I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this from couples during a session. Something big happens between them, like one person cheated, the offending party apologizes but the difficulty continues and the person who said sorry wonders why. The person who got hurt wants to feel better. The person who has apologized becomes exasperated because he or she feels they have done everything they can. “I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?”

Unfortunately this is frustrating for both people. Each person wants to feel better, yet both feel like something is unfinished. The person who hurt the other wants to make their partner whole, but the words “I am sorry” are just not enough. Why not? Why aren’t they enough? Why isn’t just saying I am sorry for what I have done to you enough?

If it were enough we wouldn’t be talking about what isn’t finished. And what’s not finished is the healing that the wounded feels and continues to experience. The person who got wounded is usually in some deep pain. When the person who caused the hurt says “I am sorry”, that usually lifts the guilt of the person who offended, but it doesn’t begin to heal the deep pain the offense caused. That’s why just saying “I am sorry” is not enough.

So what would be enough? What can couples do to really fix a gaping whole that exists between them? The first thing I like to help couples do is understand what happened. It’s much deeper than explaining what a person did to the other. Often couples feel that if they talk about the problem one time, it’s all done. Unfortunately many couples will delve into a difficult topic, talk about it once, and then both will feel the issue is settled. But it’s not. I know that the first conversation is crucial, but it is only a very first baby step. That’s all, just one little tiny baby step.

Think about it. You are wounded by your partner’s infidelity. You are devastated and you don’t know if you can forgive and forget at this moment. Your world is rocked and you aren’t sure if you will even be able to go on living with this person. Now your mate sees your condition and says to you, “I love you. I am so sorry for what I have done. Will you forgive me?”

In a moment of feeling lost and alone you hear those words and they feel like medicine on a very hurt heart. Your partner says he or she is sorry, that they love you, and that they want you to forgive them. They promise they will not leave you and they deeply emphasize how truly sorry they are for hurting you. You feel so sad and lost you just want to make everything better, like it was before you were wounded. You want this so much you say with all the hope in the world, “Yes. I forgive you. I love you too.”

And for the moment you really believe you will be OK. In that one magical moment you hope you will be able to go back to the way you were and make everything the way it was before the affair, before you knew any of this.

And everything is OK for that moment. But that moment doesn’t last very long because in your mind the next image you have is of your partner with the other person. You start to wonder when he or she stopped being faithful to you and became interested in another. You start to think about times when he or she might have lied to you. You begin to wonder about the moments you might have suspected something but you brushed it aside because you believed they would never do anything like that to you. You knew in your heart they could never do anything like that to you.

You live afraid that everything you know is crumbling and you don’t know what to do. You can’t move. You live in disbelief that the one who you committed yourself to has been unfaithful. You try and bring up some of these feelings because they are eating you alive. You try and talk to your mate but when you bring up the subject he or she gets angry and says, “I already said I was sorry. What else can I do?”

Healing after a breach like infidelity takes time and work. An apology is a place to start, but that is all it does; it open the door to the next process. And that next step includes understanding what happened, for both people, and asking all the hard questions like, “Do you still want me?”

To learn more about apologies, anger, and infidelity, contact Linda Nusbaum and read Linda’s blog about couples and relationships.

“I’ve made up my mind,” Dana sighed deeply. “I’m going to stick it out–for the kids. I won’t cheat. I have no intention of that and I don’t believe he would either. We are two straight-arrow people. But there’s nothing there. We have nothing, absolutely nothing to say to each other. The marriage is basically dead; we just didn’t plan the funeral.”

“That is tragic. Marriage is supposed to be a friendship, not a zero,” I said. “How did this happen?”

Dana didn’t know. At first, she couldn’t put her finger on it; then she hesitantly said, “Maybe I withdraw when I get hopeless. Maybe that’s it.”

She explained how, in the early years, she would tell her husband many times what she wanted, needed, thought, or felt. And when nothing changed, she eventually gave up. “It just dried up like an autumn leaf,” she sighed again.

Dana’s situation is typical of many couples—and it needn’t be.

Here are six questions for Dana to consider:

1. Was there a time when she and her husband were able to talk?

Looking back at the early days, most people can remember that talking to one another was not a problem, that there were always things to say and lots to hear. If listening was once fun and talking felt like there was a real audience, then there is hope. If you once had a connection but lost it, then that connection can be found again. Instead of thinking about not getting her own needs met, perhaps Dana can start listening to what her husband is saying. If she can understand what he wants, then perhaps that can be a starting point for later requesting he listen to what she wants.

2. If there was a time when Dana and her husband could talk, then is there something she may have done to contribute to the current problem?

If indeed Dana and her husband enjoyed talking to each other, then honesty requires some soul searching. Perhaps if Dana looks inside, she will notice that things shut down when she started to ask for what she wanted but her husband was unable to do the same thing. Or maybe they both asked for what they wanted but each person was thinking more about their own unmet needs than fulfilling those of their partner. Alternatively, maybe each would have liked to fulfill the partner’s needs but lacked the tools to know how, or even to understand what the partner wanted. Bridge the gap with some good, strong questions. For example, ask your partner: “Do you know what I want in this marriage?” Or, better yet, ask: “Is there something I could do differently to improve things?”

3. If Dana and her husband could not talk, did they feel close anyway?

There are people who were never good talkers, but they had great sex or lots of affection and that made them feel close. Just having shared life experiences can bring people close. And if that is the case, then maybe expecting to talk later on is not quite fair. If Dana knew that her partner was not a big talker going into the relationship, then now isn’t the time to say, “Oops, I made a mistake.” Perhaps Dana can consider how to re-capture the original affection. How about taking time to date? Dates that don’t call for talking but do call for interacting such as bowling, miniature golf, rowing, and rollerblading come to mind.

4. What do Dana and her husband both care about? Do they have values, passions in common?

Even if the relationship was never close, can this couple start from the ground up and build on commonalities? Dana mentions that neither one of them will cheat because they are both “straight arrows.” That’s a pretty important value in common. What goes along with that? How could they make that the basis for creating something good out of things that they never considered before?

5. Is there one quality in Dana’s husband that she admires or respects?

Good marriages are built on respect. So, even though Dana and her husband could not talk, it could be that there is something respect-worthy in Dana’s spouse, but she was so focused on not getting her needs met that she lost sight of that. Perhaps Dana could give some thought to what other people like in her husband so as to be able to view him with fresh eyes. How do the children view their dad? How about lifelong friends? Co-workers? Extended family? Neighbors?

6. Has Dana’s husband introduced her to something positive that she can appreciate?

Dana might ask herself if her husband gave her some “gift,” an interpersonal gift, not a tangible thing, that was special. For some people, it could be a sense of humor; for others, it could be the ability to stand up for oneself; for still others, it could be the ability to organize. It could be a silly thing or a heavy thing. Regardless, I’ve noticed that nearly everyone, no matter how annoying, distant, even mean, that they can be, has a gift to offer. It’s not something they even intend to give, but just by being whom they are, they demonstrate a good trait, a trait that their partners would love to have. So can Dana fish out from within her what it was that she “got” from her partner that she never had before?

In this list, you may be surprised that one question I did not ask was, “Do you love him?” That is because feelings change instantaneously. I was at a workshop recently where therapists were learning a new technique. They had to pretend to be one of their clients and express their clients’ feelings about some problem. It was fascinating how negative all the attendees in the room felt after that! And everyone was a therapist! When you get into a negative mood–even when you’re pretending—something bad sticks. Moods fluctuate depending on how the relationship is going at that time.

Love – or the absence of it — is the same way. We can think it’s gone, but that may only be a function of this disconnect you’re experiencing right now. Dana and her husband can work on the suggestions here; watch to see what improves, and then see if their attitudes don’t change, too. Maybe then the ships would consider dropping anchor, sending up flares, and finding out what’s going on.

How often do you want sex? And is that enough? But the majority of these women are heterosexual with male partners who are – you guessed it – complaining. So I guess I should say “relatively low levels of sexual desire!”

Over and over again I’ve found that moving in together does create a drop in the frequency of sexual activity for all couples regardless of gender. Long distance romance remains exciting because it provides space and distance interspersed with sexy weekend liaisons. But which is “normal” – the level of desire we experience early in a relationship or what unfolds later on?

Research consistently shows that low sexual desire affects 10-20% of women generally, with some studies finding that 40% of midlife women report low sexual desire. However, approximately 1 in 3 women experience low sexual desire at some point, making this one of the most common sexual concerns.

This is why couples therapist Esther Perel points out that “good intimacy doesn’t always guarantee good sex.” Her book Mating in Captivity explores the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, examining what it takes to sustain passion in long-term relationships. In it she points out that “the very elements that nurture love – reciprocity, mutuality, protection, closeness, emotional security, predictability – are sometimes the very things that stifle desire.”

So these guys start to feel like a brother or worse yet a child, and sex with family members is a definite no-no in our culture. Children and pets need caregiving, which we provide as an act of love.

Recent research on heteronormativity theory supports this observation, showing that unequal distribution of household labor places considerable burden on women, leading to feelings of inequity and exhaustion that ultimately diminish desire. The blurring of maternal and partnership roles, where women often find themselves mothering their partners, can lead to feelings of overwhelm and decreased desire.

Research conducted with married women who experienced desire decline found three core themes: institutionalization of the relationship, over-familiarity, and the de-sexualization of roles. For some women, formalizing their relationship through marriage made sex so available and sanctioned that it lost the forbidden and erotic quality that had formerly ignited passion. For others, overfamiliarity with their partner led to a decline in romance and sexual experimentation, as well as loss of motivation for self-care once they had “secured” their relationship.

A third group of women reported that holding down a job, being mom, and being a wife was overwhelming and “highly desexualizing,” making it extremely difficult to shift into romantic mode after changing diapers and fulfilling their professional roles. Many of the participants in all three groups specifically noted that while they were committed to their marriage, they thought desire would return if someone new came along who desired them.

As researchers now understand, women’s desire may be driven to the same extent as it is in men by novelty and excitement. The idea that female desire is simply about loving somebody has proven to be an oversimplification.

Over and above anyone else, we are our own point of reference for how sexy we are. Feeling good about ourselves emotionally and physically appears to be a bigger mediator of female desire than relationship factors alone. Research shows that sexual self-esteem, sexual desire, and sexual assertiveness all correlate positively with sexual function in women. This certainly bears out in my conversations with female clients.

Recently, for example, a woman told me that she no longer wanted to have sex “on top” of or astride her mate, “because my stomach sticks out and it would look terrible to him from that angle!” He shook his head, “Honey, I probably don’t even have my eyes open … that used to be your favorite position because it felt best to you … what else could possibly matter?”

*If you’re experiencing concerns about sexual desire, consider reaching out to one of our qualified therapists who specialize in sexual health and relationships.*

Gewirtz-Meydan, A., Sowan, W., Estlein, R., & Winstok, Z. (2024). Rights or obligations: The extent to which sexual desire and gender roles determine sexual intimacy in romantic relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 50(5), 482-497.

Johansen, E., Harkin, A., Keating, F., Sanchez, A., & Buzwell, S. (2023). Fairer sex: The role of relationship equity in female sexual desire. Journal of Sex Research, 60(4), 498-507.

O’Kane, K. M. K., Goldberg, S. Y., Bouchard, K. N., & Dawson, S. J. (2023). Debunking desire: Sexual science, social media, and strategy in the pursuit of knowledge dissemination. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 52(3), 1087-1099.

Peixoto, M. M., Amarelo-Pires, I., Pereira, H., & Nobre, P. (2023). Solitary and dyadic sexual desire and sexual satisfaction in women with and without sexual concerns. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 49(1), 77-87.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.

Rowen, T. S., & Goldstein, A. T. (2024). Sexual desire and pharmacologic management. Obstetrics and Gynecology Clinics, 51(2), 259-271.

Sims, K. E., & Meana, M. (2010). Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 36(4), 360-380.

Thomas, H. N., Brotto, L. A., de Abril Cameron, F., Yabes, J., & Thurston, R. C. (2023). A virtual, group-based mindfulness intervention for midlife and older women with low libido lowers sexual distress in a randomized controlled pilot study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(8), 1060-1068.

Wainberg, M. L., Muench, F., Morgenstern, J., O’Leary, A., Foote, J., Krupitsky, E., & Silverman, E. (2018). Prevalence and predictors of sexual problems among midlife Canadian adults: Results from a national survey. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 15(6), 873-879.

References:

1. Gewirtz-Meydan, A., Sowan, W., Estlein, R., & Winstok, Z. (2024). Rights or obligations: The extent to which sexual desire and gender roles determine sexual intimacy in romantic relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 50(5), 482-497.
2. Johansen, E., Harkin, A., Keating, F., Sanchez, A., & Buzwell, S. (2023). Fairer sex: The role of relationship equity in female sexual desire. Journal of Sex Research, 60(4), 498-507.
3. O’Kane, K. M. K., Goldberg, S. Y., Bouchard, K. N., & Dawson, S. J. (2023). Debunking desire: Sexual science, social media, and strategy in the pursuit of knowledge dissemination. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 52(3), 1087-1099.
4. Peixoto, M. M., Amarelo-Pires, I., Pereira, H., & Nobre, P. (2023). Solitary and dyadic sexual desire and sexual satisfaction in women with and without sexual concerns. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 49(1), 77-87.
5. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.
6. Rowen, T. S., & Goldstein, A. T. (2024). Sexual desire and pharmacologic management. Obstetrics and Gynecology Clinics, 51(2), 259-271.
7. Sims, K. E., & Meana, M. (2010). Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 36(4), 360-380.
8. Thomas, H. N., Brotto, L. A., de Abril Cameron, F., Yabes, J., & Thurston, R. C. (2023). A virtual, group-based mindfulness intervention for midlife and older women with low libido lowers sexual distress in a randomized controlled pilot study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 20(8), 1060-1068.
9. Wainberg, M. L., Muench, F., Morgenstern, J., O’Leary, A., Foote, J., Krupitsky, E., & Silverman, E. (2018). Prevalence and predictors of sexual problems among midlife Canadian adults: Results from a national survey. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 15(6), 873-879.

There is a place where most couples want to get and feel good about getting to, a place where most people would agree is what a wonderful long term relationship is all about. That lovely secure place is the feeling of comfort. Most couples would agree that it’s the small things that make the long- term relationship special. Shopping for groceries, fixing up the house, running errands together, doing laundry, waking up together, making breakfast, etc. You get the idea, it’s the day to day, simple little things we do that we get to do together in a long term relationship that makes it special, and yes, comfortable.

But, at some point comfort often lends its way to laziness, procrastination, taking our partners for granted, and recognizing that long term is a long time, and too often couples find themselves resting on their laurels. You know what I am talking about, “I am too tired,”  “I am not in the mood,” and “Tomorrow. Let’s do it tomorrow.” We begin to put off, what really should done today, until tomorrow. And, a lot of times, we know we are doing it, and we recognize that it might not be good for our relationship, but we can’t seem to break the pattern. Instead, we start worrying or wondering if our partner might be stepping out, and sometimes jealousy and insecurity kick in, creating an even more vicious cycle. We fall back on the comfort, but somewhere in the back of our minds is a sense of discomfort. So, the comfort is a safety zone, but something is missing. We know we must break the cycle of comfort, but it’s too easy of a pattern to fall into and after a while breaking the cycle is weird, awkward and even somewhat embarrassing. We get to know our partner really well emotionally and intimately and we forget to integrate our, re-integrate our sexuality. We intuitively know how but with so many other bridges build it feels like learning to walk all over again. And in many ways it is. It’s learning to walk down the sexual, sensual path with your intimate partner and confidante in a romantic way.

The good news is that it can be done, and it can actually be done fairly easily. And, guess what? You have the power to do it. It just takes a tiny little effort to say, “Yes,” instead of “Not tonight.” Yes, even if you are still angry, even if it feels weird, even if you are really not in the mood and don’t have the energy, learn to say, “Yes” to your relationship. It’s worth it, isn’t it?

I know what you are thinking. Easier said than done, right? Well, there is a way to get your needs met too, in the process. Communication has a lot to do with it. Yes, does not necessarily mean that the man must achieve a full erection, or the woman achieve a full arousal. “Yes,” does it even mean that intercourse has to occur, or orgasm has to be achieved. Yes, may mean kissing each other for 5 minutes, or taking off your clothes and lying together naked and just talking about your day. Yes, could mean taking a bath together, or just lighting some candles and breathing together. Yes, could mean reading erotic novels together or watching an erotic film, going to an adult store, or doing a sensual massage together. Yes, could mean talking about a fantasy or creating one together. Yes, can mean a non-sexual role-play that is still arousing. “Yes,” could mean mutual masturbation.

My point is that “Yes,” does not have to be sexual but that it should be sensual and arousing, exciting and fun, romantic and titillating, and it should be comfortable. Sometimes the thought of having to perform sexually with someone who has become our best friend, can seem down right daunting. You have permission to take it slow, and to take it where you want and need it to go. Your partner has permission to join along on the ride, with no expectations. No one has to have sex, no one needs to orgasm, just enjoy each other’s company in a sensual setting. I do however strongly recommend getting naked, and women this can mean slipping into something sexy first. I also recommend tuning off the TV, computers and cell-phones. Get creative, break the cycle not just of the comfort, but of your ideas of sex, sexuality and sensuality which contribute to the comfort default, the perceived comfort. Learn to connect in other intimate ways. It takes five minutes a day.

If you still feel like you are having troubles, there may be other roadblocks. Talking to a psychotherapist or sex therapist can always help.

The most common question I get in my work and sometimes from my friends is “Am I an alcoholic?” This is usually followed by “Does this mean I have to go into rehab?” or “Will I ever be able to have a drink again?”

I believe that treatment for addiction should be individualized to take into effect each person’s individual needs, complexity, and readiness to change. Every case is different. Sometimes the answer is undeniably complicated. I was trained to apply systematic screening and assessment in order to determine if alcohol abuse vs. dependence is present based on Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria and make treatment recommendations based on the American Society of Addiction Medicine placement criteria.

But sometimes I encounter cases of addiction that do not fit anywhere. After the tragic death of Amy Winehouse, there was a lot of speculation online—even by professionals in the addiction field—as to who was to blame. There was actually one article I read that seemed to imply that if she had been able to drink in moderation maybe she would still be alive. I honestly cannot comment on that either way.

Understanding the Harm-Reduction Model

I will say the harm-reduction model of treating addictions is not popular among people who advocate for abstinence as the only acceptable treatment outcome and people who support the 12-step program approach. Having worked at a methadone clinic for years and witnessed powerful positive change, I am not a big fan of one-size-fits-all treatment approaches, nor am I into labeling.

I have found one view on addictions very helpful for people who do not seem to fit the traditional medical model of addiction: the Stanton Peele approach. Here’s a summary of his view on addiction:

“Addiction is not unusual, although it can grow to overwhelming and life-defeating dimensions. It is not essentially a medical problem, but a problem of life. It occurs for people who learn drug use or other destructive patterns as a way of gaining satisfaction in the absence of more functional ways of dealing with the world. Therefore, maturity, improved coping skills, and better self-management and self-regard all contribute to overcoming and preventing addiction. Addiction is a way of coping with life, of artificially attaining feelings and rewards people feel they cannot achieve in any other way.” —Stanton Peele

[fat_widget_addiction_right]Of course, I think harm-reduction does not work for everyone. In fact, it can be detrimental to one’s recovery. But that’s a subject for another article. One area I find Peele’s theory to be applicable is in explaining how addiction and intimate relationships are so closely interconnected.

Jim always ends at the bar drinking after a fight with his wife. Anna’s drinking always gets out of control after a break up. John had experimented with pain pills on and off in college but did not get addicted to them until after the devastating loss of his long-time lover and best friend. Travis’s sex addiction gets worse after feeling rejected by a love interest.

In the words of one of the people in my therapy sessions, “I was lost before I found love. I was on a path of self-destruction with drugs, alcohol, and women; but with my wife I have found what I was always missing. I have been clean and sober since. Now I’m high on life.”

Addiction As a Way to Respond to Unsafe Relationships

By unsafe, I don’t mean physically violent—although that is the most obvious case. Unsafe means threatening to the ego as much as threatening to the body. What I’m talking about here is emotional safety. When we feel loved, accepted, nourished, protected, and part of someone else, we feel safe. That safety is often threatened when we feel unloved, not cared for, betrayed, lied to, yelled at, abandoned, neglected, rejected, and violated.

To understand where we are going, we have to understand where we came from.

Safety and the Primitive Brain

Let’s start with the evolution of the brain. In the base of our brain, we have the reptilian brain. We share this part of the brain with animals including alligators and lizards. The reptilian brain takes care of those things we don’t usually think about: heartbeat, digestion, and breathing. It also is concerned with survival, and if it’s dangerous, it will help us respond in one of five basic ways: fight, flight, freeze/play dead, submit, or hide. I also view these as the five basic survival skills of couples. Couples may fight, flee (leave), play dead (stare right through their partner), submit (OK, whatever you want, just stop the nagging!), or hide (go to another room).

On the other hand, if the reptilian brain is safe, we will do one of five things: play, nurture, mate, work, and be creative. Remember when you first met your partner? How you played, nurtured each other, and had more sex? Do you remember being more creative and productive at work?  As animals evolved, a second part of the brain developed called the mammalian brain. This brain developed when animals began to live in groups and take care of their young. This is the part of the brain where feelings are stored. That’s why most animals experience some feelings and live in groups.

Several million years ago, a third part of the brain developed: the cerebral cortex. In humans, this part of the brain is five times bigger than the other two parts combined and is where all logical processes happen: speech, writing, logic thinking, math, etc. The three parts of the brain work together simultaneously. If a tiger is coming at you, your logical brain says, “That’s a tiger,” your mammalian brain says “I feel scared,” and your reptilian brain says “Run!” or “Freeze!”

But in relationships, it is often hard to articulate or identify who or what the “tiger” actually is. We know something is not right, and we are left analyzing the behaviors we can clearly see but can rarely understand. How is it, for instance, that when Jim and Linda fight, he ends up getting drunk at the bar even though he knows that is not going to help the situation at home but only confirm Linda’s insults?

Sometimes fighting, fleeing, or hiding involves addictive behaviors—particularly sexual behaviors, but also gaming, internet addiction, and alcoholism. Often past experiences with these behaviors make a person more susceptible to restarting (if they have stopped) or increasing the frequency of these behaviors. This explains why people engage in addictive behaviors even against their logical thinking. It appears that the primitive reptile brain has taken over the cerebral cortex. This is why people logically know it doesn’t make sense to engage in behaviors that often make the already troubled relationship even worse. They are “thinking” with their primitive reptile brain, which often means they are not actually thinking at all.

Sometimes we are not simply chasing a drink or a drug. Sometimes using is a maladaptive way of coping with unsafe relationships. In this case, treatment should focus on the relationship and reestablishing safety more than on changing addictive behaviors themselves. I have found that establishing safety and learning to evoke mental images of safe places/mental states is crucial in learning to calm oneself and coping with highly stressful situations, which in return helps the addictive behavior dissipate.

In my opinion, this should also be the main focus of relapse prevention in more traditional addiction treatment.

References:

1. Clifford, R. (n.d.). From Reptiles to Humans: A Three Brain Odyssey. Retrieved from http://www.starchiefpress.com/articles/article42.html
2. Luquet, W. (2007). Short-term couples therapy the Imago model in action (2nd ed.). New York: Routledge.
3. Peele, S. (1990, March 14). Cures depend on attitudes, not programs. Retrieved from http://lifeprocessprogram.com/lp-blog/library/cures-depend-on-attitudes-not-programs/

For people who are dating or dealing with the starting and ending of intimate relationships, a certain question tends to arise… can ex-partners maintain healthy roles in each others’ lives? And if so, when, where, how, and (most obviously) why? Sometimes an ex’s role is clear; for example, a couple who has children together will most likely continue as co-parents in the event of a separation. Other post-breakup scenarios have less obvious answers. Exes can, often unintentionally, fall into dysfunctional roles in each other’s lives, such as a baggage-laden “friend”, convenient sexual outlet, or receptacle of lingering animosity. Deciding how to continue forward, together or separately, after a relationship dissolves can be tricky for anyone. However, for several reasons, this quandary appears to be particularly challenging for lesbians.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

First of all, gay women’s friends and lovers are typically the same gender, making boundaries around friendships and romantic relationships more flexible. This is a challenge unique to lesbian relationships, simply because women—of any sexuality—tend to forge their closest bonds with other women. The potential for any gay-leaning friend or acquaintance to become a lover adds a level of challenge and confusion to many lesbian social circles. It is very common for lesbian friendships to morph into a more intimate configuration for a period of time, changing the interpersonal patterns within their friendship group. If the romantic relationship ends, it is often natural for the former couple to try to return to being “just friends”. It may sound simple in theory, but the physical and emotional intimacy shared and corresponding bonds established are not easily severed. And it’s not always the most comfortable of arrangements for the exes or for the new partners involved, to say the least.

This leads to another issue contributing to lesbian post-breakup complications… both partners in the couple are guided by the emotional physiology of the human female. In heterosexual relationships, a hormonal balance is generally struck so that reactions may be tempered through differing intensities of experience and response to emotional stimulation. Meaning men are often less emotionally reactive whereas women tend to be more highly sensitive. When both partners in a couple are sensitive women, the resulting emotional intensity can create significant difficulty for the ex-couple.

An anecdotal social review suggests it is uncommon for lesbians to neatly pronounce the death of a relationship and simply move forward separately without looking back. This may be related to the neurochemistry involved; women experience much stronger effects than men of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, which promotes nesting, monogamy, pair bonding, and emotional extremes. This hormone is activated very easily; a single touch starts it flowing and further intimacy-creating activities (including sex) break the dam. So, two neurochemically typical women will naturally create very tight bonds which only break with great difficulty and emotional pain. Many women avoid completely detaching from an ex in an attempt to minimize the pain involved with a breakup.

An additional piece of scientific information helps explain the difficulty of intimate breakups between women. Brain researchers have discovered that emotional and sexual intimacy between individuals creates a physical connection in the brain which cements that relationship neurologically as a meaningful attachment. The evolutionary purpose of sexual contact and its related hormonal processes is to bond people together— and these hormonal and neurological operations are especially effective in women. So when a breakup occurs, the critical healing task is to break that physical bond of intimacy in the brain in order to move forward with emotional freedom and strength. While the bond remains in tact, so do the feelings associated with the loss of the bonded object: sadness, fear, anger, shame, and love. Again, women experience and process this connection more intensely than men do, so an intimacy bond between two women can be even more difficult to break. This phenomenon is evidenced by the number of lesbians who choose to keep their exes in their lives as friends or some permutation of such. Full severing of the intimacy bond requires physical and emotional distance, negative associations with the ex-partner, and forgiveness.These goals cannot be achieved with continued contact immediately after the breakup. Any true friendship or healthy continuation of contact is possible between exes only after the bond of intimacy is completely broken.

The conclusion to be drawn from this information is that after a period of separation and deep emotional healing, ex-partners may be able to occupy space in each others’ lives. Offered below are some healthy scenarios for continuing contact with an ex, with cautions to consider.

Exes as friends. Intimate relationships are typically based on a combination of shared interests and sexual chemistry. After the chemistry dies and the emotional intimacy vanishes, the shared interests will likely remain. Rather than avoiding the places, groups, and activities they both enjoy, exes may find it more convenient to develop a civil and friendly relationship with one another in order to be at peace when their paths cross. When an intimate relationship is lost, it can be additionally painful if a cherished social circle or activity is also affected. It may, in fact, be possible for exes to resume a functional friendship after each has thoroughly healed from the loss and resolved any lingering feelings related to the relationship or breakup.

Caution: Sharing interests with an ex may be possible, but emotional sharing or activities which may rekindle the bond of intimacy (read: substance use and/or amorous exchanges) are strictly to be avoided to keep things healthily platonic.

Exes as support. If a relationship ends constructively and sufficient time has passed for the emotional fallout to settle, continued contact with an ex may serve a purpose of support in times of need. This scenario can be tricky because, again, the support being offered cannot be emotional in nature. Sharing feelings is something to be done with intimates only, if healthy boundaries are desired. If, after recovering from a breakup, an ex-partner maintains residual concern for someone with whom she spent a significant time of her life, she may be psychologically prepared to help out during a time of need. It can be nice to have a connection with a caring individual in life, as the coming and going of hard times is a fact of human existence.

Caution: It is important for exes to monitor their feelings around their supportive interactions and regain personal space as needed to resolve any lingering emotions that might threaten their peace of mind or current relationship.

Exes as history. Intimates who have experienced important eras of their lives together are irreplaceable emblems in one another’s lives. Although they move forward on their life paths, retaining a connection with the past is something that can offer comfort and a sense of continuity along life’s long and winding road. Googling someone from long ago or occasionally checking in via email can be a perfectly reasonable way to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, reflect on the past, and gain perspective on the present.

Caution: When relationships begin to sour, human nature instinctively nudges people to reflect on the past with rose-colored glasses. It is helpful to be honest with oneself about the reasons for seeking re-connection with an ex to ensure one is not escaping from a problem in their current relationship or resurrecting emotions formerly associated with their ex.

Many people believe that negotiating intimate relationships is the crux of life’s purpose. The bonds of love and intimacy formed with others bear witness to the value of human interconnectedness. The memory of loved ones cannot easily be forgotten and, as mentioned above, new roles can sometimes be assumed once the intimate nature of a relationship has changed. These are tricky waters which require emotional strength and stamina to navigate successfully. Observing a new partner’s decisions around her relationships with exes can provide valuable information regarding her emotional needs, boundaries, and strengths. And noticing one’s own tendencies in this area can highlight areas of mental and emotional health and areas in need of attention. If personal growth and deep healing are desired, discarding exes as emotional crutches and severing outdated intimacy bonds will strongly support the goal of moving forward in a healthy, happy way.

It’s a classic. Of all the themes in the history of relational strife, the I’m Right, You’re Wrong story is by far the most common.

Like many things, we often take this argument for granted or overlook the magnitude of its influence. When couples enter into therapy together, it may be a hidden goal for each of them to convince their therapist that one of them is right and the other is wrong. They demonstrate this in many ways—either subtly or in more painfully blatant ways. By doing so, they hope to feel validated, and that feels good.

Being right gives you a rush of dopamine—the brain chemical associated with winning and victory. You may feel strong—even invincible. The problem with needing to be right is that if we hold it too tightly, it becomes a necessary component for feeling good in the relationship. Any time you are outsmarted, out-shouted, or out-whatever, you feel bad in the relationship. So if this is the game you’ve set up for yourself and for your partner, the relationship cannot logically thrive for both of you. When one is right, that partner is elevated to a higher power position and the other is knocked down a peg.

Effectively, this game creates division. We all want to be on the right side of the wall—not the wrong side. But that means your partner has to be on the wrong side. The more this dynamic is strengthened, the thicker that wall becomes, creating more division. You may feel nice and superior on your side of the wall, but you are drifting further and further from your partner. You become less connected, less caring, and may end up contributing less to the relationship.

[fat_widget_right]If you are convinced you are not the problem, and it is your partner that needs fixing, how does clinging to this belief affect the way you treat them or your attitude toward them? In therapy, I am never going to argue whether or not something is true. I am only interested in what works. What is it going to take for you to increase intimacy, compassion, and loving action in your relationship? I’m guessing that being right hasn’t worked so well in the past. Let’s try something different.

The first step will be to knock down that wall. After all, it isn’t made of bricks and mortar, but simply attitudes and beliefs that you alone are holding in place. How do you knock it down? Simply let go of it. Loosen your grip on it, and you will start to see it crumble. Let it go completely, and it will completely disappear.

One way to do this is to give your story a name or a title. The next time it comes up, say to yourself, “Here goes I’m Right, You’re Wrong again.” By doing this simple exercise, it creates a cognitive space between you and your thoughts about being right. It is the difference between being right and just being while having the thought about being right. It may not sound like a huge shift, but try it. You may find it makes a big enough difference that you are not compelled to react in ways that you might have when you were fused to your beliefs about being right.

Put down your weapons, and take off your armor. Nature has endowed us with the proclivity to feel protected and safe, so stripping your defenses may feel vulnerable and weird. This is the part where you have the uniquely human freedom to make an important choice. Many will take a quick look at the prospect of being unguarded and will clench their armor even more tightly. Being vulnerable means you might get hurt. But how do you expect to be intimate while swathed from head to toe in battle armor? Intimacy is best experienced naked—physically and emotionally. Vulnerability is an essential part of being open and deeply connected, and it’s a risk. There’s no other way, but once you make the choice to get naked—so to speak—the rest can be pretty fun.

It’s a pretty well known fact that ‘happily ever after’ is a concept that is often easier said than done. People still cling to and admire the ideals of a long-term commitment and marriage and with a little effort and cooperation many find that it is actually doable when they have both feet in the relationship, whilst others are finding that finding a new partner is sometimes just easier, and divorcing themselves from their partner and situation makes more sense. But with so much exposure to new and alternative ways of embracing marriage, more and more couples are ‘coming out’ so to speak, to embrace their sexuality by exploring alternative lifestyles within the marriage. Alternative lifestyles, also known as open relationships, are giving couples a third option, so to speak, when relationships need a little extra push to get up that hill.

So, what exactly are these alternative lifestyles and how do you know they are for you?

When I speak about alternative lifestyles I am talking about anything that deviates from the expected and usual monogamous, heterosexual marriage. Some lifestyles include the swinger lifestyle which is when a couple may choose to swap partners with another couple, threesomes/foursomes which may be in the form of polygamy or polyandry (marriage with more than one wife or husband, respectively) or just introducing a new member/s occasionally or on short term basis. LGBTQ lifestyles are another style where although married, one partner, or perhaps both parties have another partner of the same sex, or may be involved in a lifestyle as another gender, with another gender, etc..outside the marriage. The variations, labels and titles are endless.

These lifestyles differ from the norm because in general they introduce more people into an intimate space, either physical or emotional, and beyond what is generally viewed as the space of the dyad or couple, and hence referred to as ‘alternative.’ Sometimes these happen naturally. Sometimes the couple makes a decision to do this together based on other circumstances. They are not always the easiest of lifestyles and couples need to communicate openly and honestly to both get their needs met. Communication and cooperation are key here. Note: To me, cheating and infidelity do not qualify as an alternative lifestyle, although technically other people are involved. A healthy alternative lifestyle with your partner includes consent, honesty, and communication.

