Compliance Instead of Defiance
April 28th, 2011
By Kelly Sanders, MFT, Child & Adolescent Issues Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Kelly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I went to a Mothers Together meeting and there was a presenter that addressed how to get your child to be more compliant than being defiant. It was very interesting. I am going to share some of the information that I heard and found interesting as well as some of my own information.
Children want to have control and when they don’t, they act out. That makes sense. If I can’t control something or I feel out of control then I need to be in control of something. For example, when a mom is so overbearing and domineering toward her female child, then potentially the female child can become an anorexic or a bulimic because she is able to control the food that goes in and how the food comes out. We all want to be in control and find it frustrating when we do not have control. In reality, we have very little control over our lives. We do however have control over the choices we make, how we respond or react to situations and to people, how we spend our time, money and our talent. Children don’t feel that they have control at all.
Here are some suggestions to help children gain more control in their lives.
- Have them dress themselves. If they want to wear stripes with polka dots then let them but take lots of pictures to share with them later! The presenter gave us this question to ask ourselves: Will this matter in the next 5 years? In regards to the clothing, no. Chances are in 5 years, the child will be more worried about what he/she wears and will know how to match. So, if the situation won’t really matter in the next 5 years, then allow the child to make his choice.
- Limit the rules that are in the home. When children have too many rules, there will be more defiance. Again, more rules more out of control feelings. So, the rules to have would be under these categories: Safety, Health and Moral. For example: when your child is in the car, they must be in the car seat or have their seat belt on, right? That is a safety rule. When you ask the question: Will This Matter in the Next 5 Years?? The answer is a YES!!! We want our children around so that is one rule that won’t be compromised on. Got it?
- Allow your child to have feelings. Anger is an emotion. He will be mad when he can’t have 3 cookies. It is okay for him to feel angry, however you want to teach him how to respond to the anger, not react to it. So, if your child is angry, it’s okay for him to feel that way. It’s not okay for him to hit or throw things when he’s mad. That would be a violation of a moral or a safety rule because that temper will matter in 5 years and be harder to control! If your child is angry, you can help him to calm down by talking out the feelings and even saying if he needs to calm down, he can go to his room and to relax. When a child is allowed to experience his feelings in a healthy way, he will learn how to control those feelings.
- Point out the positives. The presenter said that if you tell your child 3 positive things that they did or about who they are before they go to bed, they will be more relaxed to go to sleep and wake up calmer. So, you want to tell your child, how proud you are of them, how well they shared or cleaned up, how well they listened, how much you love them. It takes 10 positives to every 1 negative. Most people respond well to positives and there are some that do not, but generally kids respond well to positives. Start somewhere – your child is not always doing something bad. You may have to look hard for the positives but they are there!
- Lastly, this goes with feelings especially if a child is angry. Pick a word that all will use when they are really mad to help them relax. Like in the movie by Adam Sandler “Anger Management”. The calming word was: Grousefrabba. When that word was said, Adam began to be more relaxed. So, if the family picks the word: Sugarplums, then that is the point to where people need to calm down, relax and then the situation can continue. This also helps the child to not feel so overwhelmed. The child can say the word to you, to help you calm down, but the child cannot give you a punishment. That’s not the child’s job.
Well, these are some of the things that I learned from the presenter and was reminded to do for myself. We are the child’s teacher in their lives, and as parents we shape our kids of how we want them to grow up.
So, in short, for parents: allow your feelings to show but respond to them so you can teach your child how to respond to his/her feelings; use a calming word for yourself; ask yourself: Will this matter in 5 years? When a child has more control then there will be less defiance and more compliance.
©Copyright 2011 by Kelly Sanders, MFT, therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
The “Will it matter in 5 years?” question is a good way to guage and judge whether a particular rule can be compromised on. I’m a proud father of a one year old baby girl and these tips will definitely be of help to me and a lot of other parents I’m sure.
When I began to relax some of my control over my child that is when she and I were able to develop a much closer and stronger relationship. It was when I stepped out and gave her a little freedom to step in, I think that she felt more like I trusted her and that it was easier for her to come to me when she felt like she needed me.
if you tell a child not to do something,the child will do his best to do the very same thing! so the best way to go about things would be to treat them as a part of the decision making engine and make them think about things and then show them why one thing is better than the other.they will then be much more inclined to follow what you want them to.
being hard and rigid will not work with kids!
I love the “will it matter in 5 years”. Heck, most of it won’t matter in 5 months! Even little ones will rebel against authority, especially if they don’t understand it. Too many silly rules are a waste of time and energy.
I agree on the dressing thing. As long as they’re dressed for weather, I don’t care if my kids wear pink and yellow stripes. If it’s not going to kill them, it’s not a problem.
Some days my daughter went to kindergarten like she was auditioning to join the circus as a clown LOL. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Anyway, wearing two odd socks comes back into style every so often. ;)
@ I used to get my clothes from Colorblind and Things, but now I’m a much more classy and professional dresser. I can second your statement. My wife despaired of me and my fashion choices for years until I gave in and let her choose my clothes. :)
There’s a difference between “Don’t do that” and “If you do that this will happen.” You can tell your daughters not to run going upstairs or you can tell them what will happen if they fall downstairs and bang their heads on the radiator at the bottom. If you’re going to make rules, explain to them on a level they can comprehend the consequences of not following them.
Parents that are overly controlling wind up with the most incompetent kids. You need to give them freedom or else you’re setting them up for failure. It’s okay for kids to get a few cuts and scrapes while they are learning. Those lessons aren’t forgotten as fast as you just saying something.
@Estelle: At the same time, you need to bring them up, and not drag them up kicking and screaming. Kids still need proper guidance from proper parents if they are going to be happy and productive in later life. They need to learn about rules and compliance at home first and at a very young age to prepare them for following rules at school, then in the workplace and social situations and so on.
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