“Gaslighting” has become a buzzword in popular culture, sometimes used to describe any disagreement or lie. But clinically, gaslighting in relationships points to something more specific: a pattern of manipulation aimed at getting someone to doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. And in intimate partnerships, that pattern can quietly reshape a person’s reality from the inside out.
What gaslighting in relationships looks like
The word gets used loosely. Understanding what gaslighting actually is, and what it isn’t, is the first step to recognizing it in your own relationship.
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Gaslighting is NOT Ordinary relational frictionA partner remembering an argument differently A clumsy apology A one-off lie someone later owns |
Gaslighting IS A repeated pattern of manipulationRepeatedly denying what the other person saw, felt, or experienced Rewriting events and shifting blame until they doubt their own memory Using ridicule, false certainty, or character attacks to erode their confidence |
Clinical definition
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as manipulating someone into doubting their perceptions or experiences. An important nuance: it is typically about power and control in the interaction, not just “being wrong.” Sociologist Paige L. Sweet argues in the American Sociological Review that gaslighting often exploits vulnerabilities and unequal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships, making it more than a one-off misunderstanding.
The “Gaslight Effect”: how the dynamic deepens over time
Dr. Robin Stern, credited with popularizing the term in wider public discourse, emphasizes that gaslighting escalates gradually, eroding confidence until the targeted partner is second-guessing their reality. She calls this the “Gaslight Tango”: a dance where one partner slowly gains the power to define what’s real and what’s not. She describes three stages:
| 01 |
Disbelief“That was weird; he said I did that. Did that really happen?” |
| 02 |
DefenseYou start explaining yourself constantly, gathering proof, trying to be understood. |
| 03 |
DepressionYou feel defeated, confused, small, and unsure of yourself. |
People don’t stay in such a relationship just because they’re “weak.” They often stay because the relationship also contains love, history, dependence, fear, or hope, and because the manipulation is subtle at first. What makes gaslighting especially insidious is that the gaslighter often uses kernels of truth to anchor a larger, unfair argument. Their attack contains just enough truth to make the other person pause; over time, that pause becomes corrosive self-doubt.
Gaslighting might sound like…
Denial
“What are you talking about? I never said that. You’re being crazy!” This is outright denial paired with a character attack. The first half rewrites the event; the second half puts you on the defensive about your own sanity.
Minimization
“You’re too sensitive. That never happened!” This combines reality denial with an accusation designed to make you question whether your emotional response is legitimate at all.
Deflection
“Why are you making such a big deal? You always do this. I’m tired of it!” This shifts the conversation away from the actual issue by labeling a recurring “flaw” in you. Even a kernel of truth gets used to dismiss a valid concern.
What gaslighting does to the targeted partner
Over time, people experiencing gaslighting in relationships report a cluster of deeply damaging effects:
Chronic self-doubt“Maybe I am the problem.” The ability to trust your own perceptions slowly erodes. |
Difficulty making decisionsEven small choices feel paralyzing when you’ve been told your judgment can’t be trusted. |
Anxiety, shame, and numbnessA steady loss of confidence that shows up in the body as well as the mind. Many people in gaslighting relationships describe persistent anxiety that lingers long after any specific argument. |
Social withdrawalExplaining feels exhausting, or you fear being judged, so you stop reaching out. |
What to do if you think you’re being gaslit
Strategy 01 · Find your flight attendants
Dr. Stern offers a powerful analogy: being gaslit is like being on a plane in turbulence. You can feel the shaking and rattling, but you aren’t sure whether it’s cause for concern or just turbulence. A good way to gauge the situation is to look to the flight attendants. If they seem calm and collected, chances are it’s just turbulence. If they seem concerned or frantic, there’s a problem.
Look to the people in your life whom you trust to have your best interests at heart , friends, family, pastor, mentor, or a therapist, and check in with them regularly for a sanity check. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Protect your sense of reality and sense of self.
Strategy 02 · Resist the urge to merge
Another key concept of Dr. Stern’s is resisting the “urge to merge”: the need to win the approval of the gaslighter by convincing them that you are not crazy, incompetent, inconsiderate, stubborn, or whatever else they might be accusing you of being. By letting go of the need to be validated by them, you “opt out” of the gaslight tango.
Trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is a supremely futile endeavor. You’re not arguing with someone interested in understanding differences and taking accountability when due. You’re arguing with someone desperately trying to maintain control of the situation. Facts be damned.
When conventional wisdom can hurt
Conventional wisdom on relationships emphasizes the importance of talking through issues and getting to a point of mutual understanding. But in the context of gaslighting in relationships, that notion can actually cause more harm than good.
Standard relationship advice makes a few assumptions that gaslighting breaks entirely:
Why this matters
Gaslighting breaks every one of these assumptions. When one partner is actively distorting reality and is not interested in a fair resolution, opting out of the discussion may be the healthiest and most self-protective choice available.
How therapy must adapt
Therapy can be genuinely helpful, but only when the therapist understands how gaslighting in relationships actually works and adapts their approach accordingly. In my practice, I see three main clinical scenarios:
Individual therapy with the person being gaslitThe therapist acts as a “flight attendant,” helping the client feel grounded in reality and protect their sense of self. This is often the most immediately stabilizing form of support, and one of the two most common scenarios I see. |
Couples therapyThe therapist can attempt to increase accountability in the gaslighter by pointing out incongruences in a neutral, non-judgmental way. The key word is “attempt”: this works only in milder cases where the gaslighter still has some genuine willingness to work on the relationship. It also relies heavily on the therapist’s ability to establish trust and rapport with both partners, such that even the gaslighter is willing to consider the therapist’s input. |
Individual therapy with the gaslighterThe most difficult scenario. The therapist is working only with the gaslighter and very likely lacks the larger context of their relationships. Most gaslighters don’t come into therapy saying, “I gaslight my partner; I need help.” Without witnessing the dynamic firsthand, the therapist may not recognize the pattern at all. |
Progress is measured differently
In a standard couples case, “progress” might look like fewer fights and better communication. With gaslighting in relationships, the benchmarks must shift entirely.
A final grounding point
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m constantly defending my reality,” you’re not alone. Gaslighting works precisely because it attacks the part of you that usually keeps you steady: your ability to trust yourself. Understand that you are in the midst of a difficult dynamic, but it is possible to break free of it and find your way back to yourself.
Frequently asked questions
You don’t have to sort this out alone.
Find a licensed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics and can help you regain your footing.
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About the Author Tomoko Iimura, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Tomoko Iimura specializes in couples therapy, trauma, and relationship conflict. She uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with advanced training in affair and trauma recovery. Tomoko brings a uniquely global perspective to her work, shaped by years living as an expat across multiple countries. She completed her clinical internship at the Rape Crisis Center in San Antonio and holds graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University (MS, Marriage and Family Therapy), Columbia University (MA, International Affairs and Public Policy), and Middlebury College (BA). Visit profile here. |
A compassionate look at the beliefs, patterns, and hopes that can make an unhealthy relationship difficult to leave.
Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It's not because we're addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly.
Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship.
Research from the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey shows that about 41% of women and 26% of men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported a related impact. Understanding why people stay in unhealthy relationships is crucial for both those experiencing them and their support systems.
The Impact of Our Beliefs
We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable.
New Information and How We Deal with It
When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. According to cognitive dissonance theory (Festinger, 1957), in emotionally charged cognitive dissonance scenarios, individuals high in love addiction may first choose to doubt themselves and further increase their commitment and accept an unequal romantic contract to maintain the romantic relationship. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options:
- Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”)
- Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”)
- Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”)
- Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”)
Research shows that cognitive dissonance does play a role in relationship outcomes, and that internal and external dissonance affects interpersonal interaction. It points to the necessity of interventions focusing on self-consciousness, emotional control, and verbal communication to counteract the damaging effects of cognitive dissonance in relationships.
Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship.
On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship
Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person.
Research on trauma bonding reveals that when there is a threat individuals turn to their attachment figure, but if the attachment figure provides a source of trauma, one might rationalize or experience a form of cognitive dissonance. Studies on women, comparing those who experienced IPV to those who did not, revealed higher levels of insecure attachment bonds to mothers and romantic partners among IPV victims.
It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Intermittent reinforcement is a schedule of reinforcement that provides the reinforcement on a variable schedule. It is highly effective at changing and maintaining behaviors and resistant to extinction. But the variable schedule of reinforcement shows the partner periods of good times and sometimes even excessive love and apologies, pulling the victim back into the relationship hoping that the good parts will continue.
Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship can relate to the confusion that is often felt by staying on in the relationship. And it can be extremely tiring. It’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. There are moments where the relationship feels like what it used to be, the reason you chose them. And that can keep hope going. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well.
From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
How to Talk to Yourself
As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action.
How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change
So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop.
How to Evaluate Your Situation
I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.
Values clarification therapy aims to reduce emotional distress and increase positive behaviors through reinforcement. It helps those in therapy to identify and clarify the values that influence their decisions and behavior and encourages them to build on their inner resources and strengths. Someone who has explored their personal values in therapy is often better able to identify what will enable them to effectively function in life and thus may be able to make more self-directed choices.
> Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.
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Find a therapistReferences
- Carone, N., Muzi, L., Benzi, I. M. A., Cacioppo, M., Parolin, L. A. L., Santona, A. M. R., et al. (2024). The influence of childhood emotional abuse and neglect on love addiction: the indirect effect of vulnerable narcissism among female and male emerging adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 11:542925.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). About Intimate Partner Violence. Intimate Partner Violence Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
- Dutton, D. G., & White, K. R. (2012). Attachment insecurity and intimate partner violence. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17(5), 475-481.
- Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
- Gill, M., & Meenakshi. (2024). The role of cognitive dissonance in shaping relationship dynamics between adolescents and adults. Journal of Neonatal Surgery, 13(4), 1-12.
- Howard, A. (2019). How intermittent reinforcement keeps partners addicted to abusive relationships. ABC Behavior Therapy, April 10, 2024.
- Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C. (2022). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
- Ponti, L., & Tani, F. (2019). Attachment styles and intimate partner violence: A systematic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 22(1), 90-107.
I post countless memes on my business page about letting toxic people go, setting boundaries with difficult people, and having a balance between attending to your relationships while also meeting your own needs. But what if you have qualities that are toxic? What if you are the person others need to set boundaries with? What if your impact on people is actually damaging, despite your good intentions?
We have all likely engaged in some of these behaviors from time to time, but if it feels like you do these a lot, it’s time to embrace a little self-awareness and consider finding a skilled therapist to help get to the root of some of these behaviors. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Do you use shaming language?
If the word “should†appears often in your vocabulary, you might want to reconsider this. “You know what you should do…†is a sentence starter often riddled with shame and the idea that “you know better.†It is pejorative and creates a power dynamic that causes others to pull back and not trust you. Calling people names and trying to put them down or make them feel bad is also shaming. Even if your intention is to motivate people, this can be ineffective and paralyzing.
If you are a parent, and you use language like “bad boy,†“naughty girl,†or “wild child,†I want to gently encourage you to consider separating actions from personality characteristics and self-worth. Saying things like “That was a poor choice†or “I love you, I do not like that behavior†can help children (and adults for that matter) develop a sense that they can make a mistake and learn from it, rather than feeling they have to be perfect in order to get your love.
2. Do you tend to blame others for your problems?
If nothing is ever your fault, or you have difficulty taking responsibility or apologizing when you make a mistake, this may be something to reconsider or get support around. If there is a conflict, at least two parties usually play a role, and it is important that we practice taking accountability. Only apologizing is not always enough; make a plan to try to make it right and do something different in the future.
We may also have to accept the consequences of our actions if we broke someone’s trust. If we always blame others or the outside world for our problems, it prevents us from learning from our mistakes or stepping into an empowered position to make positive changes in our lives.
3. Do you try to “one-up†people who come to you with a struggle or good news?
If your friend, child, or family member comes to you with a problem, do you say something like, “Oh, you think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me,†or “You’re not the only one with problems, you know,†or “Do you know how hard things are for me?†This is not creating trust and safety within your relationships, and people will soon learn that they cannot come to you with their struggle.
Similarly, if someone comes to you with a victory, and you turn the conversation to bragging about one of your (or your children’s) accomplishments, this is also not nourishing to the relationship. Jealousy eats us from the inside out. Perhaps turning that jealousy into inspiration for what you would like to accomplish might be a place to start.
4. Do you tend to take more than you give?
Do things have to be “your way or the highway?†Relationships are about reciprocity. The goal is to give and to receive love freely. If you tend to be the taker of favors, emotional energy, talking time, or even physical space, think about the impact of that. The people in your life are eventually going to feel like they are being taken advantage of and distance themselves from you.
If we always blame others or the outside world for our problems, it prevents us from learning from our mistakes or stepping into an empowered position to make positive changes in our lives.
Another side of this coin is that you give too much, but then resent people or hold favors over their head. Perhaps you say you are going to give something to someone but then use it against them when you are angry with them. This is not trust-building behavior and only serves to put you in a position of power, rather than in a position of love.
5. Do you say you don’t like drama, but your life is full of it?
Have you ever seen a store called something like “Elegant Clothes†or “Really Good Food,†and they are anything but? This can be the same with declarations of not wanting drama. Rehashing the same argument over and over again is a toxic form of drama.
Ignoring someone when you are mad at them can be a form of drama as well. Are you overly moody or irritable, perhaps making things worse than they really are? This can be a way of trying to compensate for your own insecurities or feelings of shame or not being good enough. Finding a good therapist can help you get to the root of the real pain and help you process it.
6. Do you gossip?
Part of creating drama is also talking about people behind their backs or telling other people’s vulnerable stories. Gossiping makes us feel like we are fitting in or better than other people, but ultimately leaves us feeling worse. I once saw a meme that said, “Pay attention to how your friends talk about others to you because that is exactly how they talk about you to others.â€
If you are the one doing the gossiping, it won’t take long before people begin to question whether you talk about them that way as well, and again, damaged relationships may be the result.
7. Do you fish for attention on social media?
Do you seek attention, air dirty laundry, or post vague statements trying to get validation on your facebook page? An example might be “Can’t believe people suck so badly. The hits just keep coming. #heartbroken.†Or “That moment when you just know it’s going to be an awful day.â€
People don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, and it’s a call for people to ask you what is going on or give you some general sympathy. It’s better to reach out to a friend or a therapist, figure out where the pain is, and deal with it head-on.
8. Do you complain a lot?
We all have hard days, but if you tend to focus on the negative or complain excessively, this also might have a negative impact on people. Do you only see the worst part of the story? Or is “Yeah, but…†a common answer for you? Do you feel like you nourish people, or do you suck their energy?
9. Do you dominate the conversation?
It may be that you are trying to manage your own anxieties or trying to please or entertain others by being overly verbose. Perhaps you have a difficult time listening to others, or maybe you are thinking about what you will say while they are talking. If you think what you have to say is more interesting or important, or if you interrupt a lot, this might also be a way of managing insecurities. Inappropriate gender-based or racial jokes are other ways of taking up space in a toxic way.
10. Are your friends disappearing?
Perhaps you learned the only way to get your needs met was to trick or manipulate people. Perhaps you do not treat people kindly or with respect. Do you demean others, call them names, or put them down? Perhaps you make overly judgmental statements, threats, or passive-aggressive remarks. Perhaps you engage often in one of the other behaviors listed above. If you find that many of your relationships have ended in tumultuous cut-off, there may be a wound that needs healing.
Many of these behaviors can be traced back to trauma or attachment injuries. These causes do not excuse the behavior, but finding the root issue may help inform healing.
We tend to become overpowering and toxic because we were once overpowered and mistreated. A skilled therapist will be able to help you find the injury and make changes in these behaviors. Keep in mind that even if you have been victimized, these behaviors are those of emotional perpetrators. Some of your past might not be your fault, but you are now the only person who can walk the path of healing. Even just having awareness of areas you can improve may be a starting point for change. Here’s to healing and having healthy and thriving relationships.
“I spent so many years walking on eggshells … never doing or saying the right thing. One day I decided I’d had enough and stomped all over them. Those broken eggshells cut me deeply as I walked away … but this … was the most beautiful pain I had ever felt.†—S. L. Heaton
In my marriage counseling practice, I find that many people in intimate relationships walk on eggshells. Extremely cautious about their words and actions, they may be fearful of being “wrong†or upsetting their partners. Often, they are concerned they will be seen as incompetent, inadequate, unattractive, or as having another negative trait that could cause them to feel unwanted of be rejected.
When you receive the judgment, criticism, or anger of another, the impact may be felt in two ways. The initial assault takes the form of words or actions; the second impact has a cumulative effect. It occurs when a memory of anger or disapproval is stored, emotionally and physically, in your mind. This second impact can cause far more damage in the long run, leading to a loss self-confidence and identity. It’s similar to secondhand smoke—you may not be aware of its effects until it reaches a certain level of accumulation. [fat_widget_right]
If you frequently find yourself the recipient of someone else’s anger or feel you are walking on eggshells, the long-term effects can be just as detrimental. It’s wise to limit such exposure and protect yourself from this residual anger as best you can.
The Effects of Secondhand Anger
Unchecked anger can lead to resentment and dramatically impact your well-being and self-worth. Resentment exceeds momentary episodes of anger that come and go and extends into the past. In advanced stages, it even bleeds into the future and keeps you stuck in a devalued state. You may constantly feel you’re being unappreciated, disrespected, and treated unfairly.
When living with an angry or abusive partner, it is not only the nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism, or other demeaning behavior that can cause emotional damage. Attempts to prevent and de-escalate those often painful episodes can also harm one’s emotional well-being. By constantly trying to keep the peace or maintain the impression of a pleasant connection, people often become tethered to a person who controls them through emotions and impulsive needs.
Signs You Are Walking on Eggshells
The daily lives of many are defined by their partner’s moods. This can be an exhausting and draining existence, but it is possible to change. The first step in this change is to identify whether you are in this situation.
Here are few signs you are walking on eggshells. You might:
- Be afraid of upsetting your partner
- Feel ignored, criticized, confused, invalidated, or “stuck”
- Second-guess yourself
- Feel your partner does not trust you
- Correct your thoughts before you speak
- Be unsure about what might set your partner off
- See your relationship as a roller coaster of unpredictable emotions
- Feel tense when with your partner
- Feel that nothing you do is good enough
- Fear a punishing response from your partner
- Resent your partner
- Feel as if you have lost your core identity
- Have less self-esteem and confidence
Walking on eggshells over an extended period of time can cause you to lose your authenticity and sense of self. You may internalize your partner’s blame, criticism, anger, and even abusive behaviors, or you may absorb them and become resentful and aggressive yourself. Neither of these cases are conducive to a healthy state of mind.
When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you.
When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you. If you realize you are responsible for how you feel, you may be able to respond calmly and confidently when someone attempts to put you down. No matter how strong the trigger or challenge might be, you can become less receptive to someone else’s insensitivity or unkindness.
Developing the resilience to stand up to someone who is provoking or ridiculing you can lessen their impact and power over you. You may no longer need to depend upon them for validation and feel fewer urges to lash out angrily. Instead, you will be able to keep your cool and maintain your power. Your new sense of self may become virtually indestructible.
If you feel you are walking on eggshells in your relationships with others, contact a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help.