I’d like to refresh your memory a little on a little old study Dr. Helen Fisher, PhD did. She found that there were 3 stages of love. Basically they were Lust, Romance and Commitment. In the lust and romance phase things are exciting, passionate and the sex is great. In the commitment phase all the excitement and unrest leads to stability, security, things which are perfect for family raising, and often times also lack luster sex, especially when couples are comparing it to before. I call it the 2-year lull. Couples often start freaking out at this point and wonder what is wrong with them. Couples in the know recognize this is normal and find a way to flow through this time with continued efforts and this is also a time when many couples decide they may want to do something different or alternative to spice up the relationship.

How do you know if this lifestyle is for you? You have to be honest with yourself and your partner. If something doesn’t feel right or comfortable discuss it openly. If there is something that does interest you, discuss it with your partner and try to set as many ground rules as you can before proceeding as it can get a little complex out there. Getting more people involved means more emotions, personalities, time spent, so on and so on. Jealousy and insecurity happen too. So be realistic and don’t be afraid to speak up to your partner.

Setting ground rules is key. Things will come up while you are out there ‘mixing it up’ so having as many key words, and advance communication to help ease the situation will make it all the better.

One last thing to remember is that this lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and it’s okay if you’re not feeling it. A must read on the subject matter is “Ethical Slut,” by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt, if you are truly thinking about embarking on something new and adventurous with your partner.

“The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.”
– Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends”

AFFAIR  – The word that no married person ever expects or wants to hear. Though 90% of people surveyed say affairs are “wrong,” they are happening every day and in increasing numbers. Here are five facts that are important for married people to know about infidelity.

1. Estimates are that 25%-40% of women and 50%-60% of men will have an affair during the lifetime of their marriage.

Affairs happen for many reasons – we commonly hear:

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

• My needs were not being met – emotionally or sexually.
• I was bored, unloved or unappreciated.
• I tried to talk with him/her but things didn’t change; the change didn’t last.
• I felt hopeless and gave up trying.
• His work was more important than me.
• The kids were more important than me.
• He didn’t listen; He wasn’t affectionate; He didn’t make me feel special.
• She never wanted to have sex; Having sex was an obligation to her; I couldn’t make her happy; Nothing I ever did was good enough.

Then one day he/she starts talking with someone else of the opposite sex, at work, in the neighborhood, at the gym, on-line, in a chat room and shares the discontent in their relationship. The other person listens with empathy and shares dissatisfaction in his/her relationship. A bond, a sharing of intimacies and emotions; boundaries crossed, secrecy. An affair is born.

2. 85% of affairs begin in the workplace.

Think about the amount of time you spend with your spouse vs. the amount of time you spend with co-workers. Day after day, maybe 40+ hours a week, you and your colleagues share the ups and downs of work; you bond over projects, successes and difficulties at work. The close interaction, travel, and unavoidable closeness may lead to strong friendships and emotional attachments outside your marriage. The workplace provides opportunity and proximity to people outside your family. Women’s increasing entry into the workforce has correlated with a rise in the number of affairs women are having. It’s no wonder the workplace is the most common place affairs start.

3. Emotional infidelity can be as or more damaging to a marriage than physical infidelity.

Innocent flirting and office banter turns into lunch together, texting or emailing in off hours. Correspondence enters the personal realm and you begin to share intimate details about your life and relationship with this person. The secret feels exciting as you hide it from your spouse and rationalize that this is not “cheating” since there is no physical contact; but the emotional attachment you develop with this person can be devastating to your spouse. The more intimate the connection with someone outside your marriage, the deeper the head and heart bond with your spouse becomes compromised. A physical affair may not be far behind.

4. The internet, email, cell phones and Facebook have made it easier for people to cheat.

Curiosity about high school sweethearts, old flames from college and lost loves can be dangerous, especially when there is a drifting or emptiness in your marriage. Romantic memories, alluring and powerful, can lead you down a path of unexpected consequences. With the click of a mouse and the least harmful of intentions you search for an old love. Taking the next step by emailing or friending him/her on Facebook seems harmless enough. However this may begin an unanticipated cascade of dreamy feelings and thoughts. Not sharing this with your spouse can lead to an “accidental affair.” And for the record, flirting and sexual interactions through email, text, pictures and video are cheating.

5. After an affair, 65% of marriages end; 35% of couples continue the marriage.

For some people an affair is a deal breaker and the betrayed partner cannot fathom continuing the relationship under any circumstances. For some the affair is their ticket out of the marriage; the result of a string of events that is the final breaking point in a marriage. Then there are the couples who are uncertain or want to save their marriages after an affair; they end up in our office.

There is hope; some couples do survive and thrive after an affair is revealed. We strongly believe that with therapy, time, patience and work couples can journey together toward deepening their relationship and building a stronger, closer bond than they had before.

Even when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they love. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong “I am a bad person” feelings. As a result, we may avoid saying what is on our mind and put aside our own feelings and needs. This inhibiting of the self can be harmful to our relationships and can create the conditions for developing anxiety and depression.

Marlene, a 27 year old married woman, came into my therapy office feeling anxious and depressed. She described how unhappy she was in her marriage to Ben. She told me she loved her husband but was feeling like she was in a straight jacket. If she expressed a need that conflicted with his wishes, his feelings would get hurt. She couldn’t tell him that she didn’t want to play tennis with him every weekend or that she was tired of going out every Friday night with his friends from work. She explained to me that when she told him these things, he told her that she made him feel unimportant, criticized and pushed away. She felt ashamed that she was the cause of his feeling so terrible. She would apologize to him and try to keep her feelings to herself, but then she would attack herself and feel like a bad person. She was shutting herself down and feeling depressed. She also reported that when she was aware of a need that she felt she shouldn’t express to Ben, she would get anxious for fear that she couldn’t contain herself.

What Marlene described to me suggested that she had issues she needed to work on as an individual and that as we did this she would be more able to address the difficulties in her relationship with Ben.

While Ben might be particularly subject to feeling hurt or slighted, Marlene’s inability to tolerate hurting Ben and talk with him about these issues, made the relationship difficult. It also became apparent as I spoke with Marlene that she suffered in all of her relationships by worrying how she was impacting on everyone. She had never considered that we all hurt people, even those we love, unintentionally. She didn’t understand that it is impossible to be in a relationship without hurting those we love. When I suggested this to her, it didn’t make sense.  How could she possibly bear watching Ben be so hurt? She would have to give him what he wanted.

As Marlene and I talked, I wondered what made it so painful for Marlene to consider that something she said or did had the unintended consequences of hurting someone she cared about. I asked Marlene how she thought she got the idea that it was totally unacceptable to hurt someone she loved. We also explored Marlene’s idea that when someone feels hurt they are horribly harmed. Marlene thought my questions were strange. How could it not be painful to see someone you love hurting because of you? How could you not feel like a very bad person? Of course hurt causes terrible damage. I replied that it was appropriate to feel sorry or sad that you had been the cause of someone’s hurt, but that it didn’t have to make you feel like such a bad person. I said that you can’t always be sure how the hurt is affecting someone unless you are told or ask.  Each hurt is different. I said that these experiences could be talked about and the other person might be able to listen and understand the intent. I added that this was something she could work on with Ben.

Marlene considered my ideas with some skepticism. She remembered how her mother would get so hurt when she was little. She had one memory where her mother started to cry and tell her how hurt she was when Marlene didn’t like the dress she was given for her sixth birthday. She recalled how her mother told her how much Marlene hurt her feelings and how could Marlene not appreciate all the time and money her mother had spent to pick out such a perfect dress. Marlene remembered how scared she was when her mother was so distraught and how much shame she felt to have done such harm to make her mother feel that way.

Over the many months that Marlene and I continued to talk in therapy, she began to make connections between how her mother, on many occasions would be hurt if Marlene didn’t have the “right” response. She became clearer that she would do anything to ensure that she was not the cause of her mother’s distress. In fact, Marlene had given herself the job of making her mother happy. As Marlene became aware of this, she also began to realize that with her strong need to keep her mother happy and not cause her any hurt or distress, she had learned to overlook her own needs and desires, especially when they conflicted with what she knew her mother needed.

When Marlene talked about how she had learned to disregard her own wishes and squelch her own voice, she started to make connections to her behavior with Ben. Her fear of increasing Ben’s hurt when their needs conflicted, gave way to the idea that maybe she could talk with Ben about this. She recognized that Ben’s reaction when he was hurt was nothing like her mother’s intensely distraught response. Perhaps, there was a way for them to talk and negotiate and consider both of their needs.

In fact, Ben was surprised to learn that Marlene was scared to assert her needs for fear of hurting him. He told her that even though he felt hurt, he didn’t feel she had done any harm to him. He told Marlene that he didn’t think he was so fragile. He thought he could try to consider that when she expresses her needs, it didn’t have to mean that she was dismissing him. He told her he wanted to keep talking about this. He knew he could get hurt easily, but he didn’t want it to affect Marlene by causing her to inhibit her thoughts and feelings.

Marlene continues to come to therapy to work on becoming more comfortable expressing her own thoughts and feelings and dealing with her impact on those around her. She has gotten much better at dealing with conflict and asking for what she wants in the world. She is worrying less about being a bad person.  Marlene has become more tolerant of herself and more respectful of her right to say what she wants. She is increasingly able to say no to what someone she cares about wants and risk the possibility that they will feel hurt. As she is able to allow fuller expression to her true voice, she is feeling less anxious and depressed. She and Ben are doing better at talking with each other and they are much more able to address the conflicts between their needs in a constructive and loving way.

When we become overly interested and vigilant about the impact we have on others and design our behaviors to make sure they don’t have feelings we can’t tolerate, we are putting our authentic selves on hold. This denial of who we are causes us to build up feelings consciously and unconsciously. Preventing ourselves from expressing what we think and feel, and shutting up our true selves, puts us at risk for anxiety and depression. If we can learn to become more comfortable with how we impact others, and address what we think our impact is, instead of trying to control the other’s feelings, we will be promoting the development of our true selves.

If you read last month’s blog, Creativity vs Shadow, you will remember a brief mention of Deepak and Gotham Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes. In the book Chopra identified shadow as a “force of the unconscious that can be destructive, divisive and/or self-sabotaging if it remains unconscious”. Shadow is difficult to recognize because left to it’s own devices it remains unconscious. Shadow is a zapping energy that lurks in the area of emotional suffering caused to oneself or to another. The concept can be broadly applied to families, groups, religions, governments, countries, etc. if we consider them bodies of energy.

It is often easy to recognize someone else’s shadow energy because it is not unconscious to us. It is recognizable it in the behavior of someone who is ‘acting out’ or conversely, someone who appears emotionless. Pointing out someone’s shadow is often met with resistance because shadow is tenacious. It develops as a coping mechanism over time. It pulls vital energy to it to enforce its stronghold.

Shadow is often the very issue that brings someone into therapy, although they may not recognize that aspect of themselves when they begin therapy. They come to therapy because they are suffering in some way and are looking for relief. Often therapy provides relief by helping people to understand their part in their own suffering and to develop new strategies to cope with their emotions.

Art therapy is a powerful tool for helping to get in touch with shadow. Art therapy brings images out from the unconscious to the surface where they can be experienced and felt through the senses and processed verbally. Creative arts therapies can include painting, drawing, collage, movement, sound, video, performance art, writing, dreams, digital media: such as dating profiles, pornography choices, avatars, gaming environments, etc.

Therapists often try to help clients to transform their emotional suffering (shadow) into well-being (freedom) through awareness and change of behaviors that do not ultimately serve their goals. Many of the blogs here on Good Therapy.org provide examples of shadow work. For example: Darren Haber, MFT, Addictions & Compulsions Topic Expert Contributor wrote about The Abused Husband a topic that is gravely under-reported. In Haber’s scenario, the most obvious example of shadow resides with the abuser. The abuser often does not know how s/he gets caught in the cycle of abuse that often escalates and can become very dangerous. The abused person on the other hand, not only suffers the abusers wrath but s/he is not able to understand how to stop the cycle of abuse by recognizing their complicity in it. I realize that my statement may jar strong reaction. Abuse is a dynamic between people. Darren Haber’s blog also contains a subtle example of shadow in the Abused Husband scenario. It resides with the onlooker who “even pumped her fist happily as she watched the woman slapping her partner.” Shadow is present in any violent act, or superficial judgment against another. In this example the onlooker’s shadow was triggered. It is particularly difficult to unravel a dynamic of abuse when it involves people whose lives are closely bonded.

Shadow is the part of the self that most humans get glimpses of but ignore or deny in favor of a self-perception that is ‘inflated’ or in some cases ‘deflated’ by ego. Neither ego inflation nor ego deflation can be sustained without some form of destructive result. For example: Jim Hutt, Ph.D., Family Problems Topic Expert Contributor too Good Therapy.org recently wrote in his blog, Resentful Compliance vs Commitment about a relationship where one person is “resentfully compliant” by doing what their partner wants, while they are “resentful about doing it”. Resentment falls to shadow. The resentful person may say to themselves, “oh, it doesn’t matter that my partner is getting their way again, it’s no big deal”, (ego deflation) when in actuality, resentment grows into a big deal because their true feelings are denied. The result can often be passive-aggressive behavior. The other partner may think that there is nothing wrong with being persistent and that getting their way is a sign of strength (ego inflation). Oftentimes that ego inflation comes out of a profound fear and vulnerability. Most of the time, without realizing how they are complicit in the toxic environment of the relationship both parties continue to project their emotions out onto the other.

In therapy, the therapist encounters shadow in the painful experiences that their clients share. The therapist and client build a safe relationship where shadow can be explored. Shadow is very difficult work because of resistance. The outcome of examining oneself and facing what has happened in one’s life, however, gives a person freedom to create change and use the wealth of energy that was tied up in shadow.

