Remember when you were first dating your partner and the sex was hot, heavy, and frequent? As time passed and you and your partner slowly built a life together, the initial passion might have lost some of its luster or faded altogether.

As with heterosexual couples, LGBT couples often find the responsibilities of life take over as work stress, family issues, finances, and life events begin to distract from sexual connection. In fact, it’s a subject that’s quite challenging for many gay couples to talk about.

As a therapist who works with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender couples, I assist with better communication and connection. Early in the conversation, couples typically talk about a variety of issues that are affecting their relationships, some easier to broach than others.

The topic of sex is a particularly tough one for many to bring up, let alone address.

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Although some couples find contentment and intimacy within sexless partnerships, an active, satisfying sex life can be an important part of human connection and self-care. Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Here are three tips you can use to begin the process of reconnecting to your partner sexually:

1. Start Simple

Often, couples hoping to rekindle a spark want to rush right back into sex and one or both partners end up feeling overwhelmed. So instead of trying anything, they do nothing and the frustration grows.

Building anticipation, excitement, and romantic feelings can help. Perhaps take a moment to put on some music and slow dance together, giving your bodies a chance to reintroduce themselves to each other. A little massage time is great for setting a comfortable pace for touch.

These types of activities help to create a safe bridge of connection and allow space for intimacy to develop. Once that reconnection occurs, you might find that your primal urges take over and your bodies naturally pursue the best routes to sexual release.

2. Think Creatively

Even in the most satisfying relationships, sex can become stagnant or routine at times. It’s nothing a little creative thinking can’t fix.

Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Consider developing a collection of sexual activities with your partner that either of you can draw upon to liven things up. This exercise can build up your sexual vocabulary and serve as foreplay in its own right.

Have each partner separately write down sexual activities he or she would like to bring into the relationship, with each idea going on its own piece of paper. Then go through the ideas together, with no judgment, and decide which ones you both would feel comfortable trying out.

Put all the slips of paper featuring ideas that you both are willing to experiment with into a hat, box, or other container. Whenever either of you wants to initiate sex, you can draw a piece of paper that represents your activity for the night. It can be fun and playful, and it may relieve the pressure of having to figure out the right activity for the moment.

3. Rediscover Life

One of the major reasons couples get bored in the bedroom is that they are bored in life generally. Look at the routines and traps you may have fallen into and notice how they have influenced your connection with your partner. Is Friday night always Mexican food night? Do you always watch the same television shows? Do you attend only events that you are comfortable attending, where you know what’s going to happen?

Although it’s lovely to be with someone you can create rituals with and let down your guard, if these rituals become cemented and inflexible, they can bring a malaise into the relationship that affects your sex life.

So look in your local paper or on social media for events in your community, check the LGBT guides, or see friends you have not seen in a while. Rekindling your passion for life can, in turn, ignite your passion for each other.

Applying the three tips above will help you create a blueprint to reconnect with your partner and reinvigorate your sex life. Satisfying sex with the same partner can be one of the delights of a long-term relationship, but sometimes you need to bring a little awareness into the room to keep the fire going.

Thank you for your letter. Let me start by saying this pattern is more common than many people realize. There are varying opinions on why feelings and reactions evolve this way, but there are a couple of things that may be playing into it. First, the revelation of an affair is indication that your marriage is on shaky ground, and your increased desire for sex may be one way of “staking your claim,” consciously or unconsciously, and regaining the ground you feel you have lost. You may—again, not necessarily consciously—desire increased intimacy with your husband because you are afraid to lose him.

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Second, there are many people who, for various reasons, associate love with extreme emotions. When those individuals get into relationships that are relatively “easy” and “normal,” they can and sometimes do lose passion for their partners. When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—again, possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love. While maintaining passion is important for a relationship, it is also not reasonable to maintain high levels of intensity long-term. In the course of everyday life, over time, intensity may diminish and passion may wane. Part of the challenge every couple faces is how to have a strong, passionate union when life’s many demands creep in.

When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love.

During this confusing time, despite the intense feelings you’re having, you are asking yourself some valid and serious questions that deserve to be carefully examined before you make any rash decisions. While it is well within the realm of “ordinary” to have your passion reignited in a situation like yours, it is worth deeper examination to understand why you responded this way and if you want to continue this pattern. The other questions you are asking are also important to sit with; the trust in your relationship was breached, and that takes significant time and effort to repair. Are you both willing and able to do that? If you do choose to stay together and work things out, how will you deal with the dynamics at play and work to maintain passion without crisis? Another question that bears examination is if your relationship style is best suited for monogamy; it sounds like you both once enjoyed a more open or “swinging” style that inspired passionate feelings reminiscent of what you’re feeling now.

Your husband made his choices and surely had his reasons, and exploring his experience of this as well as yours in a safe, nonjudgmental, therapeutic space likely would serve him, you, your relationship, and ultimately your family. Your situation is complex, but there are many therapists who specialize in sexuality and relationship concerns. I strongly suggest you seek out a skilled therapist who can assist you in navigating your path, whatever you decide. Best wishes along the way.

Sincerely,
Lisa

One of the primary obstacles couples attempt to overcome in therapy is feeling emotionally disconnected. Life tends to get in the way, with careers, kids, home upkeep, and family activities leaving little left over for intimacy. When couples express a lack of connection, I often ask, “Can you tell me about a time when you did feel emotionally connected?” Almost inevitably, the time they describe is before they had children.

One of the most complex challenges that many couples will face is having a child. Having children emotionally revolutionizes a relationship—not just temporarily, but for a lifetime. Not only does the couple need to adjust to the transition from two to three (or more), priorities shift, roles are redefined, and there is a profound change to the level of responsibility and freedom within the relationship and in life itself.

While most couples adjust accordingly, many find that their level of intimacy starts to wane. I am not referring to sexual intimacy per se; I’m referring to emotional intimacy, which of course includes sexual intimacy. Couples who become parents may begin to feel estranged and disconnected.

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Reclaiming emotional intimacy after the birth of a child is not always easy. Many people in our culture feel overwhelmed and are overworked. What is it that allows the need for the dishes to be done to take priority over emotional intimacy? The answer may lie in the pursuit of “having it all.” We want to perfect parents, to give our children everything, and for our marriages to be happy, sexually exciting, fulfilled, and emotionally intimate.

For couples to become reconnected emotionally, they need to free themselves from the disproportionate focus on the child. They must accept that they need to schedule time alone for themselves, be it in the form of a date night or getting away every so often for a weekend. While some couples resist the idea of scheduling their time together as opposed to being spontaneous, as they probably once were, it’s a fact that once a couple become parents, they need to be more practical in order to sustain the level of emotional intimacy and connection that keeps a marriage healthy. Sometimes couples need to become industrious, intentional, and creative in their attempts to rekindle the intimacy and passion they once had.

Couples need to recognize how important the component of friendship is to their relationship. We treat our friends with kindness, consideration, and empathy. In order to sustain a happy marriage, couples must not forget the significance of being friends with each other. Unfortunately, couples sometimes treat strangers with more consideration than they treat each other; they take each other for granted.

It’s also worth noting that the small things are significant in sustaining emotional intimacy and connection—things such as a post-it note that says, “I love you,” or sending a text that says, “I’m thinking about you.” Also, I recommend that couples take a small amount of time, even five minutes if that is all they can muster, to be COMPLETELY PRESENT for each other. No technology! They must have eye contact and be genuine in wanting to know how the other is doing. Integrating these small things on a daily basis can help maintain or even boost emotional intimacy and connection. And, of course, it will benefit their sex life as well.

Whether you read, saw, loved, or hated Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s no denying that its release started a larger conversation about BDSM in popular culture. It’s important for us to acknowledge that—even if we’re embarrassed by it; even if we think it’s better left a dark, sexy mystery—because according to the research, anywhere between 2% and 62% of the population is interested in BDSM (Sagarin, 2015).

BDSM is my favorite acronym because it’s so multifaceted: its letter pairings stand for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It could be said that the underlying element across all these terminologies is power, and in fact, some kinksters call what they’re doing “power play.”

Any time we’re playing with power, however, we need to be aware of the potential misuse or abuse of that power. Fortunately, many in the adult BDSM community employ an ethics mantra to help those new to the scene, or even more seasoned practitioners, feel comfortable testing limits. Their guiding principles are “safe, sane, and consensual.”

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What do we mean when we’re talking about safety, sanity, and consent? This guide will define those concepts and give examples of responsible power play between adult partners. While it’s not necessary to label them as such, I may reference two types of play partner throughout this article: “Doms,” or dominant partners, and “subs,” or submissive partners. Play partners who occupy either or both roles are known as “switches.”

1. Safety

Some people who enjoy kink aren’t into gadgetry or fancy equipment, but others are. Some obvious equipment with the potential for damage are sensory deprivation masks, urethral sounds, genital clamps, and suspension devices, but even simpler tools such as rope, belts, or paddles could leave lasting damage or even prove fatal if play partners aren’t adequately prepared. Study up—not just on use of your equipment, but on basic human anatomy, too. Some parts of the body, like on the back near the kidneys, are riskier places to be struck. Consider the risk of losing circulation if you’re playing with rope or handcuffs, and have a backup plan for freeing your partner if you’re tying up or cuffing him or her. Make sure your partner can breathe if you’re using a ball gag or mask. Practice whipping pillows before using human partners; practice tying basic knots before attempting more intricate bondage. Minimize burn risks if you’re playing with hot wax.

