Comments on: Sex and the Ailing Marriage: Choosing Counseling over Resignation

By: Stuart Kaplowitz, MFT

Stuart Kaplowitz, MFT — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:44:54 +0000

I know there is a lot of merit to this article and believe it can be most helpful for clients. That said, I firmly believe Dr. Buehler makes an excellent point. In my work, I know how enhancing the overall relationship can indeed enhance the sexual part of the relationship and yet that piece needs to be delved into as well. Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT

By: Teah

Teah — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:04:04 +0000

it would be great if both great sex and a great relationship were available in one person… What I mean is.. some have great sex, but the relationship and closeness isn’t there while some have great relationship, but the sex is lacking…. It would be nice to have both.

By: Felicia

Felicia — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 22:12:58 +0000

I have to disagree a little with Daisy.. I think many would be lying if they said sex really didn’t matter.. It does to me, but it’s not the main thing….I dont want someone just lying there and not doing anything, but I also don’t want some to think they have to have it every single day neither.

By: Daisy

Daisy — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 22:11:13 +0000

No one said marriage was easy or would be easy.. as with any relationship… it takes work… as with the sex of it….it does help if the sex is spiced up every once in a while… but sex isn’t everything.

By: Vanessa

Vanessa — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 11:27:49 +0000

I agree as well with Dr. Stephanie… I am 38 years old and for me I often think something is wrong with me. There are so many times i just want to go to bed and don’t really think about having sex.. Maybe it’s cause I’m getting older, I don’t know… My husband even points it out that I’m not as interested as I used to be.. I often think, if it’s not the same thing over and over maybe I would be interested.

By: Gayle

Gayle — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 15:10:29 +0000

I dont know if I sound crazy but I’ve stayed in a loveless marriage for the last 5 years cos the sex has been great. I guess I dont have any expectations out of my spouse and neither does he. I dont think we are “faithful” to each other but that hasnt really bothered me or him. We dont have children by choice and I think that has not made it complicated.

By: Holly

Holly — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 09:23:35 +0000

It’s very difficult to go on when love has died. Sometimes what kills it most is having no time at all. The mundanity of everyday life and long distance in a relationship kill the connection like nothing else. Sex doesnt fix things where love doesnt bind.

By: Dr. Nicole Coffelt

Dr. Nicole Coffelt — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 02:43:52 +0000

It is my earnest wish that more couples would pursue counseling much, much earlier than they actually do. As a therapist, the biggest dilemma that I see on a regular basis is that people pursue this avenue after one or both have entered a state of hopelessness. This is often too late. While such despair may be evidenced by an infrequent or nonexistent sex life, it can also be demonstrated in many other ways… a lack of respectful communication, a sense of apathy with regard to the other person or the marriage as a whole, etc. Another powerful force that has a tendency of sneaking in and eventually damaging the closest of relationships — but which we have the power to dilute — is that imposed by unresolved emotional wounds from childhood and/or past relationships. I just picked up a fantastic book on this topic that (so far) I’d highly recommend: “When the Past is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships,” by David Richo. Could be a helpful resource to add to the list of books by John Gottman for therapists and couples alike.

By: Julian

Julian — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 10:59:16 +0000

I think everyone at some point likes to delve in fantasy and watching porno doesnt make you an addict. Unless of course you do it everyday and find yourself slipping into a zone of must have. I believe understanding and accepting each other goes a long way when life takes a little zing out of the love. Sex is only a by-product of that.

By: Olivia

Olivia — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:59:30 +0000

The ultimate result from this though from my standpoint is that marriage is not just something that you can give up on. Yes that is often the easy way and there are situations in which there is abuse and cruelty that of course the relationship should end. But in many other instances we must make a better effort to keep families intact and together. Do not give up. We all know that there are some fantastic family and couples therapists out there and available along with sex therapists who have loads of information that every couple can use to get their relationships moving again in the right direction. Sometimes it seems that couples hit a bump in the road and they are ready to throw in the towel. Marriage cannot continue to be looked at this way. It takes effort and work to keep a marriage strong and there will always be peaks and valleys. But I am a firm believer that if you work at it that can only make a relationship stronger than ever before. I wish that others could get to the point where they feel the same. Marriage is a scared institution and you have to be willing to give 100% all of the time to make it work.

By: Paula

Paula — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:56:24 +0000

Well I think there are some very different issues here. It is one thing when a couple does not have compatible sex drives- it is another when the connection happens to be missing elsewhere in the marriage and just happens to carry over into the bedroom. Not everything can be fixed with great sex!

By: Kelly

Kelly — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:32:02 +0000

Dr Buehler I agree with you. I think that when there is a mismatched desire in the bedroom from either party that has to be fixed as well. People can have a great relationship outside of the bedroom but real issues there that continue to hurt the overall relationship.

By: Dr. Stephanie Buehler

Dr. Stephanie Buehler — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 03:46:48 +0000

I am a sex therapist, and while I agree with some of what you have written, I don’t agree 100%. For many couples, it is a myth that if you fix what’s wrong outside the bedroom, they will start having sex.

The fact is that we get poor sex education–it’s all the 2 p’s–plumbing and prevention. People get into long term relationships and they don’t understand the level of communication that needs to occur to keep sex passionate and meaningful. And, a whopping 40% of women and 30% of men have a sexual dysfunction–and that’s probably under reported. BTW, the stat that I have on sexless marriage is 25% of marriages. If this was an illness, it would be called an epidemic.

My wish is that more therapists would have deeper and broader training in human sexuality so that fewer of them would continue subscribing to the myth of “fix the relationship, fix the sex.” Sometimes sex really is bad, or desire is mismatched, or someone has an aversion to sex, or sex is avoided because hurtful comments have been made. These symptoms deserve to be treated as such.
Dr. Stephanie Buehler

By: Sandra

Sandra — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:59:14 +0000

This article is speaking directly to me. I found out very recently that my husband has been using internet pornography for years now, and suddenly everything became clear to me. We had always had a very good sex life as far as I was concerned but it was becoming increasingly difficult to have a connection in the bedroom. He really did seem to be very disinterested in me. I thought for sure that he was having an affair. And i guess in a strange way he was, only it was not with just one person. It was with the hundreds of porn websites that he frequented over the years. I was so angry that I could have knocked his head off. But I knew that in order for our marriage to survive I had to come to a time and place where I could forgive him and begin the hard work that it would take to move on. We have entered couples therapy and you are right- it is not just about sex but about learning how to reconnect with one another. I have to learn that this was not about me and that he has to be the one to deal with and overcome this compulsion to seek an escape from life online. It is hard work but I have faith that we will get there.