Play is an important part of a child’s development. It enables them to engage creativity and learn necessary social skills. Children are often introduced to concepts like sharing, taking turns, and working together when they participate in group play. This critical time of development allows children to learn how to practice patience, empathy, and other necessary social skills. Although the research on play has demonstrated the many benefits, such as creativity and emotional maturity, few studies have looked at how creativity exhibited through play affects storytelling and divergent thinking, two aspects that further emotional regulation and enhance psychological development.

To address this, Jessica Hoffman and Sandra Russ of the Department of Psychology at Case Western Reserve University conducted a study involving 61 young girls in kindergarten through fourth grade. The team used the Affect in Play Scale to assess the girls’ mood processes and cognitive behaviors as they construed narratives. The researchers also relied on parent reports to measure emotional regulation and evaluated the girls for divergent thinking abilities throughout the task. They found the pretend play allowed the girls to express creativity that directly increased their divergent thinking abilities. The creative play enhanced storytelling skills of the participants and allowed them to express high levels of emotional regulation. The team also explored how executive functioning was affected by creative play but found no relationship.

Hoffman noted that the participants in this study were typically performing young girls and believes that additional research on clinical and nonclinical participants would further add to the limited literature on the many positive influences of pretend play. She said, “Overall, results of this study are promising with regards to the associations between pretend play and other important life skills for children.” With play therapy and other creative approaches receiving more attention in recent years, understanding the forces behind these often successful treatment methods is vital for clinicians interested in using these techniques.

Reference:
Hoffan, J., Russ, S. (2012). Pretend play, creativity, and emotion regulation in children. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity and the Arts 6.2, 175-184.

Never underestimate the power of talking with someone who really listens.

Our culture doesn’t encourage people to talk about their emotional pain. Our culture teaches people to suppress their feelings. People tell each other not to “whine” about problems or not to “dwell” on them. People are told to “get over it” and to “be strong,” meaning “don’t feel anything—and if you do, don’t talk about it or show it.”

One example of this is when only certain emotions are deemed “appropriate.” Anger, especially for men, is more acceptable than sadness or anything vulnerable. So, for many men, emotions like sadness, loneliness, disappointment, anxiety, guilt, and shame get funneled into expressions that look like anger. Unhealthy coping mechanisms—such as using alcohol, other substances, or addictive activities—are taken up in order to push the genuine feelings down. These provide some temporary relief but, ultimately, undermine a person’s strength, health, and functionality.

Most people, when they feel upset, benefit by talking to someone who listens patiently, nonjudgmentally, empathically, and who shows that he/she understands at a deep level. There is something basic in the way human beings react when receiving this simple, but skillful, response to talking about their emotional pain.

Depression is no different from any other emotional pain, in this sense. [fat_widget_right]If everyone who felt depressed was comfortable talking about it to a good listener, we would have far fewer depressed people—possibly even fewer people on antidepressants.

Recently, a psychiatrist who was treating a friend of mine said that few people truly have a chemical imbalance causing their depression. Maybe this is why some research shows that antidepressants work about as well as placebos. Maybe the placebo works because the patients get some caring human contact before taking the pill. Human contact goes hand-in-hand with talking. We all need to see people smile at us, be warm toward us, perhaps even touch us in a friendly, appropriate way. Warm, caring human contact is essential for us to live and thrive.

Ideally, we would all have this in our lives without having to pay someone to get it. We would all have friends, relatives, spiritual leaders, mentors, teachers, or healers around to listen and care when we are upset. Yet our culture no longer supports this basic need. We are too busy. Many of us come from families who have abused us, or from whom we are separated. We often live alone, or have only our immediate family around. We are not connected to a church or community where this kind of talking may have been more available in the past. Instead we put value on the rational, over the emotional, to the extreme. As a result, many people end up trying to hide their tears and vulnerability, thus creating more alienation and isolation. Ironically, suppressing our feelings and being deprived of warm contact actually makes us more susceptible to depression, making people think they have even more to hide.

So if you are feeling depressed or in emotional pain, try to find someone you can talk to—someone who will listen deeply and without judgement. Talk to him/her about everything that’s seriously bothering you, and keep talking until you feel relief (even if you have to go through several people to have as much time talking as you need). If there’s no one in your life like this, and you don’t think you can find anyone, find a good therapist. It will help to do your talking with a highly trained, skilled, and naturally intuitive professional. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to prevent depression, or deeper depression. It’s really so simple (though not always easy), yet so important.

All too often, compromised energy levels are a lingering impact of traumatic experiences, particularly ongoing or frequent traumatic events in childhood.

Compromised energy means that you simply do not have enough energy to tackle certain tasks. In addition, traumatic experiences often prevent people from learning how to manage their energy levels. This encompasses everything from recognizing when you are running low on energy to knowing how to build an energy reservoir and stamina.

Understanding Energy

Take a quick moment and think about all the energy it took to get through today. Think about the physical energy, as well as emotional and mental energy. Of these three types of energy, physical energy is possibly the most obvious. We have all experienced times when we were simply too tired to engage in a task because our physical energy was just not up to it. Many factors, including sleep, nutrition, exercise, medications, and substance use, can impact your physical energy level.

These factors also impact your emotional and mental energy levels. Emotional energy is used when you interact with emotions, whether in a productive or unhealthy manner. You use emotional energy when you identify an emotion, express it, act on it, calm it, understand it, and so on. Mental energy is the energy you use when thinking, planning, making logical decisions, and following through with your decisions and plans.

When traumatic life events have “stunted” your development of energy management tools, it is important to include learning these skills in your healing work. Broadly speaking, there are three categories of skills you will want to learn for each of the types of energy: the skills necessary for monitoring your energy level, those needed in order to manage your energy, and those that will increase the staying power of your energy.

Monitoring Your Energy Levels

How aware are you of your physical, emotional, and mental energies? Is there one type of energy that you are more aware of? Do you recognize when these energy levels are full and geared up for action, when they are at their midpoint, or when you are close to being empty? Or do you only become aware of your energy level when you are past empty and burnt out? Becoming aware of energy levels before you hit burnout will allow you to refuel before you run out of energy.

Physical energy can be a great one to start practicing these skills with. Take some time throughout the day—maybe every hour or two—and check in with yourself. How awake or tired are you? How full or hungry?

Imagine your energy levels as a gas gauge with marks at full, ¾ full, ½ full, ¼ full, and empty. When you check in with each of these physical experiences, determine where you fit on that scale.  Are you past the point of energy, but not quite tired? Are you not full but not hungry? By figuring out where you’re at, you can determine what you need to do to manage your energy and satiation levels: take a nap, go on a walk, eat a snack, say no to the offer of a snack, or whatever works for you.

Managing Your Energy

Once you can identify your energy levels, you can determine what you need to do to keep your energy at workable and beneficial levels. Let’s look at emotional energy. Say your emotional energy is still at the ¾ full mark, despite it being late in the day. Maybe now would be a good time to call a friend and extend support. Maybe you can take time to reflect on, process, or journal about a recent upsetting experience.

If you notice that your emotional energy is close to empty, but you still have a few emotionally taxing tasks to do,  it would be wise to carve out a bit of time to refuel yourself. Reach out to an emotionally supportive friend, take a break and head to an emotionally restorative place in nature (even if it is just smelling the neighbor’s roses), or take a few moments to breathe deeply, read an encouraging piece of prose or poetry, and so on. If you become aware that you have experienced several days on empty, you may want to consider dedicating your weekend to replenishing, rather than extending, your emotional energy.

Building Energy Reserves and Stamina

If learning how to replenish your energy reserves is one side of a coin, then building stamina is the other. This skill requires a great deal of gentleness and care: many survivors of trauma push themselves to have too much stamina, not allowing themselves to honor their limits.

With this in mind, building your stamina is nonetheless an important pursuit. Just like building physical stamina, developing a deeper mental energy reservoir requires practice in small increments. When you notice that you are approaching empty, but not quite there yet—somewhere just less than ¼ full—gather your mental energy and sustain your focus and effort for another 10 to 15 minutes. Rather than exiting the activity to replenish your energy level, stay engaged and practice hanging in there. If you simply do not have enough mental energy to stay with your current task, try switching to a less demanding activity that still engages your mental energy.

Use Energy to Bring Healing to Your Life

Feel free to play with these ideas and apply the ones that resonate with you. Practice each type of skill (monitoring, replenishing, and building stamina) with each type of energy (physical, emotional, and mental). Be as creative as you can be and brainstorm additional ways to grow these skills. In so doing, you reclaim crucial abilities and further your healing.

Practice these skills in a safe environment and in a manner that can only benefit you. Never do anything in the name of healing that could actually bring damage to you. As always, keep in mind that you do not need to heal on your own. Reach out to support groups, loving friends, supportive family, and trained professionals. We are all here to help you grow.

Whether or not we believe we should talk about sex with our therapist in treatment may have something to do with what we believe therapy is for or what the expected outcome is.

Are you going to therapy for a relationship issue? For a mental disorder such as depression or anxiety? To overcome trauma? Or because you are having a difficult time adjusting to a new situation? Therapy is useful for a multitude of issues, and no, sex may not be the most significant thing affected by a particular issue, but it definitely doesn’t hurt for the therapist to ask about it, to allow for the conversation to include some open, honest discussion not just about sex but also about sexuality, to at least let the client know it is okay to bring up the topic of sex in the therapist’s office.

Pervasive in our society is the inability to talk about sex, awkwardness, and embarrassment, which in turn leave us often bereft of the coping skills required to handle sexual issues in our relationship as they come up. When we avoid talking about sex with our partners, it can lead us down the path of avoiding talking about lots of other things as well. We all know that open, honest communication is key in successful relationships, so the absence of conversation and inability to talk about sex with our partners can be like a ripple effect in the breakdown of communication in a relationship.  And when we go to therapy and our therapist also doesn’t feel comfortable talking about sex, the therapist in turn perpetuates what society has taught us—that sex is too taboo to talk about. This may be okay for some, but not for all. Some people want a more comprehensive experience.  Some people want more than just a quick fix for their problems. Some people want to address the problems at their root. Some people want real change and real growth.

In treating relationships, sex must be addressed. Sex is not always everything, but in relationships it is definitely something. Most therapists treat some aspect of relationships. Even when an individual comes in for treatment for depression, anxiety, trauma, a new life situation, etc., if the person in therapy is involved in a relationship, or is dating, or even if they are single and celibate, a few questions encouraging open, honest communication about any concerns he/she has about sex can make all the difference in the world. Therapy should be a nonjudgmental safe haven where an individual can work stuff out, ask questions, and find answers. An avoidant therapist who is uncomfortable talking about sex sends a subtle message that can perpetuate feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment about sex, which in the end thwarts growth. Therapy should promote growth, not thwart it.  In couples therapy, it is absolutely pertinent to ask about sex.

Feelings about our sexuality and our bodies are core in our lives. Many people walk around feeling bad about their desires or fantasies. Shame and guilt about sex are extremely common, and people have very little awareness of this. If a self-loathing, self-hating, guilt-ridden client comes to therapy, is it not best to address where the feelings come from? A client may not be that aware of the root of the problems. It is important for the therapist to open the door for exploration and discussion.

Therapists do not even have to be especially knowledgeable about sex. In fact, therapists rarely know anything about what the client has experienced, in terms of sex or any other aspects of the person’s life. Therapists are trained to ask questions in order to understand the client’s experience. The client is the expert on his or her experience. A therapist’s job is to ask questions and provide a nonjudgmental environment to foster the client’s growth.  In looking at it from this model, therapists do not need to be well-versed in something to be open about it.

Therapy is a holistic health treatment that is helpful in guiding people to lead happier, healthier, genuine, and more honest lives all the way around. In therapy we attempt to break down the road blocks that prevent us from moving forward on our life journey, whether it be in our relationships at work or with our friends, family, or partner. Many psychological issues have a physical manifestation. It is important to remember that a sexual issue may be a representation of something bigger, stemming from depression, anxiety, or a relationship problem. We cannot treat problems in a vacuum. Mind and body are connected. When you leave sex out of treatment, the client’s journey remains incomplete.

Related articles:
Sex Talk
The Importance of Addressing Sexual Issues in General Therapy
The Elephant in the Room: Why We Need Full Disclosure in Sex Therapy

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. -Dalai Lama

In life we encounter many different experiences. Some are joyful and uplifting, and others are painful and challenging. When we encounter joy, there is a yearning to have it last forever, but when there’s pain our first reaction is to avoid, ignore, or push it away. When we react to joy or pain with any form of resistance—clinging to joy, pushing away or ignoring pain—we suffer. What helps us walk through our suffering and the suffering of others is to become aware of when we are reacting to pain and learn to transform this reaction into a compassionate, caring response.

Cultivating a Compassionate Response

My first encounter in learning to confront suffering with compassion was many years ago, when I held a position as an intern at a center for survivors of domestic violence. In this environment, I learned a great deal about extreme suffering, as the women I encountered lived in a hostile, aggressive, and sometimes dangerous environment. In the beginning I felt overwhelmed just trying to learn how to help people deal with life-threatening, painful situations while remaining objective. Working in this setting was stressful, and I recall leaving the center in tears as I watched clients return to hostile and oftentimes dangerous situations. It brought up deep feelings of helplessness, frustration, and judgment.

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In helping these survivors, my initial reaction was to try and fix, change, or in some way rescue them. This was a reactive response as I was trying to get the pain (theirs and mine) to subside, and guess what? It didn’t work! It only increased my own feelings of helplessness and didn’t create the supportive, compassionate environment that promotes healing and empowerment. Luckily, I had a compassionate, patient, and wonderful supervisor who taught me that providing a nonjudgmental presence, connecting with an open heart, and having compassion towards the person, and myself, as I listened to their stories was what healed. This meant I had to let go of trying to control the outcome and allow myself to be present with their pain and my own. It was a growth experience that continues to help me in my professional and personal life.

Opening Heart and Mind Helps Connect and Heal

Running groups for survivors of domestic violence, I hear stories about physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. These stories are traumatic and heart-breaking. They all share a common theme of fear, loss of identity, and confusion. The shared experience of having to set aside their needs in an attempt to meet the needs of a controlling partner, whose wants and expectations are insatiable and unrealistic, left them with a sense of low self-worth, shame, and suffering. What helps them heal and become empowered is their ability to let go of judgment, share their stories in a supportive environment, and learn to develop a practice of self-care and compassion.

What Gets in the Way of Compassion

As we travel through life we will encounter pain. It might be through the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or recovery from a severe illness. Or perhaps it’s the small stuff that brings up feelings of shame, inadequacy, or worthlessness. When this happens, the tendency is to get lost in judgment; we beat ourselves or others up in an attempt to stop the pain. This only intensifies our suffering. Caught in this reactive response we forget that there’s a real need to treat ourselves with kindness, love, and compassion. When we turn towards suffering with compassion it helps us heal and reconnect with life.

The Practice of Compassion

In helping people learn the skill of transforming reactivity into a compassionate and caring response, I use the example of a hurt child or a pet. I ask them how they would help a child who is sad or a pet that is hurt. What would that response look like? They usually state they’d give the child or pet a hug and comfort them with kind words or a gentle touch. Our deepest need, when we are in pain, is compassion; this is what helps us heal. It is not a luxury, it’s a necessity! This turning towards pain, with an open heart and the intention to heal, is what helps us to live life fully.

Developing Self-Compassion

Becoming aware of when we are reacting or in any way judging ourselves is the first step. The second step is to become present with how our bodies, minds, and hearts are responding to the experience of pain. Setting an intention to be kind towards ourselves and let go of reacting is what helps us to connect with compassion.

The following are some steps you can take towards developing a caring and compassionate practice:

1. Awareness is the first step! Notice when you are reactive or triggered. Your body sends signals when reactivity happens. You might feel blood rushing to your face or a tensing up of the hands or body. Your breathing may be shallow and your thoughts may be filled with judgment.
2. Connect with the present moment by letting go of thoughts and focusing on the sensation of the breath as it comes in and out of your body, or focus on feeling the ground beneath your feet. This helps to slow down reactivity and calm the mind.
3. Place your hand on your heart in acknowledgment of the difficulty you are facing in this moment. Imagine the placing of the hand on the heart as symbolic of opening the heart to compassion or sending healing to the hurt place inside.
4. Visualize yourself held or embraced by a spiritual figure or someone who loves you.
5. Allow yourself to take in the healing sensation of compassion until you feel calmer and more connected to the present moment.

When we allow ourselves to care for ourselves and others, it is a profound act of kindness that refills the heart, energizes the body, and nourishes the soul. In that moment of opening our hearts to self and others, we recognize the immense healing power of compassion and reconnect with life and love.

May you be free from suffering.

May your heart be filled with compassion.

All of life, all of learning and growth, all of healing follows a spiral path. We return over and over to a place of pain or suffering in order to master the lessons held therein. Each revolution of the spiral brings us more experience and perspective and skill, so that our path is smoothed and we become increasingly resilient and expansive. This sounds good, but in practice it can be quite difficult.

When we find ourselves repeating old patterns we thought we had gotten rid of, dealing with the same difficult people repeatedly, or turning into a teenager again after spending 15 minutes with certain family members, we may feel discouraged. When we are trying to change our behavior from something we dislike to something we like, or to something more functional from something less functional, it is hard to find ourselves in that familiar, rotten territory—all our hard-won awareness shines a blinding light on our foibles, while our bag of well-earned tools hangs loosely at our side, for all intents and purposes utterly empty. But these are actually opportunities for change, and so we can welcome them.

It isn’t easy to change how we do things. The older we get, the more years of habit we have keeping us in the familiar groove, whether or not it serves us. Those grooves were laid down very early on, when we were soft and spongy. Those tracks can be very difficult to obliterate or alter. But not impossible.

Fear not, and do not dismay. These seeming setbacks are natural, normal, and in fact necessary to the process of living our lives, healing our suffering, and moving along our life paths. If we can accept that we have certain lessons we need to learn, it becomes less onerous when they pop up repeatedly. Comprehending the spiral nature of self-healing and understanding the stages of change can help us recognize our successes and appreciate our own hard work.

Awareness
First, we develop awareness. We notice that something isn’t right. We aren’t happy in our relationships or we aren’t satisfied with the quality of our lives. We may search for understanding, in counseling or through contemplation or self-study, or simply wake up to what we are doing. This can be a very painful part of the process of change, but it is necessary. If we don’t know what we are doing, we can’t change anything. But at this stage, we can’t usually act differently.

If we cultivate a nonjudgmental observer’s point of view, a friendly curiosity about ourselves, we can gather a lot of information. This kind, detached attitude also helps us avoid triggering the old patterns, most of which evolved out of self-protection. Refraining from attacking ourselves when we see these patterns means we won’t aggravate them further. No salt in the wound.

Alternative
Once we understand how we get ourselves in trouble, we can choose an alternative, the next stage in the process of change. The general rule here is, “just do something different.” We are talking about change, not perfection. Doing something different is a success, even if it is not pretty or smooth. Learning to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom instead of engaging in a habitual conflict is not the only strategy we will ever employ, but just breaking the momentum of a negative habit is a powerful experience.

Practice
The practice is up to us. This is the third stage. We have identified the problem, the alternative to it, and now we have to actually walk the path. We will not do it perfectly or have fabulous results every time. We will be clumsy and mess up. If we use our friendly awareness skills, we will notice that just practicing—whether it is meditating, thought-replacing, or lifting weights—is a reward in itself.

Practicing anything intentionally engages us with our lives. The more we practice the new action or thought, the less room we have for the old one. We realize that our work is paying off. We find ourselves automatically saying the new words, pausing where we might previously have rushed in, or stepping forward with confidence where once we might have hidden. We start to see that our work in one area spills over into other areas. Just as lifting heavy weights in the gym translates to ease in lifting grocery bags, children, furniture, and other previously immoveable objects, working consistently with our minds eventually brings more peace, more happiness, and less suffering to ourselves and those around us.

Please note that after the third stage—or any time, really—we circle back around to the first stage. There is no final stage where we win. The process never ends, but it gets easier with practice, so we might as well relax.

For people who are dating or dealing with the starting and ending of intimate relationships, a certain question tends to arise… can ex-partners maintain healthy roles in each others’ lives? And if so, when, where, how, and (most obviously) why? Sometimes an ex’s role is clear; for example, a couple who has children together will most likely continue as co-parents in the event of a separation. Other post-breakup scenarios have less obvious answers. Exes can, often unintentionally, fall into dysfunctional roles in each other’s lives, such as a baggage-laden “friend”, convenient sexual outlet, or receptacle of lingering animosity. Deciding how to continue forward, together or separately, after a relationship dissolves can be tricky for anyone. However, for several reasons, this quandary appears to be particularly challenging for lesbians.

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First of all, gay women’s friends and lovers are typically the same gender, making boundaries around friendships and romantic relationships more flexible. This is a challenge unique to lesbian relationships, simply because women—of any sexuality—tend to forge their closest bonds with other women. The potential for any gay-leaning friend or acquaintance to become a lover adds a level of challenge and confusion to many lesbian social circles. It is very common for lesbian friendships to morph into a more intimate configuration for a period of time, changing the interpersonal patterns within their friendship group. If the romantic relationship ends, it is often natural for the former couple to try to return to being “just friends”. It may sound simple in theory, but the physical and emotional intimacy shared and corresponding bonds established are not easily severed. And it’s not always the most comfortable of arrangements for the exes or for the new partners involved, to say the least.

This leads to another issue contributing to lesbian post-breakup complications… both partners in the couple are guided by the emotional physiology of the human female. In heterosexual relationships, a hormonal balance is generally struck so that reactions may be tempered through differing intensities of experience and response to emotional stimulation. Meaning men are often less emotionally reactive whereas women tend to be more highly sensitive. When both partners in a couple are sensitive women, the resulting emotional intensity can create significant difficulty for the ex-couple.

An anecdotal social review suggests it is uncommon for lesbians to neatly pronounce the death of a relationship and simply move forward separately without looking back. This may be related to the neurochemistry involved; women experience much stronger effects than men of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, which promotes nesting, monogamy, pair bonding, and emotional extremes. This hormone is activated very easily; a single touch starts it flowing and further intimacy-creating activities (including sex) break the dam. So, two neurochemically typical women will naturally create very tight bonds which only break with great difficulty and emotional pain. Many women avoid completely detaching from an ex in an attempt to minimize the pain involved with a breakup.

An additional piece of scientific information helps explain the difficulty of intimate breakups between women. Brain researchers have discovered that emotional and sexual intimacy between individuals creates a physical connection in the brain which cements that relationship neurologically as a meaningful attachment. The evolutionary purpose of sexual contact and its related hormonal processes is to bond people together— and these hormonal and neurological operations are especially effective in women. So when a breakup occurs, the critical healing task is to break that physical bond of intimacy in the brain in order to move forward with emotional freedom and strength. While the bond remains in tact, so do the feelings associated with the loss of the bonded object: sadness, fear, anger, shame, and love. Again, women experience and process this connection more intensely than men do, so an intimacy bond between two women can be even more difficult to break. This phenomenon is evidenced by the number of lesbians who choose to keep their exes in their lives as friends or some permutation of such. Full severing of the intimacy bond requires physical and emotional distance, negative associations with the ex-partner, and forgiveness.These goals cannot be achieved with continued contact immediately after the breakup. Any true friendship or healthy continuation of contact is possible between exes only after the bond of intimacy is completely broken.

The conclusion to be drawn from this information is that after a period of separation and deep emotional healing, ex-partners may be able to occupy space in each others’ lives. Offered below are some healthy scenarios for continuing contact with an ex, with cautions to consider.

Exes as friends. Intimate relationships are typically based on a combination of shared interests and sexual chemistry. After the chemistry dies and the emotional intimacy vanishes, the shared interests will likely remain. Rather than avoiding the places, groups, and activities they both enjoy, exes may find it more convenient to develop a civil and friendly relationship with one another in order to be at peace when their paths cross. When an intimate relationship is lost, it can be additionally painful if a cherished social circle or activity is also affected. It may, in fact, be possible for exes to resume a functional friendship after each has thoroughly healed from the loss and resolved any lingering feelings related to the relationship or breakup.

Caution: Sharing interests with an ex may be possible, but emotional sharing or activities which may rekindle the bond of intimacy (read: substance use and/or amorous exchanges) are strictly to be avoided to keep things healthily platonic.

Exes as support. If a relationship ends constructively and sufficient time has passed for the emotional fallout to settle, continued contact with an ex may serve a purpose of support in times of need. This scenario can be tricky because, again, the support being offered cannot be emotional in nature. Sharing feelings is something to be done with intimates only, if healthy boundaries are desired. If, after recovering from a breakup, an ex-partner maintains residual concern for someone with whom she spent a significant time of her life, she may be psychologically prepared to help out during a time of need. It can be nice to have a connection with a caring individual in life, as the coming and going of hard times is a fact of human existence.

Caution: It is important for exes to monitor their feelings around their supportive interactions and regain personal space as needed to resolve any lingering emotions that might threaten their peace of mind or current relationship.

Exes as history. Intimates who have experienced important eras of their lives together are irreplaceable emblems in one another’s lives. Although they move forward on their life paths, retaining a connection with the past is something that can offer comfort and a sense of continuity along life’s long and winding road. Googling someone from long ago or occasionally checking in via email can be a perfectly reasonable way to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, reflect on the past, and gain perspective on the present.

Caution: When relationships begin to sour, human nature instinctively nudges people to reflect on the past with rose-colored glasses. It is helpful to be honest with oneself about the reasons for seeking re-connection with an ex to ensure one is not escaping from a problem in their current relationship or resurrecting emotions formerly associated with their ex.

Many people believe that negotiating intimate relationships is the crux of life’s purpose. The bonds of love and intimacy formed with others bear witness to the value of human interconnectedness. The memory of loved ones cannot easily be forgotten and, as mentioned above, new roles can sometimes be assumed once the intimate nature of a relationship has changed. These are tricky waters which require emotional strength and stamina to navigate successfully. Observing a new partner’s decisions around her relationships with exes can provide valuable information regarding her emotional needs, boundaries, and strengths. And noticing one’s own tendencies in this area can highlight areas of mental and emotional health and areas in need of attention. If personal growth and deep healing are desired, discarding exes as emotional crutches and severing outdated intimacy bonds will strongly support the goal of moving forward in a healthy, happy way.

We are taught from the earliest of ages that good communication is imperative. In both subtle, and direct ways, we are taught to be competitive when we communicate. Simultaneously, we are told to be cooperative.  What an impossible task–to be cooperative and competitive at the same time.

The conundrum we are all faced with has its roots in two complex social environments: those having hierarchy structures, and those which do not. Hierarchical institutions include schools, our family of origin, the family we create, workplaces, churches and government as the most common. Within those institutions we learn the power of the politics and practice of competitive communication. (more…)

Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.

How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.

Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner’s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.

In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple® coaching session with me and Bob:
Alisa: “You don’t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.”
Trey: “What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.”
Alisa: “You just don’t get it. It’s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?”
Trey: “You only work part-time; why haven’t you planned a date?”

The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word “you” is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word “I” is used only once.

In conflict couples’ use of “you” reflects each partner’s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something “wrong;” which naturally implies that the other person is “right.” Thus the “right – wrong” tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.

Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.

Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or “not so healthy” lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.  Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict “sweeping it under the rug?”

With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.  If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.  Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.

Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, “avoiding conflict” or a healthy way to “fight.”  When you don’t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship “in trouble” as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.  Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other’s self-esteem.

So how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:
1)   Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
2)   Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
3)   Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
4)   Use “I” statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
5)   Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
6)   Be “curious” about your partner’s point of view.
7)   Talk until you can “make your partner’s case” as well as your own.
8)   Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other’s position.
9)   Then and only then, can you problem solve.

Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity – the relationship itself.

As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.  A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
-Leo Tolstoy

Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-Ruth Bell Graham

In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.  You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.  All seems secure in the relationship that you’re living – it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.

Many people in relationships feel this way, exasperated because they are doing everything they know how to do to make their partner feel loved. Couples come into my office usually at the end of their rope because they have tried, and tried, and tried to make the marriage work and nothing they have tried seems to be making it better. This is so frustrating for couples. It drains the life out of many marriages and relationships. It pushes people so hard sometimes they end up convincing themselves they just can’t make this marriage work anymore and they end up leaving. This can be frustrating and maddening for people who want to love each other but can’t find a way to do that.

Everyone starts off with the best intentions. Good people work their hardest to make a marriage or relationship work. Usually people have lots of successes in their lives.  They look at their histories and they say to themselves, “Heck, I know how to achieve things. I am a success at school and work. I am good at getting things done. I can accomplish things. I can make this work.”  The best intentions drive people to do things for the other person. That’s our nature. If we choose to be in a relationship, we have decided to do what we can to make it work. (more…)

As the New Year begins, we think about resolutions. Though couples may have resolved to have a better relationship, resolve their differences, have less conflict, it occurred to us that we don’t really “resolve” issues in relationships.

“Resolving” connotes the process of solving a problem or difficulty, finding an answer, making a decision, bringing a disagreement to an end. Though we certainly do solve problems, make decisions and conclude conflicts with our partners, we never fully finish. Most couples have chronic issues that they continue to dialogue about during the lifetime of their marriages. Actually, our relationships are in a continual process of “evolution,” growing healthier and stronger or becoming weaker and more fragile. As 2011 gets off to a start we want to share our thoughts with you about “Relationship Evolution.”

“Relationship Evolution” is the never-ending, continual process of consciously creating the head, heart, hormone connection through the ongoing actions and words exchanged between two people. (more…)