The Psychology of Trust Issues and Ways to Overcome Them

Trust—the act of man posing with arms crossedplacing confidence in someone or something other than yourself—is social superglue. It is the binding for the deepest love, the strongest friendships, and the world’s communities. Modern society is built on trust, and in the absence of trust, fear rules.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand how people with trust issues might have difficulty engaging in certain social contexts and leading the most fulfilling life they can. Some of the most common settings in which individuals display a lack of trust are in interpersonal relationships (romantic or otherwise), business dealings, politics, and even the use of technology. And with these different facets of life becoming increasingly interconnected, mistrust could conceivably spread from one part of a person’s life to another.

Where Do Trust Issues Come From?

Trust can take years to develop, but it can be destroyed in an instant. People who have issues with trust have often had significant negative experiences in the past with individuals or organizations they initially deemed trustworthy. For example, studies show that children of divorced parents and those from abusive households are more likely to have intimacy, commitment, and trust issues in future relationships.

While trust issues sometimes develop from negative interactions experienced during early childhood, social rejection during adolescence or traumatic experiences during adulthood can also lead to trust issues for an individual. Betrayal in the form of infidelity in romantic relationships can cause trust issues throughout a person’s life. Significant loss of financial resources or perceived injustice at the hands of authority figures can even cause strong feelings of mistrust toward institutions rather than people. The fragile state of the nation’s economy, for example, has resulted in many people losing trust in the banking system and government organizations.

In short, when a person’s trust is repeatedly violated, his or her belief system can be affected profoundly, causing future concerns with placing trust in people or organizations.

Trust Issues: Psychology and Common Beliefs

A person with trust issues may harbor negative beliefs about trust and may find themselves thinking limiting thoughts, such as:

“I can never let my guard down.”
“If I open up I will only get hurt again.”
“Everybody is out to get me.”

A person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. These barriers are often a person’s way of avoiding the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.

A belief system marred by violations of trust can significantly burden an individual both mentally and physically. Overwhelming anxiety and stress can easily become everyday companions, facilitating the gradual erosion of both mind and body. Thankfully though, these shackles need not remain forever.

How to Regain Your Trust

Before any issue can be resolved, you must first recognize that there is an issue. That honest admission will serve as the bedrock for all your endeavors to re-establish trust in others.

Many types of therapy will help people regain the ability to trust others, and, in fact, the therapeutic relationship itself provides an exercise in trust. With a thorough understanding of a person’s initial development and psychology, a qualified mental health professional can help an individual understand where his or her trust issues come from, and develop effective ways to foster trust in relationships, interactions, or institutions. During therapy sessions, sources of mistrust can be identified and properly addressed so that people are able to dispel or cope with future fears. Group therapy for trust issues can also be particularly effective as people undergoing treatment for similar mental health concerns can learn to build trust with the therapist and other members of the group.

Trust is vital for internal harmony and positive social functioning. The ability to effectively trust others helps people live happy, rich lives. As mentioned before, trust is the foundation of most healthy relationships, but sometimes that foundation is shaky because of events in the past. If you’re interested in working through past wounds that shook your trust or increasing your capacity to trust, consider seeking the help of a therapist, spiritual leader, or other qualified mental health professional to begin rebuilding that important foundation.

References:

  1. Bierhoff, H. & Vornefeld, B. (2004).The social psychology of trust with applications in the internet. Analyse and Kritik, 26(1) pp. 48–62
  2. Covey, S.M.R. (2008). The speed of trust. New York City: Simon & Schuster.
  3. Lewis, M. (2013). Trust issues among children of divorce. Retrieved from http://www.drspeg.com/research/2013/divorcetrust.pdf
  4. Schaick, K. & Stolberg, A. (2001). The impact of parental involvement and parental divorce on young adults’ intimate relationships. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 36(1-2), 99-121. doi:10.1300/J087v36n01_06

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  • Marcy

    October 8th, 2014 at 3:29 PM

    I have been hurt by so many people in my life and sometimes when I think back on it I think that a large part of this comes form placing too much faith in one person and then them not living up to the super high expectations that I have placed on them.

    I know that much of this is not their fault. I would not feel so let down if I had the confidence to place all that trust in myself and not trying to leave it up to someone else. I am working on all of that but I want to be able to depend in others and not be so let down all the time, but maybe I can’t have that until I can fully find that in myself.

  • carl

    October 9th, 2014 at 10:59 AM

    I hope you can find a true sense of self esteem and keep working on your ‘self’. I know what you mean being able to feel validated by another would be nice, but we all are individuals with our own stuff, knowing this is scary but sometimes knowing this is a start. Goodluck

  • graham

    October 9th, 2014 at 10:50 AM

    This is the classic example of how the things that happen in your life when you are younger can carry over and continue to hurt you when you are an adult. You may not even realize that this is where this pain comes from, but for most of us I think that this would be the clear beginning of that loss of trust and those feelings of pain and complications that come from that.

  • Tessie

    October 10th, 2014 at 12:23 PM

    My sister had an affair with my boyfriend of 3 yrs at the time while I was in the hospital. Then 10 yrs later my next bf had an affair with my best friend all the while knowing what happened to me before. It threw me into a major depression both times. I almost commited suicide the first time. How does a person regain trust after that???

  • Brandon

    December 22nd, 2016 at 5:52 PM

    Who would be most hurt if you were gone?

    Your pain is totally valid. I don’t know how to gain trust after that — I really don’t… The burden is that those of us with trust issues who keep being hurt, need to trust again in order to fully live life… Can I ask you a question – How many people in your life have not perpetually screwed you over? Maybe you can think about people in your life you can trust. And just really look at a romantic partner’s behavior and how assuring they are of you, after you find time to open up. In your case, you’ve been especially wounded, so I recommend therapy, and extreme self gentleness. Do you pray? Go to a quiet place and pray to God or your Higher Powers about this. A response may come in the form of a gust of wind, a ray of sunshine, a strange and unfathomable response you receive through your emotions, something akin to a shudder – a voice…. If you experience your mind yakking away, I would ignore that if I were you! Or, you may get no answer… which is an answer… it’s the God’s saying: “In order to answer this, we need to show you something in your daily life, my child. We love you.” and then you would need to pay attention to and read the situations life presents to you. I really respect your story, and I’m deeply feeling for you. I’m sorry that people have hurt you so bad – that’s just terrible.

  • Kt

    October 11th, 2014 at 4:57 PM

    I’ve learned over the years, you get what you expect! If you expect bad in your relationships, you will get bad! If you expect good, that’s what you’ll receive. I think most times those most of us who trust issues struggle with negativity and lack the ability to be positive!

  • k

    October 16th, 2014 at 9:23 AM

    This I do not believe. ..
    A child that is raped or molested does not have any positive or negative perceptions of a person that does such an act especially if it is a stranger.
    They do not expect or deserve any of that.

  • Susan S

    April 6th, 2017 at 2:13 PM

    My husband and myself have been married 32 years, we both had our wild years and got through them!!! I feel like he is doing something now, but he won’t admit it!!! I would be crushed .

  • Az

    November 30th, 2014 at 11:19 PM

    I don’t agree with this either. very non sympathetic and easier said than done. It’s more complicated for others than just positive thinking.

  • jill

    November 3rd, 2016 at 6:24 AM

    Indeed

  • sb

    March 17th, 2017 at 4:44 AM

    WOW! whole heartedly disagree. that’s laying blame and not helpful at all. When people are hurt it’s not because they were asking for it because they are negative. external situations happen in life that have a causal effect and effect a person’s inner world. Their expectations, their self-worth and feeling left with anger when a person violates their values. This statement implies guilt and suggests an individual should feel guilty and responsible for external factors that they had no control over.

  • allan

    October 12th, 2014 at 12:38 PM

    I’m 29 lost my parents at 19 6 months between then ..my dad taking his own life n me finding him leaving me with no family and eventually homeless with no family ..so issues from that have made it near impossible to fully trust in relationships I enter..always thinking I will be left alone again..been cheated in before which doesn’t help either…tryd therapy but didn’t do much…how do u tryst again?

  • Michelle

    January 20th, 2015 at 6:22 PM

    I wish I knew n could tell you that we can grow to trust others again. I’m sorry for all your loss n pain. I gave up on love a while back, cannot trust what ppl say, suspicious of their agenda as I’ve been used n abused all my 40 years. I’m a recovering addict, have C-PTSD, depression…finding life getting harder with age, ie socially backward now…suicidal thoughts most days, feel ungrateful n shameful for still bein alive, diagnosed with cancer just before my 40th bday last October. I hope there’s a way for us. I’m really struggling to find hope. I have much intellectual curiosity about trauma etc, yet lack the self-belief or -love to want to try.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 20th, 2015 at 8:26 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Michelle. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Josh

    January 30th, 2015 at 5:34 PM

    The best I can give u is to trust in Jesus. Search the scriptures. Start with Psalms 23 and Proverbs. I’ve been through so much and have even doubted at times. He is all I leant on, he got me through. I know a lot of people say stuff like this, but I’m dead honest.

  • Diane

    April 23rd, 2015 at 4:33 PM

    That’s the most ridiculous thing to tell someone who is suffering. Reading scriptures is obviously not going to help someone that holds no religious beliefs. Stick to medicine and science people.

  • Beth

    January 23rd, 2016 at 2:38 AM

    Please don’t feel like you have no value, We don’t know each other personally, so I couldn’t have an agenda. I really know how you feel, you have had so much go wrong in your life to the point it’s expected. I know if you follow through by going to the website you were given,you are going to find someone who understands, I know how your feelings inside, not being able to really know that someone is really listening makes us feel unloved, not wanted, and we give up. No, I am not a therapists, but I do know there aresome people that don’t want to listen to us, who think. she has finally gone off the deep end, there are a lot of self sinnered people walking the face of this earth, and some of them don’t want to be weighed down with a nother persons issues, but let something happen to them, and it’s a major catastrophic episode BUT DEEP IN MY HEART I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WANT TO HELP US AND WHO REALLY CARE. BUT, THEY WANT FORCE US TO CHANGE OUR LIVES WE HAVE TO REALLY WANT IT, YOU ARE ALREADY TAKING THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP AND THAT IS REACHING OUT AND SHARING HOW YOU FEEL.
    you need someone to listen and that needs to be a professional, who can help you by giving you the tools to get back on your feet, so nobody will ever be able to make you feel like you are feeling now You are valuable!!!!!!!! PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING.

  • Naimah

    March 22nd, 2017 at 6:43 AM

    youtube.com/watch?v=hS0QJFplaw8

  • Marie

    March 19th, 2017 at 7:36 AM

    Wow, you have had your heart handed to you on a platter. Your parent dying is life…your father taking his own life was selfish but he must have been truly distraught. He made a choice to jump, so to speak and either did not think what his loss could do to you. You have hope or you wouldn’t be here asking “How?”. Take that hope and find someone that needs love as much or more than you do. Give what you need. That will build your bank…so to speak. Find a puppy, child, homeless person, shy person etc….reach out. Pray for guidance and peace. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts – I’m healing as well but not from the depths that you’ve been handed. Reach out and believe and I will be doing the same.

  • Alix

    October 24th, 2014 at 1:38 AM

    My father didn’t want me, my mom and grandma raised me. I didn’t make friends very easily. This left me feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. I have a boyfriend and I do love him very much and I know deep down that he will not cheat on me. But I get jealous of every one he spends time with, even of our families. I get jealous when he chats with other women. I live in constant fear that he will meet someone better than me and leave me. He is such a good person but my issues is destroying our relationship. I tend not to trust men but “over trust” women. I understand where this comes from but my boyfriend doesn’t. He says I either trust him or don’t and that I can’t blame my past for how I am now.

  • KT

    January 1st, 2017 at 12:50 AM

    Hey there,
    I just wanted to put it out there that I completely resonate with what you said and I am curious to see how your relationship is now (as it has been two years) Have you had any success moving through those tough emotions?

  • Jo

    November 10th, 2014 at 1:55 AM

    I’ve had trust issues which are now beginning to make relationships and friendships difficult. I was raped when I was 18 in Australia. My friend who I was travelling with at the time immediately met a boyfriend and wanted to stay put, leaving me to travel alone – this was when I was raped in a backpackers. I never told anyone until a few years ago (I am now 25). Since then I have been attracted to emotionally unavailable men who do not want to settle down and commit and find myself getting more hurt. I find it hard to let people get close to me and get to know the real me. The real me is really vulnerable, hurt and sad, but I don’t want anyone to see her. I’ve had boughts of depression each year since it happened and have been getting help. This year things have been looking up but I do not see myself ever being able to trust someone properly enough to be the real me.

  • D.lu

    April 11th, 2015 at 7:34 PM

    Jo,

    See a therapist and talk about all of this. You obviously recognize that you have trust issues, and you recognize that your past traumatic experience has affected you in a terrible way. Talking about this with a professional will allow you to open up those wounds, and let them heal the right way. It will allow you to learn how to trust and bond with another. It will teach you to let go of what happened in the past, and empower yourself.

  • Michelle H.

    February 23rd, 2015 at 11:18 AM

    How would I gain trust in boyfriend if hes cheated twice in less than 1.5 years, then given me more if a reason to not trust him by deleting over 40 cell phone calls in less than a months time to a so called client, and always having an excuse why I cant see his cell phone bill. And he gets mad when I say I dont trust him. Any ideas???

  • D.lu

    April 11th, 2015 at 7:28 PM

    Hi Michelle,

    If he is going out of his way to HIDE something from you, then it is more than likely because he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing, right? If it has been just 1.5 years and he has already been unfaithful twice, there is absolutely no chance he will ever remain faithful. It is just a matter of time before he finds the next girl to cheat with. Also, honestly, if you even have to check his cell phone bill, then why are you with this guy? He might beg and cry to stay with you, but can you honestly ever see yourself marrying and having children with this guy? Do you see yourself taking care of your children while he is off doing God knows what? Michelle, staying with him only compromises YOU, your self worth, and not to mention your happiness. Why date someone like that, if the future he offers you is so damn shitty, and that is all he will ever offer you. Learn to love yourself MORE than you love this guy.

    Time to move on.

  • Constance

    February 26th, 2015 at 9:58 PM

    I am wondering if you have any suggestions as to types of therapy specifically suited to deal with trust issues? Or would therapy be more successful based on what the patient prefers?

    I tried going to therapy but didn’t realize my underlying issue is a complete lack of trust–so I quit therapy, because I felt I couldn’t trust the therapist (her behavior gave me reasons not to).

    I’ve lived like this for 30+ years and have developed excellent coping strategies to avoid trusting anyone and they feel perfectly logical, warranted and necessary. But at the same time I realize completely that they are the #1 obstacle to me living a fulfilling life. In fact I have zero support (no close friends, alienated from family, no relationship with coworkers) because I simply cannot trust anyone at all.

    What’s the best approach in this situation, please?

  • Diane

    April 23rd, 2015 at 4:38 PM

    My last therapist was an AA quack and instead of teaching me coping skills and rebuilding trust she would throw religious and AA rhetoric at me. I have since learned this person was unprofessional and unethical. However. my new psychologist is respecting my need to leave religion and AA out of my therapy. It’s working!

  • Tania

    June 11th, 2015 at 10:48 PM

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and he’s older than me by 4 years. He doesn’t trust me at all ever since an incident happened where I was speaking to him on the phone and ignored him for a guy I was attracted to. Ever since this incident he’s been keeping a close eye on me and it’s caused me to lie to him constantly, I could say I’m going to the park but really I went to the mall, and things like that. I get distracted here and their and he’s hated the fact that I don’t listen to him. I also accidentally checked another guy out in front of him. I also don’t listen to his instructions he could ask me to do something his way and I go ahead and do it my way instead and he hates that. I don’t mean to do harm to him at all I do care for him and I want to gain his trust back and lately it’s feeling like it’s impossible. He talks about his ex constantly about how much she appreciated him and listened to him and respected him and I never talk about my ex like that with him. I’ve been trying so hard to change and listen and do things he’s asked me to do but it’s like no matter what he still talks about the past. It’s been so hard that if I miss one phone call he won’t talk to me for two days. What can I do here to gain his trust back. I wish I could go back through time so bad and erase those last two incidents. I never meant to hurt him so bad. Sometimes I feel like I’m still growing I don’t know much about serious relationships and this is my first. But I do know that this is someone I want to be with and I want to work hard to get through anything with him.

  • Sam

    June 28th, 2015 at 11:23 PM

    Tania, I’m not a therapist or anything, I just am told a lot that I give good, straightforward advice. So I’ll cut to the chase.

    You either need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him all of this or you need to break up with him. Possibly even both depending on how the conversation goes. Hopefully for you, since I can tell you do care about him, it won’t go poorly. This is just my opinion from what you’ve said on here so there are probably other factors going into this but I felt the need to say something. I, personally, have very low tolerance for any sort of ridiculous jealousy though, most of the stable couples I know don’t have any jealousy going on in their relationships and my happiest/healthiest ones never had this issue.

    Just sit him down and calmly tell him you want his trust back and that you never meant to hurt him but now he’s hurting you with all of his comments about his ex. That you care about him a lot and are willing to work at this but he needs to realize that he doesn’t have anything to worry about because you’re choosing him. And it’s getting to the point where you feel as if you have to lie to him just so he won’t freak out (which is actually really really bad, you might want to look at a domestic abuse screening test – i like the one on the red flag campaign’s website). That he needs to work on it too.

    To be honest, I’m more worried that you may possibly be in an unsafe situation, but like I said, I can only tell from what you’ve said. But to me, these are all big red flags and I’ve seen them before with a friend’s ex who eventually became abusive.

    So please, please, please be careful and it really might not be worth dating him. It’s your first serious relationship and there will be others who may be better for you. So that’s my advice but I’m hoping for your sake that he’s just being petulant and not potentially abusive. Stay safe and good luck.

  • Damien

    August 18th, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    I have recently seperated from my partner of 4 years due to my trust issues she is the best thing thats ever happened to me and we are both working together to try and make things work i never used to have trust issues until my last partners broke my heart by cheating and the woman i am speaking about was married in a very aggresive relationship and we got together while she was still with her husband my last partner i was with for 7 years and thought she was the 1 until 1 day she came home and sat me down and told me there was some1 else i was gutted and could not believe it i later found out she had been seeing this other person for over a year my partner b4 her i was with for 2 years 3 months b4 we split she found out she was pregnant only for me to find out it was sm1 elses !! My heart and soul is with the lady i have just split up with we have a 21 month old daughter and she is the most amazing little girl in the world as for the lady she is 1 in a million ive never met any1 like her nor have i ever felt like i do wen im around her she is the air i breath but i still feel like im just waiting for things to go wrong when she goes out with friends i cause arguments and accuse her of doing things with other men i try my best not to say anything but i cant stop and she has taken it for so long she cant cope and i am totally heartbroken that i have made her feel this way but the things that have happened and how we got together i find it hard to trust any1 she has told me she loves me and she wants to make things work and i want to aswel ide do anything to get my life bk with the woman i love i want to say ive never hit her or anything like that this is all in my head and i need help so please can any1 help me save my relationship its all i have and i want to do everything i can to fix it thank you

  • Shay

    August 27th, 2015 at 4:37 PM

    Hey everyone. Let me start from the beginning…my first bf ever was my sophomore year in high school he was also my first intimate relationship. After about a year I find out he has been sleeping with my older sister (4 years older, he was my age) the whole relationship. I was in denial first but eventually I became attracted to someone else which gave me the courage to leave him. It’s now 9 years later and I have been with a guy who for 2.5 years now and just 3.5 months ago he finally confessed he cheated for in the beginning of our relationship (in the first 2 months of our relationship ) I have forgave him for it and have been trying to move on but I have been having super bad trust issues ever since. I had a feeling that he did cheat in the beginning but never had facts. I believe my trust issues originally come from that first guy and then recently returned since I found out I was cheated on again. I don’t know what to do..the guy I am with now has asked me to marry him and I accepted but we are still having huge arguments over me not trusting him. Will this feeling ever go away??? I don’t really know what to do anymore. Honestly, I know he isn’t cheating now…weven live together. ..he doesn’t hide his phone and he knows and saw how bad it hurt me before. Is it just me??? How can I learn to trust again??

  • Kaileigh

    September 17th, 2015 at 11:17 PM

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2+ years and recently found out that he had been talking to his ex, via email, text and calls last year, behind my back. We are happy with each other, but have issues. I found that out when I went home for a little bit, I went about it wrong and read his emails and found them. During that time we weren’t emotionally connecting like we should’ve and that’s why he did it. He said he just wanted to feel like he mattered to someone. Anyways, it’s been 5 months since I’ve found out and it’s still so hard to forget even though I forgive him. I always feel like he’s cheating and I constantly accuse him even though he’s been nothing, but open and honest with me. He’s changed so much and he knows what he did was wrong and how much it hurt me, but as much as I try, I can’t shake it sometimes. It’s killing me inside. I try so hard to not fixate and to not feel that way, but I can’t help it sometimes. He says that it’s getting to the point where I’m pushing him away and where he’s starting not to care and I don’t want that. I know that not letting go is what’s hurting our relationship. I really do, but what can I do? Would therapy help? He’s not ready to be without me and not ready to walk away and neither am I. I can’t keep doing this. Help!

  • natasha

    November 26th, 2015 at 3:50 AM

    I feel the same way you do Kaileigh… and I think it will soon send me insane…my husband has never cheated on me physically but I believe someone can cheat on you emotionally too…by confiding in another of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship of your own. sometimes I feel I love him way toou have and I suffocate him with it that he needs to just get away from me. I always have these doubts at the back if my mind that I am not beautiful enough or good enough for him to want to stay with me and I tend to voice those thoughts. Unfortunately it is ruining our relationship cause I just cannot be at peace not trusting him 100%.
    I cannot give any advice but would really love to get help too…I don’t want to lose my husband.

  • Lisa

    January 11th, 2016 at 10:55 AM

    I think I know how both of you ladies feel! Although I don’t have a husband that has been emotionally unfaithful, I do have major trust issues from my past and from issues to do with mine & my husbands relationship (read my post from yesterday!) And even though there has not been infidelity in my marriage, it doesn’t stop me from thinking it could happen! Because it has happened to me in the past.
    I have never, in over 14years, been able to trust my husband when he is partying and I’m not there to ‘watch over him’!! Lame, I know! I’m the first to admit that!!
    I do think the only way to work on this is by admitting your problem and seeking therapy. I have been to therapy in the past & it’s something I will seek out in the very near future again! Getting some outside support, I think, is necessary and involving your husband isn’t a bad idea either, if he’s up for it. The other and actually more important idea would be to trust in the Lord’s will for your life. By turning to the bible and other Christ followers for support, I believe tremendous growth can endure. Good luck ladies! May the Lord bless you with the freedom of full trust!

  • ericka

    November 8th, 2015 at 2:40 PM

    I don’t know what love is

  • Celeste

    December 5th, 2015 at 6:55 AM

    I have just recently decided not to trust anyone any more. I have had that many friends lie, use or forget to invite me to events I just can’t go there anymore. I have never really trusted anyone in my family because it was a large one where you were fed and clothed but no love or protection was really given and the bully’s of the family were allows to do what they liked. My parents literally only had eyes for each other and those children that made them look good. I recently found out my mother corraberted a lie my sister, her favourite, to keep her happy, with my other siblings. She didn’t think I would find out. My father either shoots the messenger if you try to stick up for yourself or totally supports my mother without question. I’ve cut them off and have very little contact because I feel like such a fool thinking that telling the truth and trying to do,the right thing including trying to find a middle path would work. I suddenly realised I was the only one trying. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve tried to undo and learn new ideas and behaviours etc. But so much damage has been done that I have given up trusting anyone anymore. I would much rather be on my own and limiting contact with others than trust again. I don’t know how to do it and I don’t know how to get through it so it’s better this way.

  • Sara

    December 18th, 2015 at 10:13 AM

    I am so frustrated with trust issues right now. I don’t know how to help my boyfriend get over them. He claims they have come from an ex that he had been with for two years. He said she used him, lied to him, and things got violent at times. I literally went through the same experience from someone else but I have no trust issues whatsoever. I don’t honestly believe he would hurt me and it makes me upset that he thinks I would hurt him. I don’t know how to keep having a relationship when there is no trust coming from one side.

  • Monica

    January 7th, 2016 at 5:37 PM

    I was in a really bad relationship for over 4 years, I was cheated (with friends and family member), verbally abused, used and lied to; as a result I can’t trust anyone. I don’t have a single friend not even when trying so hard. I’m in a new relationship with someone I really like but as much as I tried to be open and communicate I can’t seem to avoid having problems because I don’t trust him. He lied to me before and that burst out my insecurities, checking his phone and even asking him not to talk to any other girl because that’s the only way I feel in peace. I understand is not healthy and I would like to fix this issue. What is the best option for me?

  • Lisa

    January 10th, 2016 at 9:47 AM

    I grew up with an alcoholic father that hid his addiction (or tried to!) and when confronted, either lied about drinking or would promise to change. It wasn’t until recently he actually admitted he had a problem and has started counselling. After a crazy binge episode where my sis & I had to call an ambulance for him – our mom was out of town! (I’m 34 & never knew life without a closet alcoholic dad!)

    My only ‘real’ boyfriend in my teens cheated on me numerous times over a 3 year span. He would also break up with me then we would get back together – always at his convenience.

    When I met my husband he was into very occasional cocaine use, which he knew I was not ok with, and slowly stopped using (maybe 5 times in an 11year span) It has now been 3.5years since he’s last used.
    We have been together for 14.5 years, married 10.5 of those years and have 3 cutie children. My husband really is a family man, wonderful husband & father. But I do have a very hard time trusting him. My gut aches and full on anxiety kicks in at the thought of him being out in a party scene with out me. He has given me a couple reasons not to trust him but nothing infidelity wise and over 3 years since his last cocaine use. Things like, not being home on time for an appointment, smoking cigarettes at work when he has said he wasn’t going to smoke anymore or ‘one’ drink turning into an all nighter. He has a conscience and has always come clean with me when he’s made mistakes. My problem is I wish I could be cool with him saying he’s going out for a few drinks with friends, but I’m not…ever!! I can never sleep when he’s out drinking and have full on anxiety attacks when he doesn’t come home at a reasonable hour! My mind always sways between he’s using cocaine, cheating on me or just his well being. Help!!!

  • Beth

    January 23rd, 2016 at 1:25 AM

    Hello, I have read what you all have written, and I’m alone like a lot of you are, my story is your story, I thought nobody could ever understand or know how I feel. I have never been in this place where I am now. I know I am the only one that can pick myself up and try to make sense of how I got here, and I know that I have to put my pride in check, and ask for help. I don’t drink, or do drugs, but yet I still beat myself up, and blame myself for everything, and I worry about every thing. I realize by reading what some of you have written , that we are all here because we have lost trust and emotions by physical and/ or emotional abuse, and yes I have experienced all of it, but knowing that I’m not alone and others have these same feelings,made me realize tonight that what I’m feeling is real,and each and everyone of you are hurting deeply. like me.So I want you to know that what I’m writing comes from my heart, if someone walked up to me right now and said I can give you three wishes right now, any wish for anything. wealth, a long life etc, etc. MY first wish would be that each and every one of you would be whole again, because I know how you all feel, because I feel some of those same feelings, my second wish would be that I could go back to the day I was put in the orphanage, where everything began, the fear,not feeling wanted, not feeling loved,that feeling of being lost and helpless,and then I would ask for my last wish which would be that my life would be filled with nothing but positive loving nurturing people.and I would always be full of joy and happiness with no problems! But since we all know that’s impossible to have that happen, All I’m wanting now is to learn how I can have all those things and more, to be the person I was born to be, and live the life I was given. I know this isn’t the way living is suppose to be. I need somebody’s guidance who can give me as well as all of you the tools if you will to understand that we all have lost our way, and we have to face the past, not live in it, to be able to be mentally and physically well, then we all can be better friends, mothers girlfriends, wives, but we can’t be better to anyone, until we learn to like and love ourselves and find our true selves. I feel these things deep in my heart, I just don’t know how to make it happen, DON’T GIVE UP, WE ALL STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE, LAUGH. AND LOVE AGAIN. I AM READY TO ADMITT I NEED HELP AND HOPE ONE DAY WE WILL BE ABLE TO SHARE ON THIS BLOG WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAT WE MADE IT AND THEY CAN TOO. ALL OF YOUR STORIES TOUCHED MY HEART, AND I HOPE MINE HAS TOUCHED YOURS AS WELL.

  • Beth

    January 23rd, 2016 at 3:30 AM

    Joe this is for you as well as everyone else. I didn’t write this, I found it on the internet, but I read this every day I try so hard to feed myself good things, so I can try and think positive.Your FRIENDS ARE YOUR GUIDES IN YOUR LIFE, AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE WHO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. IN SOME WAYS THEY ARE FAMILY SO WHO YOU CHOOSE TO SHARE IMPORTANT PARTS OF YOUR LIFE MATTERS. CHOOSE A FRIEND WHO IS HONEST. I HAVE REALIZED IF I’M NOT MENTALLY HEALTHY, HOW COULD I POSSIBLY MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE IN CHOOSING A FRIEND , OR A PARTNER, I COULD CHOOSE SOMEONE THAT HAS ISSUES THEMSELVES. BUT HAVING A PROFFESIONAL GIVE ME THE TOOLS I NEED TO HELP ME KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR BEFORE LEAPING,WILL HELP ME CHOOSE AND BE SURE THAT I HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, THEN WHEN PROBLEMS DO HAPPPEN I WILL KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM, THE RIGHT WAY, WITHOUT PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY.I AM NOT A PROFFESIONAL, BUT I HAVE BEEN RESEARCHING A LOT!

  • Carrie

    March 14th, 2016 at 4:52 PM

    It is nice (but also very saddening) to see all of the comments here from people just like me. I am recently out of a 2.5 year relationship with a man that I never trusted. The days leading up to the ‘final show’ were horrendous and the night before he left, I left him for several hours (drinking). I didn’t cheat, just wanted him to feel alone like me. He was begging me to come home to him but when I did things were just the same. Argue and fight over the mis-trust issues only to end up with him leaving the next day. I haven’t seen or heard from him since that day (three months today) but I did find out that he actually took the greyhound to be with a woman only days after the split. they were already ‘in love’ and have now gotten married – so I know that he was lying to me the whole time while trying to make me out to be crazy. We had been arguing about my concerns of ‘infidelity’ for months, these arguments eventually turned physical – he would get irate when I would question him. I have been through many of the same things that are written here in my life (at a young age) alcoholic father who would hurt my mother, molestation from friends of my family and/or family members, an alcoholic/abusive husband by the time I was 17….only to be divorced by 18. Into a 25 year relationship with a crack addict (my beautiful daughter’s father)….to doing crack myself and losing everything. I like to tell myself that think that I believe I am a smart, beautiful woman….but I know that is just another lie that I tell myself. When I have tried to go to counseling to work on myself; really trying to get to the bottom of the reason for the way I have allowed my life to turn out – all the counselors want to say is get addiction counseling. The reason that I drink every day now is that I want to numb all that has happened to me; I really want help and can’t seem to find it. I am always researching and came across this site today. I just want to live a normal life…I am 44 years old and feel like I am stunted. I know there is a way for me to be happy and trusting again but I just don’t know how to get out of my own way. Thanks for letting me share and if anyone has found or has a suggestion for counseling that is not strictly ‘addiction’ counseling, please reply or comment. We all deserve a wonderful life full of trusted family and friends! I hope you all find what you need too.

  • Suzanne

    April 3rd, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    I can’t believe what I’m reading about everyone that’s going threw the very similar situation as I am. I was married for 18 years this June with a man I truly love. But the worst off it all I was being manipulated, and controlled all these years. And being put down during my childhood, by my family. I had 2 kids one has already left home a year ago cause of all the fighting me my husband was having, after convincing me and my kids he was having affair with a teen which was not true. That is where I lost my trust in him, he would denie so much and then admitting it to many times. It got us into domestic violence and lost our other child for a month or 2. After everything start working out. It quickly got turned again he always had to be right no matter if I had proof or not. While that was happening I start noticing difference in his personality he had to have everything his way. No communication always silence when we had issue about each other or our last child. So I end up suciding myself I end up in hospital for 4-5 days with no calls or visit from him. When I got home we end up arguing again. So I left with my kid. Next day he was gone, and got hold of our child a week after this have happened 3 month ago, and I have put full faith in him and myself that it would work out slowly so I tried myself to communicate with him but no way. So I did give him his space, and now he is trying to put a peace bond on me away from him and my child. Even though I’m not doing a thing to him or our child. I am struggling so much I don’t know what to do. Cause I can not trust or believe anyone anymore.

  • Nony

    May 15th, 2016 at 10:13 AM

    Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get me. Never again. ..

  • Zuzanna

    July 4th, 2016 at 3:10 AM

    My best friend too my bf away from me

  • Zuzanna

    July 4th, 2016 at 3:08 AM

    I was always trust with all my friends and I believe then till my best friend that I was close to her for years but then she took advantage of issues that we had and took him away from me he left me for her and they made roumers abut me but also she took my friends away from me but worse part was I cryed my self to sleep every nigh for month and my sister saw what was happening and she kept saying to me friendships Doest exit but I didn’t believe her and I believe my best friend like Idot
    Then I started collge and met new friend but my old best friend went same collge we had figh and lot of issues year went and we sorted out our issues but after that I didt like same cheerful person it was like all happens evaporated from me
    Year went and my new were there for me but I had a strong friendship with April and she was all way there for me and I trusted her and I felt like I could tell her everything abut my best friend and what she did .
    Months went by and out friends was getting stronger thogh thick and thin
    Another year went pass and we were finishing our second year in collge
    And our friendship was still strong and tho be honest she was a first person I trust in long long time till not so long a go
    I was talking to my old friends sand she revealed that April was with her boyfriend 8 years even when we started collge
    But then they broke up they I fell on foot with tears running down my face i felt like the trust that we built shattered in one second other truth.
    I asked abut and she said all she it was true and she sorry and she told me that she tell me everything abut their realationship but I wasn’t interested since they I could trust her because she had lies written all over her face and when she looks at me she see a trustful best friend that she can tell any think but in realty it empty vessel were trust used to be.

  • dawna

    July 6th, 2016 at 5:17 PM

    i am only just realising now that i have got trust issues and each time i think i like somebody to start a relashionship with i ruin it by asking too many questions and accusing them od being dishnest with me,
    im now putting this down to my childhood my own mother lied to me until i was 12 i was told my stepfather was my real dad, but when i was 12 i got told i had a real dad, i tryed to find him, and when i finaly did track him down he had died a few weeks before so i never got to meet him, how do u trust anybody when u cant even trust your own mother to be truthful with u ?

