When parents view their child’s “problematic” behavior, attitudes, or troubles as a reflection of them, it can be a terrible blow to the ego. For parents with positive self-feelings, anger, hurt, and disappointment can occur when they don’t see themselves reflected in their children. (“My child should be just like me.”) For parents who do not feel very good about themselves, seeing a child as being “just like me” can feel devastating. Parents who lack self-esteem often feel like their child’s problems are their fault. Their inability to differentiate themselves from their children can also result in guilt and painful feelings of responsibility that are often overstated and inaccurate. Many parents who struggle with the idea that their child is a reflection of them (for better and worse) have not separated from their children. These parents tend to feel some responsibility for their child’s situation. Most often they believe that, either in their early behavior with their children or in their biological contribution (or both), they have profoundly affected their child’s life and character.

“Peter” came to his therapy session in a rage about “Adam,” his 25-year-old son. He had just come from his son’s apartment and was disgusted about the dirt and disarray he encountered: “What is the matter with that kid? He’s such a slob. There is stuff everywhere. It feels so chaotic! I have the same feeling when I think about how he gets drunk with his friends on the weekend. He’s a mess!”

When I asked Peter what made him so angry about this, he began to express remorse about being so enraged. Choking up, he said, “I guess I’m really hurt. I feel like Adam is being disrespectful to me. He knows I hate his messes and his drinking behavior. I feel like he’s on a terrible path of disorganization and disaster. I keep asking myself, ‘How did he turn out this way?’ ”

I asked Peter what he thought about why Adam was like this. “I don’t really know,” Peter said. “But I honestly believe it’s my fault. You know I was a terrible workaholic during Adam’s first 10 years. I neglected him when he was growing up. Then I think, if I was a workaholic, will he be an alcoholic? I know I made him this way. I’m a mess of a father.” Peter was tortured by his painful feelings and disappointment that his son hadn’t turned into the ideal adult that Peter wished he could be.

Over time, as we explored Peter’s feelings, it became apparent that he put all the responsibility for the person Adam was at age 25 on himself. He found it very difficult to see Adam as a separate individual with his own reasons for behaving the way he did. Slowly, Peter was able to consider that his influence hadn’t only been negative and that he wasn’t the only influence on Adam’s development. Adam’s mother was nurturing; Adam had many friends growing up. Peter could even recall some teachers who were influential in Adam’s life. He acknowledged, for example, that a high school teacher had encouraged Adam to stay with his music, and Peter admitted that Adam was a successful musician.

“I guess I haven’t focused enough on Adam’s successes, just on the ways I see him as a failure and blame myself,” Peter said. “Sometimes I still think that maybe Adam is punishing me when he messes up in ways he knows I hate. I guess I really have to admit that it isn’t all about me. Adam is a different person from me. It’s just hard to be OK with that. But I do want to get there. I know that would be best for our relationship.”

Peter is slowly beginning to separate from Adam and experience Adam’s successes and failures as more about Adam than him. He is also beginning to take Adam’s character and behavior less personally. Giving up the idea that “it was all my fault” makes space for Peter to see Adam as a separate individual.

“Rose,” another client, began to talk about her 10-year-old daughter, “Jessica,” in our therapy sessions.  Rose was obsessed with worry that Jessica, who had learning disabilities, would never have a successful life. She said with some sadness: “Her brain is damaged. How will she ever be OK?”

“What do you mean, ‘Her brain is damaged’?” I asked.

“You know that we had her tested and she has so much trouble focusing and organizing her thoughts,” she responded.

“Yes, I know she has some learning disabilities, but seeing her as ‘a person with a damaged brain’ seems a rather extreme way of defining your daughter,” I said.

“I sort of know what you’re saying is true,” she said. “But you know I had learning disabilities as a kid. No one identified them; no one did anything about it. I still struggle at work and in my life in general with being focused and organized. I get so depressed and anxious when I forget things or don’t get stuff done like I promise my husband or my boss. I know my brain is messed up, and Jessica is just like me. Why would I think her fate is going to be any different?”

Rose had a very strong belief that biology was determining her future as well as her daughter’s. She was reluctant to consider that her daughter’s life could take a different path from hers. She had a difficult time thinking about Jessica as a separate person with her own unique characteristics. I reminded her that she and her husband had been addressing Jessica’s learning problems and getting help for her. I also pointed out that this was very different from her own experience growing up. I emphasized that there are many influences other than biology that influence a person’s development. I also asked Rose to tell me anything she could think of about Jessica’s accomplishments. We both listened to the list Rose came up with: “Great piano player, really good artist, hula-hoop champion, kind person, good swimmer, and I guess other stuff, too.” Rose reluctantly acknowledged, “Yes, I suppose her brain works OK in some ways.”

