Caitlyn Jenner’s recent transition, made public with her Vanity Fair cover and I Am Cait—a reality show that chronicles her life after coming out as transgender—have drawn public attention to transgender issues. The warm welcome Caitlyn received from many celebrities and political organizations might even create an illusion of support for all transgender people.

Figures from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Williams Institute reflect a different reality. According to a study by the two organizations, 41% of trans-identified people attempt suicide at some point in their lives, compared to just 4.6% of the general population. The study analyzed results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, which was the largest study to explore the experiences and lives of transgender and gender-nonconforming people in the United States. The National Center for Transgender Equality will launch the 2015 U.S. Trans Survey on August 19.

What Is Behind the Transgender Suicide Rate?

[fat_widget_right]High-profile transgender suicides continue to bring attention to the issue. Late last year, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn walked into oncoming traffic to end her life. Her suicide note suggested that anti-transgender discrimination and forced conversion therapy played a role in her decision. Another transgender youth, M.C. Lampe, became unable to tolerate relentless bullying from peers and attempted suicide in the ninth grade. Lampe survived and was able to receive quality psychiatric care.

Bullying can often push transgender children and teens to attempt suicide. A 2011 National Center of Transgender Equality study found that 82% of transgender youth report feeling unsafe at school, with 44% experiencing physical abuse, 64% experiencing theft of their possessions, and 67% facing online bullying.

For many transgender people, bullying is only the beginning. In 2011, Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that 12% of transgender youth had been sexually assaulted in school by peers or faculty, and 22% of transgender people who reported being homeless faced assault while staying in shelters.

Promoting Transgender Acceptance

Experts consistently agree that rejection from parents and peers is a significant factor in the high transgender suicide rate. Parents and loved ones of transgender individuals can show their support by accepting a person’s stated identity, avoiding transgender stereotypes, and using a person’s chosen name and correct pronouns.

References:

1. Herskovitz, J. (2014, December 31). Suicide note of transgender Ohio teen inspires call to help others. Retrieved from http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/12/31/us-usa-ohio-transgender-idUSKBN0K918W20141231
2. Responding to transgender victims of sexual assault: the numbers. (2014, June). Retrieved from http://www.ovc.gov/pubs/forge/sexual_numbers.html
3. Transgender bullying: A national epidemic. (2014, July 13). Retrieved from http://nobullying.com/transgender-bullying/
4. Ungar, L. (2015, August 16). Transgender people face alarmingly high risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/08/16/transgender-individuals-face-high-rates–suicide-attempts/31626633/

The foster care system has a disproportionate number of LGBT youth in its care—the result of so many being abandoned by their parents. This often happens at a time when children most need support and guidance, during their preteens and teens when they are figuring out who they will be as adults. It is the ultimate rejection, and the wounds can last a lifetime.

Regardless of whether the parent-child relationship was good or bad before the child came out, being rejected by those who are supposed to love and protect you unconditionally is devastating. Severe damage is done to self-esteem, trust, security, future relationships, and one’s view of the world.

What would cause parents to legally and morally divest themselves of their responsibilities and emotional ties to their children? The answers lie not in the children, but in society and the parents themselves.

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Mothers are often blamed for any perceived flaws in their children. Many men feel it is a mark against their masculinity to produce a gay child. Other parents feel shame due to religious teachings. Still others are upset that their children don’t fit in with socially prescribed gender roles. They seem to forget that gender roles, clothing styles, and what is perceived as masculine or feminine have changed many times throughout history. It is a misguided sense of shame, a shame so extreme at times that it can be relieved only by disconnecting and distancing from the child.

As a society, we encourage shame in both parents and children by denying LGBT people basic civil rights. This makes a powerful statement that they are somehow “less than” and therefore their neglect is more acceptable. This system has been used against minorities throughout time. In most minority groups, however, parents and children share the minority status and therefore parents will protect and guide their children. In contrast, most LGBT kids have heterosexual, cisgendered parents, making the kids minorities within their own families.

When parents feel shamed by their gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender kids, they typically blame the child instead of looking at their own feelings. They resolve their discomfort by getting rid of what they perceive as the source—the child. Ironically, the parents end up placing the burden of their child’s care on the very society that created the situation. These now-homeless youth are vulnerable to abuse, drug addiction, and prostitution. They have committed no crime, but are treated worse than criminals. The emotional damage is just as painful.

Even those people who come out to their families as adults often face rejection. Many LGBT people create their own substitute families from close friends, and they may have spouses and their own children. They may be content and feel that they have moved beyond the parental rejection to a place where they are valued and loved. This is perfectly possible. Nevertheless, the love and caring of a mother or father is unique, and rejection from them always leaves a scar.

