This is a big topic. It may be at the core of why many divorces do not proceed well. The ability to forgive can be quite complex, depending on the events and issues under consideration. However, forgiveness may be one of the most important and perhaps most powerful experiences you may have when going through what can be a very difficult and painful event.

Some things to consider when thinking about what it might mean to forgive your ex-spouse:

1. Healthy boundaries: When we forgive, we are learning to have healthy boundaries so that we do not say or imply that what was done was OK. Holding a grudge is not the best way to make sure you are not hurt by someone again. Being clear about what you are and are not willing to do going forward is a stronger stance.
2. Ongoing experience: Forgiveness is an ongoing experience. It doesn’t happen once and then be done. It happens over time, allowing us to acknowledge our feelings and put them in perspective. Feelings such as anger and resentment take time to heal. Forgiveness is part of the healing process and important to our own health and helping to decrease stress in our lives.
3. Realistic view: When we can recognize other people for who they are and give up on the hope of changing them, this often has the impact of changing our response to them, our expectation of them, and our need to forgive them for being who they are. Having a realistic view of another person may help to minimize the things they need to be forgiven for if the expectation that they be someone other than who they are is not there.
4. Afraid history will repeat itself: We are sometimes frightened that if we forgive someone we will have to go back to being in the relationship in the same way we were before. It is important to remember we need not choose to be a victim nor allow ourselves to participate in something that is intolerable or abusive in order to forgive the actions of another.
5. Feeling powerless: We are sometimes fearful that we will feel powerless if we forgive a person who is asking for our forgiveness. We may feel powerful when we refuse to offer it to them. Forgiveness is not about power. It is about creating an internal sense of peace.
6. Continual forgiveness: We need to stay aware of choices we make that may put us in the position where we feel a continual need to forgive. This relates to being clearer about your boundaries of what you are willing to tolerate or expose yourself to.
7. Cycle of arguing and forgiving: During a divorce, disagreements and problems may arise that result in arguments and feelings of anger and resentment. We may feel an ongoing cycle of hurt, anger, argument, and forgiveness. It helps to be aware of the ways we engage that are about our expectations and disappointments that lead to anger and then a need for forgiveness.
8. It isn’t fair: One of the reasons we find it difficult to forgive is because we feel it isn’t fair that the person who has hurt us will not be punished or forced to make amends. Forgiving is not the same as thinking others should not be accountable for their actions. It is about coming to terms with what happened, allowing ourselves to find a calmer place in our hearts in understanding what happened, and letting it become part of our history rather than continually intrude in our lives.
9. Getting even: Getting even is a short-term experience. Moving on, forgiving, and living the life we want free of anger and stress is its own reward.
10. Avoid an uncomfortable situation: We can guard against forgiving someone so that an uncomfortable situation can be averted rather than because we truly feel we are ready to let go of our judgment of them. When forgiveness is given for a reason other than feeling ready to forgive, resentment will often emerge instead.
11. Not the same as forgetting: Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. We may have an experience which reminds us of what happened. This doesn’t mean we no longer forgive that person. It is often helpful to have these reminders as a way of remembering why we needed to forgive in the first place.
12. Forgiving yourself: It is as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive another. We can act in ways we regret, sometimes realizing it right after we do something. We are as capable as anyone else of transgressions and to hopefully learn from them. Sometimes, our unwillingness to forgive ourselves results in placing our anger with ourselves on someone else.
13. Private experience: Forgiveness can be a private experience with ourselves and does not need to be pronounced to the person you are forgiving. Many people have no information about the amount or nature of the ways in which they have been forgiven.
14. For your own benefit: When we forgive, it is an act for ourselves, for our own benefit, not the person we are forgiving. It is about our relationship with the self, our attitude about others, and our beliefs about what should be rather than what is.

Some people come to therapy full of negativity and anger toward parents whom they hold responsible for the way they feel and the lives they live. For example, they might explain their difficulties in relationships by referring to a parent’s emotional coldness, criticalness, or divorce. Or they will fault a parent’s lack of encouragement and involvement when they were growing up for their failure to do well academically or professionally. Blaming parents for their struggles keeps these people stuck in angry, anxious, and depressed feelings, and interferes with their ability to think about what they could do to make their lives different.

“Gloria” came to her first therapy session with me and immediately began to talk. Sounding irritated, she explained, “I’m here because I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I’m either angry or depressed. I’m 29 years old and I haven’t been in a relationship for more than three months. I can’t seem to keep my jobs for much more than a year. For nine months, I’ve been working as an assistant in a recruiting firm where I answer phones and type résumés. I know I’m smarter than that, but I don’t know what else I want to do. I seem to go from one dead-end job to another. I’m such a loser.” Then Gloria sobbed, “I am just so stuck.”

Gloria began therapy. She typically entered my office with heaviness and depression, and talked about how miserable her life was and how hopeless she felt. She believed that nothing could change. When I asked her why, she thought she was stuck in this awful place, her lethargic demeanor changed to anger, and her voice turned strong.

“How could I change?” she said. “It’s all about my childhood. My parents separated when I was 5. My father left the house and I rarely saw him. Sometimes he would take me for a weekend, but I never believed he really wanted to. He met this woman, Fran, and all he ever talked about was her. They got married when I was 7, and then he moved to another state. I would visit them three or four times a year. She had two daughters. I could see how much he loved Fran. He never looked at me like that. He would criticize how I dressed and compare me to my stepsisters. I hated them. I could never get anything right, and they were so pretty and perfect, and I could see they were the children he wanted. When I would go home to my mother and complain, she would hardly listen. She never seemed very interested in me, either. She had a big, important job, and as I grew up, I didn’t see so much of her. She never got very involved in anything I did. She would even get nasty and critical if I told her about something good that happened. I remember when I told her that I had been asked to run for class secretary in middle school. She laughed at me and said, ‘You’ll never get elected, so you shouldn’t run. You’re just not popular enough.’ I believed everything she said about me, so I didn’t run. By middle school she had a serious boyfriend and she was always with him and never had time for me. I never thought I was good enough for much. When I think about it now, I can see my mother was really into herself and I think she was competitive with me. I don’t think she wanted me to succeed or dress well or have boyfriends. I guess she is still getting her way.”

The more I learned about Gloria’s childhood, the more I could understand why it was so difficult for her to have positive feelings about herself and to believe that if she worked at something, she could succeed. She consistently assumed people’s responses toward her would be negative personally and professionally. While her expectations were understandable in light of her childhood experiences, she was able, when pushed, to come up with memories of positive relationships, work experiences, and even good feelings about herself. Nevertheless, these exceptions to what she anticipated did not go very far in allowing her to step back and consider that she was not (in her words) “doomed to fail.”

It became clear to me that Gloria was stuck in blaming her parents for how she saw herself and how her life turned out. What made it so hard for her to move on? Was there some risk in letting go of her anger? Was there a downside to not living up to what she saw as her parents’ view of her? Was there something positive in it for her to blame her parents? These were the questions that occurred to me as I listened to Gloria, who presented herself repeatedly as a victim who would always be at the mercy of the impact of her past treatment by her parents.

I began to raise these questions to Gloria, who became curious about them. She began to consider the risks of letting go of her anger and blame. She talked about worrying that she would be letting her parents “off the hook” if she stopped blaming them or being angry. “They know how I feel and I like to think I make them feel guilty,” she said. “When I was a kid, they never seemed to expect me to amount to much. They’ve gotten what they wanted, but I do think I’ve managed to finally make an impact. I think I’ve succeeded in making them feel guilty. If my life got better, maybe they wouldn’t feel so bad or guilty. I feel bad and I want them to feel bad.”

At first, when Gloria continued to talk about her desire to hurt her parents, she smiled and said, “Now that I understand that this is what I’m doing, I have to say that revenge is sweet.” She would also get angry in our sessions and acknowledge that this new awareness created a real conflict for her. “Rationally, I get that it’s me,” she said. “I can see that I think my parents are responsible for my being a failure. They made me this way, so I’ll be the loser they created. I want to hurt them. I guess I could work on getting the life I’m always moaning that I’ve never had, and I know that would be the best thing for me. But I just don’t want to give them any good stuff.”

As we continue to talk about this conflict, which creates great anguish for Gloria, she has not been able to choose to work on giving up her anger and blame. However, she is considerably less attached to viewing her life through the lens of doom and failure caused by her parents. She has begun to take some steps to get more for herself. She has gotten a promotion to recruiter, and has made a placement that will double her income this year. She has also enrolled in a management class at a local college. We’ve even begun to talk about online dating. As Gloria continues to work in therapy, I believe she will achieve more for herself and gradually be able to see her identity in a new way and identify less and less as a victim. As she allows herself to experience the satisfactions of success, I am hopeful that the pleasure of revenge will be less gratifying.

My work with Gloria is just one illustration of the ways in which blaming your parents can keep you stuck. There is a terrible paradox in these situations: You are angry and blame your parents’ treatment of you growing up for your unhappiness and failures in your adult life. But the wish for revenge and these angry, blaming feelings keep the connection and repeat the relationship between your “bad parents” and you, the unsuccessful, unhappy child. As a result, you are stuck in the position where you cannot become the person you say you wish to be or create the life you say you desire.

At first glance, the injunction to bless and release sounds just beautiful, and so evolved. On reflection, it is missing a crucial component: learning from the experience before you let it go. Jumping right to bless and release without first opening to the lesson is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. You may think you did something helpful, but it’s a superficial solution.

If it were that easy to just bless and release, people would forgive far more readily, and generally move through relationship roadblocks and inner conflicts with ease. As you know, nothing could be further from the truth.

If you take stock of a situation, ask yourself what you could glean from it, and then consciously open your heart, you will be more able to truly bless the people involved and let it go. The psychic lightness you experience as a result comes from true detachment.

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In Buddhism, the concept of detachment is often misunderstood. It does not mean detaching your love and caring from someone; rather, it is detachment from outcome. This requires an understanding of your expectations, even when they are not readily accessible. It’s just another good reason to take time to meditate, as it allows previously buried thoughts and feelings to emerge from your unconscious to your conscious mind.

Once you are aware of your expectations, i.e., your attachment to certain outcomes, you can work to release them. The first step in letting go is acknowledging the hold they have on you. Is there a pattern of thinking, judging, reacting, or expecting that has dogged you in the past? If so, please resist the temptation to blame yourself. Trust that you were doing the best you could, and refuse to enter the cycle of self-criticism, as it will only impede your progress.

Accepting other people’s different ways of being and behaving is a wonderful goal. Like all major cognitive and heart-opening shifts, it does not happen overnight. A good way to start is by being aware of your thought patterns, behaviors, and physical responses to certain people and situations. If you sense a tightness in your chest or abdomen, ask yourself what you might be thinking about someone’s behavior. Are you judging it? Are you being critical of his or her way of handling something? Are you comparing how you would do things differently? Breathe into whatever tightness you feel. Give yourself a cosmic permission slip to have those initial reactions without resorting to self-condemnation. Then ask yourself: “How would I rather think and feel about this person?”Imagine reacting that way. Use all five senses to really feel the difference. Now, notice any changes in your body.

