By Joyce A. Thompson, MS, LMFT, Abuse Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Being a survivor of childhood abuse is hard enough. But when one finds the ‘right’ therapist and begins the recovery process in earnest, it can be even more difficult! It’s critical that you be kind to yourself during this time in your life. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and not to chastise yourself with ‘should’ and ‘should not’ comments or attitudes towards yourself. Realize that everyone recovers at their own pace; everyone is unique in this process. If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent and spew! If you find yourself feeling happy, don’t feel guilty that you are enjoying the moment. All of this is ‘normal’. Whatever you do, don’t stuff your feelings!

It’s important to take extra good care of yourself during this time. Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle and don’t feel guilty if you have to ask others for help. You will tire more easily during this time – both physically and emotionally. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you desire the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you. Don’t spend time with others out of guilt. This is a common occurrence that happens between survivors and members of their family-of-origin. If you need that space, honor it! If family-of-origin members (or others) try to make you feel guilty, remember that only you can allow that to happen. It does take strength to stand up for yourself. But as a survivor, you already know that you are strong and you can successfully survive this as well.

This is a good time to find a support group with others who are going through similar recovery issues. Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to who are going through many of the same feelings and who will understand. Relatives may be unable to offer you the support which you need, especially if they were somehow involved in your abuse. Friends may not always be the greatest form of support either, as sometimes they can grow resentful that the friend they have known is now somehow ‘gone’; caught up in their past. They might say things like, “Get over it!” which of course would be tremendously painful to hear. Although it can be tempting to isolate from most others, this is not a good idea because now more than ever, you need the support of others who understand and care. Ask around for suggestions from others who might know of a group which would be a good fit. If you are already in therapy, your therapist might know of a group which would be helpful, or he/she might actually lead the very group which you are looking for! As you make friends with fellow group members, learn to ask for and accept help from others, even if it’s just asking for a listening ear. Amazingly, support group members often make friends that end up being good friends for years to come.

Although you learned to show only strength to endure your childhood, learn that it is okay to show weakness and vulnerability when you are around others who are ‘safe’. Learn that it’s okay to seek and accept the help and support of others. Let others know how they can be most helpful. Maybe you need someone to listen to you rant and rave. Or maybe you need someone to sit quietly as you cry. Perhaps you just need someone to sit in the next room as you get some rest, to give you an extra measure of feeling safe. People often don’t know how to best be helpful. It’s okay to let them know.

Oftentimes, being in recovery from childhood abuse issues requires more than a support group and good friends. Oftentimes it requires the help of a professional therapist who is trained specifically in this type of recovery work. Oftentimes, therapists who specialize in this type of work have overcome their own issues of childhood abuse. They can be a wonderful resource, as they truly do understand the intensity of pain which you are experiencing. They will ‘get it’, and this can lessen the guilt and shame of the survivor to know that the therapist will understand and won’t judge them.

Try not to compare yourself to other survivors. Remember, everyone heals at their own pace; there is no right or wrong way to heal and no timeline to follow. Know too that although someone else might be going through survivor healing, their past journey may have been a lot different than yours. Try to embrace yourself, exactly as you are. Accept that you have much healing to accomplish, but that you are well worth it! Take pride in the progress which you’ve already made. Most of all, honor the child that you once were for being so resilient and for enduring all that you have.

As hard as it is for you right now, try to remember that you will survive, even if it feels as if you won’t. You will make it through the healing, because you made it through the original abuse. You are much stronger than you realize, even if you feel that you aren’t. You are no longer a small, helpless child. You are a survivor! Eventually, although you may not believe it at this point in time, you will come out on the other side, much stronger than ever before.

©Copyright 2009 by Joyce A. Thompson, MS, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile