People choose to open their relationships for many reasons, and there are many ways to do it. From swinging to polyamory and everything in between, each couple venturing outside the bounds of monogamy must navigate the arrangement that works best for them. The books referenced at the bottom of this article contain a wealth of information about open relationship styles. Before leaping into the unknown, it’s important to consider whether nonmonogamy is right for you. Consider the following questions—and then read up.

1. Is your mental and emotional health well-managed?

An open relationship can work wonderfully for many couples, but it may not be a good idea if you or your partner have unmanaged mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, mood conditions, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), or bipolar. The complexities of an open relationship style may exacerbate untreated mental health issues.

If you struggle with your mental health, as many people do, consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist to address your needs and to discuss the potential mental health implications of opening your relationship. [fat_widget_right]

2. What is your attachment style?

Your attachment style determines how secure you feel in romantic relationships, and it is typically established in childhood based on your relationship with parents or caregivers. If you are anxiously attached and often fear that your partner will leave you, an open relationship may trigger those fears and lead to problems. This doesn’t mean an open relationship is not for you—rather, it means you should be honest with yourself about what it will take for you to feel secure.

Also, know that attachment styles can become more secure with time and healing. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love has good information about attachment styles. There are also online resources and quizzes, including this one, that can help you learn about your attachment style and that of your partner.

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3. Does your relationship have significant unaddressed problems or issues?

Don’t expect an open relationship to fix a relationship that is on the rocks. It’s wise to go to couples therapy and address any issues between you and your partner before considering an open relationship.

Every relationship, open or not, has its issues. You don’t have to be a “perfect” couple to open your relationship, but you will likely be better able to handle any challenges that arise if you feel confident that your relationship is on strong footing.

4. How well do you communicate with each other?

Having a successful open relationship requires a LOT of communication. If you and your partner struggle being open and honest with each other, communication practices such as active/reflective listening, using I-statements, and focusing on feelings and needs are an excellent place to start.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

5. How busy are you?

If you struggle to make time for your partner as it is, adding another partner isn’t going to help.

Having an open relationship takes a lot of time—time openly communicating, time spent coordinating, time spent checking in on each other’s needs and feelings, and, of course, one-on-one time with each partner. Take an honest look at your calendar and make sure you have time for all of it. Make sure opening your relationship won’t have an unexpected domino effect of taking time away from other priorities in your life.

6. How do you feel about your partner having sex with another person?

Some people are turned on and excited by this, while others have a knee-jerk reaction against it. If you are in the second group, this is an opportunity for personal exploration. Ask yourself why. What concerns does it bring up? What are you afraid of?

Keep asking questions until you uncover the underlying fear. For instance, beneath jealousy may be a part of you that fears abandonment. Fears often contain some component of irrationality, as they represent unconscious beliefs that can be traced to previous experiences. Try to understand that fearful part of yourself and find out what it needs to feel safe. Remember there are different ways to get your needs met. Be candid with yourself, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be gentle with yourself and with your partner, as these are vulnerable topics.

7. How well do you identify and communicate your needs to your partner?

People who have healthy relationships, open or otherwise, are able to identify their feelings and needs, take responsibility for them, and communicate them to their partners in productive ways. Being in an open relationship provides many opportunities to practice this, which may make you a stronger and better communicator.

Consider this hypothetical example: Brenda and Aaron decided to open their marriage three months ago. They’ve both been on a few dates, and Brenda has been struggling with jealousy and insecurity. Brenda could say to Aaron, “I’m feeling nervous and worried about your date tonight (identifying and verbalizing feelings). I fear you will like her more than me and will pull away from me or possibly leave (identifying the underlying fear). I need to know you are committed to us (making a specific request).” Aaron could then say, “Brenda, I understand your fear; I have felt similarly when you go out (validating her feelings). I think you are beautiful. I love you, and I am so happy in our relationship (affirming Brenda and the relationship). I am 100% committed to us (reaffirming his commitment).” Brenda may still have feelings of fear, nervousness, and jealousy, but if she feels anchored by Aaron’s validation and reassurance, she may be better able to manage those feelings.

No one is perfect, and conversations don’t always flow this easily. However, having a relationship grounded in trust, good communication skills, and the ability to identify and share feelings will go a long way.

Conclusion

Although many couples are exploring nonmonogamy, it doesn’t work for everyone. It’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner about any concerns you might have. If you decide to try an open relationship, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not to “fix” any existing problems.

It’s also important to consider the risks. Nonmonogamy remains stigmatized in many cultures and work environments, which can present complications. Educating yourself about the possible benefits and drawbacks, as well as safe sex practices, is essential, and a therapist can help you unpack any concerns you and your partner might have. Many therapists work specifically with nonmonogamous individuals and couples.

If you are curious about open relationships, consider the questions above before opening up rather than after. If you determine that an open relationship may work for you and your partner, check out the books below for helpful guidance on navigating nonmonogamy in an ethical and sustainable way.

References:

1. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.
2. Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press.
3. Veaux, F., & Rickert, E. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.

In Western cultures, we tend to see romantic relationships as monogamous by default and any other relationship dynamic as a failure, especially if these relationships involve sexual or romantic activity outside of the relationship. However, monogamy is not the only relationship style that is functional, and there is an ever-increasing social awareness about consensually and ethically nonmonogamous relationships. Some of these are referred to as “polyamorous,” “open,” or “swinging” relationships, and are generally relationships in which more than two people are romantically and/or sexually involved.

Despite an increase in public awareness of nonmonogamy, there continues to be a stigma around it that is grounded in myths about the risks of including more than two people in a relationship. If you have ever considered a nonmonogamous relationship, read on to learn about some of the myths and facts about nonmonogamy, and why monogamy might not be the only way to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

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It is important to note that not all people want to engage in nonmonogamy, and not all people may stand to benefit from a nonmonogamous relationship style. This article aims to break down some of the stigma around nonmonogamy and provide a first step for those who might consider creating a nonmonogamous relationship for themselves.

Myth: Sexual behavior outside of a monogamous relationship is inherently damaging to a relationship.

Infidelity is a painful issue that affects many relationships. The outcomes range from the breakdown of trust, to the dissolution of an otherwise happy relationship, to an increase in the risk of sexually transmitted infections (Conley, et al., 2012). But what if infidelity was not a failing of the person who strayed or of the person who was cheated on, but rather a symptom of not being able to meet the standards set by monogamy?

Specifically, some people cheat on their partners because their sexual and emotional needs are not fully met by one partner, but they are still generally happy with the relationship and do not want it to end. In the course of a longer-term relationship, it may be impossible for two people to meet each other’s needs all of the time. In this case, nonmonogamy may be an opportunity for committed partners to explore how each person’s needs can be met and to create a relationship style that works for them. When outside partners are discussed and agreed upon and open communication is a priority for all involved, there is less room for infidelity.

Myth: Nonmonogamous relationships are less functional than monogamous relationships.

Given that most of us were raised to enter into monogamous relationships, breaking those barriers down and living in a different way can feel very uncomfortable. Nonmonogamous couples do tend to experience jealousy, fear of abandonment, and conflict as they establish boundaries and negotiate new relationship dynamics without role models to turn to (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009). These issues can arise in monogamous relationships as well, and working through them can build a healthier relationship overall.

It is commonly assumed that nonmonogamous relationships are not as happy or healthy as monogamous relationships. Several decades of academic research have found that nonmonogamous relationships, on average, are just as functional as monogamous relationships (Knapp, 1976; Rubin, 1982; Watson, 1981) and that nonmonogamous marriages are as stable and content as monogamous marriages (Rubin & Adams, 1986). What makes or breaks a relationship is not exclusivity, but rather the ability of the partners involved to be honest, communicative, and self-aware of their needs and boundaries.

A good therapist can help you and you partners explore what kind of relationship dynamic will work best for everyone involved, how to navigate jealousy and fear of abandonment, how to negotiate boundaries and ensure all parties are treated fairly, and how to disclose to the important people in your life.

Myth: People who do not want to make monogamous commitments are abnormal.

With monogamy so pervasive, it may seem as though those who are nonmonogamous are somehow abnormal or unhealthy (Conley, et al., 2012). This myth seems to be tied to beliefs about infidelity and culturally developed ideas of how romantic and sexual needs should be fulfilled. The difference between infidelity and consensual nonmonogamy is the communication and awareness of all people involved. Many monogamous marriages experience infidelity, and the lies and betrayal associated with that infidelity can shake the foundations of trust in the relationship. For the partner who strayed, it can shake their sense of self-worth and leave them feeling as if they have failed at something that society suggests is a natural ability. For the partner who was cheated on, it can feel as if they have failed at meeting the needs of their partner, that they are undesirable, or abandoned.

The pressure of a culture that pushes monogamy as the ideal, healthy, or only relationship option excludes those who feel most comfortable with nonmonogamous relationships or whose needs are not exactly in line with their partners. The result is often infidelity, serial monogamy, and internalized shame.

Myth: Nonmonogamous relationships are more complicated than monogamous relationships.

As you might have guessed, inviting additional people into your relationship in any way can lead to some challenges, including jealousy, communication issues, fear of abandonment, guilt, and negotiating acceptable sexual or romantic behavior with multiple partners (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009). Some polyamorous people find that the public stigma around nonmonogamy creates issues within their relationships, and they may struggle with disclosing to family members; having to hide their multiple partners due to perception, stigma, and concerns about discrimination; and a lack of legal protection regarding the custody of children (Cohen & Fevrier, 2017).

Despite these unique challenges, research shows that nonmonogamous people have highly secure bonds with their partners (Jenks, 1985), that female partners feel more free and unhindered by patriarchal expectations (Stelboum, 1999), and relationship satisfaction actually improves (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009). When nonmonogamous couples live with multiple partners, they report that their relationships benefit from shared household responsibility, parenting tasks, and financial contributions (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009).

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What If I Think I Might Want to Explore Nonmonogamy?

As nonmonogamy becomes increasingly common, there are growing numbers of resources available to people who may want to explore this as a relationship option. If you think nonmonogamy might be right for you, you can explore blogs and forums for polyamorous or nonmonogamous people. There are a few published book options as well, including The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. These books outline many of the skills you may need to cultivate to have strong, loving, nonmonogamous relationships.

Finally, look for a therapist who is open to, and affirmative of, nonmonogamous relationships. A good therapist can help you and you partners explore what kind of relationship dynamic will work best for everyone involved, how to navigate jealousy and fear of abandonment, how to negotiate boundaries and ensure all parties are treated fairly, and how to disclose to the important people in your life.

References:

1. Cohen, M. T., & Fevrier, S. S. (2017). Historical, biological, social, cultural, and psychological aspects of non-traditional arrangements: Understanding consensual non-monogamy. In N. Silton (Ed.), Family Dynamics and Romantic Relationships in a Changing Society (pp. 28-46). Hershey, PA: IGI Global.
2. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2012). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13, 1-30.
3. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Ziegler, A., Karathanasis, C. (2012). Unfaithful individuals are less likely to practice safer sex than openly nonmonogamous individuals. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(6), 1559-1565.
4. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures. Berkley, CA: Celestial Arts.
5. Knapp, J. J. (1976). An exploratory study of seventeen sexually open marriages. Journal of Sex Research, 12, 206-219.
6. Jenks, R. J. (1985). A comparative study of swingers and nonswingers: Attitudes and beliefs. Lifestyles: A Journal of Changing Patterns, 8(1), 5-20.
7. Rubin, A. M. (1982). Sexually open versus sexually exclusive marriage: A comparison of dyadic adjustment. Alternative Lifestyles, 5(2), 101-106.
8. Rubin, A. M., & Adams, J. R. (1986). Outcomes of sexually open marriages. The Journal of Sex Research, 22(3), 311-319.
9. Shelboum, J. P. (1999). Patriarchal monogamy. In Munson, Marcia, and Stelboum (Eds.). The lesbian polyamory reader: open relationships, non-monogamy, and casual sex. New York: Haworth Press.
10. Tamar Cohen, M., & Fevrier, S. S. (2017). Historical, biological, social, cultural, and psychological aspects of non-traditional arrangements: Understanding consensual nonmonogamy. Family Dynamics and Romantic Relationships in a Changing Society.
11. Watson, M. A. (1981). Sexually open marriage: Three perspectives. Alternative Lifestyles, 4(1), 3-21.
12. Weitzman, G., Davidson, J., & Phillips, R. A. (2009). What psychology professionals should know about polyamory. Baltimore, MD: National Coalition for Sexual Freedom Inc.

When I meet other professionals, I am usually quick to say that I work with the LGBTQ+ community. It takes a longer conversation, usually, for me to include that I serve kinky and nonmonogamous populations as well. This is stigma.

When I attended an experiential training for therapists working with polyamorous relationships several weeks ago, I felt a sense of protectiveness about where I was going and whom I should tell. This is stigma.

When someone wants to invite a partner to an event or introduce them to other important people in their life but ends up feeling paralyzed in a labyrinthian decision-making process predicting the social safety of that decision … this, too, is stigma.

If you’re reading this article you’re probably curious about polyamory on some level—personally, politically, professionally, or all three. Most of us have a positive or negative bias toward the idea of consensual nonmonogamy, depending on personal experience and the relationship values one holds dear. I have encountered very few people who hold a neutral view of polyamory. But cultural fears shape a lot of conversations, both public and private, preventing people from being able to communicate openly and authentically about whom they love. In other words, our culture’s hang-ups and, often, our own deep-seated fears prevent polyamorous people from abiding by their own values to communicate openly and authentically with and about the people they care about. Navigating this disconnect can create a sense of self-splitting between the personal and the public—which might even include family and friends—perpetuating distress and isolation. These factors have serious implications for mental health.

[fat_widget_right]How can we prevent these microaggressions and micro-oppressions? First off, you don’t have to be poly to support the rights of others to decide that open relationships are right for them. Choosing to stand up in solidarity with intentionally and consensually nonmonogamous parties can happen gently. Below are seven ways to challenge what Designer Relationships authors Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson call ”default monogamy.”

1. Stop assuming monogamy is the default. In their guide “Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships,” Michaels and Johnson (2015) provide useful tools for Big Discussions and demonstrate how relationship terms can be tailored as uniquely as the people who participate in them. As the subtitle suggests, they are certainly not anti-monogamy—indeed, most proponents of polyamory will agree that polyamory is “not for everyone.” But authors point out when you avoid talking about the boundaries of your relationship for fear that mentioning the potentials will mean “monogamy will forever be broken,” it creates a sense of ambiguity and anxiety for partners. The consequence of the monogamy default, the fear of having that conversation, is that no consensus is reached about what monogamy really means.

2. Stop assuming that polyamorous relationships are “watered down,” cheaper, or shallow somehow—that they can’t “go deeper” like healthy monogamous relationships do. By necessity, people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships are “communication ninjas,” says Johnson. Preliminary studies of open relationships suggest moderate-to-high levels of happiness (Loving More, 2012), or at least comparable self-reported levels of relationship functioning (e.g., intimacy, satisfaction, jealousy) alongside those engaged in monogamous relationships (Conley et al., 2017). Some people do desire sexual and/or romantic exclusivity to feel safe and protected, but many people report that their participation in consensual nonmonogamy is an act of empowerment and helps them grow.

3. Switch up your language. A simple “partner or partners” goes a long way. Reducing or modifying the phrase “significant other” helps. Once you commit to being an ally in this way, you’ll start to notice mono-normativity is everywhere!

4. Consider developing new standards of event invitations. In “Why I’m Still in the Polyamory Closet,” Michael Carey writes about just how emotionally exhausting it can be to consider everyone else first when you want to do something as simple as go on a date with a partner or meet a partner’s parent. But if you yourself are hosting an event, you might be surprised to learn that some of those you know are already in an open relationship.

For example, if marriage (not currently poly-friendly at the federal and state level) is in your future, bust out your “couple privilege” and get creative with the wedding invitations. This is tricky, because it assumes a greater cost for you, but rather than assuming each guest might bring a plus one, you could invite them to indicate the number of guests they are bringing and specify that they be committed partners. Many guests do not bring a plus one, and even your friends with multiple partners are unlikely to choose your special day as their “coming out” debut—but it’s nice to be included, particularly on such a monogamy-oriented occasion.

5. Challenge the notion that it’s all about sex. When a lot of people hear “polyamory,” they cringe, thinking it’s a lifestyle comparable to swinging or cult polygamy. This is probably the biggest barrier to open communication about open relationships, and it has wide-ranging implications—from being afraid to come out to coworkers for fear they’ll think you’re on the prowl (Carey, 2013), to children being removed from their parents’ custody for fear of being exposed to sex (North, 2009).

6. Debate the accusations that polyamory is just an excuse to cheat, or an effort to relabel behavior that is considered cheating. YES, both of these things sometimes happen, but not with greater frequency than what is found in relationships assumed to be monogamous. In general, consider the intense ethical foundation it requires to actually maintain consensual relationships with multiple partners. More Than Two provides a great FAQ about how to tell the difference between polyamory and cheating. As Michaels and Johnson (2015) point out, “any relationship can be selfish and greedy.” These traits are not restricted to those who choose to engage in open relationships, and many would argue those consensual nonmonogamists are more committed to fighting those tendencies than most!

7. Scope out reading and resources. Examine your beliefs and keep an open mind. Some other good references are Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, The Jealousy Workbook, by Kathy Labriola, and More Than Two, by Franklin Vieaux. If this is new territory, expect that you might get triggered, and read responsibly and in smaller chunks. Society for Sex Positive Culture director Allena Gabosch summarizes, “Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their worldview” (North, 2009). When we get scared, we put up walls and engage with our defense mechanisms. Thoughts and ideas can’t tear apart relationships all on their own, however—only actions and behaviors can. The more intentional we are with our relationship decisions and choices, the more likely we are to experience trust and intimacy, whether it’s with one partner or more.

References:

1. Carey, M. (2012). Why I’m still in the polyamory closet. Slate. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2013/09/05/why_i_m_still_in_the_polyamory_closet.html
2. Conley, T. D., Matsick, J. L., Moors, A. C., & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of consensually nonmonogamous relationships. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(2), 205-232. doi:1177/1745691616667925
3. Fleckenstein, J., Bergstrand, C., & Cox-II, D. W. (2012). What do polys want? An overview of the 2012 Loving More survey. Loving More: Found on the Loving More website: http://www.lovemore.com/polyamory-articles/2012-lovingmore-polyamory-survey/
4. Michaels, M. & Johnson, P. (2015). Designer relationships: A guide to happy monogamy, positive polyamory, and optimistic open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis.
5. North, A. (2009). Why does polyamory freak people out? Jezebel. Found on the Jezebel website: http://jezebel.com/5325677/why-does-polyamory-freak-people-out

Several years ago, sex advice columnist Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish” to refer to long-term committed relationships that bend the rules of monogamy with the consent of both parties. Since that time, he has published thousands of letters from people in monogamish relationships, thanking him for giving them permission to try an arrangement that works better for them.

Last year, Showtime began airing a reality show called Polyamory: Married and Dating, which takes a close look at the lives of polyamorous people. Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person at a time. The show stars a polyamorous triad—three people in a committed, long-term relationship—and a polyamorous married couple who have serious committed relationships with people outside of their marriage.

Both Savage and the participants in the Showtime series have experienced some backlash for their advocacy of nontraditional relationships. But when nonmonogamous relationships are loving and consensual, participants in them believe they can strengthen marriages, serve individual needs, and increase intimacy. Unfortunately, people in these relationships often face immense stigma and even legal problems propelled by myths about nontraditional relationships.

Myth 1: Nonmonogamous relationships are a free-for-all.

People who cheat on their spouse are, technically speaking, not in a monogamous relationship. But when nonmonogamy is entered into openly and on a long-term basis, all partners typically obey a variety of rules. In Showtime’s show, the polyamorous triad navigates the consequences of one member breaking the rules, and the result is increased communication. Nonmonogamous relationships don’t work without rules, and often the discussion and renegotiation of these rules can contribute to deeper intimacy.

Myth 2: Nonmonogamy is an excuse to cheat.

By definition, nonmonogamy means that people don’t have sex with only one other partner. But this does not necessarily mean they can have sex with anyone. Successful nonmonogamous couples establish strong rules about what is and is not cheating, and frequently have veto power over who their partners sleep with. While it’s certainly possible for one partner to be pressured into nonmonogamy, these relationships generally don’t work unless both partners enter into the relationship willingly and lovingly.

Myth 3: Nonmonogamy is bad for children.

With the divorce rate in the United States hovering around 50% and the number of single parents rapidly increasing, most children see their parents involved in multiple romantic relationships over a lifetime. So long as children have consistency in their caregivers and are not subjected to an endless parade of people to whom they become attached and who then leave, nonmonogamy is not harmful. Nonmonogamy, after all, does not mean an abandonment of all social mores and norms, and nonmonogamous parents are just as capable of keeping their sex lives private as monogamous parents.

Myth 4: Nonmonogamy harms women.

Well-publicized cases of polygamy abuse are often the first things people think of when they consider nonmonogamous relationships. But modern nonmonogamous relationships are consensual for all parties. In these arrangements, it’s not just men who get to sleep with other people. Given that more women than men report being bisexual, nonmonogamy can provide a healthy sexual outlet for bisexual women who might not otherwise have such an outlet.

Myth 5: Nonmonogamy harms marriages.

Many people involved in monogamish relationships have been married for decades. When one partner’s desire wanes, nonmonogamy can provide a sexual outlet that sustains the marriage. Because nonmonogamy must be carefully negotiated and constantly reevaluated, these arrangements can bring married couples closer together and encourage open, honest dialogue. Sleeping with other people also does not have to compromise the marital bond. Married couples sometimes have sex with friends periodically while still sustaining their primary commitment to their spouses.

References:

1. Polyamory. (n.d.). Alternatives to Marriage Project. Retrieved from http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
2. Savage, D. (n.d.). Monogamish couples share their stories. Washington City Paper. Retrieved from http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/42014/savage-love-monogamish-couples-share-their-stories/

Next Friday, August 31, 2012, GoodTherapy.org is thrilled to welcome Dr. Laurie Moore, who will present Healing Betrayal Caused by Infidelity, a FREE CE teleconference for GoodTherapy.org members available with 1.5 CE Credits. We encourage you to join us for this exciting event, so if you have not already, register today!

Working with clients who are suffering from betrayal caused by infidelity is complex, including grieving stages, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), and additional factors. This article refers to infidelity as a breach in agreed emotional and sexual monogamy. Some couples agree to open relationships or polyamory, which is a different situation. Infidelity as defined in Wikipedia is “a breach of an expectation of sexual and or emotional exclusivity.” This involves a lie and broken promise, causing feelings of intense betrayal for many people.

Infidelity has become a common problem. Some infidelity statistics state that over 50% of both men and women engage in infidelity (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2012) and others say 30% to 60% (Wikipedia, 2012).

Those suffering from infidelity betrayal commonly go through Kubler Ross’s well-known stages of grief:

1. Denial: This didn’t really happen or it’s not really as upsetting as I feel it is.
2. Anger: How could you?
3. Bargaining : If only I had communicated differently, this would not have happened.
4. Depression : I feel helpless. Nothing I can do changes this discomfort.
5. Acceptance : I have been hurt and disillusioned but I am at peace with myself.

The experience of grief due to infidelity includes additional factors that are absent from grief occurring from a death. Grief due to death is felt in a finite situation that contains an end. It is understood that the one who is gone is gone from the body permanently. Grief due to a breach in trust has no finite or predictable container. The one suffering finds him- or herself in unpredictable circumstances, which often feel very dismantling and excruciatingly unsettling.

Feelings that challenge self-confidence and worth are more common to infidelity betrayal than loss alone. Death is socially expected. Infidelity is shunned. The one who is betrayed is prone to feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment because the situation remains privately hidden or is condemned by a variety of reactions when exposed.

When death is the cause of grief, a solo journey is required. When betrayal is the cause of grief, two people are involved, so the situation is more complicated. Once one is lied to, the relationship is uncertain. This person can’t tell whether he or she is being lied to or told the truth. The one experiencing this challenge is often upset again in the aftermath of the partner relationship. This is different than the one abandoned by a death whose loss cannot re-emerge in a repeating scenario.

Clients with heartache caused by infidelity and betrayal can also go through fight-or-flight syndrome:

Fight: Arguing with, controlling, or managing the person who betrayed me will solve this.

Flight: Leaving will solve this.

Once fight or flight proves useless, a person will seek comfort in other ways. By assisting this person to fully meet the helplessness, sorrow, anger, anguish, disillusionment, and heartache that has come, peace can be found.

I have found that client-centered talk therapy, hypnotherapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and the 12-step program are all deeply valuable for clients healing from infidelity. I also use my own Success Love Now (SLN) process effectively in these situations. Here is how and why each of these methods is valuable.

Someone who is suffering from loss and feeling isolated due to the taboo nature of this loss needs to be witnessed compassionately and caringly. This in itself helps to relieve the tremendous burden one carries from feeling alone. When being accepted within the context and emotions one is truly feeling, without being corrected or judged, peace can start to return. Acknowledging your understanding and compassion for a clients’ diverse set of feelings can be a profound help to a suffering client.

Because the shock of betrayal can be extreme, disrupting normal life in many ways, EMDR assists the hurting person to digest the deep emotions that are arising. Just getting through the day becomes a challenge for people who are betrayed. EMDR makes the healing time for this upheaval much faster in many cases.

Hypnotherapy allows the person who was hurt to re-find stability, meet parts of him- or herself that were hurting before the situation occurred, heal parts of him- or herself that are hurting now, and find a new basis for equanimity that is deeper than the circumstances. Taking a client into a deep, relaxed state in which the client can bring in peaceful parts of him- or herself to help the hurting parts enables a client to rebuild self-esteem and strength.

S-Anon Twelve Steps allow people to find the value in surrender, the gift in their challenge, and the support of others enduring similar pain. Twelve Steps also help the one who was betrayed to find out if addiction was involved in the betrayal, as commonly is the case. Letting your client know that S-anon is an option can be a valuable part of her or his healing process.

SLN provides a new framework for the person to feel empowered and at ease within the undesired circumstances. Encouraging the client to focus on what his/her purpose and aim are for him- or herself and gratitude for the good that is occurring within the context of the undesired happenings is beneficial. This will bring a client out of a victim mode and into a creative mode.

Of course, if the person who was betrayed plans to stay in the relationship, couples counseling and counseling for the one who was betrayed are necessary.

When working with clients who have been betrayed due to infidelity, it is important to understand the complexity of loss, mixed with PTSD, combined with humiliation–this situation causes a long period of overwhelm and readjustment. When the client is treated with compassion, the healing can go well.

Sources:

1. Infidelity statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved August 20, 2012, from http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics
2. Infidelity. (n.d.) Retrieved August 20, 2012, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity

Related articles:
Cheating
Can a Couple Recover From Infidelity?
In-Depth Map for Three of the Eight SUCCESS LOVE NOW Steps

It’s a pretty well known fact that ‘happily ever after’ is a concept that is often easier said than done. People still cling to and admire the ideals of a long-term commitment and marriage and with a little effort and cooperation many find that it is actually doable when they have both feet in the relationship, whilst others are finding that finding a new partner is sometimes just easier, and divorcing themselves from their partner and situation makes more sense. But with so much exposure to new and alternative ways of embracing marriage, more and more couples are ‘coming out’ so to speak, to embrace their sexuality by exploring alternative lifestyles within the marriage. Alternative lifestyles, also known as open relationships, are giving couples a third option, so to speak, when relationships need a little extra push to get up that hill.

So, what exactly are these alternative lifestyles and how do you know they are for you?

When I speak about alternative lifestyles I am talking about anything that deviates from the expected and usual monogamous, heterosexual marriage. Some lifestyles include the swinger lifestyle which is when a couple may choose to swap partners with another couple, threesomes/foursomes which may be in the form of polygamy or polyandry (marriage with more than one wife or husband, respectively) or just introducing a new member/s occasionally or on short term basis. LGBTQ lifestyles are another style where although married, one partner, or perhaps both parties have another partner of the same sex, or may be involved in a lifestyle as another gender, with another gender, etc..outside the marriage. The variations, labels and titles are endless.

These lifestyles differ from the norm because in general they introduce more people into an intimate space, either physical or emotional, and beyond what is generally viewed as the space of the dyad or couple, and hence referred to as ‘alternative.’ Sometimes these happen naturally. Sometimes the couple makes a decision to do this together based on other circumstances. They are not always the easiest of lifestyles and couples need to communicate openly and honestly to both get their needs met. Communication and cooperation are key here. Note: To me, cheating and infidelity do not qualify as an alternative lifestyle, although technically other people are involved. A healthy alternative lifestyle with your partner includes consent, honesty, and communication.

I’d like to refresh your memory a little on a little old study Dr. Helen Fisher, PhD did. She found that there were 3 stages of love. Basically they were Lust, Romance and Commitment. In the lust and romance phase things are exciting, passionate and the sex is great. In the commitment phase all the excitement and unrest leads to stability, security, things which are perfect for family raising, and often times also lack luster sex, especially when couples are comparing it to before. I call it the 2-year lull. Couples often start freaking out at this point and wonder what is wrong with them. Couples in the know recognize this is normal and find a way to flow through this time with continued efforts and this is also a time when many couples decide they may want to do something different or alternative to spice up the relationship.

How do you know if this lifestyle is for you? You have to be honest with yourself and your partner. If something doesn’t feel right or comfortable discuss it openly. If there is something that does interest you, discuss it with your partner and try to set as many ground rules as you can before proceeding as it can get a little complex out there. Getting more people involved means more emotions, personalities, time spent, so on and so on. Jealousy and insecurity happen too. So be realistic and don’t be afraid to speak up to your partner.

Setting ground rules is key. Things will come up while you are out there ‘mixing it up’ so having as many key words, and advance communication to help ease the situation will make it all the better.

One last thing to remember is that this lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and it’s okay if you’re not feeling it. A must read on the subject matter is “Ethical Slut,” by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt, if you are truly thinking about embarking on something new and adventurous with your partner.