveloped in a relationship, there is no “other” to connect to.

Ken has been married for 15 months to Ellen. They met when he was finishing law school and she was teaching at the local high school. Ken loved her. She was smart and pretty and Ken was excited about making a life with her and starting a family.  Ken was an optimist and nothing seemed more wonderful to him than the thought of their future together. It came as a shock when Ellen told Ken that she didn’t want to be married to him any more. She said it was nothing about him, but that she was just not as happy as she wanted to be and thought they should end the marriage. This was what Ken told me when he came to see me for therapy. (more…)

This article contains detailed information and accounts of suicidal ideation & behavior. If you or someone you know may be considering suicide, get help now.

To continue to discuss the very different types of experience people have with depression, this is one that most people don’t experience, but is important to address, since some do. Suicide is not in this case a tool to get people to do or feel what the suicidal person wants; it’s simply the ultimate way to make unrelenting emotional pain stop.

I believe people’s experience of the emotional pain of life varies tremendously. Some of this is due to genetically influenced brain chemistry and resilience, but much of it is due to how much trauma and emotional hurt, loss, injustice, abuse, and other painful experiences people have experienced. We have beta endorphins in our brains to numb pain and create euphoria, so we can handle both physical and emotional pain. But people are born with varying amounts and life events can influence our supply as well. For people with very little of this chemical, life is much more painful. (more…)