Discussions about coming out typically deal with telling the parents. That makes sense, especially for young people still living at home. However, siblings play a role in the process as well: they can help ease the way or contribute to the conflict. They may have issues of their own stemming from a sibling’s coming out. No matter the situation, these issues should be acknowledged.

There are many factors that may determine how siblings react to your coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender: their age, their relationship with you, maturity level, parental influence, religious views, and so on. In general, if you were close before, you will probably remain close. Your sibling may even have guessed already, or maybe you told him or her first. The sibling may take your side if your parents give you a hard time. Even if the sibling is much younger than you, his or her support may be very meaningful.

On the other hand, if the relationship was not good to begin with, siblings can make the experience all that much harder. Old jealousies or resentments may have new fuel. There is a new vulnerability that the sibling can choose to take advantage of. In cases where parents are accepting of who you are, such a sibling may be even more enraged and do everything he or she can to make your life miserable.

[fat_widget_right]

When you come out, your life changes—hopefully for the better, but in some challenging ways, too. The life of a sibling can also change as a result of having a LGBT brother or sister. Sometimes siblings are pressured to take sides. In some families, they may be forced to play peacekeeper. They bear witness to anger, disappointment, fears, and criticisms that may fly back and forth. If they are of school age, they may be the butt of jokes, bullying, or even hatred. Parents and the LGBT child may be so wrapped up in their own problems that the sibling issues aren’t addressed.

When you come out, your life changes—hopefully for the better, but in some challenging ways, too. The life of a sibling can also change as a result of having a LGBT brother or sister.

Many of these issues may occur even when you and your siblings are adults when you come out. The relationship issues you had as kids may never have been resolved. Old rivalries may be stirred up, and the chance to be the “good” child may be too strong to resist. In addition, adult siblings may have to deal with the feelings and reactions of a romantic partner and/or children. If the partner’s feelings differ from the sibling’s, it could cause conflict in the relationship. The adult sibling may feel protective of older parents, sympathy or empathy for his or her brother or sister, sadness over the rift between the parents and the newly out sibling, and so on. These feelings may be subconscious, making them even harder to work with.

Naturally, there are families in which both the parents and the siblings are loving and accepting of their LGBT family member. That is, of course, the best-case scenario, an ideal outcome of coming out. When this is not your situation, however, here are some things to remember:

• Acknowledge any support you get from siblings in coming out. Share your gratitude.
• Regardless of what your relationship is like, know that your siblings may be affected by your decision.
• Be aware of how your relationship may affect a sibling’s attitude. If the relationship is poor, you may think you don’t care what the sibling thinks. But he or she can abuse this new knowledge to “out” you to the rest of the family, friends, or school when you aren’t ready.
• Don’t use your sibling as the middle person between you and your parents. Let your sibling act (or not act) on his or her own.
• Give your sibling a chance to share his or her experiences. Try to be sympathetic and offer support, regardless of his or her level of support for you.
• Remember that if a sibling is young, he or she might have questions or be confused. Talk about it. Be as open as is age-appropriate. And, hard as it may be, try not to bad-mouth your parents. Your sibling needs them.

No matter what your relationship with your siblings is like, your decision to come out is likely to affect them—and, more than likely, your relationships with them. Being aware of this, and being prepared to handle it, can help your coming-out process go as smoothly as possible.

The foster care system has a disproportionate number of LGBT youth in its care—the result of so many being abandoned by their parents. This often happens at a time when children most need support and guidance, during their preteens and teens when they are figuring out who they will be as adults. It is the ultimate rejection, and the wounds can last a lifetime.

Regardless of whether the parent-child relationship was good or bad before the child came out, being rejected by those who are supposed to love and protect you unconditionally is devastating. Severe damage is done to self-esteem, trust, security, future relationships, and one’s view of the world.

What would cause parents to legally and morally divest themselves of their responsibilities and emotional ties to their children? The answers lie not in the children, but in society and the parents themselves.

[fat_widget_right]

Mothers are often blamed for any perceived flaws in their children. Many men feel it is a mark against their masculinity to produce a gay child. Other parents feel shame due to religious teachings. Still others are upset that their children don’t fit in with socially prescribed gender roles. They seem to forget that gender roles, clothing styles, and what is perceived as masculine or feminine have changed many times throughout history. It is a misguided sense of shame, a shame so extreme at times that it can be relieved only by disconnecting and distancing from the child.

As a society, we encourage shame in both parents and children by denying LGBT people basic civil rights. This makes a powerful statement that they are somehow “less than” and therefore their neglect is more acceptable. This system has been used against minorities throughout time. In most minority groups, however, parents and children share the minority status and therefore parents will protect and guide their children. In contrast, most LGBT kids have heterosexual, cisgendered parents, making the kids minorities within their own families.

When parents feel shamed by their gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender kids, they typically blame the child instead of looking at their own feelings. They resolve their discomfort by getting rid of what they perceive as the source—the child. Ironically, the parents end up placing the burden of their child’s care on the very society that created the situation. These now-homeless youth are vulnerable to abuse, drug addiction, and prostitution. They have committed no crime, but are treated worse than criminals. The emotional damage is just as painful.

Even those people who come out to their families as adults often face rejection. Many LGBT people create their own substitute families from close friends, and they may have spouses and their own children. They may be content and feel that they have moved beyond the parental rejection to a place where they are valued and loved. This is perfectly possible. Nevertheless, the love and caring of a mother or father is unique, and rejection from them always leaves a scar.

How do we, as a society, stop this abuse? As with all complex issues, there is no one solution. Change has to come through many channels. The LGBT community and its allies need to continue to work for full civil rights. Parents need more education to learn that there is nothing wrong with them or their children. Schools need to expand their education about the LGBT community and their anti-bullying practices. As a society, we have to see the abandonment of LGBT youth as reprehensible.

We need to believe that ALL children are worthy of love and nurturing, from their families and from their communities.

Research and lived experience challenge stereotypes about gay relationships and make room for individual choices.

You know the stereotypes—gay men aren't interested in long-term, committed relationships. Or they can't sustain them. It's all about sex, the quickies, the one-night stands. But current research tells a very different story. Recent survey data shows that 92% of LGBTQ adults in same-sex relationships report their relationship is going at least fairly well, including 63% who say it is going very well. Nearly 600,000 same-sex couples have married since marriage equality became legal nationwide, and the vast majority say they married for love (93%), companionship (74%), and legal protections (75%), with many reporting that marriage improved their sense of safety and security (83%), life satisfaction (75%), and relationship stability (67%). Another stereotype bites the dust! (Or should, anyway.) It seems that we've been looking at it the wrong way around.

How stereotypes shape expectations

Stereotypes are used to oppress. Research suggests that LGBTQ+ individuals face health disparities linked to societal stigma, discrimination, and denial of their civil and human rights. They are often a reaction to fear. Even the rare complimentary ones—"Those people are very smart!"—are offensive because, just like the negative ones, they make assumptions about large groups of individuals. Both positive and negative stereotypes create expectations and attitudes that affect people's behavior toward the group in question, with stigma involving negative stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding LGBTQ individuals. In the case of gay people, stereotypes about their relationships belittle their humanity and their morals (and thereby justify hate and deprivation of their basic rights). But in reality, it may be a "chicken or the egg" situation of sorts. That is, did the relationship styles create the stereotype or did the social condemnation cause the relationship style?

If one is not allowed to engage in gay relationships because of societal and legal prohibitions, what other recourse is there but to keep them hidden? And if they are hidden from public view, how can anyone know they exist? How easy it is then to proclaim that they do not exist! Historical evidence supports this pattern. During Prohibition and earlier eras, LGBTQ+ individuals often gathered in hidden speakeasies and underground venues, creating communities that remained invisible to mainstream society. Then there are the great numbers of gay men who had to enter into an "acceptable" relationship—marriage to a woman—in order to maintain the illusion of heterosexuality. Society created a situation where this was barely a choice; anyone believed to be gay would have been subject to loss of employment, banishment from religious institutions, ostracization from family and friends, and violence. Sadly, in many places this is still true. The only chance these people had to express their true sexuality was in brief, clandestine encounters. We must ask: if gay had always been an accepted human variation, would those stereotypes have had the chance to form?

Find a Therapist for Relationships

Recognizing internalized stigma

The flip side of this is that when you are gay and grow up hearing lies about your relationships all the time, you may start to buy into them at a subconscious level. Research shows this internalized stigma can significantly impact mental health.

Internalised stigma or internalized homophobia refers to the process of voluntarily accepting social prejudices about the LGBTQ+ population and manifesting feelings of shame, self-doubt and low self-esteem. These do not stem from organic feelings but are a result of having exposed to the same societal views or pressures for so long that it becomes “internalized”. How might you recognize if the views or thoughts you are having represent internalised stigma? Here are some common themes:

• Persistent shame – Feeling a persistent sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you, often without being able to articulate exactly what or why.
• Denial and suppression – Telling yourself attraction is "just a phase," and that you will get over it. Finding yourself mentally pushing same-sex thoughts away, only to have them return more forcefully.
• Distancing from queer identity – Consciously avoiding LGBTQ+ spaces, media, or visibly queer people, even when privately drawn to them, to avoid self-confrontation or association.
• Sabotaging intimacy – Pulling yourself away from same-gender partners when relationships become real or visible, as though closeness with someone of the same gender feels dangerous or undeserved.
• Feeling undeserving of joy – Reaching positive milestones (coming out, a relationship, community) and feeling strangely flat or guilty rather than happy, as though good things aren't meant for you or something you should be guilty for.

What this can sometimes mean for gay couples is that they may have inhibitions towards displaying their love publicly, leading to confusion in relationships on whether their partner truly loves them. One might even push away a loving relationship due to internalised guilt and shame leading to heartbreak and dissatisfaction with their love lives.

The bisexual and transgender communities have the highest rates of mental health concerns within the LGBTQ+ population, with younger members of the LGBTQ+ community struggling the most with mental health concerns of all age groups. It is therefore important for young gay people to really think about whom they are as individuals and what they want for themselves, while being aware of how internalized stigma might show up in day to day experiences. Because today more than ever, there are options. Gay is "out." Gay people from all walks of life are speaking out about their sexual identity, which is reassuring and reflective of more growing acceptance. There are new laws being passed. Though it's worth noting that support has seen some fluctuation in recent years. While support for same-sex marriage dipped slightly to 67% in 2023 from a record high of 69% the year before, it remains significantly higher than it was a decade ago. In fact, for more and more of the public, gay is a nonissue. It is mainstream. But where there are options, one has to think about the choices.

Current research reveals the complexity of modern LGBTQ+ relationships. Studies show that cisgender sexual minority women are more likely than cisgender sexual minority men to engage in monogamous relationships, and the latter are more likely than the former to be in open relationships, with some research suggesting that lesbian women may have a greater adhesion to heteronormative gender roles prescribing monogamy, marriage, and family than do gay men. This diversity in relationship structures reflects the freedom to choose what works best for each individual and couple.

Choosing what you want for yourself

Choice is freedom and that's a great thing. But with choice comes the need for self-examination and responsibility. You can't just be along for the ride. YOU are in the driver's seat now. What do you want for yourself? Do you enjoy the single life? Is marriage what you've always dreamed of? Is it something you want, just not right now? How about parenthood? Do you understand that dating is a process of learning about one another? Do you know what you want out of a relationship and how to have a healthy one? These are all things you need to ask yourself, but may not have been able to realistically consider until recently.

Today's data shows the reality of these expanded opportunities. The largest share of LGBTQ+ adults — 51.1% — report that they are single or have never married, reflecting that young adults are disproportionately likely to identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual, compared to 23.7% of all U.S. adults who have never married. Overall, 14.4% of all LGBTQ+ adults are in a cohabiting relationship with a same-sex partner, including 8.0% who are married and 6.4% who are living with a domestic partner.

In the past, other people labeled the relationships of the gay community based on prejudices and discrimination. The gay rights movement has, and continues to, open up doors so that each individual can decide what is meaningful and chart the course of his or her own life. While challenges remain, particularly for LGBTQ+ youth, most LGBTQ+ individuals are incredibly resilient and will thrive in the face of adversity, with the help of supportive families, communities, and peers.

If you're navigating questions about your sexual identity or relationship goals, consider speaking with an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist who can provide support tailored to your unique experiences and needs.

Medical Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

References

Community Marketing and Insights & UCLA Williams Institute. (2024). Perspectives on marriage equality in 2024. Williams Institute. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Perspectives-Marriage-Equality-Jun-2024.pdf

Pew Research Center. (2025). Rising number of U.S. households are headed by married same-sex couples. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2025/06/ST_2025.6.12_same-sex-couples_report.pdf

Mental Health America. (2025). LGBTQ+ communities and mental health. https://mhanational.org/resources/lgbtq-communities-and-mental-health/

Cannas Aghedu, F., Blais, M., & Séguin, L. J. (2024). Romantic relationship configurations and their correlates among LGBTQ+ persons: A latent class analysis. PLoS One, 19(9), e0309954. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11398688/

Lavietes, M. (2024, March 12). Support for same-sex marriage and LGBTQ protections dipped in 2023, survey shows. NBC News. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna142751

Williams Institute. (2025). Nearly 600,000 same-sex couples have married since Obergefell v. Hodges. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/ss-marriage-data-media-alert/

Gallup. (2025). Share of married LGBTQ+ Americans down slightly from peak. https://news.gallup.com/poll/691199/share-married-lgbtq-americans-down-slightly-peak.aspx

History Channel. (2025). How gay culture blossomed during the roaring twenties. https://www.history.com/articles/gay-culture-roaring-twenties-prohibition

Arcadia Publishing. (2024). The hidden and heroic history of LGBTQ+ America: From shadows to visibility. https://www.arcadiapublishing.com/blogs/news/the-hidden-and-heroic-history-of-lgbtq-america-from-shadows-to-visibility

Saunders, C. L. (2024). Mental health challenges within the LGBTQ community: A societal imperative. Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care, 13(9), 3529-3535. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11504819/

All children want to know about their origins. As their minds develop and their understanding of the world grows, their questions go deeper. Toddlers ask where babies come from; teenagers want to know where they came from. It is part of their identity development. For gay parents (and all adoptive and foster parents), the answers to those questions can be complicated.

Gay parents do not become parents in the usual way (unless they had their children while in a heterosexual relationship). They may use donor sperm or eggs; lesbian mothers may have each carried a child, or all the children may have been carried by one of them; gay male parents may use sperm from both, or just one of the men. And with both gay men and lesbians, they may have used either strangers or people known to them during the reproductive process. Yeah, complicated. So what DO you tell the kids when they ask questions?

[fat_widget_right]

The two most important factors in responding to any questions children have are (1) understanding their age/developmental level and (2) sticking to the truth. (I am reminded of the old joke in which 7-year-old Jimmy asks his dad where he came from. Caught off guard, Dad awkwardly tells Jimmy about the birds and the bees. After which Jimmy replies, “Oh. Davey came from Ohio.”)

Very young children require only a few words to satisfy their curiosity. When your 4-year-old asks where babies come from, they simply want, “They grow inside a woman’s body,” not a sex education lecture. Later, at around seven to 10 years of age, their expanding minds may start wondering how that baby got in the woman’s body. Even then, they are usually satisfied with, “The man’s seed started it growing there.” It is not usually till the preteen years when kids get curious about sex. So, don’t overwhelm your child with what you think they need to know or what you assume they want to know. If you’re not sure what they are looking for, get clarification. Then give them the simplest answers and if they want to know more, they’ll ask.

Children also want to know about their personal story. They like to see younger versions of themselves in the family photo album. Depending on the family, they may also see pictures of the orphanage they were adopted from, their pregnant surrogate, or their biological parents. This does not “confuse” young children—whatever they grow up with is normal to them. Even when they start school, children accept differences because the adults in their world do. In fact, children have to be taught by older kids or adults that differences are “wrong.” It is then that they may start questioning their origins or the make-up of their family.

It is best to know beforehand how you will respond to your children’s questions so when they come to you, you can be calm and assured. Your children will pick up on your feelings; if you are uncomfortable, they will sense that something is wrong or that this is a taboo subject. They may even transfer that awkwardness to themselves, thinking there is something wrong with them.

Many parents, both straight and gay, avoid the truth in talking to their children because they are not comfortable with certain subjects, or they think there are things the child is better off not knowing. While every good parent wants to protect his or her child, keeping secrets makes it seem like there is something shameful that needs to be hidden. And it is virtually impossible to keep secrets in a family forever. At some point, someone is going to let something slip. Or the adult child may need genetic information, or may find out through testing that he or she is not biologically related to one or both parents. There are few things as destructive to a parent-child relationship as betrayal.

Children can handle almost anything if they are given the information by someone they trust, in a positive way, in words they can understand. You and your partner or spouse should plan for this ahead of time. Sharing the story of how you became a family can be a special bonding experience.

With gay rights making big advances, more gay couples are coming forth to dismantle the stereotype that their relationships are superficial and brief. The truth is they can be just as committed and loving as heterosexual ones. They can also have the same types of conflict: family, finances, household chores, parenting, and so on. Any two people trying to live together are going to run into disagreements. There are a few things, however, that are unique to same-sex couples.

One of the most difficult aspects for same-sex couples can be keeping a boundary between lovers and friends. In a heterosexual relationship, the boundaries are clearly marked by sex: A man may spend a “night out with the boys” without engendering feelings of insecurity in his partner. Likewise, a woman could go to a bridal shower with no concerns on the part of her husband. Should he want to have dinner with an ex-girlfriend, however, or if her workout trainer is a man, there may be some tension.

In gay relationships, there is no such division—most friends and exes are of the same sex as the couple. They also tend to share the same friendship circle. It would be weird, therefore, if one half of the couple socialized with their friends while the other stayed home. In fact, exes are often part of the friendship circle, making it even more awkward.

There is no one way to handle this situation, but as it is healthy for every couple to spend some time apart, it would be wise to agree to some rules at the beginning of the relationship. For example, if one partner was friends with “Kelly” long before the couple got together, it might be agreed that occasional get-togethers with just the two of them would be OK. Or maybe the rule is no attending parties alone if an ex is going to be there. Better still, discuss underlying fears and where they are coming from long before the situation arises. Remember, though, that it is not useful to get angry or make light of your partner’s fears. Defensiveness tends to exacerbate the fear. Make sure they feel heard, and that you respect what they are saying before you start reassuring. It goes without saying—but I’m going to say it anyway—you shouldn’t add fuel to the fire by staying out until early morning or talking with your friend several times a day.

Another issue unique to same-sex couples is that each partner may be at a different level of comfort with being “out.” One partner may be comfortable with holding hands or kissing in public. The other may not be there yet, or may have more fears about negative repercussions. In this scenario, it is good to remember that each person is entitled to develop in his/her own way. Pushing your partner to be at your level is unfair and insensitive. If it is a major area of conflict, it might be helpful to see a therapist to gain understanding of each other’s viewpoints and find a place of compromise.

The above issue can be particularly tough when it comes to family. Many stories have been written about in-law troubles, but in same-sex couples there is an additional layer of conflict. It may be that one partner is not yet out to his or her parents, which puts the other in an awkward position. Or perhaps they are out, but the parents are not accepting. Again, very uncomfortable. Does she go to dinner there alone? Does he refuse to see his family if they don’t accept his partner? Because each person, couple, and situation is unique, the answers have to be worked out by each individual couple. However, there are better ways to address this than to make your partner choose between his/her parents and you.

While it is hard not to feel hurt when your partner seems to be taking his or her parents’ side, try to remember that your boyfriend or girlfriend probably has imperfect parents just like everyone else and that there are issues leftover from childhood. Also, everyone feels the family bond (or lack thereof) differently. I would say that attitude is a big factor here: Is your partner willing to admit that there may need to be some changes made, or does he or she refuse to even discuss the matter? Does he or she acknowledge your feelings, or does he or she get defensive? Does he or she rationalize and say, “We only have to see them twice a year”? If you really feel you are being left out in the cold, there may be more going wrong in the relationship than just in-laws and you might have to take a closer look at the whole picture.

When it comes to relationships, a certain amount of conflict is normal. How you handle it, however, is what makes the difference between a healthy, lasting relationship and one that ends bitterly. Being aware of potential issues, and talking them over before they get too heated, is one way to keep trouble to a minimum.