Tis the Season to Find a New Perspective Under the Christmas Tree
December 26th, 2008 |
By Sherry Gaba, LCSW
Click here to contact Sherry and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
As the holiday season un-folds with busy malls hustling and bustling with couples holding hands and buying special gifts for one another, there are many single people out there feeling left out from the holiday cheer. The season brings out that doom and gloom that there are no future dates on the horizon and New Years Eve will spent again alone watching time square drop the ball with your pet, although that doesn’t sound too bad. For starters, remember those mushy couples you see holding hands, they are the same couple that bicker, scream, and throw candy canes at each other, but it is your perception that is out of whack. With Santa almost down your chimney, you need to have a shift in perspective. Everything you have believed about the holidays can be viewed in a whole new light including your thoughts about dating, attending holiday gatherings, your self image, spiritual beliefs, and even patterns of behavior that might be contributing to your being a singleton.
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
For starters, if you plan on forgoing any of those holiday invitations because you don’t have someone to go with, go anyway. You never know who might be there. You certainly won’t have the possibility of a date sitting home watching old Seinfeld episodes. Parties give you the opportunity to show off that unique personality you have. Make sure you tell the hosts in advance you will be coming by yourself and they can invite other singles for you to meet. Also, let everyone at the party know you are single. They too may have phone numbers to give you for future dating opportunities of Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Create New Traditions
Maybe this season it is time to shake things up a bit and stop doing the same old thing expecting different results. For example, visit a holiday food pantry and feed the homeless, visit a nursing home, or join a group of singles to do charity work with, such as the national group, “Single Volunteers.” So what if that 90 year old at the nursing home drools all over you? There is no better place to meet a likeminded soul mate who is also into giving to others. Not to mention, feeling grateful for the fullness of your life after seeing how other less fortunate people live on a daily basis. Maybe your mother was right after all, when making you finish all your vegetables while telling you stories about the starving people in third world countries. Or maybe this year is all about you…..taking that cruise, club med vacation, skiing in Switzerland, or having a Zen season while meditating in the Tibetan mountains. If you really want to bring soul into your life, visit a local church or synagogue or just take the time to reflect what the holidays are truly about. If you are feeling adventuresome, join a singles group such as the Sierra Club or Athletic Singles, and maybe, you will be gliding down the slopes with the love of your life in spite of everything.
Change Old Dating Habits and Behaviors
Stop seeing dating as a hunt for a serious relationship but rather an opportunity to get to know some new people. Dating means exactly that, “dating”. In other words, it is the time to get to know someone’s likes, dislikes, flaws, baggage, their values or lack of them, and whether or not this person is a match. So often, you feel pressured to impress someone on that first date, as if it is your last date ever. You end up trying to impress them rather than being the charming person you really are. People can smell fakeness a mile away. They can see right through you. Sure it is o.k. to throw out those 90’s clothes for some new ones, but be you. People really dig someone who knows who they are, what they want, and how they are going to get it. . You might even show that vulnerable side. Get them to talk by asking provocative questions about themselves. But, please, don’t ask them to have a baby with you on the first date. Most of all stop focusing on one person during the holidays but date multiple people. I don’t mean at the same time, but know that the law of averages always works. The more you date, the better your chances are of finding true love.
Finding your True Self
Maybe the holidays are a time to appreciate being single. Maybe you are feeling the over 30 pressure where everyone around you is getting married and planning honeymoons. Perhaps your self esteem needs a face lift. Have you forgotten about all your strengths, sensitivity, generosity, and intelligence? Perhaps you have been trying so hard to be someone you are not and that special person hasn’t seen the deeper qualities you possess. During the holidays, it is a great time to reflect on what type of person you want rather than what type of person would want you. Maybe you have been looking in all the wrong places and they are right under your nose. You are so busy living on auto pilot and driving fast and furiously, that you are missing who is standing in front of you.
Finally, stop having expectations and getting attached to the outcome this holiday season. Surrender to the fact you are not in the results business, but rather in the “living” business. Stop pushing up stream and let the holidays be what they are designed to be. Let them un-fold as they are supposed to un-fold and there just might be someone waiting for you under the mistletoe.
©Copyright 2008 by Sherry Gaba, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Sherry and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
15 comments so far
Oh my gosh I remember those holidays of being single and what a nightmare I thought I was in then! I was always so down because I felt that I had no one special to share it with! But I totally get the point of this article. Much of my mid 20s could have been so much better spent had I focused more on the things that I did have rather than what I did not. I did not enjoy time with my parents and siblings enough because I was too busy concentrating on the fact that I did not have a partner to share it all with. I regret that now so even with my husband we try to spend as much time with our extended families over the holidays as possible. It is so important to have family in our lives, much more important than a fleeeting boyfriend or girlfriend. I wish I had figured all of that out sooner.
The holidays are a time for reflection and gratitude yet so many of us sepnd this time being down on oursleves. I vowed that I was not going to be that way this year and due to that I had the best Christmas season that I have had in years. I felt thankful to be with my family rather than so against it and a good time was had by me and everyone else there (at least I think so!) This was my year to make the change and I am so glad that I finally did.
Why should I not be happy to be single? I am young and have my whole life to find another person to love. I am just happy in the here and now.
I am married and have a kid who is 2+. I miss being single especially during the christmas season. Babysitters didnt work out for us and we just take the kid along wherever we go. It makes it difficult having an adult life with a kid in tow. It also doesnt make me more popular or more wanted at social events.
I felt I was incapable of finding a serious relationship and almost punished myself into dating all kinds of women, till my best friend got married. He hates life and I think I am better off being unmarried than unhappily married.I had a huge infatuation for a fellow colleague and asked her out a couple of time. Once I got to really knowing her, I knew this one was not destined for my love boat.
I definitely believe in the law of averages. I got married this year after a hectic dating season last christmas. The tendency to get close and carried away can be kept at bay by staying busy getting to know new people in the festive season.
I went to a small Christmas house party this year as the only single woman. I felt like a fish out of water and what made it more suffocating was the over zealous single men out there.
I usually go out with my husband every New Years Eve, this time, for the first time, we are staying home, doing something different. Can’t wait to see how that turns out.
I do get in the Christmas spirit once it’s here, but I just visited a school for mentally challenged people, and let me tell you, they are some of the most lovable people you will ever meet. It just brightened up my day and I was so glad I had went to visit them. I will never forget it. They seem like they are always happy over the little things.
I find myself so many times lately being down on myself and sometime, even tho I don’t want to, wishing I had more so I can make ends meet or live comfortably, not realizing that family and friends are the most important thing. I think I was happiest when i was living at home with my mom and we were barely getting by… Back then I had no thoughts of money, material things, just having fun. I wish I could get myself back to that way.
I think we need to remember to be thankful of what we have and not what we don’t have, not just around Christmas,but everyday. I have learnt this from my boss at work,numerous of times… Its hard to think this way, but it makes sense.
I am happy to say that I think I finally found my true self this holiday season. This was the first year in many that I just was not able to give to others everything that I wanted to for gifts. I had to think harder about what kind of message I wanted to say to the special people in my life. Being without some funds makes you get creative with gift giving but I think that for the first time in a long time it forced me to think about why these people were special and what I wanted to say to them. I hope that everyone found some meaning behind the things that I gave to them but most importantly I hope that they realize the love behind them.
Typically I am a little depressed over the holidays. I never feel like I have enough money, etc and that gets me down. Reading this though helped me gain a whole new perspective and I think I had a much better holiday season because of that. Thank you
I wish that I could find a way for my grown kids to find a new perspective. I always feel that they think what I give them is never enough- it is still all about the gifts for them. I suppose I have in some way failed them in that they do not seem to be appreciative of anyhting that they receive. It is always so and so got this, he is getting that, etc. When will they learn that the holidays are about so much more than this? Receiving is the unimportant part of Christmas- it is what we give that should mean the most.
I Love the holidays!! I am glad, that so far, that the holidays are very happy for me, although at times i do get a little stressed when trying to get all the food cooked! Although I can’t say about being single, since I am married, I think we all need to embrace the holidays and truly understand what the time of year really means.