Codependency is a difficult challenge for relationships. Popular definitions are often vague, so it can be difficult to know what a codependent relationship is, much less how to fix it. In this article, we will consider advice of four marriage and relationship experts: Deb Hirschhorn, PhD; Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD; Deanna Richards, LMHC; and Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MFT. They will reveal telltale signs of codependency and provide practical solutions for couples.

What Are Codependent Relationships?

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What does a codependent relationship look like? According to Lori Hollander:

When a couple enters therapy and it’s clear that one partner’s needs are being subjugated to the other’s needs, the relationship is codependent … One partner is on the “selfish” side, while the other is on the “selfless” side.

The selfish person … feels entitled to do what they want … They do not understand why their self-centered actions bother their partner. They manipulate their communication to blame their partner instead of owning their part of the problem.

The selfless person has either withdrawn … [or tried and failed to] stand up for their needs … Though they may complain about how they are treated … they tolerate and enable their partner’s selfish behavior at the expense of their own emotional and physical health.

I worked with a man who felt he deserved to have extramarital affairs because he had been faithful to his wife for the first 30 years. She tried to ignore his dalliances until she could no longer take it. In a session she asked him to stop seeing other women, and he said no. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to leave him.

On the surface, codependency seems like a straightforward issue. If someone is being selfish, they should stop and consider their partner’s feelings. But how does someone figure out when they are being too selfless? Kathy Hardie-Williams recommends that we look out for these common signs of codependent relationships:

• Our sense of identity is defined by taking care of others.
• We have building resentment about what we do for others but don’t believe we can say no.
• We are afraid to set boundaries with others because it might hurt their feelings, and we end up being dishonest about our own boundaries.
• We cross the boundaries of others by assuming they ‘need us’ to take care of them.
• We are uncomfortable allowing others to deal with their own pain, therefore we take their pain on for them.

Powerful emotions permeate codependent relationships. There are strong ties but also deep emotional wounds. So why do the selfless partners stay? Deanna Richards explains:

Typically, one person in the couple … defers to their partner for decision making and often will rely on the partner’s opinion rather than sharing their own. They may also … put aside their own needs and wants in order to please the other person … While they might feel unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship, they may feel like they cannot live without the other person or that no one else would want to be with them.

How to Successfully Resolve Codependent Relationships

Although codependency can be deeply entrenched in a relationship, it is possible to overcome. If a couple does not have a therapist, there are a few interventions people can try for themselves.

Deborah Hirschhorn highlights the importance of resisting negativity. She says, “Part of the way a person gets stuck in the codependent relationship is the partner puts the person down so often that the person then believes the put-down … Those negative messages are not only coming from within oneself but also in real time from the partner.”

To challenge that negativity, she recommends people keep a log. They should write down times they perform well, such as negotiating a deal at work. When the partner claims, “You can’t handle things without me,” the person will have evidence to the contrary.

Qualified therapists can help a couple recognize the damage codependency has on their relationship. Therapy can provide a neutral space for a couple to discuss their needs and set boundaries. Therapists can also work with partners individually to overcome their emotional challenges.

Lori Hollander focuses on resolving communication issues. She suggests:

To improve this situation on their own, partners can communicate about their needs and create joint boundaries. The partner who is more selfish must recognize that their behavior is hurtful and own their part of the problem. They must learn to listen to [others’] feelings and develop more empathy. The partner who is selfless must learn to develop their voice, ask for what they need, and express what is acceptable and what it not.

If partners work together, they can create a more balanced relationship. They can write down goals, practice new behaviors, and hold each other accountable. With time and effort, a couple can change the future of their relationship.

Kathy Hardie-Williams goes into more detail about how partners can improve their communication:

Partners can work on being ‘differentiated,’ which means they maintain their sense of self while staying emotionally connected. They can … empathize with each other without absorbing each other’s feelings. [Each party] must ask for … what they need and want from the other … [They must] learn not to take things personally.

Despite sincere efforts to improve the relationship, some partners may be unable to assist themselves. Lori Hollander says, “Sometimes couples are so entrenched in this dynamic they can’t change it on their own.” If self-help techniques prove to be unsuccessful, partners in codependent relationships may seek assistance from a therapist.

Qualified therapists can help a couple recognize the damage codependency has on their relationship. Therapy can provide a neutral space for a couple to discuss their needs and set boundaries. Therapists can also work with partners individually to overcome their emotional challenges.

“When I work with couples, I spend 1 to 2 sessions with each individual,” reveals Deanna Richards, “which allows each partner to speak freely and to form a connection with me. When the couple is brought back together, setting a few guidelines with the help of the couple beforehand can help create … a safe space for the couple to speak, listen, and learn to respond with empathy.”

