The GoodTherapy Blog

Editor’s note: Tammy Nelson, PhD, is the author of The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want. Her continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Couples in Recovery After Infidelity: Creating a New Monogamy, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on September 6. The event is good for 1.5 CE credits and is available at no cost to GoodTherapy.org members. For details, or to register, please click here.

“Lovesickness” means you have fallen hard. Or perhaps you love someone you can’t have. Or, worse, you have lost someone you desperately want back.

Being lovesick hurts and feels awesome at the same time. It is a romantic stage of love, a feeling so familiar because we see it in seemingly every movie, hear it in seemingly every song, and read it in seemingly every poem. Lovesickness is common in every culture in the world. In almost every story ever told, in every Disney movie, and in every vampire novel, there is an undercurrent of love or loss of love. Our longing for love and the “sickness” that comes from falling in and out of it are what make up our idea of romance.

Longing—the desire for another—and the terrible and obsessive feelings it brings are what we learn from an early age to expect when we fall in love. Wanting or longing is our cultural imperative. I want what I cannot have, either because you are from the wrong side of the tracks, the wrong family, I am alive and you are dead, or some variation on the theme. In the end, we find each other somehow. Love always prevails, and we are happy, even for a moment. When love is lost, we cry and the world cries with us. The loss of love is a universal pain, as is the joy of finding it.

New love can feel like addiction. If you put someone in an MRI machine when they are newly infatuated and look at his or her brain scan, the same portions of the brain light up as those that are triggered when high on cocaine. When in romantic love, or the limerence phase, the brain is overloaded with dopamine and norepinephrine production, which creates symptoms similar to obsessive compulsion. They include sleeplessness, restlessness, and obsession. Impulsive behaviors such as driving by the lover’s house, or sleeping with the phone waiting for a call, seem illogical. Longing to be with that person all the time, regardless of other responsibilities, precludes all logical thoughts. People with lovesickness often experience intense sexual feelings for that person and can feel desperate to see the person and to touch him/her constantly.

We may feel intense grief, frustration, and sadness when we can’t be with the person. When we get scared and worry we are losing our love interest, we might actually become physically ill. Depression can increase, and cravings for things such as ice cream or chocolate are common due to the serotonin levels changing in the brain. When our brain chemicals are disrupted, if our love object breaks up with us or if we are separated during this falling-in-love phase, we might become more obsessive and do things we never dreamed of, including parking in their neighborhood or outside their homes. At this point, those who are more unstable might even turn dangerous, breaking into homes, stealing belongings, or checking computers and phones. Jealousy, intense suspicion, and even violence can increase in people who have these tendencies.

If the relationship continues in a normal, happy way and real love kicks in, the relationship moves into the attachment phase. Dopamine levels in the brain begin to level off. Both people start to relax as levels of oxytocin and vasopressin increase. These chemicals make us want to bond, to cuddle, and to stay home. We stop wanting to see friends or even leave the house. Sex wins out over socializing, and if we’re not careful, we might get married and begin procreating.

Being lovesick can cause great surges of creativity. Some of the greatest songs in history are written at times like these. Creative urges are strong at times of real lovesickness; poets, writers, and artists have known this for ages. Sublimation means turning intense emotions into something else. If you are lovesick, now is the time to write, sculpt, sing, or even start a new workout routine. This will help you take all of the intense energy in your heart (and brain) and channel it into something that will benefit you. Start a journal and write about your feelings. Two years from now, you might read it and think, “Ugh … what was I thinking?” Or you may find you have a wonderful new romantic novel or beautiful new love song.

GoodTherapy | Off to College: Parental Separation Anxiety Come September, many young people will be leaving home to go away to college. Students and parents are excited about this new journey. But in addition to the excitement, there is often anxiety about moving out of the comfort zone of home and family. While the focus is often on the separation anxiety the student experiences at this milestone, too often we neglect the parents’ separation anxiety.

From watchfulness to surveillance, parents retain a varying degree of control over their high-school-aged children. But when a child goes off to college, the ability to know what is going on in that child’s life depends on the child’s willingness to communicate and share information. Since it is developmentally appropriate for college-aged children to be separating and individuating from their parents, we can expect that many children will share less than parents might be hoping to learn. Not knowing, in areas where there was previous information, makes parents more anxious.

Parents express many different worries about how their children will manage when the parent is no longer so present in their lives. Anxieties may be about drugs and alcohol, or there are concerns about social and academic problems. Parents with children who may already be dealing with emotional issues, eating disorders, or learning disabilities can feel especially anxious.

It is to be expected that a parent would worry about how their child will manage on their own in college. This is appropriate and shouldn’t be confused with a parent’s separation anxiety. When a parent feels the need to contact the child repeatedly, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking and wondering how the child might be feeling or what the child is doing, the parent may be experiencing separation anxiety. When we think of the child’s separation anxiety we understand it to be about the feeling that “I won’t be alright without my attachment to my parent.” For the parent, it is much the same: “I won’t be alright without my attachment to my child.” Parents experience their anxiety as being about the worry “Is my child going to be okay?” But what they often fail to be aware of is that they may be even more anxious (consciously or unconsciously) about their own well-being. They wonder, “Am I going to be okay?”

Learning to Detach and Individualize

In my therapy practice, I have had the opportunity to work with many parents who have struggled with the separation and individuation of their children. One father, “Seth,” began therapy when his daughter, “Kristin,” was applying to college. He spent many of his sessions talking about Kristin and her college application process. He was very troubled about Kristin keeping him out of the decision making.

Sadly, with tears in his eyes, Seth told me, “She comes home and closes her door and goes on that computer and researches where she wants to go. Her mom and I ask her about her choices, we tell her we need to be part of the process; we remind her that we will be paying a good part of the tuition. She just gets irritated and says she wants to do this on her own and she’ll let us know what she decides.”

Recently, Seth came into my office for his therapy session looking very distressed. He immediately said, “I can’t believe that girl. All of her college acceptances have come in and she has decided to leave New York and go to school in Arizona. That’s much too far away. We’ll never see her! I told her she couldn’t go and she got so mad. She started screaming at us. She said she hated us, that we were terrible parents and never let her have what she wants! She was so mean!”

Seth started to cry softly and, almost in a whisper, said, “I’m so scared. I love her so much, I can’t stand this. It feels like we’ve lost her forever. She’ll never come home. If I don’t agree to pay, she said she would pay herself. She did get good financial aid from them and I don’t think I can play the money card. What am I going to do?”

I asked Seth, “What makes you think Kristin is lost to you forever?”

Seth answered, “We used to be so close when she was younger. She was daddy’s little girl. Her mom worked more than I did and I took her to soccer, to swimming; I helped her with her homework every day. She would tell me about everything — even the boys she had crushes on! Then in her sophomore year of High School, she got more secretive. She started going out with Jeremy and was becoming more social. I could understand that she needed some space from me. My wife and I used to talk about how grown up she was getting. We started to check what she was doing and who she was talking to on her cell phone and computer. There are a lot of scary possibilities out there. She never found out we were keeping tabs on her, but she started to become easily irritated and annoyed around us. She would get on my wife’s case about the food she was cooking and she gets annoyed with me when I ask her about almost anything.”

Seth began to sob, “I can’t eat, can’t sleep. What will I do without her? She is my only child. So much of how I think about myself has to do with my being a father. If I lose her, can I still be a father? What kind of a father could I be without my daughter?”

I reminded Seth that we had been talking about how it made him anxious to think of his daughter having a life so separate and different from his. A lawyer, Seth had followed his father into the law and joined his father’s practice after completing law school. After he married and Kristin was born, he moved into an apartment in the same building as his parents. He understood that his model of parent-child relationships was a reflection of his own experience.

Seth acknowledged what we had been discussing: “I know I grew up very close to my parents, especially my father. I would never talk to him the way Kristin talks to me. I always respected him and needed him for guidance and that gave me such confidence and comfort. It’s not like I thought Kristin had to become a lawyer, but I did hope she might. But she has no interest in it. She wants to major in art, which is fine, but I really don’t get what her art is about. She makes these things out of paper and wood. I try to act interested, but, really, where is that going to get her? How will she make anything of herself? How can I get her to pay attention to what I think? I’m her father.”

Separation Is Not Rejection

Seth’s struggle illustrates many of the issues parents have to contend with as they try to become less anxious about their children differentiating from them. Seeing one’s child as different, as having a separate self with separate desires and ideals, can give a parent the feeling of being rejected. When parents have this experience it is essential to be clear that difference does not signify a child’s rejection. What keeps parent and child attached is not sameness. Sameness can often give parent and child the feeling of closeness, but a very different kind of attachment occurs when there are two separate, different people who are connected by the feelings they have for each other.

For the parent who has felt this sameness with their child but now recognizes that their child is differentiating, there can be painful and frightening anxiety as they try to figure out how to understand and relate to this separate differentiated person. For parents who have not differentiated from their own parents, this can be especially difficult.

Seth is beginning to consider that he can come to know and appreciate his daughter with all her differences. As he begins to relax with the belief that he can know and love this separate person, he is becoming aware how scared he has been that maybe she wouldn’t continue to love him. Seth is only one example of a parent struggling with separation anxiety. One reason I believe Seth is less anxious now than when we began our work is that he has been able to identify that he is feeling separation anxiety.

Many parents who are worried when their children go off to college, are not aware that they are experiencing an emotion that is not simply based on the practical worries of safety or performance or the well being of their children. They have not recognized that they have been afraid that their children would move away from them emotionally, become different in a way to make their attachment feel less close and loving. Realizing this, thinking about separation and individuation as a developmental necessity, not a personal affront or wrenching loss, can help many parents resolve much of their anxious feelings.

Conflict between man and woman Insecurity is one of the trickiest relationship issues because it tends to create a self-perpetuating cycle. Insecure people frequently cling to their partners, which causes their partners to pull away, worsening the insecurity.

Feelings of insecurity often begin with family-of-origin issues or unhealthy early relationships. In many people, these experiences may interfere with their ability to choose good partners; some insecure people may choose partners who make the insecurity worse. There’s no quick fix for anxiety, and some people need therapy to move past anxiety in relationships, but there are several steps you can take to reduce it:

Determine the Cause

Not all insecurity is unwarranted. Objectively examine the behavior of your partner. Is he or she honest? Does he or she respond to your basic needs? Does he or she seem concerned about your feelings?
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If you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, your insecurity might be the other person’s problem, not yours. But this doesn’t mean you can force your partner to fix it. If your partner refuses to meet reasonable emotional needs, you can either end the relationship or find other ways to meet your needs, perhaps by taking up a hobby, expanding your circle of friends, or finding fulfillment in your work.

Negotiate Relationship Rules

Every relationship serves as a sort of mini-government that establishes its own rules and standards of behavior. Something that’s OK in your relationship might not be OK in another person’s relationship.
Talk to your partner about how you want your relationship to function and how each of you can get your needs met. You might, for example, agree that you need a lot of verbal reassurance, while your partner benefits more from favors and nice gestures.

When insecurity is a chronic problem, you should talk openly and honestly about it so that your partner knows you might need extra reassurance. If you have a disagreement about what constitutes a fundamental need, you might need to get out of the relationship or find another way to meet your needs.

Avoid Mind Reading

No two people think exactly alike, and what might mean absolute rejection to you could just be an oversight or misstatement by your partner.
Mind reading can contribute to insecurity when you make assumptions about your partner’s thoughts rather than asking him or her about them. If you’re feeling unsure of something, express this to your partner and ask for clarification.

Quit the Comparison Game

Almost any relationship, no matter how troubled, can look perfect from the outside looking in. Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s relationships, and avoid comparing your current partner to past partners.
It’s easy to find your partner’s weaknesses and assume that he or she doesn’t love you, and when you compare relationships, you’re much less likely to compare your partner’s positive traits to other people’s negative traits. Accept your partner for who he or she is and work on your relationship where it is rather than aspiring to emulate a relationship that might not even be real.

Look for the Positive

Confirmation bias is a psychological phenomenon that causes people to look for evidence of what they already believe to be true. If you’re convinced that your partner doesn’t love you, you might see his or her failure to say he/she loves you on the phone as irrefutable evidence that love has died.
But when you look for confirmation of the positive aspects of your relationship, you’re also more likely to find these. Focus on your partner’s positive traits, and interpret ambiguous statements and actions as positively as possible. In minor cases of insecurity, this can be all it takes to move past anxiety.

References:

20 ways to beat relationship insecurity. (n.d.). YourTango. Retrieved from http://www.yourtango.com/200948412/how-beat-relationship-insecurity
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Attachment bonds are formed at birth and continue to develop throughout an individual’s life. When children are young, they develop attachments to their caregivers, parents, and siblings. As they get older, they begin to form bonds with peers and friends. When a child enters adolescence and young adulthood, romantic partners enter the picture and new relationships are formed. Attachment styles vary from very secure to insecure, and from organized to disorganized. People can have attachment styles that are secure and organized, insecure and disorganized, or any variation of styles. For example, if a child is abused by a parent who provides financial and material support, they may have an insecure and organized attachment to that parent. Attachment bonds are believed to continue to influence an individual’s well-being throughout life. But it is unclear whether people have one general attachment style or form unique attachment styles for each relationship.

Angela Caron of the School of Psychology at the University of Ottawa in Canada wanted to find an answer to this question. In a recent study, Caron interviewed 2,214 participants ranging in age from 17 to 25. She asked them to describe their attachments to friends, parents, and romantic partners, and she also assessed their mental well-being. She found that overall, the participants had attachment styles that varied depending on the context of the relationship. Specifically, the participants had attachment patterns with their parents that were very different than those they had with friends or love interests. The attachment to parents was classified as secure or insecure and organized or disorganized, while romantic relationships fell into approach/avoidance categories. With friends and romantic partners, anxiety was an issue that affected attachment. Caron believes friendships and romantic relationships have similar characteristics in young adulthood and adolescence, thus the overlap in anxiety with respect to these attachment styles.

The results also revealed that attachment styles from parents had the most influence on adjustment and happiness despite the fact there are fewer child-parent interactions as children reach adulthood. “These results suggest that secure relationships with parents maintain crucial importance by contributing positively to psychological well-being,” Caron said. She hopes this study demonstrates how important and diverse young adult attachments are, and how they play a major role in well-being throughout the transition to adulthood and beyond.

Reference:
Caron, Angela, Marie-France Lafontaine, Jean-Francois Bureau, Christine Levesque, and Susan M. Johnson. Comparisons of close relationships: An evaluation of relationship quality and patterns of attachment to parents, friends, and romantic partners in young adults. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science 44.4 (2012): 245-56.

Professional women shaking hands You entered therapy feeling broken, lonely, anxious, dissatisfied with your relationships and your career. Now you feel whole and healthy; your relationships have improved, and you’ve made some professional changes that have led to a more fulfilling career. You feel good about yourself. Life isn’t perfect, but you have come to accept these imperfections, and you feel equipped to handle life’s challenges when they come your way. Congratulations! The time, effort, and willingness to openly and honestly explore the most complex and painful areas of yourself and your life have paid off. Therapy worked. Now what? You have a standing weekly appointment with your therapist, and you have probably developed a strong therapeutic alliance with him or her. But lately you have noticed that you don’t feel a need to go to therapy and you struggle to find ways to fill the hour. These are some strong indicators that you are ready to leave therapy.

For most people, therapy is not forever. Very few people have reason to be in therapy for life. In fact, many of the people who make therapy a way of life are therapists. They have a personal and professional responsibility to maintain high levels of self-awareness. They must take precautions to ensure that their issues are not getting in the way of helping their clients, and that they are not letting their clients’ issues prevent them from living their own lives. Weekly therapy sessions can create the time, space, and support for therapists to do just that.

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Certainly, there are some people who are not therapists who also come to view therapy as a way of life. These people are often deeply dedicated to self-growth, and therapy may provide the support they need as they pursue constantly evolving personal goals. However, the vast majority of people who come to therapy do so with the intent of getting help with something specific. Whether it is something as broad as wanting to feel better or something as narrow as making a decision about a career move, people usually bring a specific goal to therapy. For some, these goals can be achieved in a few short months, while for others, it can take years. But ultimately there is a resolution and they feel ready to end therapy. The question then is how to do it.

One of the things people find most useful about therapy is that there is nothing you can’t talk about in a session—including your relationship with your therapist. In fact, a growing body of research indicates that much of the positive change produced by therapy comes as a result of the therapeutic relationship. For example, if your relationships improved while you were in therapy, it is likely, in part, because you learned new ways of being in relationships by actively participating in your therapeutic relationship. So take the well-honed skill set that you developed in therapy and open a discussion with your therapist about ending the therapeutic relationship.

This will likely come as no surprise to your therapist. He or she knows what you came in to work on and knows that you have achieved your goal. Plus, this is a natural part of the process—all therapists in training learn about how to help clients work through this final stage, called termination. This is a prime opportunity to review the goals that brought you to therapy and to reflect on the growth that allowed you to accomplish them. This part of therapy is kind of like a graduation ceremony—it is an opportunity to step back, look at how far you have come, and revel in your success. And, as with graduations, it is an opportunity to ponder and plan for what comes next. Part of termination involves reinforcing the coping skills that evolve during therapy and reminding clients to continue to draw upon them in the future. Another important part of this process is to identify indicators that may signal the need to return to therapy in the future.

Finally, working through the process of termination with your therapist will allow you the opportunity to process the ending of a powerful and unique relationship. While this is a deeply genuine relationship, it is also one that exists within strictly prescribed boundaries—within the therapist’s office during appointment times. Of course, there may have been phone calls and additional meetings scheduled during times of crisis, but there isn’t a healthy way to continue the relationship you have formed with your therapist outside of therapy. Feelings of grief, loss, and anxiety about ending the therapeutic relationship often come up, and termination is designed to address these feelings. Like all aspects of therapy, this can be a difficult process, but seeing it through can be invaluable in helping you continue to develop and implement the kind of sophisticated relational skills that enable you to have deeper, more meaningful, and authentic relationships.

Integrating live animals into the therapeutic process has been gaining recognition as a viable and effective approach in a clinical setting. Equine-assisted therapy is a widely popular form of therapy that has shown remarkable results with clients who do not respond well to other types of treatment. Similarly, children who are resistant to traditional therapies have demonstrated improvement in animal-assisted therapies. For individuals who experience disassociation, animals represent an unconditional source of love and acceptance. For people who may have experienced early life trauma, especially trauma or abuse that undermined attachment relationships, animals can replace missing secure attachment bonds.

Although animals as therapy adjuncts, even pets, can help reduce anxiety, depression, loneliness, and isolation, owning or working with an animal may not be a viable option for everyone in need. Therefore, stuffed animals, which represent a source of comfort in times of stress for young people, may serve as a suitable replacement. Rose M. Barlow of the Department of Psychology at Boise State University in Idaho wanted to see if stuffed animals would serve clients equally as well as live animals. In a recent study, Barlow surveyed a sample of high and low dissociative female college students and those with dissociative identity disorder (DID) about attachment to live and stuffed animals. She found that the DID women had significantly stronger attachments to both live and stuffed animals than any of the other women. She also found that those with high dissociation and those with DID reported higher levels of attachment to stuffed animals than live animals when compared to the low dissociative group.

The findings of this study have several important clinical implications. Even though comorbid issues such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar were not considered in this research, the evidence suggests that stuffed animals may be particularly helpful to those with high levels of dissociation. Because symptoms of dissociation, even disorganized attachment, can begin in childhood and result from emotionally unavailable parents, divorce, or abuse, integrating stuffed animals into therapy for young children can provide a sense of security and help to rebuild impaired attachment bonds. “Animals, live or stuffed, can aid therapy for both children and adults by providing a way to experience and express emotions, a feeling of unconditional support, and grounding,” Barlow said.

Reference:
Barlow, Rose M., Lisa DeMarni Cromer, Hannah Prairie Caron, and Jennifer J. Freyd. Comparison of normative and diagnosed dissociation on attachment to companion animals and stuffed animals. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice & Policy 4.5 (2012): 501-06. Print.

What was once considered a rarity—step-siblings, step-parents, and step-in-laws—has become more common than not. When couples marry, there is a very good chance that one of them brings an extended family that branches by halves and steps. And if that couple winds up divorcing, the tree splinters even further. Because there is no biological bond that obligates a step-family member to stay in contact with other steps, the rules of engagement can be confusing and tense. In a recent article, marriage experts explain how to navigate the rocky road of step-relationships after divorce.

Take, for example, the case of an ex-wife who spent decades raising her step-children. Should she continue the relationship with these nonbiological children, even though she has no legal claim to them? Mary T. Kelly, a marriage therapist from Colorado, notes that often step-children can be a contributing factor to divorce. Many blended-family parents disagree over how to raise his, hers, and their children. Tension that exists between step-children and step-parents seems like normal childhood rebellion, but in many cases may actually run deeper.

Paul Hokemeyer, a New York therapist, says couples and children need to determine if they want those relationships to continue after divorce. Many children may not be permitted to make contact with their ex-step-parents while they are minors, but can make the choice whether to have a relationship with that significant person when they reach adulthood. Even step-grandparents get caught in the mix when step-families divorce. Grandparents who become attached to step-grandchildren, only to have them taken away, may not be willing to invest as much into future step-family members.

One Massachusetts psychologist, Patricia Papemow, recommends that clients try to initiate contact through letters rather than personal visits or phone calls. It is important for step-children to be allowed to have time to process the shift in the relationship on their own terms. Letting them know a step-parent is there through cards and letters is a noninvasive and subtle way to continue contact and keep the door open for future communication. Regardless of how an individual chooses to stay in contact with their step-children, Hokemeyer insists that they review their motives so that all parties will be receptive. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate,” Hokemeyer says. Following these tips could help step-exes maintain important family ties in a world of ever-changing family dynamics.

Reference:
Gootman, Elissa. When branches tangle in a stepfamily tree. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 3 Oct. 2012. Web. 8 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Man looking out hotel window

The pain of divorce is often unbearable. The experience can be so awful that you wonder whether it would have been easier to stay married or even to be dealing with some other horrific life event like death. The depth of pain is often surprising, particularly when you know you don’t want to be married anymore. What many people forget is that divorce is just a fancy word masking what is truly a broken attachment between two people. Divorce is more than separating assets and belongings. It’s the severing of a very strong bond founded on deep feelings of dependency and need. Believe it or not, you developed an attachment to your partner over the course of dating and marriage that connected you on an emotional and physiological level beyond what you realized.

When two people get married they are vowing to be committed and to love one another, but they are also pledging to become “attached.” This attachment is unspoken and unknown to both, but it is the most powerful connection anyone can have to another person in a love relationship. According to author Helen Fischer in her book Why We Love, our “cuddle chemicals,” namely oxytocin and vasopressin, contribute to the sense of closeness and attachment couples feel toward each other in a love relationship. These bonding hormones promote a sense of fusion between lovers that deepens attachment and a sense of oneness. This biological phenomenon explains the depth of devastation felt when the attachment is broken and the physiological symptoms that become activated when attachments are severed. The response is often primal, leading to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might never surface in any other context of life.

The end of a marriage is one of the most emotionally painful human experiences. Thinking about the experience of divorce within the context of attachment generates a greater sense of empathy for what you might be feeling. It explains the levels of rage, vindictiveness, grief, and despair that so often accompany this common life transition. We too often think of divorce as a noun or a verb, but it is actually a relational trauma that has a physiological and emotional effect. You may be creating more suffering for yourself by resisting what you are feeling or telling yourself that you are overreacting.

Recognize that the end of your marriage represents much more for you than you may realize. If you were a small child and the person you depended on most was suddenly unavailable to you, there is no doubt you would have a strong reaction. The end of your marriage is no different. Give yourself the time and space to heal and repair. You are not damaged, just temporarily devastated, and the recovery will come with time. Divorce is not just a matter of the heart but an experience that impacts the whole person on a multitude of levels.

Destructive parentification is a behavior in which a parent transfers the emotional or physical responsibility of parenting to their child. Some parents turn to their children for emotional support and expect their children to fill emotional voids. Other parents who engage in destructive parentification may expect their children to fulfill physical obligations such as caretaking. These behaviors diminish the appropriate boundaries between a parent and child that are necessary for a child to develop his or her own identity. Additionally, boundaries that are blurred can expose children to events and circumstances that they are emotionally and physically unprepared to handle. This type of parentification can have significantly negative outcomes for children. Research has shown that children who are the victims of parentification, which is considered a form of abuse, have higher rates of externalizing and internalizing problems in childhood and adolescence than those who do not experience parentification.

When victims of parentification become parents themselves, the risk of the cycle continuing is extremely high. However, few studies have examined how maternal behavior in adult victims of childhood parentification affects future generations. To explore the relationship between maternal behavior and childhood psychological development, Amy K. Nuttal of the Department of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana assessed 374 pairs of mother-child participants through the first 3 years of the children’s lives. The mothers were evaluated for childhood parentification in their own families of origin and and for mixed histories of emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse.

Nuttal found that the women with destructive parentification were less responsive to their children at 18 months than those with no history of parentification. The unresponsiveness was predictive of externalizing behaviors in the children at 36 months. When Nuttal examined the effect of the father’s presence, she discovered that the participants who maintained a relationship with the father of the child had significantly lower levels of prior parentification than those who had no relationship with the fathers. Nuttal also found that previous parentification directly predicted low levels of maternal warmth in the participants, which indirectly predicted negative developmental outcomes for the children. She added, “This finding suggests that facilitating the development of maternal contingent responsiveness among mothers with a history of destructive parentification may promote more adaptive child development in the next generation.”

Reference:
Nuttall, A. K., Valentino, K., Borkowski, J. G. (2012). Maternal history of parentification, maternal warm responsiveness, and children’s externalizing behavior. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029470

As people age, they face challenges that they may never have experienced before. Loss of friends due to death, loss of independence as a result of diminished income, and loss of physical health can all create significant stress in a person’s life. The way that people choose to cope with that stress is directly related to the skills they learned throughout their lives. Attachment styles developed in early childhood can dictate the response people have to a variety of stressors, including ones encountered in later years. Additionally, an individual’s ethnic origin influences how he or she will respond to stress at various stages. To better understand how attachment style affects coping and overall well-being in older adults and what role ethnicity plays, Eva-Maria Merz of the Netherlands Interdisciplinary Demographic Institute at The Hague in the Netherlands recently conducted a study of 1,116 older adults from varying cultural backgrounds.

The participants, which included European Americans, African Americans, Eastern European immigrants, and Caribbean immigrants, were examined to determine how attachment style affected their well-being. Specifically, Merz looked at secure or dismissive attachment styles in comparison to avoidant and fearful attachment styles. “As expected, secure attachment and dismissive attachment were associated with greater well-being, whereas ambivalent/fearful attachment was related to reduced well-being in this older cohort,” said Merz. The link between secure attachment and positive well-being was most evident among the Caribbean and African American participants and weakest among the other two groups. When she looked at avoidant/fearful attachment styles, Merz discovered that it negatively impacted well-being in all the ethnic groups with the exception of the Caribbeans.

The results of this study support previous research highlighting the importance of healthy attachment styles on well-being. This new evidence extends the existing data by demonstrating that attachment styles are especially important in later life when unique challenges arise. Further, attachment styles are influenced by ethnicity. Taken together, this information provides new insight into the underlying factors that contribute to the general physical and mental health of older adults and should be considered when implementing interventions to help older adults cope with life’s stressors.

Reference:
Merz, E.-M., Consedine, N. S. (2012). Ethnic group moderates the association between attachment and well-being in later life. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029595

Baby being fed You are what you eat, as the popular saying goes. And now a new study suggests that your diet as an infant may in fact determine how smart you will be when you grow older. The study, published in the European Journal of Epidemiology, found that infants who ate healthy foods had higher IQ scores by age 8 than those who ate less healthy foods. The study focused on diet at 6, 15, and 24 months of age. The researchers then followed up with subjects at age 8 years. A little over 7,000 children were included in the study.

The unhealthiest foods that led to an IQ of 1-2 points lower at all ages included “biscuits, chocolate, sweets, soda, [and] crisps,” according to the study abstract. Other types of food varied at different ages in how they impacted IQ scores. For example, at 6 months of age, a “breastfeeding pattern,” along with foods like “herbs, legumes, cheese, raw fruit and vegetables” at 15 and 24 months were linked to IQs about 1-2 points higher.

Foods such as “meat, cooked vegetables, [and] desserts” were found at 6 months to have a positive association with higher IQs, but this type of food style didn’t seem to have any associations with IQ at 15 and 24 months. Other types of foods seemed at first to negatively impact IQ but later appeared to increase IQ. For example, at 6 and 15 months of age, “ready-prepared baby foods” were found to negatively impact IQ to some extent, but at 24 months, “ready-to-eat foods” had a positive association with IQ.

“This study suggests that dietary patterns from 6 to 24 months may have a small but persistent effect on IQ at 8 years,” according to the study abstract.

Although lead researcher Lisa Smithers at the University of Adelaide stated in a media release that the IQ differences were not major, the study still suggests a need to put more emphasis on good nutrition at a young age.

This study is in no way isolated. Various other studies support a link between breastfeeding and IQ, as well as overall nutrition and IQ.

One 2011 study featured in a Scientific American article found that infants who were breastfed for more than 6 months had an average higher IQ of 3.8 points over infants who were bottlefed. However, the study suggests the IQ difference is not mainly due to nutrients in the milk but the closer biological interaction among infants and mothers during breastfeeding. This finding is further demonstrated by another study mentioned later in the article, where brain wave activity was recorded for bottlefed babies who fed on breast milk versus formula compared with breastfed babies. Out of the three groups, breastfed babies had different brain wave activity than both bottlefed groups, even though one bottlefed group still used breast milk.

Still more studies suggest that breastfeeding can enhance IQ. Research completed by Oxford University and Essex University “found that as little as four weeks of breastfeeding for a newborn baby has a significant effect on brain development, which persists until the child is at least 14 years old,” according to a ScienceDaily article. Researchers took into account other differences when comparing breastfed to non-breastfed children, such as mother’s age, marital status, job status, home situation, and education.

Various studies support a link between overall nutrition and IQ in children as well. For example, one study from 2011 suggests that young children who eat foods that are processed and are high in fats and sugars could have a lower IQ, whereas children who eat foods high in nutrients and vitamins tend to have a higher IQ, according to a PhysOrg article. Results seemed to show that diet was most important up until age 3 especially and that diet changes after age 3 didn’t impact IQ as much.

More research mentioned in a Mayo Clinic article links fish and omega-3 fatty acids to higher IQ in children as well. The research suggests that pregnant women with a higher intake of fish tend to have children with higher IQs, at least up until age 3. However, pregnant women also have to be aware of the mercury content in fish, because too much mercury could be harmful.

Nutrition and mental health experts have conflicting views when it comes to the newest study suggesting a link between consuming certain foods and increased IQ in infants.

Holly Stokes, a life coach and “the brain trainer,” said in an email that it’s important to take into account other factors that could have contributed to the higher IQs in the study as well. “It’s tempting to say that higher nutrition must then cause higher IQ,” Stokes said. “However, there could be other factors involved. For example, the IQ of the parents. It’s quite likely that the parents who are feeding their children better are better informed, maybe have researched on their own, and they themselves have a higher IQ than the parents who are not feeding their children as well. There is also some evidence to suggest that IQ has to do with socio-economic status as well.”

Scott Carroll, a psychiatrist with dual board certifications in adult and child and adolescent psychiatry and an assistant professor at the University of New Mexico School of Medicine, said in an email that this study brings up some important points about nutrition. “While 2 IQ points is actually within the usual standard error of most IQ tests, just the fact that you could demonstrate a statistically significant finding from rather minor dietary changes is a big deal,” Carroll said. “We certainly know that malnutrition has severe negative effects on IQ. The hard part about doing a study like this is that smarter parents often make healthier choices in food, which you have to statistically control for in this type of study.

“Statistically controlling for stuff like that often lowers the ‘effective result’ of the study,” he added. “Basically, if you took two high IQ families (IQ is highly genetic) with babies and fed them the two different diets with all other things being equal, you’d get a 2 IQ point difference on average. While that may not seem like much, as a soon to be parent (my wife is 4 months pregnant), we will be even more careful about feeding her the healthiest food possible.”

He said that since research already shows a link between a nutritious diet and good health, as well as a decrease in obesity, an increased IQ is just another benefit and does support an emphasis on certain food choices for infants. He has some suggestions about diet and lifestyle choices for parents and infants to ensure that their children have a healthy and growing IQ.

“Breastfeeding is clearly ideal for many reasons, but making sure mom is properly fed is important as well,” Carroll said. “Longer breastfeeding, up to 18 or more months even if the child does eat some solid foods, also helps. Key things for mom’s died include B vitamins, fish oil (must be mercury free since mercury is highly toxic), [and a] rich diet in terms of a variety of high quality fruits and vegetables. Limit the sugar content of their food. Personally, I strongly believe in eating organic even though the research on it is limited.”

“Other keys include having a secure attachment between the baby and primary caregiver, because insecure or disorganized attachment clearly affects the brain wiring in bad ways,” he added. “Having a stimulant-rich environment (bright colors, toys, etc.) and lots of time with parents with soothing verbal communication have also been scientifically shown to help.”

Lisa Hugh, a registered dietitian and mother of two boys under 3 years old (she breastfed both), said in an email that the IQ result alone isn’t enough to promote certain eating habits, but healthy eating has many other benefits as well.

“I don’t think a few IQ points alone is enough evidence to support one way of feeding,” Hugh said. “However, many studies (various sources and designs) indicate that healthy eating offers many benefits: brain size, vision development, acceptance of more tastes/textures, healthy body weight, better performance in school. All of these advantages together are reason to promote healthy eating.”

She has some diet suggestions for infants in order to promote higher IQs: “[Breastfeed] for as long as possible, minimize processed foods, give foods from all food groups (except in cases of allergy, illness, food sensitivities, food intolerances, cultural preferences, etc), give kids a variety of tastes/colors/textures/cups/plates/etc. to keep meals/food interesting and to expose them to different foods,” Hugh said. “Maintain a regular daily schedule as much as possible.”

“Each child/family/parent is unique,” she added. “There is no one absolute best way of feeding a child. Parents have to do what is best given their circumstances/needs.”

Your social life, the quality of it, was wired into your gray matter by the age of 3, according to current thinking on child development. After a minute of contemplating that statement, the immense impact of early childhood caregivers becomes clear. This subject comes to mind after reading a recent news story about Artyom Saleviev.

Artyom was first in the news in 2010. He is the Russian boy who was adopted by a U.S. couple, the Hansens, 3 years ago. After being part of the Hansen family for 5 months, Artyom was put on a plane bound for Russia by his adoptive mother. Artyom carried a letter which stated the Hansen’s no longer wanted him because of his disruptive behavior related to psychological problems. The recent news article states that Artyom is now living in a foster home (in Russia) and his behavior there is not disruptive.

In the United States, the number of children in the foster care system is close to 500,000. One-quarter of them are infants when they enter the system; 15% are age 3 or younger, some only infants. The most common reasons for removing them from a parent or relative’s home are an absence of supervision (36%) and a failure to provide (31%). What affect does this have on a baby or toddler? Are they so young they will not remember neglect or abuse by early caregivers? If only that were true.

Caregiver Influence

To understand the effect early caregivers have on infants and toddlers, we can look at the implications of attachment theory. This theory, which has been substantiated by research, states that interactions with our initial caretakers determine our future capacity to build emotional bonds with others.

By the age of 3 years, children are either secure in their attachments to their caregivers or insecure. Children who are secure have the benefit of responsive caregivers that consistently meet their needs for food, safety, and affection. In adulthood, they can form lasting emotional connections with others.

There are three types of insecure attachment: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

When caregivers discourage expressions of a child’s distress or affection, an avoidant style of attachment develops. The child learns to discourage his or her own feelings, which damps down the child’s capacity to feel loved by others. Avoidant children typically withdraw from social interaction and grow into adults who are extremely uncomfortable with feelings and intimacy.

Ambivalent attachment occurs when early caregivers give comfort inconsistently. They sometimes respond to the child’s needs and sometimes do not. With this kind of care, children become unsure whether their needs will be met. As adults, they are slow to trust and at risk for mood and eating disorders.

When a child’s needs are not responded to, or the child is abused, a disorganized pattern of attachment can lead to delayed development, social withdrawal, and aggressive or disruptive behavior. Adults with disorganized attachment are susceptible to personality disorders and chronic mental health problems. Their relationships are often chaotic or short-lived.

Our attachment style sticks with us for life, although alternative behaviors and ways of thinking can be learned to improve relationships.

Not All Memory Is Conscious

When Artyom Saleviev arrived in the United States, was he secure, avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized in relation to others? The Hansens painted a picture of a very disorganized child, although his current foster mother in Russia does not. Regardless, his experience with the Hansens, and the ill-conceived way he was sent back to Russia, are not stand-alone events. They rest on the foundation of interactions he had, or did not have, very early in life.

Even if a school-age child like Artyom is adopted or finds his way to a nurturing foster caregiver, a pattern of connection with others is already established. It begins before the child enters foster care, as a result of the child’s experience with his first caregivers, and the pattern continues after he leaves the system.

Around one-third of those 18 to 24 who age out of foster care are homeless within 18 months (in the U.S.). Up to one-half are unemployed within 4 years of leaving, and approximately 30% to 40% have a mental disorder and likely no health insurance. More than three-fourths will become parents.

Perspective

To keep these sobering numbers in perspective, we can consider that people with less than stellar starts in life can, and do, lead productive lives and find a share of happiness. Humans are highly adaptable and resourceful. It is also a fact that people from “good” homes enter adulthood with mild to severe attachment issues, usually the avoidant or ambivalent type.

Difficulty trusting and connecting with others is not just a single family issue. It is part of the human condition and drives the drama we call history.

The foster care system is imperfect, but it is a nested problem. Looked at as a whole, the problem begins with the child’s experience of insufficient early caregiving and is later aggravated by the lack of support for these children during the transition to adulthood. The system is situated in a disorganized world where, unfortunately, such institutions are necessary. The best we can do is to strive to keep making improvements based on what we continue to learn about the special needs of these children.

References:

Child Welfare Information Gateway. Available from: http://www.childwelfare.gov
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families. Abuse, Neglect, Adoption & Foster Care Research: National Survey of Child and Adolescent Well-Being (NSCAW), 1997-2010. Available from: https://acf.gov/opre/project/national-survey-child-and-adolescent-well-being-nscaw-1997-2014-and-2015-2024
Radia, K. Adopted Russian boy rejected by U.S. mother adjusts in foster care. Available from: http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/adopted-russian-boy-rejected-u-mother-adjusts-foster-110037054–abc-news-topstories.html