GoodTherapy | Seeing Fireworks? Perhaps You’ve Found the Love of Your Life

Well, maybe not real fireworks. But according to MeiMei Fox—a speaker, depth psychotherapy life coach, and author of a recent article—feeling as if fireworks are exploding is one of the 10 sure signs that you’ve found your true love. Fox, who has had her share of failed relationships, worked with her new husband to come up with 10 signs that partner is Mr. or Mrs. Right:

  1. Sexual attraction: Even though fireworks may eventually smolder, sexual attraction to your partner is a must and serves as a foundation for love, honesty, and intimacy.
  2. Authenticity: Partners should be comfortable with each other exactly as they are, with no pressure to act like someone they’re not.
  3. Commitment: If one partner is not able to commit wholeheartedly to the relationship, it could mean they have doubts. Commitment is at the core of a true loving union.
  4. Honesty: There is no place for secrets in the most important relationship of your life. “When it’s true love, you should find yourself wanting to share everything,” Fox says. “Your love is made simple and true by being honest.”
  5. Unity: Each partner must put his or her needs behind those of the relationship. As the old saying goes: “There is no ‘I’ in team.” True love is about teamwork.
  6. Priority No. 1: The relationship should come before anything else. The love you share with your soulmate should be the most valuable thing in both of your lives, and you should stay committed to letting nothing get in the way of working toward and sharing in its success.
  7. It’s romantic: Relationships should not be all work. They should be fun, and each partner should be living in the fun of the relationship rather than talking about the relationship and its problems.
  8. Your friends are happy: People sometimes worry too much about what their friends will think of a new love interest. Fox agrees that outsiders may be able to see things in your partner that you can’t. When family and friends like the person who makes you happy, it’s a good sign.
  9. You want to be home: Looking forward to returning home to the arms of your partner reinforces that you’re with someone you love, value, and enjoy being with.
  10. Having that lucky feeling: Fox says that she feels as if she’s won the lottery every morning she wakes up next to her husband. Although that might not happen all the time for most people, you can be pretty sure you’ve found a keeper if you feel darned lucky that he or she found you too.

Reference:
Fox, MeiMei. 10 Signs You’ve Found “The One” (n.d.): n. pag. The Huffington Post. 12 Sept. 2012. Web. 12 Sept. 2012. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meimei-fox/10-signs-youve-found-the-_b_1870841.html

The ideal standards model (ISM) of interpersonal evaluations suggests that a partner becomes dissatisfied with his or her relationship when the significant other fails to measure up to what he or she expects an ideal mate to be. Likewise, this level of dissatisfaction can occur when one partner perceives that he or she is not living up to his or her partner’s standards. These relationship discrepancies therefore are indirectly caused by each partner, whether that person realizes it or not. Additionally, each type of discrepancy, whether partner generated (PD-Partner) or self-generated (PD-Self) can produce a different behavioral response. Although partner behavior has been studied in the context of ISM, it has not been explored further. Therefore, to address the partner discrepancy origins and effects using the ISM, Sandra D. Lackenbauer of the Department of Psychology at Western University in Ontario, Canada, recently led a series of studies of partners in unmarried and married relationships.

Lackenbauer assessed how PD affected motivation, avoidance, feelings of self-worth and agitation. In the first three studies, Lackenbauer found that those with high levels of PD-partner felt dejected while those with high levels of PD-self had more agitation. This was especially evident on scales that measured trustworthiness and feelings of warmth and caring. In the final two studies, the participants with PD-partner led to promotion-focused emotional responses while the presence of PD-self resulted in more prevention-based strategies.

The findings from these studies extend previous research on ISM and emotional regulation within intimate relationships. Although some existing research suggests that discrepancies are directly related to dissatisfaction within relationships, the results of Lackenbauer’s research suggests otherwise. In fact, the participants who exhibited PD-partner trends engaged in nurturing and promoting behaviors which can be a positive path for increases in satisfaction. The prevention behaviors displayed by those with high levels of PD-self suggest that individuals who perceive themselves as less than ideal take actions that minimize feelings of insecurity and abandonment in their relationships. Additionally, these individuals tend to maximize their assets in an effort to more closely match what they believe their partner’s ideal to be. Lackenbauer added, “Especially for those people involved in generally satisfying and committed relationships, this prevention strategy could be aimed at reducing the partner discrepancy to ultimately maintain the relationship satisfaction.” Regardless, Lackenbauer believes that more research is needed to fully examine how these discrepancies and ensuing behaviors contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.

Recent research continues to support these findings, showing that couples’ emotional regulation strategies and how partners manage discrepancies between expectations and reality remain crucial factors in relationship satisfaction and stability. Studies from 2023 demonstrate that satisfaction with relationship status and the alignment between relationship desires and reality significantly impact mental health outcomes, with higher satisfaction associated with lower depression and romantic loneliness.

Contemporary research emphasizes that difficulties related to partner discrepancies remain among the most common complaints in people seeking relationship therapy, with communication quality playing a key role in how couples manage these discrepancies. Modern studies also highlight how partners’ mutual influences on behavior change intentions and emotional regulation continue to shape relationship dynamics, with individuals experiencing more negative emotions when their partner’s readiness for change differs from their own.

Reference: Lackenbauer, S. D., Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029054

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*The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.*

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References:

  1. Baghaei, N., et al. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 18(1). https://brieflands.com/journals/ijpbs/articles/148166.pdf
  2. Dębek, A., et al. (2023). Relationship (in)congruency may differently impact mental health. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 30(2), 121-135. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2757
  3. Driebe, J. C., Stern, J., Penke, L., & Gerlach, T. M. (2024). Probing the predictive validity of ideal partner preferences for future partner traits and relationship outcomes across 13 years. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(4), 832-859. https://doi.org/10.1177/08902070231213797
  4. Galizia, R., Theodorou, A., et al. (2023). Sexual satisfaction mediates the effects of the quality of dyadic sexual communication on the degree of perceived sexual desire discrepancy. Healthcare, 11(5), 648. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare11050648
  5. Gouin, J.-P. (2024). Couples-based health behavior change interventions: A relationship science perspective on the unique opportunities and challenges to improve dyadic health. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 19, 100250. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpnec.2024.100250
  6. Lackenbauer, S. D., & Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(3), 472-488. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029054
  7. Roth, M., Landolt, S. A., Nussbeck, F. W., Weitkamp, K., & Bodenmann, G. (2024). Positive outcomes of long-term relationship satisfaction trajectories in stable romantic couples: A 10-year longitudinal study. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-024-00201-1
  8. Wrobel, M., et al. (2023). What matters in a relationship—Age, sexual satisfaction, relationship length, and interpersonal closeness as predictors of relationship satisfaction in young adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

Unhappy couple sitting on stone steps

According to a recent article, being completely honest with your mate about infidelity might not always be the best strategy. Clinical Psychologist Bruce Stevens explained that understanding the need to be honest about the affair can help guide the decision whether to do so or not. Stevens has worked with couples for more than two decades and said that his experience has shown him that only about half of marriages survive after an affair has been revealed. He says, “After an affair is found out, it’s like a bomb has been dropped on the relationship and you cannot predict how it will go.”

When someone confesses to having an affair, it can create a sense of chaos unlike any other the relationship has ever experienced. Stevens knows that couples who put in the effort to work through the many issues that arise after the affair have a good chance of salvaging their relationship and usually have a stronger, better, healthier relationship because of it. Stevens says that many people admit to their affair in order to assuage their own guilt. He believes that this reason should not be the motivating factor for full disclosure. Stevens says there is no guarantee that both partners will be able to overcome the damage caused by the truth and thinks it’s almost like playing Russian roulette.

The good news is that Stevens also thinks that there is significant hope for couples who can be realistic after they go through the pain of discovering an affair. If both partners are willing to accept responsibility and recognize that they are both human beings, flawed and imperfect, they have a very good chance of moving forward in their life together. Regardless of whether partners choose to come clean about their infidelity or not, Stevens reminds us that affairs are like fairytales. They are illusions that allow us to temporarily escape reality. The difference is, affairs rarely end “happily ever after.”