But therapists aren’t simply mediators. They also educate codependent couples on the underlying causes of their condition. Kathy Hardie-Williams explains:

When partners are codependent, therapists can be fairly sure that they came from family systems where codependency was present. Therefore, it is useful for therapists to help the partners explore their families of origin … The dynamics in family systems are passed down from generation to generation. Therapists can [help parents] avoid passing down codependency patterns to their children.

Whether a couple goes to therapy or not, there is one step that is essential to fixing a codependent relationship. According to Deanna Richards, that step is, “for people to acknowledge that something about the partnership doesn’t feel good or right. Only by first acknowledging that something is wrong can people begin to address the issue.”

Frustrations and disappointments are all too common for those who engage in modern dating. Mutual interest and attraction alone can be difficult to find, especially as online dating becomes more of a norm. Sometimes there might not even be an opportunity to really determine whether or not there is a mutual interest.

Given the amount of frustration and pain that can result from the dating experience, it may make sense to consider what we can do to make the experience less painful all around.

Of course, it isn’t possible to control or change other people. What we can do is to save ourselves the pain of a guilty conscience while simultaneously saving others from the pain of being treated poorly.

Consider some of the following common dating behaviors—and more ethical alternatives that honor the universal golden rule: the idea of treating others with the kindness and respect we wish to be treated with.

Ghosting

One common experience in the dating arena is blowing someone off, or “ghosting,” as it is sometimes called. It’s true that the experience of looking at numerous dating profiles and talking to potential dates can be overwhelming, and responding to every interested suitor is often not feasible. [fat_widget_right]

Choosing not to respond to a communication from someone you are not interested is not unethical behavior, but if you have engaged in some sort of substantive communication with someone, perhaps even met them for a date, ghosting that person after they have invested time and emotional energy into getting to know you can amount to treating that person poorly. (This does not include instances where a person harassed or threatened you, disrespected your boundaries, or made you feel otherwise unsafe.)

Ghosting behavior can communicate the message, “Your feelings mean nothing to me.” If you find you are not interested in continuing the process of getting to know someone after there has been substantial conversation or an initial date, a better way to handle the situation might be sending a simple message letting them know you have lost interest. You might also choose to include a brief and tactful explanation as to why, if appropriate.

For example, if after a first date you realize you aren’t interested, you might send a message saying, “Thank you for taking the time to meet me. I am sorry to tell you I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry. I wish you luck!” This message will take little time and gives you the satisfaction of knowing you’re not leaving a loose end. Further, you are saving the other person from the potential emotional pain of being in the dark about where you stand or why you lost interest.

Benching

Another dating practice that can potentially cause pain, sometimes referred to as “benching,” involves sending mixed messages that can effectively lead a person on by not letting them know where you really stand or your true goals with regard to dating.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity. Toying with a person’s feelings and sending mixed messages can simply be different versions of the same behavior: In short, you are not being clear and honest about your true intentions.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity.

As an alternative, why not simply be honest? If you aren’t ready for or interested in anything more than a casual relationship (for example, you would like to have sex with the other person), tell them so and let them make an informed choice about the matter. They could very well feel the same way, and a mutually beneficial “friends with benefits” type of relationship could ensue. It could also be that a purely sexual relationship, or “fling,” is the last thing the other person wants. By being honest about your intentions, you avoid burdening your own conscience, but more importantly, you can avoid inflicting others with undue pain by giving them all the information and letting them make their own choice.

Exploitation

Another unethical behavior may be more difficult to spot or even recognize in yourself. What I’m referring to is the exploitation of another person’s interest.

Consider, for example, this situation: You have been honest with a person you have been seeing about your lukewarm interest, expressed the absence of romantic feelings on your part, and conveyed that your interest is perhaps only in a physical, non-exclusive relationship. The other person has agreed to these terms.

On the surface, this scenario might seem just fine. After all, you were honest about your feelings, and the other person agreed to the level of involvement. And it might, in fact, be fine. But it can become unethical if, say, the other person is harboring secret hopes that you’ll “come around” to the idea of a relationship and/or that their feelings for you will eventually “catch” and be reciprocated, and you realize this but let things continue as they have been.

If it becomes clear the other person has feelings for you and may be going along with your proposition and the level of involvement you have expressed being interested in, hoping you might change your mind and want an actual relationship, the best thing to do may be to end the involvement. Continuing it could not only lead to an exploitation of the other’s unwillingness to end something that isn’t quite what they are looking for, but also consider that by being less than honest about what they truly want and/or their relationship needs, the other person is not respecting your needs.

At this point, the best action may be to simply let the other person know something just doesn’t feel right and end the relationship.

In Summary

Some may find it easy to attribute certain dating practices to individuals on basis of gender, but generally speaking, I do not believe any gender in particular is more or less at fault when it comes to to dating behaviors that may be inconsiderate or unkind. We can all work to treat other people with greater kindness and respect. The dating experience tends to contain enough pain and frustration on its own without the additional layer of pain we can add by treating others carelessly, whatever our intentions. Those who are dating may find it helpful to keep the golden rule in mind. Consider how you would feel if someone ghosted you.

If you find you sometimes engage in behaviors you are not proud of, behaviors that don’t line up with your values, you can work to address these by finding a skilled psychotherapist who can empathize with you for the ways you may have been treated poorly while also helping you understand and resolve the underlying drivers of your own behaviors.

References:

1. Hogi, F. (2016, August 15). Ghosting, benching, and zombieing – A modern dater’s guide. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/francesca-hogi/ghosting-benching-and-zom_b_11458718.html
2. McNamara, B. (2016, June 9). “Benching” is the cruel new dating trend that’s even worse than ghosting. Teen Vogue. Retrieved from https://www.teenvogue.com/story/benching-dating-trend-ghosting
3. Young, S. (2016, December 20). Ghosting, benching, and DTR: What these 13 popular dating terms really mean. Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-relationship-terms-terms-what-they-mean-game-ghosting-benching-dtr-fbo-thirst-trap-a7486511.html

Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships. No two people see everything the same way, have carbon copy preferences, share identical temperaments, care equally about things, express their wants and needs in the same ways, or handle their fears and disappointments alike.

Add to these differences the fact that each individual in the relationship wants to be important and feel special, and it becomes clearer why clashes are likely to occur in even the best relationships.

The following fictional scene can help illustrate how conflict develops and plays out in a relationship:

“I thought you said you were just going to Ralph’s to buy a chicken for dinner,” Jason said. “You’ve been gone for two hours.”

The game blared in the background, and the dishes were still stacked in the sink. The kids were in the other room arguing over something. The colorful grocery bags sat on the kitchen counter where she’d plopped them.

“Oh, please,” Beth said. “I’m 15 minutes late. You could help out instead of being a couch potato.”

Jason rifled through the bags. “I don’t see my ice cream. You knew it would melt…wherever, whoever, you stopped on the way home to see,” he snarked.

Beth braced herself. This was always how the fights began. The kids were hungry and getting louder. She’d asked him not to do this with them around. Her heart pounded in her ears. Her mouth was dry. Dinner would be late, and he’d eat in front of the TV again.

“I had to go to the bank and pick up the dry cleaning.” She turned her back to him and pulled produce out of the bags. “Stop being so insecure!”

“I wouldn’t be if you didn’t give me good reason,” Jason said. 

Kyle ran into the kitchen wiping his tears on a dirty T-shirt. “She took my turn!” he wailed, then threw himself on the floor sobbing.

“I can’t even leave them with you for an hour.” Beth shook her head and sat down on the tile floor next to their son.

Jason rolled his eyes. “This is hopeless,” he said. “You don’t even care.”

Tips to Minimize Relationship Conflict

Though conflict is inevitable, it does not have to be insurmountable. Here are 10 simple tricks to help minimize conflict in your relationship.

1. Keep your responses short. Long replies can sound confrontational, and they invite long retorts. “I can see you’re upset,” is a better response than a long dissertation intended to calm your partner down and may be a better starting place for you both to develop a different perspective.
2. Remember boundaries are something you set for yourself. “Setting boundaries” for your partner is manipulative and an indirect attempt at control. It’s okay to say what you can be counted on to do, or not to do, under specific circumstances, but don’t try to control your partner. You might say, for example, “If I’m worried about you, you can count on me to text you and ask if you’re okay.”
3. Realize any accusation is a little bit true. This is a hard one, but keeping this in mind can be an effective tool. Realizing accusations typically have some truth to them is one of the best ways to avoid becoming defensive and continuing an argument. “Yes, I do leave my clothes on the floor once in a while,” will deescalate a fight faster than “That’s not true! I never leave anything on the floor!”
4. Ask for what you do want, not for what you don’t. It’s impossible to get the absence of something. It’s much easier for your partner to give you something you do want. “I’d really like to talk about this when we take our walk,” is better and more specific than “I don’t want to talk about this in front of the kids.”
5. Stay on topic. Sometimes it may be hard to figure out what the topic really is, but do the best you can. If you stick with your primary complaint and don’t stray into unrelated issues, your chances of resolution are much better. Redirecting the conversation back to the original topic can take practice. Remember to do it with kindness, not agitation. “I think you were upset about me not sending back that RSVP card. Let’s figure out a solution for that now, and we can discuss my anxiety about being with your family later.”
6. Develop a vocabulary for feelings. A story with a lot of facts is not a great way to get your partner to understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes the people who have the most words in an argument have the most impoverished vocabularies for their emotions. “I feel like you’re not listening,” is not a feeling statement. It’s an accusation. “I feel bad” is not a very clear description of your internal state. Print out a list of feelings from the internet and refer to it often. Build a vocabulary of emotions. Sad, lonely, frustrated, annoyed, ambivalent, agitated, relieved, disregarded, embarrassed, scared, worried, etc. are good words to convey emotions.
7. Switch perspectives. Putting words to what your partner doesn’t think you understand can be a very powerful way to express compassion and lower the chances of conflict. Rather than explaining your side over and over, instead try saying something like, “It seems like you don’t think I understand how overwhelmed you feel. It seems like you don’t think I understand how frustrated you are with me. It seems like you don’t believe I understand how hard you’ve been trying.” (Don’t say, “I understand how hard you’ve been trying, but…” That’s talking about yourself. Saying what you understand, followed by “but” effectively disqualifies any compassion you might have shown.)
8. Avoid speaking with contempt. This is one of the most damaging forms of communication in a relationship. Dr. John Gottman’s research points out contempt is one of the best predictors of divorce. Don’t resort to character assassination (i.e., “You’re just a loser,” “You’re just like your mother,” “You’re an embarrassment.”)
9. Writing is as good as talking. Not everyone is able to articulate clearly in a fast-paced discussion. Some people need time to think and gather their thoughts. Texting, e-mailing, messaging, or writing notes are valid ways of continuing a difficult conversation. If you need to pause an argument, let your partner know when you will get back to them. “I can’t continue this right now. I promise I will text you my thoughts after dinner.”
10. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. If you mess up, forgive yourself. Remember that every day you’re doing the best you can figure out how to do. Keep your internal dialogue kind and positive. We can’t give away anything we don’t already have. You won’t be able to say nice, respectful things to your partner if you’re not first saying them to yourself.

Beth sat in the bathroom. The quiet helped her put words to her thoughts. The locked door gave her a sense of seclusion. She revised the text one more time.

“It seems like you don’t think I understand how frustrated you are when I’m a little late. I sometimes feel scared, too, when we’re not as close as I’d like, and I know the kids can be exhausting. We’ll get through this stressful time. It’s not forever. I’d like it if you’d call or text when you’re worried about me. I promise I’ll respond right away. Please let me know if there’s anything else you don’t think I understand about how you’re feeling. I love you!”

She pressed “send.”

References: 

1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2004). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
2. Feelings inventory. (2005). Center for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved from https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf

This article walks the reader through an imaginary sexual interaction between a couple working to overcome various challenges in order to connect. Throughout the story, the author will interject to highlight what worked and describe the research-based skills that made it possible. This article focuses on the woman’s experience. Next month, the author will present the same interaction from the perspective of the man. Though this article focuses on a heterosexual couple, the scenario could easily take place between individuals of any gender.

The relationship between the two partners described here represents a composite of cases from the author’s work as a sex therapist. A year ago they were distant, hurt, and defensive, and they have both worked hard in therapy to get to this point—a much better place.

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Sandra gets home from work at 6 p.m., tired from a long day. Before she can even think about relaxing, she needs to prepare dinner, do chores, and make sure the kids are ready for school the next day. Devon, Sandra’s partner, gets home shortly after Sandra and helps her finish cooking. By the time they have addressed chores and childcare, it’s already 9:30 p.m.

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

The dual control model of sexual response, developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s, organizes sexual response into two parts: the Sexual Excitation System (SES), the sexual “accelerator,” and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), the sexual “brake.” Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

Devon and Sandra have spent time learning about their own and each other’s SES and SIS. Things that typically trigger Sandra’s SIS, or brake, include worry about the children, stress about her to-do list, physical fatigue, and, at a deeper level, fears of inadequacy as a partner. Sandra’s brake is moderately sensitive, meaning that these factors inhibit her desire and arousal, but not so much that they feel insurmountable. On the other hand, Sandra’s SES, or accelerator, has a low sensitivity. This means her sexual response takes a while to warm up. Things that engage Sandra’s accelerator include Devon helping with chores, feeling desired, planning sex ahead of time, noticing Devon’s positive traits, and experiencing a slow build of physical stimulation.