These might sound like a lot of rules, but if your partner trusts you with his or her body, you need to be able to trust yourself, too. Emotional safety is as important as physical safety when it comes to sex and power play, which brings us to the second item of the BDSM ethics code.

2. Sanity

Whether I’m doing trauma work with people in individual therapy or facilitating classroom discussions about healthy relationships, I want to make sure that I’m maintaining an atmosphere of emotional safety. The rationale and context may be different, but the concept of emotional safety is absolutely critical for responsible BDSM exploration. Emotional safety exists in environments where you’re sharing only what feels safe and will be respected. In BDSM practice, this requires considerable introspection on the part of both dominant and submissive partners. Ask yourself: are the activities we’re engaging in going to open emotional wounds, and do I trust my partner to take care of me in a state of vulnerability? Do I have a handle on my sadism, and am I capable of balancing it with loving kindness? Am I doing this because I enjoy it, or out of a sense of guilt or obligation? Check in with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to set limits based on what feels emotionally safe for you. Play only with partners with whom you know your limits will be respected. Do not equate genuine cruelty with kink.

If establishing limits ahead of time is tricky because you don’t know what your limits are, another way to ensure sanity and safety is to agree on a “safeword” for moments when things no longer feel safe or OK. In many cases, this word is never used, but there’s no shame in having one handy. The use of a safeword connects to the third and final descriptor in the BDSM ethics code.

Check in with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to set limits based on what feels emotionally safe for you. Play only with partners with whom you know your limits will be respected. Do not equate genuine cruelty with kink.

3. Consent

Most forms of BDSM involve the creative surrender or takeover of control; however, this works harmoniously only between two or more consenting partners. Establishing consent may seem murky when people are playing out fantasies that involve force or domination, but there are many ways to ensure your partner is enjoying his or her experience. Agreeing on a safeword is important, as is respect between partners.

The idea of respect may seem confusing or even comical if humiliation or shame is integral to your fantasy. Rather than focusing on respectful words or behaviors, we can think of respect as an overall commitment to mutual safety and pleasure. Submissive partners are responsible for communicating their own limits, and Dom(me)s should be committed to the quality of their subs’ experiences. Look at your partner’s face; look at his or her body language. Notice any tension that exists for you alone or between you and your partner. Trust your gut.

Ethical Sex and Kink

I was surprised that I enjoyed much of the Fifty Shades movie, despite being a die-hard feminist and despite critiques I had read about the book it’s based on. The lead submissive character was empowered—I enjoyed her business meeting-style negotiations about what conditions she would and would not tolerate, and I often found the Dom/sub banter witty and endearing. There are definitely conversations to be had about their struggle for power, but it’s hard to arrive at any agreement about power, inside or outside the bedroom. The questions I used to critique the film’s responsible portrayal of BDSM include: “Were the sex acts safe? Were they sane? Were they consensual?”

It’s worth asking those questions about your own sex acts, whether you’re exploring kink with a new partner or you’ve been practicing BDSM for many years. With proper introspection comes the responsible use of power. Even when perceived danger is part of the sex appeal, it’s important not to blur the line between fantasy and reality. I hope these guidelines can aid you in your quest for ethical fun and pleasure!

References:

1. The Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS). https://carasresearch.org/
2. Copulsky, D. (2015). Consent and safety basics for kink & BDSM [comic]. Sex Positive Education. Retrieved from http://www.sexedplus.com/consent-safety-basics-for-kink-bdsm/
3. Sagarin, B. (2015). The surprising psychology of BDSM. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-wide-wide-world-psychology/201502/the-surprising-psychology-bdsm

I recently spoke with a young colleague who had just completed training to become a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT). She was astonished to hear my stories of what I jokingly refer to as the golden age of phone sex, which I’d say lasted from the mid-seventies, when I worked on a suicide prevention hotline, until about 1998, when the Internet was starting to really take flight.

You may be wondering why the suicide hotline I worked for bears mentioning. There were often callers to the hotline, usually male, who upon hearing a female ask, “How can I help you?” would begin to speak breathlessly about a “huge problem” they had. Our London-born supervisor referred derisively to these fellows as “wankers” and taught us ways to extricate ourselves from, ahem, conversations with them.

By the early eighties, I had ceased taking hotline calls and started practicing as a licensed therapist in my office in West Hollywood, California. Some of the people I helped had issues with obsessive phone sex. Some, again usually male, would spend hours or even days languishing at home or work paying to talk and talk and talk about sex, usually culminating in—you guessed it—masturbation. Neither party, of course, could see the other, so imagination was in full play.

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Frantic wives would call me after they clapped eyes on preposterous phone bills to 1-900 lines. Their husbands would call the next hour or appear reluctantly at my office, struggling with whether they actually had a problem with this potentially addictive (and highly expensive) behavior.

There was big money to be made by investors who snapped up and promoted 1-900 numbers with suggestive three-, four-, and seven-letter words rounding them out—not to mention resourceful women, young and not-so-young, who craftily embodied and impersonated the young subjects of glossy photos in the back pages of men’s magazines. Many people found the lure of “risk-free” phone sex with readily available strangers to be too hard to resist, spending countless hours and thousands of dollars maintaining their compulsive tele-sex habits.

How things have changed with the rise of the Internet and smartphones! Although traditional phone sex lines still exist and some thrive, no longer are people tethered to cumbersome wall sockets that keep them in their bedrooms or office cubicles. We have apps that use GPS to find sex partners near us as easily and anonymously as we locate a good Japanese restaurant. Phone sex is now often fully visual, streaming from hand to cell tower to satellite and back in the blink of an eye. Not only can it be addictive, it’s often free—in a financial sense.

Phone- and web-based sex can be profoundly costly when it comes to the toll on real-life relationships. Live video streaming or face time might be great for those of us who want to commune with a traveling partner or see and interact with grandkids on the other side of the continent. But what kind of effect does pornography and for-profit sex chat have for those who struggle with marital fidelity and remaining sexually sober? For those with a propensity for addictive escape and risky sexual behavior, it’s a whole new world of problems.

If you need some help navigating it, contact a therapist near you. It might prove to be the best call you’ve made in a long time.

The transition from being a wife or partner to being a mother with children can be a difficult one. Whereas before you could give all your time and attention to your partner or spouse, hobbies, work, and other pursuits, now there is a demanding baby to care for. Some women feel that during pregnancy they begin to experience “mommy brain” and have trouble with memory. In fact, research shows that women’s brains do shift during pregnancy. A study published in Behavioral Neuroscience showed that there was a small but significant level of growth in the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and hypothalamus. These changes are associated with increased worry, obsessively thinking about and caring for the child, and placing a high emphasis on the baby’s needs. Well beyond birth, when the child is a little older and more independent, many women continue to have a difficult time shutting off obsessive thoughts about their child and focusing on being a wife or partner.

As a couples therapist, I hear often how hard it is for women to transition from being constantly involved with their children to being a wife or partner again. It’s completely normal for most women to have some challenge making the transition. After all, just because your children are asleep does not mean that your “mommy” duties are fulfilled. You might have to prepare lunches or fill out permission slips for the next day.

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Just as the husbands and partners of mothers have to adjust to new roles and realities, women, too, have to come to some balance. Even in the throes of parenthood, it is essential to have time together with your partner independent from your children.

Here are some strategies for making the switch from “mommy mode” to “partner mode”:

1. Effectively manage your time. Think about cutting some obligations so you have more time in the evening. Schedule things if you have to, and stick to the schedule. If there’s a task that isn’t a “must-do,” let it go. Make time with your partner a priority, right alongside fixing those lunches. When you’re with your partner, try not to think about anything else and allow yourself to immerse yourself in the moment. A family is only as strong as the partnership.
2. Set aside one or two nights per week for intimacy. Make it a point to head to bed a little earlier than usual a couple of nights a week. (If you’re too tired at night, why not set the alarm for before the kids wake up?) If you set certain nights aside (and you know they are coming), you can train your mind and prepare yourself better. Oh, and just because you are not already in the mood does not mean you cannot get in the mood once you are physically close. Remember: desire does not always come before intimacy. Intimacy can generate desire.
3. Do relaxing activities before bed that don’t have to do with housework or child care. For example, take a hot shower or bath, read a chapter from a novel or peruse a magazine, have some red wine and chocolate, or watch a favorite television show (perhaps one you wouldn’t watch with the kids). These activities will ground you and help you transition to intimacy with your partner, in whatever form that may take.
4. Talk to your partner about your relationship or even “adult” things. Have an intellectual or emotional conversation about current events, work, your passions, or your relationship. Avoid discussing the kids, if possible.

Reference:

Kim, P., Leckman, J. F., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Wang, X., and Swain, J. E. (2010). The Plasticity of Human Maternal Brain: Longitudinal Changes in Brain Anatomy During the Early Postpartum Period. Behavioral Neuroscience, Vol. 124, No. 5. 696-700

In today’s world, pornography use has become quite common. In fact, 40 million Americans are regular visitors to pornographic sites, 12% of all websites are pornographic in nature, and 25% of all search-engine requests are for porn. Does this high prevalence mean it’s OK? Does the fact it is common mean it is harmless? Does the fact it is widespread mean it’s all right for all individuals and couples?

If it is not OK with you, then it is not OK in your relationship. When one or both parties have an issue with pornography use, it needs to be addressed.

Most people I encounter in my practice for whom porn is an issue “discover” a partner’s secret pornography use. It’s not something they share together. Due to the fact it is kept secret, it’s typically toxic. Would your partner be doing this if you were standing right there? Would your partner be fine with you knowing? Do you watch pornography as a couples activity? If the answers to all of these questions are no, then the pornography is likely a problem in your relationship.

Of course there are relationships in which pornography use is mutually condoned and enjoyed. But if your relationship isn’t one of them, you might be thinking, “What do I do now?”

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If you feel like your partner’s pornography use is a violation of trust, like it is some sort of infidelity, or feel disgusted and hurt, try these suggestions:

1. Take a moment to process things. If you haven’t already had an all-out argument, take a day or a week to think, calm yourself, and prepare for how you will talk to your partner about this. According to John Gottman’s reseach on couples, the first few minutes of a conversation generally determine the outcome. Start your conversation right!
2. Remember: this is not your fault. Your partner’s pornography use likely is not because he or she finds you unattractive, and it is also probably not because you have been having sex less frequently. Multiple studies show that one consequence of frequent pornography use is reduced interest in sex with one’s partner. So you may have been having less sex because of the pornography—but probably not the other way around.
3. Ask questions about the pornography use. Attempt to have a mature and calm conversation about your partner’s use. How long has this been going on? How often does he or she look at pornography? What kind of pornography does he/she look at? Does he/she pay for it? Does he/she use interactive websites or passive videos? How does he/she feel about his/her use? Does he/she feel guilty? Does he/she say “it’s not a big deal” or “everyone does it”? What is his/her reaction to you knowing? Though it might be tempting to raise your voice, calmly tell your partner how hurt and offended you may be; try your best to simply gather information. This is the time to let your partner talk about what it means. You’ll get your chance.
4. Tell your partner what pornography use means to you. Talk about feelings of betrayal, jealousy, or shame. Talk about your insecurities. Talk about your fear that this will slide into another form of betrayal, secrecy, or sexual infidelity. Talk about how you may now be feeling pressure to perform in the bedroom, thinking that he or she will be comparing you to what he/she has seen. One study reports one of the most common negative results of pornography is women feeling that they must behave like porn actors and actresses.
5. Come up with a plan. Talk about where you go from here. Assuming it’s what you want, is your partner promising to quit? Is your partner defensive and feeling like he or she shouldn’t have to stop? Can you agree on a plan? If not, consider seeking a couples or marital therapist to help you come up with a compromise. Some people may say that they are willing to stop but find it difficult or feel compelled to look at pornography. If this is the case, I encourage seeking guidance from a therapist who specializes in pornography addiction.

Pornography use can be a sensitive topic for many because it involves intimate and personal acts. It can trigger insecurity, mistrust, anxiety, and depression. It’s OK if you are not OK with your partner looking at pornography. Just because it is common does not mean that you must be OK with it. Just as you have other rules in your relationship, talking about pornography use will help clarify your values as a couple and your expectations intimately.

References:

1. The Stats on Internet Pornography. Retrieved from http://thedinfographics.com/2011/12/23/internet-pornography-statistics/
2. Gottman, J., and Schwartz Gottman, J. (2013). The Empirical Basis for Gottman Couples Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/EmpiricalBasis-Update3.pdf
3. Kirkova, D. (2013). Vanilla Sex is OUT, Porn Addiction is IN: Disturbing Survey Reveals How Porn is Damaging Our Relationships. Daily Mail. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html#ixzz2OfMGpMJ6

People have it all wrong about married sex. Somehow many Americans have created a fantasy that sex in marriage should look like sex when you’re dating or sex in movies—the type of sex that is urgent, quick, spontaneous, lustful, and passionate. Sure, it can happen, and it’s wonderful when it does, but this is certainly not the norm. As a sex therapist, I see time and time again that expectations are part of the issue when it comes to low sex drive and sexless marriage. People come to my office all the time and say that when they have sex they enjoy it, but they rarely seem to desire it.

Successful couples have realistic expectations about what sex should look like. They set date nights or schedule sex so that they make time for one another. They set aside time to try to get in the mood. They make intimacy a regular part of their relationships by knowing what to expect and when to expect it.

Are you one of those people who think scheduled sex is boring or cannot be pleasurable? Allow me to persuade you that if you change your thinking, not only will you and your partner likely have more sex, but you will enjoy it more as well.

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1. You Don’t Need Desire to Precede Intimacy

Do you always feel hungry for breakfast? No, but you eat it anyway because it’s an important meal.

Are you often dirty and “in need” of a shower? Probably not. But you likely shower daily, or every other day, anyway.

Do you feel utterly exhausted every night when you go to sleep? Maybe. But you might just go to bed around the same time because you know that rest is good for your body and so you won’t be tired the next day.

Do you always feel the urge to exercise? Many people would say no, definitely not! But people do it because it’s healthy.

Well, sex is the same way! You push yourself to start sexual intimacy because it’s good for your body, your mind, your marriage, and your family.

2. Dating Is Not Spontaneous

The idea that sex when you’re dating is spontaneous is simply not accurate. When people are dating and live apart, they make time to see each other. They often dress up, do their hair, apply perfume or cologne, or wear more flattering clothes. You planned sex when you were dating, but you didn’t realize you were planning for sex because you tricked yourself into feeling like it was spontaneous. It was anything but. All these steps you took helped your brain anticipate sex at the end of the night.

3. Planning Sex May Make You Happier

Why is spontaneous good and planned bad? Do you enjoy a vacation less because you planned it and looked forward to it? According to a recent study in the Journal of Applied Research in Quality of Life, participating vacationers were happier before their trips, in anticipation. Other research shows, as well, that people derive happiness from anticipating a positive experience.

Anticipating a sexual encounter may make you more responsive in, and happy before, the actual act.

4. For Many Women, Desire Comes after Arousal

According to Rosemary Basson’s model of female sexual response, desire more commonly occurs in women after arousal. In contrast, the male model of sexual response dictates that desire generally comes before arousal. Women are not men!

If you, like many people, can enjoy sex and feel connected during intimacy but have a hard time initiating, try these steps:

• Plan one night per week to try to get in the mood. This doesn’t mean you should have sex if you are not in the mood. This means you are open to the idea of trying to get in the mood. You are open to kissing, hugging, or caressing in order to attempt to get aroused. Intercourse should happen only if you have desire and arousal.
• Welcome spontaneity on the other six nights. If being spontaneous is so important to you, then be open to that.
• On the night you “planned” to get in the mood, do things that help you become aroused. Some women like to shower or bathe in order to feel relaxed and clean. Some women feel that lingerie helps them feel sexy. Some feel that setting the mood with candles or fragrance is helpful. Do what moves you.
• Extend foreplay. Since desire comes after arousal for many women, foreplay may need to be extended. Try foreplay for 30 to 45 minutes before considering intercourse.
• Initiate if you are interested in getting in the mood. Initiating does not need to mean you are in the mood. It means you would like to get in the mood.

If you enjoy sex with your partner but never seem to find the time or occasion to be intimate, it might be that you are waiting for the stars to align. Shift your perspective to a more functional and realistic point of view. You can have passion and desire and perhaps even orgasm, but initiation is the first step.

References:

1. Kumar, A., Killingsworth, M.A., and Gilovich, T. (2014). Waiting for Merlot: Anticipatory Consumption of Experiential and Material Purchases. Psychological Science. Vol 25, No. 10. Pp: 1924-1931.
2. Nawijn, J., Marchand, M.A., Veenhoven, R., and Vingerhoets, A.J. (2010). Vacationers Happier, but Most Not Happier After a Holiday. Journal of Applied Research in Quality of Life. Vol 5, Issue 1, pp: 35-47.

Jealousy can be a painful and even fatal emotion, but according to one new study, it may also help spice things up in the bedroom. According to research published in the Journal of Comparative Psychology, when heterosexual men are jealous of their partner’s male friends, couples have more sex.

Couples Have More Sex When Women Have Male Friends

It’s notoriously difficult to find out how frequently people have sex, but research suggests that many couples have much less sex than cultural norms tell them they should have. One study of more than 20,000 found that only 26% of couples have sex once per week. To explore how jealousy might affect sexual frequency, researchers relied on self-reported survey data from 393 heterosexual men in long-term relationships. The average couple had been together for 36 months. Researchers asked questions about the men’s partner’s social lives, the men’s experience of jealousy, and the frequency with which the couple had sex.

Survey results revealed that couples had more sex when the woman had more male coworkers and friends, but only when the man believed his partner was attractive to these potential male rivals. This jealousy, researchers believe, encourages men to initiate more sex with their partners. [fat_widget_left]

Perceived Sexual Rivals Inspire Jealousy

The study’s authors didn’t investigate why men were more likely to have sex with their partners when those partners evoked feelings of jealousy. They speculate this may be due to what evolutionary psychologists term “sperm competition” that occurs when sperm from two or more males “compete” to impregnate a female. This phenomenon is not uncommon among nonhuman males. The researchers argue that men who perceive their partners’ male coworkers or friends as sexual rivals may be more likely to initiate sex so that their partners are not impregnated by another man. However, the study did not test fertility, pregnancy, or sperm competition.

The study also did not evaluate the role women played in the initiation of sex, so we don’t know what their role may be in this phenomenon. They study’s authors suggest that further research is necessary to validate their findings and to explore potential causes.

References:

1. Montgomery, H. (n.d.). How often do ‘normal’ couples have sex? Retrieved from http://www.everydayfamily.com/how-often-do-normal-couples-have-sex/
2. Pham, M. N., Shackelford, T. K., Holden, C. J., Zeigler-Hill, V., Hummel, A., & Memmering, S. L. (2014). Partner attractiveness moderates the relationship between number of sexual rivals and in-pair copulation frequency in humans. Journal of Comparative Psychology, 128(3), 328-331. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0036602

Sex sells. Sex sells vacations, music, perfume, clothing, even salad dressing with both covert and overt sexual messages. Sex also sells products that will supposedly help us become sexier, such as exercise equipment. Even the medical community tries to offer us ways to be sexier and maybe have more sex.

But what about better sex?

The word “better” is relative, of course. What is good or great sex to me isn’t necessarily good or great sex to you. Let’s keep those potential differences out of this discussion because what I want to talk about is highly individualistic, personal, and literally at your fingertips and at the end of your nose—your senses, which can play a big role in sensuality. “Sensual” is defined as relating to, devoted to, or producing physical or sexual pleasure. Even the dictionary sounds sexy with that definition!

This discussion is about the impact of our senses on sexual arousal. Accessing and becoming more attuned to our senses, and then incorporating that skill into sexual experience, either with another or on your own, is often an automatic or secondary component of sexual experiences. Still, we have an incredible opportunity to put our senses at the forefront of our sexual experiences.

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What the Science Says

Our senses contribute to the sexual arousal cycle. With some intention and perhaps experimentation, we can leverage what is sensual to each of us and our partners. Rachel S. Herz and Elizabeth D. Cahill (1997) found that men reported being aroused equally by visual and olfactory stimuli, while female olfactory sense was most powerful. In another study, 54% of men reported visual stimulation to be essential to their sexual arousal, while only 14% of women reported visual stimulation to be essential.

Touch is the most frequent method used to induce sexual stimulation. Skin is the largest organ in our body and has the most effective impact on sexual response. With practice, we can quiet the mind and listen to what the body is telling us about which types of touch are most arousing. We may think we know what touch is arousing based on previous experiences, but I challenge you to find new areas and methods of touch to add to your sexual experiences. As a simple example, we may recognize that having our calves massaged is pleasurable and relaxing; could this be added to your experience by asking a lover to massage your calves for the purpose of pleasure and eroticism?

The sense of taste as it relates to sexual response is a compelling but overlooked area of study. Obviously, we taste when we kiss and perform oral sex, but are we intentionally and mindfully tuning into this sense to explore a new dimension of our sexual experience? Consider this: phenylethlamine is a chemical believed to be produced during sexual acts and also released when we consume chocolate, cheese, and even salami! No wonder chocolate is a common part of Valentine’s Day—it’s sensuality in a box!

Incorporating the Senses into Daily Practice

A component of mindfulness is noticing what you are experiencing in the moment, which, of course, requires us to notice our senses. As I write this article, I am in a bustling, metropolitan coffee shop rife with opportunity for me to practice what my senses are detecting. Take a moment to practice this yourself. You may notice the lighting, the temperature of your environment, or the humming of traffic or conversation. I encourage people in therapy to sharpen their awareness to the information their senses are receiving by tuning in and detecting, just as I am asking of you.

Another daily practice is to take a moment and notice the thoughts, images, or memories each of the following words inspires. Now, no pressure here—I’m not suggesting you have to have a sexy thought, sexual image, or memory of a sexual experience. Set sex aside. Just take a breath, relax, and focus on each of the following words. Simply notice what you notice:

• Sight
• Sound
• Smell
• Touch
• Taste

Do two simple practices every day to enhance your sexual experience by tuning into your sensuality:

1. In everyday life, check in with your five senses. What are they detecting?
2. In sexual experiences, check in with your five senses. What are they detecting?

One final thought: As a sex therapist, I am often asked, “So, how do I spice up my sex life?” It is important to keep the first steps simple, use your senses, and remember which senses you and your partner are likely to respond to most!

A long time ago, my (much older) bachelor next-door neighbor confided in me that his pleasure in life was purely “sartorial.” Unfamiliar with the term, I ran to my dictionary and learned sartorial meant “pertaining to clothing, especially men’s.” But this distinguished college professor was—his clothes appeared unremarkable, plain, and masculine.

As we became better and better friends, he confessed to me that his sartorial interests were with feminine clothing, and that he had been wearing female lingerie under his tweed suits for many years. He lamented that he had lost his last girlfriend years before when “the allure of her panties reared its satin head.” What offered a sexual turn-on for him was a turn-off for her.

He wanted my help with shopping for dresses, but I was wearing work shirts and overalls—this was the early 1970s, and nobody condemned me for dressing like a male farm worker! Since I couldn’t offer shopping assistance, I spent time with him and listened.

Find a Therapist for Sex / Sexuality

Since that time, I’ve learned much more about cross-dressing, now more commonly referred to as gender expression that varies from societal expectations. Cross-dressing itself is simply a clinical term, and most people who cross-dress do not have transvestic disorder. [UPDATED: It’s important to distinguish between cross-dressing as personal expression and transvestic disorder as defined in clinical contexts].

Research shows that 87% of male cross-dressers describe themselves as heterosexual, and 60% were married at the time of survey. Rather than choosing “macho professions to hide,” many people simply work in various fields while managing their personal expression separately from their professional identity.

Current understanding recognizes that cross-dressing exists on a spectrum of gender expression, distinct from gender identity. Transvestic disorder occurs when cross-dressing causes significant distress or impairment to daily life, but this represents only a small subset of people who engage in cross-dressing behaviors.

I don’t know what happened to Henry. I know he yearned for a female partner who would understand. He especially hoped that one day he would marry a woman who could accept him with all his quirks and proclivities. Back then I don’t believe there was as much support available as there is now.

Individuals reading this while exploring their gender expression might be concerned about being discovered. This fear is shared by many people who cross-dress. Rather than outdated resources, current support includes professional therapy specifically trained in gender and sexuality issues, as well as evidence-based online communities and educational materials. Modern gender-affirming care emphasizes patient-centered approaches and coordination between providers to optimize outcomes.

but it can help you find peace with yourself, especially if your intimate relationships are being adversely affected. Support groups and psychotherapy aimed at self-acceptance and reducing risky behaviors can be particularly helpful.

So, what if you’re a wife or girlfriend discovering your partner’s gender expression? I recommend a 90-day “chill” period before taking any drastic measures.

Talk to them about what they do and why. Current research-based resources for partners include educational materials from professional organizations and evidence-based support groups]. Research shows that a quarter of women report at least occasional positive responses to their partner’s cross-dressing, and acceptance is often linked to discovering the behavior before marriage and having open communication about it.

Professional support organizations continue to provide resources for cross-dressers and their families, offering everything from education to community support]. Organizations like Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self) serve as educational, social, and support groups for heterosexual cross-dressers, their partners, and their families.

One wife told me years ago that it would have been easier to accept her husband if he announced he was gay. She felt scared she would lose “the butch part of him—the manly part.” That didn’t happen. Over time, she came to terms with it: “There are worse things he could be doing, and I’ve found he’s the same guy I fell in love with before he broke out the Little Bo Peep outfit for Halloween. I don’t always condone his fashion statements, but I don’t need to divorce him, either.”

Modern relationship research emphasizes that successful navigation of these issues requires open communication, education, and often professional support for both partners. Studies indicate that relationships can maintain quality and satisfaction when both partners engage in maintenance activities that buffer challenges and focus on relationship positives].

References:

1. Docter, R. F., & Prince, V. (1997). Transvestism: A survey of 1032 cross-dressers. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26(6), 589-605. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1024572209266
2. Psychology Today. (2024). Transvestic disorder. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/transvestic-disorder
3. Bullough, V. L., & Weinberg, T. S. (1994). Women in relationships with cross-dressing men: A descriptive study from a nonclinical setting. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 23(5), 515-530.
4. Coleman, E., Radix, A. E., Bouman, W. P., Brown, G. R., de Vries, A. L. C., Deutsch, M. B., … & Arcelus, J. (2022). Standards of Care for the Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse People, Version 8. International Journal of Transgender Health, 23(sup1), S1-S259.
5. Moini, J., & Ahangari, R. (2024). Cross-dressers. In Foundations of the Mind, Brain, and Behavioral Relationships (pp. 285-290). Academic Press.
6. Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self). (2024). Educational and support resources for cross-dressers and families. https://www.triess.org/
7. McCann, E., Brown, M., & McCormick, F. (2021). The quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships in transgender people: A systematic review of the literature. International Journal of Transgender Health, 22(1-2), 4-22.

Thanks for your question. I can only imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are humming along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife is asking you to play the “keys in the bowl” game from the 1970s. It sounds like you have a strong marital connection and are completely taken aback by the question, which is understandable. I would feel the same in your shoes.

Here is the key quote, far as I’m concerned: “She says it would be ‘just sex,’ we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how it works.” Frankly, I’m not sure that it works, period. To my mind there is no such thing as “just sex.” We westernized, Cartesian types seem to think we can neatly separate mind and body, but this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even being extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or affect, as we say in psychology. This “no feelings involved” doesn’t make sense because clearly your wife is expressing some desire (i.e., a feeling) for a new sexual experience. The question is, why?

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Because of the intensely physical nature of sex, we tend to think of it as outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship—its own special category. I find, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and so on. It puts too much pressure on a couple to have a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then expect sparks in the bedroom. My hunch—from a distance, of course—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go outside the relationship to find it. Why is that? What is she not finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? And it is a risk, no matter what anyone says. Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality’s exciting appeal). Of course, my attitude would be different if you were in favor, but you’re obviously strongly opposed.

Are there ways in which she can express some of those desires with you? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not saying something or making a request for something new? Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are there ways you two can “shake things up” a bit in the romance and sex department? A weekend away, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a part of her she wants to let out but is afraid? (Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.)

You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Thanks again for writing.

Best,
Darren