Sad girl in chair with parents in backgroundWe know that when a marriage ends it is the parents who are divorcing. But do we think about the fact that our children aren’t getting a divorce, they are getting two households in which to continue living with their family. Their parents relationship is changing to something different than they have yet experienced. What do you need to think about so that your children are taken care of as well as possible? For some, the question is what rights do children have in a divorce? Here’s a list that is a good place to start.

1. Children have the right to live in a conflict-free zone. Your children should not have to go back and forth between two homes feeling the anger and tension between their parents. The best way to deal with this is to take care of the issues you are in conflict over. Find a way to work out your disagreements. Work with a third party if necessary, but keep the conflict out of the co-parenting relationship so it is out of the lives of your children. When children do not do well after their parent’s divorce, this is the number one reason why that is the case.

2. Children have the right to love each of their parents. Your children should be able to feel and express that love without interference from anyone. You may have an opinion of your ex that you feel your child needs to be taught about so they can be better protected. Unless your ex is truly dangerous and a court has found this to be true, do not subject your children to your beliefs that make it difficult for them to be in your presence and also feel love for their other parent. The other parent has also had a part in creating your children. Children will sometimes become safe-hating if they perceive that they have traits that are similar to the other parent. This may play out differently depending on the age of the child. It is important to consider it no matter the age.

[fat_widget_left]3. Children have the right to not be the emotional support for their parents during the divorce. When your child is growing up, your relationship with them changes. They are more able to have heartfelt conversations with you and can understand more complex emotions. When you are going through a divorce and you have a developing relationship with your teenage child, it is very tempting to tell them about what is going on for you in the way they have started to tell you what is going on for them and how they are thinking about the world. It is not the time to start telling them about your divorce and your feelings and your concerns. You are talking with them about their other parent, not your boss or friend with whom they do not have their own relationship. Protect them from the information that will be a burden for them to know. Do not ask your child to take care of you by listening and being your support. It is true you are in an emotionally difficult time in your life and you may need more care taking than usual. You should get taken care of in an appropriate place so you are best able to take care of your children while their world is changing as well. Keep in mind that children often like it when they are treated like adults. They will not tell you it is not what they want because they might like the newfound intimacy they are having in their children while their world is changing as well. Keep in mind that children often like it when they are treated like adults. They will not tell you it is not what they want because they might like the newfound intimacy they are having in their relationship with you.

4. Children have the right to not feel responsible for their parent’s divorce. It sometimes happens that children believe their parents are getting divorced because of something they did. They can feel responsible for the fights you have because of something they asked for that you may have disagreed on. They may think their behaviors when told they had done something wrong could contribute to their family changing in this very big way. Children believe their actions have more far-reaching effects than is actually the case. Feelings of guilt and shame often accompany these thoughts and they are not always shared with anyone. When telling your children you are divorcing it is helpful to make sure they know that there was nothing they did to bring this about and it is most helpful if you can tell them together.

5. Children have the right to not be the messenger for their parents. Because it seems logistically easier, backpacks, suitcases, notebooks, etc. that belong to your children are often thought to be appropriate conduits for material that needs to go back and forth between households. This is very often problematic. Children should not be the messengers for support checks, important papers, etc. It sometimes happens that the material that is brought with them in the transition is upsetting to the receiving parent. Perhaps the amount of the check is not what they had expected or the paperwork is inflammatory. This has the impact of your child feeling as though they are the reason you are not happy and they are somehow at fault. It is very important that your children not take part in any exchanges between you. They deserve to be protected from the information you are sending to the other parent.

These are just a few of many things to be aware of as you go through this process. It helps to try to look through the world periodically through the eyes of your child.

Dyadic play therapy is a form of play therapy that allows parents who have themselves suffered trauma, the opportunity to address their own symptoms and attend to the strained attachment with their child. But very often, the parents are resistant to this form of treatment. “For adult survivors of childhood trauma, psychotherapy can be both necessary and highly threatening,” said Mirisse F. Foroughe and Robert T. Muller of York University. The researchers authored a paper that explains the obstacles and benefits to dyadic play therapy. “The conditions and processes of dyadic play therapy may be experienced as threatening to parents by triggering early memories of intra-familial trauma while challenging avoidant defenses. Yet these very processes may be helpful in facilitating therapeutic change.”

Parents with traumatic childhoods may see the tools used by their children in play therapy, such as toys and artwork, as triggers for their own pain and may experience overwhelming and frightening memories and emotions. “Dyadic play therapy, with its focus on parent-child attachment, tends to activate the attachment system, making the process of therapy especially challenging for those who are much more comfortable closing themselves off from painful relational experiences.” The authors advise clinicians to realize this and take the necessary steps to be prepared for varying reactions from parents.

Several components of play therapy can prevent progress for parents. “In contrast to individual psychotherapy, the dyadic condition also inherently places the parent in a position of vulnerability, in part because they are ‘under the spotlight’ as a parent but also because, with the child present, the parent cannot dismiss attachment-related issues as readily.” However, they added that the benefits of this type of therapy can be enormous, for both the child and the parent. They said, “The pattern of interactions between parent and child often brings the parent’s own trauma history to light, and, with the acceptance and support of the therapist through this process, the parent can then become an agent of change in the parent-child relationship.”

Reference:
Foroughe, M. F., & Muller, R. T. (2011, March 28). Dismissing (Avoidant) Attachment and Trauma in Dyadic Parent-Child Psychotherapy. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0023061

Woman eatingI was thinking about the phrase, “Food is love”; thinking about how this idea came to be. I often hear people say that food is a means by which their mothers or grandmothers expressed their love for family members. Sometimes their stories conjure images of warm kitchens filled with wonderful smells and family members connecting over delicious meals. But sometimes they’ll tell me things like, “She would keep putting food on my plate, even after I said I was full,” or, “It would hurt her feelings if someone didn’t eat everything she gave them.” When I hear things like this, I think not of love, but of boundary violations and invalidation of the eater’s feelings and needs.

To consider the notion of food as love, it’s important to clarify what love is. I like the definition M. Scott Peck offers in his book, The Road Less Traveled. Peck defines love not as a feeling, but as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” In other words, love is the willingness to go beyond our comfort zones in service of what is best for ourselves or another.

From this perspective, we see how a caregiver loving a child instills in that child the awareness of his or her own worth, value and lovableness. When we are young, we can’t feed ourselves. We are fed by our caregivers, and the act of being fed, of receiving physical nourishment from our caregivers, is entwined with receiving emotional nurturing. If, as infants, our signs of hunger are recognized and we are put to the breast or cuddled with a bottle, our caregiver gazing into our eyes, we learn from the beginnings of our lives that our needs matter, that they are being seen and heard and honored and that someone is looking out for us. The relationship between feeder and eater is tender and sweet. Our caregivers are feeding us, whether or not it’s convenient for them, because we need nourishment and our needs matter. Being fed is an act of being loved.

As we grow, we learn words for the experiences of hunger and fullness. The transaction between child and caregiver is a dance that shapes our awareness of being seen and heard. If we say we are hungry, and then we are fed or are gently told that dinner will be soon and we’re given a snack to tide us over, and if we say we are full and are validated in stopping eating, our trust in our perceptions is strengthened. If we are made to wait until mealtime regardless of how hungry we are, or if we are told to clean our plates even after we are full, we can construe that our internal experiences of hunger or fullness are wrong, unimportant, or even nonexistent.

If we are raised by someone who uses food to express her caring for us (and I say “her” because it’s usually a woman in this role) by feeding us without regard for how much food we actually need, it can become easy to confuse the overriding of our bodies’ signals that we are full with being loved. We might confuse focusing on the feelings of the person feeding us rather than our own needs, with love. We may find ourselves in relationships as adults in which we subjugate our own needs to the other person’s feelings.

As we get older and become more able to fend for ourselves, we learn to feed ourselves, perhaps first with snacks, and later with meals. We develop our own internal relationships between the “feeder” part of us and the “eater” part of us. If we see eating as a relationship between these parts of self, one in which we express to ourselves the importance of our health and well-being, then the “feeder” part will be attuned to the “eater” part, noticing our hunger and attending to our nutritional needs. If eating is about soothing ourselves emotionally or molding our bodies into a certain size or shape, then the “feeder” part is operating in response to cues other than our bodies’ needs, and the “eater” part can come to desire food for reasons other than physical sustenance.

Our relationships with food offer important clues to the nature of our relationships with ourselves, and changing our relationships with food can be instrumental in changing our relationships with ourselves. Feeding ourselves as a nurturing parent would a child, honoring our needs for nutrition with compassion, attending to both our emotional needs for comfort and soothing and our physical needs for nourishment, can communicate to ourselves that we deserve time, attention, and care, whether we believe it or not. And the more we do it—the more our “feeder” parts tend to our “eater” parts in this way—the more we’ll believe it.  If food is love, then eating is the most important thing we do.

Steroid use is believed to cause rage, commonly referred to as “Roid Rage.” But a new study suggests that the anger resulting from increased levels of testosterone may actually merely be a means to an end. “The link between aggression and testosterone has sparked the interest of many kinds of people, from a fan wondering whether anabolic steroids might be responsible for his favorite athlete’s wild antics to the scientist hypothesizing about the biological processes involved in violence,” said Carly K. Peterson and Eddie Harmon-Jones, researchers from Texas A&M University and authors of the study. “Instead, researchers now believe that testosterone plays a role in a broader picture involving power and dominance as opposed to aggression per se. That is, testosterone may facilitate behaviors aimed at obtaining and maintaining power and dominance. It is possible testosterone relates to aggression only because aggression can be one of many ways that people attempt to exert control over others.”

The researchers enlisted 43 students for their study and took saliva samples at the beginning of the study to measure cortisol and testosterone levels. The students were given a neutral activity for 5 minutes, followed by a stressful, competitive virtual game. They were led to believe they were competing with other people and the game was designed so that the students were included during the play for half of the game, and completely ostracized for the other half, causing them to experience heightened emotional arousal. At the end of the game, the students measured their emotions. Within fifteen minutes of the game ending, the team collected a second saliva sample. The results revealed that anger was the only emotion that was linked to increases in testosterone. The team believes that the participants needed to be included and dominate the game as a result of higher levels of testosterone. They added, “Although we believe that a motivation to regain control may assist in explaining the observed correlation between self-reported anger and testosterone, future research is necessary to elucidate the precise mechanisms underlying the link between anger and testosterone.”

Reference:
Peterson, C. K., & Harmon-Jones, E. (2011, September 12). Anger and Testosterone: Evidence That Situationally-Induced Anger Relates to Situationally-Induced Testosterone. Emotion. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0025300

Father and son playing with paper airplaneLast week, I had the honor of attending and speaking at Postpartum Support International’s 25th Annual Conference in Seattle, WA. I was moved and inspired by the amazing work gestating and being born in the perinatal world by so many compassionate professionals. (Refresher: “perinatal” refers to the time from conception, through pregnancy, on through the first year after having a baby.)

My dear colleague Gabrielle Kaufman, BC-DMT, NCC and I presented a workshop on special needs parenting as relates to the family experiencing perinatal challenges. Both Gabrielle and I have found in our practices a large number of women and families who are impacted by the double whammy of a perinatal mood/anxiety disorder (PMAD), coupled with parenting a special needs child. We felt it was important to highlight this population of folks who are in great need of resources and support. Although this subject could be an entire week-long conference, we discussed the following highlights that are pertinent for special needs families and the people that support them.

It’s hard to define special needs, as we all are special and we all have challenges. We choose to define special needs as a child in a family system who is experiencing the challenge of a neurological, emotional, behavioral, developmental, or physical disability. This challenge affects the entire family system on several levels.

  1. One in 10 children have a disability (neurological, emotional, behavioral, developmental, physical)
  2. Parents of special needs children are more at risk for depression and anxiety
  3. Couples (parents) of special needs children benefit from support such as psychotherapy and regular date nights (50% or more of all special needs couples divorce)
  4. “Neurotypical” siblings benefit from support in the form of sibling support groups, one-on-one attention from parents, and open-ended discussion of feelings/solutions to concerns associated with being a special needs family (i.e., role-playing how to handle being in public with special needs sibling, preventing parentification, etc.)
  5. Stigma is real and exists, even in the 21st century. Therefore, family discussions need to happen to address this concern and to build social support networks.
  6. Family/couple/individual therapy and support groups were found to be helpful in buffering the effects of stress and lowering depression/anxiety in these family systems in several studies
  7. The special needs family is exposed to chronic stress and therefore requires an ongoing stress management program that will lower the effects of cortisol and adrenaline (the fight or flight response) that develop. For example, self-care, yoga, psychotherapy, respite care, support groups.

Below are some helpful resources we found to be beneficial.

Resources

Organizational Aids:

Books:

Parental Self-Care:

Other Materials:

This list of resources is far from comprehensive, as every day the Web has new sites on the special needs family. We chose to highlight a few websites and books which we found to be helpful for our clients and our practice, as perinatal psychotherapists.

For individuals who attempt to maintain a perfect persona, criticism can be difficult to accept. But a new study suggests that perfectionists who receive negative feedback may actually ruminate more and experience increased symptoms of social anxiety and depression. “Implicit in the perfectionism social disconnection model is the notion that people with high levels of interpersonal perfectionism have a heightened sense of interpersonal sensitivity and a tendency to react intensely to negative social feedback,” said researchers from York University. The team, in collaboration with researchers from the University of British Columbia and Brock University, added, “Moreover, the tendency to ruminate about negative interpersonal events involving interpersonal offenses directed at the self should further exacerbate the distress reactions of individuals with higher levels of perfectionism.” They noted that people who exhibit high levels of perfectionism tend to dwell on comments and offensive behaviors of others that are directed to them and can lead to an overall diminished sense of life satisfaction and negative mood.

In order to determine how negative feedback affected the symptoms of depression and social anxiety, as well as the level of rumination in perfectionists, the team enlisted 155 college students for their study. They evaluated the students using the Perfectionistic Self-Presentation Scale, the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, the Social Feedback Questionnaire, the Rumination About an Interpersonal Offense and other tools designed to measure anxiety and depression. They discovered that the participants with the highest levels of perfectionism ruminated most frequently. “All six perfectionism dimensions, including self-oriented perfectionism and other-oriented perfectionism, were associated significantly with rumination about an interpersonal offense, but the association with the need to avoid appearing imperfect was strongest,” said the researchers. “Negative social feedback and interpersonal rumination were also correlated with both depressive symptoms and social anxiety.” They added, “Therefore, it seems as though interpersonal and social– cognitive processes, such as ruminating about an interpersonal offense and perceiving a high frequency of negative feedback from others, play instrumental roles in the distress experienced by certain highly perfectionistic individuals.”

Reference:
Nepon, T., Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., & Molnar, D. S. (2011, September 12). Perfectionism, Negative Social Feedback, and Interpersonal Rumination in Depression and Social Anxiety. Canadian Journal of  Behavioural Science/Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0025032

Illustrations of three dancersWhat did you first think of when you saw that an article titled “Bodies and Identity” was posted on a mental health care blog? Likely, words such as “anorexia,” “bulimia,” and “compulsive eating” ran through your head. An article about bodies and body image is often assumed to be about negative body image. We’re so used to talking about bodies as problems that need to be overcome, addressed, or “worked on” that a direct relationship between bodies and negative body image is almost a reflex. But what does “body image” really mean? In what way does how we see our bodies impact how we see ourselves? And how does our identity impact how we see our bodies?

Watching a baby interact with his or her body is a great way to remember all of the different ways people can relate to their bodies. With rapt attention, a baby will stare at a hand, looking at how it moves, sucking on it to see what it feels like. Babies spend a lot of time figuring out where their bodies end and where their parents’ bodies begin. It strikes me that in our cultural obsession with our bodies in relationship to others and the media as adults, we’re still trying to determine where the boundary between ourselves and others lies.

In her book, Bodies, psychotherapist Susie Orbach (2009) remarks on how the relationship between body and self in Western culture has changed over time. Before industrialization, our bodies were used to make things. Working class bodies allowed farmers to plant, tend, and harvest their crops; craftsmen used their bodies to manipulate wood, metal, stone, and fabric to create the objects needed to survive. The body image that is upheld as ideal today—thin, tan and muscular—was the result of the daily physical labor of the working class and the poor. Today this visual aesthetic plasters the covers of magazines, television, and the internet, but it carries a different meaning. A body that is lean, tan, and muscular shows that a person has the resources, time, and privilege to work on their body. Bodies are no longer used to make things; instead we are encouraged to make our bodies, as “Our bodies are and have become a form of work. The body is turning from being the means of production to the production itself” (Orbach, 2009 p. 8).

These days our bodies often act as a vehicle to share things about our identities with other people. The color of our skin, the shape of our features, our hair and eye color, the way we dress, how we carry ourselves, and even the jewelry we wear often act as a way to tell others about our race, ethnicity, cultural background, age, socioeconomic status, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, and our personal values. Some of these aspects we have control over, and others we don’t. Because it’s so entrenched in our lives we often forget that the visual body that we share with others is carefully crafted through the choices we make.

This brief discussion of the connections between identities and bodies only begins to touch on some of the deeper issues that people experience while navigating this intersection. For example, the way that women’s bodies have been sexualized or desexualized depending on race, class, and culture marks women as objects and impacts how women see themselves and the world around them. This objectification is perpetuated by sexism, and continues to control the lives of both men and women by creating unrealistic expectations and a hierarchical power dynamic kept in check by popular media.

More and more objectification is also beginning to be applied to men’s bodies. The meaning of “body image” is shifted from a personal understanding and relationship with our bodies, to a terrible dilemma filled with shame and guilt. But what if our relationship with our bodies focused on being in them instead of how we look in them? What if we were able to be more aware of how our bodies felt and less aware of how others perceived them?

Our bodies shape our identity, and our identity is intricately linked with the body that we were born into. Exploring these connections can open up new areas of understanding and integration as we struggle to navigate intersecting identities in a polarized world.

References:
Orbach, S. (2009). Bodies. New York: Picador.

A colorful wooden spoon sits next to a stew with many ingredients; snap-peas and fresh herbs surround the bowl.Why is being multiculturally-minded vital for improving people’s wellbeing? The answer, surprisingly, can be found in our kitchens.

Kitchens?

People from diverse backgrounds often laugh, nod, smile, and clap when they hear me stating, “for bicultural or multicultural individuals and families, the standard-sized kitchen is never big enough; these kitchens are not designed for multicultural people.”

Yes, kitchens.

Picture some of the stuff I have in my Asian-American kitchen: rice cooker, deep fryer, crock-pot, two sets of steamers (Chinese and American), hot water pots, coffee pot, two sets of tea pots, espresso maker, indoor grill, wok, skillet, saucepan, two sets of dinnerware, two sets of kitchen knives, and a really wide range of sauces and condiments (e.g., soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, apple cider vinegar, Chinese black and white vinegars).

Now imagine opening my multicultural refrigerator. You will see tofu (of all kinds), cheese (of all kinds), wines (Chinese, Napa, and Oregon), pickles, Chinese pickles, and vegetables and fruits from different parts of the world.

I am neither a hoarder nor a foodie. Many friends consider me a person who lives a simple life. I also do not like my kitchen being so crowded, because, at times, too many choices and too much knowledge is confusing and frustrating. Moreover, I have been subjected to some unintentionally judgmental looks and comments about my kitchen. “You must choose,” “You have too much stuff,” “You are an American.”

However, this crowded and diverse kitchen is a reflection of who I am. I connect with, have lived in, understand, and enjoy both cultures. Both the black bean paste short-ribs my mom made and the BBQ short-ribs my advisor made are delicious, but they can not replace each other, and I have both sauces in my kitchen.

Once, an individual in an audience shared, “My family is Mexican-Italian-American, we have three sets of stuff, and the counter is not big enough for the microwave, coffee maker, tortilla warmer, and the pasta maker!”

But you already know that I am not only talking about kitchens. The kitchen is a metaphor. Think about being familiar with and identifying with different aspects of two or more cultures: value systems, manners, house layouts, dress codes, expression of emotions, behaviors, holidays, traditions, expectations, responsibilities, ways of coping, etc. Whenever a multicultural individual makes a decision (consciously or subconsciously) or takes in information, this person has at least three sets of value systems and criteria to think through. Having these lenses of identity to filter things through is extremely confusing and exhausting.

You think, wait, why at least three sets of values systems?”

For example, all bi-cultural individuals will have at least three sets of knowledge: Cultural A, Cultural B, and the intersection of both cultures. For example, an Asian-American person needs to learn that:

Nothing is simple in my kitchen. At times, I do not know how to act, because I want to avoid being judged or misunderstood. For example, if you come to my house and ask for a spoon—I will have to stop and think, do you want a Chinese soup spoon, Korean spoon, or one of the American spoons (dessert, tea, dinner)? Now, imagine the questions a multicultural person may go through when asked, say, to be assertive—Where? What? To whom? By what cultural standard? How will people from two different cultures see me?

A kitchen designed for a single culture will not be big enough for a multicultural individual, unless this multicultural individual hides, leaves, or staggers things. By a single-culture kitchen’s standard, the multicultural individual’s kitchen may seem to be unorganized, too crowded, or that of a hoarder. But as culturally responsive clinicians, we have to ask—is it a kitchen design problem or the individual’s problem? How many of us would willingly cut or give up things that are part of us just because there is not enough space?

Yes, you are correct. I am talking about the theories that were developed many years ago that may not be applicable to people of different cultures or who are multicultural. Those theories are like single-cultural kitchens that do not fit multicultural individuals’ needs. I am talking about how many multicultural people’s experiences may be a result of their having at least three sets of knowledge. I am also encouraging all of us to inform, honor, and help ourselves and our multicultural individuals to understand why they feel their “kitchen” is not big enough.

Then, we and the people we work with, may be able to really start appreciating how much more work they have done and how rich their lives are, despite the unavoidable stress and constant managing and learning.

Worried woman with arm around sad manA person I’ve been close to for many years is going through the dying process. It has been slow and painful; at times evoking one of the most beautiful and poignant musical pieces I’ve ever encountered. It is “Agnus Dei” by Samuel Barber, a choral version of his beloved and well-known “Adagio for Strings.” The text is from the Latin mass and includes the phrase, “Have mercy on us.”

Now, mercifully, there is an end in sight for my loved one, but for those she leaves behind, the grief is palpable—at times dull and weighty, at others raw and biting, and frequently overwhelming.

Those who have gone or are going through the grieving process know how often all of our psychic resources are consumed with just getting through another day. It can feel like there is no room for creativity—only emptiness. But grieving presents an opportunity for both creativity and renewal; just as we have been changed by the relationship with our loved one, we will also be changed by the process of navigating through grief.

The weight of grief often feels like being imprisoned. One might wonder whether the pain will ever cease, and sometimes the restoration to function fully and enjoy life can seem far away. I imagine that it’s much like the feeling of a condemned prisoner.

I am reminded of the struggle of Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist who founded the discipline of logotherapy (a therapy based on existentialism—not the nihilist variety of much existentialist literature, but one founded in hope and understanding of the power of the individual to find meaning in suffering).

[fat_widget_grief_right]Frankl was imprisoned in four German concentration camps during World War II. He was initially accorded an elevated status because he was a doctor, but eventually he was consigned to the life of an ordinary inmate, not knowing what the outcome of each day would bring. Frankl refused to accept that he might not survive the camps. Realizing the power of thought and creative visualization, he resolved to envision a positive outcome to his ordeal. It was out of this experience that logotherapy was born.

Later, Frankl wrote a small, but powerful, book, titled Man’s Search for Meaning, in which he outlined his struggle and how—through the power of visualization—he triumphed over despair. Part one is devoted to sharing his personal story with the reader, and the second part discusses the essential questions that form the basis of logotherapy: “What is the meaning of this experience for me?” and “How can I have hope for the future?”

Frankl believed that the process of finding answers to these questions would provide a foundation for coping with adversity and a path toward living a more full and fruitful life. This allows for a person to be changed by the experience of their journey. A person can reinvent an understanding of both the journey’s significance and of personal capacity and strength.

Herein lies the connection between grief and creativity. Working through the meaning of the loss creates not only a new self-concept, but also a new worldview.

I often utilize logotherapy in my sessions with people who are dealing with painful issues related to death and dying, grief and loss, adjustment to illness and disability, and caregiver stress. Utilizing the core questions involved in the re-creation of one’s understanding of suffering and the meaning of life has often been equally helpful to those who believe in an afterlife or a higher purpose and those whose envision our mortal life as finite with no overarching meaning. Although I believe this work is difficult to do without the help of a trained professional, merely asking the questions—such as “What does this mean to me?”, “How am I changed by this experience?”, and “How can I go on?”—sets the framework for conceptualizing a beginning, middle, and ultimate ending to the grief process.

