When we think of sex therapy, we generally assume this takes place with (and is for) adults or couples. This neglects the importance of helping our children understand sexuality and their bodies.

If you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, or a much older sibling, you know that when it comes to the subject of sex and children, we walk around on eggshells. Children are sexual beings from the day they are born, though, and in depriving them of sexual knowledge and their own natural expressions we do them an injustice, often stunting their sexual development and growth.

We worry about overstimulation: that we are somehow being voyeuristic when we encourage kids to talk about sex. We worry that we might encourage or victimize them by educating and informing them. As educators, we worry about not having the parental permission. We assume, also, that many children live in a world where they are protected from sexually explicit material. I think we know that even the most protected child is exposed to sexual material in one form or another. Parents cannot monitor everything, but we can provide kids with tools to make informed choices and to process what they see, hear, and read.

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It’s important to recognize that children are sexual beings. Children explore their bodies alone and with each other. This is normal behavior and should not be shamed or shunned. I am referring here to masturbation and mutual exploration (i.e. playing “doctor” or “house.”) Please note: I am not referring to sexual play between two or more youths of disparate age, or an adult with a child. Age is key here. A child is naturally inquisitive and curious about his or her body; an older individual should not exploit this. It is important to know, however, that same-age or close-in-age peer exploration is a part of natural and normal sexual development.

It’s important to recognize that children are sexual beings. Children explore their bodies alone and with each other. 

An example I make is of two girls, age 8, who are found being sexual in bed. The parents decide to punish the girls, separating them from future play dates. The parents are confused and shocked, perceiving this behavior to be wrong.

It is important to know, also, that exploration is often done with a peer of the same sex.

Punishment and shunning of normal and natural behaviors, including masturbation, may lead to shame and guilt about sexuality in adulthood, and confusion and embarrassment throughout development.

A great book to read on this matter is Sex, Therapy, and Kids: Addressing Their Concerns Through Talk and Play, by Sharon Lamb. If you are feeling ill-equipped, under-informed, or worrisome about talking about sex, it is important to know that when we’re silent, kids aren’t getting the adult guidance and help they need.

When we are silent in response to sexual material brought up by children, we mimic and reproduce the world the child is exposed to every day, one that excites and confuses him or her and provides little space for processing. As adults, it is important for us to take the lead and teach.

Seeking a trained psychotherapist in the area of sexuality can also be a great place to start.

“For years it lay in an iron box buried so deep inside me that I was never sure just what it was. I knew it carried slippery, combustible things more secret than sex and more dangerous than any shadow or ghost. … I saw things I knew no little girl should see. Blood and shattered glass. Piles of skeletons and blackened barbed wire with bits of flesh stuck to it…The iron box contained a special room for my mother and father, warm and moist as a greenhouse. They lived there inside me, rare and separate from other beings. … I knew my parents had crossed over a chasm … The box became a vault, collecting in darkness, always collecting; pictures, words, my parent’s glances, becoming loaded with weight. It sank deeper as I grew older, so packed with undigested things that finally it became impossible to ignore.”
-Helen Epstein, Children of the Holocaust

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Temper tantrums can be very frustrating to deal with. All children have a temper tantrum at one point in time or another. They can happen in the home, school, in grocery stores, although they may not necessarily happen when the child is at another person’s house.

Temper tantrums are a child’s way of expressing anger and frustration at not getting what he or she desires, when there is difficulty expressing feelings, or when he or she know that the tantrum will result in getting what he or she wants.

Parents can be easily frustrated because the tantrums are not always easily dealt with, especially when the tantrum happens in the grocery store. That seems to be more like the child egging on the parents to actually follow through with what the parents say they will do.

Are tantrums a test from the child to the parent? It could be. When a parent is telling a child that he or she can’t do something if he or she has a tantrum, a child will definitely test that theory. When the tantrums happen, the child is looking at the parent to see if the parent is going to follow through with what is said. When the tantrum is “successful” and the parent gives in, then the child knows that tantrums result in getting his or her way.

When the tantrum is not successful the parents don’t give in, they follow through with what was said and the child learns that the tantrum is not the way to deal with things. That’s a hard thing, mostly for the parent. The child can whine, scream, yell and go on for what seems like hours. At the point that the child continues with the tantrum behavior and does not appear to give up, is when the parent tends to give in which only reinforces that the tantrum is the way to go.

Helpful hints:

1. Don’t give in. When the tantrum is not given the attention that is needed to work, the tantrum will fade. As a parent, you will still want to observe your child so they don’t get hurt, or hurt others from their tantrum, but still do not give in.
2. Stay calm. It is difficult to stay calm when a child is having a tantrum but you are the parent, the adult, and still know what’s best for your child. If you have your spouse around, and you are getting frustrated, then do a “tag out” but still both parents stay calm.
3. Speak calmly to your child: that helps to keep you in control of the situation. The child could get louder, but speaking calmly can help shorten the behavior. You can say that when the tantrum is done, then we can talk about the situation.
4. Let your child know what is expected of him or her when they go into the grocery store or other place or activity. You can also let them know that if there is a tantrum then they will not be able to do something later. This is where the follow through needs to happen, so when you say this, make sure the action can be followed through.
5. Validate feelings. When the tantrum is done, tell your child that you knew he was able to regain control.
6. When a child does not have a tantrum where her or she normally would, provide praise for that. That will help increase improved behavior and her own confidence that she does not need to have a tantrum and will be alright when she doesn’t have one.

Cutting is the physical expression of hidden mental pain. Children may begin cutting or engaging in other forms of self-harm when their mental pain reaches a level that they can no longer deal with. While some children may find positive ways of coping with such pain, others seek negative coping methods including self-harm or drug use. Mental pain can be the result of built-up stress, past traumatic events, hurt feelings, rejection by peers, abandonment by significant others, or other life stressors.

Is My Child Just Trying to Get Attention?

If your child cuts in places that you can see and does not try to hide their wounds, then it is likely that, consciously or subconsciously, they are trying to let you know they are in pain. If they cut, or threaten to cut, in front of you, then they are likely crying for help. If your child has been hiding their cuts for a long period of time and has not told anyone about it, then they are likely trying to deal with their pain privately and are not seeking attention.

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Why Do Children Cut?

This behavior, while it may appear to have no benefit, may actually provide several means to cope. I know what you are thinking: cutting hurts, right? Not for the cutter; for them, it actually releases pain. It allows the person who cuts to express how they are feeling on the inside by letting it outside. The chemical reactions that go on when people cut themselves make the behavior addictive. Once the person who cuts is used to dealing with pain in this way, it is hard for them to choose alternative coping methods. When a child who cuts becomes upset, they may go to the behavior as automatically as a person with alcoholism would turn to drinking to deal with a stressful day.

What Not to Do

It is important not to label self-harming behavior as “bad” or tell your child that they are doing something “wrong.” This kind of reaction will only make the child feel ashamed and desire to cut more to get rid of those negative feelings. Telling your child, “Just stop it,” is just as ineffective. Tell your child that you understand they are going through some difficult things, and that you want to find a way to help them.

Getting Help

Often when we ask teens, “What’s wrong?” they will invariably respond, “Nothing.” Many teens have a hard time opening up, especially to their parents. This is partially because it’s just not “cool,” or because they have a hard time bringing up certain topics our of fear that they will be misunderstood or get in trouble. It is important that they have someone who they are comfortable talking to, whether it is a family member, a friend, or a therapist. When looking for a therapist, it is important to find one whom your child will feel comfortable with so that your child can learn to release their pain in a healthy way.

Resources for Parents and Children

1. GoodTherapy.org’s What To Do If You Are In Crisis
2. Hollander, Micheal. (2008). Helping teens who cut: Understanding and ending self-injury. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
3. S.A.F.E. Alternatives/Self-Abuse Finally Ends (www.selfinjury.com or 1-800-DONT-CUT)

Parents often ask me to describe what options they have for their post-divorce living arrangements. In addition to the many ways it is possible for children go back and forth between two residences, there is also the possibility of having children stay in the home they are currently living in while the parents move in and out. This is sometimes described as “the children get the house,” “bird nesting,” or just “nesting.”

The Advantages

• Said to be child-centric: it focuses on the needs of the children.
• Children are able to continue to live in their home for a greater sense of stability.
•  Minimizes the difficulty for children of living in two places, like forgetting homework, toys, clothing, or other belongings at the other parent’s home.
• Parents might be better able to handle the experience of moving back and forth between their residences than the children might be.

How It Works
The parents move in and out of the home according to the parenting plan they have established. This might include a situation where one parent spends the night with the children. The other parent comes to the house when the first parent goes to work and is at the home until the working parent comes home, often after dinner. The daytime parent then goes to their “other” residence. This arrangement could change depending on which parent is spending the night with the children.

Alternately, one parent can live in the home with the children for one week, then the other lives with them the following week. This is what as known as a week on/week off arrangement.

In a 2003 case in Ontario, Canada (Greenough v Greenough), the judge court-ordered parents to implement a bird nesting arrangement—which they had not requested—until the hearings on the case could continue.

In the case record, Justice Quinn wrote:

“The court made a bird’s nest custody arrangement in which the children (aged 3 and 5 years) remained in the home, with the mother staying in the home during the week and the father on the weekend. I think that the benefits of a bird’s nest order are best achieved where the children are able to stay in the matrimonial home, particularly if it has been the only residence that they have known…

“Time and time again I have seen cases (and this is one) where the children are being treated as Frisbees. In general, parents do not seem to appreciate the gross disruption to which children are subjected where one of the parents has frequent access. In this regard, I do not believe there must be evidence that the children are suffering before the court is free to act. To me, it is a matter of common sense. At the risk of falling prey to simplistic generalities, I am of the view that, given a choice, I do not see why anyone would select a living arrangement which involved so much movement from house to house.”

Justice Quinn clearly saw the advantages to the children of living in the home they were most familiar with and of having little change in their day-to-day lives, and saw the role of the court as instrumental in advancing this option on behalf of the children.

The Disadvantages

• It is expensive. Unless the parents are able to share the residence in which the children do not live, they are looking at having three residences, one for the children and one for each parent when they are not living with the children.
• It requires a large degree of civility between the parents and the ability to get along and make decisions together. In general, the absence of conflict is the best indicator of resiliency for children, both in a marriage and post-divorce. A bird nesting situation, especially, cannot work if there is conflict. Co-parents who choose this model might consider working with a mediator or other professional who can assist in discussing the fine-tuning necessary to make the arrangement workable.
• It does not take into consideration what would happen when one or both parents enter a new relationship. Even before this aspect of “moving on” occurs post-divorce, both parents often need to individuate from each other and establish separate lives in order to disentangle from the marriage relationship they had with each other. Bird nesting does not adequately foster this aspect of divorcing.
• House rules: in order for parents’ movements to occur in a non-disruptive manner, both parents would need to have similar rules and house cleaning sensibilities. “House rules” need to be established to avoid creating a situation where children need to remember which rules are in place on which days, or at which times, depending on which parent is “on.”

These lists are not exhaustive. Clearly, bird nesting is not for everyone. The question remains whether it is for even doable for a small percentage of divorcing families. We do know that when parents live in close proximity to each other, when the children have easy access between homes, and are not subject to ongoing conflict, children of divorced families are quite resilient and do as well as children from families where there is no divorce. This might be a solution that is just shy of bird nesting: good neighbors.

Self-esteem is a relational term. It describes a relationship between you and yourself. Having a solid sense of esteem for yourself puts you squarely in a partnership that is nurturing and accepting, as well as motivating and energizing.

Where does this relationship with you come from? How is it determined?
The answer for most of us is that our earliest relationships in life set the tone for our inner dialogue. This is good news, because it means that we can explore the origins of low self-esteem and intentionally create new relationships that fuel a more positive view of ourselves. Our childhood does not have to be our destiny.

Let’s explore how early relationships might affect self-esteem by looking at three different ways parents discipline their children: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. Of course, parenting consists of more than just discipline, but the methods parents use to teach children right from wrong can have effects that last well into adulthood.

Let’s look at these three typical styles of discipline, and see how they’re likely to affect self-esteem.

1. Authoritarian: In this style, parents are the ultimate and only authority. They rule with an iron hand, and they are obeyed out of fear. Children who disobey the rules – which might be arbitrary or systematic, fair or unreasonable, known ahead of time or stepped on by accident – are punished. The form of punishment can vary, but punishment is the expected outcome of rule-breaking.

This style of discipline can be likened to a military dictatorship. No one gets to vote, and the law is handed down from above. Punishment is swift and merciless.

Children raised with authoritarian parents learn to obey rules, but they do not learn to listen to their intuition or pay attention their own feelings. Their thoughts, values, and opinions are treated as irrelevant by important others. So they learn to treat themselves this way over time.

As adults, children raised in authoritarian homes are likely to have a great deal of self-discipline, but little self-knowledge and generally poor self-esteem. Since their inner workings were apparently irrelevant to their caregivers, they minimize their inner lives and maximize “shoulds” in their self-talk. Such people are intimately familiar with “shoulds.”

2. Permissive: A permissive family is sort of like a country without leadership: it’s a free-for-all, and anarchy reigns. This is terrifying for children, no matter how much kids seem to want their own way. In order to feel secure, children need to know that someone bigger, stronger, and hopefully smarter than them is in charge.

When there are no guidelines or boundaries set around children’s behavior, they come to believe that they do not matter enough for parents to care what they do. They wonder how much they are loved if no one seems to notice whether they’re home at 10 p.m.

It is as natural as clouds for children to conclude that they are unworthy when parented permissively. They may conclude that if they were smarter, prettier, nicer, better in some way then maybe the parent would care. Parental structure lends identity and purpose to a household.

Children of permissive parents often grow into adults who feel lonely, alienated, and unworthy. Their self-esteem is injured by a failure of visibility. They experienced themselves as basically invisible to important others at a time when they needed help to discover who they were, and that they mattered as people.

Permissive parents may sometimes decide to set rules, but children test the boundaries and they often do not stick. As with Authoritarian parenting, the rules are apt to change at the whim of the ruler. This conveys the message that the world is a confusing and untrustworthy place.

3. Authoritative: Authoritative parents have something in common with the rulers of a democratic country. They assume responsibility for leadership, but all citizens have a vote. Children of authoritative parents know where the boundaries are, and they are free to express displeasure with the rules, even if their wishes do not always carry the day.

Authoritative parents use reasonable, age-appropriate punishment that fits the “crime.” Children know ahead of time exactly what will happen if they break the rules, and why. There’s no wondering whether or how they’ll be punished on that particular occasion.

Unexpected punishments and resulting confusion can occur within the other two styles of discipline. Though the rules are consistent and dependable, they’re also flexible enough to accommodate unusual circumstances. For example, a child gets to stay up an hour past her usual bedtime to attend an event that has special importance to her.

Children of authoritative parents enjoy a sense of security about themselves and the world in general. They are more likely to be able to trust others, as well as themselves. They experience the world as a place that makes sense, and others as generally fair and reasonable. They make choices about their behavior, understanding consequences, and develop non-neurotic self-discipline.

It is easy to see why children of authoritative parents have a leg up on others in the self-esteem department. Their objections to the rules are acknowledged and considered. And their good deeds are rewarded as often as the no-no’s are punished.

In other words, children of authoritative parents feel seen and valued for who they are. They know that they matter to important others. Therefore, they matter to themselves. This is the foundation of self-esteem.

All these styles of discipline fall along a continuum. Most parents practice some blend of these, and it is also possible to have one parent with a discipline preference that does not match the other’s.The more often parents are able to discipline with an authoritative style, the more their children will develop good habits, a sense of security, and healthy self-esteem.

For adults who were physically or verbally abused as children, psychotherapy is an important step in working through the difficult emotions these experiences have created. But what about children currently living with an abusive parent? Providing one-on-one therapy, parenting coaching, and emotional support to abusive mothers drastically improves their parenting skills and treatment of their children, a new Texas study has shown. Many programs like Project Support exist in states around the country, but little research has been done to document how such programs compare to traditional child welfare services. The study, which followed a small group of single mothers in similar financial situations, was published in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Project Support was established in 1996 and was designed to help children in violent families by altering the parents’ behavior. Traditional child welfare services in Texas tend to vary, but include pre-recorded parenting lessons, community parenting classes, individual counseling, family counseling, anger management work, GED classes, and contact with a social worker. Project Support goes a step further. With Project Support, mental health professionals visit a family’s home weekly for as long as six months. Parents are taught 12 specific parenting skills, including how to give positive attention and praise, how to play with and pay attention to their children, how to comfort and listen to their children, how to give appropriate commands or instructions, and how to handle bad behavior. Parents also worked with therapists on how to provide the best environment for their children through limited income and available local and state resources. (more…)

Parent #1: It’s already December. We need to decide about Christmas and you had Johnny last year. Why do you think you should have him again this year?

Parent #2: You know how important Christmas is to me. I’ll take him to my parents and he’ll have all his cousins around. Why should he miss out on the big Christmas celebration my parents always have.

Parent #1: Because I want to spend Christmas with him too. Why should I lose out on time with him because it’s not a BIG celebration. Johnny needs to learn about all different ways of celebrating Christmas.

Dividing up the holidays in divorced or separated families is difficult enough when you sit down and plan it out in advance. When you try to make it work on an ad hoc basis, it can be excruciating for you and even worse for your children who feel fought over and then responsible for the next fight you have with them being the main attraction. (more…)

Perceived favoritism on the part of a mother can cause long-term psychological effects on all her children well into adulthood, according to new research. Gerontologist Karl Pillemer from Cornell University looked at 275 mothers and their 671 adult children and found that in families with a perceived sense of favoritism, children were more likely to exhibit depressive symptoms as adults. Interesting, this applied to both the favored children and non-favored children. The study found that it’s not the type of treatment each child receives that matters so much as being raised in an environment where a sense of unequal treatment is present.

This is a continuation of last month’s article, “Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?” After learning to identify self-destructive behavior in ourselves, we can explore why we do it and the possible motivations behind vicious cycles of attacking ourselves. It may come from past trauma, abuse, neglect, or a number of other things that may have caused low self-esteem. Below are seven reasons people attack themselves.

1. Imitating Parents
We all learn how to take care of ourselves from imitating how our parents or other caretakers take care of us. When parents or caretakers attack children emotionally, verbally, or physically, children learn to attack themselves like their parents do. Practicing over and over, people become good at self-attack and carry the skill into adulthood. It becomes an integral part of regular daily life, almost like breathing.

2. Method of Discipline
Often caretakers don’t teach children how to set limits, or boundaries, how to structure themselves, or reward themselves. These skills are needed for discipline (which is sticking with things that are hard in the present, in order to achieve a longer-term desire). If people do not learn these skills, their way of disciplining themselves can be to attack themselves, when they don’t do what they think they “should.” For example, “Stop being lazy and stupid and do your homework.” Or, “Don’t eat that pie, you’re a fat pig!” This method of shaming can provide some rudimentary support for getting through obstacles to something one wants, but it causes a great deal of destruction in the process, and often backfires—causing rebellion against the “discipline.”

3. Lack of Information about their Value
When children don’t feel valued by their caretakers, they naturally conclude they have no value. This conclusion colors the way they see themselves in every aspect of their lives. The message that they have no value becomes a pretty constant “voice” in their thoughts that follows them into adulthood. This conclusion that they have no value can come from caretakers overtly shaming kids.

But it can also come from neglect, or lack of love or attention. Children who don’t get what they need emotionally gather that they must not have deserved it. This can even happen when there is no abuse involved. For example, children who are adopted into a loving family may determine that they had no value to their birth parents, and therefore aren’t worthy of much from others they encounter.

4. Preserving Parents and Power
When caretakers are brutal, absent, or unable to meet the emotional, needs of their children, the children have a choice to conclude either that there is something wrong with the parent or caretaker who is causing pain the child experiences, or there is something wrong with “me” (the child) for causing the caretaker’s behavior. For the child to conclude it is the parent, generally means acknowledging that the parent isn’t competent to take good care of their children.

For a child, not having a competent caretaker is life-threatening. So children generally do anything to avoid believing that their parent is unable to take care of them. This leaves children with the only other conclusion they can come to, given their limited experience, and great need—that there is something wrong with themselves. This preserves the belief that the parent is safe to depend on, and has the added advantage of allowing children to believe they have some control in their painful circumstances.

If I, as the child, believe I caused the abuse, then I can also believe that changing my behavior will stop the abuse. If I am a helpless victim of my caretaker, there is very little hope for my life to improve. So, most children attack themselves when their parents are hurting them to preserve their positive image of their parents, and to give themselves an illusion of control over the hurt, abuse or neglect.

5. Guilt
Sometimes children blame themselves for anything that goes wrong in the family (illness, death, mental illness, accidents, injuries, divorce, etc.) for various reasons. Common motives for self-blame include misunderstanding, attempting to feel powerful, being blamed for the problem by someone else, or, on occasion, having something directly to do with what went wrong. Children can carry that guilt into adulthood, punishing themselves with self-attack about much more than the original problem.

6. Imitating Peers
Sometimes people are repeatedly shamed, but not by parents or caretakers. Instead, siblings, and/or peers may be responsible. This can also turn the child’s belief system into one that legitimizes the bad treatment. They take on the belief that they deserve it. When they come to this conclusion, they have learned to continue this attack inside themselves.

7. A Way of Coping
Children who are overwhelmed with their feelings and are not given any skills for handling them have to scramble to use whatever resources they have to deal with these feelings on their own. Sometimes one of these resources is self-attack. Rather than feeling sharp, intense or disorienting emotional pain, children can convert these overwhelming, confusing feelings into a focused activity.

In multiple cases, self attack presents itself as a way of coping that seems to bring matters under the child’s control. When this happens, there is actually some comfort associated with self-attacking thoughts, just as there can be comfort in starving or cutting oneself. This is one reason cognitive-behavioral therapy alone often doesn’t work—people can not afford to give up thoughts they depend on to comfort themselves.

People attack themselves as a method of self-defense, coping, or due to the fact that we all, especially as children, are hard-wired neurologically to imitate those around us. In therapy, we find the origins of the self-attack and the purposes we use it toward. We then look for ways to provide the same functions without the negative consequences self-attack brings with it.

In some cases of rewiring, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is a helpful option. In other cases, imitating the therapist offers a transitional alternative to the results of imitation of critical parents. However we get there, all of us ultimately have to become nurturing, compassionate parents to ourselves. That is the goal of childhood and good parenting, just as it is the badge of happiness and adulthood.

The dreams we have for our families and children are full of deep expectations, some stated but many unspoken. This is true for families that have biological children and also for families who choose to foster and adopt. We want to make a difference in the world and love a child that needs us. We want to offer support, guidance, and opportunities to our children. The most frequent thing I hear from parents is, “I just want to help.” The best foster and adoptive parents know that helping a child involves more than just “wanting to”—it involves sticking in there when times get rough.

The Critical Point

In my experience, there tends to be a critical point in the journey of foster care and adoption when parents have to reconcile the difference between their initial expectations and their family’s current reality. I consider this the critical point because this is when placement disruption is likely to occur. Those of us that have experienced this firsthand understand that there is always a honeymoon period with a new placement. This time is filled with excitement and positive thoughts about the future. Though scared, the child may be on their best behavior: they are helpful with chores, follow the rules, attempt to build a relationship and may cheerfully fulfill their parent’s requests. For new parents, the placement may feel like bliss. The parents feel good about themselves and feel like they are making a difference.

Then comes the change—sometimes occurring slowly and sometimes what appears to be overnight. All of a sudden the sweet-natured child that you have grown to care about tells you that they hate you. They may leave the house unexpectedly and not tell you if they plan on returning, leaving you to worry and search through all hours of the night. They may refuse to follow the rules and start screaming hurtful remarks when you ask them to help with the dishes. They may tell you that you are an awful parent and that they want to move out. Some children may take this behavior to another level and resort to violence upon themselves or others. They may start attacking their siblings or getting aggressive with the family pets. They may make false allegations and tell their social worker that you are hurting them when you have done nothing of the sort.

At this time, it is incredibly important to make decisions about how to improve the situation and avoid a disruption in placement. Why do the children act like this? They are scared and lonely and testing whether you are going to love the “real them”—or kick them out like every other provider has in the past. Though it can be discouraging, all hope is not lost. Remember that there are peaks and valleys in behaviors and that these challenges will lessen over time given the appropriate support.

Before, during, or after this time of turmoil, it is common to have feelings of resentment toward the child you have chosen to bring into your home. You may feel exhausted and unable to manage their emotions in addition to yours. You may feel as though you are in over your head and are not skilled enough to manage what that child needs. Instead, you might feel as though this child screaming at you is not what you signed for and you worry about the impact on the rest of your family. It is also common to worry that your other children may pick up these behaviors and all of your hard work as a parent will be lost. You may realize that being a foster parent or adopting a child is not the same as what you expected it to be. You may think that you must be a glutton for punishment to do this work and you re-examine why you thought this would be a good idea. The worst part is that you are upset with yourself for thinking these things in the first place—all you wanted to do is “help,” right?

Working Through Resentment

The first step in working through the resentment is to acknowledge, truthfully, what your expectations were going into the process of becoming a foster/adoptive parent. Sit down and write out what your spoken and secret hopes and dreams were. Be honest about this because sometimes the secret and hidden expectations are the most important as they may reflect some core personal values that you hold about yourself, your family, and the world: What was the relationship you were hoping for? How did you envision the family dynamic?

Next, make a list of things that you felt blindsided by during this process: What has happened so far that you weren’t prepared for? What were you shocked by or scared of that you have seen your child do? What are your fears?

Third, you need to remind yourself why you are doing the work you do: What is your goal in becoming a therapeutic provider? How do you feel change is made?

Finally, re-examine your family goals with your revised understanding of your foster/adoptive child in mind and create steps you need to take in order to achieve your new and redefined vision of your family.

By doing these exercises you will gain insight into areas that you need help with in order to reconcile your feelings and get back on track with creating a therapeutic environment. You may identify areas or skills that could benefit from trainings, behavior coaching, support groups and/or therapy. You may also come to realize strengths in yourself that you never knew you had and may recognize your positive characteristics that led you to this challenging work in the first place. Remember that it is normal to feel resentment and that you are not alone. Most importantly, use these feelings to work toward being the therapeutic parent you are able to be.