  • Murray

    July 19th, 2016 at 5:01 PM

    I am almost 32 years old, have been through three major relationship cataclysms with each one taking more of my soul than they left with me. The last one was always going to be the last one in my mind before I ever met this woman, and I explained all of that to her before anything even looked like happening between us. In fact I was extremely reluctant at that point but over the course of six months she slowly broke me down and I fell in love with her. Within the day she had let another man into her house and her life and I was out and alone. It has been a year since this occurred and despite my best efforts the apparent threats plaguing every facet of my life are only getting worse. I see a lot of comments here saying that one must love and trust themselves before expecting it of others and that is most certainly true, however I actually hold myself in very high esteem… I make it a central point of my life to be the most compassionate, loving and understanding person I can possibly be and I’m proud of my achievements there. But I never see that in anyone but myself and the alienation created from trying incessantly to be this good person has caused me to withdraw from essentially any and all social interaction, and I only speak to those it’s impossible to avoid for the most part. I don’t understand how striving to be a better person can destroy ones life, but it has happened nonetheless. I can’t lower myself from this because the result would be shame and hatred of myself for turning myself into the very things that I hate, and have hurt me in the past, but continuing on this path it seems can only lead to further alienation. It has been at the point where suicide looks like the only option, alternating to fearful visions of murder in order not to take it out on myself… In short I have no idea where to turn, so I’ll just leave this here and see what happens…

  • Shaun

    August 12th, 2016 at 10:41 AM

    I found this to be helpful, but I wouldn’t recommend anyone seeking the advice of a spiritual leader for anything other than concerns involving superstition.

  • Empath

    September 23rd, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    I already had trust issues, but recently was betrayed by a family member, so now I feel like I am back to square one. I don’t know how to trust people without getting burned, and I know it keeps me from enjoying relationships because I always feel that I must be vigilant and not tell people too much. The person who has betrayed me has twisted things that I said years ago and lied. And this same behavior has been with people who are supposedly Christian.

  • Zeth L

    September 28th, 2016 at 1:46 AM

    can i fully trust a friend..?

  • fif 17

    October 27th, 2016 at 2:53 AM

    Lovely page, Stick to the very good job. With thanks!.

  • Ills

    October 28th, 2016 at 9:08 PM

    I’m cutting straight to to chase. Basically I have a boyfriend and he’s had trust issues with me ever since a little incident. We exchanged passwords with eachother for particular social medias and I found something that he sent his ex and I brought it up. Ever since then he’s lost trust with me, not willing to talk to me, little things like not sending love hearts not saying I love you as much and he keeps saying to me that “trust is like a piece of paper you can scrunch it up and when you straighten it out it can never be perfect again” but I don’t know what to do I love him and I don’t want to loose him. I need a way to overcome this because it can cost our relationship.

  • JAS

    January 22nd, 2017 at 8:01 AM

    At age two my mother broke one leg, and the sister broke the other right after. I don’t ever remember any female doing anything for me, ever. My mouth is slightly different than most, it isn’t deformed or anything, so females make the same faces at me wherever I go due to their own insecurities…..41 years worth of torture. I’ve been approached once in my life by a female, and was scared to death. Last night at a bar with live music, many were interested in me it seems, I’m considered cute, but I’m utterly crippled, and when a woman’s intuition fires when they detect something, they never are cool enough to go against it. One sat near me at a table so we were the only two, she was like, it, but again, I have nothing. I’ve never had a girlfriend, or a friend that is female, again, not a one has ever done anything positive for me….I’m what you call up shit creek. Men I tend to overly trust……females I trust not in the slightest bit for anything. I can’t trust females to even be in my presence.

  • Myself

    March 5th, 2017 at 12:14 AM

    Hello, right now I am having friendship issues. Umm.. a few months ago, my friend, lets call her K had a dream about my friend, J. Friend K told my other friend, friend A about the dream. You see, friend J is like the “role model” in our class, our class president, im vice president. When friend j is choses as a group leader, most of the time she speaks with a really cold voice, a scary voice, most of the time but not every time but she doesnt really talk like that when talking only to us, her friends.Okay, so friend K told friend A. Friend K said that in her dream, friend j was speaking with a cold voice. I dont really remember cuz it was a few months ago but i think friend k said that in the dream friend j said “its all your fault”… ? I dont rwally remember but something about those lines. At that time, there are a few times in class or when3ver we pass friend j, friend j wouldnt talk to us or look a horrible look, like a glare but only sometimes, mostly she smiles. So, after friend k told fri3nd a. Friend A suggested that(here comes the worst part) to confirm the dream, they should give fri3nd j the cold shoulder. I honestly dont know why she thought of that. Me friend J and friend a have been friends for 9 whole years and thats more than half of our lives! So, they did it. Their plan was to do it for one day but, because of some messups it became a week and turned into a month! After that month friend A told friend J what they were doing. After that, friend J hasnt really been talking to them bu4 she is still talking to me. My friends want to talk to friend J and say their sorry but, friend j keeps giving them horrible an mean comebacks. Im also affected because the smile she gives me looks so fake and plastic it makes me feel hprrible to the point wherein i could cry. I really want to resolve this problem, what shpuld i do if she doesnt even wanna talk?

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