How do we, as a society, stop this abuse? As with all complex issues, there is no one solution. Change has to come through many channels. The LGBT community and its allies need to continue to work for full civil rights. Parents need more education to learn that there is nothing wrong with them or their children. Schools need to expand their education about the LGBT community and their anti-bullying practices. As a society, we have to see the abandonment of LGBT youth as reprehensible.

We need to believe that ALL children are worthy of love and nurturing, from their families and from their communities.

Historically, if a human being did not belong to a social group, he or she would more than likely die due to harsh conditions. It took a village to survive and you needed to be a part of that village. In an article titled The Pain of Social Rejection, written by Kirsten Weir for the American Psychological Association, she wrote that our need to belong, for acceptance, links back to our early survival skills.

Weir quotes Kipling Williams, PhD, at Purdue University as saying, “Evolutionarily speaking, if you’re socially isolated, you’re going to die and it’s important to feel that pain.” Weir also cites brain research which reveals that the areas of the brain that register pain due to physical injury, the dorsal anterior cingulate and the anterior insula, also register the emotional pains of rejection.

It’s quite smart of our bodies to create such a strong reaction to rejection. Due to our early programming, rejection—a lack of belonging, a lack of acceptance—meant death. So the brain sends us strong signals of pain to warn us that if we don’t try to reconnect, our lives are in jeopardy.

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Rather than value this warning sign, this important bodily communication, we fear it. The pain becomes unbearable. We attach all kinds of meanings to the pain, to rejection itself. We perceive rejection as an absolute truth about who we are or what we can achieve. Somehow, this primitive survival signal creates a slow, painful death—of our spirits.

We stop reaching out. We stop trying. We give up on finding the right partner, the right job, the right friends. While our modern-day culture allows us to survive in isolation, what quality does that bring to our life? We may not die physically, but what about mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?

Romantic relationships include various forms of rejection. You may reject your partner macro style, the total breakup, or micro style, such as the quiet zingers you launch over dinner. You may reject in obvious ways, such as sleeping in a separate room, or less direct ways, such as developing and feeding a sexual dysfunction.

As a result of these rejections, you may continue to coexist in your relationship but shut down connection. Or the whole relationship might break apart. This separation can wound so deeply that you may fear ever trying to form another relationship.

If you want to overcome your fears of rejection, here are five ways to transform how you respond to this difficult experience:

1. Rejection is not about you and it is about you. This tenet is twofold. On the one hand, rejection usually has more to do with the person rejecting and less to do with you. That person has his or her own history that influences the person’s ability to connect with and accept you. The person may have his or her own emotional obstacles to confront. At the same time, there may be threads of truth woven into the person’s perspective about you. It behooves you to try to learn what you can from the experience. It takes two to make a relationship work or to tear it apart. How does this rejection become a learning opportunity for you? How do you become constructive instead of destructive with these threads of truth?
2. Expect rejection SOME of the time. I have no idea where I heard this, but someone once said to me, “You see that gorgeous girl? Someone, somewhere, is sick of her [crap]!” Like that girl, you, too, will be rejected, no matter how attractive you are, how much money you have, or how nice you are—someone will “get sick of you” in some form. Not everyone is compatible, and you will not meet everyone’s needs at all times. If you can accept this, you can decrease the personalization of rejection, maintain faith, and keep trying.
3. Stop making rejection your whole life story. Assuming the identity of “victim” will not attract or keep a mate. The more you cling to the “rejected” role, the more you suffer. There is more to you than your rejection. Surround yourself with friends and family who support you. These people serve as a reminder of your worth. They are a part of your love story. To overcome rejection, you must connect with people who love you.
4. Vulnerability is a relationship requirement and a rejection target. If you fear rejection, you might hold up a bulb of garlic when you see the word “vulnerability.” Yet without this vital relationship skill, your mate cannot ever truly connect with you, and may, in turn, reject you. Real intimacy is possible only when both partners become vulnerable. If you can transform what you choose to do with rejection, vulnerability might not feel so scary.
5. Risk is necessary for your emotional growth. When you choose to love someone, you risk loss. Whether by death, divorce, or separation, the risk of rejection is present. Is it better to love and risk loss or rejection than to not love at all? The answer is yes, plain and simple. Science shows us that we are wired to seek connection, belonging, and acceptance. Avoiding rejection closes the doors to many potentially fulfilling relationships.

Destructive responses to rejection shut you down to all relationships. Constructive responses teach you about yourself and others. Rejection is not easy. Your response sets the stage for your relationship experiences. What do you choose?

