Keeping Romance Alive While Undergoing Fertility Treatment
February 17th, 2010
By Jennifer Harned Adams, Ph.D., Fertility Issues Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
February is commonly viewed as a month for romance, love and intimacy, but it can get into the Valentine’s Day spirit when you and your partner are working hard to get pregnant and sex has started to feel like a chore.
When couples first start trying to conceive, the idea of having sex without contraception is often liberating and exciting. Having sex with the knowledge that it might result in the creation of a much-wanted baby is exhilarating, hopeful and an act that often brings couples closer together. Unfortunately, when getting pregnant is difficult, it impacts the couple’s intimacy on many levels.
The sense of loss associated with infertility can challenge the closest of couples. There are many losses associated with infertility, and many of these are associated with intimacy and sex. Even before embarking on fertility treatment, many couples experience a decrease in spontaneity as a result of having carefully scheduled sex. This shift can lead to sex becoming a “mechanical” experience, and the pressure to perform can lead to anxiety for the male partner, which may result in problems in sexual functioning. For some couples, this can lead to a dynamic in which one partner feels like they need to keep the conception efforts on track, while the other feels resentful at the fact that sex more of a task than a pleasure.
Loss of the conception fantasy is also traumatic for many couples. Most couples imagine conceiving their baby after a romantic evening and a bottle of wine, not after invasive medical treatments and a cocktail of fertility medications that can wreak havoc on one’s weight, body image and mood.
With so many themes of fear and failure invading the bedroom, it is no wonder that many couples undergoing fertility treatment experience problems related to sexual desire, sexual performance and decreased satisfaction with sex. Fortunately, good sex and babymaking doesn’t have to be an “either-or” experience.
When one partner is experiencing a decrease in desire due to the stress of fertility procedures, the other partner can begin to wonder if they are no longer attractive or loved. It is important for both partners to talk about the impact of treatment on their sex drive in an open and loving way.
Due to the invasive nature of fertility treatments and negative side effects of fertility medications, many women find it hard to find the desire to have sex, but they still wish to be physically close with their partner. Some couples find it helpful to find ways to be physically intimate in ways that don’t include to pressure to have sex. You might consider nonsexual forms of touching, such as massage or just cuddling on the couch, as an option to touch and be touched. Agreeing in advance that the massage (or other physical touching) will not end in sex will take the pressure off and allow you and your partner to enjoy being close. Many women say that they are afraid to hug or kiss their partners for fear that it will lead to their partner wanting sex, so they simply stop touching at all. Talk with your partner about your need for physical, non-sexual intimacy, and ways that you can cue one another when you just need to be touched but would rather not have sex.
For some couples, the bedroom becomes a scene of frustration, fear and sadness due to the inability to conceive. If these feelings are preventing you from having sex, consider changing the environment. Get creative – go out for a night on the town and stay in a local hotel, or rearrange your furniture or redecorate to give the room a new energy.
If planning for sex specifically for procreation purposes has led to you never having sex “for fun”, consider purposely planning to have sex at a point in your cycle when you know there is no chance of getting pregnant. This will take the pressure off of both of you, and eliminate the need for wondering if you are pregnant, and potentially feeling let down afterwards.
It can be awkward to talk with your partner about sex. If issues related to sexual intimacy become a source of significant distress, consider working with a therapist who has experience working with couples coping with fertility issues and sexuality. A therapist can help you have these difficult conversations and get you back in the bedroom!
©Copyright 2010 by Jennifer Harned Adams, Ph.D., therapist in Denver, CO. All Rights Reserved.
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4 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
It is extremely important to be close to your partner during a tough period and more so in this case because it involves both the partners and the relationship. Otherwise, the time may have a very bad effect even to the point of threatening the relationship itself.
My husband and I are going through this very thing right now and let me tell you it is hard to keep the romance going when it seems like sex has lost it’s fun- it’s all about the timing and making sure you are doing it on the right days etc. I have tried not to think about it so much but when you have tried for a baby for this long it feels like everything has to be just right to make it happen. Really loses that spontaneity that makes sex so much fun in the first place!
When this is going on I had to learn the hard way that you cannot let it consume your life. I have encountered many couples over the years bwho say that this very thing led to a breakdown of the marriage because you lose sight of the important things in the relationship and it all becomes about the outcome and not the journey to get there.
I agree, because as a wife i always make it a point that looking attractive to your husband is a must. im not saying that we need to have sex all the time but we need to have a quality time for us to feel that we still love each other.
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