Rose and I spent a lot of time talking not only about Jessica, but also about Rose’s negative sense of self. It was harder for her to take seriously that she has her own accomplishments. It was even more difficult to consider that Jessica was like her in some ways and not others. (Rose is a terrible artist and swimmer!) Our work has centered on Rose’s struggle to experience herself in positive ways and on seeing Jessica as a separate, differentiated individual. We have also been talking about how painful it is to see your child have areas of deficit, and even worse when you feel you are the cause. Helping Rose to talk about her impaired sense of self and its development has allowed her to make distinctions between her own experience and Jessica’s. I have tried to help Rose consider that while there could be some biology at work in regard to Jessica’s learning disabilities, so much more than being “just like me” is involved in what makes Jessica who she is.

We are familiar with parents feeling great pride in how they played a role in their children’s successes. But when parents boast incessantly about their children’s accomplishments to the extent it doesn’t feel like typical parental pleasure, we typically consider them to be narcissistic. For Peter and Rose, their great dismay in what they perceived as their children’s deficits, problems, and failures was also narcissistic.

The term narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, in which Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection in a pool. The notion of reflection is pertinent to the experiences of Peter and Rose. Rather than experiencing narcissistic pleasure, these distraught parents experienced a narcissistic wound. They couldn’t tolerate the pain of looking into the pool (i.e., at their child who also represents the parent) and seeing something that is not “beautiful” reflected back. When they looked at their children, they saw a reflection of themselves. It was intolerable that the reflection they saw was “a mess” or had a “damaged brain.” It was not “beautiful.”

These parents are responding narcissistically, and they have not differentiated themselves from their children. One has to wonder how parents, who view their children as reflections of themselves, may have influenced their child’s separation/individuation process. As parents become more aware that their beliefs that their children are or are supposed to be “just like them” are assumptions, they will be in a better position to examine those beliefs. As a result, parents will experience less pain, and their children will be helped to develop into separate, unique individuals.

What was once considered a rarity—step-siblings, step-parents, and step-in-laws—has become more common than not. When couples marry, there is a very good chance that one of them brings an extended family that branches by halves and steps. And if that couple winds up divorcing, the tree splinters even further. Because there is no biological bond that obligates a step-family member to stay in contact with other steps, the rules of engagement can be confusing and tense. In a recent article, marriage experts explain how to navigate the rocky road of step-relationships after divorce.

Take, for example, the case of an ex-wife who spent decades raising her step-children. Should she continue the relationship with these nonbiological children, even though she has no legal claim to them? Mary T. Kelly, a marriage therapist from Colorado, notes that often step-children can be a contributing factor to divorce. Many blended-family parents disagree over how to raise his, hers, and their children. Tension that exists between step-children and step-parents seems like normal childhood rebellion, but in many cases may actually run deeper.

Paul Hokemeyer, a New York therapist, says couples and children need to determine if they want those relationships to continue after divorce. Many children may not be permitted to make contact with their ex-step-parents while they are minors, but can make the choice whether to have a relationship with that significant person when they reach adulthood. Even step-grandparents get caught in the mix when step-families divorce. Grandparents who become attached to step-grandchildren, only to have them taken away, may not be willing to invest as much into future step-family members.

One Massachusetts psychologist, Patricia Papemow, recommends that clients try to initiate contact through letters rather than personal visits or phone calls. It is important for step-children to be allowed to have time to process the shift in the relationship on their own terms. Letting them know a step-parent is there through cards and letters is a noninvasive and subtle way to continue contact and keep the door open for future communication. Regardless of how an individual chooses to stay in contact with their step-children, Hokemeyer insists that they review their motives so that all parties will be receptive. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate,” Hokemeyer says. Following these tips could help step-exes maintain important family ties in a world of ever-changing family dynamics.

Reference:
Gootman, Elissa. When branches tangle in a stepfamily tree. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 3 Oct. 2012. Web. 8 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

There are many parallels between living with a disability and dealing with an uninvited house guest. If you have ever had an uninvited house guest, I am sure you remember moments when things may have been uncertain and, at times, tense or uncomfortable. At the very least, having an uninvited guest requires some adjustments, much like living with a disability.

An uninvited guest may arrive unannounced, leaving no time to plan or prepare. Likewise, in many cases people living with disability have little or no time to plan for the many changes to come. While there may have been no way to prevent the disability and requisite life changes, having time to prepare—psychologically and literally—can make a huge difference in a person’s ability to adapt and cope.

A period of psychological adjustment is required for a person who has a disability, his or her spouse/partner, parents, and other family members. The adjustment process people frequently talk about resembles the grief process in many ways. Like the grief process, people often experience feelings in what seem to be stages. Similar to the grief process, this adaptation process usually begins with a period of denial.

Denial
In my work with couples and families living with multiple sclerosis, I often hear concerns that one person seems to be “stuck in denial.” To people who have moved through the initial denial stage, it may seem as if their loved one is not progressing as quickly as others. The truth is, different people work through this period of adjustment differently, and it takes as long as it takes. The denial stage usually happens at the time of diagnosis or disability, and may come up again at other times. For example, in a progressive illness, if one begins to lose mobility or other limitations arise, the initial stage of the adjustment process may be triggered again.

It may seem clear to a caregiver/partner or family member who has been helping someone walk even short distances that a mobility device is needed (cane, walker, scooter). For the person who is having mobility difficulty, admitting that it is time to talk to a doctor about a mobility device may affect his or her identity, hope for recovery, or future progress. If so, working through the denial and bargaining, and then later stages of adaptation, may be necessary. It is not unusual to see all members of the family triggered by new developments that start the process over.

Denial is believed to be a protective measure that prevents us from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Denial slows down the process of coping with traumatic events, giving us more time to psychologically prepare ourselves for the onslaught of feelings. The process of denial, known as a defense mechanism, should not be rushed or sabotaged by well-meaning loved ones who are at a different place in the adaptation process. Doing so can cause the person who needs more time to become emotionally overwhelmed without the necessary skills to cope effectively.

Coping skills: A person with disability and his or her family members should try to be empathetic and understand things from the perspective of others. Be honest, but gentle, about your perceptions. Choose the time to discuss these issues carefully—not when either of you are tired, frustrated, or angry. Always talk to your loved one(s) before bringing up concerns with doctors or other professionals.  Caregivers and family members should keep in mind that their needs are important, too. Take care of yourself and make sure you have plenty of support. When children are involved, be very careful what and how you share information with them. Children need to hear things based on what is appropriate for their age and stage of development. Ask for guidance from a professional if you are unsure how much to tell children or how to talk to them about disability.

Bargaining
The stage that usually follows denial is bargaining. During this time, people often are looking for second opinions, alternative therapies, and other remedies. It can also be a time when we promise the gods that we will turn our lives around if given a second chance without the disability or diagnosis.

It is true that finding the best medical providers, keeping a positive outlook, and staying informed of new research and possibilities is important. However, this can also be a time when people are vulnerable to scams and false promises. Unfortunately, there are a lot of companies and people who offer products and services that guarantee outcomes without doing the necessary research required to back up those assurances.

It is a good idea to check out any new or experimental treatments carefully before trying them—particularly if there is a large commitment of money, resources, or time involved. Check with local and national nonprofit organizations that provide services to people with your specific issue or health challenge. Agencies such as the National MS Society, American Cancer Society, and others often have information about ancillary and alternative therapies. They may be able to send you information or answer your questions.

Coping skills: Make decisions together based on facts. Find local and national organizations that you trust to support you and provide well-researched information. Be sure that any second opinions or ancillary providers have access to all the information you have from other providers. In some cases, taking medications or treatment without being fully aware of how they interact with your other treatment can be life-threatening. Make a commitment to fully investigate any new or experimental treatments before deciding to try it. Ask for and check references when appropriate. Verify the credentials of all providers before visiting them. At some point, you may have to accept a new reality that you had not planned for and do not welcome. If you have prolonged difficulty coping with the diagnosis or prognosis, find support from a professional or support group to help you with the transition.

Over the next few months, I will explore additional aspects of disability, how it affects the lives and relationships of the people involved, and ways of coping with these situations. If you have ideas to share about how you have effectively coped with any of the situations presented, please join the discussion by leaving comments below. Likewise, if you have questions, feel free to ask for input from others who read the blog.

Marriages aren’t like fine wines. They are not harvested in vineyards and they do not always get better with age. However, many marriages far exceed any expiration date. According to a recent article by Matt Richtel, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer and columnist, modern marriages—which divorce at rates upward of 50%—may benefit from an exit strategy after, say, five, 10, or 20 years. Richtel said that many marriage contracts already exist. Prenuptial agreements are rampant among the wealthy, some couples who live together make paperless commitments to each other, and many celebrities and politicians have legalized business/marriage agreements. In fact, the idea of contractual marriage has been picked up in Mexico, where lawmakers recently introduced the idea of renewable marriages. Good idea or bad, the law didn’t pass.

But should it have? Should the institution of marriage be updated to keep pace with other cultural advances in areas such as medicine and technology? This was the question that Richtel asked several marriage therapists, psychologists, and divorce attorneys. The responses were varied. Author and professor Pepper Schwartz commented that marriage has been getting picked apart for decades and needs to be fully examined. Today’s marriages have less connection to religion and family, which creates a weaker support system, and modern technology encourages people to expect instant gratification from marriage. Schwartz said something like a 20-year marriage contract is an option, and that nuptial contracts including dowries and financial arrangements are not new.

Dr. Robert E. Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, says the problem with marriage is the expectation of longevity that it comes with. Children of divorced parents bear the immediate emotional devastation of losing one parent, or having their family rhythm disrupted. If the possibility of divorce was anticipated, and marriages were not supposed to last past a certain point, it would be more culturally acceptable and emotionally tolerable. Emery says the best way to approach marriage is to understand that it is not a union filled with unlimited sex with someone who is beyond perfect, but rather an investment of every available resource that can reap emotional, sexual, and physical rewards. “There are good reasons to be romantic about marriage,” Emery said. “The big benefit of marriage is precisely the commitment over the long term.”

