I remember being a teen in counseling. I remember crossing my arms and sitting on the couch in silence for three sessions, listening to the therapist talk at me and ask questions. Eventually the provider conceded that he was probably not the right fit for me, and I was released from the requirement of attending counseling.

As with most teens, I was brought to therapy without choice. I was expected to divulge my internal processes to a stranger at a stage of life where I truly believed all I needed was to handle problems myself and get advice from friends I trusted.

This is a common scenario for teens; it is developmentally appropriate for people in this age range to pose some resistance to talking with a therapist. Maybe talking isn’t always the right answer for teens. Just outside the realm of talk-based therapies are the expressive arts therapies, which can engage teens utilizing their developmental needs and level of independence to address a variety of issues in counseling.

Teens in Therapy: Why Resistance Occurs

Youth ages 12 to 19 are in a unique stage of development: the “Who am I?” and “What can I become?” phase of life. Erikson labeled this stage identity versus role confusion, and it contains the primary tasks of self-discovery and launching independently into adulthood. During this time, teens experience both internal and external developmental transitions that reach all areas of life: social, emotional, relational, physical and in self-identity. It is in the stretch from middle school to after high school that teens pull away from dependence on adults and begin figuring things out for themselves.

Though an important process, this individuation can pose a natural challenge for teens entering counseling. Teens might appear resistant to talking with an adult and may not be inclined to seek help. Also, teens are generally not voluntary clients; they are brought in by caregivers, court, teachers, or other authority figures. And once in counseling, teens may view the provider as just another adult getting in the way of their attempts at autonomy.

Whether it is part of the resistance process or other factors, teens can also present patterns of overall denial of their current feelings and/or circumstances. When asked how they are feeling, a common response might be, “I’m fine” or “I don’t know”. Denial-based resistance shows up while counseling teens for many reasons, including:

• Lack of trust in provider
• Limited insight due to age and brain development
• No perceived benefit for sharing and emotional avoidance

What Are the Expressive Arts Therapies?

The expressive arts therapies introduce action and imagination into counseling and psychotherapy (McNiff, 1981; Malchiodi, 2005). The “action” introduced can come from a variety of creative sources, including art, dance and movement, music, poetry and writing, drama, or any combination of these.

Used in conjunction with or apart from talk-based counseling, the expressive arts therapies offer teens a variety of ways to engage in counseling while meeting their developmental needs and honoring their ways of interacting with the world.

Used in conjunction with or apart from talk-based counseling, the expressive arts therapies offer teens a variety of ways to engage in counseling while meeting their developmental needs and honoring their ways of interacting with the world.

Expressive arts therapies are founded on the belief that engaging in creativity is not only healing, but provides avenues for processing feelings, solving problems, increasing insight, coping with emotions and thoughts, gaining self awareness, and connecting with others directly or indirectly. They focus on an integrative approach, working with and acknowledging all parts of a person: physical, social, emotional, cognitive and spiritual (Malchiodi, 2005). The expressive arts therapies are also accessible to all, requiring no formal arts training or experience.

Facilitated by specially trained, certified, and licensed therapists, the expressive arts therapies include:

• Dance/movement therapy
• Art therapy
• Music therapy
• Drama therapy and psychodrama
• Poetry therapy
• Intermodal expressive arts therapy

How Expressive Arts Therapies Can Help Reach Teens

The expressive arts therapies are adaptable to all needs and age ranges but may be especially appropriate for teens due to their life stage. As teens experience changes as they grow, one of the main goals of expressive arts therapies is to assist with integration of social, emotional, physical, and cognitive aspects of being while offering support in coping and expressing feelings.

Additionally, the expressive arts therapies work in action-orientated modalities which invite the teen client to participate actively rather than passively. This is a contrast to traditional talk-based therapies—the teen will be offered the act of doing rather than listening to a therapist talk or being expected to answer questions for an hour. The action of completing something, whether it be art, music, dramatic action, or writing, can help a teen feel accomplished and empowered in a counseling session.

Engaging in the expressive arts therapies also speaks to teens biological need for independence. Expressive arts therapies can be done independently or with others. For teens seeking freedom to work through troubles without adult assistance, the expressive arts offer teens a compromise.

Working with art in therapy can give teens a safe distance from the therapist, especially in a newly established relationship. The chosen medium can act as a bridge between teen client and therapist and may allow the teen to reveal or communicate more thoughts and feelings in a way that feels safe. Because there is no wrong or right way to engage in expressive arts therapies, teens have autonomy to choose the amount of effort and engagement they put into the session.

Since teens have a newly developed capacity for abstract thought, working through the expressive arts may speak highly to this age range. Day-to-day communication for teens can include images, music, quotes, and personal expression through fashion and emojis. The expressive arts therapies are built on working in the creative space and utilizing metaphor to express feelings, problem solve, gain insight, and manage emotions. A teen may feel more connected to the work happening in therapy if it speaks to their daily experiences and ways of communicating with the world.

Lastly, expressive arts therapies offer a space for teens to learn skills, without overt teaching or instruction. While teens engage in processing feelings, exploring identity, and problem solving through the expressive arts, they are simultaneously learning self-regulation, emotional naming, self-awareness, and coping skills (and all without worksheets!).

The expressive arts therapies are highly adaptable forms of treatment that can meet the variety needs and symptoms presented by teens. Start here to search for an expressive arts therapist in your area.

References:

1. Erikson, E. (1950). Childhood and society. New York, NY: Norton.
2. Malchiodi, C. A. (2005). Expressive therapies. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
3. McNiff, S. (1981). The arts and psychotherapy. Springfield, IL: Thomas.

“Don’t you walk away when I’m talking to you!”

“But Mom!”

“Don’t ‘but Mom’ me. I’m not finished here!”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“You’re losing your phone for a week for being so disrespectful.”

Bedroom door slams.

“Make that two, you ungrateful little brat!”

Maybe things aren’t this bad in your home. Maybe they are worse.

The adolescent years are difficult for many families. To make things more complicated, puberty begins earlier and children leave home permanently later than in any previous generation. This means parents may spend more time navigating changes and challenges that arise as their children become adults. [fat_widget_right]

Developmental stages are determined by internal biological clocks. The age at which a child learns to walk, begins talking, understands object permanence, understands that death is permanent, or develops romantic attractions is determined mostly by biology, not parenting. It is often easier for a parent not to personalize their 4-year-old repeatedly asking “why?” than it is not to take the individuation attempts of a teen personally. On top of stress that may occur as teenagers find their independence, parents are often exhausted from work, household responsibilities, parenting obligations, and extended family needs.

Burnout and Parents of Teenagers

Many households are run by single parents or have a disabled parent in the home. Trying to squeeze in a little self-care, exercise, and time with friends may seem nearly impossible when it’s needed most.

I invite parents who seek counseling with me to first consider if heated exchanges at home are, in part, a signal they are burned out. When parents are sleep-deprived, experiencing relationship issues, or neglecting activities that recharge their emotional batteries, it is often apparent in the tone they set for the household.

Why Is Your Teenager Disrespectful?

Adolescent anger or angst is not a parent’s fault. In fact, outward expressions of anger may be a sign of adolescent depression. If this is a concern, calmly take your teen to a licensed counselor or to their physician to be evaluated. Most tension between parents and adolescents is a normal part of individuation. Remember, it is up to the adult, not the adolescent, to stop the back-and-forth.

Adolescents do not have the insight, power, or privileges adults do. They can’t sign legal documents or stay out past curfew, and they depend on their parents for finances, health care, extracurricular activities, vacations, clothes—nearly everything. A teenager’s dependency is often at odds with their strong emotional desire for independence. This battle rages within the teen and more often than not, spills over onto those closest to them.

Handling Disrespectful Behavior: Be the Example

Respecting a teen’s feelings is not the same as giving them everything they want. Validating that an adolescent has the right to hope and dream for anything without caving in to their demands can build mutual respect and foster dignity. In households where parents are confident in the parameters they set, the teen can express their frustration, agitation, even anger, and the parent does not take their emotions personally.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent.

Adolescent moods can change moment to moment. Parents who focus primarily on making a teen happy tend to defend themselves, try to get the teen to see things their way, and shame the teen if they express uncomfortable emotions about the parent’s decision. When parents are clear they are responsible for their own emotions and don’t blame others (including their children) for how they feel, it’s easier for a teen to understand they are also responsible for their own feelings.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent. These are often employed by the teen in less sophisticated or polite ways.

6 Tips for Parents with Disrespectful Teens

What is the alternative for parents? Those with disrespectful teens may find the following tips helpful.

1. Model respect.

Set up expectations ahead of time. Write them down. Be consistent and don’t change your mind at the last minute. If you feel resentful about a privilege you are giving, set up a predictable reward system and have your adolescent earn that privilege. Doing so may make it easier not to hold privileges over their head when you feel taken for granted.

2. Don’t get sucked into arguments about facts or perceived facts.

Your teen has much more time and energy than you do to collect good argument data. Remember that you have the right to set a boundary just because you’re comfortable with it.

If you are clear with yourself about what you will contribute (phone, computer, driving to a friend’s house, money, shopping, entertainment, etc.), you may spend less time in conversations defending yourself and your decisions. You might also have more energy to validate your teen’s feelings. Use phrases such as, “I can see you are disappointed,” “It’s okay to be upset,” and “It looks like you’re frustrated.” Don’t try to show your teen a different way to look at the situation. They may interpret this as an attempt to change how they feel or think that you believe how they feel is wrong.

3. Practice active listening.

Demonstrate you are really listening and that you have compassion for their frustration. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are experimenting with ways to cope with strong emotions. The more methods for handling strong feelings you demonstrate, the more ideas they may have to choose from.

4. Take time for yourself.

Spend time with quality friends, exercise, pursue a creative outlet, listen to music, dance, laugh, write, plan outings, eat healthy foods, learn something new, organize your surroundings, go to therapy, garden, or volunteer where you feel appreciated. Show your adolescent that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and peace of mind.

5. Be sure to laugh.

Lead conversations with humor. Don’t take every conversation so seriously. Laughter lightens up a household, but sarcasm or belittling humor do not.

6. Give compliments.

So many seemingly bad behaviors in teenagers stem from a desire to be addressed. Be sure you are giving at least five compliments for every one directive, which is telling your teen what to do or how to change. Finding things to compliment may be hard to do in a defiant adolescent. Push yourself a bit. The more you model that you admire your child, the more they may see what respect looks like.

If you continue to feel frustrated with the arguments and attitudes in your home, consider family therapy. The sooner a family seeks treatment, the easier it can be to begin moving toward a harmonious, respectful household.

With some focused effort, the opening conversation in this article can sound more like:

“I can see you’re done talking about this. I’ll send you a text with the rest of what I want to say.”

“But Mom…!”

“It’s okay, I’ll text you. It’s a good strategy to spend some quiet time alone.”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“We’ll talk later.”

Bedroom door slams.

“I know this is hard. Hang in there, we’ll get through this. I love you.”

Reference:
Sawyer, M. S., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2017, January 17). The age of adolescence. The Lancet: Child and Adolescent Health, 3(2), 223-228. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30022-1

It will come as no surprise that in my work as a middle school therapist, I come across kids who test boundaries, break rules, and make poor choices. It is also not uncommon to meet with parents at a loss for what to do and how to regain control.

Raising an adolescent is one of the most challenging jobs a parent will have. Suddenly you go from raising a sweet and affectionate child to managing a moody and rebellious teen. You might wonder what happened to the child you once knew. You also might find that the parenting strategies you once relied on no longer work.

While it is not all bad, it is easy for parents to get overwhelmed by the social, emotional, and behavioral changes that happen during adolescence.

Many parents don’t reach out for help until things have gotten out of control. When I meet a family for the first time, I am often meeting desperate parents who have tried everything in their bag of tricks to improve things, to little or no avail. By that point, the family has become quite entrenched in negative patterns.

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During the first session or so, I explore with the parents the strategies they have used to address any concerns. Often parents report that they yell, lecture, threaten consequences, or try to rationalize with their teen. I follow up by asking which strategies have worked and which have not. No surprise, yelling often leads to escalation; lecturing doesn’t garner the desired response, and how can one rationalize with an irrational teenage brain?

Despite their desperation to change things, many parents tell me that they don’t often follow through with any threatened consequences. And why not? “Because they’ll be mad at me,” I’m inevitably told.

I am often incredulous. Of course teens will be mad when there is a consequence, especially a meaningful one. Trying to prevent a teen from being mad at you is like trying to prevent a baby from crying. Good luck.

So why this avoidance of angering a teenager? I believe the reason is both selfish and selfless. First, what parent wants to deal with a sulking, bitter, angry teenager? No parent I know, including me. And it is understandable for parents to want to be loved by their children. We sacrifice so much and work so hard to love and care for our kids. It is validating to get that love in return.

We are programmed to want to make our children happy. This desire often translates to avoidance of anything that makes our child upset, including enforcing consequences for negative behaviors.

Why would we want to make our child upset when there is enough adversity in the world? Let me tell you.

Despite how they may act, teens need rules and boundaries so they can both test them and feel protected by them. Creating structure and having predictable responses helps teens learn to self-regulate. It also helps them learn from their mistakes.

Rules and consequences are important for every child. Despite how they may act, teens need rules and boundaries so they can both test them and feel protected by them. Creating structure and having predictable responses helps teens learn to self-regulate. It also helps them learn from their mistakes.

Raising a teen is like bowling with bumpers. Sometimes the bumpers take the form of support and validation and sometimes they’re in the form of rules and consequences. Regardless, they serve to gently guide teens down a healthy and successful path. Not having rules and consequences is like removing the bumpers before your teen has developed the skills to function in the world.

Allowing your child to express anger in a safe environment also helps them to develop emotional intelligence. If you are constantly shielding them from frustration, anger, or sadness, they may not learn how to regulate these emotions or how to express them in socially appropriate ways. It is important to remember that parenting isn’t about being liked. Giving in on rules and consequences makes it harder for teens to engage in a world where there are rules and consequences.

So what can you do?

• Set realistic rules and consequences: This helps in many ways. First, it’s easier to enforce and stand behind rules you believe are logical and reasonable. Second, if you set realistic rules, your child may be more likely to abide by those rules. Realistic consequences are also important. Don’t threaten something you can’t enforce. Kids notice when parents are inconsistent in enforcing consequences and will take advantage.
• Don’t feel guilty, and don’t take it personally: Again, many parents avoid giving consequences because they fear their child will be upset—specifically with them. Remember, as long as your rules are realistic and your consequences fair, you are helping your child learn not only how to make better choices but to regulate their emotions. Be prepared for guilt trips from your child. Losing their phone privileges or being grounded is upsetting to them, so expect them to try anything they can to get you to change your mind. Know that their guilt, tantrums, and bad behavior is often nothing more than an attempt to get you give in. Once they learn to expect consistency from you, the pleading and manipulation will likely stop. They will come to understand that when you set a rule and a consequence, you mean business.
• Model healthy emotion regulation: Help your kids learn healthy ways of managing emotions. Give them space and permission to feel angry and disappointed when they are faced with a consequence for their behavior. These upsetting feelings will help them to make better choices. You can validate their feelings and suggest coping strategies without giving in.
• Start young: It is important to start young in helping kids learn about rules and consequences. I often see parents who didn’t have to do much of that because there were few problems when their kids were little. As a result, they were often lenient the few times their kids did make poor choices. However, things change when kids become adolescents. Not only are the stakes higher, but the pushback may be more intense if they don’t understand their behavior has consequences. While it is not impossible to change your parenting strategy after your child has come to expect no consequences, you will likely face a bumpier road.

The bottom line: rules and consequences are your friends. Make sure they are realistic and fair, and don’t let your child’s emotions and attempts at manipulation deter you.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My 16-year-old daughter thinks I’m evil. Anytime I try to use discipline, whether it’s asking her to help around the house or do her homework, I get attitude and viciousness. In recent months she has even taken to saying she hates me. Last night she told me, “I hate your (expletive) guts!” Then she called me another expletive and told me to stay out of her life. I am still sobbing as I write this.

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I don’t know what I did to make my daughter treat me like this. I may not be a banner parent, but I do my best to make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants. She’s really ungrateful and has no respect for me anymore. She has threatened to go live with her dad a few times now (he lives two states away), and I’m just about ready to tell her to go.

It breaks my heart to see my child acting this way toward me and I want to fix our relationship if I can. But I can’t get through to her at all, so I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Please help. —She Hates Me

Dear She Hates Me,

The agony of your heartbreak is so clear—it is devastating to have your child speak to you in such a hateful manner. That agony has a way of making things seem worse than they actually are. You end your letter by saying you “feel like a complete failure as a parent,” but you also said you “make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants.” If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.

It sounds like you are unable to trace her behavior back to any particular incident, which is likely making her behavior all the more baffling. Thus, you feel unsure how to approach the issue. This also makes it seem possible that the issue isn’t really you. Sometimes children lash out at their parents even when their angst has little to do with their parents. Parents can be safe targets—friends might decide not to be friends and boyfriends/girlfriends might break up, but parents don’t stop being parents and don’t stop loving their children.

If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.

You also mention that her father lives two states away and your daughter has expressed an interest in going to live with him. I’m curious how long he has lived two states away. Is this a more recent development that she might be having a hard time adjusting to? Does she blame you, fairly or unfairly, for the geographical distance? I imagine her request to live with him is quite difficult to hear, but affording her the opportunity to speak openly and honestly about why she is feeling this way might be beneficial to your relationship with one another.

I also find myself feeling curious about what is going on in her life beyond the fact her father lives two states away. Have her relationships with anyone else—friends or significant others—changed? Has there been any kind of change at school? Has her performance in school changed significantly? Examining some of these issues might offer some ideas about other things, outside of your relationship with your daughter, that might be impacting her and how she treats you. If you’re unsure of these potential issues, maybe there is a guidance counselor or teacher at her school that you could check in with.

I wonder if there are any times of relative peace between the two of you in the home. If so, one of these moments might provide a good opportunity to let her know you are concerned about her and are open to listening to anything she might wish to share. Sometimes, approaching someone in the absence of conflict can change the complexion of a typical interaction.

Finally, I would encourage you to consider seeking out your own therapy. Parenting is one of the most intense experiences there is, and going through something like this is incredibly painful. You deserve not only the support a therapeutic relationship can provide, but also the opportunity to brainstorm new strategies for and approaches to connecting with your daughter and healing the relationship.

Best,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC