Don’t Touch Me: Understanding Your Sexual Aversion

Young couple sitting on the bed separatelyDoes the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? Do you tend to avoid or limit sexual activity? Do you find sexual touch or even romantic touch, such as hugging or kissing your partner, unappealing or even repulsive?

If this sounds like you or your partner, it may be a case of sexual aversion. Sexual aversion is your body’s heightened response to sexual anxiety. First, it’s helpful understand why you might be experiencing it. Then, you can explore how to begin resolving it.

Where Does My Sexual Aversion Come From?

Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced sexual trauma or another type of trauma. They may have had one or more experiences where sexual contact was forced. Especially in formative years, such as childhood and adolescence, the brain is creating pathways to understand sexuality. If a sexual trauma occurs during these years, the brain may link sexual arousal or sexual touch with threat, danger, anxiety, or pain.

However, some individuals I work with who experience sexual aversion cannot pinpoint any trauma. For these people, the issue is even more confusing because they do not understand why they feel so anxious. Usually, when such individuals look into their past (especially childhood and adolescence, when sexual connections are beginning to formulate), they find small messages of guilt, shame, or blame associated with sexual arousal or touch. Perhaps small comments from parents or school institutions created an atmosphere of body shame or shame about sexual arousal.

How Sexual Aversion Can Influence Your Thoughts and Emotions

Sexual aversion may be experienced even if you have a great relationship and find your partner attractive. Some common thoughts and emotions associated with sexual aversion may include:

  • You feel out of control.
    Control is an essential component of aversion. Remember, aversion is an extreme form of anxiety. It is your body’s way of saying, “I do not want that. I do not like that. Stay away.” It protects your body from harm. When you feel that someone wants sex, expects sex, or even has the “right” to sex because you are married, you are feeling out of control.
  • You do not feel relaxed in sexual encounters.
    Your body is almost in a state of “beyond anxiety” where you don’t necessarily feel nervous, but you feel repelled. Pay attention to your body. Do you feel nauseous or have stomach issues when you think about sex? Do you feel fluttery or nervous? Do you feel nothing at all and just sort of frozen?
  • You do not feel aroused, yet you engage in sex anyway.
    Engaging in sexual activity when you are not aroused is harmful for your emotional well-being. If you are not aroused, your body is not connected with your mind during the act. You might do this because you feel guilty that you are never in the mood to be with your partner. However, it could be causing long-term damage.

5 Steps to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

It’s important to understand that sexual aversion is common, especially among women. You are not alone. To work on your sexual anxiety, follow these steps:

  1. Assert your control over the situation by setting boundaries and ground rules.
  2. Agree to limited sexual contact. If you experience sexual aversion, engage only in a type of sexual contact (hugging, holding hands, etc.) that you feel comfortable with. As you get more comfortable, increase the activities slowly over time. Take it week by week or month by month—whatever you’re comfortable with.
  3. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques prior to and during a sexual encounter.
  4. Stop engaging in intercourse until the aversion has subsided.
  5. Consider finding a sex therapist, as this does not typically go away by continuing to engage in sex.

Understanding why you feel averse to sexual touch even if you love your partner is the first step in lowering your sexual anxiety. Work through the tips above to be more connected with your body and feel more comfortable when sexual contact occurs.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C, CST, therapist in Silver Spring, Maryland

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Katy

    September 4th, 2015 at 7:50 AM

    Would you say that most people who experience this have encountered some form of sexual trauma in their lives?

  • Gabe

    May 8th, 2017 at 3:54 AM

    Seems to be written and from and for a perspective of women. I can tell you from experience, guys can end up here too. Fake it till you make it is bad advice I was given (my now wife was pregnant and we had to get married by our families). Now I shutter at the thought of faking it and go out of my way to avoid contact at all.

  • Rivka

    Rivka

    September 4th, 2015 at 9:40 AM

    Hi Katy- not necessarily. Many cannot pinpoint any trauma.

  • Katy

    September 4th, 2015 at 11:31 AM

    Truly surprising. There would have to be something there that is underlying that may cause them to not be interested in having sex. Hormones maybe? Or maybe some sort of repressed feelings from before that are not yet able to acknowledge?

  • AwomanontheNet

    September 4th, 2015 at 6:15 PM

    Is it normal for this to come out of nowhere? I used to LOVE having sex and being sexual and touchy with my husband. Then there was a trauma with my kids (one sexually assaulted the other in another) and I went into PTS. I’ve come beyond the PTS, but my sexual desire hasn’t come back, and I feel like I’m completely detached during sex. It seems like I’m punishing my poor husband, which I don’t mean to do. I DO love him, and I miss my sex drive!

  • Vicki

    August 8th, 2016 at 4:59 PM

    I am going threw a similar situation with my husband. And i can’t seem to get it thru his head, that I still love him and want top be with him…

  • Alde

    August 11th, 2016 at 1:18 PM

    Married for 10 yrs….I moved out of our house 8 months ago. We see each other a few days during the week for a couple of hours each visit. We spend one night together at my home in the same bed. She says that she has never liked being touched or ever enjoyed sex with anyone most of her life. She says that she loves me and that she likes spending time with me. But sex, kissing and touching is not pleasant for her. And she stated that this will never change. I love my wife dearly, but I need affection which she cannot give me. I pray that my love for her will never fade…..Hopeless in Garland,TX

  • Whitney

    September 4th, 2015 at 6:21 PM

    How do you discern between asexuality as a sexual orientation and sexual aversion/anxiety as a disorder? Feeling repelled may not always be a sign of ” a state of ‘beyond anxiety”, in my opinion.

  • Cathy

    September 25th, 2016 at 9:53 PM

    I totally agree with you. I never experienced a sexual trauma, or any other traumas. I simply don’t like sex. I consider myself an Asexual person and that is not something which needs to be “fixed.”

  • dietotaku

    April 20th, 2017 at 4:37 PM

    A frequent criteria for defining a disorder is that it causes impaired function or distress. If you’re not distressed by your lack of libido or it’s not interfering with your relationships, it wouldn’t be an aversion. People with sexual aversion want to have normal healthy sexual relationships and may have in the past but are unable to now.

  • Kim

    September 4th, 2015 at 6:24 PM

    It doesn’t say they aren’t interested, but that it causes anxiety. The messages received about bodies or sex over the years could be a collective sexual trauma that happened so subtly they can’t be pinpointed.

  • Joy

    September 4th, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    If a person who has this cannot initially pinpoint an early sexual trauma, does that immediately rule out sexual trauma? Could they have dissociated those memories?
    Can a childhood of emotional and physical abuse also cause this?

