Many years ago, I was betrayed by a friend I admired. If I had been asked to forgive her, my immediate answer would have been, “No.” But if someone had asked if I wanted to be free from the anguish and distress that I felt from her betrayal, I would have shouted, “Yes!”

Forgiveness is more than releasing your hands from the neck of the person who hurt you. It is truly about releasing your hands from your own neck. Forgiveness is about your own freedom from the grip of pain caused by someone else. In reality, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person; it’s about you. Forgiveness does not need to be asked for because it isn’t done for the sake of the “offender.” It’s done for our own healing and well-being.

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It goes without saying that when we’re considering forgiveness, it is because we’ve been hurt, wronged, or betrayed. Someone has done something to us that caused us pain. A pivotal component of forgiveness is the recognition of the intensity of your pain. You have to sit in and with your pain. You can’t ignore, rationalize, or wish it away. You must simply let it be. You can talk, journal, cry, or scream about the hurt and painful emotions, but they must be allowed to surface.

Another key step to forgiveness is in understanding how the pain and betrayal affected you. Pain isn’t an isolated experience or emotion. When we are hurt, it affects all aspects of ourselves and our relationships. Consider a man who just learned that his wife was cheating on him. Understandably, he is hurt, sad, and angry. He also has trouble focusing at work, his patience with his children is low, and he begins to withdraw from his friends because he is too embarrassed to discuss his wife’s infidelity. His emotions go beyond his wife’s betrayal; now the pain seeps into other relationships.

Part of understanding the intensity and depth of the pain is in comprehending how your pain affects you in other ways. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Have your feelings of betrayal and sadness spilled into other relationships?
• Has it affected how you view yourself?
• Are you less willing to be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with people because you’ve been hurt?
• How are you restricted or imprisoned by this pain?

Take time to write, think, or talk about your answers to these questions. Revisit the questions over time, perhaps at three months, six months, and one year. Have your answers changed? Do you notice anything different each time you answer? Are your feelings the same or have they shifted?

You cannot simply decide to forgive someone and expect it to be done. It takes time, compassion for yourself, and the support of others to work through the pain that you endured. Often when we are hurt or grieving, there is internal pressure and external pressure from family, friends, and society to “get over it”: “It’s been six months; why haven’t you forgiven him for cheating? Are you still upset about what she said to you?” These statements suggest a time limit for moving on after being hurt, but everyone has a different time frame. What takes one person two weeks to forgive may take another person one year to forgive. We all have our personal and individual processes of forgiveness that cannot be rushed.

When you are in the process of forgiveness, it is crucial that you have compassion toward yourself. Enlisting the support of people who are also compassionate toward you and will not rush your process is also beneficial.

Once you’ve acknowledged your pain and you understand how it has affected you, you can ask yourself: What do I need in order to be free from this pain?

What are your stories and experiences of forgiveness? How have you been able to forgive? When have you struggled or been unable to forgive? I want to hear from you!

We like to think we are good listeners, but I’m smart enough to know that even I miss things. Being a good listener is more than just allowing the other person to speak and you being nearby. You have to take in what the person is saying and sometimes go deeper. You may have to read between the lines, ask questions, and offer support. You may even have to bite your tongue, resist giving suggestions, and just truly listen, reflect what you are hearing, and ask the person if you understand the situation correctly.

Sometimes, you may be confused as to why the other person is sharing with you. Does he or she want you to just be there and listen? Does he or she want your opinion and help in problem-solving his or her struggle? I can tell you that a lot of us guys are great at coming up with ideas for you, so if this is what you are looking for, you may be in for a treat. But what if you need to just vent? It’s OK to get yourself out of an uncomfortable situation (say, a disagreement at work or with a neighbor), know that is not the time or place to sound off, and find a friend or significant other to bend an ear a bit and blow off some steam.

If you are not looking for advice in those moments, it may be important to share this upfront. “Hey! Can I vent with you a little bit?” you might say. “I had a frustrating day at work. I’m not looking for advice right now, but I could really use your support.” This is a perfect start to the conversation. If I am in a position to just listen, I can best support this person without having to come up with a game plan. If I am confused, I can ask questions and even share how I might feel in that situation: “Wow! That sounds frustrating. I can imagine that was not a comfortable moment.” Not that there is a specific way to respond in every situation, but since I care about the other person, the sharer will know of my concern in being there.

The idea of being mindful can be challenging, though. Buddha noted mindfulness as a key to enlightenment. But it takes practice. When I am present for the sharer, I am not thinking about what I am going to do later in the day or about the meal from earlier. I am in that moment with the person, paying attention to what he or she is experiencing, both in actual words and emotion. Unfortunately, I fear our everyday lives are over-full of activities and stressors, both good and bad. We are constantly being bombarded by stimuli—conversations around us, work expectations, family members’ activities, places to go, people to see, television, radio, game systems, a trillion new phone apps, etc.—all competing for our attention. This makes it too easy to drift in and out of conversations with all the ideas in our minds.

We need to resist the urge to drift away from the person or situation at hand, especially if we want to have meaningful relationships in which we feel supported by others and they feel supported by us. If you find it difficult to remain focused, do some reflection on all that is going on in your life and evaluate if there is too much. If so, perhaps you can cut back on some of those things. Even a few reductions may help you both relax more and find it easier to focus on the moment. Furthermore, tools such as meditation and other relaxation techniques can allow you to give your mind a rest for a bit as well as help you better manage stressful times that can command your attention.

Art therapy is a specialized area of mental health that uses art materials and the creative process to explore emotions, reduce anxiety, increase self-esteem, and resolve other psychological conflicts. The American Art Therapy Association states that art therapy can be an effective mental health treatment for individuals who have experienced depression, trauma, medical illness, and social difficulties. Making art in therapy can be a way to achieve personal insight as well as healing.

There’s more to art therapy than simply “drawing your feelings.” Art therapists are trained to lead people through the creative process in a therapeutic way. Just as your doctor may prescribe a medication or behavioral change to aid your physical healing, your art therapist offers art-based therapy interventions that are tailored to your needs. As with every aspect of therapy, the choice to engage with specific types of materials will ultimately be up to you.

“Art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life.” —Pablo Picasso

In this article, we’ll take a look at some of the top questions people have about art therapy.

Q: Do I need art training or experience to participate in art therapy?

A: No art experience is necessary for you. Your art therapist is highly trained in visual art as well as psychology, and he or she will guide you in the process of creating art using specific types of materials. All you need is a willingness to experiment and explore.

Q: What kind of training should my art therapist have?

A: Art therapy is a profession that requires at least a master’s degree in a program with specific art therapy components.[fat_widget_right]While expressive arts therapists are trained in art therapy, there is also the designation of art therapist whereby the therapist studies only art therapy. There are also associations that offer certification as a supplement to your education, rather than a degree. Many art therapists have an art therapy credential called an ATR that indicates they are registered with the national art therapy credentials board.

Q: What kind of art will I make in art therapy?

A: It depends on your interests as well as the therapeutic benefits of certain types of art for your situation. Art therapy can include a wide range of art materials and processes. Your sessions could potentially include activities such as working with clay, painting, making a mask, creating a visual journal, and assembling a collage. Most often, the focus will be on the process rather than creating a finished art product.

Q: Do I get to keep the artwork that I make in art therapy? Will the art therapist show it to anyone else?

A: Your artwork is your creation and always belongs to you. Some people choose to keep the finished artwork, while others may decide to leave it in the care of the art therapist. Your art therapist will not show your artwork to anyone without your permission. The code of ethics followed by art therapists specifies that an art therapist must safeguard a client’s art creations the same way he/she would protect any other privileged information.

Q: Why are some art materials more appropriate for my situation than others? What does it mean to have an art therapist prescribe an art process for me?

A: Art materials have inherent healing qualities, but some are more appropriate for certain types of situations. For example, there is a therapeutic difference between using colored pencils, which are very dry and controlled, as opposed to watercolor paint, which is extremely wet and difficult to control. Your art therapist has specialized training in assessing which materials to suggest based on the issues you are facing, your frame of mind during the session, and other factors. Art therapists also have an extensive personal background in studio art, making them personally familiar with the use of specific types of art materials so that they can guide you through any difficulties that may arise in the creative process.

Q: Will the art therapist “interpret” my artwork?

A: Art therapists can use a variety of approaches, just as counselors or psychotherapists may utilize different approaches. It is not customary for a therapist to interpret your art. In a humanistic or transpersonal approach to art therapy, the focus will be on the personal meaning that you find within your own creative work, rather than an arbitrary meaning imposed by the therapist. You are the expert on your own artwork and creative process, and the art therapist’s role is to facilitate explorations of your work rather than to analyze or interpret it.

Reference:

Pablo Picasso Quotes—Art as Therapy. (2010, October 10). Retrieved May 6, 2013, from quotes: http://www.arttherapyblog.com/c/art-quotes/#ixzz2SYtZgGua

Thanks so much for your question. Boy, it sounds like you’re going through a really tough time, and I’m sorry to hear about your childhood abuse; I know how intrusive and debilitating posttraumatic stress symptoms can be. What’s kind of a “double whammy” here is the fact therapy doesn’t seem to be helping. What’s interesting to me is that it sounds as though it’s all up to you to make it work, when in fact the therapist is a 50/50 collaborator in the process. It’s sad to me you feel you’re “blindly” fumbling around, as if you have no help finding direction. I always challenge my clients when they take whole blame for any “stuckness.” Therapist and client form a system, like two atoms in a molecule, and every relational system seems to reach a kind of homeostasis, or regular pattern, which on the one hand provides a sense of stability and reliability, but on the other can lead to the sort of stalemate you’re talking about. I would agree with you that you’re not capable of change by yourself; your therapist needs to be an active participant, and the way you describe therapy makes it sound as though there’s tremendous distance between you two.

I’m also curious as to what made you decide to quit at that particular juncture. A sense of boredom? Frustration? Sometimes it takes time to get to a point where change begins, but until then it can feel eternally slow. I’m not saying that’s happening here, but sometimes we hit a wall, and just beyond the wall is a new phase. Always darkest before the dawn, as the cliché goes. Sometimes it’s true.

I want to tell you that—and I have zero doubt about this—your therapist is part of the problem here, and the solution. Therapy is, in part, a business arrangement, and as the customer you are not satisfied and have every right to voice your concerns. I would strongly encourage you to have at least one more session and air your true feelings. Let it all hang out; we’re professionals, but we’re not perfect, and feedback is terribly important. Yes, it’s true that we are “experts” of a kind, but psychology is not medicine (it’s part art/part science, in my view). Everyone is different and comes with his or her own history, perceptions, feelings and interpretations that warrant close exploration so that you and your therapist can co-construct a way of working that you both feel is productive and going somewhere. It’s almost like co-creating a language that exists solely within the “psychic sphere” of therapy, to borrow Freud’s phrase.

On another note: One of the many sad things about trauma is it can challenge us in forming attachments to others, including, of course, to the therapist. He or she may become an authority or parental figure whom we are afraid to confront, but clients often report that it is very healing for them to tell me the truth when something bothers them, and to have me listen and understand each of our contributions so we can work it through. Some of the very best work happens when a client is unhappy with something and we process it. Additionally, there are often beliefs about the self based on past abuse that have to be brought to light. Some may unconsciously feel they “deserve” to suffer because of the belief that they brought the trauma on themselves. To a child, assuming they are the cause is less frightening than no cause at all. I hear a note of this when you ask if you are capable of change. Everyone is capable of change, my friend—in fact, we are changing every second of every day! We are organic, physically and psychologically. It’s the illusion or experience of staying the same that is so painful. (The new gray hairs I saw in the mirror today are testament to this.)

There are even unconscious motives for change not to happen, in some cases. Abuse and mistreatment are often, tragically, the only way some caretakers have ever related to their children; clinging to the symptoms is, symbolically (for some), a way of holding on to Mom or Dad. Some would rather believe they are bad than accept that their caretaker, often idealized, treated them so horribly. It’s like losing a parent, and the underlying grief and loss can create terrible apprehension. All of this needs to be explored in the consulting room.

I’m describing a very psychodynamic way of working, by the way. There are other modalities to employ with these types of injuries, including cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, spirituality, peer support, and so forth. I use an eclectic mix, depending on what the client finds helpful. But again, without sustained feedback, I don’t know what’s helpful.

You might also look into a peer support group instead of, or in addition to, individual treatment. Finding a group of people who can relate and accept you as you are, because of (not in spite of) your challenges, can be tremendously healing.

Please don’t give up. I recommend that you talk to your therapist or try with another one, and ask for a treatment plan or set of goals that you both agree are obtainable and desirable. Each goal should have specific methods or ways of working that you both, again, feel comfortable with. The technique of therapy shouldn’t be a mystery; there are many unknowns, of course, but this isn’t hocus pocus and there have been some tried-and-true methods shown to work over the past hundred years. The key one appears to be a trusting relationship with your therapist, and I think that even if you decide this one ultimately isn’t for you, you deserve a fair hearing as to why you’re unhappy and the changes you’d really like to see (and what seems to be getting in the way). You don’t and shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Respectfully,
Darren

One of the first signs of schizophrenia is a psychotic episode. Symptoms of psychosis can appear weeks, months, or even years before a psychotic episode requiring medical attention. Because psychotic symptoms can appear suddenly or more subtly, the duration of untreated psychosis (DUP) varies from individual to individual. Likewise, the acute onset or subtle onset of symptoms can also impact whether symptoms become severe (SC) or persist as less severe (NonSC). Schizophrenia can be difficult to treat, but many people who receive care for symptoms are able to achieve remission within the first few months. However, relapse is not uncommon and estimates point to a nearly 75% relapse rate within the first five years of treatment.

Nobuhiso Kanahara of the Department of Psychiatry at the Graduate School of Medicine at Chiba University in Japan wanted to explore how symptom severity, DUP, and mode of onset (MoO) of symptoms, either subtle or acute, affect long-term illness prognosis. To do this, Kanahara conducted a 10-year study involving several hundred participants treated for psychosis at a psychiatric hospital. The participants were assessed at initial intake for symptom severity, MoO and DUP. These factors were evaluated and measured against treatment outcomes and future diagnoses of schizophrenia.

The results revealed that although the DUP did not differ significantly between participants with SC and NonSC participants, those with acute onset had much shorter DUPs than those with more subtle MoOs. Further, those with subtle MoO, although they did not have more severe symptoms than acute MoO participants, did have poorer overall global functioning in the long-term. In other words, the subtle MoO participants had both longer DUPs and poorer illness prognoses than those with acute MoO.

