Neither and Both: Understanding Ambiverts

If introversion and extroversion are the poles on a spectrum, ambiverts are the people who fall in the very middle of that spectrum. 

As we’ve recently been exploring, extroverts typically feel emotionally filled up and energized after social interactions. In contrast, introverts typically feel emotionally filled up and energized when they spend time alone. And while no one is a pure extrovert or introvert, most people find that they fall more on one side or the other. But some people don’t see themselves in the definitions of introverts or extroverts or see themselves in both. Where do they fit? 

I’m Not an Introvert… I’m Not an Extrovert…What Am I?

Ambiversion is a term used to describe individuals whose social needs vary. Sometimes, what restores and refreshes them is time spent alone or in tranquil environments. At other times, they find social and high-energy situations energizing and restorative. They don’t fall neatly into one of the other boxes, so this third term was created for them: ambiverts. Just like an ambidextrous person can use both their right and left hand with pretty equal strength and skill, so an ambivert is both internally and externally focused, and can be alone or 

The Middle of the Road

Labels can promote self-exploration and understanding, but when you don’t fit any of the available labels, you start to wonder about yourself. That’s why the introduction of the term “ambivert” is important–because there are people who truly do fall in the middle, and now we have a way to talk about that middle-space, understand it, and appreciate that, just like their introverted and extroverted counterparts, ambiverts are not alone in their operational patterns. 

While introverts and extroverts tend to be fairly predictable in their social needs, ambiverts are not. This isn’t a bad thing! Ambiverts are actually the most emotionally diverse group out of the three.

7 Signs You Might Be an Ambivert

Context Affects Your Needs 

Depending on the situation, you might feel like an extrovert one day and an introvert the next. Context plays a big role in this; when you consider your current social needs, what you’ve been up to in the last week or day can play a significant role in what you need right now. Some days, you might feel like being in a crowded room full of people; others, you might want to stay home. Both are okay.

You Have a (Changing) Social Limit

Your extroverted friends may expect you to always want to be out and about with them, but if you’re an ambivert, some days that is just not the case. Your social limit changes from day-to-day, and it’s okay to need time to yourself.

You Prefer Deep Conversation But Are Also Good at Small Talk

Ambiverts can do it all, but at the end of the day, they value more in-depth conversations. They like to get to know others in a meaningful rather than superficial way.

You Can Be Reserved and Outgoing

With constantly changing social needs, ambiverts are often quite self-aware out of necessity. Thus they generally know when to set their boundaries and withdraw, and when to let loose and be outgoing and energetic. This balance is great for maintaining all types of relationships.

You Can Be Something of a Chameleon

One unique aspect of ambiverts is their ability to shift how you’re showing up in a moment to fit the needs of the situation. For example, if you’re chatting with a friend who is quiet and withdrawn, you might go into your outgoing-mode, while if you’re talking to someone with a lot of chatty social energy, you might pull back a bit and go into your listening, attentive, introverted-friend mode. You may be an ambivert if you find your friends are all over the spectrum in their personalities and social needs since you can (and often do) shift a bit, like a chameleon, to suit them pretty easily. 

New People Are Great as Long as Your Friends are With You

Ambiverts may initially present themselves to new acquaintances in a more reserved way until they are comfortable enough to open up and express their more extroverted side. Having a familiar friend along can ease this process. 

You Need Alone Time AND Social Time

Alone time is still critical to the ambivert who enjoys being social. Both situations fill them up in different ways. It’s almost like ambiverts have two tanks, a social tank and an alone-time tank, that both need to be maintained. 

What Ambiverts Bring to the Table

Ambiverts naturally offer a balancing influence to society. They grease the wheels in social situations. They can relate to just about anyone, which means they can be the relational glue in friendships and true peacemakers when conflict arises. Ambiverts also bring a contemplative self-awareness that can inspire others to do the work of being introspective, self-attuned, and capable of healthy boundaries. 

Understanding Extroverts

Recap from Understanding the Introvert: The terms introvert and extrovert, rooted in the work of Carl Jung, describe people’s personalities and the effects of social interaction on their energy levels. Personality terms like these can give us language to help us explore and better understand ourselves and others. No one is 100% extroverted or introverted, but most people fall on one side of the spectrum or the other. (There is a third category, ambiverts, which we’ll discuss later this month.) 

What Is an Extrovert?