I recently stumbled across a new blog called Infinite Daze where the author poignantly writes about her daily struggles with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).  In a recent post titled Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, she has this to say about her marriage:

“I had a revelation today. During my son’s graduation ceremony at his high school, my husband came up to me and squatted down next to my wheelchair to share a story with me. Without thinking I ran my hand over his hair and down his arm. I’m still in love with this guy. He can be very nice. He can be very sweet. I married him because of this. This is why I find his behavior so baffling. I’ve known this guy just shy of 25 years. That is a long time. The meanness, the temper tantrums, the spitefulness is all new. I’ve never seen this in him before. Living with someone for 25 years means this isn’t behavior that has been hidden away. It is brand spanking new. It is why I’ve been blindsided with it. I so didn’t see this coming. It also makes the whole idea of divorce so messy. If he was always nasty this would be a no-brainer. I would up and leave in a heartbeat. But he swings hot and cold. One day he is super nice to me; takes good care of me and even gives me hugs. The next day he is slamming doors and telling me he wants out. I am so very confused.”

Ever feel like you’re living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Your partner is warm, loving and compassionate one moment and angry, silent or indifferent the next.  What’s up with that? You’ve most likely rubbed your partner’s “raw spot.”

We all struggle with vulnerable feelings in love whether we want to admit it or not. It’s inevitable that we will hurt each other with careless words or selfish actions. While these occasions sting, the pain is often fleeting and we get over it quickly. But according to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, almost all of us have at least one hypersensitivity – a raw spot in our emotional skin– that is tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful.  When this spot gets rubbed often enough, it can bleed all over our relationship.

For those of us in chronic marriages, this hypersensitivity can emerge seemingly out of nowhere at the onset of our illness when the need for support from our partner is particularly intense, but it doesn’t come. When our need for attachment and connection is repeatedly neglected, ignored or dismissed, it results in two potential raw spots: feeling emotionally deprived or deserted/abandoned.

I know my raw spot rather well. When I hear a tone of impatience in my husband’s voice (chronic illness-related or not), I get angry and defensive. It sends me back to days when my father would dismiss me as not being important or worthy enough of his time. My father’s impatience was his way of disconnecting from the relationship. This experience made me hypersensitive – impatience signals emotional abandonment to me.

Many of us have no idea what our own raw spots are, let alone our partners’.  We simply get caught up in the same old vicious cycle of petty squabbles and conflicts when in actuality they are symptoms of a raw and tender spot on our emotional skin.

So how do you identify your raw spot?

Think about a time in your marriage when you got suddenly thrown off balance, when a small response or lack of response suddenly seemed to change your sense of safety or connection with your spouse, or when you got totally caught up in reacting in a way that you knew would spiral you into your usual dysfunctional pattern of relating. Maybe you are aware of a moment when you found yourself reacting very angrily or numbing out.

Let’s unpack this incident:

• What was happening in the relationship?  What was the trigger that created a sense of emotional disconnection for you?  What was your general feeling in the split second before you reacted and got mad or numb?  What did your spouse specifically do or say that sparked this response?
• As you think of a moment when your own raw spot is rubbed, what happens to your body?  You might feel spacey, detached, hot, breathless, tight in the chest, very small, empty, shaky, tearful, cold, on fire.
• What does your brain decide about the meaning of all this?  What do you say to yourself when this happens?
• What did you do then?  How do you move into action?
• See if you can tie in all these elements together by filling in the blanks below:

In this incident, the trigger for my raw feeling was _________.  On the surface, I probably showed _____________.  But deep down, I just felt (pick one of the basic negative emotions, sadness, anger, shame, fear).  What I longed for was ___________.  The main message I got about our bond, about me or my love was _________________.

Here are some common scenarios:

You experience a flare-up and it’s worse than usual. You are really struggling and looking for support and empathy from your husband.  He begins to suggest ways you can get your flare-up under control. You hear his suggestions as him lecturing you. In your head you say to yourself, “He’s judging me.  He’s not with me in this. I have to do this all on my own. My need for support doesn’t matter. This is scary”.  What happens next? You start yelling and tell him he’s a jerk and you don’t need his help anyway.

Or how about this scenario?

Your husband asks you to watch a movie with him on the couch after dinner. Your head is pounding from a migraine and you tell him you’re tired and going to bed. The next morning you ask him if a certain outfit looks good on you. He says “it’s OK but since when does my opinion really make a difference here? Wear what you want. What I want is irrelevant.” Still stuck in feelings of rejection from the previous night, his sadness over lack of connection with you force him into withdrawal and giving you the silent treatment.

In both scenarios, rage and withdrawal mask the emotions that are central in vulnerability: sadness, shame, and most of all, fear.

If you find yourself continually stuck in an unhealthy pattern of relating with your spouse, you can bet it is being sparked by attempts to deal with the pain of a sore spot, or more likely, sore spots in both of you. And unfortunately, your raw spots almost inevitably rub against your spouse’s. Rub one in your spouse, and his or her reaction often irritates one in you.

What’s the dead giveaway that tells you your raw spot or your spouse’s raw spot has been hit?

First, there is a sudden and radical shift in the emotional tone of the conversation. You and your spouse were joking just a minute ago, but now one of you is upset or angry, or, conversely, aloof and cold. You are thrown off balance. It’s as if the rules changed and no one told you.

Second, your spouse’s reaction to a perceived offense seems way out of proportion.

These signs are all about attachment needs and fears popping up. They are all about our deepest and most powerful emotions suddenly taking over. We get set to move in a particular way, toward, away from, or against our spouse. This readiness to act is wired into every emotion. Anger tells us to approach and fight. Shame tells us to withdraw and hide.  Fear tells us to flee or freeze, or in real extremes to turn back and attack back. Sadness tells us to grieve and let go.

All this happens in a nanosecond.

Stopping these destructive patterns depends not only on identifying and stopping our unhealthy ways of relating but also on finding and soothing our raw spots and helping our spouse to do the same.

Here’s how you do just that:

1. Stop the Game – one or both of you has to say “Can we stop this?  This is the place we always go.  We get trapped here and we end up totally exhausted and defeated.”
2. Claim Your Own Moves – together come up with a short summary of your moves.  e.g. you lose it while your spouse pretends not to be affected; you get louder and threaten; your spouse sees you as impossible and withdraws.
3. Claim Your Own Feelings – talk about your own feelings rather than focusing on your spouse and blaming everything on him/her.
4. Own How You Shape Your Partner’s Feelings – Recognize how your usual way of dealing with your emotions pulls your spouse off balance and turns on deeper attachment fears.
5. Ask About Your Partner’s Deeper Emotions – Look at the big picture and slow down a little.  Begin to be curious about your spouse’s softer, underlying emotions, rather than just listening to your own hurts and fears and assuming the worst about your spouse.
6. Share Your Own Deeper, Softer Emotions – Although voicing your deepest emotions, especially fears around not being connected or attached to your spouse, may be the most difficult step for you, it is also the most rewarding.  Let your spouse see what’s really at stake when you argue.
7. Stand Together – Take the above steps and forge a renewed and true partnership.  You now have a common ground and cause.  You no longer see each other as enemies but allies.  You can take control of escalating negative conversations that feed your insecurities and face those insecurities together.

Content for this article has been adapted from the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson.