Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts
February 18th, 2008
by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
The conversation began easily enough, “My brother is bleeding our parents into the poor house with his unending demands for money – money to support his addictions – and they don’t seem able to stop giving it to him, even though he isn’t getting any better. What can we do?”
Or we hear from the parents themselves, “How can I get my spouse to stop giving our adult daughter money she just spends on booze or drugs? Her promises are worthless and the demands endless.”
It’s not an uncommon condition. Parents are living longer, some adult children make childishness a career, and it isn’t easy to say no to a son or daughter, regardless of their age. Then add in the grandchildren, hostages held for ransom as your child essentially blackmails you into supporting their drug and/or alcohol abuse: “Give me the money or I will kill myself,” or “they will starve,” or “we’ll be on the streets,” is the implied or actual threat, yet the money does no good.
As parents you capitulate even as you destroy your own fragile financial security. You hand over cash, even though you know it’s useless, often wondering if your child’s problem is something you caused. You post bail, buy cars, pay rent, doctors’ and attorneys’ fees, and pay for treatment that they rarely see through and that usually doesn’t work even when they do. Funds intended to benefit the grandchildren disappear without benefiting anyone. The cycle continues until someone dies or there isn’t anything left to extort. It seems like the only choice.
But is it?
Though it takes toughness that’s hard to muster and support that even harder to find, there are alternatives. It means finding the courage to face the reality without being swept away by understandable emotions. Managing this means overcoming a lot of mythology.
The most destructive belief most of us have held at one time or another is that alcohol and drug abuse is an incurable disease over which the addict or alcoholic has no control. Believing this, how can any parent deny support to a sick child? This is the lever that every active drunk and junkie – and many “recovering” ones as well – use to control everyone around them: “I isn’t my fault and if you don’t give me the money I’ll die.”
The trouble is that drug and alcohol abuse, dependence, and addiction, aren’t really diseases, they’re choices – choices the alcoholic and addict made and continue to make. These choices can be unmade, but as long as you’re supporting them financially, protecting them from the consequences of their choices and behaviors, why would they change?
The answer to that is that they aren’t going to.
Most of us go though our lives wishing someone else would change. The reality is, however, that we can’t change anyone but ourselves. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it’s enough. When you change how you deal with your adult children they too are forced to change. How they change isn’t predictable, but they will change.
These reactive changes are the hard part. Initially they will probably escalate their aggressive behaviors to get you to return to the old status quo, no matter how awful that really was for everyone. That will include using their children to get to you.
And what about those grandchildren?
This is when the need for support comes in. It’s hard to stand up to the drunk or the druggie when they have no restraints on what they will say or do. Endless promises, threats, and blame will follow any interruption in the cash flow. You want to believe the promises, you succumb to the threats, or you cave in to the guilt that the blaming dredges up, no matter how real or ridiculous. But you need to stand firm.
So how do you go about doing what you know is right when everything seems stacked against you?
First it’s necessary to keep in mind what you already know: your child will bleed you dry and out onto the street before they will stop exploiting you. You also know that continuing will never benefit your grandchildren. That’s a fact. Hold onto it. Cut them off and they may in fact decide to die rather than clean up. Instead, begin to plan ways to taper off the support in return for demonstrated progress in cleaning up – and be prepared to either take on the grandchildren yourself or allow someone else to. Make arrangements or contact Child Protection or both. Explore the options.
Second, they can clean up if they are sufficiently motivated and the treatment mode is carefully chosen. That’s a bit of a problem, of course. Virtually all forms of treatment in the U.S. have success rates of less than 10% over two years. AA itself reports a 95% drop out rate in the first year, and most treatment is based on AA.
Third, it really is okay to save yourself and the rest of your family. An almost universally overlooked aspect of the relationship of older parents to adult addicted children is that the financial support actually rewards the child for their self-destructive choices and behaviors while penalizing the parents, other children, and grandchildren. What kind of nonsense is that?
So what’s a parent to do?
Remember that you don’t have to stay stuck in the insanity of the addicted child’s world. You can stay clear and not be sucked down in all of the usual “powerlessness” and “disease” model ad copy that only serves to perpetuate and justify addiction-based exploitation. Drug and alcohol abuse, dependence and addiction are a choice. Sometimes the choice makes sense, sometimes it’s accidental, and sometimes it’s crept up so gradually that no one noticed it for a long time, but it’s still a choice. So is cleaning up.
You can offer to help them sober up. It’s hard to find effective treatment, but you can look for programs with a multitude of options for clients, a diverse staff (not dominated by “recovering” individuals), aftercare that isn’t limited to attending recovery groups, and a focus on the clients strengths, interests, and future activities – not on the past, on drinking and using, or helplessness. Remember that the most common cause of relapse is a belief in powerlessness. Avoid any program that makes that belief part of their philosophy.
Start rewarding yourself and your family for achievements and accomplishments, not for destructive choices and habits and behaviors. You may not be able to keep a son or daughter from destroying themselves, but you and the rest of your family don’t have to go with them.
Finally, it’s good to get competent help in this process. You need to know, regardless of the outcome, that you have done everything possible, given every opportunity, and explored every option. The process of genuinely helping an adult child is difficult at best and outcomes, regardless of advertising copy, are very uncertain. Give yourself, your troubled child, and the rest of your family, the benefit of the best opportunities and support available.
Your addicted adult child is still an adult and will still make their own choices, one of which may be their own destruction. You can encourage and support other outcomes, but not by financing the addictive behaviors. Don’t let yourself be guilt driven, blackmailed, or intimidated into perpetuating the problem.
©Copyright 2008 by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D., therapist in Rolling Hills Estates, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
As the parent of two small children, this scenario of an adult child addicted to drugs or alcohol is one of my worst nightmares. I know that hind site is 20/20, so what can parents of adult children offer in terms of advice? How can you raise healthy kids that will have the internal strength and motivation to resist caving into the temptations of drugs and alcohol?
Yes, indeed, hind site is 20/20. But, I think just considering this threat when your children are so small is a huge first step. Research confirms for us that talking to your children from a small age about the dangers of addictive substances is key in this battle. Also, making sure they find activities they are good at that increase their self esteem is important. Also, be sure to make time for them that makes them feel special and worthwhile. The best way to combat a future addiction problem is to raise a child up so that he or she will know that there are things better than drugs and alcohol and that they are worth so much more.
I am glad that the author has let parents off the hook when it comes to supporting an adult child who is an addict. So many parents know they should stop supporting their child, but guilt steps in and gets in the way. With blogs such as this one, hopefully parents can start to see that giving an adult child money is enabling the child and his or her addiction. Real help comes in the form of ceasing financial support. And, the author’s suggestion to call social services is a sound one. If grandparents are willing to take the grandchildren and can provide a secure home environment, they are almost certain to receive guardianship.
I like the author’s reference to the pay off addicts receive when someone gives them money. I have had more addicts tell me they didn’t have to quit b/c they didn’t have a reason to. They were having all of their needs met while still being able to drink and drug. Sometimes, well intentioned parents can be the enemy.
I appreciate the comments and will address these issues in up-coming posts and articles. For now, it’s very important to have accurate information and to share it with children. The best source currently available is the SUNY site “Alcohol Problems and Solutions” which can be found at www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/ It’s also important to teach responsibility for behaviors and consequences and to protect children from counter-productive programs like D.A.R.E. which have been repeatedly demonstrated to increase drug and alcohol use in adolescents.
Thanks again for the thoughts,
Mary Ellen
As an alcohol & drug counselor and psychotherapist who often deals with family members of people with addicitons, I found Mary Ellen’s article to contain a great deal of good sense and helpful suggestions. Realizing that we can’t change anyone’s behaviors but our own can be a giant leap forward for the codependent family member.
I would pose a two-part response to Lyle’s question about raising children who aren’t likely to become addicts. There is a genetic component to addiction, so that if there are addicts in the family (parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles), it raises the probability that a person will develop an addiciton if they use drugs or alcohol. This part can’t be helped, but it can be minimized by family members who educate their children to the propensity to addiciton in the family by such actions as telling them about relatives, not having alcohol use as a centerpiece of family gatherings, seeing family members who have successfully participated in recovery. The other significant factor in predisposing a person to an addiciton (which could be something other than drugs or alcohol) would be a sense of emptiness and the feeling that the significant people in their lives (particularly parents) cannot be counted on. This begins in infancy. No parent can meet their child’s expectation 100% of the time! (To paraphrase Donald Winnicott, a pediatrician who became a psychoanalyst, one just has to be a “good enough” parent.) But the child must have the general sense that their cries (signifying wants & needs) will be heard and responded to in usually meaningful manner. This acknowledgement & sense that the world can be trusted expands to being supported and loved for what the child is, not what the parent thinks they should be; for example, allowing the child to explore playing a musical instrument (if that’s what they express interest in) instead of insisting that they play sports.
Becoming an addict may or may not be a choice. BUT whether or not a person does something about it once they realize they are an addict, IS a choice.
As Mary Ellen’s private practice partner, and sometimes co-author, I will note that the issue of addiction “running in families” should always be handled very carefully. The increased risk actually seems to be about 6%,and most of that can be explained environmentally as well as genetically, but, the self-fulfilling prophacy (and excuse) risk is very high indeed. The number one factor in relapse is a belief in “powerlessness” and anything, including a belief in unfounded genetic links increases both the likelihood of abuse and resistence to remediation.
Yes, a family history, just like a cultural history, increases risk, but this shouldn’t be exacerbated using it as justification. If anything it should reduce the excuses by warning individuals about their possible vulnerability.
And, of course, people should be equally educated with regard to the proven health benefits of moderate alcohol consumption. Everyone benefits when the demonization of alcohol ceases and realty replaces mythology. Would that more of that were happening these days.
Dr. Wilson’s comments are very important. While there is increased risk of dependency when there is a family history of this (the genetic dimension) it is NOT a 1:1, 100% issue nor is it even like eye color. The increased risk is notable, but it is still less than 10%. In a similar vein, the general risk of schizophrenia is about 1%, but if you have schizophrenic parents, the risk goes up by a factor of ten (sounds bad), but that only means a 10% risk…and, of course, there are environmental factors to consider as well.
This is a very helpful article and an excellent blog thread.
I am so glad to see the comments that this does not necessarily “run in families” but that it may well be more along the lines of self fulfilling prophecies. But that then turns the table on the addicts and takes away their excuse for why they do what they do.
My grrandparents have been the victim of a shameless alcoholic family member and child of theirs, and they continue to give and give and give yet get nothing in return. How do you teach this older generation about tough love and that money in this case will never buy sobriety?
Our late daughter became addicted to marijuana & prescribed medications.
As a child & young adult her life was full of promise.
She was involved with Scouting & many other not for profit groups. She was full of energy & idealism and worked hard to achieve graduate & post graduate degrees.
We were always careful to make sure our daughter stayed connected to the family and were mindful of the issues surrounding “enabling”.
We were helpless, the medical professionals treating our daughter would not listen (quoting privacy laws) and we slowly watched our wondeful child who had so much to give, lose control of her life & ability to make sound judgements.
She died aged 31 in 2006.
Where do the broken hearted go to be listened to?
Dear Jill,
What a very sad story. I am so sorry for you and your family. Your loss is profound. Where to go? I’d strongly urge you to find a person you can talk with about your loss, pain, anger, and saddness.
Dear Jill,
Yours is a heartbreaking situation. Losing a child is very hard, and seeing it coming and being unable to stop it is hardest of all. I too would recommend counseling with someone experienced in both grief and cognitive behavioral therapy.
My sympathies lie with you,
Ed Wilson
Jill,
I find your story heartbreaking, and can particularly understand your frustration in feeling helpless. My 26 year old is also addicted to narcotic pain killers, denying the problem and making frightening choices. I am also at wits end with the medical profession in that even physicians who know he has a problem continue to prescribe the drugs. When he is hospitalized, they will not communicate with us or sometimes even let us see him because of privacy laws. Thank you for sharing this-letting people know how the lack of support from the med. profession may have been contributed to your loss. Our son also was a gifted child, we knew all his friends and their families until high school when it became harder to do that. My heart goes out to you. I hope your have the support you need.
Thanks to everyone who comments on this site.I have a 39 year old daughter in jail who has always been a very difficult person to help.Very Low frustration level, maybe ADD and a strong personality were all aided and abbeted by my broken marriage ,my immature single parenting and an absent father. I kept trying to stave off disaster by providing money because I felt she was fragile or incapable of caring for herself. I admit to all of these failures but I always loved her and misguidedly intervened too many times to save her,give her a new start etc.I know now love is not enough. I did not have the experiences or knowledge to be a good guide.
Today I fear for my own safety due to her level of rage.Yes she has made choices and yes I have not helped to guide her as she needed but what do you do when you are emotionally still a baby and you have a baby .
At this point after thousands of dollars, a horrifying intervention attempt involving a specialist and her two best friends and too many heartbreaking conversations,I feel the need to save myself and other family members .Can I be forgiven. I do not know.
I have been searching for a “parent support” group per se, my 23 y/o son is a recent heroin addict. He is currently in a part-time evening program which I’m not convinced is doing what he needs. I read your blog and completely agree reagarding us as parents enabling him to continue. He is living at home, so we are in a way supporting him-he eats, sleeps, showers and does his own laundry here-we offer him no spending money, he tells me he begs for gas money. I feel that he is motivated for recovery but his girlfriend (she’s 28) who is a long-time addict is still in the picture. He had never used before being involved with her, when he met her she was clean. I’m not blaming her, his using was his choice. I asked him if it meant that he had to give her up for a while to get better, would he-his answer was no, so I’m not convinced that this will work for him. I believe as long as he remains with her, he doesn’t have a chance at recovery. I am angry that he has chosen this route. Where can parents go to get the support for this? There are all kinds of AA/NA support groups for addicts, but I can’t find support for us and his siblings.
Frankly, there aren’t any good support groups for families. Those that do exist tend to follow the AA/NA model (Alanon) but have the same problems as AA/NA – a misguided model and focus. The best we have come up with is to remember to detatch from a situation you didn’t create, can’t fix and can’t control. Set clear limits with your son and set clear deadlines for eliminating support and keep them (i.e., don’t set conditions you won’t stick to). Frequently we play the role of intermediary so you may want to look for someone to fill that position. Also, look at the materials available at http://www.threeminutetherapy.com and see what applies to your situation. Feel free to call us as well.
Many parents I see have found Alanon to be very helpful and supportive. While it is primarily for the family members of alcoholics, I do think you too will find it very helpful. If you call your local United Way they can give the tele number for the local Alanon or AA office that you can then call to get schedule and location information. You may want to go to several different groups as each one tends to have its own “personality” and you may need to go to several until you find one that fits for you.
regards
Art
This is the saddest website. Parents and loved ones seeking solace because of a lost loved-one.
What is the answer.Who knows. My beloved daughter died recently. It was a natural death, I guess, that’s what the cororner said anyway . She was not speaking to me, because she did not want to listen to me about the choices she was making. I can’t really tell you how badly that hurts. I know tough love is the way to go but sometimes you have to pay with guilt. I just know she wasn’t well, she loved me very much,and i don’t know how I can bear life wihout my sweet girl. I have to remember the daughter she was before the addiction took her from me. Even then, I love her more than words or pain can say.
She was onyl 39 years old.
This site is making me face the fact that I am enabling my daughter (25) she finished an in house program about 3 months ago. When she came out she moved to a new city, got a new job tried to get new friends. I don’t know really how she is doing, other then the fact that she is not keeping up with her bills and it seems like an endless effort to help. She wants to come home and I don’t know how to say no. My Husband and I are well off and planning a trip with our other younger daughter to celebrate her graduation from highschool she is totally different from our older daughter. My 25 year old makes us feel so guilty about the trip. She had such a promising future now shes just so angery all the time. I don’t know if she is using but I just feel that something is not right. When I question her she gets really mad and tells me she is fine. I love her so much and want her to do well.
Jessie,
If you feel that something is not right, it probably isn’t. You have to make the decision to enable her or to cut her off. It is a lose, lose situation, i’m afraid. I hope she is doing better, by now. If she is, you will know in your heart, otherwise, pray for her.
I feel like I could have written several of the comments on this website. My 29 year old wonderful son (before the addiction), a college graduate, was arrested again tonight. Just hours before the arrest, I once again had the delusion that he was clean. I have enabled, I have tried, I have cried, and I have failed. One of the comments above is so true: lose/lose. He has lost so much, and my family has lost my son to the ravages of the drug epidemic in this county. Maybe we parents of addicts need a “bailout” ourselves. I KNOW that I do. Remember the “War on Drugs”? I do believe that we have lost that war. Tough Love? Yes it is. The person who wants to teach very young children makes me feel so guilty, because I took it for granted that my children would know better. What an idiot I was and am!
That this is a common tragedy is demonstrated by the continuing stream of readers both here and in other places where we’ve published variations on this article – including Australia where it’s been reprinted as a social services handout.
But that doesn’t fix anything, unhappily. Nor did the “War on Drugs” or various other approaches, nor does “treatment” which, in the U.S., is still obsessed with cult mentalities, discredited disease models, and being satisfied with a less than 5% efficacy rate.
What does work? Occasionally we are able to work with families as a whole because drug and alcohol abuse always occur within a context, and the abuse is always a choice on the part of the user. That is the devistatingly obvious flaw in most approaches to abuse and dependence, the idea that the person using the drugs or abusing alcohol is “powerless” over their “addiction”. This is simply nonesense.
But so-called “addicts” and their apologists have succeeded in spreading this myth far and wide until most people have come to accept it. And that means that people continue to support the drug/alcohol abuse with the result that the addict/alcoholic has absolutely no reason to change their behavior. Hand me $8,000 a month, as one recent couple was, and I will hardly change a life style that’ll actually require me to be responsible for myself.
What can work? Weaning the person off of their access to financial support, frequently with third party support, and meaning it. Refusing to be blackmailed, emotionally or otherwise. Refusing to provide money to an addict if you aren’t giving equal amounts to your other children. Better yet, give to the others and let the addict know that getting their share depends on cleaning up first.
Other ideas? Remember that drug and alcohol use and abuse are always choices that the abuser is making and they are choices that can be changed. Stop rewarding the use and abuse.
Our sympathy to all of you – we have been on both ends of this problem and understand the frustrations, hurt, anger, and, yes, dispair. But while you are not able to control the outcomes, you aren’t powerles to make changes that can result in the best chances of favorable change in your son or daughter.
Thank you to those that created this website – I am a mother of a 30 year old I.V. methodone addict who has been using this oral form of medication to inject into her body, she has chosen to do this for the last 7 years although it feels like forever. The saddest thing about this for me at this incrediable burnt out moment in time is the fact that she is raising a child. A child who I love and adore and the carnage is hofific. Yes I have had legal custody, those of you who will understand know that I have exhausted every avenue of help and hope and am emotionally financially and psychologically burnt out. I read other peoples stories and instantly understand, especially the quote “Fear for my own saftey because of her level of rage”.
I do not mean to take away from others grief but sometimes I think that death would be easier to deal with. I live in a nightmare. She also has a mental health diagnosis: Mood disorder. Of course the drugs and she is a poly addict, accentuate this condition.
I have had custody of my grandaughter but the love and loyalty and disfunction is such that she prefers to be with her mother as the roles in this relationship are reversed, the child does the parenting.
At this point in my life I am selling my home in this recession and moving countries to get away from this madness. I will always have a safe home for my grandaughter to come to should she wish that wherever I am in the world
I dont even expect to be happy anymore, I just want some peace in my life.
I am a widowed mother of 3. My youngest, in his 30s is my concern. I have read this with a view to him that he is not necessarily addicted to drugs, but perhaps, addicted to video games. He is a college grad., has been unemployed for a year, and not making much effort to find employment. Now living in my basement, he spends his time playing video games and is very good at “working” me. When I express my concerns, he argues that there are no jobs for him. I have already had to refinance my mortgage in order to pay for a college loan that I co-signed for him.
Do I get “on him” about all I’ve done for him? Do I make threats of throwing him out of the house?
Where can I get help in dealing with this issue? If you can direct me I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
It will not do any good to get on him. Get tough. good luck
Unhappily, as we have noted, your options are limited and talking won’t help – only actions will suffice.
We would suggest that while there are some factors in common with addiction, this is much more apt to be a case of avoiding growing up. Apparently he went from sheltered home to sheltered college back to burrowing in at “home” again. Regardless, his behavior is still a choice on his part.
Time to ramp down the support. Set some deadlines for contributing or leaving.
We don’t know where you are so it’s difficult to suggest specific resources but feel free to write us directly for more information.
Thank you very much for your input. Sometimes, especially as a single parent, it’s hard to trust my own instincts. If his father was alive I don’t think he would put up with his “failure to launch” nor would he have allowed two extra years of college because he was failing subjects.
He was diagnosed at age 9 as “classic ADD” and perhaps I’ve babied him because of it.
I will be talking with a counselor next week – a man, in order to get a male perspective – and that may help. However your responses have also been very helpful. Again, thank you.
You’re very welcome and if you’d like to call next week and talk to one of us we each have a lot of experience, some of which may apply. At least you’d have someone more to talk to.
Ed’s usually available by phone until; 8:00 p.m. Monday and Tuesday evenings for free consults.
Sorry to take so long getting back to you. Don’t know that I’m getting the “practical” advise I need with the counselor I spoke to.
Please let me know how I can reach you by phone – that is, time zone and phone number.
Thank you.
I am so glad to have found this web site. I to have a 26 year old daughter who I am certain is on drugs. She was doing fine until a year ago. All the sudden she could no longer afford to pay her bills, buy groceries, etc.
We let her move into one of our rentals and she was doing fine until around Christmas. She had all kinds of excusses why she could not pay her rent. We let it slide because she is our daughter that is having a hard time. Then, she just quit going to work all the while being reminded by us that her rent was past due over and over again. Then, she spent her tax money and unemployment checks on laptops, etc. and almost $3500.00 gone! Still no rent, no groceries, no electricity, etc. Her behavior is irrational, loosing weight, I found drugs in her apartment and THEN offered help in rehab or move. She did nothing so I served her a 3 day notice to move. She is now staying in a motel room. She has called me repeatedly to help her financially and I won’t until she agree’s to rehab. I did supply some groceries two days ago just to find out that she shared them with her low life drug friends… My heart is breaking as a parent and I’m finding it harder and harder to practice tough love but know I must. The last straw was yesterday when she got into a car accident and had her car that WE gave her totalled. It was discovered she had no insurance, no current registration and once again asking only for help and money. I declined both and again only offered help with rehab. She called me stupid for thinking she is on drugs and some other very painful comments. One would think these painfull words alone would help me to stay strong and not enable her but my heart is still breaking and am fighting the desire to help her since she will be kicked out of her motel at noon tomorrow. How do I stop my heart from breaking? I hate to see my own child homeless but know she must learn from her actions. If anyone has words of hope it would really be appreciated right now.
We understand the heart ache, and the heartbreak.
Unhappily, most of us have this underlying belief that there is a good choice in all situations – something that will make things right or better or okay. But experience teaches us that all to often we are left with the least awful of a lot of lousy choices.
When these time appear, as they have for you, we are stuck with looking at the alternatives. Obviously your daughter isn’t going to change her behavior as long as she can avoid it – no matter the cost to her. You don’t, however, compound the problem by supporting her at an ever increasing cost to you, a cost which merely helps her to dig herself into an ever deeper hole.
It really does help – albeit only slightly – to remember that she has no interest in changing at this point in time. That doesn’t mean that the time won’t come when she will decide that drugs and motels aren’t all that great a life.
It might help to call and talk to one of us and we are usually available Monday – Friday or read additional notes for families on our website.
Again, you have our support with a very very difficult situation.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. This is just what I need during this difficult time, someone who know’s what I’m going thru.
Today was another very difficult day. After loosing sleep last night over our daughters situation, hating the fact that I MUST be strong and not enable her any more and also realizing that although I must be strong with/for her, I must also allow myself the time to grieve. As most of you probably know only to well, it is such a feeling of loss and uncertainty right now. I find my emotions going up and down. My fear that I may loose her forever is almost to much to handle. My husband has reminded me that we must step back and allow her to get to a point of her asking for help and although I do realize this in my mind, I wish I could realize this in my heart.
I now realize that my daughters hatred and anger towards me are because I chose early on to not believe her lies and have pointed this out to her when she would call for money. Maybe I should have been like the rest of my family and just shut up and not said anything except that I would not help her but I just could not bring myself to listen to her obvious lies and not comment back. I have learned since that I must make any phone conversations with her short and sweet and to the point. No more calling her on her lies, just say no to her request and let it go. It has actually gotten to the point to where I have chose not to even answer the phone when I see it’s her calling and not respond to any of her constant text messages. It makes it easier to not hear any more sob stories or lies and just let it go. I have made it very clear that the only help I will give her is rehab. I just hope that message sticks with her when/if the time comes that she realizes she needs it and wants it.
Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
I received a call last night from my 25 year old son. He was crying and told me that he needed help. He has been on and off drugs and alcohol since the age of 15. My son has a heart condition and I am so afraid of getting that call. What can we do to help him? I am 50 years old and have a 16 year old daughter living at home with us. I desperately need some help. He has tried to kill himslef once and is trying to change his ways.
Monique,I truly feel your heartache. In my own situation I have had that same call from my daughter on more occasions than I can almost take. On the last call she made to me with this threat I told her I was calling 911 to get her the help she needed since she had denied my help in getting her to a Psych. My medical training has always taught me to take suicide threats very seriously so of course I did with my own child. I was totally shocked when her entire story changed after I said I was calling 911, so much so that it almost floored me. To date I have not received another call from her regarding that subject. She had cut her wrist in her late teens and I did the same thing… called 911 and got her into counseling so I believe she knew I was serious about calling. Luckily, when she did cut her wrist it was a superficial scrape but the undertones of her actions made me realize that she needed help. Most people who have existing mental disorders, the use of drugs or alcohol only amplify the disorder. I consider myself lucky that to date, her threats appear to be just that… a threat following my denial of money.
It was difficult to get her help then and even more difficult to do this now when our children are grown and can make decisions for themselves. We can’t force them to get help unless we have a court order and it leaves us to have no choice but to call 911 so they can be checked out and if the police feel they are unstable, they can do a 51/50 lockup for their own safety and hopefully get them the help they need. My feelings on this is that in my own situation, I felt that if a third party went in there such as the police, if nothing else they would find her under the influence or the drugs in her posession and she could be taken to jail for that alone. Although I don’t want to see my child in jail, for me, it was far better a choice than to possibly have her really go through with her threat. If the police intervene, a judge can also give a court order for them to go to rehab while on probation and if caught with drugs or alcohol while on probation, they are in violation and can go back to jail.
Although this choice was what I felt most comfortable with it may not be for everyone.
My prayers are with you in this most difficult time.
Thank you so much for your input Ruthie. I talked to my son today and he sounded much better, I know that he is trying to get clean. He told me today that he has got to get his life together. I also told him that I am here for him when he needs to talk, but I would not send him money for drugs or alcohool. He said that it was up to him to get better and he promised me that he would get better. I also told him to live in the moment and not in the past or the future. When he said goobye to me and said that he loved me, I know that the day will come for him to be better. I also told him that we loved him and that would never change but I would not be the one bying his drugs, he did not want money he said and just before hanging up he said again that I love you and I will change.
Monique,
I am very glad to hear that your son realizes he is in need of help and has the desire to get clean. That’s a major start. I know first hand how difficult it is to hear your child crying and upset. As a parent it breaks our hearts. Although we must be strong as parents it does not mean we don’t hurt. My last conversation with my daughter involved me being strong and telling her that the only help I would offer her was rehab and holding firm to that but, strong or not, once I hung up the phone I cried my heart out. Not only does it hurt that we must see or hear our children in this situation but also the hurtfull words they can say to us . I try to find peace in my heart knowing that I have planted the seed that we would help her into rehab once she makes the choice that she wants to change but I am still waiting for that call that she is indeed ready. It can’t come soon enough for me. I want my daughter back and our family whole again.
I wish you the best with your son and hope that all works out well for you and your family. As difficult as it is, we must all continue to hold hope that things will change for the better.
Take care.
I am the mother of a 22-year-old addict, and a 20-year-old with mental health problems. I won’t tell their stories now – you could just photo-copy all these parents’ stories, we are all so much alike. There are more common denominators than differences.
I am working on the detachment, I am not enabling, I am protecting my relationship with my husband and also guarding our finances. I know there is not much more I can do. What I need now is some HOPE. What are the common denominators in the people who do recover long-term?
Right now, I have almost no hope. I think if I had a glimmer of hope, and maybe knew something I could do that would be positive, life would be more tolerable.
Thanks!
Hi Dawn,As I’m sure most of us parents of Children addicted have done, I have read so many statistics, reports, etc. to find just the same answer. Some say alot depends on what drugs they are on, etc. but from what I have read and seen first hand, it tends more to be their desire to be free from the disease that matters the most. We all hear that someone must reach “rock bottom” before they are willing to get help and yet again, in my own situation I have seen my daughter hit what I would consider “rock bottom” on several occasions but still not asking/willing to get help. What gets me thru my own situation is that I use my best friends husband as an example. He was an alcoholic for years who had been in and out of jail over a span of several decades. We all knew the “real” person he was when he was not drinking but little hope was held that he would ever change. All of the sudden, one day, he just made a conscience decision that he was not going to do that anymore and got into some very intense counseling. When I had questioned him once about this, his response to me was that he finally realized that he needed to deal with his “ghost”. He had experiences in his life that he couldn’t deal with and found it easier to just escape by drinking. All those years he had been running instead of dealing and it got him no where. That was almost 10 years ago now and we have the wonderful friend back that we always knew was there. When I start to feel very discouraged about my situation, I call him. He has been a rock of not only support but hope as well. I’ve seen first hand that it CAN happen! I am a true believer that no one can do this alone. My belief system is that anyone that makes the decision to change needs counseling along with medical supervision to make the transition back into the real world as easy as possible. Dealing with whatever they are running from is a MUST in my book. While in my own situation I found it hard to believe that our daughter would have anything to run from since I feel we gave her the best life possible, the reality of it is that I truly don’t know what all she has gone thru in her life. She has put herself in some very bad situations and God only knows where that took her. She spent her teen years running away and trying to grow up too fast and I really don’t know what could have or did happen during that time period. This is where as a parent we want to just reach out and hug them and let them know that they can talk to us about anything and we will try to make it all better but if their running from their own mind, only they can make it all better with the help of a good therapist that they can talk with open and honestly and feel no guilt or shame in expressing their feelings and experiences with. Also, no matter if its drugs or alcohol someone is using, the need for medical supervision is a must. Detox from any of these substances can be life threatning and they need to be detoxed gradually to avoid any serious side effects of quiting.
I believe there is always hope and we must hang on to that hope. I would be lying if I said I don’t get sad and hurt and all the other feelings we parents have when we see our children going through this but to give up hope would just bring us down even more than we already are. Again, in my own situation I have found this easier to do once I distanced myself from my daughters problems and just put the message out to her that we will get her help once she is ready and will not help her with anything but that.
My heart truly feels for you at this time but I want to encourage you to keep the hope alive. I have seen first hand that it can happen.
Take care.
Talked to my son on Wednesday, he told me that he has been going to his meetings and is also in contact with his sponsor. It is a big relief to me and his dad and sister. He also told me that he went to put the money down at a College so that he can continue his education and wants to be able to help others in the future. I told him that we will support him with this decision and would pay for his education but the money would go directly to the college and he was happy with that. Is it a bad thing or am I enabling him again?? I just want him to be happy. I love my son so much and have been through so much with him? He is so kind and thoughtful to other people and has such a big heart. I hope that he means it and that I can go to sleep at night and not worry and cry myself to sleep.
Monique,
I’m so glad to hear that your son is getting the help he needs. I’m happy for you and your family. I’m not sure if it is enabling your son by paying for his education since the money would be going directly to the school but I do think you should be able to stay in contact with his counselor and make sure he goes. If for some reason he stops, you can then have him drop the classes by the designated date so you can get a refund of your money.
This will require alot of work on your part. Besides paying for the units there is also books, etc. to consider. These items will need to be purchased as well and as you said, you will not give him the money directly which means you will need to be there with him to purchase the materials for him if he can’t do it himself. If he’s working or has some source of income, maybe you could come to some understanding that you will pay for the untis while he pays for the materials?
I do hope that he starts off slow since his recovery should be first and foremost. Having too much responsibility and stress in his life could lead to the same old habit of escape again… As all college grads know, the studying, test and finals can be quite stressfull. I would like to think that his sponsor will remind him of this so he takes it slow at the start.
He has made the right start by going to his meetings and staying in touch with his sponsor and this makes me very happy for not only him but your family as a whole. I wish you and your family the best.
As for my situation, my daughter is coming over tomorrow for Easter dinner. I was surprised she wanted to come over since she was so angry at me for calling her out on her addiction and my suggestion of rehab but, if she wants to be here as part of the family for the holiday, I will welcome her with open arms. Although I must be strong, I am still a parent who wants my child to know that no matter what, I will always love her. On a brighter note, she has gotten her job back and is working just limited hours so she can attend her counseling and also just purchased a new/used car. Although I can’t dwell on the past, my regret is that I didn’t put my foot down sooner and step out of the enabling picture and force her to do things on her own. I won’t dwell on the past or the could have, should have’s, would have’s and just continue to move forward from here. Good or bad each new day is an opportunity for a brighter future. Some days are better than others but my hope continues on no matter what.
Happy Easter.
In reading and writing about all of the difficult situations parents face with their drug and alcohol abusing children – children of all ages – it is also heartening to read about those of you who have seen posative changes. It’s easy to forget that many people do in fact leave their self-destructive behaviors behind.
Part of the on-going problem remains, however. There is so much mythology that has been peddled as fact that it’s hard to know what to believe. “Bottoming out” is one such myth. This one is based on the equally false notion that drug and alcohol abuse are “progressive diseases.”
Equally unfounded notions include the idea that abuse and addiction are diseases – certainly abuse isn’t – and that most current treartment programs are effective – they aren’t. The vast majority of treatment regimens are counter-productive – creating and justifying more abuse than they end.
What does work? Unhappily, nothing works predictably. It simply isn’t possible for one of us to change another’s behavior. But we can support posative change (paying for college directly to the college is an excellent example) and refuse to mitigate negative consequences.
Another important possibility is to do your own research – real research, not treatment program marketing hype. You can find links to independent research on our website and learn what actually does work. You can also find help on this site, listings of professionals who do real treatment for real people.
Behavior change is a difficult process, and most of us don’t start until we feel sick enough of how we’re living to take a chance on the possibility of an unknown but better future.
Remember that drugs and alcohol do provide predictable and effective short term relief and that switching to a long term perspective is hard – as any smoker knows.
But successful change is possible, even likely, with the right information, assistance, and willingnes to wait – hard as that is.
Remember, most drug and alcohol abusers do “age out” of their misuse.
So, again, beware of false promises, myth based “powerless lifelong recovery”, and other indications that you are being “sold”, not helped.
Thanks, everyone. I feel strength in the fact that I am not alone in this. I also feel dismay that the problem is so widespread.
This is the most painful situation I can fathom, and I appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me.
Ruthie I had an EXACTLY same situation to yours, dot in dot, but my daughter is 27 and now she also joined escort service. What else could be worse? If you wish to contact me, it would be my pleasure to share my experience and to listen to yours.
I do not agree with some of you here. Talking about genetics addiction etc. that’s (in my opinion) it is a complete nonsense. Neither I or my wife we have never ever (and not our parents, or grandparents) taken any substances at all. We’ve immigrated about 20 years ago to the US from one of the country in Eastern Europe. Our life values and traditions are quite different then what our daughter has had learn here. Her complete education (including some private schools) was done here in the US. We (in on the other hand got our degrees in Europe). Someone might ask what that has anything to do with the described above situation. It does a lot! In my opinion and I highlight that in my personal opinion the ones who should be blame for a fate of our children are:
• The government itself. Why? Because of lack of a real and true engagement in the life of those young souls. In the US there are many restrictions but almost NOTHING done to show them (the young people) the alternatives. The US is maybe…and again maybe the strongest military power in the world, but at the same time its people are very isolated, misinformed and having problems with social interaction. So called American Dream is just a simple utopia and propaganda that fits well an so called élite, but just looking at the statistical data taken from many European countries, it is obvious that the quality of life over there I higher than in here. That Dream was a true reality maybe 50 or 70 years ago, but not now.
• The schools and the whole educational system. I’ve watched my daughter progress in school and she was one the best students through the whole education circle, but I’ve seen so many (in my opinion) poor methods of teaching here. Besides the methods themselves, there is lack of discipline, lack of real competition (because it is too stressful for students = nonsense), lack of justified distribution of funds and much more. For instance those who are good with let’s say football are financially rewarded, others are not. That’s completely wrong!
• Media = propaganda. American news are not really news at all, but “smart” prepared feed for masses. I’ve seen that before and I am resistant to that type of “information”, but millions are not and are easily manipulated.
• Way of so called: “American Life”. Teaching our children that we’re the best, strongest, richest and the rest doesn’t count will create isolationism, pompousness, arrogance and in the long run enemies. Openness, understanding, respect, tolerance and proper cultural exchange, on the other hand will create much larger and on the bigger scale richness to all of us in every aspect of life.
I do apologize any of you who might be insulted by my remarks. Some of you may ask, if I don’t agree with all that, why am I living here? And my answer to that is: I’m already making plans to go back to Europe.
Summarizing this (in my opinion) this is what can be done to protect future generation. Shield them VERY GOOD, talk to them a lot, read them even more (forget about TV), teach them tradition and values in life, have discipline and be consequent. That doesn’t mean to beat them up, but have strict rules that have to follow. Travel with them all over the World (if possible), show them different cultures and values, show them how other nation live, teach them other languages (very, very important).
How many languages you know – that many times you are a person said Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Good luck to all of you.
I am the mother of a 25 year old daughter who is addicted to drugs (I don’t know which kind, but there are several), alcohol and gambling. To say the past 7 years have been hell is to put it lightly other than the year she stayed sober while she was pregnant with our grandchild (thank God). Our grandson who is now 4 is with his father.
J has been in and out of our home for a couple of years now. For the last 3 weeks I don’t know where she has been. We have had contact via texting and phone calls. We do pay the $10 a month for a mobile phone because I just can’t stand not to have some link.
She says she wants inpatient rehab. She has no insurance of course (she hasn’t worked in over a year) and wants us to pay for a private facility. She has never been in any rehab programs and while we are not poor, we are not wealthy by any means. I am trying to get her to try state funded or sliding scale programs at least for this first time and am getting a lot of “you don’t love me” and “my friend’s parents have done this for them”. I don’t know what is right. We have tried to temper the “tough love” with being helpful but this is new territory. I don’t want to make her worse, but I don’t want to be an enabler either. I feel like this is something she will have to for the most part do on her own. Am I way off base?
Like many other unexpected addicts, this is a young woman who was a high school honor student, who held down TWO part time jobs, who had a BRIGHT future ahead of her. I don’t know what happened, but it is all wrong now. We also have a son who is getting ready to graduate from university next month. Whatever happened to J did not happen to our son, so I just don’t know what to think.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you, Janet
It’s always very difficult to decide what to do, and where to draw the line. It’s especially so when there is, as always, too little information to go on. But there are a few realities:
1) those who are motivated to change usually manage it;
2) those who expect others (parents, friends, employer, counslors) to invest in them first rarely accomplish anything;
3) pick rehab carefully – since she is bright and capable her best shot will be at a place that values that and builds on it – not any of the usual AA/NA based places that disparage intelligence and independence;
4) long term residential is usually counterproductive – the drug abuse has developed in context and will only be fixed in context (not that a change in geography isn’t helpful and even recommended);
5) additionally, she didn’t consult you about becoming a drug/alcohol abuser – and it was her choice – so she doesn’t have a lot of room to demand particular placements.
6) watch out for anyone pushing the long debunked “disease” model or who pushes “powerlessness.” Smart users quickly learn to use these false concepts to manipulate their families.
Otherwise?
If she is actually motivated and invested she will succeed. There are usually some fits and starts along the way, but it’s more than possible.
To educate yourself, pick up a copy of Changing For Good so that you will better understand how real change occurs and not be misled by rehab sales reps.
Read through the Smart Recovery website.
Good luck to you, and to her.
Janet,
please see the text from Mary Ellen and Ed.
In my own situation I contacted the County and found avail. help when/if my daughter ever decides to go. If there is no income such as in both our daughters situations, there is no charge (so i’ve been told). I have gone so far as to get the necessary info for her if she wants it but I won’t make the call for her or pay thousands of dollars either (in California where I live the cost of rehab can go as high as $10,000.00). During my own research I found that Counseling and Psych was also avail. at no charge to my daughter due to her income and this is something she has been doing for the past several weeks now or should I say, since we cut off the money supply and the help. For her, finding a good counslor/Psych has helped with alot of her issues . Again, I gave her the info but did not make the call for her; this was for her to do if she truly wanted it.
I also think that if they WANT to change then they will. No one can make that choice for them although I wish it was that easy.
My daughter did come over for Easter and we had a wonderful visit.
We to have another daughter who was an honor student. At the age of 14 she wanted a pair of $160.00 shoes and when we refused, she got her work permit that same week so I hired her in my office to earn the money she wanted for those shoes. That was the last pair of expensive shoes she ever bought! I still chuckle inside when she shows me a new pair of shoes that she is happy with that she bought at Walmart :)
My point is that children are just like any other person we would meet… all individuals with thoughts of their own. Their choices are THEIR choices.
I can’t tell you how liberating it has been to say no to our oldest daughter. It is such a tremendous weight lifted off our shoulders. At Easter, I couldn’t help but notice that she had her nails professionally done along with new highlights in her hair. In the past I would have been furious that she could spend money she didn’t have to get this done but at Easter, I said nothing because I know I won’t be there to pick up the pieces when her rent is due or car payment and she dosen’t have the money. These are HER choices, right or wrong and I hope that she learns along the way.
As for the drugs, she still denys it even after I found her with it several weeks ago but, as I have explained to her, I will be happy to talk with her about anything but money issues and when she is ready for help, I have the info avail. but I will not bring it up to her again. I planted the seed and realize thats all I can do.
John, I do believe what you say as far as “genetics”. My family and my husbands family are from another country and both our families, including ourselves have spent our lives trying to better ourselves to be able to have a better life for us and our children. THAT is the American dream. Our belief is that our parents left their country to come to America where jobs were more avail. and the opportunity to work IF that’s what your desire was. I can’t imagine NOT taking advantage of that opportunity. We have always instilled hard work and education in our children as did our parents. Maybe that’s why it blows my mind that our daughter would rather be homeless, no groceries and yet would rather sit around and get high on drugs rather than take total advantage of the opportunities that not only are avial. but that she had at one point. I thought after her teens years were behind her that maybe she had learned a lesson and would never want to go back to that way of life but i guess I was wrong. That’s the sad part. I see so much potential in her. She is so caring and giving and just has the kindest heart but does not seem to care that much about herself. This is what I wanted her to get counsling for. I want her to know how precious she really is and feel that away about herself. To have self worth and self esteem and to respect herself and her body.
As one parent to others… God bless us all and our children.
Hi Janet,
I am sorry to hear of the situation with your daughter (and, of course the similarly-difficult situations of the other parents who have posted here). Since you have asked a specific question for advice on rehab programs, and this is something I have a great deal of experience with (as a counselor who works with adults who have substance use problems and their families) , I will give an opinion — based on the information you have shared here.
It’s great that your daughter has decided to go into inpatient rehab. Most of the private ones are incredibly expensive but that does not necessarily mean that they provide better care — just plusher surroundings. Please do not allow her to “guilt you” into thinking you aren’t demonstrating love by not paying for something you will be financially-stressed to do. I don’t know where you live, but I do know that around the Chicago and Milwaukee areas (where I am), there are some sliding-fee programs that are quite good; you could probably find something similar in your area. Part of coming to terms with her addictions will be experiencing the consequences of her choices and behaviors, which could mean a state-funded or sliding-scale rehab program. No one (including you) owes her a luxury rehab stay. An inpatient rehab program is a great way for a person to get clean and sober and get a concentrated look at what recovery might mean. It’s a great experience to be with others in the same situation — there will be young and old, male and female, professionals and laborers — all in the exact same place, learning how to begin to live without addictions. And I mean it when I say “begin to live without addiction,” as the first 28 days is only the very first step. But an inpatient program can help a person bond with others, learn some of their deeper issues, and get some ideas about tools for staying clean and sober in the future.
Support her choice for inpatient rehab but hold your ground on finding something you can afford — that is already showing her your concern.
Good luck and have courage.
Carol R Cann
Thanks to all of you for your responses. They are so very helpful. I have support in the family, but YOU know what I’m going through. I texted some numbers of sliding scale and state funded rehabs to her. I think you are all correct. That is all I can do other than provide the transportation to the rehab. SHE has to do the work.
Thanks again, Janet
I am seeking advice/support from all you warm, caring parents. My previously-mentioned son is trying (for the second time) to detox with Suboxone by himself. He doesn’t want inpatient or outpatient treatment. The last time, he says he was clean 8 months. He lives with his dad, and has pawned all his belongings, and many of his dad’s in support of his habit. His dad keeps him as isolated as possible in a gated community, no car, limited phone.
My son now wants to come stay with me. He says a change of scene and location (a couple of miles from dad’s) will help, and he knows I will provide food and pleasant surroundings. My HEART wants so much to bring him in and “help” him detox, but my MIND knows that he probably wants more freedom to meet with dealers, and that he is very likely to steal from me, which he has never done so far. In a weak moment last week, I said he could come, and now I realize I probably made a mistake. How do I tell him? I hear he is very excited about coming to my house. I do not want to be co-dependent. But, the mom (and R.N.) in me wants to provide an atmosphere of healing. Since I already said “yes”, I need a script to go back on my offer without making him feel hopeless or unsupported. He is always very respectful and sweet to me. He always expresses regret and shame about his oxycodone addiction. He is not rebellious or argumentative with me. How do I talk with him?
You’re not in an enviable situation and there is much to consider. Frankly, his father’s “solution” of isolating isn’t exactly helpful. That’s assuming responsibility for your son’s behavior which makes it quite easy to return to using.
You might want to consider a third alternative. A written agreement between you and your son under which he can stay with you for a defined period of time, contributing what he can (in chores if not cash), and that he will leave immediately if he does this or that or whatever. Think very defined pre-nuptual agreement with every detail spelled out and with his resonsibilities and consequences spelled out.
There is usually a middle ground between being a chump and being hard hearted. Think of help that supports progress in an adult, not those activities which discourage growing up or reward staying drug abusive.
Adult help, adult expectations, etc.
And our best wishes to both of you.
Thanks so much. On the way home from work, I was thinking of this very thing, but wondering if I sounded like a naive fool to try. The thing is, he has done nothing to me (so far). No stealing. I want him to live more as an adult, not a captive child. He can’t get a place of his own (yet), but how will he ever?
Just one big worry – is it even possible that he can detox AND stay clean on his own? Is relapse inevitable? Should I make counseling or treatment one of the items on the contract?
Has anyone out there had similar experiences?
Thanks so much.
Dawn, you mentioned that your son is “detoxing” on Suboxone. There are a few things about this that you might be interested in knowing. First thing, Suboxone is available by prescription only (legally), so he ought to be connected with a doctor who is certified to prescribe this. (They have to take a special course and pass a test.) Suboxone is the brand name for buprenorphine, which is something like methadone, in that it is a controlled substance prescribed by a professional that replaces the opiod the person was addicted to with something that also causes dependence but is less “abusable.” Suboxone is meant to be given as a part of treatment, such as counseling, setting goals, learning to avoid triggers and situations where using might take place.
Of course, there is no way to predict whether or not your son will be successful in his plan (each person is unique and their ability to overcome addiction is also a unique property); but generally speaking, his plan does not sound as though it will maximize the potential for recovery. The agreement spelling out responsibilities and consequences seems like a beneficial structure in the present; however, if he is not involved in a treatment program to help him learn tools to handle stress, emotions, and future behavior, it sounds like a “set up” for him. Good luck to both of you.
It’s important to also remember that people leave their abusive and addictive bahaviors behind in many different ways. The most important components to change are:
1) Believing that he can;
2) Being self-motivated;
3) Being supported by family and peers;
4) Having access to good professional support;
5) Having access to good medical support.
Good support is not what’s available in most treatment programs. Good help stresses self-empowerment, not “powerlessness”; does not adhere to a disease model; and has actual trained professionals who use CBT, assertiveness training, nutrition, relaxation, and the development of alternative coping skills.
Regardless, people recover – fully – in unexpected ways all the time.
For your part, clear expectations and consequences are most important. Remember, being the drug and alcohol “police” is a sure route to disater. He is responsible – for developing the habit, and for leaving it behind. It was a choice he made. He can also choose to quit.
Good luck.
Thanks very much for your replies. My son has no insurance. This is a big problem, but I could not afford his COBRA anymore, and he was using the insurance to “doctor shop”. We live in So. Fla, the HOTBED of oxycodone addiction. The doctor who gives my son his suboxone is licensed and has taken the requisite training, but he offers no support – in fact, he is one of the doctors who supplies oxys to people. The type of treatment all of you recommend is not available to us, as it is expensive. The free treatment around here is based on AA/NA, and is full of parolees and street people. (New connections!) I am an RN, and am very aware of what suboxone is – I don’t like it, but he is afraid of detox symptoms and feels he is not strong enough to do it without it. Anyway, I drew up a contract, but he has not contacted me or returned my calls. I think he might have relapsed, or he would call. I will save your comments, Carol, Maryellen, and Ed, and refer to them 1) to help me get through this and 2) in case my son gets serious and I am in a position to try to help.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your time and knowledge.
You might also look for a “Smart Recovery” meetings in your area to refer him to. Smart is research based and meant to be short term, not forever.
An update for all you caring and supportive people out there, and especially Mary Ellen and Ed:
My son came to my house to detox off suboxone (which he and I do not recommend for others!). It has been a very rough two weeks, but he is now out of the woods. It is his 18th day clean (from everything). He is feeling much better, has been out with family members, got his hair cut. We found a Smart Recovery outpatient facility nearby and he is going to call them. He is very determined, hopeful, and excited about his future.
His good friend was recently clean for 30 days, took one oxy and relapsed, and he was very affected by that. He says that he will NEVER take the “first one” again! I pray he can do it. He has a lot of loving family members, and says he will get into counseling. He broke off all relationships with dealers and most of all, doctors, who were supplying him.
I am actually very hopeful. He is back – his personality is restored, and he is my son again. I am ever mindful that this will be a lifelong struggle, and he may slip again, but he is very, very determined, and wants very much to succeed. His birthday is tomorrow, and he says it is like his actual BIRTH day – he is starting over. PLEASE say a prayer for him and for all other addicts – for their strength to fight this thing.
Thanks again to all of you.
Dawn
Dear Dawn and Son,
My prayers for you both. If he doesn’t cheat, he will never have to worry about going back to that hell again. Have strength, you and only you have the power to take the power back. Good luck.
My heart tugged a little reading some of these posts. In the event it helps anyone:
I was addicted to pills. It started out with a prescription that was poorly monitored and prescribed, which spun out of control into a full-blown addiction to the drug and others. My family was at wits end for a year, shouldered many unpredictable bills, and weathered many episodes of withdrawal, relapse, and lying in that time. Two family members took me in at different times, one for a week, one for the months when I made it through and actually quit. More than 3 years later, I’m ‘clean’. I don’t think about returning to the drugs. Sometimes people really do get better. But ultimately, the addicted person has to be ready. You won’t know when that moment comes, and you may face many false starts and lies. I wish I could remember enough from that period to tell you what happened to turn things around, but I remember my family not giving up on me- and setting firm limits. Most cut contact completely, one or two made very limited contact with me. They also attended something like NA and NAMI to help themselves through it. I feel what many of you are going through, best of luck.
Anon, Hope you are still working for your sobritiy. I’m still suffering the loss of my daughter and really need to know you are still trying to suceed in overcoming the beast that took my child. I know it must be very hard. you have my prayers.
I have used this website as a help to me through my daughter’s addiction. She passed away July 31. The cause of death hasn’t been officially determined but preliminary tests indicate overdose. Jennifer was in rehab and clean for 3 months prior to her death. It was like having my daughter back. I’m so grateful we could have that time. Thank you so much for the advice and support you give others. Above all, NEVER give up.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss…. I AM GOING THROUGH A REALLY HARD TIME WITH MY YOUNGEST SON, HE IS 25 AND HAS BEEN ON AND OFF DRUGS AND ALCOHOOL SINCE HE WAS 15. I RECEIVED A CALL FROM HIM SAYING THAT HE USED HIS CHEQUE FOR EXTASY AND ALCOHOOL, AND NOW HE IS STAYING AT A SHELTER. I HAVE BEEN CRYING SINCE. AS A MOTHER IT IS HEARTBREAKING TO KNOW THAT MY SON IS STAYING AT A SHELTER. I REALIZED THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP, BECAUSE I KNOW BY PAYING HIS RENT HE WILL ONLY CONTINUE HIS ADDICTION. I PRAY THAT HE TURNS HIS LIFE AROUND AND I HOPE THAT I DON’T GET THE CALL THAT I HAVE BEEN FEARING FOR A LONG TIME. I WILL NOT GIVE UP HOPE AND WHEN HE CALL FOR THE HELP THAT HE NEEDS HE KNOWS THATI WILL BE THERE.
Janet, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Wow,like so many others here, I could fill in my sons name for these stories. He is 30 years old, and I honestly can’t say “how long” he has been using. I know at least since he was 17. He has had ups and downs, but he has really gotten bad. I do NOT give him any money, or help, because I have read enough to know that this would just enable him. But unfortunately, my husband doesn’t know this. He keeps helping him and it certainly puts a strain on the marriage. We have 2 other children who are wonderful, and learned from seeing their older brother, what a mess drugs have made of his life, and have thankfully steered clear of them. I know he is doing heroine now. Again, I read these posts and feel so many of the same feelings. I understand thinking that maybe if he were dead, it would be better, and I feel terrible for feeling this way. Or if he was in jail, that would be better. I can NOT change my son, HE MADE these choices, and by doing so, not only ruined his own life, but so many in my family have suffered because of his bad choices. It is so frustrating because he had a promising future. But not anymore. I just wait for the phone call that he is either in jail, or dead. And from reading all these posts, I feel I am not alone. My pastor has recently told me that I should start attending the Alanon meetings, and I think I will try this, cause I feel like I am starting to go over the edge. I pray for my son every day, and he will have to make the choice to want help and even admit that he has a problem.
Thank you for all of your comments and postings. It does help to know that I am not alone in all of this.
Wow. I needed a dose of this. I have taken this stand with our 29 yr old daughter who has been a drunk since age 15. I have temp.custody of her 9 month old daughter. She stayed drunk pregnant,had an accidenet drunk at 7 month pregnant breaking her leg in three places and other injuries falling down stairs. Drunk first week after baby born. Crashed car drunk midday last May. I went before a Judge and took the baby away. She is a hateful,manipulative,wreckless,vile,irresponsible,impulsive,wretched,white trash person. My daughter. And guess what…Everything she has ever done wrong is everybody else’s fault. Everything. Before the baby was born I spent half her life pulling her out of the fire. I am done and over her. She can hit the wall now and I will not be there. Not now nor ever. My wish for Christmas is that I will never have to see her vindictive evil face again. The County Social Workers (Clowns) enable her and believe anything the pitiful little drunk tells them including that her father,me, and our college educated other daughter drove her to what she is. This sorry excuse of a daughter is in the 82nd Airborne! God help this country. Maybe there is room for her on the next plane to Iraq.
I forgot to add that she has been arrested twice since Easter for drunk driving,wreckless endangerment,fleeing drunk driving arrest(chased in her car after being stopped.) Had to be pepper sprayed to arrest her and restrained. Pretty much drunk every day. Her car has been seized that she owes $18,000 on. Crashed the car before that one drunk just a few months earlier. Drunk, drunk, drunk, pretty much everyday and boy look out for the weekends. All of this is my fault.
Tracy,
I understand how you feel. Believe me, I understand. My daughter was addicted to drugs, alcohol and gambling. I say was, because she passed away July 31, 2009. It was probably an overdose, but we don’t have the final report yet. She had been released from a rehab (actually, kicked out) 10 days prior to her death. We had reconciled somewhat while she was in rehab, but it was still a bit rocky. Before her death, I was so angry with her.
Jennifer wrote in journals a lot. I have been reading them along with her worksheets from rehab. It has given me new insight into her problems. I’m not condoning them by any means. Jennifer was a master manipulator and had been all her life. Jennifer was bipolar and had she been properly medicated, I know the circumstances would have been different. She was just diagnosed last year and it takes so much time to get the meds and the dosage where it needs to be for each individual. When she was ‘in remission’ as I call it, she was a bubbly, loving, caring, lovely person. When she wasn’t, wow, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. I now know for certain that she was a tormented person.
While I agree that your daughter shouldn’t have her child, you can never give up that hope. Miracles happen. Our grandson (4 1/2 yrs)has been with his dad for the last year and a half. We even wrote a letter on our son in law’s behalf.
Basically, what I am telling you is that as my husband always said, ‘while they are on this side of the grass there is hope’. Because, once they are under the grass, it is over.
I am so very sorry that you lost your daughter. We have had the fear of this happening someday to our daughter. This past weekend she spent drunk out of her mind and says her husband beat her up. Lots of phone calls to me which I did not take and my sister who barely listens to her anymore. She checked herself into the army hospital Sunday saying that she could not live one more day without her daughter and that is why she drinks! The only reason she checked herself in is that her car has been taken away, her husband left,no one else will have anything to do with her. No one to share her turmoil and drama. So off to the hospital she goes for the attention she can get. And sympathy. She doesn’t have her daughter because she is a drunk and now I find out a coke head too. I have not and will not accept her phone calls. She needs to hit the wall at warp speed. She will stay clean as long as the doors are locked. When she is out of there the drinking will continue. I hope she proves me wrong. It will take a miracle for her to live a decent normal life. This is my prayer,for the Lord to deal with her. Looking back, my daughter has had problems her entire life. Never fit in or followed rules. Kicked out of every school,grammar,jr.high,high sch.Ran away multiple times,fighting,arrested for assault at 16.Could write a book on the hell she has put this family through. Frankly at 29 yrs old I will not participate in her life anymore. Drunk or sober I don’t care. I feel nothing but distain for her. I guess she will miss that plane to Iraq. Too bad.
gosh, I am coming to grips with how many families truly do deal with the same problem. I wonder how many of the people who have commented, will have positive outcomes. I am the mother of a 26 yr old, who over the past 9 years has battled coke addiction, alcoholism, and just destructive behaviors. She lives off of social security as she does have diagnosis of bipolar. she has done the gamit of psych doctors, therapist, meds of all kind. none of it seems to have helped. she was off the coke for awhile, but now back on. she doesn’t seem to be able to function unless she has a man in her life. both of her last 2 boyfriends are now in jail for one thing or another. I go to counseling trying to detach, as I was an enabler, and now see the harm in it. I am at the point, I don’t think she will make it. It just seems endless. She does nothing, not productive in anyway. She tried school, but quit, she tries jobs, but quits. Theres nothing left to try, we just wait for the other shoe to drop.
I certainly understand where you are with your daughter. Our daughter is a talented artist or should I say, was a talented artist. Dropped out of college,quit or got fired from every job.(Never her fault) Joined the army and straightened up as long as she was in basic training and no way to get alcohol. As soon as she had some freedom- straight to drunk all the time. As of yesterday she is in a 28 day facility for alcohol abuse. What a waste of time and resources. She will be sober for 28 days. Unlock the door, turn her loose and she will be waiting for the liquor store to open. I have totally detached myself from her for good. Alcoholism is not a desease. Cancer is a desease. Calling it a desease allows insurance to cover the cost of the destruction that follows. Calling it a desease takes away the personal responsibility from the drunk for being a drunk. An alcoholic can decide not to drink anymore. A cancer patient can’t decide that he wants to stop having cancer. Alcoholism is a self inflicted addiction. I am raising her 9 month old daughter. I have had her for 3 months. I have already spent $7,000.00 in legal fees to remove her daughter from her and we haven’t even gone to trial yet. If it takes everything I have and the rest of my life, I will keep my grandaughter away from her because she will ruin her life if she doesn’t kill her with her reckless choices. I just wish she would go to the other side of the world and forget her way back. Forever. We too are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
tracey, I know you are angry. It’s o.k. I also was. Shanna is now dead. Her kids are without a mom. My daughter, that was sick, cannot fix herself, is dead. She would’t or could’t help herself. She still had a sweet heart. You will also miss the times when she was around. You will probably out-live your daughter. That is not a preferred option to being a mom. Reality is harsh. It is for me. Try to remember a kiss, a hug, a scent. She will always be your daughter. Sick or well, she is your offspring. I think this diease is like cancer. I don’t have it and i guess you don’t either. Your grand kids may. Hope not.
Diane, I am so honestly sorry that you lost your daughter, Shanna, to addiction. I will probably be next on the list to have lost a child to this. Please tell me, what happened? Shanna had more than one child. Oh God. I am so so sorry for you and her children.
My daughter, Susan, also, way back had a sweet heart….. It turned rotten with liquor. She turned into a vile,vicious,rotted human being. Not a person of value, but a- from -the -core- rabid, worthless, parasite, useless, destroyer,thing. This is a child I stood up for so many years. When everyone was sick of me and washed their hands of me for sticking up for her. I was there for her. No matter what. Fourteen years of it and a baby put through it is “Enough” When she stayed drunk and pregnant and then drunk after her daughter was born a “Switch went off in my brain that said ” This Is Enough.” I am the hell done with her and her “Crap”.
Done I am. I have her daughter. It will take a Judge to tell me she has to go back to her mom. In fact it will take an act of God for me to give my grandaughter back to that piece of trash. I will be on a plane to the other side of the world before I will give her back to that destroyer.
Let me clarify one thing I just said. I will not be on a plane to the other side of the world with my grandaughter. I just wish I could. Wishing is one thing. Doing is another. I won’t be as stupid in my decisions as my daughter is.
Tracey, I too, believe in turning your back on your daughter. I had too also. Some day maybe she will hit bottom. Some people do. It doesn’t mean you ever have to forgive her. People don’t realize, some of their actions can never be forgiven. Keep your grandaughter safe, but always know if she ever cleans up, there is a chance she can get her back. You may need to take that plane. Good luck.
Forty eight hours after being released from a 28 day alcohol rehab center my daughter was drunk. She “borrowed” a friends car, hers is impounded and will be auctionsed off, bought her liquor and went joy riding while she was drinking. Drunk, crashed the car. She has been in jail for 4 weeks awaiting trial. She has twelve charges in three counties pending against her. Three of them are DUI’s , three are driving with revoked license, one resisting arrest, two wreckless endangerment,on and on…………..more crap. She is going away for some serious time. The army has her listed AWOL and is discharging her. So far she has lost us,her family, her baby, her car, her career, her drunk,stupid,husband,friends, her apartment and all of her belongings. She is sitting in jail with drug addicts,prostitutes, her kind of trash. I spoke on the phone one time with her and all I had to say was that she held the top spot for the worlds worst mother and she was right where she belonged. No more contact. I hope they send her very far away from here. Her daughter will turn one year old next month. I have had her longer than her own mother. We will have a birthday cake without her mother. So sad.
Can you recommend a list of some good treatment centers with long term (6 – 12 months) aftercare programs?
If you are asking to recommend a long term treatment center with long term aftercare programs for my daughter I really would not recommend wasting the resources on her. If this recommendation was not for my daughter then I apologize. As a matter of fact she has been released with time served after 4 weeks of incarceration for crashing a car drunk ,again, with three DUI’s pending, includeing numerous other charges. They let her go! I am so dissapointed. That drunken fool will driving again this week and pray God she doesn’t kill somebody in the process.Please, if anyone is listening to me, She is facing 12 charges in threee counties which include three DUI’s for drunken driving, has crashed two cars drunk. They let her out because she hasn’t yet been “Convicted” of three DUI’s! I pray she will not drive drunk and destroy some family of a loved one. The laws are so incredibly unfair. They let this piece of trash out to maybe destroy some innocent life with her drunken ass.
I have fallen into the same hole again. Running around trying to make it better. Telling myself everything is ok. But the signs are there. I feel all twisted up inside. I feel dizzy, unable to digest my food properly, worry is all I know. My daughter she is an addict and I have to accept and face the reality of the devastation that is her life and the life of my two beautiful grandchildren. One in a loving foster home and the other just a sweet newborn and what chance does he have with a father who is a heroin addict, a gang member, who has no job and he was just released from prison on a domestic violence charge from his former girlfriend. This is what my daughter chooses. So what do I do fade away, move away, accept this as a lost cause, Me who believes in Miracles and the power of Positive thinking, Me who teaches that prayer and faith are everything….but now what?! I feel so terribly alone and yet I read others stories and my heart goes out to all of you.
When I first encountered this site, I was looking for hope, like everyone else. I was so scared by all the statistics and stories, and the fact that we live in South Florida, the oxycodone capital of the world!
Anyway, In June, I reported that my son had detoxed and was doing much better. I am happy to report that he is still doing great. He had a difficult time finding a job because of his history of joblessness and the economy, but he has found one: full time, with benes, low pay though. He is ecstatic! He had several drug tests while job searching, and passed all of them!!!! He has nice friends now, including a very sweet girlfriend (clean). He tells me that he no longer has cravings, and would never go back.
Now, I am not the most naive person on the planet. But it has been 6 months, and he has weathered some very bitter disappointments and not gone back to drugs. I have hope, finally. My son is back! Not perfect, he is 23 and acts about 18. But, he is making progress. He has crushing debt from his old days and may have to declare bankruptsy, but at least he is healthy and happy, and now productive.
I am not bragging, and realize that not everyone will be lucky to even have a respite like I have had. But, I wished so hard for someone to give me at least one happy, hopeful story. I hope you all find some hope in my story, and I pray that we all have happiness in the future. Thanks everyone for the support. We are all in this life together, and we have to help each other.
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
We’re extremely pleased for you and your son and would also like to note that your story is not all that uncommon. Yes, we hear about the disasters, failures, and unending dashed hopes, but the reality is that we don’t usually hear from the successes and triumphs – these folks are busy building lives, not dwelling on the past.
In our work with families and clients we see well over half on them succeeding – about 10 times the rate of traditional treatment – and we do write about what works, and what doesn’t. And please don’t forget that more people recover – really recover (not “in recovery”)on their own than any other way.
So again, congratulations, to both of you and thank you so much for taking the time to write what so many need to hear.
Regards,
I just found this website, I have a 22 year-old daughter and just learned she is not only addicted to pain killers, but also selling them, I am flaberghasted to say the least. I live 2,000 miles away but noted that in the last month her attitude had changed on the phone, she didn’t want to talk for hours like she did in the past and the nightly phone calls stopped. On Tuesday of this week I recived a phone call saying she was being evicted on a ten day notice and asking if she could come here, of course I said yes. then I recived a restricted phone call from a friend of hers telling me that my grandchildren were uncared for always with a babysitter who had no idea how to care for children and that they were calling CPS unless I intervened. I made a few phone calls to others who knew my daughter and everything, mentioned in the phone call seemed to be truth. People had been giving her money to pay her rent, bills and giving her money to pay for stuff that she needed for the girls. She had never asked me for a single dime, but gifts I had sent the grandchildren seemed to disappear always with excuses. So I stopped sending material items. My daughter was anti-drugs, we had two family members killed by dealers due to their own drug additctions so this totally floored me to find out she is not only using, but also selling to make her rent persay. As a grandmother I had no choice but to call the grandparents who lived in the area and ask them to check on the girls, the girls were removed from the home that night and are now in a safe place. My daughter is angry at me and won’t talk to me which hurts. I kept having dreams that my daughter was dead, but couldn’t put my finger on it, my intuition was always going off over the past month, but due to the distance I couldn’t just get in my car and go visit her. The amount of phone calls I have made this week are more then any mother should have to make to get to the bottom of her activites. But to know hat my grand children were suffering because of her addition really angers me. We did send money to the other grandparents so they could buy the girls the things they need, but I know it is not enough when they need everything. I just don’t understand how a mother who loved her girls so much could just change like this. It’s frusterating and confusing, and I will not support her or her addiction and have asked others not to. All I can do is pray and hope that one day she will wake up before it’s to late.
Hello, I haven’t written anything lately, I have been so depressed. My youngest son, who is 25 is living on the streets. I cry myself to sleep every night, I don’t know what to do. He is an alcooholic and drug abuser. The last I heard from him was in an email saying that he had nothing left and there was only one other thing left to do. I love him so much but I can’t let him come home. I have a 17 year old daughter and I have to think of her. I am also so afraid of getting that call. Please if there is anyone out there that can give me some advice I would appreciate it…….
I also have a 28 year old daughter who is addicted to pain pills and probably a lot more. Her father died from the same thing 4 years ago. Since then, she has spiraled out of control. I had a total meltdown last night. I went home and she had crawled thru a window to get into my house. Reading these letters and comments have helped me so much. I know I must save myself. I cannot help her at all. She has cursed me and blamed me. Told me I am a terrible mother although my other daughters are calm and loving. But her statements have held me hostage for these last years. Thanks to your letters and comments I feel the strength to get tough and save myself.
I have a 22 year old supposedly recovering addict daughter who I know is back to her old ways. She still lives at home and doesn’t make enough money to move out. I am sick all the time just being around her- I literally cannot stand the sight of her anymore- she is nothing but a manipulative, lying, good for nothing. I want to chnage the locks so that she has no access to getting back into the house. Unfortunatly this will kill my 90 year old father but I can’t survive one more minute with her in my life. Any suggestions? This has been going on for years. She went to rehab in April and was good for about two months but back came all of the behavior. I know this is sick- but there are days I wished she had died in that car she crashed while drunk. The thought of going home now is sickening.
Maria:
That is just a horrible situation you find yourself in.
I would go ahead and change the locks. In reality, it really won’t kill your father. He won’t be happy, but he will survive. You do need to think about yourself and your own well being. Your daughter has no reason to change. By giving her a roof over her head and food, etc, she doesn’t have to make any more money than she is currently making. Why should she? Her basic needs are being met and she has enough to buy her drugs. She is legally of age, change the locks, kick her out and let her fend for herself.
If you don’t take care of yourself first, who will? And who will care for your elderly father? Your daughter has made her choices. When she gets tired of living in a car, maybe she will change, but she sure isn’t going to when there is no good reason to change.
I have been looking for a support like this blog for years . I have a manic depressive daughter who has hd issues for the last 17 years drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, suicide bulimia ect ect and now my younger daughter is an alcoholic. I never thought this could really happen to one couple. Our lives have been hell every weekend, holiday summer vacation ect ect for years. I realize I am rambling on and on. I am even too tired to look back on this entry and look for mistakes it just helps to know that others have made their adult children leave home. We hardy see our girls any more and the last few years have had no holidays. My heart goes out to all of you mothers and fathers alike that walk around each and every hour with a hole in your hearts. Please keep writing as I know this helps all of us.
Hi Lynn, I am one of those mothers. This year I will not be seeing my Son during the holidays and it breaks my heart. He is living at a mission by his own choice. I love him so much, but he has to do this on his own. We where willing to borrow $4000.00 last month to help him get clean, but his answer was no that he did not need to be in rehab for 4 months. We now know that his addictions are more important to him. We have all tried for the last 11 years, but we have decided to stop enabling him. As a mother that went through surgeries after surgeries to keep my son alive this is heartbreaking. I cry at the drop of a word. I also love this site, because it lets me talk to people like you that know what I am going through. I pray that someday that my son will get clean and come and give me a big hug and say that he is back…..
Your sitution is very sad and difficult but you don’t have to go through the rest of your lives forgoing holidays and, yes, even joy. There are tens of thousands of children and families you can “adopt” to varying degrees, places to volunteer, lonely peoploe in your neighborhood.
I am not writing this without experience. Without the old men who took a bit of time for me, the neighbor woman who listened occasionally, I would have been, well who knows?
So, celebrate what you can, when you can, and with whom you can.
Your “family” can be far bigger than just your children. And you don’t need to continue to punish yourselves for their choices.
Hi Monique, thanks so much for writing to me. I also cry at the drop of a hat. I have always been very senstive but now it is embarrasing. Movies, stories most things set me off. I too hope that you son comes home to you. I also dread that phone call. Today I watched a movie where a mother was called to the hospital and her adult son was in an accident (drinking) and died minutes after she arrived. I sat there and pictured this being my daughter. I hope I didn’t do the wrong thing telling you this it’s just that I am so prfoundly sad, it cames in waves. I always thought it would be my older daughter that I lost b/c she is the one who attempts it. Now the thought of losing my baby freaks me out. She has high blood pressure and blew off the second half of a physical that I sent her too, so I never know what will happen to her. I’m sorry for rambling.
again thanks so much for writing to me.
Lynn
Ed,
I know you are right there are many who can use a bit of love and understanding. I work with the autistic students and I know people have it worse than I do. I always try to be the kindest to all people always have. I have to say both of my girls are have kind hearts. I am glad someone reached out to you. I will consider your suggestion, we are just very tired. Every life impacts another doesn’t it?
Hope you are ok and continue to be.
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
I do understand the exhaustion on top of everything else. My adopted son, 40, has FAE and while he is artistically brilliant, he will never make the sort of emotional connections I wish for him. My adopted daughter, 36, Is “okay” but, again, the damage done by her birth mother and a couple of other women, is irreperable beyond a certain point.
My relationships with them will always be distant but that has not prevented me (after years of mourning and bitterness)from becoming the sort of older man who nurtured me.
We cannot force change on others, but we can change our own behaviors and thoughts and feelings and create a good life for ourselves and those around us.
I hope you find that for yourself.
Ed
Hello, Lynn, you are not rambling on. I am happy to get your emails, it helps me a lot to know that someone cares and I feel for you also. I know that Ed said not to be unhappy about not seeing my son during the holidays, but it’s not only not seeing him it’s wondering if he will be alone for Christmas. Christmas has always been such an important time for me because we would go to Ottawa at my other son’s house and spend it together with my kids and grandchildren. This year my other son is not having him over because he does not want him around his children, he is always high and the kids don’t understand. I hate thinking of not seeing any of them. See it is me rambling on now. I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit but I am having a very hard time. Thank you for listening and please keep in touch, have a great holiday and talk to you soon…
Monique
Monique, I know what you mean about the holidays. I have always loved them since I was a kid, me more than my sib, not the gifts b/c we were not from a family with money at all just the whole feeling. I feel for you not knowing where you son will be. Are you not seeing your other son? I probaby wont see either of my girls and that is most difficult. I am getting used to it, I just cant wrap my mind around the fact that I have 2 girls and dont see either of them. we loved them to death. today was such a hard day I could hardly get to work, but that has been going on for years, I know you dont mind but I am so depressed and have been for since my 28 year old daugher started all this when she was 14. I kept waiting for it to end, never thinging that this could really go on and on, that there had to be an end, and now my other one is an alcoholi, I keep saying this cant be. Wow was that a run on sentence, too tired to correct the grammer. How do you get though the days? Is the mission near you? That was very generous of you to offer that money to help him. It does sound like in spite of his problems that you have a good relationship with him.
Monique, It was me Lynn who wrote you and forgot to sign.
Ed,
So you also have two adult children that have broken your heart or whatever. I don’t know what FAE is. What a wonderful person to adopt 2 children. My mom was an orphan and was in an orphanage (but she told us it was fine) later they put her in a not so great place, until her aunts took her out at 16 b/c then she was able to work. My point is that you did a wonderful thing.
I just dont know how to get past the grief and worry.
Lynn
Hi, Lynn, I don’t know if I will be seeing my other son and grandkids yet, he just started a new job, so he does not know if he can come. I am on lunch right now so I will sign off nad talk to you later. Monique
Reading your posts today makes my heart ache. My brother is 2 years younger than I and an alcoholic/drug addict. He has been this way since high school and is now 28 years old. In addition, he is bi-polar. THe saddest part as a sibling is that I suffer twice thru the loss of him and watching his demise and thru watching my mother suffer the pain and worry of not knowing how long he will live. If we get a late night call – we are afraid. If we don’t get one – we are afraid. He was just sentenced to prison yesterday and I am almost relieved to be able to know where he will be for a few years and to know that he will be fed and clothed during that time. As a mother of two young children, I share the concerns of the first poster that I want to prevent this from happening to my beautiful children. I watch them play and wonder what makes one child an addict when another is fine. My brother was my best playmate and now he is gone – the person he has become is a stranger to me. How do you stop that from happening when there are no signs until it is too late?
Allison, I just wrote you a long response and lost it when I went to send it. I will write again.
Lynn
Monique & Ed, was wondering how the both of you were. Have checked many times and no one seems to be writing. Hope all is well.
Lynn
Mary Ellen and I are fine, busy with our practice and except for answering the ongoing threads are not posting new articles here. You can read our weekly postings at our website by clicking the Newsletter tab.
Thanks so much for asking and for your continued interest.
Warm regards,
Ed
Hi, Lynn, all is well with me. My son is now living in Toronto with his aunt and waiting for a place in rehab. He calls me evrery week and sometimes twicw a week. I went to see him during the hilidays and he looked so good. His aunt has set the rules and he abides by them. He actually called me tonight and told me that he is seing a cardiologist on the 29th of March. I don’t remember if I told you that he has had heart surgeries and wears a pacemaker. He will be 26 on Sunday and told me that he wants to go to rehab for himself and not for anyone else, that made me feel so good. He said that when he gets out he wants a better life than what he was doing. He also said to me that he has to get rid of some heavy chains that he has been carrying with him and he need professional to help him. My son has a big heart and tends to take a lot of peoples pain on himself. He has a great soul and I hope and pray that this is it for him. I love him so much and want him to be happy. Lynn thank you for keeping in touch, this site has helped me a lot. Just writting things down is a healing thing. Take care and I will keep in toch with you. Monique
Two weeks ago my son was locked up the Washington, D.C. jail for drug possession. He is 35 years old and has not really worked a day in his life. He no sooner got into jail than he was caught with a pill and tossed into detention. I did get one letter from him and it was full of the usual excuses, i.e. a lying cop, a judge that could not read body language, lack of progressive drug laws in the district, etc. He is trying to make me believe that he is only in jail for a minor marijuana violation. My former wife called me and read me his charge sheets which she found in his pile of unopened mail. I did reply to his letter and told him I know how he got into jail and that I will no longer enable him and his drug habit. He was caught with heroin, cocaine, and various other illegal drugs. He was in a state funded rehab center but was expelled for a bad attitude. My ex spouse feels guilty and may continue to finance his drug habit when he gets release in June. Regardless of what happens he will not use me again.
Monique, so nice to log on and see the note from you. That is such good news about your son. I can almost hear the joy in your voice being a mother. He sounds ready and that is 90% of recovery. I wasnt aware about the pace maker at 26 wow, but seems like he wants to take care of himself. 26 sounds about right for maturity to kick in for some so it really sounds promising. I only wish the best for the both of you. I will also keep in touch.
Lynn
Ed, Warm regards to you too. I will look at your threads.
all the best to you.
Lynn
I have a 23 year old daughter who is addicted to heroin. She has two children ages 2 and 4 that I am most likely going to take custody of. I am currently in therapy with an addictions counselor to help me stop being co-depemdent. My counselor is wonderful. The problem I am finding more and more difficult to bear is my fear of burying my daughter and knowing what she is doing is putting her in harms way. I have been snowed in the last two days and although I am not the crying type all I can do is cry. The emotional pain I have feels like I am dying a slow death. I have been taught ways to deal with this but for some reason can’t get to that point. Could this be a grieving process? Is this something I must allow myself to do in order to move forward? God bless all of you and me in hopes we can find solutions to this growing problem.
Dear Marie,
What you describe isn’t an uncommon response to a nearly intolerable situation. You are having to deal with a situation that none of us envision when we contemplate becoming parents and grandparents and we grieve not only for what is, but for the loss of our own imagined future. Yes, you are dying a slow death, the death of expectations which will now go unrealized, and replaced, for now, with only terrible decisions to be made and the dread of what your daughter is doing.
Eventually you will begin to replace old expectations with new ones and you can choose how to feel about the changes. A good CBT therapist can provide good short term help.
There is also the possibility that your daughter may recover from her addiction as do most who are her age, but that’s not something to count on and wait for. Just know that it is a possibility and hope that she eventually gets help and that it’s real help, not what passes for treatment here in the U.S.
Yese, grieve, plan for an altered future, educate yourself about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, do some assertiveness training to off set the enabling, research effective treatment options in case she ever asks.
Mary Ellen and Ed
Hello – A friend sent me the link to this site and I saddened to hear all your stories, but reassured to know I am not completely alone. Two days ago, my husband and I had to kick our 23 year old son out of the house. He has a history of alcoholism and drug abuse,including crack cocaine, pot and xanax. We thought he had been doing better, in November he got a DUI and we brought him back home to live with us, we thought to help. He has been attending AA meetings and seemed to be on the road to recovery. Last week, we went out of town, leaving our son alone for the first time since November. We returned to find my husband’s rifle missing. I had noticed my son’s behavior and attitude had changed the past couple of weeks, but assumed he was just depressed/bored whatever. I am now firmly convinced he is using again and stole the rifle to pawn or trade for drugs. He completely denies it. My heart is breaking because if there is the smallest possibility he is innocent, I will never forgive myself for what I have done. But logic tells me he has done this horrible thing to us, again, we thought the days of lying and stealing were over. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I cry all the time. I picture him cold and hungry, angry and confused. Please someone tell me I did the right thing.
Sad though it is, you did the right thing. The sad part is that you are questioning yourself over the possibility that there is a grain of possibility he didn’t pawn the gun. Reality is that he is the one who needs to prove he has changed – he’s the one who needs to accept that he is on “probation” – not you or your husband.
That’s the trouble with AA/NA/CA/ etc.programs and treatment – the main thing they teach is how to be a better con artist, how to guilt and exploit family members, and how to avoid responsibility.
So, though horribly hard, remember, your son’s alcohol and drug abuse were and are his choice. You didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it. You shouldn’t support it.
He’s made choices and he can make new ones.
Regards,
Ed
Dear Lynnie
I was at the same place you are at now. we have a 26 year old son, that put us through the same thing. It was an ongoing thing for 13 years. I cried myself to sleep and I was a walking Zombie. The last time he went back to his drugs and alcohool, I used what tehy call though love. I said no more money, if that is what you want to do with your life, then I won’t be part of it. I told him the only way that I would help him is when he was ready to go back to rehab. I will say is was the hardess thing I ever did as a mother. i also learned that they do not go hungry and that they always find a place to stay. I learned this through therapy, that when you are a user you always have friends. The therapist also told me that when he calls and says that he is hungry to bring him food and never give him money. I am happy to say, my son is waiting to get into rehab, he is clean since before Christmas and he even quit smoking. It has been a long and difficult time for all of his family, and yes I was afraid to lose him and I pray and hope that he will stay clean. do not give hope and stay strong and please do not let him come back home, they are the best liars and they do steal fro mthe ones they love, because it is the addiction doing this and not the person who you thought they were. I hope that all works out for you and stay on the site, it really helped me through some difficult times. Monique
I have been looking for a good website for my ongoing problem with my 31 yr. old daughter. I am hoping that you can help me.
Hey,
I thought I submitted a comment. Oh, well, my comment is: “What do you do about an adult addicted child?”
Ruth I just wrote a long message and lost it. I have problems with a daugher about the same age and it is on going and always will be. If you would like to share Im sure I can relate. I have had it all, not to sound like a martar, sorry to say it is true. A horrible heart breaker. A hole in my heart that will never heal
Lynn
The question is always a variation on the same theme: “How can I force someone else to change their behavior?”
The answer is always the same one nwe all hate to accept: “We can’t!”
The best we can do, and 95% of parents refuse, is to stop REWARDING bad behaviors!
At lesst when you quit rewarding the behavior you calim to hate, the child (of any age) will have less reason to continue the behavior. It isn’t all that complicated.
Yes, you’ll have to give up your illiusion of control, but it’s pretty obvious you don’t have any anyway.
So, give up pretending you can change her/his choices and at least you can also stop feeling respinsible for those choices. You arenh’t. They are. Respond accordingly.
Hello all, I was searching the web looking for some support for myself as I have a 23 year old son who has struggled with addiction since age 16. He was a victim of a stabbing at 16 and not wanting to receive therapy for this,chose to do drugs.He is real bad.He has been to detox 2 years ago and also been on methadone for 2 years- 115mg per day. He relapsed about a month ago and I asked him if he wanted help. fortunately he did and he is now in a detox and then a 10-20 day inpatient program after that.I will attend a family meeting on thursday with him at the facility and he has also expressed a desire to go on to a longterm care facility after that. I hope he follows through with that.I feel for all of you on this website and all the stories sound just like mine. i no longer support my son financially, his grandmother will. i called her today and told her that it must stop. he relapsed this last time after he met a girl that was also addicted to drugs and has since been arrested and is in jail for at least 90 days. my dilema is that he wants to try to contact this girl in jail and wants money to use the phone at the detox to call this girl’s uncle to get her id number. i’m afraid to piss my son off by telling him that i will not give him money for that but i do want him to have money to call me and let me know how he is doing. i’m also hoping that as he starts to get better that this drug addicted, stripper will not look so appealing because i feel that she will hinder his recovery.
It’s all just so sad. I have a 23 year old son who has been addicted to marijuana since he was 16. He is very intelligent and can be so kind. He chose to steal money from me when I told him I would not pay for his phone bill (again). I have given him over $5000 in some way or another to either pay bills, food, debts, or cash. I have recently come to know that the money has got to stop. He quit his job 5 months ago and has made little attempt to work because he can’t pass a drug test. He lost his driver’s license over a year ago because of the drugs. My question is how do I deal with essentially not having my son in my life? I don’t trust him in my house and honestly I am angry and so sad about the whole deal. He refuses treatment and continues to life with 2 friends. I feel so guilty that I have money and fun and a successful life when he is telling me he is starving.
Sad as it all is, it is just a bit easier when you remember that his drug use is his choice – no one is forcing him to choose that life, nor are you or anyone else required to fund his selfishness.
As for living your own life? You’ve earned yours as he is his by the choices he’s made.
Perhaps some day he will make a different choice – but don’t reward him for his terrible choices by financially supporting him.
Melinda,
I am so sorry for what has happened to your son and to you.
But PLEASE listen to Ed’s comments and BELIEVE that he is right!!!! I have a 23 yr old son who was addicted to oxycodone (consider that your son is doing more than pot).
He finally detoxed and has been clean for almost a year now!
He has a good job and a nice girlfriend. I DIDN’T DO this for him. He did it. But, he did it when I finally stopped helping him and giving him attention. He came to my house, asking for drug money, and threatening to “do something crazy to get money”, and I deflated his tires, called the police, and had him committed overnight to a mental health center. He had withdrawals there, and a very miserable night.
When he was released, he got high right away, but a few days later, he decided that he was done with it all. He broke his drug ties, and came home. He holed up in his room here and detoxed with my help (I don’t necessarily recommend this part, but I am an RN, and I felt able to do this). He had a VERY rough time, but has not relapsed since then.
This is an unusual outcome, I know. I also know that there is no guarantee that he will remain clean. But, I know FOR SURE that he would still be addicted if his family had continued to support him.
I have my son back – he is the old kid I remember. He is a good worker, very responsible, and fun to be around. I pray every day that he will stay that way, but then all parents pray every day that their kids will be safe from all sorts of dangers. Remember that this danger is avoidable, and is ENTIRELY his choice – not yours. It is not like a car wreck or cancer – he is NOT a victim.
Please live your life happily, and enjoy the comforts you have earned. When your child sees you happy and comfortable, he will want that, too. When he sees you miserable, he will justify his drug use with, “The adults in my life don’t use drugs, they do all the “right” things, and they are still miserable. I might as well get high and get some enjoyment out of life”. Show your son that a drug-free life is FUN.
Sorry this is so long. Good luck to you, and to every parent who is suffering. And please listen to Ed and Mary Ellen – they are RIGHT!
Thank you, Dawn,
And we’re glad yours is looking like a happier ending than many, but the odds are still pretty good that most young adults will come back to life if they get the right sorts of encouragement and support.
Too bad that there is so little access to what really works to increase the odds. That’s whywe spend ao much time working with families before, during, and after the treatment process.
Thanks too for helping us.
Ed & Mary Ellen
Good Morning. It’s the day before Easter and my 55+ year heart is very sad for all of you, and myself, who are struggling with an adult addict. My daughter started using drugs and alcohol when she was 14 and, although she is married and has three children, continues to “binge” when she’s upset. I have been a single mother since my youngest child was 3 months old and they’re all in their 40s now. Looking back, I realize I should have sent my daughter somewhere else when she began to challenge my parenthood but I felt so guilty about all I hadn’t “done” for them that I thought it was my fault. She basically took over our house with her bad behavior. Over the years I’ve let her move back in with me, sometimes with my Grandkids, to help her get back on her feet. She’s back on her feet and I’ve been emotionally and financially bankrupted three times. This time I’m going to take care of myself.
As with many addicts, she is a very friendly, outgoing person. VERY manipulative. My sadness now is that she has convinced my sisters and brother, as well as my other two kids, that it’s all MY fault and because of that and other family problems having to do with my aging mother, I don’t see any of my family. She has her sister, and my oldest and youngest sisters, “enabling” her now. It’s a tragedy and I’m appalled that a child will work so hard to destroy her mother, who worked so hard to provide a good life for her, rather than overcome the addiction. My spirituality tells me to leave it in God’s hands but it isn’t easy, especially during holidays.
Thank you for sharing and listening. If any of you are single parents who would like to start a support group please e-mail me at njglea@msn.com. I live in the Seattle area.
Nancy, I think it’s human nature to blame ourselves. My supportive husband tells me all the time that I am a good mother. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and my first husband was a drug addict and now my son is addicted. I went to mass today and silently repeated to myself to “let go and let God”. I tried to force my son into change by making him to outpatient treatment when he was 16. I realize now that I should never have continued to bail him out financially. He must change himself
I find myself barely existing day to day in a life filled with addiction. I have 3 adult children all of which are addicted to prescription medications. My oldest son is 27 my daughter 25 and my youngest son 22 years old. We have faced near death auto accidents, legal charges, stealing from our home, and the daily verbal abuse from them. Most days I don’t even want to get up and face another day of this tormenting life of dealing with their addictions.
I find when I “cut them off” they cut me off. My oldest son went for almost a year without speaking to me because I stood up and said no more help unless you get help! He didn’t get the help and is now back in our home no better than before. My daughter was in an accident and will never be able to have full use of her leg after 13 major operations on it. She has depleted 90k dollars in about 3 months which was money from the accident. She also lost her auto in a drug raid that she had just paid cash for.
There father committed suicide 9 years ago because of a drug addiction. My biggest fear is they will do the same, and they know this. I have allowed them to ruin my mental and physical health to the point of having no meaning or direction of my own life. I am seeing a counselor but not much seems to help. I know I’m not the only parent to face this awful situation I just wish I knew how to deal with it better!
Thanks,
Sara
Your situation is certainly a sad one, but you seem to know that you have only two real choices. First, you can stop rewarding your adult children for their self-destructive choices and behaviors, or, you can continue to protect them from the logical consequences of their choices, as it appears you did with their father, and have them follow the same path to the same end that he did.
I know. You keep thinking there must some some third choice that will allow you to force them to change.
Sorry. There isn’t. The only person you can change is you, and it appears you are at least as unwilling to change as they are.
Remember, you are the one who taught them how to treat you, with help from their father,and you can retrain them as you retrain yourself.
They are adults, their choices are theirs, but you can still influence them by you own example. So far, it appears you’d rather go down with them than take a chance on an unknown outcome.
Our suggestion? Take care of yourself and let them do the same and see what happens.
Need help doing that? That’s what we do.
Dr. Ed Wilson
I feel as though I have lost my parents and my children have lost their grandparents due to my brother’s drug and alcohol problem. My uncle alcoholic uncle committed suicide and had warned my dad that he’d do this; so, my brother now uses suicide threats as a means to control my dad. My brother is bleeding my parents dry, as they raise the son whom was taken from him and his girlfriend years ago by DSS. They are no longer interested in anything but my brother and my nephew. I know that they have a lot on their plates, and I try to understand, but it’d be nice to have them there for me at important moments in my life and my children’s lives. They are letting my sister and her children down in this same way. At this point, I feel like I have to give up and realize I have lost my parents to my brother’s problem; they are still people in my family whom I love. They just won’t function as parents any longer. This is the only way I know to rationalize this and go on with my own life. We have tried to talk to them about how they are only hurting my brother by continuing to support his behavior, but they simply will not stop. They will not even admit out loud that he has a problem, despite numerous arrests and mountains of evidence.
My son is 23. He has spent all the money in his college fund and is still 41 credits short of graduation. He has loans to pay back (we are paying back the ones we cosigned early on) and they will come after him after 6 months. He has no money to continue in school.
He is the oldest of four children. We still have 2 in high school and another in college. The others all work, contribute around the house, have plans and goals and pay their bills. This one lived off a college fund his grandfather set up for him. He went to Europe, paid the leases for new cars and moved away to college, only to come back with few credits the last two years. He really never left home. Even though college was an hour away – he would come back every weekend and extended it more and more. He always had some sob story about how awful his roomates were and how he couldn’t be with them.
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This story could be so long. We have suffered with his borderline personality disorder and his severe depression since he was little. He never complied with treatment – he refuses to take the drugs “we are trying to stuff down his throat.” He has caused terrible property damage – he is an alcoholic now, he is abusive to everyone in the house. He blames his “genetics” and his lack of a proper “skill set” for why he can’t work or finish school.
He has only had one job for a summer at a pool as a pool attendant. He laid on his butt and surfed his laptop the whole time. Now, he tells us he has jobs but we go to where he is supposed to working and nobody has ever heard of him. All the talking, pleading, trying to get help, giving time and space, making him uncomfortable etc. – none of it has worked. Last fall – he tried to hang himself and was hospitalized for a week. I don’t know if it was a serious attempt or just a bid for attention but it has scared me to death. He stopped seeing his shrink and he constantly tells me he is going to kill himself if we don’t back off. He is using this for emotional blackmail. Since he is 23 I can’t talk to his doctor or anyone about him – HIPPA laws. I tried calling suicide crisis hotline and they sent me pamphlets.
He says he is moving out in a couple of days and he is going to spend the rest of his college fund and then kill himself. We can only call the police if there is an immediate threat (i.e. we find him unconscious or with a gun). He has a 160 IQ and he can talk in such a way – we look crazy and not him to doctors and authorities.
This is the biggest nightmare I can even imagine. It has torn me apart (I just had major surgery a month ago). It takes away from my relationship with the other children and always has. My husband’s brother committed suicide at 20 and he just says that I will have to learn to cope as he did. He just can’t see a way out. He always said that this kid puts us in no win situations – damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
This sick adult man-baby just told me I am getting what I deserve for giving birth to him and not using a hangar when I had the chance. I really have always spent so much time with him trying to nurture his interests and gifts – he is so bright but now all I see is the horror of his mental disease and addiction. I am heartbroken and lost. Thanks for listening.
Your situation is, as you say, a parnt’s worst nightmare. Still the question remains, since he is going to go wherever he is heasded, how many of the rest of you is he going to take with him? It appears his father isn’t going, but you are ambivalent.
Your son is not a child and he can only hold you hostage to the degree you allow. Yes, it’s tragic – but so is allowing him to rob you and rest of your family, and for you to aid and abet him.
Really, it comes down to the fact that you can’t save him and he isn’t interested in saving himself. So, who do you reard? The blackmailer or the children who are growing into responsible adults? Can you see that so far you are rewarding him and punishing the others?
Please, smart borderlines, if that diagnosis is correct, are not “fixable”. Even early interventions are only effective in training a few of the less capable ones.
He is a master manipulator – as you know. He is not an addict, that’s a choice and a role that he has learned to add to his cast of charactors. Don’t be taken in by treatment industry hogwash.
Your husband is right, it’s time to say goodbye, wish him well, and turn your attention back to your family. You can’t know what he will do, but you can rest assured he will destroy you and your other children if you continue to allow and reward his behavior.
Sadly,
Ed
Thank you for your reply Ed. Like the name of the blog “Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts”, I need to hear that from someone. Everyone in my life feels bad but is pressuring us to “do something for him.” We’ve done everything within our power and within the limitations of our resources.
We’ve offered him treatment, paid for doctors visits for meds, psychiatrists,etc. We let him live here, rent-free, so he had time to “pull himself together.” We’ve taken a hard line and told him to go to school and stay there – make a life (that’s when he attempted suicide).
He had every opportunity in life. He had financial backing for school (a generous trust from his grandfather) that he blew on booze, trips, cars and living expenses that he should have had a job to cover. This is not a sad tale of poverty, abuse and lack of real opportunity.
He is a master manipulator. He goes to my mother and gets $20 bills from her because he needs “gas money” and of course we won’t give it to him. She keeps thinking that if she gives him money like this, he will use it to go get a job, school etc. and of course he never does. But, she keeps giving, because she feels sorry for him and is afraid he will hurt himself again. I think his attempt was his way to buy time and sympathy and certainly to back us off – because we had completely had it by that time.
Now, he was able to drop out of school again and move back home. As I write this, it is 1pm and he is still sleeping in his bed – in a room he has totally ripped up – dirty clothes, dishes, bottles, trash everywhere. I told him he had to clean up his mess if he is going to live here he told me to “F off”. When I got angry about that treatment, he started crying and pleading to be left alone, because his life “sucks” and he just wants to go to Zurich and be euthanized. Nice. You are so right. While all this is going on, his siblings are at school, going to after school jobs and activities and doing chores in the house.
I am just so tired of fighting this. The thing is … he really has no money and no where to go if he leaves. If he does kill himself, I don’t know what that would do to everybody. We still remember the extra bright, active boy he once was. Because he is an adult now – nobody will talk to us about this. He has to do it – but he has no interest in doing so. We thought about going to court but I don’t know anything about that process, how much it costs, and I’ll bet he’d walk away – he has fooled a lot of therapists so far. One told me I had the problem and asked me about “all the drugs I took in the 70′s.” Laughed when I told him “none.” This is supposed to help my son?
thanks for listening again, I think I’m going out of my mind with all this.
Since Mary Ellen and I started this blog a couple of years ago it has engendered a lot of stories of anguish as well as the sad truth – it is impossible to force someone else to change.
The difficult companion to that reality is that most people don’t want to change – especially when they are succesful at manipulating others to assume responsibility for them.
But that’s not a cure – merely a postponment of the logical consequences for everyone – with everyone the worse off for the delay.
Yes, there is guilt associated with wondering what we did wrong, though the answer is usually, “nothing”. It’s harder, but more productive, to keep your attention on the offender, and what he/she is doing wrong, or not bothering to do at all.
While I’m not given to Bible citations, I do occasionally note that the “prodigal son” was welcomed home AFTER he cleaned up his act. Seems like a good plan.
Amen to that Bible quote – a lot of wisdom in that story and along with the realization that the story I tell is ages old apparently.
I don’t know if telling the Reader’s Digest version of our story will help, but here goes!
Our daughter went to a college with an open drinking policy, and promptly dropped out after 3 semesters. She then found a series of level-entry retail jobs, then joined the military. She came home with a broken military marriage to an alcoholic, a toddler, and another baby on the way. Things went downhill from there.
She wanted $$, and would use the kids, even at one point threatening to kill them then herself if we did not capitulate. This was the point where we started collecting our evidence in an effort to save the kids. In their innocence, the children were extremely helpful.
Once we had enough evidence, we literally took the kids from her, presented our evidence, asked for temporary custody and gave her and her ex-husband time to get their lives together. They chose not to do so.
Long story short, we decided to adopt our grandchildren. Both parents did not wish us to reveal our evidence in court and signed away their parental rights. Our attorney guided us through the process. The children have been doing well for over 6 years and have no signs of fetal alcohol syndrome. Our ex-son-in-law has not come back to attempt to claim the kids. He married somebody else and had children with her as well as several out-of-wedlock children. Our daughter is living with a man and has another out-of-wedlock child. As far as we know, she is still drinking and does casual labor. She has threatened twice to try to regain custody. We moved out of the area.
It hurt a lot to have to resort to this. I know my husband would much rather be Grandpa instead of Daddy all over again. I would love to see my other grandchild. But it is a relief to choose not to be held hostage to our daughter’s choices, and it is a blessing to know that the grandchildren we adopted have a second chance at life.
Dr. Barnes makes a great deal of sense. It’s nice to know somebody with the authority to back up her opinions thinks we did the right thing.
I am just so fed up I could scream. My 32 year old sister-in-law is a drug addict fully supported by her parents. She started dabbling in street drugs at 14. My husband, her older brother, repeatedly attempted to address the situation with his parents, to no avail. By the time she was in her 20′s, she was arrested several times (had to change her major in college because of her arrest record), had totaled more cars than most people I know have ever owned (all provided by mom and dad!)and had a child (It took several DNA tests to deduce who the father was). Yes, she was using while pregant. After money spent on lawyers, cars, record expungement, etc., she has now traded her illicit drug addiction for a more “socially acceptable” prescription drug addiction. AND THE STATE PAYS FOR IT!! That’s right, medicaid pays her “Pain Doctor” and for her morphine, oxtcontin, xanax, etc. She has been feigning a back injury for years and now that the MRI shows nothing is wrong, her next move is “I’m mentally ill.” If she gets disability then everyone will get off her back about getting a job. MOney will roll in every month and her meds will be free. She lives at home with her parents and stays stoned all day. Her parents raise her son, pay her bills, feed her and absolve her of all responsibility. She has convinced them she is truely in pain and not an addict. The only job she’s had in the last 5 years was used to pay for her other pain doctors and all the meds they prescribed. This way she could get twice the meds; one paid out of pocket, one through medicaid, no one doctor knew about the other. Different pharmacys. It was a science. As you may guess, being high on twice the meds didn’t leave her employed long. Finally, after 17 years of addiction she agreed to go into detox/rehab a few months ago. Mom and Dad picked her up after a week and all she came out with was the phone numbers of new drug contacts she met in rehab. Within 3 months of getting out of rehab to meet with these new “clean and sober” friends, she has totaled one car, cracked up 2 more and gotten arrested (I suspect she was going to sell a few oxys to get the money to obtain another prescription). I get angry because everyone exists in such denial. My husband had talked till he’s blue in the face about what her addiction is doing to her, her son (who sees his mother like this all day and is already supervising her vigilently to ensure she is okay), his parents. Nothing! He has finally reached his breaking point. After my children and her son witnessed her assault my father-in-law, we have decided we will not be around her. Unfortunately, because she lives with my nephew and in-laws, this includes them. It has caused a rift, but we will not back down. It is not out of spite or anger, but the realization that no one involved in the situation is willing to do what it takes to improve it and it’s just too hard to watch and be unable to force the change. The old “you can lead a horse to water” scenario. We have talked to them sooooo much over the years, supported them in encouraging them and her to get help. They’ll waver a bit and move toward help but then suddenly stop. We realize, they do not want it, so we will not be a part of the insanity any longer. My husband is feeling such a loss now. He grieves his sister, who has been lost to drugs for 17 years. He grieves over the loss of connection he had with his parents because ALL they can focus on is her. How can you have a conversation with someone who is always looking past you to the addict? How do I explain the sudden change to my two gradeschoolers? I have found so very little on the effects drug addiction has on the siblings of drug addicts. My husband has always prided himself on being the best person he can, hard working, family oriented. But even as an adult, he still seeks after his parents love and attention and their response is “well, you’re so together we don’t have to worry about you”. It hurts him deeply. He hasn’t just lost his sister, the addict, but his entire family. It hurts him to know they are aware of how he feels but cannot break their addiction to the addict to give him the love, respect and attention he deserves.
Ann: I am so sorry you and your husband have to go through this. I know how it feels since I went through a similar but less severe, situation with my brother and our parents. You do lose your parents and your sibling and there is little that can be done until the parents are willing to stop what they are doing. I know you realize this and that it doesn’t make you feel any better. But until they are willing to change how they relate to your sister-in-law, nothing will change. She certainly isn’t going to change – it is working too well for her to do that!
I don’t know of any research or books about the effects of addicts/addiction on siblings and families. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any, but I just am not familiar with any. Maybe someone else reading these posts will know of something helpful.
It is a terrible loss that your husband has experienced – he has, in effect, lost his parents and his sister and it is worse than if they were dead, because they are there but he is invisible to them. And it is terribly unfair. He is being punished for being “the good one” and his sister is being rewarded for screwing up.
I think you are doing the right thing. If you join the family in their craziness, it will just make you two crazy also. Save yourself and your children and try to be the family your husband needs.
I am so glad I found this website. My story is like so many I read here. My daughter is 25, and is right now sleeping in her bedroom- in our home- drunk, unemployed, just dropped out of college— again—- and can’t seem to get her life together. I thought we were ‘helping’ her by providing her a place to live while she got her life together yet again. She is an alcoholic, and has been told she could not drink in our home. We just found that she is again drunk, drinking alone in her room. She has no money and we do not give her money- so I don’t know how she got the vodka. My suspicion is that she either stole it, or more likely- spent yesterday when she said she was job searching- begging for cash.
It is so sad- like others, she is/was a good person, but began drinking in high school, lived through several car crashes, has rarely held a steady job, refuses help, lived away from home from time to time with one deadbeat friend or another- and when she couldn’t pay rent, moved back home. Today, she said she would just become a prostitute so that she could get her own place and live without us coming in to her room. She said she gets drunk every day and we need to leave her alone and get out of her business. She owes money to who know where- including court costs for DUI’s that have now gone to collection and doubled.
Needless to say, we paid thousands in the past for lawyer, fees, phone bills, cars, college, medical help, psychologist, and on and on. We quit paying about 5 years ago, as it was obvious our financial help was not saving her from her own bad choices. She refuses to see a counselor or a doctor to get treatment of any kind.
My husband has told me over and over that she is making her own choices. I am the one that feels the guilt. If only I had been a better mother, had not worked so much, what did I do wrong, etc etc etc.
My daughter recently went back to school, had a job—- then got a financial aid check for ‘living expenses’, and with this money she started hanging out with her deadbeat friends, drinking, partying, and then…… the inevitable started all over again- dropping out of school, quitting her job, now back doing nothing but sleeping and watching TV.
My husband has said ‘at least we know where she is’. He goes to work each day and as I work at the local high school, I have the summer off. I am her with her sleeping, doing nothing, treating me with contempt, and watching her continue on this path of self destruction.
I will talk to my husband (her father) tonight about what we need to do now. I think we need to save ourselves— but how do we get her to leave without destroying herself? She has nowhere to go. She can’t live in her car as she has no car and no drivers license for the past 4 years due to 2 DUI’s, unpaid court costs, and 2 totaled vehicles.
It is sad and I live with a constant pain in my heart.
Sandy,
I so relate to your story because as you probably read I have the male version of this in my home. He also drinks alone up in his room, sleeps to one or two and treats us all with contempt (unless he’s getting his own way). He has also dropped out of college and tells us he applied for loans to go back but I have not seen any evidence of this. He has other loans out and they will be looking for him soon. We are paying back some earlier ones we cosigned because they will fall to us anyway.
I don’t know about your daughter but he will not work. He told me he would rather die than do menial work. He thinks he is above usual college jobs like waiter or laborer. He is quickly running through all that is left of his college fund and he will be at least 1.5 years short of a degree. He keeps telling us he is out looking for work but we suspect he is sitting in a bar. My favorite is when he tells us he is working at a job and then we go there and they have never even heard of him. He lies like this all time. Or, he tells us he has been hired but there is a hold up with his background check. Anything to buy time and keep us off his back for a while.
He just keeps telling me if we kick him out he will kill himself. He has already attempted once – when we told him he could only come home one weekend a month last time he was up at school. He told me he will get a stronger rope this time. It’s so horrible. I have three others who need me and need our support and so much energy and resources are going to this one. I feel so much for you. Maybe we should get them together. This is such a heartbreak.
i’m so glad i found this site! my story is alot different but all the same painful. and i hope i bring someone just a little hope for thair addict child to return to them. i used drugs for 15 yrs myself. i used meth. i did everything to my mom that i have read on here and i do mean everything. i worked my way through nursing school and when my husband left me for another woman i started spiraling down and just wanted to be comfortably numb from the pain and it took over my life. i went from being a charge nurse, having my own house, a nice car, and supporting two wonderful boys by my self to being homeless and then in prison for two years. and through it all my mom and boys never turned their back on me. my mom tried the tough love but was not very good at it probably b/c i’m an only child and she has never been married and she loves me so much…by the grace of God i was set free of this burden on 7/5/07. please don’t get me wrong i take full resposibility for all my actions and choices. i had every opportunity to get clean both by my family and by the state of texas and i chose not to. but the reason i’m so glad i found this site is b/c my youngest son has chosen to follow in my foot steps. it is breaking my heart to watch him make the choices he is making and i just needed to know someone else was out there going through the same hell i am and my mom for the second time. i know i have to stay strong and protect the rest of my family but it still doesn’t make it any easier on my heart. i pray for all the people on this site and their families members.
My husband is the adult son of a recovery alcoholic and addict. His father is currently living with his parents after losing his apartment, a suicide scare, hospital and outpatient recovery stay. His father now says he is all better but his only therapy now is attending AA meetings. He is not seeing a therapist. He has hepatatis c and severe asthma and had to retire from his post office job last year. My husband wants him to ensure he can stay clean by getting a part time job, volunteering or finding a hobby and he wants him to see a therapist at least once a week. Until he does these things, my husband doesn’t want to see his father or let his father see our daughter. This has been an ongoing issue for most of my husband’s life. My husband was mostly raised by his father’s parents and they are now turning their back on him saying that he is hard-hearted to be so tough on his dad. It’s so painful for my husband but he has been hurt so many times by his dad before – he can’t get his grandparents to understand. Any advice?
Hard as it is to manage, you husband is right in this case. In this instance it’s less important for the grandparents to understand than it is for you and you husband to be clear yourselves.
Think of it as a case of two separate familes, the grandparents and their son, you, your husband and daughter. They are, perhaps, defending their “child” and also, maybe, easing any guilt they feel about the situation. You on the other hand need be concerned primarily about the welfare of your daughter and yourselves.
Your husband’s requests are quite modest and reasonable. Remember that attending AA has less than a 5% “success” rate even for a year. Staying sober, for almost everyone, requires far more time, effort, and attention than merely attending meetings that usually lead straight back to drinking.
In the meantime, focus on your family and avoid getting sucked into the no-win situation that the grandparents are trying to lure everyone into.
As always, keep you attention on the most vulnerable person – your daughter. That’ll make it much easier to remain firm in what are, I repeat, really modest expectations on your husband’s part.
I am so heartbroken today. I have written about my 23 year old son. He is an alcoholic and we know he is mentally ill as well. He has been diagnosed as a Depressive with OCD tendencies and it has been suggested that he borderline personality as well. He has a 160 IQ so in his mind -he is smarter than anyone trying to help him.
Things have just been getting worse and worse at our house. He ran out of money and now he won’t even get out of bed. He drinks NyQuil at night because he can’t “sleep”. He has bashed himself in his head and face and has a black eye and a gash on his forehead. He is starting to look psychotic and the other kids are afraid of him.
I made arrangements for him to be admitted to a very respected addiction program in our area. They said they would work with his depression and other issues concurrently. My insurance will pick up 100% of all of this. He was supposed to go in tomorrow and we are playing hardball now. We told him he either complies and goes into the hospital tomorrow or we are putting his stuff in boxes and he has to leave our home immediately. He also has to stay the course in the program or he can’t come back here either.
All week he told us he would comply. Then, today he slept in til 4:00 pm. A friend of his came over and he flipped out on me in front of him. He told me he wouldn’t go to the hospital now or ever and that we would never see him alive again. He said he will live out the rest of his short, miserable life at his friends house. I held my ground and kept repeating that he needed to keep his appt. tomorrow but he just got angrier and angrier.
I asked for a phone number he could be reached at (he has smashed so many cell phones) but he refused to give me one. His grandmother is very ill and I told him I wanted to let him know about her. He asked why should he care? I reminded him how much she has done for him. She always gave him money when he went over to see her and she helped finance several trips. He said “She didn’t support me when it really counted.” He just wants someone to give him thousands of dollars – which he would probably just drink anyway.
I need to know I am doing the right thing. He is destroying our family and he is destroying me physically and emotionally. I have three other children and I can’t stay in this sick circle he has had me in for so many years now. I feel like this is some kind of endgame and it is so frightening and devastating. He said we never gave him any support and that is such a lie. He always had everything he wanted and we have given him so much time and space to work on his issues but all he did was lay there and bitch and complain and drink.
Thank you for listening and let me know if I am doing the right thing. The program I have him set for is an inpatient hospital setting, very old, very renowned. It is not some dump. He has already attempted suicide once, but it seemed like a bid for attention more than a serious attempt. He has told me since then that he would kill himself at least four times a day. It horrible when your world spins out of control like this.
You’re doing the right thing. Yes, he’s smart, but simply using that to manipulate you and others and avoid growing up and assume responmsibility for himself. No, you do continue to reward him for his behaviors, or to punish yourself or the rest of your family for being appropriate responsible people
He may kill himself. It’s possible. But “supporting” him will only delay that, not prevent it. If he is going to go that aggressive way – and that’s what it would be, an act of aggression, not depression, then that what he will do and it’s his responsibility, no matter how sad.
The hosp[italization may help, it may not, but at leat you will have the small comfort of knowing you did what you could. Now it’s time to turn to the rest of your family and wait and see..
.
Thank you so much Ed. I need to hear that. My husbands sister keeps calling here with more “suggestions” on what to do. She has spent years in al-anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics even though her alcoholic mother has been dead for 22 years. She has discussed our situation in her meetings and they have advised all kinds of interventions and steps that we either have already tried or we know won’t work or we can’t afford.
She has indicated that we are not doing enough for him unless we tase him and take him into an emergency room or call the police to do the same. He has said he would not cooperate with another hospital behavioral medicine program and he would fight the police, which could end very badly. All her “help” is doing is making me feel inadequate and helpless and I need the strength and courage to stick to my guns right now. I think I made the only reasonable decision based on the individual circumstances in our case. I just need some of this “help” to stop and some quiet support to take its place.
She is so afraid history will repeat itself (her alcoholic brother killed himself at 20 and he was living with her at the time). Her mother blamed her and it’s like she’s trying to go back and right a wrong now. It’s all such a mess and I can’t believe my son would put everyone through this again.
Hang in there – your sister-in-law obviously has her own separate problems, and Alanon is a very poor place to find help, as is ACOA – both usually suppoort whining rather than fixing, unhappily and also the debunked “disease” and “powerless” models that your son exploits.
Remember too that even if he could be forced, outcomes are not good. Even the “best” programs have success rates below 5% even with willing clients (the stats they cite are creative in the extreme, too).
Your son’s behaviors are choices, his choices because they have “worked” for him so far. He is manipulative and abusive and that may never change. But you and your other family members can best cope by maintaining a united front and hope that at some point he makes other choices.
As you have seen in the past, detachment and firmness results in escalation but that will only work for him if you give into the escalation. Otherwise he’ll have to do something else and, yes, that unpredictability is frightening, but the predictable results of continuing are even more disasterous for everyone in the long run.
Again – our sympathy over a very very painful situation.
Diane- I am certainly no expert as my daughter continues to have problems with alcohol- A few years ago, however, my son was immersed in smoking pot. He has thankfully now moved on and is living a productive life. At that time, we were at our wits end as he had quit school, did nothing but get into trouble, etc etc etc. We did call the police at one point as my son continued to bring pot into our home and refused any thought of rehab.
Long story short, the police came out and arrested him for possession, which then led to a whole new layer of problems. It did not ‘shock’ my son into quitting drugs, and he still refused rehab. Getting the legal system involved on top of everything else was a nightmare.
I know you are going through your own nightmare. You are in my thoughts.
Sandy
Sandy,
Thanks for your advice – it helps to hear other people’s experiences. I suspected as much with the police. The police in our area don’t seem very helpful at all. They are very authoritarian and my son is oppositional-defiant so I can’t see where that would end well at all.
It’s terrible that they would arrest your son and put your family through all that when you asked for help. They seem almost robotic anymore because of all these “zero tolerance” laws. I’m glad he was able to come out of all that and each time I hear a success story it gives me that much more hope that we can get through this. I rescheduled his appt. for Tuesday and I hope that he comes back by then and is willing to try it. He wanted so bad to go out with his friends this weekend and since he has no money and no car right now – they will soon tire of him anyway.
We are sticking to our guns – go to the hospital, give an honest effort to get help and we will talk about letting him back in until he can get a job and another situation. If not, he needs to stay out there because we can’t do this anymore to ourselves and our kids. You are in my thoughts too, as is everyone on this board.
diane
I posted back in March 2010. I followed Ed & Mary Ellen’s advice & stopped giving my son money. He had quit his job & when he got evicted he moved to a small town to live with his Dad. He was isolated with no job, car, money or friends. He went fishing, running & soul searching & spent 2 months getting clean for the first time in 7 years.
I would never have had the courage to cut him off financially if I had not read this page. I am someone who is always fixing things. I really needed to back off & let him find his own answers. He has a job & desire to pay back his old debts.
I tell him that I am proud of what he is doing. Sometimes he looks at me like I am a stranger & I don’t understand it. He has actually said that he feels weird around me when he hasn’t seen me in a couple weeks. I talk about mutual friends, family, books & movies we both like. Is he unconfortable because he is coming out of his fog?
Basically the two of you have to develop a new relationship with each other and this will take time. “Children” always have trouble not regressing around “parents” and the two of you now must create a new relationship that doesn’t have either of your reverting to your old destructive patterns.
Yes, it’ll be weird for awhile – as is the case with any significant behavioral change.
So, give yourselves time and see what develops and don’t expect things to evolve to a new “normal” for a year or more. After all, what’s important is that he is finding a new way for himself that doesn’t involve self-destruction and that should be enough, especially for now.
My 74 & 80 year old parents live within 60 yards of my 48 year old alcoholic brother. He has begun stealing from them (alcohol that they have for cooking and/or unopened xmas gifts of port that are around and other items that he just wants for himself). He is prone to rages as well and smashed his own computer, cell phone and regular phone the other evening. He also frequently calls them on the phone or yells at them in person. So they are frightened of him – but they also still help him by taking him to doctor appointments ( he is not allowed to drive, thank goodness, due to DUI conviction) in addition to everything else. What do you recommend they do to protect themselves if they decide to take a stand and cut him off – they can’t move from their home. My suggestion was to call the local crisis center but they are more geared toward family with teenager abuse problems. Would love a starting point.
I have a 31 yr old daughter. She held a good job for many years and was also three months from becoming a nurse. She has a 11yr and 3yr old daughters. Then she almost died from heroin. She was in rehab for heroin for 6 months (I had custody of the children) and appeared to do well for almost a year.
She also has type 1 diabetes and possibly lupus. I get so frustrated because she blames everything on her illnesses. Such as she lives in filth and does not take good care of her children. Our family have tried so hard to be supportive (not enabling). She is selfish and will buy cigarrettes and things for herself instead of the children. I found out she actually left the kids in the middle of the night to run over to her boyfriends house. She doesn’t follow through with anything and most of the time lays around on the couch. The 3yr old doesn’t get her hair combed or clothes changed.
Four days ago I told her I wasn’t going to take the children home because they deserved better. I told her when she wanted to clean up her act and start acting responsible, the family would be supportive, but until then I was keeping the kids and she could set up visits. She hasn’t called yet. I know she probably will soon. She loves her children (or at least she once did). I’m so confused. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I guess I should get an attorney and take legal action. She would probably sign the children over so she wouldn’t have to deal with court. The whole family misses the woman we once knew, who was thoughtful, caring, loving and responsible. I’m starting to think we will never get her back. Does anyone have a good story of their adult child who finally overcame addiction? Any advice would be appreciated also. Thank you.
The best advice we can give, and it runs through this entire blog, is to remember that your daughter is making choices. Addiction is a choice, not a disease, and she will continue to choose that as long as the short term benefits outweigh the short term costs. So,me will choose that life style until they die. Others tire of it and change.
It seems you are doing what you can, protecting the children but not her, and refusing to be manipulated. We know that that is very hard. But it all you can do.
Someday she may make another choice –
Ed and Mary Ellen
Sue, I understand your need to read at least one “happy story”. You are in a heartbreaking situation, and you are doing the right thing to save your grandchildren. If you look backwards in this thread, my letters numbered 57 and 79 tell my story. It is a hopeful one,and I hope it helps.
My son continues to do well. He has a better job now, but it is a hard one, in sales, and it requires a lot of self-motivation. He has had some personal ups and downs, and is still drug-free. I still worry about him daily (but I don’t tell him that). There have been no signs of him returning to his old ways, and he feels grateful to be back to a “normal” life.
What worked for him, I think, was two things: 1: he decided that the lifestyle he was in was too much to maintain, that he couldn’t stay on the rollercoaster of trying to find drugs. When we completely stopped helping him with money, that was a big factor in his deciding this. 2: he did have a very nice childhood, with a good family, like most of the people I read about here. He remembered that, and saw others around him enjoying sober lives. He wanted it back. The old, “normal” life was a target for him. That is why I think instilling values early is so important. It gives the person something to come back to.
Anyway, that is our story for now. No one knows what the future will bring, we all just do our best.
Best of luck to you. Enjoy your grandchildren, and keep them safe if you can.
I wrote the comment about my daughter comment to me are welcome. to my email
I wrote a comment about my 18 year old daughter it is posted on another page for some reason. She is addicted to herion.. I have horror stories from when she lived with me. I too had to kick her out of my house two years ago. her being a juvenile then she went to live with her dad till she was 18. While she lived with me which was all her life..she started using herion when she was 15. I had her in rehab, couceling and also had her live with friends away from our neighborhood that she was getting the drugs. Nothing worked .. she went back to the drugs over and over. She now lives with a guy and he has the same problem. I have remarried and have alot of support from my husband.. My daughter is not allowed in our home as long as she uses drugs and lives this lifestyle. I do talked to her but she blames me for her bad life and tries to make me feel guilty for her bad choices in life. she never finished high school because of her choices. it has been one heart break after another. If there is alternative help for her other than rehab. please let me know.. I don’t have the financial means ,but she does have a medical card. I would refer her to anything different if it would help her, if I can get her to listen.. Please comment back…
Patty,
I don’t really know much about heroin addiction except my kids tell me it’s the new cocaine. It’s seeing quite an upsurge and when my son was in rehab the younger people seemed to all be addicted to it.
I really don’t think it matters what the substance of choice is -it’s all a heartbreak. We love our kids so much and spend so much time trying to keep them from harm and then they make these horrible choices. They back us into a corner where we are damned if we do and damned if we dont’.
We sent our son to a rehab hospital for alcoholism recently. He went and they released him after ten days. He was supposed to comply with an Intensive Outpatient Program where he went back for twelve hours a week. He did say he procured a job and for about two weeks we were hopeful. Then, last night he started acting his old self again. He was obviously drunk and very angry and violent. He knocked me around a bit and just went back to his old mantra of blaming everybody else and screaming about how empty his life is. He told me he just wants to die- he has attempted suicide in the past.
We found four new bottles in his room and he told us he chooses to drink and we can’t do anything about it. He said the program was a joke and he feels justified in drinking because he has nothing but the alcohol. He railed about not having a girlfriend like his friends. He is good looking enough but he has such a horrible personality -who would put up with him? He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder – even a lot of therapists won’t work with this. They let him out of the hospital after the minimum time – they couldn’t stand him either.
I feel so trapped with him. He screams and drinks and blames everybody for the fact that he now finds himself penniless, friendless and hopeless. He never did work and he never finished school and he alienated all his friends. Now we feel trapped with him and he with us because he has no other option. He is getting physical and suicidal again. The help he got was only a temporary reprieve.
My husband and I are going to see a psychologist. We need help to deal with all of this. I suspect one day he will kill himself and he hangs it over our heads every day. He left tonight to go to a bad neighborhood and do god knows what. He told us he hopes he gets shot there. I know now I have done everything and I have to let this play out for all our sakes. It sounds terrible but if he kills himself, at least I will know where he is. We all need to heal now – and I am going to concentrate on that and hold on to that little glimmer of hope that something will hit him and he will come back, changed.
I hope you have better luck with your daughter – you are not alone, get help for yourself so you can be strong.
diane
Diane- I am so sorry to hear how things are going with your son. Things with my daughter are no better- We got calls from her twice last week to come and pick her up- she was drunk and said she was planning to ‘just sleep in the park because you don’t want me at home’, but she got scared. We rescued her- again. She refuses medical help, counseling, and rehab. In addition to her drinking, she has an eating disorder, so I know her general health is declining.
I am where you are- I know I can’t ‘save’ my daughter. She has to save herself. My husband, however, isn’t there yet. And keeps trying to talk to her and encourage her to ‘get her life together’. Those talks have been going on for a couple of years now, and things are no better– in fact they are worse. She is miserable, hurting, self-destructive, and almost daily gets intoxicated for whatever reason.
I don’t have any answers.
Sandy
Diane,
Wow, I know i’m not alone. I know about all the abuse. My daughter used to be very verbally and physically abusive to me when she lived with me.. Still to this day sometimes when she calls me i hear the same thing ,,either she is dying and I don’t care or she wishes she was dead .. The guilt she tries to lay on me.. That all her “bad choices are my fault” I don’t care and I won’t help her ,,That I am not a mom I have abandoned her . wow this has been going on for a while. I pray everyday that she will get the help she needs. She is supposedly going to a methadone clinic, seeing a councelor 3 times a week.. She tells me her councelor feels sorry for her and understands why she does drugs.. because noone especially her mom doesn’t care about her.. wow this is what she tells me now.Trying the guilt thing again, because she needed money and I refuse to give her any. She got a waitressing job recently, so we will see. she never has been able to keep a job. She is only 19 and has totally ruined her life. I only hope she can find the help and get better. I have done all I can fore her someday I hope to have a relationship with her. Right now I can’t even have her at my house . That part really breaks my heart. But I am standing strong on this . Thanks to my husband. As I say all I can do right now is pray everyday that she gets help..
I don’t have any answers either . I just take one day at a time. I have faith in God. It hasn’t gotten any easier not having her live with me or being at my house . except i don’t live with the abuse anymore.. I’m still her Mom and I still love her and It still hurts everyday that things are the way they are.
Patty
Sandy and Patty,
It’s a terrible mess we all find ourselves in, isn’t it? As Patty said, we are all mothers and we all still love our kids. That being said, some days I just hate him. I hate him for not trying, for putting us through this hell and not trying in spite of everyone who is trying to help him.
I went up to his room today to retrieve some things that he had “reappropriated” from others in the house (laptop, ipod, clothes, money). He was in his bed at 3:00 in the afternoon. The blankets were over his head, he obviously hasn’t showered in days or shaved. The room was oppressively hot and he didn’t bother to open a window. The room smells like hot urine mixed with body odor, wet towel and stale whiskey. He has dirty dishes piled all over and trash on his floor. The carpet is ruined. He just threw stuff at me until I left his room. All the time he was yelling how I “hassle him” and “emotionally abuse” him and “belittle him.” He really expects us to put up with him not working, not finishing his education, his drinking binges, his rages, property destruction, abuse of family members etc. etc.
He had the nerve to go to my parents home and tell them that I was a “menopausal shrew” and that I needed to go on some hormone therapy. He told them I scream all day at him for nothing. My mom actually bought all this. She told me to go to the doctors and get some hormones. The day he did this he was wearing a suit and tie and he told them he had procured this great job. He asked for some money to “tide him over” until his first check. She gave him money and he ran straight to the bar and the liquor store. I told her there is no job and that he refuses to even look. She is having such a hard time with all of this. He was always her favorite.
We are all in the same boat. We keep rescuing them and believing this can all change. The thing is.. I believe it can but I don’t believe it will any longer. I have had those long talks about his life with him and have come away feeling so much better, just to be pushed off the cliff when he goes right back to his old ways and I realize I’ve been had again. Something has to change. My husband told me tonight he can’t put up with this for much longer. I worry about where all this could lead in terms of my future with him. We were happily married once, but this is taking a horrible toll.
Mary Ellen and Ed have given me great advice. I put some of it to use when I gave him the ultimatum about going into rehab. Now that he is out, and already relapsed and we can see he doesn’t WANT to change, I need to find the strength to put the rest of the plan into motion. He has to go. We can’t keep allowing this mess in our home.
Good luck to you all in your struggles. I hope someone will have some good news soon.
Unhappily there are no good solutions – just the necessity to choose between a number of really difficult and unsatisfactory choices. But it is important to remember that your child’s choices are just that, choices. He or she is not “powerless” or “diseased” – on this point the research of the past 40 years is clear- and as long as these choices are rewarded, and the logical consequences averted, your child has no reason to change.
Equally unhappily, most “rehab” programs do little to change the behavior – indeed, in most case, they will simply teach you child to be a more skillful manipulator.
