Blogging on Good Therapy

By John Petersen, Psy.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

As a family psychologist, I’ve found a common concern parents have about their children, even more common than the ubiquitous Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), is “disrespect.” From talking back to “having an attitude” to refusing to listen, disrespect is often at the top of the problem list parents bring to my office. I typically search for ways to move “disrespect” down the list some.

It’s difficult to suggest putting the topic off until later, because respect is important, very important. But we parents too often fall into demanding respect and forcing children to comply. With threats, punishment, shaming, bribes, and rewards, we use our power in various forms to get kids to respect authority and the powers that be. Our success has been our downfall. We’ve unwittingly taught kids to respect the power and control of authority, losing sight of the more important goal of respecting relationships and respecting each other as individuals. (more…)

By Arthur Becker Weidman, Ph.D

Click here to contact Art and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Parents must find a way to enjoy time with their child before they can end defiant behavior. Four year old Sarah throws temper tantrums, won’t go to bed, refuses to take a bath, and is described by her parents as “hell on wheels.” Peter, age seven, won’t take his dishes into the, kitchen or perform other simple household chores. Thirteen year old David stays up past his bed time, argues with, his parents about everything, and has begun skipping school. His parents just don’t know what to do. Do any of these children sound familiar? If so, you may know an oppositional and defiant child. Children who have spent years waiting for a family, whether in foster care in this country or in an orphanage abroad, sometimes learn negative behavior to survive. Acting out, they find, is a way to attract attention in an institution or foster home. They may then carry this behavior with them to a new home.
(more…)

by Mitchell Milch, LCSW

Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Among other things, a good marriage is a salve against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. It is also a shelter from the storm of Murphy’s Law and, a safe haven of mutual support and security where we insulate ourselves from the impersonal and frightening unknowns of life as we chart our courses toward the future. Marriage is the quintessential security blanket in that it makes real the illusion that we are important and special and thus, will be cared for until death do us part. So, we venture out into a world of exciting and frightening tomorrows armed with a protective mantra, “No matter what happens everything will be alright.”

In my private practice I have observed how marital crises that eventuate in separation and divorce rip these security blankets to pieces. In best cases, the loss of a spouse may for several years leave us at least, on occasion to re-experience ourselves as young children separated from our mothers minus our security blankets. Thus we can feel ill equipped to care for ourselves let alone to take on added responsibilities as a single parent. (more…)

by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The conversation began easily enough, “My brother is bleeding our parents into the poor house with his unending demands for money - money to support his addictions – and they don’t seem able to stop giving it to him, even though he isn’t getting any better. What can we do?”

Or we hear from the parents themselves, “How can I get my spouse to stop giving our adult daughter money she just spends on booze or drugs? Her promises are worthless and the demands endless.”

It’s not an uncommon condition. Parents are living longer, some adult children make childishness a career, and it isn’t easy to say no to a son or daughter, regardless of their age. Then add in the grandchildren, hostages held for ransom as your child essentially blackmails you into supporting their drug and/or alcohol abuse: “Give me the money or I will kill myself,” or “they will starve,” or “we’ll be on the streets,” is the implied or actual threat, yet the money does no good. (more…)

written by Shari McEnery, LMHC

Click here to contact Shari and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

We spend a great deal of time as new parents making sure that we are up to date on the latest medical wonders and vaccines. We make sure that our little ones are at every physical, ensuring that they are reaching their milestones every step of the way. If our child is sick, we don’t hesitate to call the doctor. There are medicines to help soothe the ache or pain, to help cure it or to even prevent it. Chances are your cabinet has at least two of the three in it right now. However, many parents don’t have any information at all about what to do with their child’s emotional health needs. (more…)

Written by Sally E. James, LPC, NCC

• Share important information with the therapist after your child’s session.  Only share information with the therapist before the session if it will directly affect your child’s therapy for that day.  Also, telling your child to “be sure to tell your therapist” about an issue puts pressure on the child and may seem like punishment.

