Learned Helplessness – You’re Not Really Trapped!
January 19th, 2010
By Joyce A. Thompson, MS, LMFT, Abuse / Survivors of Abuse Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Do you find yourself feeling stuck in bad situations, and feel as if there’s no way out? Do you tend to give up before you even try in order to avoid the pain of self-perceived, inevitable failure? Do you tend to ‘blow off’ your successes, assuming that it was an accident that things went so well? If so you might have a well-known psychological condition known as learned helplessness. It causes emotional and/or physical pain every day for millions. The good news is that you are not stuck – help is available!
Learned helplessness oftentimes begins in childhood for those who suffered neglect and/or abuse, or who witnessed a parent showing signs of this condition. Perhaps as an infant, their cries for their mother were met with silence. Eventually they learned that there was no reason to cry, since their mother would not be coming to their aid. Maybe this child sought help from a parent to keep them away from an abuser, but the mother did nothing to help. In families with learned helplessness it’s not unusual for these mothers to respond either with silence, or to say there are no other options available and they just have to ‘live with it’. The mother allows the abuse to continue because she feels there’s no place to go, no money to support her children and herself. So she settles and the child is taught to do the same. When a child works hard in school, bringing home good grades yet continuing to receive nothing in the way of praise from their parents, they often give up in their efforts – realizing that it is a futile effort if they expect to gain love, praise, and attention from their parents. (Although if a good teacher is involved, sometimes this can help to keep the child motivated to keep trying and accomplishing their best).
When children do things to receive love and other signs of positive feedback from their parents and their needs are unmet, they often give up due to learned helplessness. Abusive parents sometimes punish their children for not doing well enough or for not doing enough. In reality, it’s not really about the child, but is instead about the parents’ own unresolved issues. Sometimes it is the parent who messes up, but blames it on the child. Either way, this teaches the child that no matter how hard they try, they can never do well enough. They sometimes give up, again due to this sense of learned helplessness about their situation in life. Persons who struggle with learned helplessness tend to blame themselves for everything. As a result, they struggle with low self esteem and depression. When a parent tells their child (literally or through unspoken words) that their life is as good as it’s going to get – that they cannot and should not expect their life to improve, the pattern then continues on to yet another generation. This is why we sometimes see families who become more and more unhealthy, generation after generation. They give up; assuming any efforts put forth on their part will be futile.
As this child becomes an adult, they tend to continue using this psychological approach in their adult efforts, with fear being the driving force behind these attempted efforts. These adults may fear that success is impossible, so they give up before they get started or they stop before they succeed. They may be fearful that others will judge them or worse yet, they may judge themselves harshly for not being ‘good enough’; this condition is called perfectionism. Adults in this situation either give up on attempting important milestones in their adult lives, or they give up before they can complete these milestones. These include dating, receiving higher education, choosing a mate, choosing a career, being a parent, etc. In most cases, these individuals end up settling, as they feel they will never achieve better, no matter how much they try or how hard they work. They feel they have no control over their situations and surroundings in life. Research has shown that learned helplessness inhibits ones emotional growth and development and can oftentimes leave a person struggling with feelings of depression, anxiety, and guilt. These individuals feel that they should be achieving more and feel stupid, lazy, worthless, and non-deserving of accomplishing more. In addition, any ‘failed’ attempts serve as reminders to the person that they really are stupid, lazy, worthless, and non-deserving of accomplishing more in life. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading many to finally give up altogether since the pain of not succeeding (in these individuals’ eyes) is just too painful to face.
If you find yourself feeling like a failure much of the time, suffering depression, anxiety, and guilt because you feel that you are avoiding risks and personal growth – that you are spinning your wheels, then you should consider speaking with a licensed therapist. Sometimes the hardest part is just realizing that this is an issue for you. You really can overcome this way of experiencing life; the past does not have to dictate your present or future. Children have no power or control in their lives, but adults do, even when they don’t yet realize it! With the help of a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist, you can explore where these feelings of learned helplessness originated from, you can overcome this unhealthy way of thinking – replacing the old beliefs with new and healthy beliefs, and you can finally learn to have understanding and compassion for yourself.
© Copyright 2010. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry
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Comments
What an inspiring read! Thank you for sharing that, Joyce.
Such individuals need to be told and shown that they are capable of getting a good result and can believe in their own abilities to achieve things. Its not that they will always meet with failure, and that whenever there is a failure, they should try ahrder again an not just give up.
Positive thinking can make a person capable of doing something even if he was initially incapable of doing it. Similarly, if a person is pessimistic, he will not be able to do things even if he has the potential to do it… this just goes out to show how important the mind is…
If you are guilty of learned helplessness, do you tend to choose a partner that is too?
Thanks to each of you who have taken the time to comment on my article. I’m happy to hear that the article has provided inspiration to you Francis! That was my intention. I had a very difficult childhood myself and for years I suffered with learned helplessness…But once I found the ‘right’ therapist who ‘got it’, I was able to resolve those old issues and go on to accomplish much! I have wanted to be a therapist since childhood, and I have now fulfilled my dream so that I can go on to help others who feel there is no hope for them. I cring at the thought of saying someone is “guilty” of learned helplessness, since they didn’t ask to be so short-changed in their life as a child (or in an abusive adult relationship) and since it’s a condition which causes so much emotional suffering. But Brandii, I do understand what you are asking. It is true that people tend to choose a partner near their own level of emotional functioning. Threfore, those who suffer from low self esteem, a lack of confidence, and learned helplessness do tend to pair up with someone who struggles with the same issues.
This is so sad to me that there are kids who have to learn from a very early age that they either have to fend for themselves or els eno one else is going to do it for them. No wonder there are so many screwed up people in this world! I would bend over backwards to help my own children and often wonder why there are other parents out there who do not feel the same. It makes me feel even sadder to know that they have to carry this sort of experience around with them for the rest of their lives because so often the things we learn and become in our childhood dictates and controls so much of our adult lives. I hope that reading this will encourage those who feel that this was the way that they were raised to seek help from a professional, someone who can help them unravel this kind of mess and make them feel happy like they too deserve to be.
I know a middle aged woman that blames her deceased parents for the state of her adult life today. I wouldn’t mind if she didn’t refuse to do anything to change her thinking on or release that pain. There’s always an excuse to not do anything I or her family feel could help her. This will sound selfish but it gets tiring listening to the “poor me” stuff. She doesn’t see her own refusal to change her life is the problem and not the suggestions.
Why tell yourself you’re not good enough when you can tell yourself you are? :)
Hi Joyce, thanks very much for replying to my question. I’m so sorry I asked it in such a tactless fashion. Guilty wasn’t the best word I could have used. I’m relieved that you knew what I meant despite that. Thank you again.
I believe anything you can learn you can unlearn. Having your heart in experiencing true change is what makes the difference. Some get so comfortable in their misery they don’t want to relinquish it so choose the known over the unknown.
I know that nobody wants to hear this but not everybody can be successful. We need people at McDonalds and waitress’s at bars. We need underachievers as much as we need overachievers…I think that a shift in social attitude of not looking down on those jobs and people would be much better benefit to society as a whole.
I disagree with you Ken. Firstly, you should think of the structure of society as malleable rather than as being in a fixed state, and secondly, my best friend is a part time waitress and is using the income to fund her education to become a psychologist. Not everybody in a low paid job is a chronic under achiever. And nobody is looking down at anyone here, as the point of the article was to educate and support those who experience learned helplessness.
I received an email from a reader, expressing her anger with me for writing this article. She felt I had written the article from a “naive speculation of the subject”. Actually, I wrote the article based upon my own personal history as a trauma survivor, upon the history of many of my peers (both past and present), from many peers in the past who have been with me in support groups for childhood abuse issues, and from my own client base (since I do extensive work with trauma survivors). The person who contacted me was a psychology student who felt that I had attempted to make the subject of ‘learned helplessness’ worse than what it really is. From my personal experiences with this topic, I feel that the subject can truly be crippling for many. My intent was to offer hope to the readers. I believe that most anyone can heal from this learned behavior and can overcome much. I am wise enough to know that learned helplessness can come from a variety of experiences. But in my own experiences, I oftentimes see it coming from childhood issues. I just wanted to clarify this matter and I invite readers to send me an email if they have further questions or concerns.
Angry writer here,
my email to you was in concern, due to the fact of if everyone was treated with therapy upon speculation alone, whether it be naive speculation, or speculation from someone who has been through this themselves, imposing your own thoughts on a topic without sound experimental evidence can be risky. If all therapists did this there would be a world within which it’s impossible to get the same level of treatment anywhere, as everyone won’t be on the same page.
After all Seligman Freud would have put any psychological problem of learned helplessness in a woman down to penis envy. Did he have proof? No and his thoughts were also down to speculation and his experiences of his patients.
The view of you’re parents are the main cause for learned helplessness, seems to be an extremely narrow view on the subject, with it often coming from schooling, work, families or anything! The article just seemed to be from the point of view that the soul point of view that it is the parents fault, although i’m glad its recognized this isn’t the case.
Thank you so much for this article. It really inspired some hope in me, and I related to some of your examples. Thanks again.
Do you have any advice for a parent with an only (adult) son who fits the profile of learned helplessness? He still lives with his dad and seems to be carrying on a learned-helplessness tradition, according to what I’ve just read. He has two degrees, has never had a job, and has said he can’t seem to do what he needs to do to move on with his life. I had never heard of learned helpless until seeing a reference in the newspaper this morning – fascinating! Thanks.
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