Have you ever called yourself “stupid” just because you made a mistake?
When you look in the mirror, do you curse your reflection for not being attractive enough?
Do you make silent, sarcastic remarks to yourself after you speak?
When you engage in self-criticism, it’s like having your very own personal bully living inside your head.
Whenever you try something new, the bully is there to taunt you. When you think about taking a risk, the bully lets you know you’ll probably fail. And when it comes to relationships, the bully is the first to point out your flaws and weaknesses, all the reasons no one could ever really love you.
The bully loves to control you. It’s the bully’s “thing.”
Your bully is happiest when you’re anxious about screwing up, or else feeling like you already screwed up. That’s what gives bullies their power.
If you want to ditch the bully, you’ll need to take your power back. But before you can do that, make sure you really want to get rid of the bully inside your head.
“What?” you may ask. “How can you even ask me that? Of COURSE I want to ditch this bully!”
Are you sure?
The bully in your head is there for a reason. The bully is there to keep you on your toes. What if you didn’t have a bully pointing out how badly you’re doing in everything? How much worse might you be?
Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?
The real bully is your belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you. How ready do you feel to let go of that?
As long as you suspect there’s something wrong with you, you’ll need a bully to keep you on the right track.
Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?
Take a few moments to mull it over.
What does it mean if there is really, truly nothing at all wrong with you? It could mean a lot of things, not all of them pleasant. For example:
- You’ve been treated worse than you deserve to be treated.
- You’ve turned down opportunities that might have made your life better.
- Your expectations of yourself may have seemed too high, but have really been too low.
- Your expectations of others have been low or nonexistent.
- You wasted years not following your dreams for fear you didn’t deserve them.
Taking back your power from the bully in your head is not without cost. The cost of taking back your power is regret—for all the years you let the bully control you.
Go ahead and feel the regret. You earned it and it won’t kill you.
Then take back your power by saying no to the bully who insists there’s something wrong with you.
There’s no special trick to it. Just do it.
Act as if there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a good person. You won’t do bad things just because no one’s there to criticize you anymore.
You trusted the bully to take care of you all these years, but it cost you some self-esteem. Trust yourself now. Ditch the bully.
When the bully calls you stupid or unattractive, say, “I disagree.” Then mentally walk away from that criticism.
That’s how you take charge. One thought, one moment, at a time.
Good luck taking on your bully. Let me know how it goes.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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