• Children are allowed more freedom in therapy than they are at home.  This is okay.  There is no such thing as “bad” behavior in therapy.  Children quickly learn that there are different rules in different places.

• Remember: sometimes the child’s behavior gets worse before it gets better.  This is normal in therapy and is a sign of progress.

• Therapy is successful mainly because the child learns to trust the therapist never to reveal what is said and done in therapy.  However, the child knows that the therapist will meet with the caregiver to discuss progress and general issues.  Confidence is necessary to give the child freedom of self-expression which is essential for therapy to be effective.

• A therapist’s goal is not to find out what happened to your child.  It is to facilitate the child’s healing, resolution of trauma, and help them learn to express their feelings.

• Children work very hard in therapy.  Please try to avoid asking your child questions about the session unless they volunteer information.  Things NOT to say…”Did you have fun?”  “Did you like it?”  Things you CAN say… “I bet you are tired.  You have been working hard for an hour.”

©Copyright 2007 Sally E. James, LPC, NCC  All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

Written by Sandra M. Wolf, M.A., LMFT

Abstract: Are the discipline techniques you are trying to use with your children not working?  One common technique used by many parents is time-out.  However, time-out is often unintentionally implemented incorrectly by many parents.  Find out how!

I have often gotten clients coming into my office exasperated because the techniques they’ve been trying to employ to discipline their children are “not working”.  To take one example, time-outs have become quite popular and common-place in our arsenal to rein in our unruly children.  However, what I have found is that many parents non-intentionally implement this technique incorrectly.  Most parents seem to know the “rule” of putting their child in a time-out approximately 1 minute per year of life, thus, a 3 year old would warrant about a 3 minute time-out, and so on.  What many parents are missing in the implementation is the “spirit”, if you will, of how an effective time out should be put into place.  (more…)

Written by Mitchell Milch, LCSW

Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Let’s face it, we all want to avoid making the same mistakes raising our kids we believe our parents or surrogate parents made raising us. This is especially the case when we still hold grudges toward parents for what has or has not become of us. Under this historical cloud, we know yet may not admit to the old adage: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” What this adage speaks to is the IMPOSSIBILITY of NEVER being like the parents we recall as having “screwed us up.” As much as we swear that we will never treat our kids the way we were treated, the moments inevitably arise when we sound and act like our parents. This is human nature. We will on occasion, identify and repeat the most noxious and self defeating parenting practices employed by our parents. (more…)

Written by Kent Toussaint, MA, LMFT

Click here to contact Kent and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

One day, you go into your son’s room and to your surprise, you find that missing can of whipped cream under his bed.  You think to yourself, “That’s odd.”

Out of your daughter’s backpack falls the can of paint thinner you used three years ago when you remodeled the kitchen and has since been sitting out in the garage among the other discarded tools and supplies.  You then ponder, “Is she in art class this semester?”

If something like this has happened to you, your kid may very well be abusing inhalants.  If he is, he’s in danger of not only destroying his mind and body but he could also die.

What are inhalants?

(more…)

Written by Nancy Poitou, M.A., M.F.T., C.T.S.

Self Esteem is a word often used in connection with good mental health, but rarely is it explained how we get poor self esteem and how we cultivate good self esteem. Good self esteem means to hold oneself in high esteem, feeling worthy of a good life and good treatment by others. Good self esteem helps protect children from the traps they are exposed to growing up in our modern society. (more…)

Written by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD

As summer draws to a close you may be relieved to have all your children’s school supplies and clothes ready, but have you done all you can to prepare them for everything they face at school?

Now, on the heels of the Catholic Priest sexual abuse scandal comes another of historic proportions—one that has the potential to be much greater and far-reaching. According to a draft report commissioned by the U.S. Department of Education, in compliance with the 2002 “No Child Left Behind” act signed into law by President Bush, between 6 and 10 percent of public school children across the country have been sexually abused or harassed by school employees and teachers. (more…)