“You work so hard,” Devon says, wrapping his arms around Sandra, “I want to help you relax and feel good tonight.” Sandra remembers they talked this morning about having sex tonight, but sex is the last thing on her mind right now. She feels a rush of inadequacy and anxiety about not being a more responsive partner, but she also feels annoyance at the expectation for her to be sexual after a long day. Sandra stops herself in these self-critical thoughts, takes a deep breath, and remembers that although her SIS is blocking any sexual desire she might feel otherwise, this is perfectly normal, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

She collects her thoughts to respond: “Honey, that sounds wonderful. I want to connect with you too. I just need some time to switch gears from work and “mommy mode” into “sexy mode.” Devon nods and smiles; he knows this. Sandra continues with a specific request, “Could we spend some time cuddling and talking about us for a bit first?” Devon agrees and offers to massage Sandra while they talk. As Sandra’s stress dissipates, she notices her body feeling more relaxed and aroused.

Sandra did three things here: she stopped her judgmental thoughts, recognized what she needed to release her brake and begin to engage her accelerator, and communicated what she needed in a way her partner could receive and understand. Devon knows Sandra’s SES and SIS well, and the couple has practiced communicating about this, and these factors both help matters significantly.

As Sandra begins to kiss Devon and touch his body, her desire builds. Over the past year, she has become more confident taking the initiative in their sexual interactions, which also helps signal to Devon when she is feeling ready. He reciprocates, and they slowly build the foreplay into full-body stroking, fondling, and teasing of each other’s erogenous zones. This feels wonderful, and yet Sandra notices part of her mind is preoccupied. She knows it will take at least another thirty minutes of focused stimulation in order for her to build to a large climax. Sandra has heard that some women come easily, but she has never been one of them. She used to feel ashamed of this, wondering what was wrong with her. Now, she actively practices embracing her body just as it is. Her accelerator is more like a slow-cooker than a flash-fryer—she takes longer, but the process of getting there can be quite enjoyable.

Sandra has learned certain things help turn up the heat more quickly, such as using a vibrator on her clitoris before and during intercourse or having an extended period of foreplay. Tonight, however, Sandra decides she wants to enjoy the slow simmer rather than push her body for a climax. She’ll save that for their Saturday date night when they both have more time and energy. Wanting to communicate this to Devon in a way that doesn’t feel like rejection, Sandra remembers she has options to describe pleasure. “Honey, I’m so into you and love being close like this. Tonight, my body is taking time to warm up, and I know it would take a while for me to come. So I want to fully relish riding the slow, rolling waves of pleasure I’m feeling, without having to push for something more.”

Devon replies, “You know I don’t mind spending time on your pleasure. We’ll take however long you need.” Sandra continues. “Thank you, honey. This right here is exactly what I want. The way you stroke me and hold me feels amazing and has me wanting more of you. I’d like to have intercourse for a little while until we both feel satisfied, then get to sleep before it gets too late.” Devon has done enough of his own work in therapy to be able to both trust Sandra will ask for what she wants and accept it’s okay if she doesn’t orgasm. They have intercourse until both feel satisfied and hold each other afterwards, expressing their appreciation for the shared pleasure and intimacy.

Techniques to Improve Communication

Sandra used several techniques here. First, she gave herself permission to let go of orgasm as a measure of success. Once she did so, she was able to identify what she actually wanted in that specific moment. She then communicated her desires clearly using flexible language to describe her pleasure and genuine affirmations for her partner. When Sandra and Devon began therapy, they, like many couples, were not accustomed to verbalizing positive feedback or asking specifically for what they want sexually, and it seemed awkward and unnatural to them at first. However, practicing this regularly has had immeasurable benefits for their sex life and relationship. Sandra and Devon succeeded because they learned what activates their SES and SIS, or sexual response accelerators and brakes, and implemented changes accordingly. Moreover, they learned how to communicate with each other about their sexual needs and desires in a way that builds intimacy.

If the struggles Devon and Sandra have experienced sound familiar, or if you would like to learn more about sexual response accelerators and brakes and the impact they may have on your relationship, a qualified couples counselor can help you explore these topics with your partner.

References:

1. Kurpisz, J., Mak, M., Lew-Starowicz, M., Nowosielski, K., & Samochowiec, J. (2015). The dual control model of sexual response by J. Bancroft and E. Janssen: Theoretical basis, research and practical issues. Advances in Psychiatry and Neurology, 24(3). p. 156-164. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pin.2015.08.001.
2. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.