Reference:

Weir, Kirsten (2014). The Pain of Social Rejection. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx

You are single, feeling good about yourself, looking your best, and decide to go out for a night on the town. In the back of your mind, there is a small nugget of hope that perhaps tonight you will finally meet the person of your dreams and begin the relationship you have been fantasizing about.

As you arrive at the party, bar, or dance club, you settle in to the festive atmosphere and begin to enjoy yourself when you spot that potential mate across the room. Their physical appearance fulfills all your requirements and they appear to be witty, vivacious, and fun as you observe them interacting with their friends.

Suddenly, you find yourself unable to move, your feet stuck to the ground, and all of your desire to connect stymied by a sudden loss of will and resolution. As much as you may wish to follow through and walk the 20 feet across the floor, you find yourself unable to gather up the courage to make what now feels like a million-mile march.

This sudden shift is driven by a common fear among people both LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) and straight: the fear of rejection. Rejection is a concern that many people carry in the dating world, as it can influence one’s ability to make a connection to someone who could potentially be a great friend, a fun fling, or even a partner.

The fear of rejection is often rooted in the misguided belief that we are not good enough for a person. We fear giving that person the power to make us feel foolish or less than in comparison to them. We build a construct around the person we are hoping to meet that makes them better than us, even though this is often not the truth.

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Here is the kicker to the fear of rejection: It is very possible that someone at that same party, bar, or club finds you to be the object of their attraction and is fearful of approaching you because they imagine you will reject them. It might even be that person you were attracted to, the one standing 20 feet away.

This ultimately leads to a room full of people, many attracted to others, and yet all equally fearful to step across the room and introduce themselves. Thus, the room is frozen in a static energy of missed connections.

There is a powerful means to counteract the fear of rejection—and that is by recognizing that almost everyone is being influenced by it. With this knowledge, you can choose to empower yourself and be the person who breaks the shackles of the rejection construct and risks crossing the room to say hello.

By taking this risk, you reveal yourself as someone who is not constrained by social encumbrance, someone who will take the time and energy to reach out for connection. This presentation of self-assurance and risk taking can be quite sexy to the person you are approaching. Confidence is a proven aphrodisiac.

It also helps to make the approach with a deep sense of curiosity about the person rather than being overwhelmed by your preconceived ideas of who this person is based on how they represent themselves in the moment. They may be projecting a little bit of attitude that is founded in their fear of rejection protecting them from harm. If you assume everyone is holding a tiny bit of fear of rejection, it can help you to be kind and gentle in your approach.

As you begin to release your fear of rejection, you will notice that other people begin to find you more approachable, and the potential for deeper connections will begin to blossom.

Borderline personality (BPD) is characterized by hostile behavior, negative affect, hypersensitivity to others, anger, worry, and fear of rejection or abandonment. These traits can make life difficult for people with BPD, causing them to react in ways that may be considered socially unacceptable. Additionally, the hypersensitivity that BPD causes can result in outbursts to perceived insults and can damage personal relationships and lead to rejection and isolation. This can then set the stage for further sadness, anger, and fears of abandonment, which perpetuate the cycle of rejection and hostility. Therefore, it is imperative to get a better understanding of what mechanisms lead to this pattern of behavior in people with BPD.

To do this, Gentiana Sadikaj of the Department of Psychology at McGill University in Quebec recently conducted an experiment involving 38 people with BPD and 31 non-BPD control individuals. All of the participants reported their levels of quarrelsome and hostile behavior, perceptions of their partner’s behavior, and their own affect over a three-week period. Specifically, Sadikaj wanted to evaluate the participants’ own behavior in response to their negative affect, their behavior resulting from their perceptions of others, and their attitude resulting from those perceptions.

Sadikaj found that the BPD participants did indeed have more intense reactions than the non-BPD participants. With respect to behavior response to their own affect, all the participants responded similarly. But the BPD participants perceived others as being cold and rejecting, thus causing them to react with increased hostility and anger. This increased their level of quarrelsome behavior and prompted those they interacted with to also become more difficult. The BPD participants also reported feeling more worried, isolated, and sad than the non-BPD participants as a result of these perceptions and resulting quarrels. Sadikaj said, “Such reactions from others may, in turn, reinforce fears of rejection and disconnection, and sensitivity to others’ behavior among individuals with BPD, thus maintaining the painful cycles of disturbed interpersonal relationships.” Sadikaj hopes these results guide interventions for people with BPD toward focusing on their perceptions of others’ and their behavior in response to those perceptions.

Reference:

1. Sadikaj, G., Moskowitz, D. S., Russell, J. J., Zuroff, D. C., and Paris, J. (2012). Quarrelsome behavior in borderline personality disorder: Influence of behavioral and affective reactivity to perceptions of others. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0030871