If you are finding it difficult to cope with your own losses, perhaps seeking help from an experienced grief counselor who will be present for you, listen, ask the right questions, and guide you through the grief process would be useful. By all means, reach out to others in your support system. Remember that humans have great capacity for resilience, and the process of developing, recognizing, utilizing, and celebrating that resilience is a highly creative one.

It’s OK to be fully present with our sense of loss, but we should try not to lose sight of the promise of change or the expectation of renewal. You can see your way through this loss, and you may be re-created in a way that is most unexpected.

Reference:

  1. Frankl, V. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Boston: Beacon Press.

Individuals with depression often experience uncontrollable negative thoughts. This process, known as rumination, has been found to be a major symptom of depression. In a recent study, Keisuke Takano and Yoshihiko Tanno, of the Department of Cognitive and Behavioral Science, Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, The University of Tokyo, examined the types and frequency of thoughts occurring in 68 depressed college students to determine the relationship between rumination and depression. They said, “A large body of recent studies has focused on a persistent, chronic form of self-focus as a trigger for psychological illnesses. Depressive rumination, which is conceptualized as the tendency to repetitively focus on symptoms of distress and the possible causes and consequences of these symptoms, is known to be a serious risk factor for depression.”

Using the experience sampling method (ESM), the participants were instructed to record their moods and thoughts at several different points throughout the day when prompted electronically. Over the course of seven days, the participants reported whether they felt distressed, upset, nervous, afraid, scared or jittery. The researchers asked the participants to identify the aspects of their thinking if it was unpleasant, uncontrollable and focused on self.

They discovered that the participants who experienced higher levels of all three aspects of thinking also had the highest levels of depression. “These results suggest that the self-focused thinking of trait ruminators is likely to be more negatively valenced and perceived as more uncontrollable,” said the team. Additionally, they found that the participants with high levels of depression were more likely to ruminate in the evening. “A number of studies suggest that presleep cognitive arousal—such as worry and rumination—leads to insomnia or poor sleep quality.” They added, “Investigating the causes and consequences of evening rumination would provide important insights into the mechanisms involved in the maintenance and exacerbation of depressive symptoms.”

Reference:
Takano, K., & Tanno, Y. (2011, April 25). Diurnal Variation in Rumination. Emotion. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0022757

Parents and teen kids talking“I don’t know.” Is it the stock answer teens give their parents for every question? Does it mean more than just a lack of an answer? How do we get them to speak to us and to have a conversation? There are ways to talk to teens, develop relationships through communication and not feel like an interrogator.

To get around the “I don’t know”, start by changing your attitude, mood, and how you start the conversation. Connect with them with a high energy greeting showing your good disposition. The frame of mind that you display sets the tone for the conversation. A high energy, happy greeting and smile goes a long way towards setting the mood and showing your child that you are happy and that they have nothing to fear by being open and honest with you. Teens, unless they prove to you otherwise, want their parents to be proud of, and accepting of, them. Set the stage of your conversation so that they are comfortable; help them by making it as easy as possible for them to talk to you. Ask questions that cannot be answered with just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response.

“I don’t know” is a response with many different meanings; it can be “no one has asked me that before” and “I genuinely have no idea how to answer”.  This is your chance to be silent and let them mull it over for a few moments. When you are silent, it puts the emphasis back on to the adolescent to come up with an answer. Show them that you are interested and receptive to what they are going to say. Your body language conveys your curiosity – lean forward, face them, make good eye contact without being overbearing, and be aware of the voice you use when you talk. After a few moments of quiet, change the question subtly but ask them the same basic question; continue to show them interest.  You can give them an idea by rephrasing your question to help spark their response.

At times, the response “I don’t know” means, “I have thought about it and I really do not have an idea or opinion one way or another”.  If you think their response means this, clarify it with them.  This is a valuable time to teach them and to share yourself openly to increase trust and amplify the quality of your relationship. Kindly ask questions and have a conversation about their thought process, find out where they were stuck in searching out an answer.  You can share your experience in how you would answer the question that you had asked.  When you share about yourself, keep it simple, brief and to the point. Remember that the conversation is about your child and their concerns; they have to grow and learn to live their own way.

Occasionally “I do not know” can mean, “the question you asked me is a poor one”, or “I do not understand what you are asking me”.  After you have given your teen a few moments to come up with a better answer and they appear not to understand, clarify your question by asking it in a different way.  Remember to avoid asking “why” questions.  These questions start with “why”, or include only the word “why”.  Often people do not understand why they did something, but just went through an action without a lot of consideration.  When you ask someone “why”, they are often put onto the spot and have to come up with a reason for their act instead of working with you to increase understanding.  A teenager put on the spot is frequently going to say anything that pops into their mind instead of really thinking through what they are being asked; hence, parents often are told, “I don’t know”.

Lastly, “I don’t know” can signify “I do not want to talk to you”, or “I do not want to talk about that subject”.  There are many ways to defuse this situation, including silence with receptive body language, clarifying that you need an answer, and giving an example answer.  An additional way to communicate when told “I don’t know” includes explaining to your teen that you understand that it is a sensitive subject and that you respect that they may not want to talk about it.  You can respect and understand that it is sensitive to them and you will treat them with respect, and offer to talk to them about the subject later or when they are ready, or after you both take a break from the conversation.

As your child uses “I don’t know” to push you away and tell you they do not want to talk to you, explain that your conversation is important and that you want to understand what is happening or are seeking an explanation.  Offer to help them help you, and seek out ways to understand what is happening when they push you away with their words.  Avoid creating a confrontation and an argument because you cannot make them talk to you; getting into an argument works to their advantage to avoid discussing what you are asking.  Recognize when you are getting upset or your teen is trying to get away from the conversation. Be receptive to letting the conversation wait for a better time in order to avoid a fight.  As they keep using “I don’t know” time and again, recover the conversation by explaining to them that you know what it means and that you are trying hard to communicate, respect them, and their opinions.

Talking to your children does not have to feel like a cross-examination, but can instead be satisfying banter.  Remember, “I don’t know” means: “no one has asked that before”; “I really do not know”; “I do not have an answer”; or, “I do not want to talk to you”.  You can try different means to get past the dismay that “I don’t know” causes parents and adults.  Keep your body language receptive and encourage communication with your silence, clarify your question, relate about yourself and explain that you understand them. Following these steps can help you increase communication and fortify the relationship you have with your child.

Researchers from several universities recently collaborated on a study to determine how genetic, environmental, and interpersonal factors influence the development of psychopathy. Psychopathy is characterized by lack of emotion, dysfunctional attachments, lack of remorse or guilt, and often antisocial tendencies, thought to be caused by genetic factors. The researchers sought to determine how environmental factors, such as peer influence, parenting, neglect, or abuse, affected two specific traits of psychopathy—fearless dominance (FD) and impulsive antisociality (IA).

Using the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R) and the Multidimensional Personality Questionnaire (MPQ), the researchers assessed 2,604 twins, all 17 years old, for several factors. They evaluated the parent-child relationship and social environment, including peer interactions. They assessed levels of antisociality and prosocial behaviors and also gauged academic performance in school. Additionally, the team looked at external events including legal issues, school problems, and other stressful life experiences.

They found that the male twins exhibited more psychopathic behaviors overall. “There was a moderate to large gender difference on MPQ-FD and MPQ-IA, with boys scoring higher on both,” said the researchers. “Boys also scored higher on antisocial peers, mother-child relationship problems, and school and legal problems. Girls scored higher on academic achievement and engagement and family level problems.” They believe these findings regarding relationship problems are significant. “This pattern of disrupted parent-child relationships and antisocial tendencies then initiates a sequence of developmental processes leading to academic failure, peer rejection, deviant peer affiliation, drug use, and delinquency.” They added, “Less discussed are factors that underlie the initial disrupted parent-child relationship, such as a child’s undercontrolled temperament or the parent’s own antisocial traits that then influence his or her parenting practices. We propose that genetic factors are a likely source of such individual differences that then influence other putatively environmental variables such as parent-child relationship problems.”

Reference:
Hicks, B. M., Carlson, M. D., Blonigen, D. M., Patrick, C. J., Iacono, W. G., and MGue, M. (2011, August 29). Psychopathic Personality Traits and Environmental Contexts: Differential Correlates, Gender Differences, and Genetic Mediation. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0025084

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.