An extrovert is someone who recharges through social interaction. While they may appreciate and even need time alone, what gives them energy is interacting with other people. 

Common Misconceptions

Despite stereotypes to the contrary, extroverts may be chatty and boisterous or reserved and quiet—the shy extrovert is not a fictional character. They may be comfortable in front of a microphone or absolutely terrified of public speaking. They may be friendly, aggressive, or withdrawn. They may have social anxiety, which can manifest in a variety of ways. 

6 Things Extroverts Wish Everyone Understood

#1 They Love People

Extroverts do not just love being around people—they deeply love people. A common misconception about this group is that they are superficial, surrounding themselves with people and activity for the sake of the energizing (or frenetic) bustle. Being around people does fill up their energy reserves, but investing in relationships with people they care about is deeply meaningful to them. 

#2 They Need Time with Others

Extroverts actually need social interaction. They feel nourished when they socialize with others, which means they have more to give. 

#3 They Love a Good Conversation

Introverts aren’t the only ones who love to discuss things deeply. Extroverts love a good conversation. Many extroverts might naturally start with small talk, but they’ll go deep with you—and they may want to skip the chitchat entirely. You want to talk about the brilliance of Jay-Z or the Pantone colors of the year or your first love? Extroverts are pretty comfortable hopping between topics and often find a variety of topics fascinating. They really enjoy the interaction as well as the conversational exploration. 

#4 They May Think Out Loud

Extroverted people are often told that they talk too much or are too loud. This is because many extroverts process things by talking them out. Where introverts might think through things privately in their own minds, many extroverts tend to need a sounding board in order to arrive at resolution and understanding. Thinking out loud helps them work through situations constructively and enlist the insight and support of others.

#5 They Enjoy Alone Time

The vast majority of extroverts do, in fact, enjoy alone time, just in a different way from their introverted counterparts. Though extroverts don’t get energized by being alone and often need less solitude than introverts, being alone can be self-care for them too. Finding quiet through mindfulness, allowing their bodies to rest from stimulation, and giving attention to their own thoughts can help extroverts refresh, even if it won’t give them fuel for the next big thing. 

#6 They Can’t Read Minds

Extroverts are often the social drivers—the connectors, the gatherers, the instigators. But don’t assume you have to do things their way just because they got the ball rolling. Share your own input. The extrovert in your life probably wants to hear it! Don’t assume extroverts know how they’re coming across, either. If it’s appropriate to your relationship with them, give them constructive feedback.

Understanding Introverts

We have all heard the terms introvert and extrovert. They are used to describe people’s personalities and the effects of social interaction on their energy levels. While some people view these labels as insignificant, many use them as a way to understand their place in the world, how their own brain works, and how they best interact with others. These concepts have gained popularity over the years, factoring into dozens of personality assessments like Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Enneagram. These ideas are tools to help people understand themselves and their needs better. 

According to Beth Belle Cooper, Carl Jung, who first came up with the language of introvert and extrovert, thought of these things as a spectrum rather than a dichotomy. No one is entirely extroverted or introverted. Still, most of us are going to lean more one way than the other. It’s helpful to note that, no matter your tendency, you probably have at least a bit of both introverted and extroverted tendencies. 

What Is an Introvert?

An introvert recharges their energy by being alone and is drained by extended social interaction (think big groups or lots of together time). There’s a lot of exciting research that points to physiological differences between extrovert and introvert brains. 

Common Misconceptions

Culturally, introversion is often associated with shyness, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, and preferring to be alone. The term can have a negative stigma attached to it. People may assume introverts are stuck up, detached, exclusive, or intensely private. These are unfair assumptions.

8 Things Introverts Wish People Understood

#1 They Love Alone Time

The biggest misconception is that introverts do not like people. The truth is, an introvert highly values the time they have for themselves. For an introverted person, alone time is a chance to recharge and fill up their energy tank.

#2 They Value Deep Conversation

Small talk has its place and can be great for making an impression, but introverts often prefer depth. They want to dive in immediately and get to the meat of the conversation. This makes sense logically – if you have limited social energy, why not spend it on what matters to you? 

#3 They Prefer Genuine Interactions

Authenticity is an essential element of all kinds of relationships, especially for many with an introverted personality. They may find it difficult to form friendships with people who they feel are shallow. Introverts often avoid shallow interactions whenever possible since they feel like a waste of energy. 

#4 They Often Enjoy People 

Introverts often love to be social, but since they’re working with diminishing energy in a social setting, they tend toward intentionality when it comes to social interaction. Introverts can be extremely loyal and close to a few people and prioritize that inner circle in their social interactions. That doesn’t mean that introverts aren’t generous with their time or are disinterested in new people, but it can be perceived that way. 

#5 They Don’t Control Their Social “Switch”

Introverts can have trouble switching immediately from alone time to social time, and sometimes they can’t make the jump. And when they run out of energy, they may sort of “power down” in the moment. Neither of these things indicates that they dislike people or social time. 

#6 They Value Empathy

Empathy is extremely valuable to introverts. Introverts may spend more time observing others. They are naturals for picking up on what others are feeling and being there for them. They are often excellent listeners. Empathy and deep connection are gifts that they like to give. 

#7 They Are Great Friends

Authenticity, listening, intentionality, empathy – if you’re thinking those sound like excellent qualities in a friend, you’re spot on. Introverts need friends – and they often make really excellent ones. Many introverts are also very loyal.

#8 They Want to Be Invited

Sometimes people think they are doing their introverted friends a favor by leaving them out of a social event. This is more likely to lead to hurt and misunderstanding than relief. Leave it to the individual to decide whether or not they want to participate in a social event. Being included in an invitation doesn’t entail obligation (“I was invited, so I have to go”) but rather an opportunity (“Is this something I want to do and have the energy for?”) and an affirmation (“People want me around!”). No one wants to feel left out. 

A Parting Note for the Introverts

American society in the 21st century is arguably wired in favor of extroverts. (Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, is a place to start with this topic.) But introverts are valuable and should be encouraged to be their authentic selves. If you’re an introvert, it’s worth exploring what that means and how to lean into your personality in a way that works best for you. We need introverts in the world. We need you.

Although it remains explicitly absent from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, complex posttraumatic stress (C-PTSD) is a condition that has gained broad acceptance in the mental health community. The symptoms and features of C-PTSD may be similar to borderline personality and posttraumatic stress (PTSD) and are most commonly associated with experiences of chronic child abuse or neglect, though any uneven power dynamic exploited over a prolonged period—such as kidnapping/hostage situations, indentured servitude, cults, or even intimate partner violence—can be the basis for complex trauma.

Complex trauma’s chief distinction is its prolonged nature. It’s not that your caregiver assaulted you that one time; it’s that your experience as a child was filled with recurring maltreatment, resulting in symptoms that are often diagnosed as attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), depression, and anxiety. While these diagnoses may be accurate, they do not address the origination of the problem.

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How a parent interacts with their child can have a huge impact on the child’s emotional development. If a child is not properly attuned, attended to, or acknowledged as an infant or in early childhood, a lifetime of damage may result. Generally, no visible scars or marks offer clues that anything damaging has occurred. When the person becomes an adult, they may experience serious relationship problems or struggle with addictions and other issues without understanding why. This, too, is complex trauma.

In fact, when someone has been chronically maltreated during any portion of life as a result of any type of abuse or emotional neglect, they may develop an inner propensity to manifest a variety of external symptoms. These tend to include but are not limited to “airheadedness,” anxiety, somatic symptoms (migraines, stomachaches, etc.), dissociation, and depression.

People who experience trauma from an early age must protect themselves in some way in order to cope. One means of protection is to “split off” the part of themselves that is experiencing the trauma. This results in the traumatized person having a fragmented psyche. Fragmentation is really a protective strategy. It serves a person well during traumatic experiences, but tends to be problematic once no longer needed for survival.

This splitting cannot be seen under a microscope or in a brain scan. Rather, it is as if the person develops different, developmentally stunted personas that are frozen in time deep within one’s unconscious memory. Each “persona” or “mode” is rigidly committed to a lack of growth and causes a level of stunted emotional development.

Schemas and Modes

During a child’s upbringing, various inner working models about life are developed. These can result in internalized “schemas.” Schemas develop in all people at an early age; some are adaptive and some are maladaptive. They are comprised of emotions and deeply ingrained beliefs about self, others, and relationships. Schemas are neurologically held as experiential or implicit memories, and are experienced viscerally. For example, one type of schema could leave an internal felt message of, “I know I am not worthy of love; I just know it. I feel it in my being.”

Modes are developed internally in response to schemas and are comprised of the personas created during traumatic or otherwise emotionally dysregulating experiences. Modes are compensatory and are created mainly as protectors. Some protectors are over-compensatory, such as in the case of narcissistic and antisocial personalities. Others are in the form of avoidance, denial, being overly friendly, etc.

Modes are akin to personalities. The necessary personality shows up as needed in response to the trigger at hand.

Everyone operates in modes. Some people with minimal traumatic experiences in childhood have relatively “normal” modes, where triggers aren’t as devastating as in the case of those who come from extremely emotionally deprived childhoods. When particularly strong modes of relating are present, personality conditions may develop.

Dissociative identity (DID) is the clinical term for a person with distinct and separate personas developed as a result of childhood trauma.

Triggers

Triggers usually have a connotation of something negative, but can also occur when a person has been conditioned to experience something positive. For the purposes of this article, I am referring to those triggers that cause a person to maladaptively regress emotionally to an earlier time in life.

Triggering occurs when a person experiences something that reminds them unconsciously of a past traumatic or emotionally upsetting experience. A schema is what is triggered, and a mode is what comes into play to protect the underlying, unbearable emotional pain.

Personas

When threatened by a negative emotional experience, subconsciously a schema is triggered and a mode comes to the rescue to protect the individual from the underlying emotional discomfort. The threatened unbearable emotions may include anger, shame, humiliation, desperation, fear, and emptiness.

Challenging the underlying maladaptive beliefs helps a person who experienced complex trauma begin to assess the damage caused during their childhood. The goal of therapy is integration of the different personas into a cohesive, adaptive, pro-social whole.

For people with personality conditions, a common threat is the potential for warmth, nurturance, or closeness. Such individuals may display personas to stop healthy interpersonal connection from happening.

Why is this? The hope for love may be threatening to a person with a personality condition. The “protector” shows up to stop this threat from becoming a reality. For a person with a personality condition, the hope for attachment may bring up the emotions of vulnerability, neediness, helplessness, powerlessness, and subjugation. These feelings may be too threatening to experience consciously.

If, as a child, a person did not experience consistent nurturance and reassurance when feeling helpless, needy, or vulnerable, but instead experienced abandonment and abuse, then dissociation and over-compensatory measures may have been created. Over-compensatory measures may occur in the form of another personality, such as The Entitled, The Superior One, The Rager, or The Detached Observer. These modes are protective.

Think of the concept of a person having part of their personality stuck in an early developmental stage, such as age 3. Now, think of a person with narcissism having a “rage attack.” The image you conjure may resemble the temper tantrum of a 3-year-old.

This is an example of a trigger leading to an emotional regression. The rage attack is akin to the “protection” for the person. While it may be maladaptive, it is effective in protecting the person from feelings of vulnerability and helplessness.

Treating Complex Trauma

One of the most helpful first steps in treating complex trauma is to identify the various modes within a person’s psyche. Some people have a few distinct personas, such as the ones mentioned above. Others include personas with attributes fitting titles such as The Rebel, The Fighter, The Victim, The Seducer, The Liar, The Party Girl, and so on. These labels are self-descriptive; the corresponding personas may show up when particular schemas are triggered as a result of threats being sensed in the environment.

Some of these personas act “normal” and can be masterful at concealing dysfunction. Protective in nature, these modes are usually the ones that present to the world and can be likened to a mask. For healing to occur, it is helpful to identify all modes—the “normal” ones as well as the socially maladaptive ones.

A good therapist can help a person struggling with complex trauma identify their schemas, modes, triggers, and personas, and can help the person learn to integrate these parts into a cohesive whole. Keep in mind it is not the goal of therapy to eliminate a person’s protectors, but to embrace them and incorporate them into the person’s sense of oneness.

Integration succeeds differentiation. Once the different parts are identified, the therapist can help the person ascertain the primary underlying threatening schemas residing in their psyche. Once these underlying schemas are pinpointed, the triggers make sense. Challenging the underlying maladaptive beliefs helps a person who experienced complex trauma begin to assess the damage caused during their childhood. The goal of therapy is integration of the different personas into a cohesive, adaptive, pro-social whole.

“You’re such a narcissist!”

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying that to someone you love, you know it’s never a compliment. “Narcissist” can be an all-purpose put-down that calls someone out for being egocentric and grandiose, demanding praise and adulation, and being unable to appreciate the needs or emotions of others; it’s hard to see how anyone with these qualities could ever get along in a friendship or romantic relationship. And yet, according to the American Psychiatric Association, between half a percent and 1% of the American population—which is to say, up to 3.2 million people—currently meet criteria for narcissistic personality (NPD).

Under everyday circumstances, narcissistic behavior can destroy relationships, ruin marriages, and interfere with professional advancement. But the same traits we see in people with NPD may also be present, individually and more subtly, in many people—maybe even in everyone. That’s because narcissistic qualities might well be a necessary component of human development.

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Sigmund Freud himself argued, in an essay called On Narcissism, that an infant’s primal urge to survive exceeds its sense of other people’s independent existence, and therefore comprises a kind of “primary narcissism”—a limited, self-centered outlook on the world, into which other personalities have yet to intrude. From six months to about 6 years old, most children go through a stage like this, which could be seen as a way station on the road to developing an independent self. According to Freud, the pathological narcissism that sometimes develops later in life (which he referred to as “secondary narcissism”) results from a distorted exaggeration of healthy narcissism.

Later psychoanalytic theorists elaborated on, and sometimes disagreed with, Freud’s theory. Karen Horney didn’t see primary narcissism as a phase everyone goes through; instead, she believed narcissistic traits arose from a mismatch between the individual and caregivers. To Horney, parents who treat their child as if the child is deeply undervalued—or overvalued—may be nudging that child toward developing a narcissistic personality. By contrast, Heinz Kohut saw the grandiosity of pathological narcissism as something that arose from a child’s larger-than-life idealization of the parents. Kohut believed this grandiosity, later in life, would typically shrink to the size of healthy self-esteem. A third clinical theorist, Otto Kernberg, also focused on parents and their contribution to narcissistic pathology: he believed children develop self-esteem when they have become accustomed to being praised and validated by caregivers. A child then develops positive internal representations of the parents and, at the same time, a stable and positive internal self-concept.

Regardless of whether you’re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it’s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when “narcissist” is used as a casual insult.

All these post-Freudian thinkers focused, at least in part, on the parent-child relationship as necessary to building self-esteem. Chief among the responsibilities our parents hold may be narcissistic validation or affirmation, which could be defined as the experience of having your whole self, and your feelings, treated as real and important by someone you care about. Validation is what we internalize as we grow up, so we can develop the ability to value ourselves. Like many things, narcissistic validation is beneficial—and necessary—in moderation. We need it most when we’re children; it’s our parents’ job to notice how we’re feeling (i.e., hungry, tired, or unhappy) and to respond appropriately (with food, the nap-time ritual, or just a hug). If a child is not well validated by the parents—and thus comes to believe their feelings are not important or will always be ignored by significant others—the child may learn to compensate and adapt by developing a psychological shell of brittle, exaggerated narcissism.

As we mature, the validation we seek continues to provide crucial interpersonal feedback, informing the way we make friends, fall in love, and come to know ourselves. We surround ourselves with people who value our good qualities, which can create a positive feedback loop. This feedback—this prosocial, mutually beneficial style of narcissistic behavior—comes into play when parents become their “best selves” when raising their children, or when people who crave others’ attention are able to reward that attention with cheer, kindness, or good humor, cementing friendships. Usually, the development of realistic and positive self-regard, along with an affirming self-concept strong enough to temper negative feedback, works to stabilize self-esteem in most adults. Truly mature self-esteem consists in the ability to self-validate, to regulate self-concept without depending on others’ praise, and to accept criticism without becoming defensive.

Regardless of whether you’re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it’s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when “narcissist” is used as a casual insult.

There is no question narcissistic behavior can be problematic. At the extreme end of the narcissism continuum, it can enable and perpetuate abuse. But perhaps more widespread knowledge and insight into the narcissistic needs of children and adults can help turn the label “narcissist” into something a bit more complex. We might even begin to see other people’s basic narcissistic demands as the reasonable human needs they often are.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed., Text Revision). Washington, DC: APA.
2. Freud, S. (1991). On Narcissism. In Sandler, J., Person, E. S., & Fonagy, P. (Eds.), Freud’s “On Narcissism:” An Introduction (IPA Contemporary Freud: Turning Points & Critical Issues). New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.
3. Horney, K. (1950, reprinted 1991). Neurosis and human growth (2nd edition). New York: W.W. Norton
4. Kernberg, O. F. (1985). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
5. Kohut, H. (1971). The analysis of the self: A systematic approach to the psychoanalytic treatment of narcissistic personality disorders. New York: International Universities Press.