Kanahara believes that acute and sudden psychosis can lead to more prompt medical attention and therefore, better treatment outcome. Individuals with more insidious MoO, on the other hand, may have symptoms that go unnoticed for a long period of time. In fact, in this study, the DUP for MoO was over three years at its longest, suggesting a chronic psychotic state than can lead to poorer overall outcomes.

Kanahara said, “Taken together, these results indicate that the initial positive symptoms do not act definitively as a prognosis predictor.” However, DUP and MoO appear to be strong indicators of overall illness outcome and therefore, should be examined more closely in clinical assessments and trials.

Reference:
Kanahara, N., Yoshida, T., Oda, Y., Yamanaka, H., Moriyama, T., et al. (2013). Onset pattern and long-term prognosis in schizophrenia: 10-year longitudinal follow-up study. PLoS ONE 8(6): e67273. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0067273

With gay rights making big advances, more gay couples are coming forth to dismantle the stereotype that their relationships are superficial and brief. The truth is they can be just as committed and loving as heterosexual ones. They can also have the same types of conflict: family, finances, household chores, parenting, and so on. Any two people trying to live together are going to run into disagreements. There are a few things, however, that are unique to same-sex couples.

One of the most difficult aspects for same-sex couples can be keeping a boundary between lovers and friends. In a heterosexual relationship, the boundaries are clearly marked by sex: A man may spend a “night out with the boys” without engendering feelings of insecurity in his partner. Likewise, a woman could go to a bridal shower with no concerns on the part of her husband. Should he want to have dinner with an ex-girlfriend, however, or if her workout trainer is a man, there may be some tension.

In gay relationships, there is no such division—most friends and exes are of the same sex as the couple. They also tend to share the same friendship circle. It would be weird, therefore, if one half of the couple socialized with their friends while the other stayed home. In fact, exes are often part of the friendship circle, making it even more awkward.

There is no one way to handle this situation, but as it is healthy for every couple to spend some time apart, it would be wise to agree to some rules at the beginning of the relationship. For example, if one partner was friends with “Kelly” long before the couple got together, it might be agreed that occasional get-togethers with just the two of them would be OK. Or maybe the rule is no attending parties alone if an ex is going to be there. Better still, discuss underlying fears and where they are coming from long before the situation arises. Remember, though, that it is not useful to get angry or make light of your partner’s fears. Defensiveness tends to exacerbate the fear. Make sure they feel heard, and that you respect what they are saying before you start reassuring. It goes without saying—but I’m going to say it anyway—you shouldn’t add fuel to the fire by staying out until early morning or talking with your friend several times a day.

Another issue unique to same-sex couples is that each partner may be at a different level of comfort with being “out.” One partner may be comfortable with holding hands or kissing in public. The other may not be there yet, or may have more fears about negative repercussions. In this scenario, it is good to remember that each person is entitled to develop in his/her own way. Pushing your partner to be at your level is unfair and insensitive. If it is a major area of conflict, it might be helpful to see a therapist to gain understanding of each other’s viewpoints and find a place of compromise.

The above issue can be particularly tough when it comes to family. Many stories have been written about in-law troubles, but in same-sex couples there is an additional layer of conflict. It may be that one partner is not yet out to his or her parents, which puts the other in an awkward position. Or perhaps they are out, but the parents are not accepting. Again, very uncomfortable. Does she go to dinner there alone? Does he refuse to see his family if they don’t accept his partner? Because each person, couple, and situation is unique, the answers have to be worked out by each individual couple. However, there are better ways to address this than to make your partner choose between his/her parents and you.

While it is hard not to feel hurt when your partner seems to be taking his or her parents’ side, try to remember that your boyfriend or girlfriend probably has imperfect parents just like everyone else and that there are issues leftover from childhood. Also, everyone feels the family bond (or lack thereof) differently. I would say that attitude is a big factor here: Is your partner willing to admit that there may need to be some changes made, or does he or she refuse to even discuss the matter? Does he or she acknowledge your feelings, or does he or she get defensive? Does he or she rationalize and say, “We only have to see them twice a year”? If you really feel you are being left out in the cold, there may be more going wrong in the relationship than just in-laws and you might have to take a closer look at the whole picture.

When it comes to relationships, a certain amount of conflict is normal. How you handle it, however, is what makes the difference between a healthy, lasting relationship and one that ends bitterly. Being aware of potential issues, and talking them over before they get too heated, is one way to keep trouble to a minimum.

Last weekend I went to see the musical Wicked and found myself thinking about perception and self-acceptance. The show, based on a book of the same title, is the story of The Wizard of Oz as told from the perspective of Elphaba, the wicked witch of the west. From the beginning, the reimagining of this story questions the power of how we see things, and what happens when that perception is shifted. Our heroine is now the vilified underdog who was born with green skin instead of the sweet, young girl from Kansas.

In the play, the wizard himself speaks at great length about the power of perception. He acknowledges that the only power he really has is that other people believe he is powerful. His entire identity relies on the power of perception. The film version of the wizard is exposed by Toto to be just a man behind a curtain. Fallible and even a little bit tacky, his identity is based not on an internal sense of who he is, but on how others see him. When we actually meet the great and powerful Oz, he feels inauthentic.

We all have inside of us a “person behind the curtain.” For some, it’s an internal voice that doles out judgments aimed at others or internally at ourselves. From behind the curtain, we watch to see how people see us and if it matches the version of ourselves we want to put out into the world. Our internal wizard feeds on fear and anxiety. What will people think? How do I compare to others? It can be exhausting, working so hard to not feel rejection or judgment. In all of the hustle and bustle, it’s easy to lose track of our authentic selves.

The practice of radical self-acceptance provides an alternative perspective from which to view ourselves. It’s a way to interrupt the voice of self-judgment that comes from the “person behind the curtain.” Clinical psychologist Tara Brach writes that “wanting and fearing are natural energies. … But when they become the core of our identity, we lose sight of the fullness of our being.” (2003, p. 20) Brach points out that having feelings or fear, anxiety, jealousy, and envy is natural; it’s part of being human. Experiencing these feelings is not something that we need to be ashamed of. In fact, when we judge them and try to push them away, we can become stuck in a cycle of self-judgment. From a perspective of radical acceptance, internalizing these feelings into our identity can inhibit our ability to fully be ourselves, our ability to be authentic.

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In the story of Wicked, Elphaba spends her life as an outcast because of her green skin. This experience of suffering impacts her view of the world and who she grows up to be. Because of her differences, Elphaba cannot live behind a curtain as easily as the wizard. By accepting herself and the things that have happened to her, she is an example of the practice of radical acceptance. Elphaba never tries to be perfect or to be someone who everyone likes; instead, she tries to be her whole self.

Accepting our whole selves is not a cop-out to justify not making changes in our lives. Carl Rogers points out, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” (p. 38) The act of acceptance is a powerful one, and a difficult one. The practice of radical self-acceptance acknowledges and holds lovingly our whole selves. This includes the parts of us that we don’t like, the parts that we’re ashamed of, and the parts that we don’t want to share with others. What if it were OK that we’re not perfect? What if we strove instead to be whole?

How a story is told changes the meaning of what we hear. In Wicked, we’re asked to see things from a different perspective, and we learn things about the villain in the story that change everything. Suddenly, good and bad are harder to determine. Real life is like that, too; it can be messy, murky, and beautiful all at the same time. In our own lives, we are the authors of the story. We get to decide how we want to see ourselves. Challenging our self-judgments and accepting all parts of ourselves can help us stay connected to our own authenticity.

Reference:

Brach, T. (2003). Radical acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a buddha. New York: Bantam Bell.

According to a new study led by Panayotes Demakakos of the Department of Epidemiology and Public Health at University College London, older people with depression walk slower than their peers who do not have depression. Gait speed, or the speed that a person walks, is influenced by a host of factors, including physical ability, range of motion, musculoskeletal health, and mental health. Although there has been some evidence that psychological conditions can affect gait by way of diminished physical health, there is little research focused on examining a direct link between gait speed and psychological health, and in particular, depression.

Demakakos wanted to explore how depression and gait speed were related and also to evaluate whether their influence was bidirectional. In particular, Demakakos wanted to find out if older individuals with depression had slower gait speeds than those without, and if slow gait speeds predicted depression in older individuals.

Using a sample of 4,581 individuals over age 60, Demakakos measured depressive symptoms and gait speed across a six-year period. The results revealed that people with slow gait speeds had a higher risk of developing depression in the two years following assessment than those with average gait speeds. Further, Demakakos also discovered that depressive symptoms were directly linked to slow gait speeds.

The results can be interpreted in many ways. First, as people age, they experience declines in physical health and mobility. These factors can decrease gait speed and by limiting physical ability, can eventually erode mental well-being and put people at risk for depression. Second, as depressive symptoms increase, physical mobility can become impaired, pain can increase and fatigue can set in, all of which combine to decrease walking speed.

The results presented here were consistent even after demographic factors such as marital status, socioeconomic status, and gender were taken into consideration. In sum, this study shows that gait speed could act as an early indicator for depression. Demakakos added, “These findings point to depression as a modifiable risk that needs to be targeted by disability prevention programs at older ages.”

Reference:
Demakakos, P., Cooper, R., Hamer, M., de Oliveira, C., Hardy, R., et al. (2013). The bidirectional association between depressive symptoms and gait speed: Evidence from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing (ELSA). PLoS ONE 8(7): e68632. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0068632

“Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love.” – Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving

Self-Nurture through Self-Mirroring

Finding a way to emotionally take care of ourselves when we are alone is an individual process of self-discovery. One way to truthfully see ourselves is through collage therapy. Collage therapy is a simple form of art therapy that does not require drawing or painting. It can help you see your inner life in a fresh way. We all project personal meaning onto everything we see. If we are having trouble verbalizing what we are feeling, we can mirror our emotions through spontaneous collage.