Related articles:
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One of the primary goals of successful therapy is the formation of a meaningful and strong therapeutic alliance. This bond between the therapist and client is essential for creating an environment of openness, acceptance, and trust. Therapists are largely responsible for developing this foundation, but clients contribute significantly to the bond as well, even if they are unaware they are doing so. Many clients bring past experiences into therapy. Negative and judgmental encounters with previous therapists can cause clients to be distrusting and fearful in treatment, creating barriers to constructive working alliances. Understanding how clients’ past experiences influence the therapeutic bond, and how therapists can overcome these challenges, was the focus of a recent study conducted by Christian Moltu of the Division of Psychiatry at the District General Hospital of Forde in Norway.

Moltu interviewed a dozen therapists and asked them to describe how they overcame hurdles they experienced with hesitant and resistant clients. The therapists were trained in a range of approaches and yet each described similar methods for interacting with difficult clients. Each therapist stated that he or she achieved a productive working alliance, despite their clients’ reservations, by doing one of three things. The therapists said that successful alliances occurred when clients asked the therapists to help them with the relational challenges they faced. Additionally, therapists noted that bonds were built when they acknowledged the clients’ willingness and courage to overcome existing challenges. Lastly, when clients were unable to move past victimization and suffering, therapists found a way to build a bond with them by recognizing this deficit in their clients and explaining that the goal of therapy was to move from challenging situations to positive outcomes. Moltu added, “We found that participants experienced the client as contributing relationally and that this influences how the therapists respond and are present in the interaction.” By being attentive to the past experiences a client brings to therapy, a therapist can work with the client to overcome these limitations and ultimately develop a strong and cooperative therapeutic relationship.

Reference:
Moltu, C., Binder, P.-E., Stige, B. (2012). Collaborating with the client: Skilled psychotherapists’ experiences of the client’s agency as a premise for their own contribution in difficult therapies ending well. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0028010

Open coconut and flowerSaturday April 28th was my 11th Ocha Birthday. That is to say it was the anniversary of my initiation as a Yoruba/Lucumi Priest  of Obatala (April 28, 2001). To me, it’s as important a date as my natal birthday. Traditionally, to mark the anniversary, we purchase food and cook for the Orishas (the divinities we worship), read each Orisha we have with Obi (4 quarters of coconut), and generally strive to have a peaceful and meditative day. Sometimes, if possible, we open our homes to other Orisha Priests to come and salute our Orishas and to offer their blessings. Since I was in a somewhat isolated location, I chose to spend the day with only one other person (my significant other).

My experience on the day of my anniversary was a very positive one. The Orishas were basically happy and were satisfied with my offerings of fruit, candy, and in some instances the food I had prepared for them. One or two wanted a bit more but nothing complicated.

Spending this day basically on my own, taking the risk of reading my Orishas on my own (previously I always had someone else do it) was a real boost to my confidence. I also prayed and sang and felt the presence of spirit. It reaffirmed for me that I was truly blessed. I felt truly grateful that the Orishas had guided me to them and had chosen me as their child.

Now I know this must sound kind of confusing to many of you; maybe even a little bit alarming. My religion is virtually unknown by many if not most Americans, despite the fact that there are millions of observers worldwide.  But my specific belief system is not the point of this article.

What I have in my life at this time in my life (I’m an Elder) is a solid foundation of faith, which is something I have never had before. I trust in the divinities to guide me, and I do what they say as I learn through divination. I feel protected and held. I have support and love that is unconditional. The Orishas are patient and giving as long as you are respectful and follow their advice (if you don’t, there can be consequences).

What this faith has done for me after decades of psychotherapy is help me heal. In treatment I gained a great deal of understanding, and the relationship with my therapists was healing in itself. There is great value in it. However, it was and is my faith that has taken me to the next level where I was able to finally forgive those who had wronged me; where I was able to either let go of or moderate my fear; and where I was able to accept myself and others as I am/they are.

For most of my life, psychotherapy was my higher power. That is different now. As I observe the patients I treat in my practice, I see that those who have some spiritual connection are those that make the most significant and lasting progress. Those that are what I would call spiritually bankrupt struggle the most for the longest.

People come to me knowing of my dual credentials as Psychotherapist and Ordained Yoruba/Lucumi Priest, and even though we talk about the issues and problems of the day, I believe some at least are seeking help in connecting to their spiritual selves. When they state this outright, I work with them on this. Otherwise, I am very patient.

Related articles:
Part 3: Source Energy Optimizes Life—Escalating Source Energy Through Trauma Resolution
Spirituality and Therapy: Opening the Portal with Prayer
Turning It Over

Couples seek therapy to achieve better communication, increase trust, and enhance intimacy, among other reasons. Surprisingly, almost half of couples who enter relationship therapy do so with the goal of determining if the relationship is viable enough to continue. Although there is much research examining how therapy goals influence outcome, little attention has been given to the relationship between viability goals and outcome in couples therapy. To this end, Jesse Owen of the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at the University of Louisville led a study that looked specifically at how treatment goals expressed at the beginning of therapy affected eventual outcome with regards to maintaining the relationship.

Using data collected from 249 couples treated by various therapists, Owen looked at goals of improving the relationship compared to goals of clarifying the relationship’s viability. Owen examined intake paperwork to determine goals and discovered that the partners who had a goal of improvement had better outcomes than those who sought clarification. Specifically, couples who entered therapy to find ways to improve the existing relationship were nearly 80% more likely to be together six months after treatment than the couples who entered therapy wanting to know if they should separate or not. More than half of the couples who wanted clarification at the beginning of therapy had split up six months later.

Owen believes that these results underscore the impact of goal assessment, both for the couple and individual, at the beginning of treatment. Additionally, Owen emphasizes that the clinician has a significant influence on outcome, noting that even when a couple’s primary goal is clarification, they may consider other options as a result of the clinician’s hope and encouragement. The re-evaluation of goals throughout treatment is essential to achieve a positive outcome, even if that outcome is dissolution of the relationship. “The complex intersection of varied hopes, goals, and expectations, occurring often within an emotionally charged atmosphere, requires that clinicians ‘dance’ simultaneously with different partners.” Owen added, “Determining and tracking goals from the outset appears likely to help ensure that the therapist does not step on too many feet too often.”

Reference:
Owen, J., Duncan, B., Anker, M., Sparks, J. (2012, February 13). Initial Relationship Goal and Couple Therapy Outcomes at Post and Six-Month Follow-Up. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026998

GoodTherapy | Learning to Accept Love After Experiencing TraumaLove is one of the most elemental of emotions. It is a building block of some of our deepest relationships and a component in many of our happiest days. Yet the ability to freely give and receive love is a fragile skill, which traumatic experiences can all too easily dent or damage.

Learning how to be loved is a vital part of your healing. Here are a few things to think about as you regain your ability to accept someone’s care, concern, and nurturing.

Part of learning how to be loved again is learning how to interact with people who express kindness, care, concern, nurture, and attention. Because you have experienced a traumatic experience, you have learned that people are capable of great cruelty. To avoid experiencing cruelty again, a part of your mind may have decided to ensure that you will never be hurt again. One of the ways that your mind tries to protect you from future cruelty is to assume that people are dangerous. This assumption in turn results in you leaning towards mistrust, avoiding vulnerability, and shying away from emotional intimacy.

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One way to practice opening yourself up to love is to practice opening yourself up to trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. But you have to make sure that you are practicing this with a safe person: someone who will not be cruel, let alone abusive, to you.

First, assess the level of vulnerability you open yourself up to if you take in the token of love.

Once you assess the level of vulnerability, take a moment and decide if this is a level of vulnerability you are safe with. If the vulnerability exceeds your level of healing, claim your right to do what is wisest for you, and back off or decline the token of love.

Consider the giver’s genuineness and accuracy. Is this someone with whom you have enough history to know their usual level of genuineness and accuracy? If you’re not sure, consider only accepting an expression of love that is low on your level of vulnerability. If you do have enough history with this person, then let their history of genuineness and accuracy help you decide whether to take in the expression of care, concern, or love. Someone who has proven to be genuine, truthful, and accurate is most likely extending an expression of love that is worthy of trust.

Consider whether there could be an ulterior motive. How would the giver of this token of love benefit from you accepting it? Could this benefit be damaging to you? When accepting an expression of love that makes you beholden or indebted to someone, think long and hard whether there could be an ulterior motive on the behalf of the giver.

If the expression of care is within your range of vulnerability, and is from a genuine and accurate person who does not have a damaging ulterior motive, then take in the love. Practice taking a deep breath while reminding yourself that you are actively healing one of the most fundamental of skills. Recognize that this is a moment in which you are being cared for, loved, and nurtured. Try not to miss these moments of kindness and care.

If you can believe the giver’s statements of friendship, respect, or love, then rejoice in the fact that someone believes these positive things about you. If believing these messages of love is out of your reach right now, then simply practice listening. Avoid disagreeing and don’t rebut the person’s opinions of you. Give voice to your gratitude, and express your thankfulness for this token of love.

If you are working on your healing with a therapist, try using that relationship to practice accepting care. I hope you have experienced your therapist to be the kind of genuine, accurate person with whom it will be safe to practice accepting love. Those questions about how you are, how your week was, and so on, are not just the standard questions of therapy: they are also tiny moments when therapeutic care and concern are being expressed. If nothing else, practice listening to these statements of care without disagreeing. I encourage you to take in the warmth of your therapist.

GoodTherapy | What Is the Right Thing to Do When an Old Lover Connects with You Online?What would you do? An important romantic figure from your past finds you on an internet social media site. Perhaps this was your first love. This renewed connection brings to mind the passion and enthusiasm of youth—before children, financial problems, and middle age. In your mind, you travel back to a time before career worries, mortgage problems, and thinning hair to a time of anticipation, optimism, and more energy. What would you do? Is it a wrong choice to maintain contact on-line? Is it wrong to have a texting relationship? Where do you draw the line? What is the line that would determine that this is an inappropriate relationship?

Infidelity is high on the list of issues that prompt couples to seek relationship therapy. As a therapist who has worked with couples for over 25 years, I see couples struggle with the aftermath of affairs. Typically, both partners are in considerable pain as they work to heal their marriage and build the trust back. Most couples are able to navigate the storm with the help of therapy, good intentions, and motivation to save the marriage.

Recently, social media has been a player in the triangle when individuals find the old flame or school love that has been out of their lives for the last 15 years. The story has become well known. At first, the reunited lovers are happy to find each other on line and enjoy the new “friendship” and reconnection. There is no threat to the marriage. The new spouse is told about the on-line relationship and nothing seems amiss. But slowly over time, the relationship returns to romance. The now married partner struggles with the old emotions getting stirred up again and begins to feel guilt. They try to work it out on their own by not telling their current spouse about the feelings only to find the appeal of the former romance growing stronger. They decide to meet for coffee. They don’t tell their current spouse because they don’t want to worry them. The secrets continue to grow until they become lies. They kiss and an affair begins. It ends when their current mate stumbles upon text messages or email. A few more lies follow when the wrongdoer is confronted and tries to limit the marital damages. At this time, the current spouse is hurt by the infidelity as well as the lies and denial. The lies become worse than the offense. When they come to my office for therapy, they work on repairing the damages and fixing the elements of the marriage that weren’t working before the affair. It is a lot of work to do.

When I review the choices that the wrongdoer made along to way, it is clear to me how the situation could have turned out better. Here is my advice on choice points. As soon as you begin to have feelings for another person, tell your partner, even if this disclosure causes you pain, embarrassment, or discomfort. Have long conversations with your spouse. Expect the conversations to be difficult. Expect to talk about any unhappiness that may be seeping into your relationship. Dissatisfaction that didn’t have words previously will now have names.

The names of these dissatisfactions are stress, money problems, job troubles, parenting issues, or other family concerns. These difficulties are some of the things that send partners into the arms of someone else. They are looking for an escape from the demands of life, and the old flame takes on the bright shining light of deliverance. The deliverance is short lived. The once bright light that looked like a beacon of hope in the storm was more like a kraken leading you towards the rocky shores of a shipwreck.

My advised choice point looks quite logical in hindsight, but if you are in this situation now, it does not look so simple. If there is something going on in your life that you can’t tell your partner, then the relationship is in trouble already. Talk over your choices with a trusted friend or counselor. There is more at stake here that finding relief from stress. You may be making a choice that will change your life forever. Most people who cheated on their spouses say, afterwards, that they wish they could take it back. Choose wisely.

 

MSca child plant MH900430999It is not a surprise that we have heard much stirring in the last several years about the importance of empathy and its role in everything from attachment, to neural development, to world positivity. There is an empathy shortage in the world, and we are seeing the far-reaching effects. Bullying. Violence. Insensitivity. Selfishness. In practice, we often see the damage done with children who are traumatized because of early life experiences characterized by a lack of empathy. Abuse, neglect, emotional bankruptcy, painful attachments and a violation of trust all contribute to a child’s ability or disruption in naturally cultivating this inherent trait.

As play therapists, we are placed in a critical position to help do something about this. But how do we teach empathy to traumatized children? Because of the unique link between trust and empathy, how do we help them develop a sense of empathy for others without worry that trust will be broken? Aside from the basic child-centered approach that demands an empathic approach from the therapist, we can further this in tangible ways to make it come alive.

First, remember the important points about emotional intelligence, moral development, and capacity for empathy:

Beyond that,  I call my approach “Kindfull” Play, and it looks something like this:

Modeling – It sounds basic, but remember that not only are we as therapists modeling empathy toward the child, but also toward the world in general. Seize opportunities to show kindness – from the stray bug that wanders into the room, to the dolls they are playing with, to a character in a sandtray. Point out feelings and ask children to recognize them in others. You are demonstrating that others can be trusted.

Sensory words and Practices – Remember that empathy is not only a thought or feeling alone; it is an Experience. It is the ability to not only think, but feel kindness, compassion, and concern for another’s situation or being. With that in mind, help the child FEEL this by using sensory words and language to engage that part of their brains. Use poetry and storytelling to enhance this play. Favorite tip:  Present your client with a list of feeling words and ask them to create a poem or write a story based on the words. For older children/teens, ask them to pick a song that instills an empathic feeling. Review the lyrics together and how they are affected by it.

Dolls, Puppets and Faces! – Empathy can be demonstrated most easily through facial expressions. Play facial expression games, faces flash cards, and ask them to create a show for others to guess Feeling Faces. Favorite tip:  Face Focus x 3 – Ask a child to choose a feeling, draw the face of the feeling, and list three possible reasons the face feels that way. Then ask them to list three ways to helpfully respond with kindness and compassion.

Bibliotherapy – Stock your playroom with terrific books on empathy and caring. Use these frequently and strengthen this activity by then engaging your client in creative crafts related to each story. Favorite tip:  Add the titles ‘Understand and Care,’ and ‘Don’t Laugh At Me’ to your collections. Also, see http://booksthathealkids.blogspot.com/ for one of the most comprehensive bibliotherapy resources available for working with children.

Nature Niceness – Bring nature play into your sessions, as it is a resource rich in opportunities for practicing kindness. Introduce them to every form of life and teach respect for it. Engage their senses on an instinctual level with kind words. Let them marvel over a blade of grass, and delight in the ant walking busily over the dirt. Touch the tree bark and notice how hard, rough, or smooth it is. Do not pick flowers, but let the growing petals brush over their skin. How soft is it? What does it smell like?  Favorite tip:  One of my favorite activities is to go on a nature walk with a child and find a special rock. Create a pet rock and design a Care List outlining what the rock needs and how it will feel if it doesn’t receive this.

Caregiver Compassion – Incorporate caregivers as empathy teachers! This is a critical point in order to help empathy grow outside of your sessions. Here, you will want to incorporate elements of filial play within your sessions and also teach parents how to continue this at home so that empathy forms where it will be most important – with their caregivers. Teach parents how to be emotionally in tune by practicing the same kinds of empathy building play you do in your sessions. Favorite tip: Have them plant a seed of any sort together, and nurture it to life. Keep a diary of how the plant feels when it receives water, when its leaves unfurl, or when sunshine warms the soil.

Share Your Self – End every session with your experience and expression of empathy toward what they have completed and accomplished. Favorite tip:  Also ask them to summarize and share, choosing one way they will apply this until the next time they see you.

My experience has taught me that there is a clear link between empathy, resilience,  and post traumatic growth. Higher levels of empathy for self and others appear to strengthen a child’s ability to heal and find trust in the world again. When we cultivate empathy in the play therapy room, not only is a child then more able to experience empathy for others, but he can experience it for himself and translate it into self-compassion and gentleness. Because empathy itself is an experience, play and play therapy are the perfect places to integrate this important healing step. In so doing, we will help set their personal stages for a lifetime of resilience, aid in moral development and values clarification, and strengthen the cycle of kindness for generations ahead. Wishing you Kindness in all things!

Related Articles:
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The Spirit of a Play Therapist
Moving Out From the Shadow of Trauma

If hope is the thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson said, then trust floats on gossamer wings.

Most people lose that child-like trust with the end of a first love, but not all. I have known a handful of souls who maintained it until death, or appeared to, but it’s certainly not the norm. Life intrudes on the fantasy that someone will be an all-loving, supportive parent. Paradoxically, if you had toxic parents, it’s even harder to relinquish this desire as yearning for a kinder, gentler life becomes a mission to get what you missed as a child.

Whether trust is broken by an affair, an addiction, or the gradual departure of someone’s heartfelt interest, it requires a radical shift in your world view. Emotionally adjusting to that cognitive terra incognita takes time and energy, but is worth it as it builds maturity and a commitment to being responsible for yourself.

At the end of the day, if you truly trusted someone and found out he or she was unworthy of that level of faith, you may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and feel wary of everyone. That’s OK. It’s temporary. When you have been badly burned it’s natural to fear fire. Eventually, you will allow people into your heart again. You may never trust anyone else 100%. That’s fine,  because the real task is learning to trust yourself. Before we explore ways to build self trust, let’s look at what trust entails.

Trust may mean your parent, child, mate, friend, business partner will:

Everyone has their own notion of what trust feels like. On some level, trust is having faith in someone else’s ability to truly know and support you. This may mean nurturing, protecting, listening, contributing financially, knowing what you are thinking without you having to say it, anticipating your desires, etc. As you can see, it’s a tall order. The most realistic approach is to hope someone who loves you will do their best, most of the time, to act for your highest good. It doesn’t hurt to remember that everyone is after their own happiness, and they will usually put that before yours. So, if the relationship is reciprocal and they feel they are getting most of what they want, they will make a bigger effort to please you. If not, they will have less incentive.

There are two important things to remember about trust:

1. Your decision to trust someone is a gift to you, not to them. You do it for peace of mind.
2. If they betray you, it is a reflection of who they are, and says nothing about you.

If you have been betrayed and your trust was breached, it may be a good idea to use the above concepts as mantras until they become automatic. When something bad happens, it is all too easy to let feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and grief distort your perception. Thinking more clearly will change your feelings from anger, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, depression, and anxiety to acceptance, optimism, sadness, and concern, all of which will help you adjust to a new reality.

Trusting yourself is much harder than handing yourself over to someone else. After all, you came into the world as a helpless infant who needed adult care and attention, so on some very deep level, it’s tempting to want to feel fully nurtured by someone. Since everyone has some abandonment issues, this desire is heightened by the fear that those we love the most will eventually leave. The good news is until you drop the body, as they say in India, you can always count on yourself. It may take a lot of practice to prove to yourself you are truly capable of healthy self-care, but you are. Keep at it and the emotional rewards will accrue, until, one day, you will automatically guide yourself towards self-loving thoughts and behaviors.

How can you build inner security and self-trust?

Practice supportive self-talk by saying loving things to yourself. Even if you are lucky enough to have friends, family, or a therapist who repeatedly tells you calming, helpful things, there is something deeply soothing about being able to hear those words in your head, and comfort yourself with them anytime—knowing you really mean them. Either way, the more you hear them, the more quickly they will become second nature, eventually eclipsing the cacophony of internal self-downing you may have been immersed in for as long as you can remember.

Everything, no matter how awful it might feel in the moment, is for your highest good and personal evolution. When you are struggling, miserable, grief-stricken, and saturated with anxiety, it seems almost impossible to remember this deep truth. Even if you don’t believe it, just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will see the way life constantly shifts and changes. It’s just like a seesaw, only now, you know you are the fulcrum.

1 out of 2 people in the U.S. has a chronic illness and in 96% of these cases, the chronic illness is invisible. This means the illness is not readily apparent to others because the person doesn’t use an assistive device like a cane or a wheelchair. Most people with an invisible illness can tell you story after story of family members, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc. who don’t actually believe they’re ill. They’ve been given snide looks when exiting their car after parking in a handicapped spot. They’ve been told by their friends that they look too good to be sick. They’ve been questioned by bosses as to why they miss so many days of work when even a doctor can’t determine an appropriate diagnosis.

These scenarios are all too common and happen to millions of people every day. Most of us are able to shrug it off and move on in spite of anger, frustration and hurt. But what happens when the person who promised to love you in sickness and in health doesn’t believe you’re actually sick? (more…)

Woman holding many objects representing different jobsHow does growing up in a dysfunctional family affect us as adults? For adult children of addicts, the behaviors and beliefs that enabled us to survive as children can cause us a myriad of problems in adulthood. These patterns are so ingrained and automatic that we do them without even realizing it, and changing any of them can provoke anxiety and fear. They seem like a lifeline, but in adulthood, they become an albatross around our necks.

The degree to which we are affected depends on the level of dysfunction in the addicted parent and the other parent’s ability or inability to protect us. Some people who are addicted to substances are better parents than others. Some addicts may be able to function as a parent some of the time, and even when drinking may try to show an interest in their children. Others may be gone most of the time and be mean or even violent when they are home. A minority of non-addicted parents may seek help and be honest with us about what is happening in our home. They may be mature enough to put their own feelings aside to do what is best for us. Other parents may deny what is happening and try to put us in an adult role, which adds to our harm.

Consequences as Adults
The majority of adults from dysfunctional families find it difficult or impossible to trust people, especially in close relationships. Since they were often emotionally abandoned by one or both parents, they are terrified of being abandoned as adults. Loving someone makes them feel vulnerable, which is very frightening. To avoid this fear and anxiety, they often keep their feelings inside and don’t share who they really are with their partner.

If there is a problem or conflict they don’t talk about it—why would they? They have never seen two mature adults fight fair, so they don’t believe that it is possible. If they make it to therapy, it’s usually because they’re dragged in by their partner. Due to their fear of abandonment, they question their partner constantly about fidelity, even when they have no reason to. This often drives the partner away.

Most adult children of addicts have very lopsided relationships. People with codependency feel responsible for everyone who needs help and tend to attract friends and lovers who under-function. They are totally focused on everyone’s needs but their own, which keeps them from knowing themselves and what they need and want. Self-care is a foreign language. They work very hard and then feel hurt, resentful, and used.

People with codependency constantly question their own judgment. Some may check frequently with others. In therapy, they tend to ask me often if certain behaviors are normal. This lack of confidence in their judgment comes from the hideous scenes that happened in their family: where a parent was drunk, had a manic episode, or some similar incident, and the next day the family behaved as though it never happened.

People with codependency can struggle with self-esteem and feel chronically inadequate. They set impossible goals for themselves and then refuse help, which they see as weak or shameful. They often feel overwhelmed but keep it a secret so that nobody knows they’re suffering until they burst at the seams. Often, this is the crisis that first gets them to a therapist. They may be trying to juggle a ridiculously impossible schedule: they may work full time, go to school full time, have several children, and a dysfunctional partner to take care of. Often, they don’t realize how hectic their own life is, because they never think about it. They are too preoccupied with other people’s lives.

Important Notice

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