Reference:
Richtel, Matt. Till death, or 20 years, do us part. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 28 Sept. 2012. Web. 1 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/30/fashion/marriage-seen-through-a-contract-lens.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

People in their 20s seem to have it all: youth, energy, health, and looks. But they are also still figuring themselves out, and this time of change can bring certain mental health concerns as well. Experts have information on these issues that tend to impact people in their 20s, and provide some solutions for addressing and coping with these problems.

Clinical psychologist Dean Haddock, a marriage, family, and child counselor and the executive director and founder of Community Counseling and Psychological Services, points to a fairly common activity of 20-somethings that can lead to mental health issues if it’s not checked: alcohol and drug use.

“The first problem that leads to many others is alcohol and chemical abuse, which often leads to dependency,” Haddock said in an email. “The mental disorders that follow are often depression, anxiety, and brain injury. Of course, self-esteem and body-image problems often lead to eating disorders.”

Haddock gives three tips to help people in their 20s prevent and get through some common mental health concerns:

1. Know your genetic history of mental disorders. Knowing is half the battle to avoid those disorders in yourself.
2. Be choosey about your friends, as they will influence your decisions. Healthy friends lead to healthier decisions.
3. Self-esteem is often the result of the people who matter to you. If they do not esteem you, then you will not esteem yourself.

Nerina Garcia-Arcement, a clinical psychologist and clinical assistant professor at NYU School of Medicine, suggests that the many life changes people experience in their 20s can cause mental health issues at times.

“Your 20s are filled with life transitions that can be stressful,” Garcia-Arcement said. “This is a time when young adults are solidifying their personalities, developing their independence from family, starting or finishing college, beginning new jobs, developing a career, forming romantic relationships, and learning to manage their existing family relationships and friendships within these context.”

“Individuals in their 20s don’t have a lifetime of experience to draw on when managing multiple life transitions at once,” she added. “When someone experiences these transitions, anxiety and depressive disorders can occur.”

Here are six of Garcia-Arcement’s tips to help people in their 20s cope with mental health issues more common to that age group:

1. Seek out and form strong support networks.
2. Seek out others who are going through similar experiences and share your feelings, whether you are feeling worried, nervous, scared, sad, confused, or excited.
3. Know that you are not alone in your confusion about your career and relationships.
4. Seek out mentors who have achieved their goals, and ask for advice.
5. If you are feeling stress, sadness, or anxiety, engage in activities that will help you manage those feelings such as yoga, meditation, exercise, hobbies, social activities, relaxation exercises, and deep breathing.
6. If you feel you are not getting the necessary support and feel overwhelmed or depressed, seek out mental health professionals who can help you manage the feelings related to your life transitions.

Stephanie Sarkis, a licensed mental health counselor, said in an email that anxiety and depression are some of the main mental health issues 20-somethings face.

“We have seen an increase in these issues due to the lagging economy and difficulties finding employment,” Sarkis said. “Many people in their 20s have moved back in with their parents, which can trigger feelings of failure and frustration.”

Dr. Maiysha Clairborne, a family physician and wellness and stress management coach, added in an email that eating disorders associated with body dysmorphic disorder and body-image issues are also common for people in their 20s. She has three overall tips for people in this age group:

1. Talk to someone. The worst thing that a person can do when they are feeling depressed, anxious, or alone is to isolate more. Many times when we talk with someone we trust about what’s going on, we come to realize that we are not the only ones experiencing it and then we can get support.
2. Get active. Staying physically active not only helps to keep the body fit but also helps release endorphins and serotonin in the brain, which help keep the mood elevated. Physical activity is also a good release for stress and anxiety.
3. Minimize sugar and junk food. Sugar and processed junk foods can worsen the emotions of stress, anxiety, and depression because they cause erratic changes in your body’s blood sugars. This can disrupt the normal release of hormones in the brain that keep your moods stable.

Scott Carroll, a psychiatrist with dual board certifications in adult and child and adolescent psychiatry, said there are many issues specific to people in their 20s, including problems associated with medication use.

“Many people were on stimulants/meds for their ADHD when they were younger, but they thought it was okay to stop their meds when they were done with school,” Carroll said. “Now they are struggling at work and don’t know why. I’ve also seen young adults stop all kinds of meds like their thyroid meds because they didn’t know why they were even on it, and then they have all kinds of problems.”

Bad habits involving drug and alcohol use can start to become a major substance abuse issue when people are in their 20s, and other mental health issues start coming to the forefront at this time in peoples’ lives. Examples include bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Also, panic attacks can start for people who have a genetic predisposition and who have higher amounts of stress associated with newfound adulthood.

“The 20s are an important time of social/emotional development,” Carroll said. “Unlike previous generations, identity formation often takes the entire 20s due to the complexity of modern society. It could be said that adolescence lasts until the early 30s in today’s society due to [prolonged] periods of education (grad school, law school, med school, etc.), lack of stable job options, and delays in getting married and starting families.”

Carroll, who is also an assistant professor at the University of New Mexico School of Medicine, suggests that when it comes to serious relationships and marriage, people in their 20s should consider how their choices could eventually affect their mental health and how their brain plays a part in their decision.

“Many 20-somethings are tempted to get married, but it is generally a bad idea because the brain in not done developing until about 25 [years old] … which leaves young adults vulnerable to having their rational mind be overwhelmed by their feelings or stress,” Carroll said. “Relationship choices often dramatically change from the early 20s to the late 20s, so many people find that the person that was perfect at 22 is a disaster at 27.  This can be an incredibly hard transition, to have to break up with your former soul mate that you thought you’d love for life because you’ve changed so much over the last several years.”

Related articles:
Do I Have a Healthy Relationship With Food and My Body?
Social Anxiety Can Be a Hidden Problem in College
How Schools Could Prevent Depression

With the advent of easy plane travel, many larger businesses have grown to include regional, national, and even international customers and work sites. People who work at the higher levels of industries often find their jobs are not done just at their desks, no matter how well connected they are electronically. Business relationships, decisions, and inspections can’t all be done without physically being on-site, and long-distance and extended travel are part of the job.

You may look upon that lifestyle with envy. Well, don’t. Having worked with dozens of families and couples who have held jobs like this, I can tell you, from their experience, that these jobs can take a very heavy toll on satisfying family relationships. Before you make that big job your goal, I hope you’ll first consider what it can demand from your life.

1. Physical toll: Traveling is exhausting no matter what class of seat you have on a plane. When you travel, your body is in a constant state of adjustment to different food, water, accommodations, climate, work expectations, and time zones. Any kind of steady, healthy patterns of sleep, exercise, nutrition, and relationships are interrupted, and it’s rough to try to keep up with good health habits somewhere else.
2. Exit/reentry transitions: Life keeps moving on in your home, despite the traveler’s schedule. When you’re trying to pack, with your mind on the journey ahead, the family may feel your absence even while you are still home. Arriving home can be worse, as you’d love to be welcomed home with excitement, while the one who has been at home may want nothing more than to be relieved of the additional responsibilities he or she has been shouldering.
3. Parenting patterns: When one parent in a family travels for work, the remaining parent has to temporarily become a single parent. Leadership around finances, yard work, car repairs, play dates, and school assignments have to shift to the parent who is home. Children can get accustomed to the traveling parent being the “fun” one who comes home with gifts and days off, leaving the at-home parent as the disciplinarian and enforcer, who becomes used to making parenting decisions solo.
4. Emotional isolation: After spending enough days of the month away from home, it becomes very easy to live two lives: one on the road and the other at home. Even with regular phone, text, email, and Skype connections to those at home, the relationships that develop with those who share the travel with you can become more real to you than the ones you leave behind. Isolation, prestige, repetition, or intensity of the shared work adds to that other-worldliness. It’s at this level of isolation that I have seen long-term affairs, addictions, mood disorders, and health issues surface. These issues are not easily or often repaired.

Human relationships need physical proximity, regular conversation, shared patterns of caregiving, humor, health, and equality to thrive. Trying to have all these while traveling for a job is like trying to juggle three balls when all you’ve ever managed were two. If you are struggling with any or all of these issues as a family or couple, I encourage you to reach out to a family therapist in your area, who can help you manage the human challenges of traveling this much. While it’s not impossible to thrive, it is tough. Best buckle up. The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.

We all experience losses, big and little, throughout our lives. When enduring a big loss, people fall into patterns that may be considered masculine or feminine ways of reacting.

Men and women tend to process their losses differently, but the way they grieve is affected by many other factors besides gender, such as culture, personality, and temperament. Grief and loss are experienced in unique ways by each individual.

A generalization about gender differences in grieving would be that men tend to focus on feelings of guilt and anger. They are likely to spend more time thinking than feeling. They also tend to act independently rather than rely on others.

Women typically need more support and are expressive with their emotions, which is behavior we tend to associate with grief and loss. However, there is no cookie cutter approach to mourning. In recent years, experts like Kenneth Doka, PhD, have recategorized these types as intuitive and instrumental grief.

Intuitive grief can be associated with our generalizations of the way that women grieve, which includes the following:

• Strong, affective reactions (waves of powerful emotions)
• Expressions that mirror feelings (more like an open book)

Moving forward involves exploring and expressing feelings, progressing through the pain in order to heal.

Instrumental grief can be associated with the masculine way of grieving, which includes the following:

• More thinking than feeling (an inward, quiet process, less expression of emotions)
• Being physical, expressing grief through doing something (I could not fix my son, but
  I can fix this broken fence)

So how do you help someone who doesn’t want to talk or ask for help?

• Use logical analysis—figuring out problems by breaking them down into manageable steps (to be less overwhelming)
• Gather information—on new roles (in your household, family, work, etc), supports, faith, to do lists, etc., in order to start implementing
• Use humor—It has much of the same release as crying does, and it’s still okay to laugh
• Provide diversions/distractions—list all supports and assign them to categories
  • Good doers (who could take care of the pet, get the paper, etc.)
  • Good listeners
  • Good respite (who could take a break from the grief and will not ask you about your loss)

Instrumental grievers would benefit more from groups that focus on a how-to (like being a single parent), adventure based, informal or educational, than a traditional support group.

Like any other model for grief, there are several tools you can use with variations for each person. There are always ways to help. You can start by figuring out which support is needed and offer it. And if you need help, ask for what you need. Just know that there is never a wrong way to grieve.

The word bridezilla has become an oft-used part of our lexicon, and many people who have never been married are confused by the panic and stress that seems to surround wedding planning. But a newly engaged couple quickly learns that the stress of wedding planning is not the overexaggerated fantasy of people who simply have no stress tolerance. Wedding planning is stressful for almost everyone, and yet people never stop to think about why this is. Here’s what is really going on.

Expectations vs. Reality
A wedding is a major rite of passage, and many people—especially women—have been raised to expect their wedding to be a perfect fairy tale. But nothing can be perfect, even a wedding, and the drive for perfection can be profoundly stressful and emotionally fraught. Many people use their wedding as an opportunity to take stock of their lives so far. If they can’t afford a dream wedding, they may feel like failures. Some people have a specific list of things they intended to do before they got married. No matter how unreasonable this list might have been, unfulfilled dreams can still cause stress when you’re planning a wedding.

A Stressful Engagement
The time before you get married should be one of the happiest, most romantic times in your life. Instead, many people spend this period frantically planning a wedding, stressing about finances, and fretting over guest lists. Wedding planning can cause you to pull away or turn on your future spouse, and constant planning certainly eliminates any opportunities for romantic time together. Thus some people arrive at their wedding day feeling pretty humdrum about their future marriage and pretty frustrated with the process that got them to the altar.

Finances
Disagreements about money are among the most common marital problems. When surveyed, people indicate that financial problems are one of the biggest stressors in their lives. Weddings are expensive, with the average wedding in the United States costing well over $30,000, so it’s no wonder people can be driven to a state of panic by weddings. Couples frequently must make huge sacrifices, compromise with their parents, and work extra hours to get the money to pay for their weddings, and all of this effort can take a toll.

Requests of Others
Many newlyweds report that it wasn’t the wedding planning itself that was stressful. It was the constant pressure, opinions, and criticism from other people, such as the mother who’s enraged that you’re keeping your maiden name or the father who insists on a traditional wedding ceremony. A wedding frequently puts the differences between parents and their children on full display. Many engaged couples worry about their parents making snide remarks just before their wedding, or spend the entire time they’re engaged bending over backward to please their parents, only to find out that nothing they do is enough.

Relying on Others
No matter how much you might want it to be just you and your fiancée, a wedding is a group event. From bridesmaids to florists, officiants to flower girls, you must coordinate with many people, not all of whom will be cooperative. Trying to get everyone to understand your vision for your wedding can be like herding cats. And even simple tasks such as getting your best man to finally get fitted for a tux can be extremely stressful. When people have to rely on others to get tasks done, their stress levels tend to rise. This reliance on others is made even worse by the stress most couples feel to create a perfect wedding.

So, no matter how simple you may try to keep the wedding plans, there will still be stressors that you should anticipate and plan for, just as you plan for your cake and photographer. Start thinking about the people and events that may create stress for you and your fiancé, and take steps to reduce those predictable conflicts. Acceptance of the things you can and cannot change is key, and practicing now can only help once you become a partner in a marriage.

Sources:

1. Miller, R. S. (2011). Intimate relationships. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
2. Reis, H. T., Rusbult, C. E. (2004). Close relationships: Key readings. New York, NY: Psychology Press.

Related articles:
The Fear of Hurting the Other and the Inhibition of Self
Embrace Conflict as a Path to Deeper Connection
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When parents use children as pawns in their divorce, the psychological consequences can be devastating. Parental alienation (PA) is the act of deliberately alienating a child from a targeted parent (TP) by an alienating parent (AP) and can cause a psychological condition referred to as parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Although this term is relatively new, the damage this type of behavior inflicts is not. When one parent denies a child access to the TP, the child struggles with feelings of hatred and fear towards the TP. These children often live in an environment riddled with malicious and derogatory remarks about the TP, and as they age, maintain guilt over harboring these feelings toward their parent.

Research on children of divorce has shown that this pattern of behavior can cause children to have social impairments that negatively impact their quality of life as adults. But until now, no study has looked specifically at PAS and its effect on key factors of development. To address this issue, Naomi Ben-Ami of Yeshiva University in New York evaluated 118 adult children of divorce and compared the children who experienced PAS to those who did not. She assessed several areas of social and psychological well-being, including depression, trust, self-hatred/esteem, anger, guilt, marital status, and achievement and identity problems.

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Ben-Ami found that the PA participants had substantially lower levels of achievement than the non-PA group, which was demonstrated by fewer college degrees, less overall employment, lower college enrollment, and more economic hardship. They also exhibited attachment issues, impaired relationships, and decreased self-esteem, possibly as a result of the lack of attention they received from their APs. The controlling behavior of an AP was also shown to increase feelings of anger and guilt in the PA participants. These emotions, coupled with diminished self-sufficiency, elevated the risk for depression in the children who were exposed to PAS. Ben-Ami believes these findings support previous research that shows the destructive and long-term consequences that a child must bear when he or she becomes entangled in a parent’s highly fueled emotions arising from a divorce or separation. This type of evidence, if made available to parents and involved psychological and legal experts, could help prevent this type of activity and maintain the integrity of relationships, present and future. Ben-Ami added, “Ideally, the trajectory can be interrupted successfully to allow children to maintain healthy relationships with both parents, to be loved by them and loving with them.”

Reference:
Ben-Ami, N., Baker, A. J. L. The long-term correlates of childhood exposure to parental alienation on adult self-sufficiency and well-being. American Journal of Family Therapy 40.2 (2012): 169-83.

A death, divorce, illness, sudden unemployment, or any major loss can create chaos in your life. This emotional fracturing, as well as the practical aftershocks of dealing with estates, lawyers, housing, finances, and doctors often yields intense feelings that can be overwhelming.

When you can’t assimilate another thing, it is crucial to just stop. Even if you have never meditated, simply sitting or lying down and paying attention to your breath can calm your nervous system and give you the literal breather you need.

If it is too hard to stay still, take a walk. It is imperative you give yourself a break from the internal chatter and incessant activity that may be consuming every waking moment. When you think you do not have a minute to sit, lie down, or walk, that is when you need the break the most. Take it, and watch the world continue to spin on its axis.

Practice Beginner’s Mind, Witness Consciousness, and Self-Compassion

[fat_widget_grief_right]A big part of healing through grief is connecting with yourself while putting all the parts back together in a new way that makes you feel safe and whole. This process of reconnecting all the emotional, physical, and spiritual dots can be an exhausting and chaotic ride. One minute, there is a sense of control and growing mastery; the next, you are surfing a sea of feelings.

Part of the immediate task is showing up with what yogis call beginner’s mind and witness consciousness. Beginner’s mind refers to an attitude of openness when approaching something new—without preconceived notions—just as a beginner would. This particular grief experience is terra incognita; you haven’t had it before. By abandoning all your ideas about how you “should” feel or behave, you allow yourself to safely feel what is true in the moment. That cosmic permission slip, coupled with open awareness, allows you to fully experience the moment and all it entails emotionally. While you may want to run from it, the only way out is through it. Avoidance may provide short-term relief, but it often brings long-term pain.

Achieving witness consciousness means retraining your mind to detach enough for objectivity. It is practicing watching something with a neutral perspective and not identifying with it. Both of these yogic techniques encourage you to leave your ego outside. You might never succeed in completely detaching from your ego, but these practices can allow you to experience the freedom and joy of not taking everything personally, while enhancing your chances for greater inner peace.

Beginner’s mind, witness consciousness, and self-compassion can be the trifecta for healing from almost anything. They shore you up, increase your perspective, and allow for enough detachment to see things more clearly.

Simple Routines Can Help Ease the Chaos

Just as in yoga, where each visit to the mat reveals something new, the process of unraveling the threads of grief is fresh every minute. Whether it’s a crying spell, a fit of anger, guilt, or deep sadness, recognizing how each one is unique can keep you open to change and transformation.

The chaos of grief is sometimes caused, in part, by the old issues it triggers, such as abandonment and posttraumatic stress. During times of acute emotional turmoil, being gentle with yourself can ease the pain. Recognizing unhelpful thought patterns and challenging them as much as possible may help you to feel better and more in control.

The chaotic emotional fallout of grief can also be assuaged by establishing simple routines, such as:

•  Taking a tea break at the same time every day
• Getting some exercise
• Listening to soothing music
• Meditating
• Talking on the phone with someone supportive
• Eating at regular intervals
• Watching the sky
• Spending time with your pet

Simple and readily available tasks can have a greater chance of providing you with an enjoyable way to calm the chaos.

Related articles:
Learn to Sit with Discomfort in Your Life
Surviving Suffering
How to Be With Someone Who Is Grieving

Turning points are life experiences that permanently change the course of one’s life. The death of a parent, a divorce, or even a geographical move are all examples of turning points that can have a positive or negative affect on an individual. “The most defining characteristic of a turning point, however, remains that the event is perceived as significant or life-changing to the individual,” said Royette Tavernier of the Department of Psychology at Brock University, St. Catharines in Canada, and author of a recent study. How individuals process those turning points is referred to as meaning-making and is theorized to affect well-being. “The purpose of this study was to examine whether meaning-making within turning point narratives, as well as the timing of these turning points, would be associated with psychological wellbeing among a sample of Grade 12 high school adolescents,” said Tavernier.