  • Eugenie

    September 5th, 2015 at 4:15 AM

    I feel like this article is talking about what i am going through, since i had a baby i have no desire for any sexual activities, touching makes me cringe, it is a painful experience and so unfair for the partner then, you try so hide in your mind to relax and go though it but i wonder what does this do to your sycho, it is so unhealthy, frustrating, hurting but you do it because you love your husband so bad you don’t want to send him away

  • Sthe

    September 5th, 2015 at 4:21 AM

    I thought i was the only one going through this horrible situation, i use to love to touch, be touched and enjoyed sexual engagement with my husband but these days i feel so uncomfortable, irritable, lack of sexual desire and i don’t recall any trouma in my childwood at all, he is all i ever wanted, soft, caring and wonderful man, what is wrong with me?

  • tori

    September 5th, 2015 at 11:35 AM

    I would say that it could help so much to be with someone who is very understanding of this instead of willing to drop you just because the sexual interest at this time is not necessarily the same or compatible.

  • Canyon

    September 7th, 2015 at 10:45 AM

    Until you yourself can understand what is causing the aversion then your partner has no hope of ever understanding it. The first understanding of it has to come from you.

  • leigh

    September 7th, 2015 at 5:17 PM

    I have been this way for most of my adult life, not because anything bad happened to me or I had a bad experience, I guess I am just one of those unfortunate people for whom sex is kind of like a turn off to me. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable and I have been with men and women both who have tried to make me interested, it just never feels like it is for me. I can get close to someone but intimacy on that level is not my thing.

  • Caitlyn

    September 8th, 2015 at 10:33 AM

    There may be days when I feel like this but not month after month or year after year. I think that there is something within all humans that makes you have this need to be loved and touched and if you are not feeling that then I think that there is something that needs to be addressed. this could be your version of what is normal, and I guess that if this is how you have always been then this is your normal, but let me please tell you that there is so much to life that can be experienced with physical ouch and I hope that you will one day be able to see and feel that.

  • Red

    September 11th, 2015 at 7:23 AM

    this kind of aversion comes with a whole lot of warnings and red flags

  • Ashley

    December 1st, 2015 at 6:04 PM

    Are there any type of online support groups for those who are suffering from Sexual aversion?

  • Interwebmale

    December 10th, 2015 at 9:14 PM

    This disorder can appear from any cause. The effect varies, depending on how serious the cause, was/is/has been. Think in terms of math: sexuality + ? = sexual aversion

    This would indicate that ‘?’ Could be ANYTHING. It could be something serious, like childhood abuse, or recent trauma. It could be attributing your own children’s transgressions with sex- it could even be a subway sandwich!

    The point is, to fix the issue, the cause must be determined. If the cause is serious, seek professional help. If the cause is less serious, you will have to spend some time, on rewriting the brain’s responses and understanding of the causes and effects. This will involve MORE patience from the unhappy partner, but, keep in mind that the partner may also be the cause of the problem.

    My wife and I, have been together for 6 years, married for two- over the past few years, the sex has disappeared! I made my concerns vocal, and we both did some research. She found an article on sexual aversion, and she was excited to see information she could relate to. She has a tough time putting her feelings into words, so this helped. She began to realize, over the years that we’ve been together, there were several instances where we had sex, immediately after heavy and unfinished arguments. Pair this with the fact that I have a bad temper, and I was drunk most of these instances, and the fact that she had sex with me because she felt obligated to make me feel better, and you have the predicament that we are involved with now.

    We knew the cause: sexuality + anger, resentment, arguing, drinking = sexual aversion

    We are just now trying to work on this. So I don’t have a success story- yet, but, I am very hopeful! She will begin by spending some alone time, thinking of me, and writing down the feelings that present themselves as anxiousness, or negativity. Next, she will continue the same practice, with me in the room, totally silent. From there, we address the issues head on. I’m unsure if there will be much to discuss, as in many of our arguments, I was at fault. This is all done, with the hope that the brain will rewire the previous links. Step 1, helps determine the problems, step 2 shows trust, by digging up these negative feelings with your partner IN the same room, Step 3 hopefully puts the mind at ease, by closing the arguments, or finishing them. Step 4, move slow. Keeping in mind that pushiness, will only lead to more damaging results.

    I will revisit and post our results. But, this seems to be such a common problem in relationships. Especially our case, because the problem isn’t truly and singularly: my wife’s problem. It was a problem with me, that was the cause- the effect was derived from multiple instances of bad decision making on her part, and my own. Realizing that I was apart of that problem, made me feel horrible, but, it helped knowing what had caused this sexual drop off. Even more gratifying, having a goal, or a direction to work toward, to hopefully get things back to normal.

    My advice, if you are experiencing the same issues: find 15 minutes, in a quiet, private room. Begin thinking of your partner, touching you, or being intimate with you. Let your mind wander, and write down what makes you feel anxious at the end of 15 mins. Do this repeatedly, for a week. See what your mind says, and begin a dialogue with your partner. Explain where your feelings come from. Determine the severity of the cause, and seek professional help if there are serious issues involved.

  • Tracey

    February 22nd, 2016 at 8:33 AM

    It has a name. What a relief. It makes me cry to think there are others like me. I hate sex,I dont want to even be touched. As I have gotten older it has gotten worse. And my marriage is suffering because of it.. I feel like a freak..

  • Heather

    August 11th, 2016 at 4:00 PM

    Tracey – I know exactly what you mean. I’ve never enjoyed sex (it actually feels like a chore) … I completely hate it now. It definitely caused problems in my marriage and we are now divorced. I don’t think you are a freak, but if you are unlike me in the sense that you love your husband (I had a lot of resentment towards mine for his lack of compassion), I hope that you are able to take this information and get help. I wish you all the best, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  • notmenoti

    November 21st, 2016 at 9:34 PM

    I was also relieved to see that it has a name, and I’m not the only one suffering from it. I know where it came from–my previous marriage. I was married to someone who berated me if I didn’t provide sex on demand. I couldn’t even touch him without sex being expected of me. I learned to avoid physical contact with him, because he was going to demand sex if I dared even hold his hand. I would pretend to be sleeping when he came home from working late (he was sometimes on call) so he would leave me alone. When we got divorced, I felt relieved and happy at the thought that no man would ever touch me again. Things have changed, and I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with this. I’ve met a very nice man, and I don’t want him feeling that I’m repulsed by him.

  • SB

    March 14th, 2016 at 10:09 PM

    Tracey, I feel the exact same way. We just process things differently and this is step one to figuring out this side of us. All the best to you.

  • anonymous

    March 31st, 2016 at 10:42 AM

    I know very clearly where mine has come from & have not seen any similar comments here…his 13 year porn addiction that he hid from me, lied about & even went as low as to blame me for having an ‘overactive imagination & watching too many soap operas’. No porn for quite some years but some lusting after women in public & lying about that too. Anger, yelling, lust, porn & lying. I feel utterly repulsed by sex with him & am not even going to do anything to change that. Sex isn’t for everyone.

  • Anonymous

    June 21st, 2016 at 6:01 AM

    I came here looking for information on my own sexual aversion… and after almost a year of struggling with it, my own husband came clean and told me he has a porn addiction. I had been blaming all the sexual problems on myself. On my body changing after having a baby. Feeling guilty about not being able to please him. Well, now at least I know where I stand. I absolutely loathe sex now because he has ruined it for me by demanding things he has seen on a screen that are not fun, comfortable, or sexy for me. We are trying to fix all our issues and he is a good man (I choose to believe that because he came to me with this problem instead of me stumbling across it like a dirty secret it means that he really cares about this marriage) but I am scared that I will never enjoy sex again.

  • Sasha

    April 21st, 2016 at 12:04 AM

    Anonymous… (the person above me)…that is not sexual aversion disorder. That is a marriage in crisis. Sexual aversion is when you (like me, and apparently others) don’t have any desire to have sex with anyone, any time, even in a wonderful relationship. The idea of it is not just un-appealing, but it is literally OFF-PUTTING. And for those wondering… I had fantastic parents and never suffered any sort of sexual trauma in my life. I’m not repressed; it simply didn’t happen. I used to think it was my medication causing the issues… but certain meds can cause lack of drive; not a full on aversion. Then I thought the cause was my self-image (problems with the way i look). But no one ever said you can’t have sex in the dark. Plus, even when I am alone, i come across looking at/reading sexual things in my line of work…and not ANY of it… NONE of it… is a turn-on to me. Nothing. I have 0 turn-ons. I have recently started working as a webcam model and it is EXTREMELY difficult to convince clientele that you are into it, with a disorder like this. “What do you like in bed?” …. Saying “Nothing.” is not an acceptable answer. “At what age did sex become enjoyable?” “Never, really.” is also not sexy at all. “When’s the last time you got some?” “3 years ago.” The list goes on.

    I just don’t know. All I can figure is that Low Sex Drive Due to Meds & Self Image leads to unhappy partners (back when i was actually interested in dating)….partners unhappy because of sex leads to thoughts of how men are so pathetically oversexed and how they want it all the time and how no relationship can seem to function without it…. leads to disgust with men as a whole….leads to disgust with sex…leads to disgust with men…so on and so forth. I’m attracted to men. I just don’t want to have sex with them anymore, haha. God, I used to be at least somewhat normal. But even back then…on the first date or whatever, when it was still exciting and i was mad interested in a guy, i’d be all into doing it. but a couple times of that and even then…10 minutes would go by and it would be “So are you finished yet or….?”

    I got to get this mess figured out. I can not work this job (which is my only option to pay the bills until i find another real one) with this defect.

  • Cathy

    September 25th, 2016 at 10:39 PM

    It’s not a “defect.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with you. Not desiring sex is just that—not desiring sex. Also, I disagree with you about Anonymous’ comment above. Porn could totally be the cause of sexual aversion for some. Personally, I think sex is a disgusting, primitive, and useless act.

  • jason

    July 8th, 2016 at 4:07 PM

    hi i am a 36 year old male with a history of bipolar and severe psychological depression and ocd. I can relate to this sexual aversion disorder. (and Im a man!) I have severe erectile dysfunction issues when Im with a partner. I like men and women and I have messed around with both sexes a little when i was younger. But for the most part I was never able to get hard with anybody! I start to tense up adrenalin starts pumping and get nauseated and repulsed by the thought of carrying out the act of full penatrative sex. So i never have at 36 yet.) and it was not until recently that I could put a name on what I have which is a cross between asexuality and sex aversion disorder i believe. but in my case i hate it. it tortures me no end. because I want to enjoy it and have sex like others do. It tortures me no end. I want to enjoy it. damnit. I cant even enjoy bjs. My penis head is two sensitive. And people get mad at me when i cant perform because they think its them. (Is not its me). seriously ffd up. help me people!

  • angela c

    July 29th, 2016 at 2:26 PM

    I’m ok and love the sex once it’s full on but the foreplay yuck why does my skin retract like g

  • angela c

    July 29th, 2016 at 2:30 PM

    Love the intercourse really really hate the foreplay like yuck don’t even touch me my skin I don’t know it just feels jumpy like I’m not ready to be touched how can this be it’s like I want to control the touch where and when but if your not turned on in the first place then how are you ever going to be without touch ?

  • Chessing

    August 9th, 2016 at 10:14 AM

    I’m a happily married man, I love my wife and I’m only 29. I have had no history of sexual trauma

    I absolutely hate the idea of sex and can not for the life of me explain it. The very word makes me defensive and want to curl up into a ball. Can anyone help explain this? Moreover, are there any blokes reading that can empathise at all?

    Thanks

  • bec

    August 21st, 2016 at 8:48 AM

    I have never been sexually abused, but havw been pinned down twice to the ground from two male family members/friend of the family because I refused to hug them (on seperare occasions) I have been mentally abused and called ugly most of my life.
    The thought of anyone touching me makes me feel nauseas, and gross like I need to wash myself.
    if a man even looks at me with a hint of wanting, I am out of that room faster then flash! I am 27yrs old.
    how can I get over this? I want to be normal!

  • Alde

    August 23rd, 2016 at 7:34 AM

    Bec I am sorry to hear your trauma. You should not tolerate being anything other than treated with full love and respected 100% of the time. I have issues that I need answers to also. But I am slowly accepting that I can’t change the past but I can allow healthy and sane people in my life on a daily basis.

  • Angie

    August 23rd, 2016 at 7:13 AM

    I was so happy to stumble across this article and the comments after a late night Google search on the issue that’s destroying our marriage . My husband is a pilot and flies internationally and is gone for 10 to 12 days stretches. He left for his trip yesterday furious with me that I had not been receptive to his advances the entire week he had been home. His last words as he walked to the cab were “well I guess you get an entire month off” . After the kids had left that morning he had tried dragging me to the bedroom for a quick round of sex before he left for his trip. I knew this would be coming and even considered making up a lie about an appointment so I could rush out the door and avoid the inevitable . Why couldn’t I just force myself to do it and get it over with it and allow some tranquility to resume? It had been a hard week and I just kept reliving the multiple arguments and his angry outbursts with me and the kids , and although we weren’t mad at each other at the moment , the thought of trying to fake sexual pleasure was beyond repulsive. This article and many of the comments brought me to tears as the realization that others are going through the same thing and there are some possible “treatments” . We have been married 20 years and have three teenage children . The agitation and hostility that arises from his sexual needs not being fulfilled to the extent he desires is felt by all of us in the home. You would think that my need to clear the house of that stress would push me to work past my aversion and just give him that relief so we can move on. Now I realize that all those years of doing just that may have been exactly what landed us in the mess we are in now. I have even spent the past 5 years “secretly” drinking in the evenings in hope that a strong buzz will relieve my anxieties and help me get the “job” done. That doesnt works any more. It’s of course no longer a secret that I am drinking and now just another sore spot between us. My MO is to now just hit the stage of passing out before he come to bed and the next morning is spent with unspoken hostilities and anger over the unrewarding previous evening. I never even feel the desire to drink and rarely have a single drop of alcohol when he is away on a trip. I avoid “date nights” and sometimes even instigate arguments or bring up topics that I know will lead to a heated discussion in an effort to give myself an “excuse” not to want to have sex. I love him very much , you would think that love would allow me to do anything for him , but it doesn’t ! He is a devoted husband and Dad and I know he deserves that sexual reward but Trying to do that is emotionally destroying me. I never will instigate plan or suggest a “date night” any more . I am too consumed with worry that I won’t be able to “pay the piper” at nights end or if I am able to force myself to get through it, I try to rush it along as much as I can. He can see that and this also becomes a source of unspoken hostility. When we are alone he will often walk up and hug me or try to give me a kiss or grab and rub my breasts , trying to get me in a playful mood. The moment that happens I become nauseous, agitated and panicky. My mind starts replaying every recent argument or fight and I am left fighting this strong desire to shove him off of me and yell at him. I obviously have realized this is not normal, but until I ran across a few articles like this , I was just plagued with a guilt that was leading me into a depression. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am hoping we are not to badly scarred and that there may be hope and some kind of treatment that can fix this huge problem of ours. I think the first step was realizing the problem is not just “ME” .

  • Ashley

    September 4th, 2016 at 11:05 PM

    Oh my gosh, you just explained my life!! I just stumbled upon this ai didnt even Know Sexual Adversion was a thing, but I totally diagnosed myself….Wow, so what have you done to make things better. I want a cure 😉. Let me know if you have any suggestions. Thanks

  • BM

    August 28th, 2016 at 1:03 PM

    I’m an African American male, and my dates/relationships have been almost exclusively with White girls/women over nearly sixty years, and all involved frequent sex. I had absolutely no sex education whatsoever, and my Mother constantly derided, and tried to make me feel ashamed of myself for showing even a vague interest in girls/women. Lust was unheard of! There’s so much more to my story, but the jist of it all is that I crave sex, though I’m in total control of myself when it comes to seeking an amicable sex partner. About 15 years ago, I stopped engaging in sex with “Randoms” . I haven’t had sex since, and feel totally like a mis-fit. Now I’m seeing, but not really dating a woman who’s 46 years my junior. Our friendship/relationship changed in character just recently, and became more personal. She tells me now that she’s asexual, though I remember her mentioning accomodating two men at a point a few years ago. This doesn’t bother me at all, but I’m worried that she’s freaked out at the thought of engaging in any sort of intimacy with me, and is just being diplomatic by offering that she’s asexual. I’ve told her of my obsession with women’s barefeet, and that it stems from my early years. She said she understands. Now I want badly to be able to hold, kiss and caress her feet, but I fear that if she does have a sexual aversion, that asking her for this will repulse her.
    She is the only person in my life literally, and figuratively, and I don’t expect that there will be any sex involving penetration, but I do long to hold and caress her feet.

  • Alice

    September 5th, 2016 at 6:28 PM

    Is it normal if I like to do things to my boyfriend but I hate being touched myself? It really confuses me lately…

  • BM

    September 5th, 2016 at 10:18 PM

    Alice,……,
    You don’t mention what “things” you like to do to your boyfriend, but if you’re doing things to tease, tantalize to the point of bordering on sodomy, I’d question your actions/motives.
    Working with the presumption that these “things” that you do to him are sexual, you should ask if these “things” bring him to the point of ejaculation/sexual satisfaction?…..If NOT, are you, and why are you teasing him…… ?? If so, then consider that you may be afraid of experiencing these highly stimulating sexual activities for yourself. You may also be covering up a fear of not knowing “what to do” if you’re approached for sex. It could also be a fear of imagined pain, which would lead to discomfort that you feel would overwhelm any pleasurable feelings….. In my opinion, there can be any number of reasons that you don’t want to be touched, but I believe that these things should be dealt with on a different page. NOT to be coupled together as if just one entity. From my point of view, you’re not claiming to have a sexual aversion, and shouldn’t be allowed to make such a claim if in fact, these “things” that you like to do to your boyfriend are indeed sexual in nature, and aimed at bringing your partner pleasure/satisfaction.
    In other words, if you’re doing “things” to your boyfriend to bring him complete sexual pleasure, then there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s something wrong though if you get a thrill out of teasing, when you know full well that you’re not going to deliver.
    You only need concentrate on what stops you from allowing yourself to be touched.

  • Cathy

    September 25th, 2016 at 10:54 PM

    You are way out of line to assume the woman above is “teasing” her boyfriend. You almost have a condescending tone and that’s the last thing she needs to hear. I know exactly what she’s talking about. She enjoys making her boyfriend feel good by giving him sexual pleasure, but doesn’t like him doing anything to her. It’s completely a sexual aversion issue.

  • ross

    September 10th, 2016 at 10:24 PM

    i am 28 married from last 6 months (wife is pregnant now) , i have been engage in sex with more than 100 womens in past, i got good experience too ,
    now the girl i married cant feel any pleasure from kissing , touching, or hugging as normal , i was curious why is she doing this, maybe i can relate this article to her problem, ,,,

  • BM

    September 26th, 2016 at 5:09 PM

    Cathy,
    You’ve NOT READ what I said! I DID NOT assume she was teasing her boyfriend. I asked, “If the things” you’re doing to your boyfriend are sexual in nature, and
    are meant to, and result in him receiving sexual pleasure especially to the point of orgasm/ejaculation, then there’s NOTHING wrong with that! BUT (IF) you’re Not bringing him satisfaction , then ARE YOU teasing him, and WHY? I stated that it borders on sodomy to do this when you know that you’re not going to deliver. I think I concluded by saying that if she were indeed pleasing her boyfriend, that her [“aversion”] is what she should concentrate her attention on. There are two different topics of discussion here. WHATEVER she’s doing to her boyfriend does NOT EQUATE to a sexual aversion simply because it’s NOT LIKELY that if she actually has an aversion to sex, that she would do ANYTHING related to it.

  • PF

    January 4th, 2017 at 12:46 PM

    Uh, no. Doing something to someone else (touching, etc.) is an entirely different power dynamic than having things done to you. Did you read the article? Part of the issue is control – if your partner is not trying to touch or arouse or pleasure you, and you are determining how and what and when you do things to them, then you have more control over the experience. That is entirely consistent with someone having sexual aversion issues that aren’t perhaps the most extreme they could be. Also, a number of people who identify as asexual are comfortable doing sexual things to a partner (touching, etc.) without reciprocation. They enjoy that their partner enjoys the experience even if it isn’t something they personally want to experience.

    Ultimately the answer is communication – if you are clear with your partner what you are comfortable with and not, then you and your partner can try to figure out something that works for both of you. And yes, that might include what you’ve defined as ‘teasing’ wherein things don’t progress to orgasm. A partner can enjoy being touched and other acts even if they have to finish things off themselves, it is down to the people engaging in the activities to define what is comfortable and works for them. Being more or less comfortable with any one aspect certainly doesn’t mean someone isn’t sexually adverse at all, it isn’t an all or nothing thing.

  • Miryam

    October 27th, 2016 at 11:21 PM

    okay i have bad sexual aversion due to trauma, however, I am very sexual, in that I tend to clear my mind in the moment and try not to think of what is being done to me or what I am doing and just do the task at hand. My sexuality is very complicated, when I am by myself I think of sex often and with wanting, however when doing it, it’s different. I allow for sexual touch, but cannot enjoy it like others do. But occasionally it comes and goes, when I want to have sex, my partner doesn’t want to have sex, and when he wants to have sex, I go along because I know that if i don’t have sex with him now there will be no chance for us to have sex later, because I always want to have sex at inconvenient times. Sometimes if I drink I enjoy sex. Ohh also if someone touches my shoulders who’s not my significant other, then I tense up completely, if my significant other touches me from behind when I am not aware it’s him, I also tense up. When I was more sexually active, I had this fear that if I don’t have sex then my sexual libido will disappear completely, and when my recent partner started saying no to sex often, I found myself completely always turned off all the time. I don’t know how to fix my issue, it’s confusing. Trying to get back into the groove of things, I just want to feel like everyone else. Ohh I also lose feeling during sex as well which is bad because, I want to have a continuous sexual arrousal, and usually sexual arrousal is very short and often, stops when we get to intercourse, it’s almost like my body shuts itself off when it senses that intercourse is the last thing on the list or the end of sexual love making, so my body stop feeling excited after a few thrusts..,but yea..it’s confusing to me. I can’t figure out whether if i hate having sex or love having sex because if flip flops…

  • sandy

    November 26th, 2016 at 1:49 PM

    I have bi polar disorder and severe aniexty could it be associated with these dis orders

  • BM

    December 5th, 2016 at 10:20 PM

    Sandy, I’m NOT an authority on any of these topics, nor learned in accordance. Just an everyday individual. My take on Bi Polar disorder is that it does NOT relate directly to the topic of sexual aversion. An aversion to sex as I’ve come to believe is that an individual just does NOT have any interest in, nor desire for sex at any level. There does seem to be though, a situation in which any given individual may have sexual feelings, and engage in sex as long as conditions are favorable. These may include being high on drugs or alcohol which allows inhibitions to be discarded. I’m NOT sure that in such cases an aversion to sex would be a proper description of this conditional behavior. Engaging in sex and enjoying sex, no matter what the conditions, are two separate entities in my opinion in that there are those who would submit to engaging in sex because they feel they owe it to their partner, even though they must be drunk or stoned before the act can be carried out. Their enjoyment is yet another question, but I would NOT call it an aversion if under certain conditions they can engage in, and enjoy sex. My opinion is that in order to categorize a condition as an aversion, there cannot be a situation in which an individual is capable of making a conscious exception and allowing a partner to engage them in a sexual act resulting in their enjoyment.
    My feelings regarding Bi Polar disorder is that it would NOT be a determining factor in the case of, or willingness, or ability to engage in sex no matter what the conditions are. I think it stands alone in such instances as sexuak attractiveness, desire, and participation. Since I’m just an everyday “Joe”, I’d offer that a person with Bi Polar disorder could possibly engage in, and even enjoy sex during their euphoric moments, but deeply detest even the suggestion of sex during their depressed state. In other words, you could be Bi Polar with an aversion to sex also, but i personally DON’T think that an aversion to sex is synonymous with Bi Polar disorder or that one begats the other.

  • Adig

    December 18th, 2016 at 2:14 AM

    Not sure of my problem but, I just don’t feel any arousal and couldn’t maintain erection

  • crystal

    January 8th, 2017 at 4:12 PM

    Ive read all your comments and i see bits and pieces of myself in most of yall. I was abused for 2 years starting at 2 years old. When i was placed at my grandmothers i was made to feel like i was disgusting. I was punished over any sign of anything sexual. I managed to have 3 kids but only when i was pregnant did i want to have sex.before and after i couldnt and still cant until we get started. It doesnt help that my husband of 13 years doesnt show affection til he wants to play. I cant afford professional help though im hopeing this artical can help my husband understand what im going through. Any advice would be amazing. Professional or otherwise at this point anything will help.

  • Sophie

    January 9th, 2017 at 12:34 PM

    Hi Crystal – I read your comment and just wanted to write to you. I think it’s so important to remember that everyone is built differently and that some of us go through experiences, like you have, that can cause difficulties as well. Even if you can’t afford professional help right now, I think the best place to start is to be honest with yourself about your past experiences. You were taught from a young age that sexuality and any natural sexual urges you had were wrong – for that reason alone it is no surprise that you are struggling in this area. The mind remembers what you went through, but what we don’t realize is that the body remembers as well.

    I think the most important thing for you to do right now is to reflect on how these experiences have affected you (not just sexually, but mentally and emotionally as well). Notice any feelings that come up when you think of this past abuse (anger, sadness, frustration, etc). Allow yourself to feel all of these emotions fully. When you numb these feelings or brush them off you end up pushing them down and never truly healing. Maybe keep a journal and write down any situations that come up that trigger you and any corresponding emotions that you feel as well. Dealing with our emotions and our past is scary. Take it slowly and don’t expect results to come all at once. It’s a true journey of inner healing that needs to be done and that takes time.

    At the same time, your husband needs to be reminded that you require more from him in this area. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I think your husband needs you to say to him directly that you need more affection – that you can’t go from 0-100 like he can. If he loves you and respects you, he’ll begin to make an effort in other areas of your relationship.

    You deserve to feel loved, but most importantly, you deserve to love yourself despite the frustration you may feel about this area in your life. You’re allowed to discover your personal sexual preferences, you’re allowed to take your time in figuring this out, and you’re allowed to say at the end of the day that you don’t like sex and don’t feel comfortable with it, if that’s the conclusion you come to. It’s all normal. It’s all allowed.

    Sending you so much love.
    Sophie

  • Bonnie

    January 30th, 2017 at 10:17 AM

    I can relate to much of the article. My issues began with menopause.
    I gradually noticed that my body wasn’t responding to sexual touch and I was unable to arouse.
    Then I started to actually cringe when I was touched sexually.
    After a while, I began to get anxious just knowing my husband was interested in sex. I would lock myself in the bathroom for at least 15 min. in order to pump myself up just to endure going through with sex.
    My husband could tell things had changed and actually wanted me to let him explore my body to find my sensitive spots so he would know how to turn me on.
    I panicked. The thought of him touching me all over shut me down completely.
    I had to tell him that my body didn’t enjoy sex anymore. I couldn’t keep lying and forcing myself to pretend I was enjoying sex just because my husband still needed sexual intimacy. I was beginning to hate sex.
    What a blow to my husband. Why is it so hard for men to not take a woman’s individual sexuality personally?
    They don’t have control over a woman’s biology.
    It was hard for him to accept that I didn’t need or want sex for myself anymore. Over time, he mellowed.
    So, like a previous commenter, I am able to bring him sexual pleasure but I don’t want to be touched myself.
    It has been such a huge relief!
    I’m not sure if I have sexual aversion or just a severe case of menopausal sexual shut down.
    I can live with the status quo. It doesn’t cause me much anxiety. But, I’m still looking forward to when my husband would rather read a good book :)

  • Deborah

    January 31st, 2017 at 12:04 AM

    There’s no such thing as “sexual aversion.”
    Not everyone desires sex. Sex is in no way a basic need. Our society tells us that we must have sex every day or else something is wrong with us. It is society that is defective.

  • Quinn

    February 24th, 2017 at 1:23 AM

    Hi. I’m a 19 year old female college student and recently I’ve been experience extreme bouts of fear and anxiety when it comes to the prospect of physical intimacy with another person. In the past, during high school, I never experienced these sort of fears or worries, but now that I’ve hit college, they seem to be more prominent and strong. A few examples would be that if I was ever in a room alone with a romantic partner of mine, I would get physically ill and nervous about what might happen. It’s not that I don’t want sex, but for some reason, I worry and panic about it. I have had no past trauma as far as I’m aware and it’s honestly eating me up, not knowing what’s wrong. I can’t explain most of how I feel about it. A good way I can explain it is also whenever I’m with a romantic partner and we’re just cuddling or hanging out on the couch, I feel somewhat threatened or scared by the prospect of being alone with them. Even though they’ve done nothing to provoke such a reaction out of me. If anyone could help, I would be extremely thankful!

  • Jessica

    March 30th, 2017 at 10:20 AM

    Hi Quinn,
    Would you say that you are comfortable with yourself/your body? I had a similar feeling growing up. I feel now that it was caused by Body Dysmorphic Disorder and not feeling like anyone would find me attractive. I had a tendency to get into my head, even if someone was noticeably attracted to me.

    Best,

    Jessica

  • tellitlikeitis

    March 3rd, 2017 at 3:46 AM

    men have ruined sex with their evil disgusting ways plain and simply. married men sleep with other women. single men sleep with everyone. men use women then discard them, then brag about it to their friends. and forty somethings do this. sex is spiritual in nature. when you have sex with someone whatever dark energy or demons or whatever is attached to them, you have then had sex with that too. i am not traumatized. i am not a man hater…in todays world keeping your body to yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. i am telling you like it is

  • lucy

    March 3rd, 2017 at 5:04 AM

    i have no feeling at all for sex, i feel like something is inserted in me, i dont know who to talk to and do about it.Its killing my confidence and relationships before even starting a family.

  • Jake

    March 9th, 2017 at 12:47 PM

    First of all we’ve been married 50 years and I really never liked touch her nor having sex with her. I only had sex because that’s what you’re supposed to do. So after about 10 years and just gave up with her. I just told her no more sex, touching, sleeping , talking together. She could do what ever she wanted I didn’t care. I moved down to the basement took care of my sex needs with hand and imagination. I haven’t bothered with sex for about 15 years, just won’t get up anymore. I thought she would go away but she didn’t, I personally have had a good life even though I had no interaction with wife

  • Victor+

    March 9th, 2017 at 3:03 PM

    I do not have any issues with sex at all, but I do have an issue with the way people are responding to the commenters. I notice that female commenters get lots of love and support for their stories, male commenters, even those bringing up very sad tales of sexual issues get no response. Is there a reason for this. It seems to happen again and again. If anybody could address this I’d appreciate it.

  • Dr.AQP

    March 13th, 2017 at 9:25 AM

    This article is not in any way to be used as a tool to self diagnose anything. If you can relate to this article it means you should seek a professional. Please stop the judging. No one is perfect.

  • Jessica

    March 30th, 2017 at 10:16 AM

    I have been with my partner for over 5 years now. Over the last year or so my attraction to him has diminished completely. It is the saddest thing that has happen in our relationship. I love him so deeply – but as a best friend. He is still very attracted to me and tries to have sex with me regularly. It is at the point now when he touches me, kisses me, etc. I am repulsed. My immediate reaction is to get away. My entire body and mind screams “no, don’t touch me” but I can’t say that out loud, so I deflect. He is always amazing and understanding and never pushes too far. But now I can’t remember the last time we had sex.

    I feel betrayed by my own mind. I love this man, yet I cannot for the life of me be attracted to him. I am starting to feel like this is not a phase. I have tried to get myself into the mind set to “just do it” and get it over with, but every fiber of my being tells me it’s wrong.

    I am so lost. Has anyone been through this before?

  • Ashley

    March 30th, 2017 at 12:49 PM

    Yes Jessica.. everything you described is me and my situation for over 10 years now. I have been to therapy, which helped a little but I still have the issues. I wish with all my heart that I would want my husband sexually the way he wants me. I also love him and would never leave him.. but I’m just not feeling the sexual desire for him anymore. I also never express it out loud and do my best to fake it as to never make him feel undesired. I wish there was a support group and some kind of magic pill.

  • Jessica

    April 29th, 2017 at 5:18 PM

    Hi Ashley,
    I’m so sorry that this has been happening for you. It is good of you to still try so that it doesn’t hurt him. I haven’t been able to make myself do that for so long.

    Do you find that you have lost all sex drive entirely? Or just towards him?

  • Sarah

    March 30th, 2017 at 9:53 PM

    Yes, the same thing happened to me. I feel awful and don’t understand it at all. My husband is a handsome man and yet I don’t feel physically attracted to him anymore. We are now separated but remain close friends, but this doesn’t really clarify anything for me personally. It’s a difficult topic to talk about because a lot of people view it as being selfish, but if I could make myself be attracted to my husband, I would. People don’t realize that it’s a feeling – not a choice.

  • Jessica

    April 29th, 2017 at 5:20 PM

    Hi Sarah,
    I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s like a betrayal towards your own self. You can’t change it no matter how hard you try.

  • dietotaku

    April 20th, 2017 at 4:45 PM

    Is it possible that simply having kids you never really wanted can cause sexual aversion? I know I was never traumatized in childhood, I had a normal appetite for most of adulthood, but I’m in full-blown aversion territory now that I have 2 kids when my dating profile said “doesn’t want kids.” Why have them? Because I wanted to keep the man that wanted them. I thought he’d do most of the parenting. But my issues with him are causing an aversion to anyone – I don’t get crushes, I don’t notice attractive people, I don’t have naughty dreams about anyone.

  • Jessica

    April 29th, 2017 at 5:22 PM

    Hi there,
    I think it is fair to say that having kids when you didn’t want them could cause an aversion. I understand your choice to have them but I feel that the same would happen to me as well.
    Are you still with your husband? Have you voiced your concerns/feelings to him?

  • Beanice

    April 29th, 2017 at 9:51 PM

    OMG. I can not believe that I am not alone. I do not want to be touched, I do not want to have sex, I do not want to have anyone tell me anything about sex. I think that my problem comes from feeling guilty. I am not married with my boyfriend, we live together and I do not remember when was the last time we were intimate. I love him, but I am not in love with him. I have suggested for him to move to an apartment separate from me to see if we can have a better relationship. I feel that the trauma that I have had is that while we were living together, he cheated me with his ex. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. I feel that sometimes it is best to let go. I feel trapped. I want out. Perhaps separating from the other is best so that they do not suffer. Some men all they think about is sex, sex, sex. There is much more than just sex. There is responsibility. I feel like I have to make all the decisions and I feel that my boyfriend is just looking for an easy life without worries while I have to think about how to pay the bills, what to eat, what to plan, how to manage working and maintaining a household while he has no worries. I was in love with him, but I fell out of love because my mind is continuously working and working and it gets on my nerves sometimes that he is relaxed, watching tv, while I have to beg him to cut the grass, take out the trash, pay some bills. Every month I go through the same thing, over and over and over. I feel that I no longer want to have sex because I am not in love anymore, even though I do love him but I am not in love with him. I believe that a man has to take care of the household finances, fixing up the place when things get broken down. Bottom line, I am disappointed and feel defrauded. I do not even want to kiss, hug, hold hands, have sex or even talk about sex. I believe that a person should not have sex with an individual without being married. I believe that I am working on my relationship with God. I feel that I do not want to ever have sex because I fear God’s punishment for this. Also, I feel that since I have had two marriages and two divorces, I feel like I need to work on my spirituality and salvation. I do believe it is just guilt. I feel dirty if I have sex because I wanted to be married and have a husband. Not a boyfriend. I am 51 years old. I should not have a boyfriend. I should have a husband or nothing at all. Ughhh. I do not know what to do. i do not want to hurt his feelings but I have asked for him to leave several times and he does not. I just want to sell my home then run as far as I can, by myself.

  • Laura

    May 3rd, 2017 at 9:19 AM

    OMG!!! I thought I’m the only person in the world living this kind of life. I hate hate hate sex. Especially the foreplay. When my husband touches me I feel like I need to gasp for air. It takes me a good hour or so, crying in the bathroom, to calm down after having sex. I started avoiding my husband so he could not ask me for it. I feel so bad to say no. I even try to look less attractive to him. I hate coming too close to him. After I had my baby, when I was physically unable to have sex, I loved my husband like crazy!! Since we started doing it again I try to avoid him. I don’t enjoy deep conversations or sitting on the couch with him… I’m too afraid he will ask me for sex. I cannot believe more ppl have this issue. My life is hell right now!

  • Melissa

    May 5th, 2017 at 1:40 PM

    I can’t believe there is actually a name for this. For myself.. I was fine having sex with my boyfriend of 7 years and had orgasms myself, but it all went downhill very quickly. Now, I feel full disgust when he touches me and when we have sex. I’m very confused by this, as I love him very much. Although, I must say that he has to have sex every other day. It’s just too much for me, and if I suggest every third day, he tries to make me feel guilty. Maybe it’s because, that instead of hugging me when he’s by me, he grabs my ass or breast instead. I find myself getting dressed very quickly because I know that if catches me naked, he’s going to come up to me and start grabbing my private parts. It makes me sick to my stomach to even just think about it. I only give him sex, because I’m not an idiot and know how men think and they have their “needs” . I know if I don’t give him sex.. he will get it elsewhere. He also talks about sex about 20 times a day. Everything I say, he manages to turn it into something sexual. It’s such a turn off to me. I want to want to have sex and be intimate, but it just makes me feel so disgusting. While I’m having sex and after, I feel dirty and sick to my stomach. But.. like I said, this all sort of came out of the blue. I never felt this way before. It makes me want to leave him, just so I won’t have to have sex or let anyone touch me anymore…

  • TC

    May 23rd, 2017 at 1:03 AM

    I wish this has was the case with my situation. I have been married to my husband for over 6yrs now. He has said horrible things to me and it took a while to break me down but now/a lil while before, after anger set it, I did the same even when I promised myself I wouldn’t. We were HS sweethearts but went our separate ways and then yes later came back together again. Only thing now is, I felt I was manipulated..bc he said and acted liked he wanted the same very things I did. Actually, we were in complete sync. Our sex life was amazing, and we talked all the time, and never could imagine a mmoment apart from each other. We are a blended family and it was great for a while…but now for the last yr or so I have moved into another room. At first, he said…he didnt tell me to do that but we hadn’t had any kind of sexual intimacy even at that point for a long time. No, I haven’t gained weight and I am very interested and active and enjoy being intimate but he doesn’t have any desire. I have often wondered if there was someone else and even told him I would leave if he wanted. But he always says..he loves me and wants to be with me. How is this so? He never shows me any affection even when we are away from our kids…he never tries to DO…anything…and believe me, I have slept in the bed with him at hotels….and NOTHING happens at all…idk what to do anymore and I’m tired of being lonely and wanting someone to want me…

  • Jessica

    May 30th, 2017 at 1:14 PM

    Hi TC,
    I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. As someone from the other side of the spectrum, I can tell you that it could possibly be something involuntary within himself. I, personally, love my partner very much – we are best friends and he is the best partner I could ask for – but my sexual drive/attraction to him has practically disappeared over a year or so.

    I am starting to learn that sexual aversion can be a number of things, including an involuntary defense mechanism. It is hard to say what it could be for your husband, but it is worth looking into if you both love each other – and it seems like you do. Would he possibly go to therapy/counselling with you? It sounds like you could both benefit from opening up about it. You may even learn things about yourselves and each other that you never knew before.

    One of the most important aspects of marriage is to work together when things are working out well. If you can’t be open and work as a team to ensure you are both happy, then there isn’t much of a point to staying together aside from financial help, children, etc. If you are with someone only for those reasons, a part of you dies a little inside.

    I think that it would be beneficial to at least try talking to a professional – there are therapists specializing sex as well as couples counselling. It may be helpful for him to do some sessions on his own as well.

    I wish you well. It is such a painful thing to happen.

    Best,

    Jessica

  • Random_person

    June 1st, 2017 at 3:02 AM

    So … youre repelled if you feel nauseous, nervous or frozen that I can understand but you´r also repelled if you feel nothing???? You make it sound like “if it doesn´t elect a possitive feeling your repulsed”. If a heterosexual female doesn´t feel anything when she looks at another female, does that mean that she is repulsed by her? It doesn´t seem right to link `not feeling` something to `clearly negativ feelings`.

  • Jessica

    June 2nd, 2017 at 12:29 PM

    Hi Random_Person,
    I am not certain if you are replying to the entire article, or to a specific person in the thread, but I think that it is fair to related lack of attraction to negative feelings if sex is involved. If you are no/no longer attracted to a person, it can be a very negative experience to have sex with them.
    To use your analogy, if a heterosexual female is not attracted to another female, that won’t necessarily relate to negative feelings. However, if that heterosexual female is put in a situation where she is expected to have a sexual experience with that other female, it could very well lead to negative feelings.

    Hope this helps.
    Jessica

  • DVG

    June 9th, 2017 at 2:25 AM

    I am a married man who has been with my wife over 20 years and 16 of those have been mostly sexless (1x per year or less). I am reading these comments to try to understand my wife and her revulsion for me. I have to say that from what I am reading (at least people are being honest) I don’t see any hope for our marriage. I expect sex as part of a relationship. If you aren’t willing to do it then the only alternatives for your spouse is to also do without or get it elsewhere. I can’t go without so I guess that I have to get it elsewhere. The only question is whether I divorce my wife over it or have an affair. The comments about porn are… wow. You won’t sleep with your spouse and then you also complain they look at porn?! I came here seeking help but all I found was despair.

  • CRYSTAL

    June 9th, 2017 at 11:07 AM

    Have you considered talking to your wife? Try to find out why she has issues with sex. Its possible she could need help . If the lack of sex is an issue talk to your wife if you can’t find a solution get a divorce unless she’s OK with you cheating on her.

  • Melissa

    June 9th, 2017 at 11:13 AM

    As a female who has a boyfriend, I completely understand that a man has needs. I do get a feeling of disgusts while having sex, even though I love him, but I still do it and take care of him. I know that if I don’t, he will leave me or have an affair. In your situation, where your wife is not willing to make the sacrifice for you and your relationship, you should sit her down and tell her your feelings. Tell her that your needs are not being fulfilled and tell her that you need her to sacrifice some things in order for your relationship to remain. Also.. tell her that you are having thoughts of looking for sex elsewhere. I would say, as a female, I would not blame you if you have an affair if your wife will not fulfill your needs. It is a part of a healthy marriage. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Please.. just make sure that you have this conversation with her first. That way she will know how your feeling and have an understanding of what may happen if she does not fulfill your needs, and hey, you never know, she may just give you the sex you need, or.. she will turn a blind eye and tolerate you being with another woman, as a lot of woman do. Just remember.. her undesire to have sex with you, has nothing to do with you. I imagine she loves you dearly. I know for myself, it is not just my boyfriend of 8 years, I don’t want to sex with anyone at all. Best wishes…

  • CRYSTAL

    June 9th, 2017 at 1:24 PM

    Melissa, as someone that has been dealing with this since puberty I can tell you from experience you are doing more harm then good by giving in to his urges. I understand men have needs but if he really cares he will help you through your aversion and not push you to do something you don’t want to . To have sex without a want to just to keep him there is only scaring you further and will do nothing for your mental health .To expect is x knowing what you deal with is almost rape. Sexual aversion can be treated with time and understanding. My husband and I went from non at all to once a week with therapy time and patients. My husband never once held it against me or told me he’d leave if I didn’t give it up. He made it work without cheating and without pushing me because that’s not how relationships work. I’m sorry you have to deal with all that but don’t sacrifice your mind for someone who doesn’t understand. One thing that helped was a book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

  • Moony

    June 12th, 2017 at 1:59 AM

    Woah… i am so glad there’s a name for it… i am recently married to one patient guy, we havent been able to have sex yet because this has become such a huge problem for me. i had no clue i even had this because he was my first serious relationship and we love each other a lot, everything’s perfect, i just freak out and grow so agitated about sex. i even prompted the topic to him before i said yes to marriage so he knew and was very ok with that… but our first anniversary’s coming up and we’ve still not got there yet. i’m getting nervous about that day and i can’t see a therapist atm. I guess i will have to look for some online advice…

  • x

    June 20th, 2017 at 7:46 AM

    i live in southamerica in a country where the kind of therapy available does not cover this issue very well (psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy is very popular here and the issue of sexual aversion is not very known). could you please recommend some literature that i could get online so i could read about it? i feel i have this problem and i dont know how to even begin to get treatment for it. i’ve been to therapy and it hasnt been any help

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