If you like how you think and feel after that exercise, you may be ready to bless. Following the teaching of the Buddha on metta, or loving-kindness meditation, bless yourself first. To Western minds, this may appear selfish, but it sets the stage for opening your heart to others. Once you feel that positive intention toward yourself, you can bless the other person. A classic invocation is: “May you be peaceful, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.”

If that felt good, let it all go. This is easier said than done, as humans can’t erase memories at will; however, you can let go of any residual negative feelings, such as anger, resentment, or jealousy, especially if you feel yourself joyfully moving forward.

Letting go is powerful psychological medicine when it is done with a truly forgiving heart. Be patient with yourself as you traverse this new territory, and practice self-forgiveness as it paves the way to being more loving and understanding of others.

Are you a “beaten dog”? Rest assured, I’m not calling anyone names here. But have you been kicked around, treated like nothing, and hurt? Do you not feel loved unless you are treated badly? This is what I mean when I say “beaten dog.” If you are offended, maybe some truth is staring you in the face. If you are not offended, I’m glad—and while this may not apply to you, perhaps it does apply to someone you know.

If it does apply to you and you can see how this role has affected your life, I want to apologize. No one should feel beaten, abused, and treated so poorly that he or she feels unworthy and believes life is cruel. I hope you seek help in breaking this mind-set and take hold of the reality that you ARE worthy!

Some questions you can ask yourself:

1. When someone is nice to me, do I question it? Do I question that the niceness is sincere?
2. When things are calm and smooth, do I need to throw a fit so that I can verify that I am loved via being yelled at?
3. Do I want or tend to take advantage of a person’s niceness because I believe I can?
4. Do I pick negative, hurtful people to be around?
5. Am I envious of others who are in healthy relationships?
6. Do I want a healthier relationship but believe I can’t have one?
7. Do I believe that this is how things will be for the rest of my life and that nothing—not even me—can change?

To change a self-belief statement or self-perception, admitting the need to change is a must. If you change for someone else, the change may not last long. Identifying how you respond to the above questions is key. Looking at ourselves can be a difficult and painful challenge, but it is where healing begins.

A self-belief statement can be defined as how you view who you are, how your “world” is, and how things (positive or negative) happen/happened to you. When someone is brought up in a negative, abusive, and painful environment, a negative self-belief is formed. The self-belief statement can be changed, but it can be difficult and takes time.

To change a negative self-belief statement:

1. Identify and be aware of your negative self-belief statement. As Dr. Phil says, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
2. Self-examine your thoughts and mind-set, and take responsibility for why your belief statement is negative.
3. Acknowledge what you can and can’t change. Example: You can’t change what happened to you growing up, but you can change how you respond and whether the past controls you.
4. Grieve. You lost out on a healthier childhood, the unspoken expectation that the adults in your life would be there to help you grow. Let go of the pain. Mourn. Cry.
5. Forgive. It’s a hard thing to do. Forgiveness is for YOU, not for them. To lose the power that the past has over you, forgiveness is key. Forgive shortcomings, failures, pain, whatever. Let go. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. When you forgive, you’ll feel less weight on your shoulders and be able to move on a little easier. Forgiveness is a part of a cleansing process, allowing healing to begin.
6. Redefine yourself—who you want to be, how you want to be, the type of people you want to be around, etc. Your personality may not totally change, but you can choose to be happier, to not let the same roadblocks stand in your way, and to have healthier relationships. You can choose to be a person who is not going to allow yourself to be kicked around anymore. Find what is good in your life; maximize those things while minimizing your weaknesses.
7. Be at peace with yourself. Self-acceptance is a great accomplishment. No one can do this for you. When you love and accept you, other people will see that and be drawn to it. Self-acceptance allows your inner beauty to shine.

This is a process. It’s not always easy. Personal growth is not a straight journey. It has lumps, bumps, breaks, and is topsy-turvy. But if you are moving toward health, you will get there.

Unless you are relatively young, it is highly unlikely that you will never date someone with an ex-spouse or ex-live-in-lover. The reality is that a large percentage of people have some history of broken relationships, whether they were long-term commitments or actual marriages. Regardless, should you be concerned about the number of exes a new love interest has? That was the question posed to several relationship experts in a recent article. Holly Parker, a psychology professor at Harvard teaches a class entitled “The Psychology of Close Relationships,” and she believes that when people date casually, the number of notches on someone’s relationship belt should not be a significant issue. However, if the dating progresses to something more serious, perhaps those notches should be examined a little more closely.

She advises looking at the level of responsibility that the person took for the unsuccessful relationships. For instance, did they acknowledge that they played a part in the demise and if so, what did they do about it? Also, she believes that multiple failed relationships may indicate difficulty to commit, emotional problems, or other unresolved issues. These are all things that should be carefully weighed before someone decides to pursue a deeper level of commitment. Some of the red flags Parker advises people to watch for are emotional distance and/or narcissistic behavior. If they are focused more on their own needs than yours, it could be an indication that they will not be attentive to you, emotionally or physically. Parker also says to watch out for people who continually put the blame for previous relationships on their exes.

But don’t rule everyone out based on the number of exes in their past. New York psychiatrist Gail Saltz says, “There is no one-size-fits-all answer, because people get married and divorced for many different reasons.” Saltz thinks that it is unwise to generalize people by the number of relationships they had before they met you. But she does think it’s important to find out how those relationships ended, what changes the person may have made, and most importantly, how the person gets along with their exes now. Immaturity, infidelity, addiction, and abuse are just some of the weeds that can kill a growing relationship. Saltz believes it is better to find out what personality traits your new love may have or may have been subjected to before you venture down an unfamiliar road with an unfamiliar person.

Asa, Richard. Dating in an age of multiple divorces: Navigating the dating scene when your date already has two or three marriages behind him.(n.d.): n. pag. Chicago Tribune. 2013. Web. 16 Jan. 2013. http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/life/sc-fam-0115-dating-divorced-20130115,0,1797022.story

To me, “vulnerable” is wonderful word. It means openness, freedom, and the opportunity to love and be loved. But for others, it is what they are trying to get away from: They feel that they are too vulnerable. In actuality, the opposite is true. They feel unsafe because they are too defended, too guarded. True vulnerability comes only with acceptance of self. And with that, fear drops away.

By becoming vulnerable to life, we discover its meaning. Not the meaning of life in an objective sense, but rather its meaning and purpose for each one of us, as individual souls. Whether that is the truth of a given moment, or an expanded sense of purpose and destiny in our professional or personal lives, we can discover it only if we learn to listen to our own hearts in an unguarded and open way.

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Our Own Vulnerability

To be happy and content in life, we must give in and learn to listen to ourselves deeply. We must accept our vulnerabilities, open ourselves to them, and embrace them! Why? Because only then do we feel the safety net that is always there; that mysterious presence that is beauty, love, kindness, and truth. When we don’t move into the mystery of vulnerability, it is like we are clinging to a tightrope after having fallen off, peering into the dark, afraid that there is no net. We find the net by letting go, by falling into the unknown.

This surrender does not have to be, as many think, a large display of emotion, because it is at its heart something internal, something private. Our closest, longest, and most intimate relationship is the one we have with ourselves. So while we might first experience vulnerability with someone else, it is at its heart something we must do with ourselves, by ourselves. It is not enough to be accepted by someone else: We must accept ourselves.

Allowing Others to Be Vulnerable

By becoming vulnerable to yourself, you move toward being vulnerable in your relationships and, just as importantly, being able to accept the vulnerability of those you love. This can be some of the hardest work we do: allowing the people we depend on to have their own vulnerabilities, their own weaknesses, their own struggles.

When vulnerability is not allowed in a relationship, it separates people, no matter how much they love each other. A person may love someone, but he or she may also want that person to be something he or she is not, or to just plain stop having the pain or struggle that he or she does. This dynamic can create a vicious cycle of resentment and frustration in one person, and a sense of confinement, judgment, and claustrophobia in the other.

Practice

Maybe this sounds simple to you, or perhaps complicated and confusing. It all begins with whatever moment you are in. And it takes baby steps. If you are interested in exploring more, note the time and do this five-step practice for the next five minutes:

1. Take three deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Soften your shoulders, your forehead, your eyes.
2. Become vulnerable to everything happening in this moment. All the feelings, all the thoughts. Accept and allow everything. Soften toward every part of yourself. Breathe.
3. Soften all resistance to what is here. Feel the energy of your body, emotions, and mind. Feel whatever pain you may be having. Don’t label or think about it, just sense it fully. Don’t push anything away. Breathe.
4. Allow the waterfall that is the experience of each passing moment to wash over you. Just for this moment, accept fully and forgive yourself for all the failings and faults, all the regrets and mistakes that are marching through your mind. Let go of the fight and allow yourself to be just as you are right now. Breathe.
5. Now return to the top and continue the practice. Close your eyes as you are able, repeating the steps and continuing to soften and breathe.

We all know the feeling, but few of us want to talk about it. Shame often runs our lives and undermines our relationships, but we often keep it hidden. We’re ashamed of being ashamed. I felt it today when my wife reminded me of something I had said to her that was unkind. I pride myself on being a sensitive, caring man, and when she pointed out this shortcoming, I could feel the shame rise up in me. I felt myself getting warm. My first thought was, “I didn’t do it.” My first words were, “I never said it.” I felt confused and off balance. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to disappear.

I was awash in my shame, but I tried to cover my discomfort. Shame is such a wretched feeling, most of us try and deny we are feeling it, hoping that if we don’t look at it, shame will magically disappear. But shame is stubborn. The more we deny it, the more it sticks to us like glue.

Recent research shows that shame is conceptualized as a multidimensional construct, manifesting in various physical and emotional ways. Shame manifests physically in a wide variety of forms. “The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget,” psychotherapist Marc Miller said. Other responses may include irritability, annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration, or denial. Research indicates that the strongest correlates of shame across studies include individual differences in nonacceptance of negative emotions and expressive suppression. Because the effect of shame often interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a blank mind.

“Man is the only animal that blushes,” Mark Twain once said. “Or needs to.” He reminds us how central shame is to the human experience.

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When couples come to me for counseling, they rarely mention shame as a cause for their difficulty. Yet I’ve found that shame is a major factor of relationship problems. Research shows that shame can have a severe negative impact on intimate relationships, leading to negative shame loops between partners. We know that couples often fight about money and sex. He gets angry when she spends money on things he thinks are not important. Underneath his anger we often find feelings of inadequacy. Beneath her spending patterns may be feelings of loneliness and unworthiness.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Shame often operates alongside other vulnerabilities such as fear, grief, or insecurity rather than existing in isolation.”

One partner wants more sex, and the other feels tired or withdrawn. One gets angry. The other feels hurt. Shame is rarely discussed, but is always present. One may feel like a lousy lover. The other may feel unattractive.

Recent umbrella reviews show that a relative majority of studies conceptualize shame as a multidimensional construct, representing what Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued was an entire family of emotions. This family includes humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often experienced as a critical inner voice that judges us as “damaged goods,” inadequate, inferior, or worthless.

Shame in Men and Women

I’ve found the things that trigger shame differ in men and women. Research confirms that gender stereotypes maintain that women experience more guilt and shame than men, with meta-analyses showing small but significant gender differences (d = -0.29 for shame). Women often feel shame when they are unable to do all the things they think they should do. They must be a good mother, a sexy wife, a successful breadwinner, a caring friend, a good sister, and more. Studies show that women avoid the shame they may have if others observe that they overestimated themselves, while men do not seem to be similarly shame averse, possibly due to different societal expectations where men are expected to be overconfident.

The list is smaller for men. Shame usually manifests when we don’t feel strong. Dr. Brené Brown, an expert on shame, says, “While women are faced with a web of many layered, competing, and conflicting expectations, there seems to be one major expectation for men—do NOT appear weak.”

I’ve also found that men and women often react to shame differently. Research indicates larger gender gaps in shame with trait versus state scales, and gender differences in shame about domains such as the body, sex, and food tend to be larger than other domains. While individual responses to shame vary widely and are not strictly gender-bound, often women often blame themselves when they feel ashamed. They look embarrassed. They turn inward. Men often blame others when they feel ashamed. They often look angry. They may explode outward.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “While patterns can differ across socialization, people of any gender may turn shame inward or outward depending on personality, history, and context.”

In fact, male violence is often an attempt to ward off shame. Recent research shows masculinity threats lead to emotions including shame, guilt, and a reduction in empathy, and these masculinity threats predict harmful behaviors such as men’s aggression, sexual violence, anxiety, shame, self-harm, and homophobic attitudes. Dr. James Gilligan has spent more than 30 years researching anger and violence in men. His research traces the role that shame plays in the etiology of murder and shows how feelings of shame cause violent and vengeful behavior. He says, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo this ‘loss of face.’ ” Respect is important to all of us, but for men it is essential. Recent research on masculinity and violence shows that when men were targets of partner violence, many described feelings of weakness and shame, reflecting assumptions that men should be dominant and not victimized. Feeling disrespected or “dissed” can cause a man to strike out in rage.

Self-Disclosure and Empathy

The most difficult thing in the world to do when we are feeling down on ourselves is to admit how we feel. Yet self-disclosure is what we need to do to stop the cycle of shame and blame that so many of us get caught up with. Recent research on intimacy shows that self-disclosure, a fundamental component of intimacy, occurs only when vulnerability is met with acceptance rather than rejection. However, shame disrupts this process by inhibiting vulnerability and promoting defensive strategies. It’s harder than hell to say to my wife, “You’re right, what I said was unkind. I’m sorry.” But that’s the key to washing the shame away.

Attachment research shows that shame loops within couple relationships may not only be triggered by negative cues, such as criticism from a partner, but can also innocently be triggered by a partner seeking connection or even offering comfort. It feels counterintuitive. We’re afraid that if we admit our faults, we’ll feel even more ashamed. But the opposite is true. The more we’re able to say, “Yes, I messed up,” or, “Yes, I made a mistake,” or, “Yes, I’m sorry for what I said,” the better we feel about ourselves.

We all know the good feeling we get when we can own our mistakes and be forgiven. But that takes empathy on the part of our partner. Our partner has to be able to feel with us, not blame us or put us down. Recent clinical trials of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy show significant improvements in intimacy and reductions in shame when couples learn to address these dynamics. For men, it often means admitting our weakness. And for women, it means accepting that we can still be strong, adequate men, even when we are weak.

Men need also to practice empathy with the women in our lives. We have to understand the things we do that shame them, the subtle ways we may put them down. And we all need to be more empathic with ourselves. We don’t have to be successful at everything, all the time. We don’t have to be strong all the time and hide our weakness. We can learn to love and accept the wonderful, flawed, human beings we all are.

References:

1. Mirzazade, Z., Molazade, J., & Hadianfard, H. (2025). The effect of emotionally focused couple therapy (EFCT) on shame and intimacy in couples: a randomized controlled trial (RCT). BMC Psychology, 13, 1111. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03415-3
2. Frediani, M. J., et al. (2024). Seeking connection can trigger shame loops in couples: An attachment-based understanding. Family Process, 63(1), 34-47. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12888
3. Vescio, T. K., et al. (2025). Masculinity threats sequentially arouse public discomfort, anger, and positive attitudes toward sexual violence. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 51(1), 3-20. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231179431
4. Stanaland, A., Gaither, S., & Gassman-Pines, A. (2023). When is masculinity “fragile”? An expectancy-discrepancy-threat model of masculine identity. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 27(4), 285-315. https://doi.org/10.1177/10888683221141176
5. Swerdlow, B. A., Sandel, D. B., & Johnson, S. L. (2023). Shame on me for needing you. Emotion, 23(3), 737-752. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001109
6. O’Donnell, S., et al. (2024). Masculinity and violence interconnectedness: Defining and reconciling the gender paradox among men with cumulative lifetime violence histories. SAGE Open, 14(3), 21582440241266998. https://doi.org/10.1177/21582440241266998
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A client recently described how thrilling it was to take her daughter to see the Broadway musical Annie.  She recalled that her mother took her to see it when she was a child, and it had been an indelibly wonderful experience. Now she had the pleasure of providing the same thrill for her daughter. I thought how special it was for my client to share this with her daughter and how lucky my client was that her daughter had the same feelings about the experience. It also reminded me that so many parents who want to provide what they believe to be all the right things for their children are not always met with such good feelings.

I recalled another client whose desire to recreate his delight for his son was dashed when he took him to the rodeo and was met with the response, “This is stupid.” In spite of their most nurturing and positive intentions, parents may find that their wishes and rules for their children are met with rejection. This can create painful feelings, including insult, hurt, anger, and disappointment. “Drew,” a 42-year-old client, was in a prolonged struggle with his 8-year-old daughter about piano lessons she adamantly refused to take. He told me, “When I was a kid, I refused to continue piano lessons after a few months. My parents never insisted I continue. I’m not going to let that happen to my daughter. She isn’t old enough to know what she wants or what the consequences of her actions will be.”

As Drew and I explored his feelings, it became clear that he not only felt disappointed, he felt rejected by his daughter. “It feels like she is telling me, ‘Get out of here, you don’t know what’s good for me,’ ” he said. I responded: “I can see how upset you are about this, but I wonder what it is that makes you feel so personally rejected. Is it possible that your daughter is different from you?” Drew’s first response was, “She’s my daughter and she is like me. I just know this is very important for her to do. When I was a child, I didn’t know I was making a terrible mistake. My parents should have known and pushed me to continue.”

It took a lot of talking for Drew to become aware of his many disappointments about the ways his parents had been involved in his life when he was a child. He began to consider that he might not need to protect his daughter from this disappointment. He recognized that his daughter might, like him, regret not learning the piano, but forcing her to take lessons could easily turn her away from the piano. He realized that her experience and development was and will be different from his and she is a different person with her own thoughts and feelings. After all, she has different parents than he did. The more Drew could understand his daughter’s need to differentiate from him, the easier it was not to feel so rejected and hurt.

When parents assert their desires for their children, it is not unusual for them to be met with expressions of different or opposing wants and needs. Pushing back against what parents want is a necessary part of a child’s development. For a healthy sense of self to grow, children need to differentiate from their parents and become unique, separate, individual selves. This doesn’t mean children are totally different from or always in opposition to their parents. It does mean children need to develop minds of their own. Having one’s own mind is about being able to think about your needs and wants without being overly influenced by others. Ideally, the wishes of others are considered, but ultimately one makes his or her own life choices. Obviously, the degree of autonomy for a 4-year-old differs from that of a 13-year-old and again for a 20-year-old. When children are not given the space to differentiate from their parents and don’t develop a self that is confident and strong, they will not have developed the autonomy to make life choices and get what they want as they enter full adulthood.

At age 53, “Anne” was struggling with her teenage son, “Noah.” She came to therapy expressing feelings of anger and insult from their encounters. She explained that he fought her at every turn about anything she asked of him: cleaning his room, doing household chores, getting his college applications completed.  “I don’t believe how he treats me,” she said. “He says things like, ‘Leave me alone and mind your own business.’ Is that any way to speak to your mother? I feel so hurt and insulted. Doesn’t he know I only want what’s best for him?” In great distress, Anne added, “He has become a terrible person. He is so mean and inconsiderate. He seems like a completely different person than the son I felt loved me a year ago.”

As we talked, Anne described how when she was growing up she never went against her parents. When we explored her past and present relationships, Anne began to wonder if her early experiences being compliant are related to her difficulty asserting herself as an adult. She described how difficult it is for her to disagree with her husband and how she doesn’t always feel so good about herself. She realized that it wasn’t just with her son that she felt so badly treated. “I guess I don’t feel very powerful,” she said. “I have a lot of trouble believing that what I think and feel is OK. I always followed the rules with my parents. Maybe I didn’t develop what Noah needs to do—be someone who feels OK asserting himself when there is opposition.” Many parents with teenagers experience difficult feelings in their parent-teenager relationships. For Anne, the feelings of insult and rejection were intolerable. Even worse for her was the terrible shame she felt about her negative feelings toward her son: “I’m the terrible person. Mothers shouldn’t feel this way.”

How to handle this kind of situation with teenagers is controversial. Furthermore, how any parent hears what a child says is open to interpretation and may be related to how the parent differentiated from his or her own parents. While Anne felt insulted and hurt, another parent in these circumstances might shrug and think, “When will these awful teenage years pass?” On one end of the continuum of parental response, parents might believe that a child of any age should never be permitted to say anything that is hurtful, disrespectful, or angry to a parent. At the other end of the response continuum, parents might accept any expression their child makes without intervening. An extreme example might be if a teenager said, “You’re an awful parent, you have no business having children,” and a parent made no protest about being treated that way. On this far end of the continuum, the lack of a parental response to push against doesn’t provide the child with the feeling that there is a strong parental self to separate from. If there is no other out there to individuate from, it becomes difficult for a child to develop a sense of who he or she is and the ability to be autonomous. The child is left wondering, “Who am I?” Potentially more problematic, the child may be left with a feeling of powerlessness. He or she has not been given the experience of successfully asserting his or her developing self in the world.

There is a lot of room along this continuum for parents to develop responses that feel comfortable to them while allowing some room for their children to develop their unique selves. It helps if parents let their children know what behaviors are acceptable. For instance, telling a child, “You can’t talk to me that way” is not the same as saying, “You can’t be angry at me,” or “You are hurting my feelings.”

When children respond to parents in disappointing or unacceptable ways, it is important that parents stop and consider how they will meet that response. Each situation requires thought. Sometimes, interfering with the child’s wishes or experiences provides an opportunity for the child to push back against the parent and feel a sense of his or her developing self. At other times, supporting the child’s differentiation provides the child with a sense of confidence and recognition of his or her developing self. No matter the age of the child, parents who are curious and interested in why there is disparity or opposition are communicating their openness to more than one way of behaving and/or feeling. This openness to difference helps children develop into self-confident, autonomous adults. Moreover, parents are less likely to repeat the dynamics of their own childhoods if they consider their children’s behavior from a developmental perspective. They will be in a better position to not take things so personally and will feel less hurt, insulted, or disrespected by their children.

Many mental health professionals consider the three “A’s”—addiction, affairs, and abuse—sufficient reason to leave a partner. This blog addresses lower-level offenses related to the first two. While most couples can overcome low-level indiscretions in any area of the three “A’s,” when multiple indiscretions occur or the degree of severity is greater, it may be time to throw in the proverbial towel. As couples grapple with why one partner cheated or entered the depths of alcoholism or drug addiction, they need to evaluate the patterns of relating they have become used to, the interpersonal dynamics they engage in, the dances they dance, and the issues they may have brought into the relationship. One theme that consistently emerges is the degree to which couples are honest with each other. How much do they divulge? How important is it to tell the truth? Do you really need to tell your partner everything?

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we hear people say, “We are as sick as our secrets.” Family addiction therapists are fond of saying that there are no family secrets. By this, they mean that even when we believe that other family members don’t know a certain secret, that secret still has an impact on everyone in the family. If individual members don’t know the specifics of the secret, they are still impacted by it and sense or experience it unconsciously—and that can affect the whole family. I work with patients who learned in their twenties or later in life that they were adopted, that their parents were once married to an abusive spouse, or that they have a sibling they never knew, among other revelations.

I’ve also become aware of the extent to which sober and recovering clients keep things from their partners. Even in relatively healthy relationships, there appears to be a fair amount of small-scale concealment and deception, though the extent of the infractions often is debatable. Several clients I see—coincidentally or not, all men—have reported engaging in exercise cheating. What’s that, you ask? Exercise cheating, essentially, is exercising and not telling your partner, or not revealing how much or what type of exercise one engages in.

Even I have been guilty of cheating on my wife. A few years back, as I was setting up my new Philadelphia office, I decided to buy a painting by an artist that my wife and I liked. My wife studies art history, and I thought she would appreciate that I was acquiring a painting by a Temple University master’s graduate. And while $650 is no small chunk of change for this sort of thing, I thought it was a great investment for my new office. I thought I would surprise her with the purchase. Instead, she was angry. “You art cheated!” she cried as soon as she saw it. She was genuinely annoyed that I had not consulted with her on a purchase of this magnitude. Whether I was right or wrong in purchasing something of that cost for my office was not the issue. What is important is my partner’s perceived betrayal and need for dialogue, negotiation, and consultation.

Many hypothesize that cheating behavior is related to vestiges of evolutionary differences among men and women. While this theory would be a gross generalization in today’s society, it suggests that it was more adaptive in an evolutionary way for men to cheat than for women to cheat. Assuming evolution prioritizes any behavior designed to propagate one’s genes, men may benefit from spreading their genes in a quantity-focused way. Women, meanwhile, have long gestation and nursing periods which may temporarily move them to be more devoted and committed to their offspring. Thus, they benefit from finding a better quality mate. In other words, women are biologically, or at least evolutionarily, better at taking care of their young, especially in early developmental stages. Most people agree, and research appears to back this up, that most men think about sex more frequently than women do. While both men and women want to find a quality mate, men may be more inclined to seek quantity than women are.

According to this evolutionary perspective, neither men nor women want their mates to cheat because a mate who cheats may have more offspring, which in turn means that mate is less likely to care for the original partner’s offspring and more likely to leave and care for his or her new offspring. It is in a man’s evolutionarily best interest not to alert his partner to the fact he is cheating. Any behavior—sexual or not—that results in producing healthy offspring is powerfully reinforced to the extent that it aids in propagating an individual’s genes. So, infidelity and hiding that infidelity through the processes of natural selection and evolution can become more prevalent over time.

A fair question would be whether cheating sexually is related at all to other types of cheating. Just because a partner doesn’t tell a mate where he or she is going and what he or she is doing doesn’t mean that an affair is happening, and it doesn’t mean that a tendency toward nonmonogamous behavior is the cause of disingenuous behavior in the context of the couple. In fact, the point of this article is to lessen the impact of minor violations of the honesty contract. Putting small indiscretions of dishonesty in an evolutionary context may allow couples to see this behavior as resulting from the natural instincts of the animals we are. What is important, though, is that as humans we have the capacity to dialogue. This is precisely what can keep our natural tendencies in check. Speaking honestly to our partners about our needs and wants, while often challenging, is the hallmark of a healthy relationship.

Smoking gun example: A client once described an interaction he had with his wife after she busted him for smoking pot in the garage. She smelled the smoke even as he vehemently denied he had been smoking marijuana. When she found his metal pipe, still warm, he stuck to his story. “The lie just came out,” he explained later. “I was so used to it.” He eventually was able to talk about why he lied and why he has often felt the need to cover things up. It had nothing to do with infidelity, but was instead linked to his history of struggling to feel good about himself, to be able to ask for help with his emotions feelings and thoughts and to find purpose and meaning in his life. Beginning to discuss these issues with his wife and therapist helped him think more carefully about his tendency to lie and cover his tracks. He became better at advocating for himself and negotiating with his partner in a more healthy way.

Honesty is important in recovery from any mental health issue, whether it be depression, anxiety, or stress, but it is especially important in recovery from addiction and substance use because of the strong tendencies to hide, deny, and minimize one’s behaviors. Seeing an addiction psychologist or other specialist is an important first step in understanding one’s self. It is in this therapeutic relationship that a quick foundation can be set for the basis of an honest dialogue with one’s partner, friends, and family. Rebuilding relationships with those we love and who love us is essential to recovery from addiction. Understanding ourselves and the reasons we might cheat and lie can enable us to pause just long enough to ask ourselves whether we really want to go ahead with the behavior or if we might be able to rely on those close to us to help us through the difficult times. Honest communication with the people in our lives is the only way we can become and stay sober or make meaningful and lasting changes in our lives.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this from couples during a session. Something big happens between them, like one person cheated, the offending party apologizes but the difficulty continues and the person who said sorry wonders why. The person who got hurt wants to feel better. The person who has apologized becomes exasperated because he or she feels they have done everything they can. “I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?”

Unfortunately this is frustrating for both people. Each person wants to feel better, yet both feel like something is unfinished. The person who hurt the other wants to make their partner whole, but the words “I am sorry” are just not enough. Why not? Why aren’t they enough? Why isn’t just saying I am sorry for what I have done to you enough?

If it were enough we wouldn’t be talking about what isn’t finished. And what’s not finished is the healing that the wounded feels and continues to experience. The person who got wounded is usually in some deep pain. When the person who caused the hurt says “I am sorry”, that usually lifts the guilt of the person who offended, but it doesn’t begin to heal the deep pain the offense caused. That’s why just saying “I am sorry” is not enough.

So what would be enough? What can couples do to really fix a gaping whole that exists between them? The first thing I like to help couples do is understand what happened. It’s much deeper than explaining what a person did to the other. Often couples feel that if they talk about the problem one time, it’s all done. Unfortunately many couples will delve into a difficult topic, talk about it once, and then both will feel the issue is settled. But it’s not. I know that the first conversation is crucial, but it is only a very first baby step. That’s all, just one little tiny baby step.

Think about it. You are wounded by your partner’s infidelity. You are devastated and you don’t know if you can forgive and forget at this moment. Your world is rocked and you aren’t sure if you will even be able to go on living with this person. Now your mate sees your condition and says to you, “I love you. I am so sorry for what I have done. Will you forgive me?”

In a moment of feeling lost and alone you hear those words and they feel like medicine on a very hurt heart. Your partner says he or she is sorry, that they love you, and that they want you to forgive them. They promise they will not leave you and they deeply emphasize how truly sorry they are for hurting you. You feel so sad and lost you just want to make everything better, like it was before you were wounded. You want this so much you say with all the hope in the world, “Yes. I forgive you. I love you too.”

And for the moment you really believe you will be OK. In that one magical moment you hope you will be able to go back to the way you were and make everything the way it was before the affair, before you knew any of this.

And everything is OK for that moment. But that moment doesn’t last very long because in your mind the next image you have is of your partner with the other person. You start to wonder when he or she stopped being faithful to you and became interested in another. You start to think about times when he or she might have lied to you. You begin to wonder about the moments you might have suspected something but you brushed it aside because you believed they would never do anything like that to you. You knew in your heart they could never do anything like that to you.

You live afraid that everything you know is crumbling and you don’t know what to do. You can’t move. You live in disbelief that the one who you committed yourself to has been unfaithful. You try and bring up some of these feelings because they are eating you alive. You try and talk to your mate but when you bring up the subject he or she gets angry and says, “I already said I was sorry. What else can I do?”

Healing after a breach like infidelity takes time and work. An apology is a place to start, but that is all it does; it open the door to the next process. And that next step includes understanding what happened, for both people, and asking all the hard questions like, “Do you still want me?”

To learn more about apologies, anger, and infidelity, contact Linda Nusbaum and read Linda’s blog about couples and relationships.

It is devastating for a partner to find out that the person they love is battling sex addiction by losing themselves in pornography or, even worse, engaging in multiple affairs. The partner is questioning whether they even want to be in the relationship, let alone rebuild trust. However, if both are willing to do the hard work by taking a look at what each individual needs to labor through and agree to a transparent and consistent plan, trust can be rebuilt and eventually restored.

So what does it take to make restoring trust possible? Here are a few important factors that can help the couple on their journey toward healing:

Understand the difference in forgiveness and trust.

Remember, forgiveness is for the person that has been hurt, not the offender! This releases them from holding the offense over the other person and gives them the chance to start healing. Too often, the sex addict feels that forgiveness equals trust and that can cause frustration for both individuals involved. Trust has to be rebuilt and restored over time where forgiveness is a choice when the time is right. Forgiveness can be a great step but it is only that, a step. If this principle can clearly be grasped, especially by the one battling sex addiction, it can go a long way in alleviating pressure from an already tense situation. (more…)