For their study, Tavernier and a team of colleagues analyzed the life stories of 418 12th grade students, half of whom had experienced a significant turning point in their lives. All of the students had been previously assessed for well-being while in the 9^th grade, as part of another ongoing study. Tavernier discovered that although the earlier assessment of well-being did not influence meaning-making in 12^th grade, those who described meaning-making as part of their turning point narrative had much higher levels of well-being than the students who did not describe using meaning-making strategies in their life stories.

“This important finding suggests that the significant positive association between meaning-making and psychological well-being was not necessarily a function of preexisting differences on this variable, prior to adolescents’ turning point experiences but instead may be related to the meaning-making process.” Tavernier added, “In conclusion, adolescents, counselors, parents, and other sources of support can benefit from the knowledge that navigating life’s unpredictable paths is not necessarily solely associated with negative affect. Although much more research in this area is needed, these findings provide some support for the possibility that when adolescents engage in a more intimate exploration of their life experiences—particularly those that cause significant change—positive consequences can emerge at the personal and relational level.”

Reference:
Tavernier, R., & Willoughby, T. (2011, November 28). Adolescent Turning Points: The Association Between Meaning-Making and Psychological Well-Being. Developmental Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026326

We know that when a marriage ends it is the parents who are divorcing. But do we think about the fact that our children aren’t getting a divorce, they are getting two households in which to continue living with their family. Their parents relationship is changing to something different than they have yet experienced. What do you need to think about so that your children are taken care of as well as possible? For some, the question is what rights do children have in a divorce? Here’s a list that is a good place to start.

1. Children have the right to live in a conflict-free zone. Your children should not have to go back and forth between two homes feeling the anger and tension between their parents. The best way to deal with this is to take care of the issues you are in conflict over. Find a way to work out your disagreements. Work with a third party if necessary, but keep the conflict out of the co-parenting relationship so it is out of the lives of your children. When children do not do well after their parent’s divorce, this is the number one reason why that is the case.

2. Children have the right to love each of their parents. Your children should be able to feel and express that love without interference from anyone. You may have an opinion of your ex that you feel your child needs to be taught about so they can be better protected. Unless your ex is truly dangerous and a court has found this to be true, do not subject your children to your beliefs that make it difficult for them to be in your presence and also feel love for their other parent. The other parent has also had a part in creating your children. Children will sometimes become safe-hating if they perceive that they have traits that are similar to the other parent. This may play out differently depending on the age of the child. It is important to consider it no matter the age.

[fat_widget_left]3. Children have the right to not be the emotional support for their parents during the divorce. When your child is growing up, your relationship with them changes. They are more able to have heartfelt conversations with you and can understand more complex emotions. When you are going through a divorce and you have a developing relationship with your teenage child, it is very tempting to tell them about what is going on for you in the way they have started to tell you what is going on for them and how they are thinking about the world. It is not the time to start telling them about your divorce and your feelings and your concerns. You are talking with them about their other parent, not your boss or friend with whom they do not have their own relationship. Protect them from the information that will be a burden for them to know. Do not ask your child to take care of you by listening and being your support. It is true you are in an emotionally difficult time in your life and you may need more care taking than usual. You should get taken care of in an appropriate place so you are best able to take care of your children while their world is changing as well. Keep in mind that children often like it when they are treated like adults. They will not tell you it is not what they want because they might like the newfound intimacy they are having in their children while their world is changing as well. Keep in mind that children often like it when they are treated like adults. They will not tell you it is not what they want because they might like the newfound intimacy they are having in their relationship with you.

4. Children have the right to not feel responsible for their parent’s divorce. It sometimes happens that children believe their parents are getting divorced because of something they did. They can feel responsible for the fights you have because of something they asked for that you may have disagreed on. They may think their behaviors when told they had done something wrong could contribute to their family changing in this very big way. Children believe their actions have more far-reaching effects than is actually the case. Feelings of guilt and shame often accompany these thoughts and they are not always shared with anyone. When telling your children you are divorcing it is helpful to make sure they know that there was nothing they did to bring this about and it is most helpful if you can tell them together.

5. Children have the right to not be the messenger for their parents. Because it seems logistically easier, backpacks, suitcases, notebooks, etc. that belong to your children are often thought to be appropriate conduits for material that needs to go back and forth between households. This is very often problematic. Children should not be the messengers for support checks, important papers, etc. It sometimes happens that the material that is brought with them in the transition is upsetting to the receiving parent. Perhaps the amount of the check is not what they had expected or the paperwork is inflammatory. This has the impact of your child feeling as though they are the reason you are not happy and they are somehow at fault. It is very important that your children not take part in any exchanges between you. They deserve to be protected from the information you are sending to the other parent.

These are just a few of many things to be aware of as you go through this process. It helps to try to look through the world periodically through the eyes of your child.