This Year Stuff the Turkey, Not the Guests
December 24th, 2008
By Lee Kotsalis-Thulin, MA, RCC
As the holiday season shifts into high gear, here’s a plea for a different kind of moderation: let’s all hear it (softly please) for moderate hosting. Moderate hosting means fighting the urge to measure your success as a host by the amount of food and alcohol and sociability your guests consume. It means not pressing the matter when a guest turns down an alcoholic drink, or a second helping of pie, or a third pass under the mistletoe, and keeping in mind the golden rule of being a great host: always make your guests feel comfortable.
A number of years ago I was facilitating a therapy group for women addressing their addiction to alcohol. As part of the group, participants committed to abstaining from alcohol for the 8-week duration of the program. Although alcohol misuse is not an issue for me, I decided that I would support the women’s commitment by also refraining from alcohol use for the length of the group. That proved to be a lot more challenging than I’d anticipated. I thought having an alcohol-free life for 8 weeks would be pretty straightforward; if I chose not to seek out alcohol, alcohol wouldn’t seek me out. What I found instead was that abstaining from alcohol also required active – and often persistent – turning down of alcoholic offerings made by active, persistent, and no doubt well-intentioned hosts.
Similarly, the abundance of food that most of us are blessed to be surrounded by during the holidays can have a very different meaning for some people. Many of the men and women I work with are struggling to establish a “normal” relationship with food, one that is free from feelings of fear, panic, self-loathing, and loss of control. For these people, taking the underlying stress of the holiday season, combining it with omnipresent desserts, breads, and carbo-feasts, and stirring in a host who insists that, “these are my specialty, you have to try one”, is a recipe for disaster.
Lastly, a word on behalf of the socially introverted among us. I grew up in a Greek household, where “family” seems to include anyone who knows someone who knows your mother’s second cousin, and the party doesn’t really start until someone starts breaking plates. As a painfully shy kid, family holiday gatherings with their obligatory New Year’s hug and 3 kisses with relatives I hadn’t seen in a year felt more like trials to be endured than celebrations to be enjoyed.
So here are my tips for being the host or hostess with the most this holiday season: have plenty of festive and appetizing-looking non-alcoholic drink options available. Don’t question, cajole, implore or otherwise stress out a guest who turns down a drink. Have some fruit or other light dessert options available. Don’t press food on your guests or treat a refusal as a personal affront. Don’t pressure your guests to behave more socially than they want to; if you make a comfortable and accepting environment for your guests, they’ll find their own zone (and if that happens to be hiding alone under the coats reading Twilight, at least you’ve given them the space to be themselves!)
© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry
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Comments
Why is it that so many of us allow the holiday season to totally stress us out? The holidays are supposed to be about family and friends and love, not the tension that so many of us allow to permeate the atmosphere. We are having a very low key holiday season this year but in years past have had a lot more entertaining to do. But I have never let it all get to me. These are the things and times that I enjoy and look forward to most in the world and I will never let my spirits be dampened at Christmas. the season should be about so much more than that. Here’s wishing everyone a joyful and stress free holiday season this year and best to you in the new year!
Holidays for some reason are sometimes stressful. I find my self getting stressed when I am trying to cook everything all at once…. I come from a family that don’t really like alcohol or the thought of it in the house, which I on the other hand, like to have a drink while I am cooking. I think it’s a good idea to have something different for guests who’s not into the drinking.
Some of us are on diets and trying to watch what and how much we eat. I applaud anyone who hosts a holiday dinner and lets the individual decided on their own when they have had enough, not when WE think they have had enough.
I have some lost about fifty pounds this past year but had this fear that the holidays would be my downfall. At work clients were always bringing baked goods and the dinner parties felt like they would sabotage all of my efforts. I tried to remian strong and did so most of the time but I did encounter a few instances where I did feel the pressure from others to indulge. I just wish that everyone could just fill his or her own glass and not constantly remind me or think that they are reminding me of what I am missing by not having that one drink or monster brownie.
Congratulations Liza, that’s a significant amount of weight to release! In my experience, it’s enough of a challenge to differentiate all the voices in my own head when it comes to deciding what and when and how much to eat — am I eating because I’m hungry, or because I’m bored, or because it’s there, or because everyone else is eating, or because it smells/looks good, or because I’ve hit that ‘what the hell’ point etc. etc. For me, adding others’ voices, perceived pressure, or alcohol to that mix just jumbles it further.
There was one year where a hostess kept literally shoving things in my face and by the end of the party I was ready to shove her against the wall. I wish that more people could take no for an answer when it comes to refusing food and drink. If I want something then I am a big girl and I can get it for myself.
I am so bad. I want to be a good hostess so I feel that if someone is without food or drink in hand that it is my job to bring that to them.
I loved reading this one. I was in rehab 2 years ago because of a drinking habit in college which all started around the festive season. I stopped socialising a lot as I realised that it was the major cause of temptation. I got married 4 months ago and I had a house party for relatives and close friends. I did exactly this. The only booze in the house was punch and fresh home made wine. That’s all and in limited proportions.
I hated going to my cousin’s place this christmas. It was booze booze booze and end of the day it felt like a local pub. We had it all drunken brawls, the police knocking on our door and the worst hangover in my life. I would never do that again.
I am a diabetic from childhood and most festival food is out of bounds. Some of my friends have now started keeping me in mind when they plan their menu.
I experienced this same thing at a new year’s eve party the other night even though I rarely drink at all. I suppose this is the season of bringing outt he worst in your host, because if your hand is empty someone is always trying to fill it with something alcohol based. maybe all of this will end now that the new year has begun and for the most part the partying is through for a while.
Gracious host or not I think there are times when you have to be a little more in tune with your guests and their needs and shoving food at them all night long is not the way to do this. How about some pleasant connversation instead?
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