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4 Steps to Erasing the Trauma of Painful Memories

Sad woman looking out window

Most everyone has at least one traumatic memory embedded in their brains. One that still resonates for me was the time my mother left me alone when I was six years old to take the babysitter home. When I looked apprehensive, she told me not to worry. “I’ll be right back,” she said, smiling brightly, and drove off. As it got dark, I became more and more frightened that something had happened to her and she wasn’t coming back.

By the time she returned I was totally terrified. She found me standing outside wailing. She scolded me and took me inside. Years later, whenever my wife was late coming home I would become worried and anxious. My heart would begin to pound, and more than once when she was particularly late, I had a full-blown panic attack.

I know I’m not alone. Some have memories from a car accident, a rape, a natural disaster, a violent parent, a drunk husband, a hospital stay, an assault, the horrors of war. Experiences like these are more common than you might think, with an estimated 60% or more of Americans who have experienced at least one of these at some point in life. Not all of these memories cause people to experience trauma later in life, but they can cause problems for many, and for some they can be debilitating. People with posttraumatic stress (PTSD) can become hypersensitive, with nerves on a permanent state of high alert. Fear and anxiety recur without warning, and nightmares can ruin sleep.

Memories and Trauma

But now there are simple, yet effective, ways to actually erase the traumatic emotions that often accompany these memories so that they can finally be put to rest. Many people can do this work on their own. For more difficult traumatic memories, working with a therapist who specializes in healing trauma can be helpful.

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In his book Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, neuropsychologist Rick Hanson says, “Your brain was wired in such a way when it evolved, it was primed to learn quickly from bad experiences but not so much from the good ones.” It’s why traumatic memories so often stick in our brains, while positive memories seem to slip away. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism that turned the brain into Velcro for the negative, but Teflon for the positive,” Hanson concludes.

Fortunately, new findings from the field of affective neuroscience can help people heal traumatic memories that can contribute to PTSD, depression, bipolar, and even Alzheimer’s. One of the things we are learning about memories is critically important: Though the brain is particularly good at recording bad memories, they are not permanently locked into the brain’s memory banks, as we once thought. Whenever we actively recall a memory, it transforms and becomes vulnerable to modification.

When we recall a memory it becomes a little unstable and for a window of perhaps two or three hours, it’s possible to modify it before it settles down again, or “reconsolidates,” in the brain. That’s why, paradoxically, recalling bad memories can help us heal from old wounds. Reliving traumatic moments again in a condition of safety can help a person disconnect the memory from the painful “alarm” mechanisms that are the source of so much discomfort.

In the book The Archeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions, Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven say, “Emotional memories remain forever malleable, subject to influence by future events—through a phenomenon called reconsolidation.” This is the basis of various treatment approaches for healing trauma including prolonged exposure therapy, supportive psychotherapy, emotional freedom techniques (tapping), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), trauma-based cognitive behavior therapy, and MDMA-assisted psychotherapy.

How to HEAL

Based on the latest in neuroscience finds Rick Hanson offers a simple, yet effective, method for rewiring the brain from the negative emotions associated with trauma to the positive emotions associated with health and wellness. In his book, he describes a four step process using the acronym HEAL.

  1. Have a positive experience.

Step 1 activates a positive mental state, and steps 2, 3, and 4 install it in your brain. In step 1 we notice a positive experience that’s already present in the foreground or background of your awareness. In the example I offered at the beginning, I tuned into an experience where I felt safe and supported, and brought to mind experiences of safety and security.

  1. Enrich it.

Too often we spend minutes, and sometimes hours and days, ruminating over a negative experience, but we gloss over the positive. Here we take time to deepen the positive experience. I would open myself to the feelings of support I have in my life. I would picture and my wife and friends and the many supports I have, filling my inner conscious with at least 10 to 20 seconds of positive memory.

  1. Absorb it.

Here we imagine ourselves drinking in the experience. I imagine all my cells being infused with the experience. I feel it sinking into me and becoming part of my brain and all the parts of my being.

  1. Link positive and negative material.

Hanson describes this as an optional step. We don’t want to become overwhelmed by the negative, but to hold the negative in consciousness while it is infused with the positive. Hanson uses the image of a garden. We imagine the beauty of beautiful flowers we are planting. We become aware of the weeds and gently pull them out so there’s room for growth. He concludes by saying, “Whenever you want, let go of all negative material and rest only in the positive. Then, to continue uprooting the negative material, a few times over the next hour be aware of only neutral or positive things that may have been associated with the negative.

I bought back the memories of being left by my mother and some of the associated experiences of getting anxious whenever someone I cared about was late. Focusing on the negative while activating positive experiences can actually “erase” the fearful feelings from the past. I still remember my mother leaving me alone and being angry with me when she returned, but it doesn’t grab me and shake me up like it used to do and I’m much less anxious when my wife is late coming home.

I describe other techniques for healing old pain in my book, Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. I often use them along with the ones that Dr. Hanson teaches. In this engaging TED talk Dr. Hanson describes how we can rewire the brain for joy and happiness and heal from trauma. In another show he describes how our mind can change the brain from being Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive.

Even when traumatic memories don’t reach a level of discomfort associated with PTSD, they can still be destructive. Hanson notes that unresolved trauma “increases inflammation, weakens your immune system, and wears on your cardiovascular system. No one has to live with traumatic memories from the past. They can truly be healed now and forever.

© Copyright 2014 by Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW, therapist in Willits, California. All Rights Reserved.

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  • wyatt June 12th, 2014 at 2:11 PM #1

    I am not sure that I understand exactly why you would want to forget about the painful memory. Yes I get that this is not something that you want to rehas every single day but at the same time don’t you think that it would give you a sense of pride to know that you can think about it from time to time and it doesn’t have to defeat you like it has in the past?

    There is something that for me would make me want to fight this thing head on and show myself that I can be this thing and that I have not allowed it to beat me.

  • Jed Diamond June 12th, 2014 at 4:46 PM #2


    Thanks for your comment. These processes don’t erase the memory. I agree that its empowering to think about what has happened and how we’ve dealt with it. What these do is to take away the traumatic and fearful feelings that often accompany the memory. They take away the post-traumatic aspects so we can live easily on the other side of the pain.

  • Adelaide June 13th, 2014 at 2:36 PM #3

    Love the HEAL method as I think that this can relate to many of us in so many stages of our lives, whether we have experienced something truly traumatic or not. And the thing that I most love about it is that it truly encourages us as to what the end result should indeed be all about which is about healing and letting go of that painful past to make room for a happier future.

  • Krista June 14th, 2014 at 5:16 AM #4

    It is great to take a moment even when you are facing horrible times and memories, to think about the wonderful people who have helped to pull you through this and who have never left you. Those are the things that I hope that I would be able to fixate on, the strength and the sanity that I would be able to derive from others in my life, those who have given me the courage and the encouragement all along to keep moving forward even in the face of adversity and fear. If that is one good thing that could come from something like this then I would hope that these are the people whom I could cling to and whom I could always remember all of the things that they have so willingly and openly given to me.

  • Jed Diamond June 15th, 2014 at 6:08 AM #5

    Thanks for the comments. I’ve found these tools to be simple, effective, and very healing. I use them in my own life and with my clients.

  • jeremy b June 16th, 2014 at 4:17 AM #6

    Do you think that trauma is something that most people need the help of a therapist to get over, or are there some things that one could do on his own to start getting through the healing process? Yes I am talking about me because I have so many painful memories from my childhood and at least I am aware enough to know that in so many ways they have left me totally screwed up, but I just don’t have the funds to commit to real therapy. Hsve any thoughts on that or some things I could work on at home to get through some of this?

  • Jed Diamond June 16th, 2014 at 10:51 AM #7

    Jeremy, thanks for the note. Most people have experienced trauma that needs healing and there’s much we can do on our own. I recommend a book by my colleague Dr. George Pratt called Code to Joy. It gives excellent
    directions for doing a lot of healing of old wounds. If you need more help after that, a good therapist can be helpful.

  • jeremy b June 17th, 2014 at 4:21 AM #8

    Thanks, I will be checking out that book

  • Debbie July 20th, 2014 at 3:07 PM #9

    My two brothers and I were sexually abuse by our good friends next door when we we little. The youngest brother was later diagnosed skitsophrenic and died at age 22 from suicide, my other little brother just died 3 weeks ago due to self abuse with drugs, he was 57. I an 58 yrs old and have had drug abuse problems in the past hut I went to therapy and it helped. I was also physically and emotional abused by my mother but my brothers were not. I have been diagnosed as depressed bipolar but I can’t take the medicine for it so I take a low dose of Prozac to get me by. My family is and always has been in denial about my brothers and me, this has caused me hidden anger because me and my brothers feel different and my older siblings and our parents don’t understand. How can I deal with this anger. I don’t let it control me but I would like it to go away. Thanks, have a good day

  • Jed Diamond July 20th, 2014 at 8:45 PM #10

    Debbie, Trauma can impact us and the wounds can stay with us for a long time. Fortunately there are many good treatments now for dealing with the effects of trauma. A good therapist who is trained in dealing with abuse and trauma issues can help you deal with the residual anger.

    Know that the anger is healthy and with support you can find ways to heal the anger and gain greater peace in joy in your life.

    Good for you for hanging in there. It takes a lot of courage to live deeply and stay open to healing.

    I appreciate your sharing your story. I’m sure it will be helpful to others who have experienced similar pain.

  • Jeanine February 28th, 2015 at 9:28 AM #11

    Thanks, I needed to hear that. I’m going through that very situation right now.

  • Victimized February 28th, 2015 at 3:05 PM #12

    i have been seeing a therapist since August twice a month. I almost had a breakdown. I couldn’t believe she was finding a way for me to start feeling like it just happened yesterday. When I know I need a good cry I stop it before it’s finished. I need to stay in that moment so any suggestions or will therapust finally help me to break down? She asked if there were more incidents. And she says I need to talk about them. I know she’s right. I just don’t like crying in front of someone

  • Arika February 28th, 2015 at 11:46 PM #13

    When I was very young after my mother divorced from my )stepfather stepfather,my little brother went with his dad, while I unfortunately had to live with our mother, she claimed she had Lupus (found out this year that she was not cliclinically diagnosed) back to the story with her claim she started doing drugs, therefore messing with her brain. Do to the drugs she could not pay the rent,so she would let men live with us, herself and I. What makes it traumatic is because she would do 1 of 2 things with me and I am not even in my double digits at the time,she would either take me to a place that was both a restaurant and a lounge, she would put me in the restaurant where I could see her as did drugs and drank sometimes to a stupor, there were times she would go out but rather than taking me with her she would leave me with the men she had helping her pay the rent, they tried things to no avail,because I had a guardian angel in the form of my Grandparents. With all this said, I was lucky to find a man who was willing to take the time to get me over some of my fears of how men treat women, it wasn’t an easy task for him he had to tell me to relax the first time he held my hand, but still to this time I am not very comfortable around men. I want to thank my Grandparents and my boyfriend for helping me without my asking. Wonderful article and true.

  • Jed Diamond March 1st, 2015 at 6:57 AM #14

    Healing and working with a therapist can be on life-giving, but difficult, process. Trust is essential and takes time to develop. I encourage clients and therapists to take whatever time is necessary to develop trust so you can open up, cry, get angry, whatever you need to do. Don’t ever hold back your tears. They are always healing.

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