Choosing imagery spontaneously, and then seeing what feelings and ideas arise, can incite new understanding about what you unconsciously believe about yourself and how you feel about your life. Whenever you feel strong feelings that you do not fully understand, take a few moments to spontaneously choose some imagery from an old magazine. Cut out and glue your pictures down without much thought. Then take a few minutes to contemplate what you have chosen.

The Loneliness of Individuation

As we learn to express ourselves more authentically, our particularity asserts itself into our life, and we may begin to feel misunderstood by those around us. Many years ago, I put together a spontaneous collage about loneliness when I was discovering my true life path. At the time, I was discovering new strengths and gifts inside of myself and I excitedly tried to share my newly discovered authenticity with the people in my life. But few at the time seemed to understand what I was going through. I was mistakenly looking outside of myself to be mirrored for my inner truths.

I was not yet devoted to mirroring myself to myself. I was still looking for validation from the outside. I was still looking for other people to help me feel good about myself. Sitting alone with ourselves is not always easy. Difficult emotions that we do not want to feel tend to come into our awareness when we are quiet and alone. We can mistake these uncomfortable feelings as loneliness instead of seeing the emotional awareness that is trying to rise. It is during such times of emotional discomfort that is becomes easy to fall into unhealthy distractions. Thinking we are lonely, we may want to spend time with people in ways that are not healthy or meaningful to divert our attention away from what feels emotionally uncomfortable inside.

Instead of spending time in ways that are merely distracting us from what we feel, we could turn towards our inner strength and creativity during our alone time instead. Being alone is a fruitful time to tend to our emotions in order to understand how we feel on a more truthful level. When we start to see our deeper thoughts and feelings more carefully—in the outer projection of our collage—we realize that we have a distinctiveness that wants to reveal itself. We consider that we may never be able to rely on other people to know the total depths of who we are, but we can choose to know ourselves profoundly. When we realize that we need to do our own inner work, without insisting on validation from others, we may begin to feel lonely.

Strength in Loneliness

As we become more authentically expressive and self-examining of all our feelings, we might find that some of the relationships we have been hiding in no longer support our fullest self-expression. Some people do not leave unhealthy relationships because they fear loneliness more that they fear abuse. If we have felt abandoned, shunned, or ignored for expressing our true feelings as children, the loneliness of true self-expression can be a primal place of fear. The genuine loneliness of authenticity can feel piercing to the core when we have received little validation for how we felt in the past.

Our authentic self-expression can feel like it is the exact place where we have not been loved in the past, yet it is this very place where we need to learn how to love ourselves. As we progressively delve into our uniqueness, however, we grow to understand that we can find self-love and emotional strength in the aloneness of our unique personhood. As we become more honest about expressing the truth of our feelings, the fear of not being loved and accepted can intensify at first. But it is in our most alone places, when we are willing to stay in supportive witness to our arising truths, that we can find the love we crave.

Emotional Self-Connection Heals Loneliness

It is our own emotional self-connection that heals loneliness. We can be surrounded by people, but if we are not authentically expressing who we are, we will feel lonely. When we feel authentically connected to ourselves, we feel connected with others. When we begin to know who we truly are, we can reach out for help in ways that are healing instead of hindering to our emotional growth. We can start to build a support system that can help us further develop into our unique strengths in the world.

We can extend ourselves in healthy ways towards genuine friendships with people on similar life paths. When we are in touch with our deeper truths we will start to gravitate towards people who nurture their own unique personhood and who respect our individuality. As we come to know how to soothe our painful feelings without demanding that other people do it for us, we deepen into a self-nurturance that is kind and mature. We can choose to become deeply present to our emotional life. As we tend to our own emotional needs, we discover the warmth and abiding friendship of the true self.

People often tell me that they have problems maintaining calm and respectful communication with their partner even though they intended to. They start out fine, but can’t follow through when their partner responds in disrespectful or angry ways. Some of these couples need the presence of an experienced couples therapist to be able to maintain calm and repair disruptions.

This article offers a communication model that outlines how to practice maintaining communication regarding how you feel in an honest and open way while keeping your calm. This is not about feeling good or even comfortable. This is about practicing staying calm even though you feel hurt and angry.

The rationale for this is having a fuller understanding of each other’s perspectives. Feeling angry doesn’t necessarily mean that you are bound to break up. It means that there is something you need to take care of.

If you manage to find solutions together, you will feel closer, safer, and understood on a deeper level. Imagine explaining to your partner that you are hurt and angry in a calm way. Also, imagine that your partner is able to hear you and respond in a loving way.

Because it is easier to express positive feelings and talk about what’s right in your relationship, I will recommend that you start with five positive statements about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Build from the following, if you like:

1. What do you love about your partner?
2. What do you love about the relationship?
3. What is most important to you?
4. Give a concrete example of what makes you feel loved.
5. Give a concrete example of what you look forward to.

Expressing your love, appreciation, and willingness to stay connected and find solutions together is essential for your partner’s willingness to hear you out and consider your requests and proposed solutions to problems you are having.

[fat_widget_left]Expressing feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and sadness is a lot harder and takes some consideration. If you are able to stay calm and collected while you talk about your feelings, your chances of staying on track are higher. If you avoid blaming your partner and instead talk about what you feel, think, and what is important to you and why, it is more likely that your partner will respond positively.

Try to make it easier for your partner to listen to you and refrain from interrupting you and subsequently defending herself/himself. Try to make your statements more about yourself than about your partner. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. Self-expression is about defining yourself and what is most important to you, which is not easy when you are feeling upset and hurt.

It is natural in a relationship to feel at times that the other person is to blame. However, if you consider the matter, you will become aware that you have a responsibility for your own responses and reactions, and how you function as a partner has an influence on the relationship. Your feelings are your own, and to blame others for them is not conductive for your individual or relationship growth.

Before you start expressing feelings of anger and hurt, I recommend that you think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Consider the following:

1. What are your feelings? Do you feel angry, hurt, sad, scared, lonely, jealous, guilty, etc.?
2. Give concrete examples such as, “I feel scared when you don’t call.”
3. Focus more on what you feel, think, and want, not on your partner’s shortcomings. “I feel lonely and I miss what we used to do together.”
4. Tell your partner why it is important to you that you honestly and openly express your feelings. Make sure you explain that self-expression goes both ways, and that it takes courage to talk about feeling vulnerable. Showing vulnerabilities is a sign of strength, and talking openly and honestly about how you feel is not a weakness.
5. Be mindful of how you express yourself. Tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and eye contact are more important than most people think. Most of what you actually communicate to your partner has to do with how you communicate.
6. Be open and explicit about your intentions for having the conversation.
7. Make sure you are not having this conversation to get back at your partner. If you are very angry, you might feel vengeful. If that is the case, calm yourself and consider what is most important to you and what kind of partner you would like to be.

Don’t expect immediate success. Self-expression is a skill which takes practice to master. Ask for professional help if you need to.

An old high school classmate posed the question on his Facebook feed a few days ago: “Should we friend our exes on Facebook or is it equivalent to cheating?” Since couples therapy is my specialty, I was itching to think more about the question and posted a reply to his feed. The responses from others ran the gamut from “You should never friend a former lover!” to “Why not if your current relationship is a trusting one?” A couple of people openly confided in my high school buddy’s feed that Facebook aided infidelity and led to the demise of their marriage. One was the cheater, the other the “cheatee.” I was quite impressed with their candor and gut-wrenching vulnerability—both of them.

What are my thoughts on the question to friend or not to friend? In general, I am not black and white about espousing “rules to live by,” so know that first about my personality as a therapist. But I do think there are some things we can think about together in this article and you can think about with your partner later. Use this article as a conversation starter if you need help.

1. Is Facebook replacing any kind of hole inside of you? You may be longing for some attention, longing to feel like you matter, and it may be outside of your awareness. Or you may know you want something but won’t ask for it from your partner. It is good to know fully that, “Yes, I want more attention,” so that you aren’t easily seduced into mistaking the attention of a former lover on Facebook as the remedy to a more common longing we human animals all feel from time to time—loneliness. The antidote is to talk it over with your partner. “I miss you.” “I want more attention.”
2. Are you able to be honest in your relationship? A colleague of mine, Julia Flood, wrote a great piece on what she calls “liars” and “lie invitees.” Couples unwittingly set the stage for cheating when they block truth telling. Sweeping things under the carpet/conflict avoidance, exploding in response to truth, and suffocating our partner are all deterrents to telling hard truths, such as “I feel mad and hurt when I am the only one managing our budget,” or, “Your drinking worries me,” or, “We aren’t having sex and I want to talk about how to reignite passion.” Being in a relationship is hard, and telling the truth makes you vulnerable, but not telling the truth can create the perfect agar for Facebook’s “ex accessibility factor” luring one into a potential danger zone. Both partners are involved in creating a ripe atmosphere for honesty.
3. Do you lead a purpose-driven life? In the early stages of love, we are intoxicated by love hormones of dopamine and norepinephrine … and then they wear off and are replaced by the cozy oxytocin hormones, and somewhere around two years we can get bored. Believing our relationship has lost its staying power, we might seek comfort by seeking out a “new” other to get that high back. All couples eventually reach a natural developmental phase of comfort, but the shift in romantic excitement does not spell impending doom. Unfortunately, romantic love has become so idealized in our culture that people get religious about pursuing it, says Robert Johnson in his book, WE. We may get addicted to this dopamine high or have misinformation about the natural rhythm of long-term relationships and start trolling Facebook to get our “fix” and find ourselves flirting with an ex. Esther Perel, in her book Mating in Captivity, encourages individuals to lead a life of personal fulfillment and purpose and have enough space between you and your partner that you can see your partner set ablaze by his or her life. Watching our partners in the act of doing something they are taking personal fulfillment in is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
4. What did you learn about love and sexual desire growing up? Stella Resnick does a nice job of laying out how and why we often don’t lust after those we love and often can’t love those we lust after in her book, The Heart of Desire. She says, “In my view, the love-lust dilemma is not an inherent aspect of human sexuality but rather an artifact of a society that unwittingly primes us from childhood through adulthood to separate love from sexual desire” (Resnik, 9). If that is the case, then Facebook becomes an easy way to find someone to be “in lust” with and avoid repairing that societal wounding we might carry about love and sex.
5. Is it OK for you and your partner to be different? The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and many couples-therapist masters, such as David Schnarch, Esther Perel, and Terry Real, are proponents of not replacing the two individuals in relationship with a “big ball of we.” If we can freely express and listen to our differences and appreciate what makes us and our partners tick, with curiosity and a little humor there is a chance for both closeness and individuality—and that sustains interest in each other over the long haul. Our partner isn’t meant to be “everything” to us. It would be nice if our partners read our mind or could always clean the bathroom sink the way we do. It harkens back to our early childhood when our parents tended to every need without us having to ask. That brain circuitry from childhood gets lit up in romantic love, and we pull for our partner to be “the perfect parent” to us. Parentifying our partner usually happens unconsciously, and then we get enraged when they aren’t perfect at the gig or don’t want to play. It is hard to rewire that circuitry and to look and see that standing in front of us is just another human who is different than us whom we have chosen to be in relationship with over the long haul as an adult, not a child. Facebook is such an attractive way to not have to complete this necessary development of individuating from our partner. Couples therapy helps us embrace our partner’s humanity and our own in this “differentiated” way so we can continue our journey as a couple without the Facebook bait.

Long-term romantic relationships make demands on us as human animals to grow and complete some developmental stalemates from our younger life. We never had to grow past these when marriage was about duty. This new era of coupling for love necessitates learning some relating skills often picked up from a good couples therapist. With a solid relationship foundation, Facebook flirting stands a distant second place to the vitality of an honest relationship.

References:

1. Flood, Julia (2013). The Truth About Lies. [ONLINE] Available at: http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-truth-about-lies.html. Last accessed 8 July 2013.
2. Johnson, Robert A., (2009). WE: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love. 2nd ed. USA: HarperOne.
3. Perel, Esther, (2007). Mating in Captivity. 1st ed. USA: Harper Perennial.
4. Resnick, Stella, (2012). The Heart of Desire Keys to the Pleasures of Love. 1st ed. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

If you walked in on your partner masturbating, what do you think you would feel? Most people don’t ask themselves this question until it happens. They may assume that their partner has no need to masturbate because they believe they have a “healthy” sex life, while others avoid the thought of their partner masturbating because it may lead to other questions: Who is the person thinking about? What is he or she looking at?

Have you asked yourself what is healthy and unhealthy regarding masturbation in your relationship? Do you and your partner even discuss masturbation? Some couples wonder whether masturbation can hurt their relationship. Other couples don’t even discuss the topic.

Here are five ways masturbation could, in fact, hurt your relationship:

1. You are looking forward to masturbating more than being with your partner.

Your partner could feel neglected or not desired if you prefer to masturbate rather than sexually connect with him or her.

2. You masturbate to the point of self-injury.

If you are at the point of self-injury, you may be experiencing compulsive masturbation, which can lead to other challenges in your relationship.

3. You feel shame regarding your masturbation.

Shame can present itself because of religious/spiritual beliefs, media messages, or family views. It can lead to secrecy or even maintaining a double life of sorts around your sexual behavior.

4. It interferes with work.

People who use masturbation as a coping mechanism for stress may masturbate privately at work. Aside from possible ramifications professionally, this can lead to other possible unhealthy stress-management behaviors. If you are turning to non-relational relief as a form of dealing with stress versus relational relief, you may be inclined to hold in difficult feelings and not share them with the people who care about you most.

5. You tried unsuccessfully to decrease or stop masturbating.

One of the criteria for addictive behaviors is an unsuccessful attempt to stop the behavior. Masturbation may increase in frequency, and you may feel helpless to stop. You may want to consult a professional if you relate with this.

These points are not about whether masturbation itself is healthy or unhealthy, but rather when it could potentially damage the relationship. Either together or with the help of a therapist, couples should discuss their views on masturbation in their relationship and come to an agreement that both parties feel comfortable with.

If you think you are engaging in addictive behaviors, consult a trained professional who has experience working with sexually compulsive behaviors.