There are, however, roughly a dozen programs in the U.S. which do have better success at changing behaviors than the 5% or less rate of AA/12 Step based programs. There are good reseidential programs in N.Y, Iowa and S. CA and good outpatient programs here in CA. Look for ones that encourage family participation so you too get the help and relief you need and deserve.
To Sandy, Patty, Diane, and all the other moms and dads:
My son was an oxycodone addict and very much like you all describe in your posts. He has now been clean for 14 months, and has a really great job. He is living in an apt. we own, and gradually taking over the bills (I wish he would take them all over, but he is paying off debts that are mountainous). I have no guarantee that he will continue on this path, any more than I know I will not develop cancer, or he will not be in a car wreck. I just live with the happiness that recovery IS possible.
I DID NOT cause his recovery, but I stopped allowing his addiction. As soon as we cut off his support – especially money – he found the motivation to change his life. One big factor, according to him, is that he had a very happy childhood, and we are regular middle-class people. He wanted to get back to those happy, secure feelings and the lifestyle he used to enjoy. It was complicated, because I am divorced, and his dad did not want to stop taking care of him. He moved in with me to detox. After that, he was still a slob, and did not clean his room or help me in the house, but he got a job and stayed clean. He was like a typical teenager but in his 20′s. He now takes very good care of his living area and has a better job (like going through the growing up period late).
I don’t want to give you false hope, but it is very important that you STOP supporting him/her, and STOP letting them abuse you!!!!!! You and your husbands need to focus on what makes you happy and building your relationships. If you make your lives happy and serene (appearing), it will give your children something to aim for, like a beacon. If you allow them to destroy your life, you just reinforce in them the feeling that it is all hopeless, anyway, might as well get high.
Sorry this is so long, but we have had to take this road with this son, and to a lesser extent, a daughter, and it works! Some people will never get help, but that is not your fault. Enjoy your memories of your children when they were little. Then, think of this “child” as someone entirely different. Build your life and provide an example of what can be.
Dawn
It is so nice to read all of your posts. Not that I would wish any of this on anyone, but it’s good not to feel alone. My daughter continues having her ups and downs. She does get random drug tests which come out clean. I wish she could come out of her depression. I will continue to be supportive, but I will not enable her!
Oddly enough…I am also a social worker. I was working with a mother last week who is doing very well turning her life around. She used alcohol, heroin, cocaine, uppers, downers, etc… She lost her childen and is now working to regain custody. She is working, attending college, taking “Getting Ahead” empowerment classes, and counseling.
She said, “you know, when I was using, not working, and laying around, one little appointment seemed to overwhelm and stress me out. Now that everyday is filled with appointments/work/classes I feel I can handle everything”. I asked her what was her turning point and she said it was when everyone quit helping her be an addict. Her family quit paying her bills, lending her money, giving her rides, giving her a place to sleep,they took custody of her children, and quit paying for attorneys. Eventually she didn’t have money to get high and didn’t like being in jail. Once off the drugs, she was able to think clearly enough to make better decisions. Eventhough she is doing good, they still are not financially helping her. She walks or rides a bike everywhere. She still has scheduled visits with the children. Instead of cursing her family as she did in the past, she says she understands why they are not helping her and she respects and appreciates them and wants to work harder to earn back their respect. I just wanted to share this story with all of you. They have to be accountable for their actions and suffer the consequences – when we get in the way of this process, we are only making it easier for them to continue their destructive path.
I try hard to be strong. I don’t care of the excuses of, I lost my money, someone stole my perscription, someone stole my foodstamps, someone broke into my house, I need cab money, can you buy me ciggarettes, I need shoes, I need asprin, my electric is getting disconnected, I need cellphone for safety, I need a place to sleep, bla bla bla… I do not give her a penny or buy her anything. It’s hard. I love her.
Each of you are in my prayers. I pray that God take care of his children. They are His before they are ours. I pray God give us strength, knowledge and wisdom to go forth each day.
I had one more comment to share. The best nights sleep I’ve had is when my daughter was in jail or rehab. I knew where she was and that she was safe. I was calm and relaxed–she was stressed out and upset. (hmmm, there’s a switch) I did everything I could to help the process of arrest. I didn’t bail her out. I also requested to talk to the judge and asked him to make her unbondable and give her the max time in jail. She was charged with a misdemeanor but spent more time in jail than the seasoned criminal. I didn’t get her an attorney. I let her go through detox in jail. I didn’t give her money in jail, When she called me, I would hang up anytime she talked disrespectful to me or raised her voice. I trusted God to get us all through it. It may sound like I’m heartless, but I wanted her to hit bottom so she would start to re-think her life. If I have to, I will do it again (because I love her and I want to also keep my sanity). If you are working harder than your child. STOP Turn it around! Good Luck to all!!
As they say, misery loves company. The comments I have found here have been helpful in giving me the strength to use the Marchman Act to involuntarily commit my 28 year old daughter. It truly is a matter of life and death for her at this point. Unfortunately, she left the treatment facilitly after 24 hours, but the sheriff is actively looking for her. We intend to cut off all personal contact and financial assistance with her after she has had this last opportunity to make some attempt to change her lifestyle. She has chosen not to accept the life line being offered and we have chosen not to subject ourselves to her downward spiral and self-destructive behavior. The daughter we once knew no longer exists, our family is broken, and I truly believe that she will not find peace until death.
Yes it is true what you say Susan , well everyone’s stories have something in common. I too cut off my daughter . She is only 19, but I had to do something when nothing was working.. She is so abusive to me. That I could not take or the pain of watching her distroy her life and try and distroy her family too. Our family will never be the same, but we are strong and must move on. after so long I started excepting phone calls from her only to find out nothing has really changed. I just don’t need to put up with her constant guilt trips when I know none of this is my fault. three years of pain.. I am remarried and my son who is nothing like his sister (thank god) is a senior in high school. You would think she would want to change to be a part of our good lives. but it has been two years almost and she hasn’t changed.. so we keep strong.. I pray one day she will change and can be a part of our lives again.. only time will tell . Only she can take this pain away, by changing how she lives.. I will always be her mother and always love her, but I cannot watch her distroy her life knowing she is hurts bad enough..
My 23 year old son turned things around 4 months ago. Yesterday one of his friends died in a reckless accident involving 2 of his other close friends. We are both so stunned because he could easily have been involved if he wouldn’t have changed. I feel for everyone & I am so thankful that I still have my son. He has a new outlook on life & he has a good job & most important he seems to be happy. We are rebuilding our relationship & I am at peace. I will not dwell on the past or the future but enjoy the good moments that we have right now. I will say it again that the main turning point was when I got on this site & stopped giving him money to buy drugs. He had to change. Words cannot express how grateful I am for this advise.
We are always, of course, pleased when someone writes to share good news about a child’s decision to make a different choice.
But please remember, you can make another choice for yourself and your other children, regardless of the outcome for the abusing – and abusive – child. It vis their choice after all despite 75 years of propaganda to the contrary.
Yes, if you don’t support the abuse, he or she may choose a differnt life. They may not, but you don’t need to become as self-destructive as they. Don’t let them take you with them.
Ed and Mary Ellen
Susan, I can relate so much to your last comment – that you believe your daughter will not find peace until death. I have come to believe this about my 23 year old son and it is certainly something he screams at me every night in his drunken rages.
The update on my son is that he got an excellent job a couple of weeks ago. As I mentioned he is very high intelligence and when sober, amazingly articulate. I thought this would give him a huge boost – the success he needed to stop being so depressed and using his “miserable” life as an excuse for his drunken binges.
He now tells us that he has proven that he can drink like he wants to and still hold a great job in management. I guess my point is that he just got the job – he hasn’t held anything for any amount of time. Last night was another fight (3 in the am) because he wanders the house most of the night with his “insomnia” and his fifth of whatever. I try very hard not to answer him – but he gets in my face and screams and accuses us of everything from abuse (so not true) and now abandoning him, leaving him with nothing in his life.
He is angry because he has been evicted. I found some apartments for him, gave him the info – am willing to write a check for the security deposit (I’ll never see that back the way he lives). We told him to choose. If he was working (his job is about 50 hours a week) he had the option to stay until mid – Oct when the apt. he wants will be ready. However, he is still drinking, destroying my home and my peace in spite of his great job. Now, he has to leave after his first paycheck by renting a room by the week. That will be this Sunday. I just can’t watch this anymore. We highly suspect he will screw this job up and I want him out when he is still getting paychecks.
His drinking is so bad that my husband says it is at the level his mother was at before she died. I told him he will soon have the liver and heart of a person twice his age and he said that was what he wants -to hasten his death so he doesn’t have to live in this world longer. He won’t continue to see the therapist he was assigned in rehab – he stopped going to his outpatient therapy appts. He keeps saying just what Ed and Mary Ellen say on this blog – he is drinking because he chooses to. He considers this all a very valid lifestyle.
I am glad to hear Melinda say her son seems to have been shocked back to some sort of reality. I hope and pray that mine lives long enough to snap out of this. We don’t hold a lot of hope that someone with his lifestyle will be able to function in a position of responsibility for very long. I read that Borderline Personality Disorder (his diagnosis) will often burn itself out by the time the patient is 30 or so. Since he is not yet 24, but this bad off already, I don’t know if he has that long to wait.
Hopefully, being on his own will teach him some things.
diane
I just got back from trying to pick up my son’s few belongings from some terrible Motel. He has been arrested
again – this time for theft. He is 23 and is a Heroin
addict. I love him so much and will never give up trying to
help him but I can no longer pay for the drugs, attorneys and fines. I am working two jobs and barely able to pay
my bills at this point. I really believe I had to get to this point because if I had it I would still give him money -I just no longer have it. I really need a lot of reassurance because I want him back so badly. Before the arrest, I offered to let him come back home for a short period ( a week or so) until he could get back in a rehab. We argued about the choice of rehab and he said it had to
be the one he wanted – The one I had chosen was too long. He wanted to be out so that he could hook back up with his addict girl friend. I feel so angry and upset and any other emotion you can think of. Thanks for any advice or help you could offer.
Kathy I can relate to you… I know everyone’s problem’s are bad, but my daughter 19, is a herion addict too. It is one of the most dangerous addictions there is . well if they are iv users. You just never know when they will get a hot dose and overdose and die. That is what I lived with for three years. She hasn’t lived with me for 2 years, but that doesn’t stop me from being heartbroken and worry. when she does call it kinda relieves the worry for that moment.. I donot support her in anyway and haven’t for years. She hasn’t changed her life, but I donot put up with her constant disrespect and abuse anymore . She is supposidly going to a methadone clinic and counceling and has gotten a waitress job. only time will tell me if her life has changed . She is still with a guy that also has the same problem. They both have stole things , she used to steal things from her family when she lived with us and sell them. Her and this guy stole , just haven’t gotten caught yet. He is no good for her if she wants to be clean. So when she is free of those type . Then I will start to believe she is serious. It is so heartbreaking knowing she lives this way, but I am trying so hard to keep strong for my son who well in my eyes is perfect. and I have a new husband who supports me alot and keeps me from caving in where she is concerned.. I will always love my daughter , even if she says and tells the world I don’t care someday I hope she understands. until then I stand strong.
My son is such a sweetheart – almost never disrespectful but
is very determined when he needs money. But there has been alot of theft and forgery and the list goes on. He has only been out of the house a short time and lived with his brother. His brother could be a great role model for him and loves him and wants to help him as much as I do. He said he couldn’t stay there anylonger and moved into this motel – Wow what a place. Can’t imagine. I am trying to stay strong though the only thing that keeps me strong is that I know it wouldn’t help him if I caved in. I am so worried that it is never going to change – he is an IV user. I feel so hollow inside – apart of me is missing!
Kathy,
We can only pray as you know they have to want to change and it is such an awful drug to get away from.. I have watch my daughter distroy her life because she chose to use . She never finished high school. I told her it would be a start getting her GED, while she says she is going to get it, time just keeps going on. I want her to get better. I wish I could help her, but like I said she is very disrespectful to me at most times. There are a few times I talk to her where we get along ok, but not many. She blames me for everything. Yes I feel the same way, like apart of me is missing I pray she recovers and gets clean I want to have some kind of relationship with my daughter,but as long as she lives this horrible life I cannot . I pray for her everyday, It just seems like alot of days have went by and nothing has changed. Keep strong.
Thankyou for this great resource to share. I can really relate to many situations that people are going through, particularly those feelings of hopelessness and despair. Although, dealing with a parent who is not in recovery is still a challenge I’m not totally swamped with those feelings like I used to be.
I guess maybe I don’t understand the negative view of recovery groups. I have been in Alanon for 23 years and my spouse has been sober for 26 years in AA.(we’ve been married 22 years) Obviously our experience with recovery groups has been good, although honestly things have changed a great deal over the years, and not always for the good. The PRINCIPLES of the program have not changed and they really work…..however, our culture has changed, which has affected the fellowship part of the program.
My experience is that the Alanon program has absolutely helped me so much….I can really say I think if I had not changed my behavior I don’t know how I could have continued the way I was going. I am the youngest of 4 children. My mother is a drug addict and I was her chief enabler…however, through the principles of the program I was shown how to turn loose of the situation and start living again. (however, I had to do the work, they couldn’t do the heavy lifting for me)
I don’t really have a question, but I did want to give a plug for the principles of the 12-step program. Also, powerless was never meant to mean helpless. If anything, a person who is recovering (at least in my experience) has more accountability, not less. Powerless means that to continue the way one is going is never going to work. Surrender and change are the only way out for the person with the addiction. This also applied to me. I had to quit allowing myself to feel sorry for my mother and to quit being lazy emotionally, which is what I was. She could wrap me around her little finger with a combo of tears, threats to harm herself or either me, and lots of other tricks. Changing the situation was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. The flood of emotions and guilt really felt like it would destroy me at times….but it hasn’t and it hasn’t destroyed her either. I can’t say she has changed except she doesn’t dump on me anymore (and she is very bitter about my stopping that behavior in her towards me) but i don’t have the emotional hangovers I used to have, or the waves of depression I used to have from the anger of letting her use me. One thing that helped me was to realize that I was exaggerating what would happen when I started saying no to her….it was ugly, BUT the world did keep on turning:) and the sun came up and each time it got a little easier, and I got a little stronger.
I must say I am so glad that I got my life back because I truly believe that God never intended me to live my life that way. Sometimes when I think about how things were, I can’t believe that I lived like that or put up with that stuf. I guess the further I get away from it, the stranger it seems. I know that today I would never allow those things to be done to me. Today things are healthier for me and I am growing and I know that the Alanon program has helped me to get strong and start living a more positive life no matter what other people choose to do.
Thanks for letting me share.
Gracie
Gracie,
Thanks so much for sharing your story – I found it very helpful and it comes from a place of so much experience. We have Al-Anon meetings close to our home and I have been wanting to check them out. This gives me the impetus to do that because you described the very result that I need in my life.
I need to stop feeling so guilty about changing my behavior toward my son and he is a master manipulator trying to keep me feeling guilty and responsible for his choices. I could so relate to the part where you said you felt that this could destroy you or destroy her – that’s where I have been living for so long. I have made a lot of changes to how we handle this situation but he is still living in our house.
He has a very good job now, works a lot of hours, but he still has a bottle in the freezer which he comes home to at night. We don’t know how long the job will last if he keeps this pattern – we are desperate to get him out of our home and out on his own. Thank you for your post, it made a difference to me. I will check out the meetings – he won’t continue to seek treatment and help but I need the support and camraderie that is offered there.
diane
Diane,
Our group has many parents with children of alcoholics/addicts and there is alot of support there. Even though I have found much support and comfort with many of the members of Alanon, it is wise not to expect too much. They are people like you and me who are not perfect, and doing the best they can. I see many people who expect the people at Alanon to have some magical formula and fix their problems without them having to do anything.
What has really helped me is to focus on the literature (especially the older literature which has the undiluted program) as well as other resources that are phychologically sound. Alanon is just a part of my program of wellness. I have worked (and continue to work) especially hard with many cognitive therapy books as well as a small group of people from my church who are dealing with this same issue. My spouse is a Master’s level counselor, so we spend alot of time and energy in the growth and healing process and that has been what has worked for me. Change takes alot of work, but it is SO worth it. A good counselor who will guide you in a healing, growing process is invaluable. But even with much support, you must do the work. I look at it as if I were taking a class in school. If I don’t prepare, do the work, etc. I’m probably gonna do lousy. Its not exactly like that, but kinda :)
I see alot of people in Alanon and other places who are miserable, but they are unwilling to invest the time that’s necessary to change. In other words, I guess I’m saying to find what works for you. When I first came into Alanon it was very different than it is now. Many of the ladies (and occasionally a male; there weren’t many men back then) had a different mindset. They were very solution oriented. And obviously they would do what the program would say and it worked. I think this was when people used to think Alanon was magic….it seemed to be because it worked so well. That was my experience. However, many times nowadays, people come in the program and they know everything and then they start telling you why they are different and the rules don’t apply to them, and obviously they don’t get good results and then they leave and tell everyone, “well I tried that and it doesn’t work”.
I just had to go on and do this without my parent ever wanting to get into recovery (My husband and I took her to several AA meetings, introduced her to people, bought her the literature, etc but she wasn’t interested), but am I ever glad I went. My oldest sister has joined me (which I never expected) and we have re-established a friendship which has been a true joy. So even though I didn’t get exactly what I wanted (sober mom) its ok, cause life is good.
And your life is good, you just have to go and get that good life for yourself. Just believe that there is a solution that will work. It may not be easy to find. You may have to try something and re-try many, many times, but it is there. Believe me, I did not see how in a million years I could ever solve this problem, but its working out.
Best Wishes,
Gracie
I have a stepson that is 22yrs old that is an addict to pot and probably more. He has been arrested 4 times all for possession. He currently lives with his grandparents because my husband and I kept too close an eye on him, as my stepson said. While he lived with us, I made him sign a contract agreeing to our expectations and if he failed a drug test, he would be asked to leave. I feel his grandparents are enabling him by letting him live with them, giving him money, providing food and place to do laundry. He has not worked for over a year nor does he show any motivation to do so. My husband and I constantly disagree on the next step in dealing with his son. It is putting a strain on our marriage to the point I feel like walking away. My husband is in denial that his son has a PROBLEM. I do not know what to do except keep my mouth shut. It is tearing me up inside and maybe my marriage. Any advice for a step-parent of an addict?
As a step-parent I do appreciate the difficult position you find yourself in. However, over the years Mary Ellen and I have consistently offered the same suggestion: stay out of it.
Again and again we note that we step-parents are not in the child’s life by their choice and it is important that we do NOT assume parental roles. This just makes us scapegoats and we end up being the target for children, parents, and grandparents alike as they use us to avoid dealing with problems.
Yes, it often gets to the point of walking away and is, at times, the only thing to do – but for your own health, not with any hope that it will leverage anyone else into doing something different.
Again, detatch and focus on your own life and let the others deal with their own problems. Refuse to engage in what’s obviously a “family” problem and don’t end up being a distraction, diversion, and/or the “bad guy”.
Dr. Ed Wilson
I got a phone call from my daughter yesterday .. She was threatening to kill herself and saying her messed up life is my fault.. well this is nothing new. She recently got picked up by the police and she was so high they took her to the hospital I’m not sure of any charges.. she wasn’t even going to tell me. My husband works in the same town as she lives in I live about 40 min away from her. I guess i am in need of advice.. if anybody has any.. It hurts me so bad when she calls and says all those things to me all my wishing and nothing ever changes.. should I quit answering when she calls me I don’t know what to do her birthday is in 2 weeks and I am refusing to go see her Is that wrong?? boy I think she has done laid a guilt trip on me again.. I know this is not my fault.. but It hurts so bad to hear her talk like that over and over.. she won’t get the proper help.. any advice?????
Hi Patty- I totally understand- You don’t say how old your daughter is, but I take it she is an adult. As such, she is making her own choices, no matter how self destructive they may be. That isn’t your fault. We have to take a stand and not let our children’s poor choices ruin our lives also. We can’t MAKE them stop drinking, using drugs, etc.
My daughter also has been picked up by the police. Once taken to detox (drunk tank), and another time to the hospital as she was too drunk for detox to take her. I guess no ‘charges’ were filed against my daughter by the police, but she has received bills from ambulance, hospital ER, and ER doctor. I found out about it only because the bills were sent to our house, where she still lives off and on. My daughter says she doesn’t intend to pay the bills as she would have been fine if they had left her alone—- she doesn’t get it that you are not ‘fine’ if you are passed out alone and unresponsive in the city park.
It is all so sad. I am finally to the place where I do not blame myself, but I do feel sadness. What a waste of life-
I hope your daughter doesn’t follow through on her suicide threat, but again- that is her choice. I hope my daughter doesn’t die before she accepts the help (counseling, rehab, medication)we have offered. Her excuse is that rehab doesn’t work. Well, sleeping in the park and being taken to detox or being too drunk to be taken to detox and taken to the ER instead isn’t working either. Sandy
Hi Sandy
It’s nice to have your support. My daughter is 19. She dropped out of school when she was 16. I have had her in rehab well as much as I could , when she was living with me she stole hundreds of dollars from me and her brother that we worked hard for , stole items and sold them for herion.. When I got the law involved she went to rehab because she thought she had to by the judge. she got out and she stayed with a family that was trying to help her, she was clean for 8 months, she wanted to come home so I let her , a month later she was doing it all again would not listen started stealing again and took off to stay with the guy she is still with today, being under age I threatened to call the police so she went to live with her dad, she wouldnt abide by his rules either and snuck out of the house all the time.. when she turned 18, she moved in with the guy who she is still with, they are supposidly going to a methadone clinic and getting clean, but after the other day I will never belive her she lies to me and is very mean to me when she calls… typical of a herion addict. I cannot let her live with me I will not go through that pain again, she tells me I have abandoned her I don’t see her very often, It is too painful to see her while she is like this.. It hurts so bad to see her waste her life.. I’m sorry if that makes me a bad mother but I can’t enable her or see her.. I honestly pray somedays that she would go to jail it could save her life.. I am tired of the endless worry. I want to live my life…Patty
Thanks, Patty – I really appreciate your comments – I had a little trouble getting back -sorry for the delay in responding!! I just read your response to Sandy!! I really hope for you, Sandy and I that peace will come. My son is still in jail – more charges have been added to what they charged him when he was arrested. When I go to see him – He looks like his old self and sounds so full of hope but I can’t help remembering the times in the past when he sounded the same way. I still can’t help hoping that this will be the time that he makes it!! It sounds terrible but I don’t worry as much – I know he is safe!! and not using. I wonder is jail the only place that keeps him on the right track????
To Patty and Others: I understand completely how much it hurts to have contact with your daughter due to the lifestyle she has chosen. I recently made a decision to cut off all contact with my daughter after offering her one last chance for recovery. I borrowed thousands of dollars from family, raided my 401(k) account, so she could be admitted to a private detox/rehab. She walked out after six days. We had a long conversation before she left treatment, and I warned her that if she did not stick it out, her family no longer wanted anything to do with her. While she was choosing to return to her life as an addict, we certainly were entitled to choose to move on without being subjected to the pain and drama she creates on an almost daily basis. She attempts to contact us by phone constantly, but we do not answer. We have instructed security personnel in our gated community that she is not permitted to enter. I have only seen her once in the past three weeks, and her physical appearance and behavior was heartbreaking. I am finding some peace and stability in my life since I cut her off. I probably should have done it long ago. She is no longer a topic of discussion between family and friends. She no longer dominates my thoughts. She is an adult and is finally suffering the consequences of her behavior. She has no job, no money, no telephone, no car, and in two weeks she will be homeless as we stopped paying her rent. She is the only one who can control her destiny. I finally got off the roller coaster, and she is free to do whatever she pleases without family intervention. It gets to the point where you have to save yourself, and I’m there.
To Patty, Sandy and Susan,
Hang in there. I have also hit the wall with my son and he finally moved out last weekend. He does have a very good job now and he has been going. But, he also is continuing his drinking (we have cleaned out so many fifths) and he has a fifth of gin and a fifth of Tequila in his freezer right now. But, at least it is now in his own freezer and he is no longer turning our home into a sideshow with his behavior.
No more 3 am fights that turn physical, no more listening to him smashing the walls and furniture downstairs, no more listening to him wailing at the top of his lungs about his “shit life”, no more of his chasing the other kids out of “his space” (which is our family room), no more worrying about the house burning down (he smokes pot as well), no more listening to his lies, no more putting up with his interference with the younger boys and his poor influence in the house.
He signed a year lease and we helped him set up – gave him some stuff etc. We are now done. He gets no more. He has taken far more than his share and I can now concentrate on the others. He works long hours at his job and he hates every minute of it. He goes to work hung over every day and he may not last. But, there is a glimmer of hope that he will learn what it takes to live in this world after all. The last time we tried – he tried to hang himself. I try not to think about that and I know it could happen again.
But, it is time to reclaim our lives and to finally have some peace. He has taken so much from our family and from me especially. He is a manipulative, depressive person who has decided that alcohol is the way to handle his problems. Rehab didn’t work – but it did give him and us a “time-out” and we used that opportunity to make another plan and truly end this cycle. So, even though he is still getting drunk every night – some good came out of it. We now know we did everything we could and he is now an adult who needs to take responsiblity for his own decisions and actions. Hugs.
diane
Susan and others,
I keep you all in my prayers. I know how difficult it is seeing our loved ones deteriorating mentally and physically. I keep praying to God. They are His children before they are ours. He loves them and I pray He takes care of them and gives us all strength, wisdom and knowledge as we continue to live our lives.
Hugs to all of you, Connie
Upon reading several comments, it just reminded me of how hard it is to take these actions. It just is NOT easy. Anyone who has dealt with loving someone and worrying yourself sick about them, knows it.
Some days I would just find a slogan, prayer, something to help me get through it. “This too shall pass” was helpful alot. [also "Easy Does It" was good for me on days I was blaming myself, or someone else, or trying to force a solution] plus my own private prayers and scripture that was personal and helpful (and encouraging) to me. The main thing is to find what works for you. I have found for me I need that extra dose of spiritual encouraging words and I have learned that it is good and healthy to take care of your needs. I used to feel almost embarrassed that I needed this. Now I know that I have a right to a good life. I also have a right to remove myself from a constantly chaotic environment. It took me a long time to really believe and act on this, though.
I also found journaling sometimes saved my sanity. (this doesn’t work for everyone) Sometimes I could talk to people, but not always….those times I used journaling, reading uplifting and encouraging material really helped me to relax and quit (? maybe lessen is a better word than quit) my worrying and obssessing. Getting involved in activites that I enjoyed was important too. When I first started making these changes I was overwhelmed (mad, sad, etc) about how I let this one person and their daily soap opera become the center of my life.
Some days were worse than others, and bad news would always send me in a tailspin. But it has gotten better…so much better. I just applaud everyone for having the courage to move in a positive direction.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who is hurting.
Gracie
To Connie and Gracie,
Thanks and hugs to you as well. It helps to hear from everyone else here on how they cope and how they are staying strong.
Diane, Connie, Gracie, and many, many others: I so appreciate you sharing your stories, as it helps me realize I AM NOT ALONE.
Right now, my daughter is back living at home, and she is aware that this is her last chance. She is on some anti-depressant medication that she has need to resume for years. She has to come home every night, and find a job. She is to give us her paychecks, which we will put aside so she can have enough money to move out. As long as she is here, and required to come home every night, she will not be drinking. It is great for now, as she is happy and healthy and not drinking. She doesn’t yet have a job, so no money for alcohol, and she knows that if she doesn’t come home- even for one day- she is out.
I pray she stays on the medication as that seems to help, but I suspect that as soon as she is out of our home, she will go back to drinking. She has made that much clear. She refuses counseling or rehab.
The week before we allowed her back home, she was taken to the ER by the detox place as she as ‘unresponsive’ and sleeping in the park. The didn’t take her to detox as she was too far gone. I guess they don’t want people having cardiac or respiratory arrest while in detox, so if you are that far gone, they take you to the ER. My daughter has no insurance, so now has a $1500 bill for that visit.
She has that, along with many other bills and collection notices as she has quit every job she has ever had and ended up at those ‘Quick Cash’ places to get $$ for alcohol.
It is all so sad- she is pretty (so far), intelligent, and funny and happy when she is mentally stable, but going off the meds just leads to drinking daily, ending up in the park or at some new ‘friend’s’ place for days/weeks in an alcoholic stupor.
What a waste of life.
Thank everyone for sharing their stories. It is a solace to know that we are not alone. Sandy
My Daughter is not acting right again. I am so tired. Sometimes I feel and think the unthinkable, but I’m going to write it. It’s not all the time, but sometimes, I feel if my daugher would overdose, peace would finally come…for her and her children and our family and friends. Gone would be the worry, fear, stress and the roller coaster of emotions that we keep riding on. She would be at peace.
Sometimes I feel my daughter died several years ago and a demon inhabited her body and keeps toying with my emotions. Waiting until I am at my breaking point and then cruelly dangle glimpses of “the daughter I once knew” in front of me to tease me to continue this journey from hell.
I feel guilty when I have these thoughts. They are not thoughts a loving mother should have. They are not words I can say out loud, especially to people who do not understand the level of pain addiction has caused our family. I pray and confess my thoughts to God. I ask His forgiveness. He helps me most when I am at my weakest moments. Connie
Connie,
Please don’t beat yourself up over these thoughts. I live in that place. My son tried to commit suicide about a year ago. I was in shock because I didn’t think something like that could ever happen to us. He got so drunk and was taking prescription drugs at the time. My life has never been the same since. He was placed in a behavioral medicine ward of a local hospital and spent a week there. But, he came out and said it made him worse.
I was shook to my very core. But, sometimes, during this last year, I have had these terrible, creeping thoughts that maybe it would have been better had he succeeded because at least it would be over and we could move on. He spent the next 9 months threatening me multiple times a day that he was going to do it again. I had nightmares every night about it. My younger kids were afraid to check on him in his room (where he would sleep to 5 pm and not respond when we knocked) because they were terrified to find him dead.
My husband’s older brother committed suicide at 20 and it was just devastating to their family. This child of mine is so like his uncle – he is an alcoholic with an addictive personality. He also has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. He has an extremely high IQ and over time, has chased away almost all of his friends. He is very good-looking but considers himself ugly. He tells us over and over that he does not want to live.
I have actually visualized his funeral in my mind. I am struggling so hard so I can cope if the time comes and some days I am convinced it’s just when. I have three other children and a husband and I don’t want to let him take me with him. After my husband’s brother died, his mother became a terrible alcoholic and she died 10 miserable (for everybody) years to the day he did.
He also sometimes has glimmers of his old self. He moved out recently, but now I am tortured because the last time he did, he attempted. He lives close to us, and one day seems fine, the next very depressed. He is still drinking, going to the bar every night – but he refuses any kind of help or medication.
I know what you mean about feeling like a horrible mother/person. But, I think we are just trying to prepare ourselves for what could happen so they don’t take us down with them. The most helpful thing anyone told me thus far was to separate the memories I have of him as the child he was from the the adult he has become. He is not the same. His life choices and dispositions have killed that bright, eager beautiful child I raised and this addict, a shell of a person really, is what has taken his place.
I have hope now for him. He has a good job that I pray he can retain and he says he is looking for an even better one. He signed a year lease and I am hoping he finally engages in his own life and finds a reason to live. We will continue to support him in a way that is appropriate for parents to an adult child. He lives close to us so we can try to keep tabs on him in some way.
I know what you mean by what you said but I think only someone who has lived this could possibly understand. We get extended family who are full of advice and always butting in about how we have to “do something” and “whatever it takes.” They just don’t understand how much we have already done, risked and suffered and the pain it has taken to get to this point.
You and I are terrified, exhausted, heartbroken, and becoming resigned. It is a self-preservation mechanism and we crave peace in our lives and in our minds and hearts. If something happens, at least we would know where they are and that they are not cold, hungry, tired and hurting anymore. That’s the point and it’s a fine line on the edge of a cliff that we walk every waking moment.
Hugs to you and I hope we have better days ahead.
diane
Thank you Diane. I know people on this site understand each other. This is something you must live through to fully understand. That is why I appreciate everyone who posts and share their intimate details of their pain.
I hope your son will continue to do well. I will keep everyone in my prayers. God Bless
Connie, Dianne, Sandy & others,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. These are some difficult moments to go through. I have another family member who is going through this with an adult child and I try to share my experience with them. There are many similarities, but the main one is we love someone who is self-destructing and we can’t change that.
Lately I’ve been reading a book about how to get this train wreck (me…lol) back on track…..well, basically that’s what the book is about. Its really helpful, but its written for parents with adult children. I just change it to fit my circumstances, but the principles are the same. I love it, cause one thing is says is….”Don’t be quick to blame yourself, even if you spoiled this person. You have the right to make mistakes and your not a parental failure if you made some mistakes.
You have the right to make mistakes the same as everybody else. Behavior is learned! Your child (or anybody else) can learn to develop self-control in his or her life as well as avoid it. Most of the happy, productive people we know today are that way because they worked at it. They overcame. “….
I am hanging onto this because it gives me hope when I continue to get really bad news. This week has been hard. My oldest sister and I are trying to stick together on this, but it is hard. My mom is really in bad shape, however, nothing is really new about that. What is better is ME. She has a choice, even now. That is true and it will always be true, even though she blames her problems on everyone…it doesn’t change the fact that her problems are of her own making….no one has done this to her, she did the whole thing to herself.
For me, I am doing my life and actually things are going good. My hubby had back surgery and everything went very well and he is doing good. You know, life goes on and even though addicted people think they are the center of the universe, they aren’t. I am still having to teach myself that my life can be good, even if her life is lousy (she thinks). That nagging guilt is a little better, but still lingers sometimes.
thanks for listening,
Gracie
I am a stepmom responding to what Ed said that I should stay out of the family problems. I know I am a step-parent and that my addicted stepson did not choose me to be in his life. I helped care and raise him since he was 10 yrs old. I feel like I have a say in what goes on in our family and that involves my husband’s son. Why do you say to stay out of it? I have been involved in my step-son’s life for over 13 yrs. Why shouldn’t I have an opinion, because at this pt I am the only one that is NOT in DENIAL that this kid has a problem. Every family member thinks that this kid does not have a problem. You tell me that an adult of 23 yrs of age that has been arrested 5 times in 4 yrs all drug related. Has no job, no home, no money, no motivation, no skills. He claims he is always THE VICTIM. He always makes bad decisions and is selfish and does not even see what he is putting the family through. The addicted step-son thinks that smoking pot and taking RX drugs is OK. His friends are all losers and probably do drugs also. He parties all night and sleeps all day. He seems to find money for partying and drugs and cigarettes. He currently stays with his grandparents because we keep too close an eye on him and he wants to be closer to his “friends”. It seems that each time he gets into trouble with the law, he is with his loser friends. We are just waiting for another phone call, that he has been arrested AGAIN!!!!
Tonight I met with friends, planning a weekend away, after working all week and planning this time away I felt very happy. Then, an hour after getting home, my son calls, from jail, telling me he needs me in court tomorrow morning. He’s been arrested, and of course, it’s not his fault.
Should I leave him in jail? This isn’t the first time this year. I helped him in March.
I know this isn’t a good bio for all that has happened in the past, but he’s 37 and he should be working, in a home of his own and not calling me from jail.
Thanks for listening.
Why would you want to rescue him from the consequences of his choices? An if you do, why would you expect him to make different choices in the future?
No, you can’t make him change his choices, but you don’t have to validate the ones he’s making either.
Lou,
I didn’t have to deal with jail in my situation but I can tell you that the only time I have seen progress with my son is when I stopped stepping in and helping him out of his bad choices and decisions and started treating him in an age-appropriate way.
We ended up telling him he had to move out and he couldn’t come back to live here – now he has a steady job and he has signed a years lease (so he can’t just quit because he doesn’t like working). He has plans to finish his degree and he seems much better all around.
I suspect he is still drinking every night but I stopped worrying about it because I can’t change his behavior, only mine. If he is, he will live with the consequences or he will have to figure out how to drink and do what else he has to do. I don’t like it – but I won’t have to watch it and let it eat away at me any longer.
At 37, I would say that your son has to live up to his responsiblilites and consequences as an adult. You can try to support him in ways that are age-appropriate for a father to a grown son. If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to afford all the legal bills that something like this would cause anyway. Maybe you could bring him court clothes and show up for his court appearances. But, it’s not up to you to rescue him from this situation. Maybe if he knows he won’t be rescued – he will stop making these self-destructive choices. I hope so.
I know this is hard. We walk on the edge every day – but you need to be freed of this by the time your child is approaching middle age -that’s for sure!
hugs,
diane
Lou- I understand your pain and indecision- however, if you keep rescuing your son, he will keep expecting this. My daughter only began to move in a (mostly) positive direction when she came to realize that we will NOT rescue her again. She is an adult, and her life is her own and is the result of the sum of her choices. We will not bail her out financially, or bail her out of jail. We do not give her money. At present, she is living with us, but she knows that this is it. If she becomes unemployed again, or if she gives us any reason to believe she is drinking again, she will need to move to a shelter. We are finished with the rescuing, and we are at peace with that decision. All the fixing, rescuing, etc did nothing but caused her behavior to continue and to escalate.
Of course, it is your decision whether or not to rescue your son again. Once you take control of your own life and make your son take charge of his own life and be accountable for his decisions and choices, things may improve.
In life, there are no guarantees- but continuing on the same path of rescuing will likely mean he will continue to be helpless and expect to be rescued.
Sandy
These are all excellent points, Sandy, and I would only add that the son isn’t helpless – but merely playing at being helpless because it’s how he’s avoiding growing up. We work with many clients in their 20s and early 30s and their families and the issue is always the same one – “I shouldn’t have to grow up”.
There are several excellent programs (and hundreds of dreadful ones) in the U.S. that can help. At least 3 are reasonably affordable. But the key remains – as long as you rescue them, why would they choose to grow up?
Ed
Hey, Lou –
You have gotten plenty of good advice – I went to court to support my son this morning!! There is no bail but I wouldn’t pay it if there were. I felt sick on my stomach after leaving the courtroom. The court process is going to be a slow and long one. I expected it but still have so many emotions.
This is such a tough situation. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and let us know what you decide and how it goes.
my 32 year old daughter is in jail for the third time, its an example of the level of disfunction in her life. She is an addict, and has been for the last 8 years, its been a long walk in hell. Of course nothing I do has helped, I have had custody of my 13 year old grandaughter, her loyalty to her mother is unbelievable,after a year I let her return to an unsafe and totally inappropriate household, she kept emotionally fighting me to return to her mother, it was a no win situation.
In the last 10 years I have experienced suicide (of my grandaughters biological father, yes drugs involved) I experienced fraud of a large sum of money, and eight years of addiction from my only child, an adult child. My confidence in myself is shattered, I feel isolated and alone. Thank God for this website. Amen
Maree,
I think it’s wonderful that you took custody of your grandaughter, you tried to do the right thing for her. At least now, she will know that she can turn to you if she needs someone. It’s not your fault that she was so loyal to her mother – addicts can be so manipulative and so charming. Your grandaughter is probably caught up in taking care of her mother. When she is a little older she may come back to you.
I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. You have to let go of the idea that there is something you can do about it. Your daughter, at 32,knows that her life is a mess. She also knows what is causing it. All you can do is be there if she ever comes to the realization that she has to change. She has to decide this for herself. The more we struggle and step in, the worse it gets.
I hope that things get better for you. Don’t lose confidence in yourself, you are not the addict, you are not dysfunctional, you are not the one going in and out of jail. This is so hard – these are our children. We can stop them from making self-destructive choices when they are young but we quickly lose that leverage – and all we can do is hope and wait for them to truly grow up and take responsibility for their own actions and choices.
hugs,
diane
Thank you so much for you support Diane, I feel like at least there is one person in the world that has heard me, thank you. My daughters lifestyle is only the centre of the tangled web, it also inpacts on my physical health, high blood pressure, I can no longer cope with stress in the workplace, I am a nurse, unfortunately the two go hand in hand, I am considering down grading to do anything that gives me peace, obviously that will impact on income but that has been pretty shattered in the last 8 years anyway. Do other parents find that their lives become shadows of what they once were, or is it just my circumstances.
Hi Maree. You’ve got plenty of company, not to worry. My husband just turned 60 and I am close behind. We have been emotionally and financially drained by our 28 year old addict daughter as well. I swear she would take our last dime and drive over us on her way out to get a fix and not look back. As you mentioned, eventually our children’s behavior causes us to be physically ill from the stress of the day to day BS they subject us to. There are no children involved in our situation, and I am thankful for that. It must be terrible to have to worry 24 hours a day not only about your daughter, but your granddaughter as well. We own a business with our daughter, a joint venture entered into during a time when she was in recovery. What was her dream has become our nightmare, and makes it very difficult for us to cut off all contact with her. Since she has abandoned the business leaving us holding the bag, we cannot even take a vacation. Our lives are a mess!
Susan, what is this universal joke we are caught up in, through no intentional choice of our own, there must be something wonderful waiting for us somewhere somehow. Recovery is a scary place it seems, yes there has been small windows of clarity and self recovery for my daughter, however the fall from grace is cruel and has left me gasping for breath and sitting on the toliet for the day. Yes the long term stress certainly crucifies. You have given your daughter complete faith and love in following her dream, and what parent whos child is in recovery wouldnt, to return to a sane life and have our children back, the way they were before the drugs twisted their personalities we would give away all possessions, and we virtually do. Thank you for writting to me, I feel strength and support, the best gift.
I’ve had such a rough day today. My almost 24 year old son, is a long and complicated story, that I have told on here. I have mentioned that we put our foot down, supported him while he was in a treatment center for alcoholism, and then let him move back in to get his life together.
Well, that didn’t work because he started drinking again the first day back and he became impossible for us to live with. The screaming, property destruction, refusing to work or contribute anything to the household, bullying the younger kids etc. We kicked him out of the house and thought that he had secured himself a decent job. He signed a year’s lease and we did some survellience and he was working. He even had printed business cards.
Now, it seems he either quit that job or got fired. He told us he just switched jobs and was making about the same money in his new job. We found out today that this is just another of his “fake” jobs – he has had so many. He has been saying strange things on his facebook and not answering his phone. We went to his apartment and buzzed and buzzed and even though his car was there he didn’t answer.
We feared the worst and used a key (he didn’t know we had an extra) and his father and I went in. He was in the apartment and it was a terrible scene. He has completely trashed it in less than a month. He obviously has been kicking his tv, stereo equipment and computer which were in pieces on the ground. There were clothes, bottles and trash everywhere. He never opens the blinds just sits there in the dark. It was horrifying but this is what he was doing in our house when he lived there.
He was so furious that we had a key and let ourselves in. He was screaming at us and irrational (I’m surprised that nobody called the cops – walls are thin). He told us he is living off his “investments” and he cut back his hours to part time. All lies and we know it. He looked a mess. I tried to calmly talk to him – tell him how afraid we were for him. He told us it is his life to live or die and we needed to leave him alone to do it. My husbands brother committed suicide at 20 and this one has already tried once.
I realized that he is right. It is his life. We have done all we can. I can’t keep trying to keep him alive as it is taking everything from me and from the rest of my family. We really didn’t have a right to come into his apartment and if he had called the police (he threatened to) we would have been in the wrong.
I told him that I was done. If he wants further contact with us – he will have to initiate it. I won’t be calling him (usually he won’t answer) or texting or IM him to see if he is ok. I won’t be cold-calling him anymore just to be ignored and I certainly won’t be coming into his apartment without his consent. I won’t keep asking or wondering if he is ok because I iknow the answer – he isn’t and he won’t do anything about it. I told him he could come over when he wants and ask if he needs anything. He can come over to watch sports with us or his brothers and sister. He came in last night to our house and wouldn’t even talk to his sister – she said it was like he was looking right through her.
He won’t stop drinking. All rehab did for him was introduce him to drug dealers whom he has befriended. He won’t work. He won’t seek any kind of help. We won’t be part of it anymore. I am very sad today and have a social function to go to this evening. It’s the last thing I feel like doing but I will forge ahead. I want to live, I want to have a normal life, I want to look ahead. I want to enjoy my other kids. I am so tired and sick of all this.
Thanks for listening,
diane
Diane- I’m so sorry to hear this about your son. After I wrote my last post, my daughter also ‘fell off the wagon’ and has again been drinking. We had made a deal with our daughter that if he began drinking again, she would have to leave.
She called drunk one night after work, told us she would not be home, and would be back in a couple of days to get her things. She knew that this was the consequence.
When she came to get her things, we asked her plans. She said she had met a guy who lived in an apartment downtown (meaning sleeze low rent apartments for druggies/alcoholics in our town). He was ‘older’ and was going to ‘help’ her. She didn’t know his last name, just that he went by Dwight.
She didn’t know where he worked, or IF he worked. Our daughter kept saying she would have her own room and would not have to pay rent for awhile. Dwight was her friend.
Well, this was just too stupid- our daughter is 25, attractive, and seemed to fall for this guy Dwight’s line. To us, it sounded like he was some kind of drug dealer, pimp, or some other kind of perv.
My husband couldn’t take this, and to some extent, I couldn’t either. We told her she could come back, and my husband made the deal she could go out and do what she wanted once a week. Not my idea of a good deal, but I couldn’t say no. My husband was so devastated, and if something horrible happened to our daughter if she moved in with this guy, he would blame me. I probably would also.
So, we are back on the merry-go-round.
My daughter came home yesterday after he ‘day off’ where she can do what she wants. She came home drunk, smelling horrible- like old booze, and she slept all day.
She is working, and we are saving her paycheck so she can move out. I don’t see any solution to this nightmare at this point. She is making spending money giving plasma twice a week. We have tried to get her to stop this, but since she will only work part time- says she ‘can’t find’ full time work, she gets $$ from the plasma center downtown.
I am able to kind of compartmentalize her now, and not let thoughts of her sad life consume me. But— it is all such a waste.
Sandy
I like what you said Sandy, compartmentalize. That’s a good word and a very good philosophy. Otherwise this crap just takes over your whole life. We are left to sit and wonder what will happen to him when he maxes out his credit line and can’t pay it back or pay his rent and bills. That is coming.
My father has offered to pay for a family attorney to help us figure out what to do. We know other people who have adult kids on some sort of benefits because they are addicts and mentally ill. I know my son is mentally and emotionally ill. He has been in double depression for many years now and is borderline personality and perhaps bipolar. He simply can’t function in the world.
I hope things get better for you very soon – I am going to see what I can do – he is paid up til January on rent so I don’t have much time. I would rather see if Social Services works with this kind of thing – otherwise he will just be sitting on my doorstep in January.
diane
Just wondering if anyone saw the study that came out describing alcohol as the most dangerous drug. For those of us that have experienced the ravages of alcoholism this is hardly a surprise. I have watched so many just in our circle of family and friends that have struggled so hard with this demon and several that have lost their lives. My son is the latest casuality as he chooses this “socially acceptable” addiction as his primary drug of choice.
I always find it interesting when they are trying to analyze things of this nature – all the drugs are devastating and it just goes to show you that an addict is an addict whatever their preferred method of destruction may be. The article on this study can be found here.
Any thoughts from the experienced contributors here?
I am going through a situation with my older daughter (42) mother of five; she is out of control, blames me for every problem she ever had and I am afraid she will die of an overdose or acute alcohol poisoning. This article was of some comfort because it reinforced what friends have been saying: that she is choosing the behavior. I raised 4 children and thankfully the other 3 are non abusers; but my son has cancer and between the two issues and a distance of 3000 miles, I am riddled with anxiety and tension all the time, to say nothing of depression. Thanks for the opportunity to view this situation a different way.
So ironic, the last time I posted, I told of my son who had been clean from oxycodone use for 14 months. Around the time I posted that, he relapsed! I gradually realized what was going on, but he finally told me last week. He is currently at my house, detoxing. (I am an RN, but I don’t recommend home detox in most cases). Anyway, I always tried to be the voice of hope, now I feel fairly crushed. He still has his job, but it may be dependent upon his being able to work on Tuesday. He is on thin ice for poor performance (sales job). It is so difficult for the non-addicted person to understand how a person who is free of the physical part of dependency could even THINK of using again! He was depressed over a breakup. I know that many more depressing things are going to happen in his life, so now I wonder if he will ever be clean. I still stand by my belief that we should not help our loved ones be addicts, only help them do positive things. He was great during those clean months! I am pretty devastated right now. Hope my next post will be more positive.
Dawn- I so understand your pain. Since my last post my daughter has been taken to the ER for drinking and being found passed out in the park. After that, she went to rehab at our insistance- she left after 3 days. We took her to a place 300 miles away thinking she wouldn’t be able to call a friend to pick her up, but she ended up calling a cab from the rehab place and her first stop was the liquor store. Some lady (an angel) found her passed out in the bushes behind a Taco Bell, and took her home and called us to come and pick her up. We made that trip, brought her home, and she again left our home after a week and moved in with 2 guys she met ?? who would buy her vodka and cigarettes and let her stay at their place for free. Writing and reading this saga it sounds too incredible to be true, but it is. We are nice middle class people, married, no fighting or abuse or anything in our family, we weren’t overly strict or anything weird, so this is something we just can’t fathom. Our daughter is 25- never held a job more than a couple of weeks, went to college and dropped out on two different occasions due to alcohol and not making to class, she is attractive, intelligent, etc etc etc. So much potential just going to waste. Last night, a dear friend of hers again talked her into ‘coming back home’ to get her life straightened out. So…… she is here again, asleep and no doubt hungover. She will have alcohol withdrawal as she has been drinking a fifth of vodka a day. It is tragic that these young people are throwing away so much. They have to be in pain, but how to save them if they don’t want to be saved? I just hope my next post is not worse. I keep thinking things can’t get worse, that she will have hit bottom, but her lows just keep getting lower.
I think my daughter may be suicidal at this point as she believes things are so awful she has too far to climb out. We offer love, rehab, medical help, counseling, etc but so far she refuses. I think if we fear she will harm herself, we can get her admitted to a locked in hospital situation, but that is only for 48-72 hours, and we would have to get her there. It is a sad roller coaster. I am going to go to counseling myself to try and at least save my husband and myself from being sucked under also.
The really hard part of these stories is that these children are making choices. They aren’t diseased, or powerless, or dumb, just making awful choices which, to them, seem preferable to growing up. That is, after all, the alternative.
Happily there is one program in the country which has excellent success rates with young adults. That is the Jude Thaddeus program in up-state N.Y. (www.soberforever.com) and we regularly refer parents to them.
They also have an excellent home based program which allows you to understand what’s going on and how you can at least save yourself.
Dr. Ed Wilson
Thanks, Sandy. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My mother was like your daughter: beautiful, intelligent, accomplished, and alcoholic. I hate so much to see this play out again with my son. He is now finishing his third day of detox, and feels much better. I have to go to work tomorrow, so we will see. He has to go to work Tuesday. His dealer has already been calling him, lowering his prices, etc. How can I help him avoid temptation? I just wish scientists could figure out what turns “on” and “off” the addiction part of the brain.
Hi, to everyone
I have been looking for a long time for this kind of site. People whom i can relate to. I have felt so alone. I have adult children who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. My daughter, who is 34 and a half is in jail now and has been since june 21 of this year. She has been sentenced to 10 years, of which she has to do 5 inside and 5 probation. She pulled out in front of abunch of motorcycles in spring of 2009 and killed a woman. She had been a functioning alcoholic and then got addicted to pills. I now know where she is and that she is not going to overdose. Thats not my only problem. I have a son who is 26. He works hard everyday. He is a waterman. He drinks daily. Smokes pot. He lives in a mobile home his step dad and i fixed up for him on our land but away from us. He has lived there for over six years. He is destructive when he drinks. Blacks out and does not remember things. I have been living a nightmare. I have gotten so many phone calls in the middle of the night because of fights during a party at his house. He calls and is screaming, crying, crazy. It is heartwrenching, and scary. It is worse on weekends. Thats when there are more parties. I had to resort to unplugging my phones so i could stop my heart from racing. I have been doing this for about 2 and a half years on friday and saturday nights. Now i have to do it on sundays. Cause sunday is a drinking day for the people he hangs with. It has even creeped into the week. I am so startled by the ring of a phone. My heart seems to never stop racing. I feel there is no end in sight. I have enabled him. He makes good money and blows it all. I am so tired of all the worry. It is causing great problems with my life. My marriage. I have depleated our savings doing just that, trying to save them. He had a wonderful girlfriend one time who after two years had to walk away. The drunken rages got to be more than she could take. Ihave wished i had the ability to walk away… But how do you walk out of your childs life? His dad is a drunk as well. 55, and lives with his 88 year old mother. He buys food. thats it. So my son has NO support system except me. He is my heart. But my heart is broken. I am down in the dumps, would rather be alone with myself. It has taken a toll on my marriage. Sometimes i just want to walk away from them all. But i have no financial means to do that. And i am not working. I suffer from migrains. I just feel like i am sinking and there is no way out. I don’t want to go on like this. I am missing out on my own life and making myself sick. But, i am glad i stumbled upon this site this morning. People to share with. Thankyou..
Unhappily, it isn’t the “addiction part of the brain” that needs turned off … it’s the myth that these people aren’t making choices, choices whose short term rewards they have decided to substitute for those of the long term. They have chosen, and continue to choose, self-medication over getting a life and living a life.
But don’t be mislead by all of the propaganda out there that passes for help – and don’t excuse or accept behaviors based on false ideas like “powerlessness” and “diseases”, both have been debunked repeatedly over the last 40 years but both keep coming back, pushed by those who will do anuything to prevent people from recovering.
You adult children can recover – but they have to want to, and they have to be willing to put in the effort it takes to actually create a life. You can help them best by not helping with anything other than acknowledging actual measurable progress.
Diana,
I feel your pain! We just want responsible adult children! I stuggle a lot due to my daughter having a 4 yr old. It’s hard not to enable my daughter while making sure my grand-daughter is ok. I buy all my grand-daughters clothes and toys. I want her to have as normal of life as possible. I won’t allow her to go to preschool without clean, proper clothes. If my daughter didn’t have children, I think it would be so much easier. I also have my grand-daughter as much as possible. I don’t give my daughter any money and I don’t pay her bills. If utilities get cut off – they stay off until she figures out a way to pay the bill. I don’t give her any money. She seems to be drug/alcohol free. She is constantly tested by the probation officer. But I think now it is depression and her brain is not the same. She still needs to make choices. She could get a different Dr. or take better care of herself (she has type 1 diabetes). Whatever the reason – she is not making good choices – and it is CHOICES!
We all have to make choices. I get depressed, pissed off, upset, angry, sick, tired, etc… but I choose how to deal with these emotions. EVERYONE makes choices – Sadly most addicts don’t make the RIGHT choices. As long as you keep making it possible for him to continue his lifestyle- he probably won’t change.
I know it’s hard. I have to work hard everyday to detach myself from my daughter. I hope one day she can be happy again but it is her decision. I know if I choose to make life easier for her, it will help her not to become responsible. If there is a day in the future that she does something against probation – I would turn her in immediately. If she would ever cause a disruption around me or at my house- I would have her arrested. if she called and harrased me- I would press charges.
You deserve a life – Put his choices back on HIS plate. You should fill your plate with enjoyable fun things :) and start enjoying life:)
Diana,
One more thing…you are not his support system. You are just someone he uses. A support person is someone who is there to support good choices and encourage them when they are progressing. You can let him know you love him and are a support person when he makes the right choices. You are not leaving him…you are just not going to enable bad choices.
If you want him to be strong and make better choices – YOU must set a good example by making better choices yourself, by not enableing him.
I’m not saying it’s easy – I have stumbled a few times myself, but I get right back on track. I have support people who help ME make better choices when it comes to her.
My daughter knows I will have her arrested if she makes a wrong choice – but she also knows I love her and support her when she makes right choices.
I will keep you in my prayers!! God Bless.
I know everyone’s pain as well. We have an adult son with a drug problem. He has been arrested and is now off of his 2 years no more legal problems. He has went to outpatient rehab daily and as a family we went on family day. We had an intervention and it went surprisingly well. he went no problem and was gone for 7 months. now he had issues in treatment but he did well. Then he came home and was fine for a while but soon went back to sneaking and smoking and using occasionally. we did drug test him randomly. We asked him to sign his self in for help and he didn’t want to do this until after new years eve. if he was telling the truth he would go now and not have to wait. we kicked him out and it is very hard. it has only been 24 hours. he has called and texted us several times. he has no car and is now needing rides from “friends”. Hopefully no home, food, car, money, job will wake him up to get the help he needs. I believe after witnessing this that the craving is there and the seeking for this is an illness or disease. it does change the way the brain works. i am very sad and scared. i would not wish this on my worst enemy. we have 2 other children who are great. he compares hisself to them. we dont do this he does and we tell him to stop doing that. i think he is jealous because they have boyfriends or girlfriends and a job and a home. he wants a girlfriend so bad. we tell him to fix himself then he can get a job and he will find a girlfriend later. not to rush into things. all of our children were rasied the same so who knows why one person becomes an addict and the others dont. our children were involved in sports we as parents are involved with them. we gave them love and support. i had 3 kids within a year and 3 days. Twins in case your trying to figure this out my oldest was 1 year and i had twins. my son with the problems is a twin. it hurts his sister deeply. well thanks for letting me vent.
This site has saved me today! Our 22 year old is an addict and has been verbally abusing me and our lives for over 2 years. On any given day I will receive texts that I do nothing for his life, I suck at being a mother, I never should have had him, he needs us to pay for his truck to get back on the road and lawyers fees for a hit and run (I am sure he was high or going to get high), etc. He will say “you will be sorry if you don’t help me..you will see how depressed I was and you will have to live with it, I will kill myself, etc”
We have tried and he has been in detox, outpatient rehab (dropped out after 3 days) and I even called police to meet me at the house when he threatened to hang himself because I was going to shut cell off for badgering me while I was at work. I begged them to keep him for 5 days (which they did) I don’t know what else to do except to save ourselves. I don’t want him living with us any more. I cannot watch this go on. He ruins every holiday, every birthday, every cookout, every event. I am just soooo done with all of this. Thank you for making me know I am not alone!
Lori- I so understand your pain and your being fed up with your son’s abuse of himself and of your family. My daughter is 25, and has moved out, back in, our again, back in, etc etc. A few weeks ago, she left again, and we are hoping that it is for good. We keep giving her an opportunity to ‘get things together’ and to live with us until she is on her feet again, but that never happens. She moves back to take a shower, do her laundry, eat, watch cable TV, and get somewhat healthy. After a week or 10 days, she decides to leave again. She always says it is just ‘for a night out’, but then she is gone for days/weeks and we don’t know where she is or who she is staying with. She is a severe alcoholic, and drinks to the point of passing out, she is then found somewhere unconscious, taken to detox or taken by ambulance to the emergency room, etc etc. She has thousands in unpaid medical bills for ambulance, ER, etc as people find her passed out and call 911. It is a seemingly never ending cycle. Meanwhile we worry, stress, feel guilty, put up with her free-loading on us, etc. On the other hand, we see her potential, want to save her from ruining her health, dying, being molested or murdered when she is found on the streets……. It is horrible. She has no job, I do not know how she gets money as we do not give her any. I know she donates plasma for money 2x a week. Not sure what else she does. We don’t ask anymore.
So- you are not alone. Sounds like your son knows how to push your buttons- He is old enough to be on his own, and should be. Maybe time to tell him he needs to get his own place- he is an adult. No longer your responsibility to pay for his sell or his vehicle or anything else for that matter. Time to step back and realize he is making his own choices and as hard as it is to watch, it is time for him to deal with the consequences of his poor decision making.
The tough love thing is tough for the kids and the parents. Heartbreaking to watch- but we are able (after years of living with our daughters poor decision making) to live our lives separate from her. It is a relief. Finally.
Sandy….
Can you give me some ideas on how to remove them from the home? I really think that would be the best thing for us..and could possibly be for him. He will leave after a blow up and then just waltz back in when the time is right (usually when we have company over or are not home) and then he will charm his Dad and the cycle starts all over again. I know he is depressed and quite possibly he COULD really commit suicide..but aren’t they doing that each and every day slowly but surely any way?
Thank you for showing me I am not alone. These blogs help sooo much. He keeps calling himself “my child..you should do more for your child, you don’t help your child” well…I have said – you are not a child any more..you are an adult. You are responsible for yourself. He has worked approximately 10 weeks his entire life. I am sure drug dealing was his way of life and now I think he is completely out of resources (besides selling Suboxone that I pay for) I just don’t know. My husband and I often say that work is a relief just to get out of there (but then again I get the texts all day long – not my husband..he knows better with him)
I read last night that a rehab counselor once told a parent that not following through with your threats/promises to these addicts (like I will shut off phone, pull section 35, you will need to leave, you cannot use car anymore, etc…I have done it all!) is the #1 reason for readmittance/relapses in this age group – that was sooooo enlightening for me!
Thank you for posting!!!!!
Removing an adult child from you home is no different than removing anyone – you call the police and have them removed and, if necessary, you get a restraining order.
And the counselor you mentioned is correct – the biggest problem in effecting change is that parents, spouses, children, etc., don’t follow through while also rewarding the self-destructive behavior choices with free housing, food, cars, and cover. Why would anyone change their behaviors when they are being rewarded for them?
Remember! You child’s behaviors are choices! Not some mythical disease!
Thank you Ed! We definitely do provide free housing, food, cars and cover. In fact, just recently I was horrified at the requests coming to me for SPECIFIC food in the house..including Mike and Ikes and Sour Patch Kids- Sure…let me get the food you crave when consuming opiates!!! That was a huge eye opener as well…this is INSANITY! You are correct..the behavior was a choice…and now he is trying to put blame and responsibility on US! Just today, texts he hates me and needs to get to the doctor and its MY fault he has been sick without subs for 4 days. The abuse is endless. Will the police remove him without cause? Can we have it done from the proof of the abuse via text alone? Will this be sufficient?
He is trespassing and you have asked him to leave. When he doesn’t, call the police and ask that he be removed. They will ask him to go, if he refuses they will remove him IF you agree to press charges. DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES!
Hi Lori- Ed, as always, has great insight.
I am not expert, however, in our case- we gave our daughter a date- like ‘the end of the month’, or ‘in two weeks’, and STUCK WITH IT as far as providing money, support, transportation, cell phone, a place to live, other ‘help’, etc. That was years ago. She still has issues and her problems are not solved, however, now her issues are not (mostly) our issues. Her choices put her in the situation she is in, and there is nothing on this earth we can do to make her change or help her change until she makes the choice to help herself and quit drinking. Right now, she has made it clear to us she does not want to quit. So, her life is what it is.
I would say tell your son that you will not have your phone on at work, and stick to it. You can tell when he is texting or phoning you by the caller ID, so if you want to leave your phone on, just don’t look at or respond to him while you are at work- or anywhere else where you don’t want to be bothered. His ‘emergency’ is not necessarily your emergency. His need for money, to tell you off, or to nag you is not anything that needs to be handled while you are at work. Let him know that while you are at work, with friends, or whatever— is time that you will not be accepting communication from him. Let him know ahead of time, and STICK WITH IT!!!! Don’t let his behavior and choices drag you down and have such a negative effect on your life. Right now where he is, giving him money isn’t helping him become independent.
Just my thoughts on all this mess we find ourselves in.
I have been reading all the posts today and I can relatye to them all.My son is 29 and he is an alcoholic and a drug abuser.He is in denial when it comes to his drinking and blames me with everything that is wrong with his life.I am the one who needs help he says because I “project” my inadaquacies in my life on to him.He has been abusing alcohol and drugs since he was 17.He moved out at 18 but has never been able to support himself for more than a year at a time because of his choices.He cannot hold down a job.He has been back at home now since June of 2010.He lost his job and could not pay his rent and we allowed him to move bacj home.I wish that we had said no.My husband and I have asked him not to drink or do drugs in our home and we refuse to give him any money,but he still gets drunk.Last night was bad.I hate the fights and the cruel words that come from him.I hate hearing that we are the problem and that we don’t respect him when it’s the other way around.I am afraid of him,afraid that he will attack me when he is drunk.It’s awful to be arguing with a grown man in your kitchen at 6 a.m. in the morning because he is drunk,loud,and reeking of alcohol.His dad and I are supporting him right now..feeding and sheltering him and we get nothing in return.He has no job and no car.He has been arrested a half dozen times and convicted of one DUI.He lost his driver’s license because of his arrests and has to get a ride everywhere.We refuse to take him to the store to buy alcohol,so he rides his bike.He keeps telling us that we are trying to supress his creativity and we have no idea where he is “coming from”.My husband and I both feel that he needs to be in some type of rehab,but he feels that he does not have a problem.He is in denial.This young man is so smart and gifted,but he chooses to throw it all away on alcohol.He was fired from the last part-time job he had because he went to work drunk.He is truly pathetic when he is drinking.
we have a 31 year old daughter who is very responsible with her life.She is married and works full-time and she and her husband are raising a beautiful little boy.She keeps telling me that we are enabling him and we need to kick him out.I don’t know what to do,but my home is not a haven of peace anymore.Sometimes I wish he would go away and not even tell me where he is.Right now,I don’t think I would miss him.I feel so bad about thinking such thoughts,but I’m so disappointed in him.He hurts me so much.
Myra,
your situation is really tough and my heart goes out to you. I had to make some changes in my behavior before things in my situation started to get better. It was so hard to do, but things are so much better today.
You do not have to live like this….you and your husband have the right to a good life. however, in my situation I kept waiting for the alcoholic/addict to change and that was NEVER,EVER going to happen. It wasn’t pretty, but looking back I thank the Lord I just went for it and took the steps to change the situation. If I hadn’t I would still be stuck in that pit I was in with no way out. Its really hard to do, but you will be so glad you did.
take care,
Gracie
Gracie, I have arrived at the same place as you, understanding that it is only my behaviour that can be changed, none of us are perfect, even if we are totally sober and drug free we all have our faults. I had a huge break through with my daughter who is a I.V. addict this christmas, I wrote her a long letter and acknowledged the weaknesses in my parenting skills, I acknowledged how I was so hurt when she was sexually abused as a child I didnt know how to help her with her pain (her alcoholic father did this to her)I gave her the letter as well as sat with her and told her what I had written. I endeavour to stay as nuetral as possible with any dysfunctional behaviours. Yes things have settled down alot over the 8 years this has been happening, there is still alot of emotional work that needs to be done ongoing.
I didnt finish my blog but must of clicked something I shouldnt of. In essence we can only change our behaviour and although I have known this all along, its a biggie to crack, finding a way to initiate this is difficult and takes heaps of courage, the recent contact has brought my daughter and I closer than we have ever been since she has been a child. I am grateful that she has some ability to meet me on this level. I think our addict adult children offer us the chance to look at our own behaviour and reactions. I did some therapy called “Family Constellation” last year and in a nutshell I came to “What if today is my last conversation with her, my last phone call, the last christmas” cos O.D. is always a possibility. Now I honnor and respect what connection I have. I have also moved on with my life and am nuturing and honnoring myself, gives us both room to grow. My heart goes out to those who are living in the eye of the storm, I was in that place for 8 years, I know 1st hand what choas emotionally and financially it causes, things are slowly changing, Amen
Hi Everyone, I am finally reading what I know and believe to be true…some validation at last. I send my deepest best wishes to all of you that are suffering. My son is now 43, he has been a drug addict since he was 25. He started off as a heroin addict, at 30 he flipped his car 3times and was flight lifted to the hospital with a 20% chance of survival. He returned to drug use brewing up “cocktails” with his pain scripts and illegal drugs. After 7 more years he was back to full time heroin use and living in a storage shed. I stepped in at that point and he and his girlfriend came to my home…big mistake. Long story short, I got rid of the girlfriend when he was in jail, but he met another in “treatment court” who got pregnant, delivered a drug addicted child who wound up in my care. I have cared for the child as a mother, fighting both my son and the “egg donor” for 3.5years. No one will help me continue to protect the child from her fathers drug use, or help me get legal custody of her. I am growing older and am so afraid for the child…and so alone. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It is a comfort. Bless You all
You have all given me hope. From reading all the messages on this blog, I came to the conclusion that I am enabling my 23 year old son and have been for a long, long time. My son’s father committed suicide when he was 4 years old. I remarried a military man who I always thought was too hard on my “poor little boy” who had been through so much. Granted, my husband was pretty hard on my emotional little boy, but my intervention just started the whole ball rolling. And let me tell you what, my son figured out just how to use me to get what he wanted. As he got older it got worse.
My son is my only family and the fear of losing him scares me into allowing him to emotionally blackmail me. I keep hearing myself make excuse after excuse for his behavior. He always chooses his friends and his pot over us.
He has been in and out of jail since he was 16. Each time I convince my husband that we should bring him home in hopes that all will be well, and it is for a little while. Then he turns to smoking pot again which in turn leads to other things as well. He has lied to us, cheated us, stolen from us, and emotionally drained us. He has driven a wedge between my husband and I.
This last time, january of last year, he took my car while my husband and I were out of town. He went to make a drug deal. He got caught. My husband started his “wish he would just die or go to jail” rant and I cried. After his arrest, we did not talk to him for months. He lived far away from us which made it easier. He seemed to be getting his act together and asked if he could come home as part of his pre-trial agreement. He had been doing very well. But broke our trust when he took the car without permission and put it into a snow bank.
I was all ready to make excuses, keep the truth from my husband, and cover up for my son to avoid the inevitable. Then I searched for some good advice. Though I fear loosing my son, and fear he will do something stupid like his father did, I faced the fact that I have to save myself. This blog gave me the courage to act. I know I AM A GOOD PARENT, HE IS THE ONE MAKING THE CHOICES, and kicking him out of the house does not mean I do not love him.
I calmly packed his things. I took them over to his friends house. I calmly told him that he had broken our trust for the last time. He tried emotional blackmail, pushing every button that has always worked in the past. I held my ground and kept repeating “I am a good parent” “I do love you” “you have made the decisions that have put you in this situation” and “this is my decision”. I felt like an addict who took the first step into sobriety. I know it will not be easy. He tried texting me and I responded the same way I responded when he emotionally attacked me.
Thanks for the advice.
It’s always easier to give advice than to act on it – but acting does free us as parents and frees our children, of whatever age, to grow up, or not.
As a father whose daughter has elected to “punish” me by cutting off contact these past dozen years, I can say that we survive these attemptd to manipulate and punish. Especially if we get good at taking care of ourselves and others.
So, again, turn your attention to where it can do some good and don’t try and change someone who isn’t apt to change until their manipulation no longer work.
To quote Lewis Thomas, M.D., “Sometimes the best we can do is to stand quietly in the corner wringing our hands.”
Though I suggest we can get out of that corner, stop watching our self-destructive child, and turn our attention elsewhere.
Maree, Judy, & Hydee,
My thoughts are with you all. Personally for me, I really have to stay positive about the situation. My mantra (especially on “blue” days) is , “I Can Do This”. Wow, can this be difficult to do, but when you kinda get backed ina corner, that’s the only option, as far as I’m concerned. I think that I was as addicted to saving my mom, as she was to her drug of choice. It was just one big ole sick situation, really.
I’m so glad that its better now than it used to be, however, always know that feelings follow action and it sure as heck doesn’t “feel” good when you first start. As I wrote previously, when I started to detach from the situation I really felt like those bad feelings would just swallow me up. Today, I stay away from that despairing, hopelessness….which really wasn’t the truth anyway. The truth is people make choices and they are always free to make different choices. If they don’t like the situation, they are free to change their choices in order to change their outcomes. Others choices don’t dictate my behavior. And my behavior is a reflection on me. Others behavior is a reflection on them.
Truthful statements like this have really helped me to get my sanity back over the situation.
Make sure that you are telling yourself the truth about your situation. For instance, I changed telling myself something was “awful” (or horrible, disgusting, etc) to “unfortunate” or “unpleasant”. It just doesn’t have the same emotional fallout. These are some of the things that worked for me. Also, journaling was and is important for me as well as talking with others whom I feel can understand and keep confidences.
Please know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Gracie
PS…Great comments as always, Dr. Wilson.
Thank you, Gracie, and for those of you struggling with the managing of your thoughts and emotions, please remember that our thoughts and actions create our emotions – not the other way around. We always refer clients to threeminutetherapy. com for a really good introduction to CBT written for people, not therapists (well, okay, we therapists are people too, sometimes, but I think you get the drift).
My son has resorted to telling everyone that his parents have given up on him. I am hoping he doesn’t actually believe this. And if he does actually think this it worries me. But I know I can’t give in.
These so-called “children” will continue to manipulate, abuse, and pressure parents until it no longer works. Then they may try something else – which is called growing up – but they never will as long as they don’t have to.
Rememebr the Biblical prodigal son? He cleaned up and then he came home. That’s the right order.
Just speaking for myself, the best day for me in a long time was the day I “gave up” on the situation. That is, I gave up this idea planted in my mind that Somehow, Someday I could find a way to fix another human being. I was totally obssessed with the idea and planned and plotted constantly how I was gonna “fix” her and all her problems. Money couldn’t fix it. Endless hours talking and trying to convince her how to change didn’t work. Giving in and letting her have her way on everything was a disaster. Nothing ever worked. It was an exhausting way to live.
It was and is still a very freeing concept, To turn it loose, To Let Go. But the thing is, its the only thing that will work. You cannot change another human being no matter who they are. No matter how close you are to them or how much you want it for them.
However, we all have to get there when we get there. The old saying applied to me…I didn’t change until I just got so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I still remember the day when I had just had it. That was 8 years ago. Words cannot describe how much better my life is today than back then. She also made threats to harm me and herself. Thankfully, none of that ever happened, but the point is, it could have happened and there is no guarantee when you start taking care of yourself that things will get better. In fact, for me things got a lot worse for a good while, before they got better.
Really, the only way that I got through it, was I was just determined to not quit. Somedays were ok, other days were a nightmare, but no matter the pressure I just didn’t quit.
I sometimes think maybe there could have been an easier way to deal with the situation, I don’t know. But I don’t think these situations can be dealt with in a “prettier” way. Drugs and alcoholism are just one ugly beast. So just have to take care of yourself and your family the best you can.
One thing I held onto that someone told me during all this, was, “It gets better”. This has proven to be so true for me. Once I started doing the right thing and making good decisions, I can say it has definitely gotten better.
Praying for you,
Gracie
Thanks for all the support. So far I stay strong and stick to my guns. Thanks for the prayers. I am working hard to “Let go let God” to coin a phrase. I will hold to the thought that “It gets better.” I know that I have no control over anyone else’s actions. I only have control over how I react to them.
Hydee
My son has been drinking and drugging since he was 15. Things really came to head when he was 19 and we found out he was using heroin. Since then we have tried 6 different treatment programs (2 out of state) and he has detoxed 10 times after relapsing. This past January he began drinking yet again. He got out of rehab the middle of December. WE detoxed him and said we had had enough and told him he could not come home. He is 21 now. He lived in his new recovery home for 2 months. He found a job and things were going well until he met new people at work and started partying with them. He left on a Friday night and turned up at our house on a Monday, after driving the car home drunk. We said we would take him back to detox but he would need to figure something else out because we needed to start focusing more of our time on our two other kids. I’m so worried that by not supplying him with a home is signing his death certificate. I try to keep reminding myself that when he is home he is always drunk, wetting the bed, puking, not working and basically doing nothing at all productive. I just need some words or encouragement that my husband and I made the right choice and should stand strong. Thanks
Iori, your story sounds so much like what we have gone thru with our 33 year old child. For 18 years we have endured rehab and jail times with the hope always that this time he has hit bottom. It has not happened, so thanks to this blog over the course of the last 2 months, I have finally realized that I can do nothing for my adult child except let go totally. We have supported him financially and emotionally with the hope that he would realize that life has so much more to offer, but he is “broken”. I hope you and your husband have the strength to say no to your adult child sooner than later as it definitely will effect your other children. Our other child endured years of me being distraught and sad over his big brother. Having your child become an addict is a heartbreak, and has taken its toll on our family.
Lori, my heart goes out to you for the huge effort and love you have put into helping your son make better choices in his life. As a veteran of this I encourage you to lessen with time this focus on your son and transfer this to yourself and the rest of the family. This does NOT mean you love him less. I would love to write a longer blog but I have had bone surgery re broken bones in right wrist.
Maree
Lori- I so agree with Ellen. You are doing the right thing in standing strong and not letting your ADULT child move back home- yet again. You have other children to consider, as well as the mental and physical health of you and your husband.
We are finally seeing that our daughter’s alcoholism is not worth sacrificing our life for. We have offered help- financial and emotional, we have taken her to rehab (she stayed only 4 days), and we have waited many nights and holidays for her to ‘come back’ to our family. She keeps choosing alcohol over her friends, many jobs, college opportunities, and a relationship with her brother and niece.
Currently, she is living with a 55 yr old disabled man (she is 25) who evidently allows her to not work, stay drunk, and live off of his disability check. It is heartbreaking.
We are regular middle class people who are educated, have always held jobs, and provided good, stable home life for our family. I don’t know what happened and why our daughter has chosen this path. I sometimes feel guilty that we have succeeded in moving forward with OUR lives- and not continued to try to rescue her. All I know is that we tried that for 7 years, and nothing worked. She continues to choose alcohol over all the good things life has to offer. She has been taken to the ER numerous times for alcohol poisoning, she has been found unconscious from alcohol on several occasions, she has been fired from countless jobs for not showing up, and has ruined several holidays by just not bothering to show up- too drunk or hungover. We have finally given up- we are here for her if she ever decides to take the offer to ‘sober up’, but so far she just says she likes to drink and she doesn’t want to quit. So be it.
We are sad, but no longer suffering and ruled by her addiction.
Lori, at the beginning of February, I told my 23 year old son that I could no longer support his addictions and he would have to get a grip. I threw him out of the house even though his father killed himself over drugs. I did not have any contact with him for over a month. Which almost drove me crazy. But, Life is full of choices. He made choices. I needed to start making choices for my own welfare. He reacted with emotional blackmail followed with some poor, poor, pitiful me. I just kept telling myself “I am a good mother, I do love my son, I love myself, and he has to choose life and sobriety.” I can not do it for him I hope he can do it for himself. It was definitely the right thing to do! I worried and was scared every day that I would get a phone call I could not handle. The bottom line is, he was going to choose to live or choose to not live and he was going do it in my home or out of my home. But, when he was in my home his choices were slowly destroying my life and tearing my family apart. He finally called 4 days ago and was ready to be civil. He did not try emotional blackmail. He told me he is getting it. He tells me that he is clean. I finally met him for dinner 2 days ago. He paid (WOW) and I could tell that he was clean (for now). He knows that I stand my ground. He has come to the conclusion that we will not save him, he has got to do it. But this kind of conviction has happened many times in the past. But, because he is out of the house it makes the yo-yo clearer. Be strong and choose to take care of you. Let him make choices.
I just came across this site today, and was reading all the comments, and felt like I was reading about mine and my sons lives.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like my next step will be planning and paying for his funeral. I understand that I can’t make him stop that he has to want to do it, but how do I protect myself his siblings, his daughter and the rest of the family from this heartache? I will lose my mind if I lose my son to this addiction.
What a blessing to have found this website. I have felt so alone, trying to cope with this family disease.
I had a twin brother who passed away 1 year ago on the 21st and I couldn’t help him with his drinking.
I watched the jperson I spent every moment of my life on earth die in front of me. We loved each other so very much and my heart has a hole from his death. 3 weeks after his death my 32 year old daughter tried to
kill herself because she is addicted to cocaine. This last year has been like living in a trance, not believing life can be so hard. She is divorced and has
2 beautiful daughters who are staying with me for now.
Their father is only a part time parent. My daughter is always in trouble with the law and has broken probation twice. I don’t know where she is now but do know there is a warrant out for her. We made her leave the first of the month after we found drugs in our home. We have tried several times to help her but
she wants to be her own person. No one is going to tell her what to do, and all the choices she makes are wrong. We have totally cut her off of money and we have her car which we purchased for her, one of many. She has gotten violent several times and stole
from us many times. We just can’t do it anymore. Her older sister and family have paid the price for our enabling her. Yet, they are beautiful in trying to be
there for us. My concern is for my grandaughters. How do you explain to a 8 and 11 year old about their Mother when you don’t understand yourself. I also have an older brother who is an alcoholic and has been sober for 25 years. I know there can be hope, but I also know there can no hope. Thank you so much for this website and I pray for all of us as parents and siblings and sons and daughters God will give us the strength and peace we all need.
I am wrting again to help myself stay strong. I had lost contact with my son for many months until last week when a call came from him wanting our help while he is incarcerated for cocaine possession. My heart has an open wound again, and I really do not want to help him, but I am an emotional wreck. Any advice out there?
I’m just a wreck about my son. My marriage is at stake because I’m the “enabler.” I hate what drugs & alcohol do to families. How do I summon the courage to kick my son out? I don’t know how people do it. Maybe I haven’t come to the last straw yet. My life is filled with disappointment, fear and dread.
Donna, I understand exactly how you feel and I do not think there is a last straw until you decide it is. Do not let your son also ruin your marriage. He has alreay ruined your life with disappointment, fear, and dread. I struggle each day with the lost family my drug addicted adult son has given us. He can never realize how many people have deep saddness and broken hearts because of his actions, and any hopes for tomorrow have been taken away. We as parents have to have our lives back, although I don’t think I will ever really be happy again. There has been too much hurt. I have to remember that my son is an adult and made these choices without asking my advice.
Stay strong and let your son know that you can not support him any more.
Thanks for the words of support, Ellen. I don’t want to let this ruin my marriage. I just seem to get defensive if my husband makes certain remarks. He can easily be strong and manage his emotions, whereas I tend to feel weak and broken-down. I do get angry with my son and try to set boundaries, but after years of legal & rehab stints, feel like my only option is kicking him out. I cry as I write this- knowing I will fall apart (I’m barely hanging by a thread now)if I have to do that. The thought makes me physically sick. He is such a good kid and so sweet when he’s sober. It’s horrific watching drugs and alcohol suck the soul out of your child.
I’m really glad I found this site. I spend so much time pretending to be happy and that things at home are “normal.” Nobody talks openly about this stuff. I mean, how can you? People talking about their successful children in college and then you chime in with your horror story? I also feel that many people who haven’t lived with an addict don’t understand the emotions involved. It’s nice to have found a website where people to give support, advice & encouragement.
It is even difficult for us to talk with the “successful” sibling about our drug addict son…I think he still feels like we give more energy to our “broken” son than we do to him. It is so hard to strike a balance between children, when we all know as the parent you are only as happy as your saddest child. People that have not been thru this cannot understand, I only hope for them that they never have to.
I have to remember that addicts are master manipulitors and will say anything to get what they need. I’ve been taken into this too many times and now want to be free of the monster that drugs created.
The new ads for a drug free America are right on. Seeing your child literally become a different person is frightening and so hard to know how to deal with.
All of you out there, please keep writting. This has been a great help to me being able to cope with the lives drugs have impacted.
Don’t ask WHY… it will make you crazy.
I have been dealing with a drug addicted daughter for over a year now. She is almost 30 and has two children that she doesn’t bother with. I don’t know if she will ever turn her life around and this waste fills me with sadness. I loved the girl I knew but I realize that girl doesn’t exist anymore.
If she turned it all around today, I really don’t think that I would care. There is such a selfishness in drug addiction that I find it intolerable. Really, how could you ever forget the painful road you must travel. For me, another name for addiction is selfishness. I, my family, my grandchildren don’t need to be abused. I have only one thought left, drop dead.
my son is 25, living at home with no job. associates degree that took 6 years to get. drinks and smokes pot every day. says he looks on craigs list every day for a job and can’t find one. stays out late every night with like friends and sleeps 1/2 a day each day. This is driving me and my husband crazy and when we try to talk to him he gets upset and we fear he will commit suicide. we don’t know what to do and it’s eating us up emotionally and physically.
Sandra,
I would start with a plan. Give it a timeline. If your son is mentally unstable, he should be committed to hospital. If they are a threat to themselves or others, this will get him assessed.
Thank you so much for this blog post. My husband and I are two days from cutting off my youngest son. At 26 he’s addicted to synthetic marijuana or who knows what. He’s also an alcoholic on Antabuse. Money, time, heartache, health, good regard, peace…all have been sacrificed to manipulative promises and excuses. Our marriage is next. It’s not as old as my son’s problems. It may even be a product of my own altered mental state from years of trouble with my son, but that’s another topic altogether. Thanks again. I’ll be rereading this page and the comments over and again for a while.
Donna, of June 3, 2011: How is it going with your son? Your situation is exactly like mine. We finally put my son out two weeks ago. He ended up in county jail on a warrant from some previous mischief because he was panhandling at the local gas station. That kept him off the street for a week. He’s out now and came by to visit his dog, check on his belongings and beg to come back…while skunk drunk and under the influence of something else too. He’s thin, sunburned, dirty. He’s lost a bag of clothes. He won’t even take his clean-up items with him or fresh clothes. I had tucked some non-perishable food in his bag with some pre-wrapped plastic utensils. He wouldn’t take that. He’s not event trying to hobo it. I feel like it’s a big “pity-me” behavior. Can he be so dumb about camping out after being raised by me? It was difficult but necessary to firmly make him leave again.
Hi Kathy-
Things got much worse. Car accident (shook him temporarily) which totaled our car and luckily no one was hurt. Started drinking and whatever else shortly thereafter. Ended up in jail for not appearing at court for a previous drinking charge. Out not yet a week and drinking again. He will sometimes go several days sober and is very pleasant, but when he drinks, all hell breaks loose. I’m always on edge.
My son is 32 and I’m 61 although I feel like 80 and am really noticing the wrinkles and worry lines these days. The worry, stress and pain of loving an addict is almost unbearable and the emotional and financial strain is incredible. The black cloud is hovering overhead no matter how hard I try to find joy. My story is like so many others; my son began his defiance and deviant behavior at around 14 and has never learned how to be a responsible adult. He has been in and out of treatment centers– some mandated by the courts, some paid for by my ex-husband and some paid for by me. He has wrecked every car he’s driven, was addicted to heroin for years and is also an alcoholic. He’s currently in county jail doing time for a third DUI. I retired 4 yrs ago and have depleted a good-sized chunk of my retirement savings trying, on several occasions, to help him get “on his feet”. He just keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper. He says he wants to stay clean and build a nice life for himself, but nothing ever changes for long. I have told him I’m finished and I mean it. I will research county-funded programs and that’s it. I will no longer transfer my hard-earned funds into his account so he can do nothing but get in trouble. I grieve about what a sweet child he was and how smart he is and it is so difficult to let go, but I know i have to take care of myself and let him take care of himself. I don’t want to have the same relationship with him anymore; I feel used and abused and it makes me so angry with him. I need to stay close to this website in order to stay strong. Thanks to everyone for all of your helpful posts.
I neglected to mention that my son suffered two seizures last year and ended up in the hospital both times. This year he was diagnosed with Disseminated Candidiasis, which is a fungal infection that spread through his bloodstream and progressed to his optic nerve, causing loss of vision in his left eye. Unchecked, it could have spread from the optic nerve to his brain, resulting in death. He spent a week in the hospital on IV medication and had to have eye surgery to save his life. His father paid for it because, of course, he has no job and no insurance. This infection was caused by mixing heroin with lemon juice and injecting it. He also had Hep C several years ago and was on medication for quite some time. He may still test positive for it; I don’t really know. As I said in my first post, he’s in jail. I’ve talked to him a few times and haven’t noticed a change yet. He thinks he is being treated unfairly because he’s in jail with men who are there for robbery and assault– all he did was go out, have a few drinks and get behind the wheel. When will he admit he’s messed up his life and he’s suffering the consequences of his actions? When is something his fault? During our last call, he went on and on about how dangerous it is in there and how I don’t understand what it’s like– he’s locked up in a cell!! What does he want me to do about it? I finally told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore and I hung up. I’m just tired of being so enmeshed in his dysfunctional life. My mother was a rage-aholic (who probably suffered from Bipolar). She committed suicide just 11 days before my son was born. My ex-husband is a control freak and I finally set myself free from that relationship 23 years ago. Now, for the past 18 years, my son has been drinking and drugging. There’s never any peace. I know this must sound like a pity party and maybe it is. I’m just tired of the pain.
Tanya, It does not sound like a pity party! Any parent that has an addicted adult child understands the pain you are feeling. I have become numb, and wonder if I will ever have any true happiness.
Thanks, Ellen, I wonder the same. Like you said in an earlier post, it’s difficult to be any happier than your saddest child. When they hurt, we hurt. The guilt never goes away either. No matter what I do, I agonize over whether it was the right thing to do. I think I’ll try doing the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing because the old way certainly hasn’t done any good!
I hope that this blog will stay active, but it looks like it may be fizzling out. Is there another blog that some of you have switched to or have things settled down for most of you? I was so happy to have found this site, but I’m disappointed in the lack of posts recently. How are things going for you, Donna?
Tanya, I am also disappointed in so few posts. I check almost daily to see if anyone else has some words of wisdom. My 34 year son is on probation again,(cocaine possession) and as usual he says this time will be different, but the old behaviors creep right back. The only time he really wants to talk with us is when he is incarcerated…probably because we are the only ones that would stil pay to talk with him. As a worn out mother, this is going on 19 years, I am still trying to let go of the pain he has caused.
Ellen, i searched for other blogs and didnt find any, however, I read an article written by Michelle Dunbar that may be helpful. After reading it, I was thinking we need rehab too– for about 3-4 days. Wouldn’t it be nice to get away from all of the stress and focus on changing our behaviors for a more positive outcome? We could break out into groups and do some role-playing and then have professionals role-play the healthier way to react, respond or whatever? And, when we leave to go back in the real world, we could exchange phone numbers and email addresses with other participants as well as the counselors so we could keep in touch and support one another when we put what we’ve learned into practice. Since we can’t change the addict, we could put our energy into changing ourselves! Regarding your post, I don’t know if there is a way to let go of the pain. As soon as I think things are moving in a positive direction, my son has another crisis that throws him and those who love him into another tailspin. If he got sober and stayed sober for several months, there might be some healing. But car accidents, arrests and illnesses don’t create a healing atmosphere for anyone. I’ve bailed my son out of jail 3 times in the past year and I’m done doing that. For one thing, I get hung out there for the entire cost of the bail if he doesn’t make it to court until the case is resolved. He’s in county jail in CA and missed his court date in TX. The judge is angry and is threatening to forfeit the bond. It’s just one thing after another and he’s created such a path of destruction in his wake– I can’t keep up with it anymore. It’s just a bottomless pit.
Hi everyone, I tend to not write when things get really bad because the pain becomes unbearable and I just want to crawl into a hole. I find it increasingly difficult to stay strong. I’ve been to a couple Al-Anon meetings, but by the time everyone introduces themselves, the meeting is over. I am afraid to feel happiness because it is always short lived. I am always dreading the next crisis- which always comes. I feel like there is very little support for parents of addicts.
Tanys, Donna and Ellen – I am still here as well. Like Donna said, when you are surrounded by so much pain – you just need a break.
My son will have his 25th birthday in a couple of months but he won’t be celebrating here. I have tried for the past year to remove him from our home – he keeps coming back, crying, pleading, telling us not to sign his death warrant. I relent, he comes back and it all starts again. My husband stopped coming home every night- my daughter is looking for an apartment (and she has two more years of engineering school) One of my twins went across the country to stay with his aunt and cousins and the other makes himself so scarce that he is like a ghost. They are all sick of this dysfunction and pain. They are angry with me as well so along with the unrelenting guilt from #1, I can add all this to the soup.
He is also in trouble with the law – was pulled over twice in as many days for drunk driving – but of course it was all my fault because I kicked him out when I caught him sucking down cheap Vodka yet again in our home. He refuses to go back to rehab, refuses to get a job, all he does is sleep all day, get up and surf the most disgusting porn sites all evening and wait to go to the bars he frequents every night. He comes home-drinks another pint or fifth and we start all over again the next day. He recently told us he needed money to move to Florida to live with friends who were going to help him get a job. We had to fix his car (transmission blew) and put $1800 into that and gave him another $800 in cash to get there. My sister (who doesn’t have a great income) bought him food and gas cards for the trip. We found a paper that showed he sold the gift cards to a place that gives you 65% for them. He has now taken to pawning anything he can get his hands on. Needless to say he never went to Florida but the money’s gone and we only got 3 days away from him.
I snapped today and threw him out. We gassed his car and gave him $20. We have a family friend who lives alone and will take him in-and try to work with him since he has had his own struggles with addictions. My son told me he will have to sleep in his car because he would never live in a trailer park (this guy has a manufactured home in a section of a trailer community). This actually amused me – the car would be so much classier? And THAT car to boot?! He is right now as I write this – writing me his “poison text messages” full of threats and recriminations” He is a pathological liar, a late-stage alcoholic, a drug user, and the laziest human being ever born. I knew the party was over when he was grabbing me and begging me not to “throw him away” and threatening to kill himself for like the 1000th time and I couldn’t feel anything – maybe a little disgust. We have offered him help – we have given him years of chances and now – it truly is him or me. I can no longer be party to the suffering of the rest of my family (including my parents whom he has bled for money with his stupid lies). We won’t pay a nickel for his legal troubles – though he is representing himself at his trial. He is very high IQ and expceptionally articulate – he would have made a good lawyer and we encouraged him to pursue it before he spent almost his entire college fund on booze. We all need to hang in there – I am turning off my phone – these messages will come in all night long – Hugs to you all – I wish we all weren’t in this hell. (Must go and clean out the 15 bottles I found stashed under my cushions in my study)
I forgot to mention that all summer he had us buying the story that he had joined the Navy and he was shipping out for boot camp in Sept. He had a friend print and sign enlistment papers that are actually on the web. He was going to be in intelligence operations and was going to be a super spy because he tested so high on tests. He even had me drop him off at a recruiters station for the testing. It was pretty good – I told the family and he let me go ahead and do it – you know- he finally cleaned up and everything was going to be ok. My father (WWII vet) was so proud. All of it lies – designed buy him more time and get more money out of us. His answer when we discovered the hoax- he does what he has to do to survive and we drive him to it.
So it was the Navy, then Florida- two weeks ago he said he had a job at the airport – today- an Apple hiring event-none of it true. It’s always the same pattern – He has a “job” – we wait for the background check to come back (takes weeks) we wait for the start date – he fakes going for a while- he needs money just til he gets his first check- we eventually find out he’s lying – he screams and yells at how we “micromanage” him – then he begs and promises that he does have something else in the fire and the process starts anew I can’t even count the number of fake jobs he has had but the landscape around here is littered with them.
I am convinced we will be doing this when he’s forty and fifty if WE don’t call it quits. Which I just did – and his last text said: “This is simply wrong. I’m being forced into what is now, for the first time, a completely untenable position”- We’ve changed the codes and locked up the house- I won’t find him hovering over me at 4 am as I sleep on the sofa (because we are all afraid of him and afraid he’s going to burn us down with his 4-5 am cooking)I just hope he doesn’t show up and start banging on the doors and screaming (we’ve been there before)-the bars are closing now – I kind of expect it. Hugs – sorry I’m just a little wigged right now – hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in spite of it all….
Diane, Donna and Tonya, and all The hardest day is the day you finally say “NO”, but it is definitely the best for you and the rest of your family. Our addicted children have to figure it out for themselves, without our financial help. I will always be here for emotional support, but as I look back over 18 years and realize that the only time we were asked for help was help with money…not ever advice. My son, now 34, with a baby mama and a 4 year old daughter, is trying again to come clean. I wish him well, but he has to do this for himself and his “family”. I am not here to be abused or taken advantage of ever again… Hang in there, all of you out there that know that it is not something that we did or did not do to create this monster that is our child.. Give yourself a hug.
He showed back up today-right at dinnertime because he was holed up sleeping all day. My husband has stated he doesn’t want him here when he gets home and so of course, that’s when he shows up. He was so arrogant- let himself in, walks to the fridge- I yelled at him to get out. He is violating the rules laid down yesterday. He is supposed to contact his brother if he needs to get us any messages.
He told me his phone is broke (he has been through dozens in the last couple of years) I told them that is his problem and he called me “horrible’ and ‘an fing shrew”. He told me he will not go to our family friend who is expecting him – and he won’t say where he did go. I’m ok with that as long as he stays out and follows the procedure for messages. I was on my computer and found out that he has been surfing so much porn – including fetish sites about masturbating in front of one’s sister and her friends I have a 21 year old very beautiful daughter and she has very pretty friends that stay here at times. I was so repulsed and disgusted. He walked in right as I was finding all this. He probably spends hours every night surfing these disgusting porn sites. His big reason for his drinking and failure to function is because he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He is very socially awkward and he has never had any self-confidence. But, to spend so much time on this – in lieu of looking for work or help for his problems is just too, too much.
He obviously wasn’t looking for work today – my husband swears he has no intention of working He figured we would just go back to the status quo after he sleeps elsewhere for just one night. He needs to live with us – it’s free, free food, stuff to pawn, people to manipulate, very close to his bars, free internet and cable,people to fight with – I kicked him out so fast and let him know he is NEVER coming back to live here so he better figure out what he needs to do from here. I still offered him rehab or hospital to be evaulated for his obvious mental and emotional problems. Thanks, I just was very shook up again today. Need to stay the course but it’s hard to be this disgusted by and afraid of your own child.
I don’t even know where to begin. My son is 30 years old and is a veteran of the Iraq war. From the time he was 6 years old it seems that he has been in some kind of trouble. As he got older it just seemed to get worse. During elementary school he was kicked off of the bus on several occasions for fighting, then in high school, even though he was a gifted athlete, he was constantly having to be disciplined by staying after school and missed baseball/football practice so much that he gave up on both sports. He was kicked out of one private high school, but we were able to get him in another similar private high school. He graduated from high school on time and then was in and out of college for the next few years. He joined the national guard and is/was a pretty good soldier. He did a tour of duty in Iraq and returned home in 2009. Since then it has just been one nightmare after another with him. He was able to finally finish college and actually did really well when he returned from Iraq. Somehow…someway…I really don’t know how all this happened I ended up giving him money for drugs. This has been going on for 2 years now and I am just at the end of my rope. I have paid for 2 rapid detoxes which lasted for just a month or so before he was back on the pain killers, he has also been to a couple of different drs and tried the suboxone treatment. Nothing seems to work. As Diane says, he calls me all the time and blames me for everything. If I don’t give him the money he demands he comes to my office and confronts me. It is unbelievable the amount of money that I have given him over the past 2 years. The really bad thing about all of this is that my husband doesn’t know any of this. I’ve been afraid to tell him and the longer it goes on the harder it is. My son does not have a job and is always saying that he is going to get one soon. I wonder who wants to hire a college graduate that hasn’t worked for over 2 years. He, too, has threatened suicide and the guilt is just horrible. Now he wants me to pay for another round of rapid detox and I told him I just can’t afford it again and it doesn’t do any good anyway. I’ve begged him to go to a good treatment center where he can be treated and receive counseling and maybe even his insurance (which I am paying) will cover some of the cost. By the way, I am also paying all of his living expenses and repairs to his car. There is no way that he could live here at home….I could not handle it. I just am at the point where I don’t know what to do. I know that I need to tell my husband, but I just can’t at this time. This forum has been very helpful and it is a comfort to know that others are going through this and managing to survive. It is a very sad and sometimes desperate situation.
Celia-its so hard to be bullied and taken advantage of by our own child. We don’t feel like mothers anymore but just as a means to an end. I’m so rowing that boat right alongside you.
Mine was also a difficult and oppositional child all the way up. I tried to get him diagnosed many times but was never told anything definitive except ADHD.Why he has struggled his entire life is certainly a lot more than that. It sounds like your son is also very bright and as he did get through military service and finish college. I know what you mean about employment prospects- they just scream of what they are by the gaps in their resumes.
Mine never really started to work-he lies on his apps and resume-just like he lies to us. My husband told him the other day that he knew when he was lying-its when his lips are moving-that is the sad fact anymore.
I’m just trying to cope with this new reality. He claims to be homeless and that it is all our fault and we will be reading about what happens to him in the newspaper. I wonder what that exactly means. We are actually worried that he could hurt one of us-he is so bitter and angry and he just doesn’t seem rational anymore.
We think he does have some resources-someone has been giving him drinks and bottles and some cash for alcohol but he wants to live here and keep terrorizing us. The real terror is that this monster is my child like Ellen said. I can no longer reason with it, accept it, or change it. He has to WANT to change and he just isn’t there yet. It may be hopeless-he has Borderline personality disorder and a high number of them do commit suicide.
Since he tried to hang himself two years ago he has been threatening us multiple times a day when not getting his own way-so cruel because my husband’s older brother killed himself at 20. This little nightmare played on that-we don’t believe his attempt was all that serious-just another manipulation. Your son has to think about his daughter now-hopefully, he will see that-somebody loves and needs him to be there and to be sober and clean. You can’t keep giving him money and taking on his responsibilites-I know I’m new to this hardball thing but there’s a kind of peace that goes along with reclaiming your life out of the abyss.
I know the first weeks will be the worst. Can your son get benefits and treatment through the VA? I know they are used to this kind of thing-my uncle used to go in all the time for rehab. Hugs to you and your family and to Ellen too- I need someone to listen who has been there, friends don’t get it-they keep expecting there’s a magic treatment somewhere that we just aren’t looking hard enough. I talked to one family that spent half a million dollars on their anorexic/alcoholic/drug addicted Borderline Personality daughter. They were just told that her chances of survival weren’t especially promising and she ran off with a much older man who has three teen-aged kids. She is only 25. Iguess the moral is that we can’t buy our way out of this horror show even if we had the money. Hugs,I wish everyone moments of calm in a very powerful storm.
Sorry, I mixed up the two stories – it is Ellen’s son with the daughter, I take it Celia, that your son doesn’t have children? My eyes are pretty messed up- I have a condition where I’m growing new blood vessels behind my eyes and they bleed of all things. I have to get shots in eye every month-(like I needed that)-probably caused by high bloodpressure and autoimmune thyroid which doctors believe were kicked in by stress. I was worried about losing sight in my one eye altogether- a high price to pay for all this stress. I also worry about having a stroke-I have told him this but it doesn’t seem to worry him all that much. Anyway, I’ve got it now – Ellen has the granddaughter-Celia has the son who is a vet-and we all have big problems unfortunately-
It is a painful road we travel and it gets so old and tiresome. I just wonder how all the stress will affect our health long-term. I keep reading that stress is the silent killer, but what can we do to alleviate it? Even if we put our foot down and declare we’re not going to put up with them and their antics, the worry and fretting never goes away. No matter which way we turn, there’s guilt on top of guilt. What is the answer to this hell we live in? If I put a smile on my face, it’s usually an act because of the dark cloud hovering overhead. I have had a little more peace lately because my son is in jail for a DUI– actually his 3rd. At least I can go to bed knowing I’m not going to receive a middle-of-the-night phone call from the police. My son uses our address because he doesn’t have a permanent address, so I get to see mail coming in from the Sheriff’s Dept, Constable’s Office, unpaid debts, unpaid fines, etc. He’s in jail in Ca and I live in Texas. Yesterday he received 3 citations and arrest warrants from the Constable’s office here! This is on top of 3 arrests in the past year. Never gets any better even after all the rehabs and money spent helping him “get on his feet”. I can’t even begin to imagine all the money spent on him in the past 12 years– I’m sure it would be enough to buy a little summer house somewhere. I can buy my daughter nice, fun things for her birthday and Christmas, but the money spent on my son is always to help him with a crisis. I feel for all of you. Even though our circumstances are somewhat different, we all suffer the same pain and heartache.
I feel similar in that, once my son is out of our home (which will tear me up) I will still have no peace of mind. I am so stressed and sad. My son is currently working, so I’m fortunate in the sense that he does not steal from us. But the constant worry and regular outbursts and dysfunction are getting worse. I am not suicidal myself, but DO NOT want to live- there’s a difference. I just see a future of misery. I cannot see any happiness for myself unless my son gets better. This disease is horrible and the resources are a joke.
I’m with you; I have not found any helpful resources. I’ve tried Alanon meetings a few times at a couple of different locations, but have never walked out feeling better than when I walked in. In fact, the last meeting I attended made me feel worse. I walked in, sat down next to a young woman, said hello and she pretty much ignored me. A few minutes later, a woman walked in and the gal next to me abruptly got up and went and sat down with the woman who had just walked in. They hugged and it was obvious they were friends. It occurred to me that the gal next to me was actually saving the seat I sat in for her friend and that was why she ignored me when I sat down. I never went back! I had asked a couple of women on previous occasions about getting a sponsor, but it appeared that most of them were already hooked up with sponsors. It wasn’t a place where I felt there was anything to gain by continuing to attend the meetings. I’ve also talked to a therapist a few times, but just felt like I was voicing my problems and feelings out loud. I need answers, help and support. Where on earth do I find it? “Let go and let God” doesn’t work. I’m financially and emotionally spent.
Resources are a joke, and “help” from the legal sy stem, like Theraputic communities, only taught more tricks, just like the program “D.A.R.E.”
I have physically lived far away from my son for over 8 years, but that does not help. His problems are with us no matter where we are, I guess because I still want to have a happy family. I have tried my best to know that the regular, boring, happy life that could have been will never happen, so I must go forward and figure out life without our son.
Ellen, we all want to have a happy, “normal” family but it seems to be out of reach. I can’t imagine the day will come when my son has a happy, satisfying life and, until that day comes, my happiness is put on hold. As mothers, we want our children to be happy and live productive lives. I love my son and always will in spite of the pain. I can’t help but think of him when he was a small, innocent, inquisitive, sweet boy. He is still that sweet, compassionate boy, but drugs and alcohol are destroying him. I don’t know how to live with him and I don’t know how to live without him. Will there ever be any peace? I’ve come to the realization that I may very well outlive him and that’s such a sad thought.
This is all so unbearable for all of us. My son is living with our family friend – who came over tonight for dinner. This man is very kind for taking him in and he feeds him and gasses his car but he will not give him cash. He told us he tries to talk to him – (he has had a brother and sister die from drugs and alcohol). He is frustrated with his lying and his constant need to go to the bars until close. We thought he wouldn’t go every day because he now lives much farther from the bars but he is there like clockwork. The gas is supposed to be for him to “jobhunt” but he told us all again that “why should he look for a job – nothing matters anymore anyway – his life is over.”
He has been at this for so many years now. I can’t remember the last happy day he had – maybe never. He was a very intense and gloomy kind of kid once he entered school. The only time he is somewhat satisfied is if he is getting his own way. Right now, that would mean- he moves back in with us – we give him money and gas – we don’t say squat to him about anything he does in our home-no matter how heinous (drinks all night- sleeps all day-brings bums home to sleep off their drunks at our house because they can’t go home to their wives/girlfriends/parents like that nor do they want to be pulled over) If we meet all his conditions – he would be partially placated. It still wouldn’t take care of his seething jealously and bitterness toward any of his siblings or peers who have made something out of their lives and whom he has cut off all ties with.
Tanya, I also feel that I will outlive him- he has already attempted suicide once and he threatens to do it again several times a day. I’m numb to it now – another manipulation tactic (but I can never be sure). If he doesn’t take that route – he will be dead within ten years from the rotgut he is ingesting mixed with the prescription meds he procures, his poor diet, his drunk driving, or maybe just beaten to death for debts he can’t and won’t pay. He is facing court on Oct. 11 – believe it or not – his first DUI. I guess he stands a good chance of getting it thrown out – so I expect he will be at it again. I agree about the resources – I have read tons of books – but NOBODY can help. I really want to know what happens to people like him – no income, mentally and emotionally sick, addicted and unreachable. Unfortunately, I think I already know.
Diane,
I guess our addicts are all committing suicide in a way. They’re certainly not doing anything that positively impacts their lives. My son will get high on anything– alcohol, pills, heroin and even cocaine. We’ve been told he’s in the category of addicts who are the most difficult to treat because he will switch addictions if he gives up his drug of choice.
I wish I had words of encouragement for you. I’m surprised your friend is still allowing
your son to stay with him even though it doesn’t sound like your son has any intention of getting a job or getting sober. At least he’s honest about his activities. Maybe you could
look into shelters in your area and give him a list of the resources available if and when he decides he wants to live. How can he think life is over at 25? Hopefully it’s just a manipulation tactic, but I know it’s devastating to hear him say those things.
Well today was a typical day for me and my son. He always calls around lunch time demanding money. Yesterday he swore he had an appt today for an assessment at a local drug treatment facility, he just needed one more day of money and then today it would be over. I knew it was just a lie, just like everything that comes out of his mouth is. Of course, I had to give him the money or he would have come to my place of business and “make a scene”. He said “Don’t make me have to come up there”. Then today he says he can’t go to the treatment center because he actually has something he must do on Oct 15-16. He demanded $1,500 and said I wouldn’t hear from him again….he’s really going to do something about it this time. Yeah…whatever. It is just unbelievable how these drug addicts are. It is always all about them and their needs, forget anyone else. I just don’t get it and I don’t understand why someone wants to live their life with no future, no hope, no concern for anyone but themselves. I don’t understand why he goes back to the drugs, even after the detox. I don’t understand anything about drug addicts and then they want to blame everything on anyone but themselves. I am so sick of my son and the way he treats me. I know that I’ve been an enabler and the guilt is just overwhelming. I wish I knew how to stop this insanity.
Thanks to all of you who have written on this forum….it is so helpful to know that we are not alone. I hope that each and everyone of you can find some peace…somehow.
$1500 must be the magic number. That’s the exact amount that my son keeps telling us is what he needs and he will leave us alone. I reminded him he’s gotten way more than that recently – and he told me we didn’t give it to him when it really counted. He needs living expenses and enough to start a new life and apparently, that is costly.
I feel for all of you – Tanya, Celia, Donna, everyone here. It’s the same horrible story with slight variations for age, sex and substance. Addicts are liars, manipulators,destroyers. They make us “hate” them and then we have to live with the guilt of feeling that way. I mostly wish my son would disappear. That way, I could imagine he was pulling his life together and he will be ok. Reality just completely sucks.
Our family friend is beginning to think he is a sociopath because he is such a user and he doesn’t care about the pain and hurt that he leaves in his wake. He called me again tonight pleading and threatening to be let back home so he doesn’t have to live in the ‘trailer park” in what he considers to be a town he is too good to live in. This from someone who doesn’t work and really never did. I listened to him berating me for 30 minutes- we are horrible people, we never loved him or showed him the slightest affection, we favored the other kids, we have abandoned him, we never really helped him, we are cold, callous and cruel,we are leaving him to die blah, blah, blah…. so sick of him, we have three other younger kids who do not act this way at all. They are being cheated of our time, attention and financial help with college. All so we can keep getting nowhere with this sick individual who won’t even try, who devalues his life.
My daughter is just so sick of it. She recently lost a good friend at only 21 years old. He drowned in a tragic accident. She said how much this young man wanted to live, how happy and full of life he was and then she has to listen to her brother scream and beat himself and talk about how he hates life and just wants to die. It’s maddening. She was downstairs crying the other day because she feels so resentful of him and she refuses to live in the house if he is here. But, then she feels scared and guilty that something might happen to him and she feels she will have contributed to it somehow. He says he hates her because she is “a bitch” and “a princess”. She has worked since 15, sometimes two jobs and she is an engineering student working full-time and going to school full-time this semester. His brothers work and go to school and pay for their own cars, gas etc. I was so heartbroken to see how hurt and exhausted the other kids are at so early an age. I told #1 tonight he can’t come back here. He just kept threatening to “sleep in his car” and that he will end his life soon because he is tired and he won’t live a “compromised life.” What a position to be in.
It is horrible, heartbreaking, and often feels like death. It is a black veil over all our lives – over the lives of all who live with and love addicts. I agree with what everyone has written – they are committing suicide but it’s a slow, tortuous one and they are trying to take as many people with them as possible. They blame and use anyone they can. We can’t be held hostage to this and we have to draw a line and hold that line. We don’t deserve this and neither do our families. I have decided to risk his anger, his threats, his actions which will either lead to something better or something worse. I just know it will be different and right now, that’s good enough for me. Love and Hugs- keep safe and warm -
You are doing the right thing, Diane. As Mary Ellen Barnes stated in her article above, you don’t have to stay stuck in the addicts world of insanity. Try to remain strong and dont give into his threats. If he wants to sleep in his car, let him. He has no right to bleed you to death and demand a free ride. Why exactly does he think he deserves better than a trailer park? What has he done to earn anything? I’ve been there with my son too, and I don’t know where on earth this sense of entitlement comes from! They don’t think rationally because they aren’t rational– their brains have been re-wired or something. We become just as dysfunctional as they are when we give into their threats. The most I’m going to offer my son is a list of resources to help himself and possibly a ride or bus fare to get there. I want a life for myself whether he wants one or not.
I honestly think any kind of mental illness/addiction is much worse than a physical ailment! When that’s the case, you have all kinds of support and sympathy and people wanting to help you “get through it.” With addiction, you’re just ostracized from the community! It’s horrible! I’m so glad people post here because I now know I’m not the only one dealing with this unbearable emotional pain.
You’re so right, Donna. I’m embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed and guilty. I see my nieces and nephew making something of themselves and I’m so proud of them. Where did I go wrong? If my child had cancer, it would be an “acceptable” disease and there would be lots of support and empathy from friends and family. My brother-in-law said, “He could get clean and stay clean if he wanted to”. My response was, “Why can’t you lose that weight you’ve been wanting to lose and keep it off”? I don’t know where I’m going with this and I don’t know the answers. I just feel deeply for all of you who are dealing with the same problems. I just wish we had help and viable solutions. I feel like I’m always going in circles and I can’t seem to get off the merry-go-round.
I feel like I’m on the merry-go-round, too. I’ve pushed my son into out-patient treatment and counseling numerous times. I’ve sent him out of state to live with different relatives to see if a new place and fresh start was the answer. He’s had stints in jail where I thought that would scare him straight. He’s been in the local emergency room several times for alcohol poisoning and being found unresponsive curled up on the ground in the park. These should be him “bottom,” right? Wrong. That terrifies me. What’s left? Death? Our insurance company denied in-patient rehab because they didn’t deem it “medically necessary.” Are you kidding me?!! That was after pleading with and threatening my son that it was his only alternative if he wanted to live at home. So, as always, we are back at square one- still on the merry-go-round. I live in fear of what the next crisis will be. I worry about my marriage. I worry about my own sanity. I feel hopeless. I feel like I will never be happy. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest.
We’re cleaning out the hangar and I found a box of my son’s things. It was still sealed and mailed from CA 5 yrs ago when he was between a stint in jail and treatment. I ran across a letter he wrote his step-sister ( and never mailed) when her father was dying. It was so philosophical and he had such resolve to get sober, stay clean and make something of himself. He regretted not being there for her and admitted it was due to avoidable mistakes that he conscientiously made. He said the lost time, missed holidays, missed birthdays, missed reunions, missed conversations are huge regrets and he had no option but to learn to live a life free from the depths and confines of addiction. As a practicing heroin addict actively engaged in his addiction, he’s leading himself down a one-way road to which the ends are always the same; imprisonment, institutionalization or death. He said he passionately hates the first two and there are countless things he wants to do with his life before he comes face-to-face with the third. He had such resolve to stay clean and make something of himself. He said it was such a critical time in his life and in his recovery from close to a decade of heavy IV heroin and cocaine abuse and this is life or death for him– from what can only be described as nearly inescapable heroin induced comas to violent cocaine induced seizures to various street-level criminal activities, he’s been places he simply should not have lived to tell about it. He said if he goes on another sick run, odds are he’s not coming back because you only get so many chances until you must find a way out of the game or it swallows you whole. It’s so difficult for me to understand all of this because he continues to go down that same path even though he seemed to be so determined. It’s five years later and he has had a major medical problem causing blindness in his left eye because of shooting heroin with lemon juice. He has also had seizures. He’s in jail for a 3rd DUI. I know he wants to do something with his life, but here we are again, 5 years later, and he has even more legal problems than he had at 27 and he’s not nearly as healthy. When will he get it? I just hope it happens one day soon. I’m exhausted.
I have not commented lately, but I have been keeping up with everyone’s comments and struggles. As for me, my daughter is the same. It has been ANOTHER 6 months, and things are the same. She finally got a job- one she had applied for and tried to get for 5 years now. Well, same old same old. After about 3 weeks, she drank before work, ‘freaked out’ at work – afraid everyone could tell she had been drinking- so walked off the job. That was that. I had hoped that since she had something she had wanted for so long, maybe she would work hard to stay sober and start building a future. But…. no. She has had inumerable jobs over the past 8 years. She had one for a year. The rest, a month at most. It is amazing to me that she keeps getting hired. No one must be checking references. She is still living with a 55 year old guy who lives in an apartment downtown. She is 26. It is rent subsidized and the guy has no job, just SSI disability. No one in that apartment building works. Just a bunch of drunks and druggies. They get food stamps. It is so pathetic. It makes me sick when I think about it. She has no phone, so I have to call the ‘boyfriend’s cell phone (that his mom pays for) to check on her. His mom must be 75 or 80 years old- and she is paying for her son’s phone. I call less and less. It is just depressing to talk to someone who is drunk.
At least she moved out of our home. We kicked her out a year ago. She knows she can’t live here. Neither my husband nor I can take it any more. She lost her driver’s license due to 2 DUI’s, so that is a blessing. At least she won’t be able to drive and hurt anyone. Since she totalled her car- due to drinking and running over a median- no vehicle either.
My husband refuses to talk about her, he says he can’t take it. So, I still feel the guilt, but at least we don’t have to see her killing herself every day.
All I can say about that is that we have to save ourselves. I hope you will all keep that in mind. We tried to save our daughter, all we got was abuse, calls from the ER, the detox center, bums on the street that she was passed out somewhere, pain from watching her sleep all day, drink and hide bottles, and fail to thrive. Since we made her leave, we at least have our marriage, our son, and our beautiful granddaughter. We’ve given up on the normal, happy, family vision. She has been out a year now, and things are better. Not for her- she is the SAME. But, it is better for us and what remains of our family.
You are all in my thoughts and I truly feel the pain also.
It is sad, isn’t it? We’re no doubt all from middle class families who work hard, pay our bills and struggle to make life better for the next generation. Our other children (for the most part) are hard-working and self-supporting. We berate ourselves for failing this child who is an addict and and feel guilty for somehow failing them. There never seem to be any answers for our particular, unique situation. We’re dammed if we do and dammed if we don’t. Money goes in and nothing comes out– rehabs don’t seem to work and promises are made and broken as often as the seasons change. I believe that I’ve brought a “gift” into the world and yet the liability outweighs this precious gift. Nothing but trouble and heartache for so many years. He knows his chances of getting and staying sober are slim. But it seems that he does nothing to increase his chances for success.
It’s just a sad story that never seems to get resolved.
Were we too harsh? We have a 29 year old daughter who has been an alcoholic since high school. She is college educated, attractive, and has traveled and worked around the world. She has been diagnosed with a mental condition and is on medication but we also have been told that it may be attributed to her chemical dependency. She often refuses to take her medication and drinks excessively. During the past several years she has lived at home and is unable to maintain a job.
We are supporting her and unfortunately her habit as she sneaks and hides her bottles. She was recently sent to jail because she physically attacked our other daughter when she was visiting us. She has physically attacked both my wife and I and she can also be verbally abusive when she drinks. Earlier this year she had completed a 30 and a 90 day rehab program. Both times she went back to drinking.
Meanwhile, we bailed her out of jail after 24 days. We believed the jail time would be a wake up call. Prior to her release she was in agreement to go to another rehab center for 30 days and then go into a sober/transitional living arrangement about 60 miles from our house. She was also informed that she couldn’t stay at our house again until she was clean. She lasted 5 days at the treatment facility. Unknown to us, she had several drinks before arriving at the treatment center where she tested positive. We had driven her there. She later refused to follow their program and became verbally abusive toward them. She was recommended to go to their other treament center which was more restrictive. She refused, was asked to leave, and she called us up to take her home. On the phone with us she denied that she had a drinking problem. We tried to encourage her to go to the other treatment center but she said she’s done with these treament facilities. We said she couldn’t come home. Her mother tried to speak with her but she hung up on my wife. We told her we would not pick her up to come home. Afterwords, my wife suggested to me that we drive my daughter’s car and my car to the treatment center with her clothes packed and we would tell her to figure it out and leave. I suggested that we wait, and that evening if necessary, she could sleep in one of the local casinos. My thinking was that she would either try to go back to the treatment center with an apology or she would agree to the more restrictive facility and call us back. She did neither and took off with no cell phone a small suitcase, and $20. We haven’t heard from her in three days and yesterday we did file a missing person’s report with the police. We are now concerned for her personal safety. If she was given the car, my wife said that she would be so angry that she might be drinking and driving which she has done before. Now I am second guessing my decision and both my wife and I are extremly upset and are having difficulties holding back the tears. We have no way of contacting her nor would we permit her to move back with us because of the abuses.
We would sincerely appreciate any comments and ask anyone if this was too drastic to leave a daughter stranded like this?
Carl,
I’m so sorry for you and your wife. I empathize with you because I know how difficult this is. We have been in similar situations with our son where we anticipated he would make the “right” decisions and he didn’t. I pray your daughter is safe and she will stop denying her addiction and ask for help. Perhaps she is punishing you for not going along with her plans to move back in with you. She can’t live with you– not with her history of being physically abusive and also because she can’t be trusted to follow your rules. I wish I knew the answer, but unfortunately I can only listen and feel your pain. I don’t have the answers for my situation with my son either. I just pray you find your daughter and she decides she wants help. Good luck.
Tanya,
We had no idea that this site existed until today. I am currently reading each response and also yours. We also experienced some of the same situations as you have with Alanon, AA , and therapists. We feel the pain that you are having. Your son has had a very difficult journey. Our daughter has been in two expensive rehab programs and one on a sliding scale based on her income. What I have learned is that many of the counselors are recovering addicts but have never experienced the pain of a parent. It is not their fault, it’s just the way it is. I am beginning to learn It really is about choices and the journey the child endures. The least expensive program can be the most successful if and when the addict is ready. My wife and I are our best therapists for each other because we have been married nearly 40 years and love and care for our daughter. We are feeling the pain and we are caught in that emotional box. No matter who the parent is, we all want what is best for our child. This blog is helping me emotionally as well as our friends in our inner circle. Having read through many of these blogs, I know we are guilty of enabling our child often out of fear. We are so concern about are daughter’s safety and are waiting to hear from her…..You have said what our friends have shared with us that she is punishing us for not allowing her to move back in with us………Thank you for sharing with us…
To everyone and welcome Carl,
I held my ground about kicking my son out for about a week and a half. Then, he started to worm his way back in with the same stories, the same lies, the same pattern and I wanted to believe so much that he was different, seeking help, wanted to change, blah blah blah. I was warned by everyone around me.
He is a very accomplished liar. He will look you in the face and he will stick to his story and he will get so incensed if you don’t believe him (you don’t love me, you believe everything my siblings say but not me, you are marginalizing me, you are vindictive, you want me to die out there, you make me lie just to survive etc) he has a million of them. I let him back because he is now on a restricted license for two months and he has a lot of court costs and DMV costs associated with his OWVI.
He says if he is put in jail he will hang himself something he has “tried” before. Then, two days ago he was broadsided in his car and it completely smashed up the driver side rear door. He told us the accident happened in one location but we found out it was very close to all his “haunts”. He says not his fault, the other driver got the ticket so we asked for the police report which he has yet to produce. We fully expect to get his ticket in the mail. He did not have collision on this car so we got the wheels fixed and made sure it runs – but what a smashed up looking heap. We had just put 2500 in his car so that he could go to Florida for a job – a trip he never took.
Now, he says he has a job at the top restaurant in the state. He is a prep cook but they of course love him and want him to wait tables- his prep cook job pays at least $30,000/yr and if he waits table it goes up to $80,000. All these numbers are courtesy of him. He says he got the job because the head chef hangs in the bars he frequents and he has this connection. Mind you, he can produce no proof, no schedule, W2 form, ID badge, apron, nothing. We’ve been driving out there when he says he is working but his car is never there so he says he is riding with the head chef who conveniently has the same hours as he does. He also says he is starting a second job with the airlines on Monday – also well-paying but we just got a message that they would like to set up an interview – when I confonted him about that lie – he told me that he knows he will get it. I guess he’s just that awesome.
So, the last two nights he’s been sleeping here – comes in at 4 am knowing that I won’t kick him out because he is drunk and on restricted license; we have found 3 bottles; he comes in reeking of booze and obviously hopped up on something; he is using my computer to check work related emails but the history is full of the adult webcam and porn sites. All of these things are violating the contract I wrote up and he signed that if we helped through to the first of the year he would work, pay his fines and work on his debts, save enough for some kind of car, never drink in our home, be in by 11 on weeknights or 12 on weekends unless working, no more porn on our computers, and no more lying to us. He has violated all provisions of this contract in less than 12 hours time!
Truly unbelievable since he cried and begged to be let in so he won’t have to sleep in his car -he has a place to go with a family friend to sleep but he finds it unacceptable. I feel like I let my family down again because I bought his line of bull and I convinced everybody I had the situation well in hand and he could sleep here for a few months while he worked and settled some things. He doesn’t intend to work and settle things he just keeps making them worse and worse.
I threw him out again this morning – He told me he will die on the streets or in jail. He is trying to make me (the weakest link) responsible for his messes and his choices and to compromise our lives, marriage, peace and sanity and future to his terrible addiction and babyfied approach to his own life. As you said Carl, punishment – they try to punish us when we won’t be used or when we won’t enable any longer. This time standing firm and true (the fourth time I’ve written that on this site). Peace and Hugs
diane
Just another question- he is sticking vehemently that he has this job at a 5 star Zagat rated restaurant- the kind that only seats 15 tables a night, you need reservations 3 months in advance, have to wear jacket and tie. He has never worked in a restaurant, never studied culinary arts or even had a cooking class or even home ec and he can barely boil water at home. What are the chances they would hire him for “kitchen help?” He doesn’t know a roux from a stew! I have to say his fake jobs are getting classier though!
Diane,
I would say the chances are very slim! My son has waited tables at several nice restaurants and it’s hard work. He would always bring aprons home to wash and needed new pants, new shoes, new shirts, etc. You have to start somewhere, but I don’t see how he could start at a top-rated restaurant without prior experience. My son’s first restaurant job was at a Chili’s. He hasn’t waited tables in a few years now and said it would be difficult for him to get a job at a really nice restaurant because there’s a lot of competition and he hasn’t had recent experience. Unfortunately, I think your son is telling you what you want to hear. It also doesn’t make sense that his car wouldn’t be there when he’s supposedly working! How stupid do they think we are? I think we just want so badly to believe them.
For me, the hardest thing to accept is how different my son is when he is sober- such a pleasure to be around! It’s that knowledge- that he does have a chance for a happy life- that makes it soooo difficult to watch him self-destruct and dig himself deeper into that hole of addiction. I feel so desperate to get him out of that hole. It is so painful to watch what he’s doing to himself and his life. The pain is unbearable at times, causing so much emotional distress that has begun to manifest in physical ways (sick more often, heart palpitations, etc..) Whoever previously wrote the phrase, “you’re only as happy as your saddest child,” hits the nail on the head!
Diane, I know what you are going through and no one size fits all. Our daughter is completely different when she is not using alcohol and using her meds correctly. We do have some good news. On Thursday of last week we filed a missing person’s report. On Saturday morning we had received the police report that the Highway Patrol had picked up our daughter who was walking along the highway the day before the report, and had taken her to our home town and dropped her off. My wife and I spent three days looking for her at the various homeless centers, walking the streets, and showing her missing picture profile. Although this is a different topic, walking with the homeless was an experience. I had no idea the thousands that were being fed, the respect they had for each other, and how thin the line is between the have and the have nots. All ages and genders were represented although men out numbered the women by a 3-1 ratio. Who knows, they may be in a safer environment than us. Enough said.
My wife and I were continuously second guessing what we had done by not picking her up. She had no cell phone, only $20, and no friends. On Tuesday we had spoken with the Highway Patrol Officer who said that our daughter looked ok but exhausted, and said she would have a ride when she arrived in our town. What shocked us is our daughter had walked the entire distance, day and night, from Lake Tahoe to Carson City, NV covering nearly 35 miles in temps. in the low 30′s and walking through a steep forested mountain pass. She was still missing. Yesterday the local police had recommended that we file a medical warrant with a judge. We gathered her medical records together and decided to visit the local rehab/psych facility where she was once a patient for additional records. For whatever reason, my wife shared our daughter’s missing picture profile with one of the secretaries. The secretary left the room with the picture. Ten minutes later I RECEIVED a call from our daughter. She had admitted herself to this rehab program. She was there at this facility. My wife and I were overcome with emotion. Remember she was thrown out of the other facility and walked almost the entire distance to our home town with the exception of the police ride. She told her mother she is going to stay as long as it takes to get well…
Although our drama has had a happy ending, we know that for our daughter it is going to take years for her to get over her addiction and to correctly take her meds. What have we learned from this? That we rolled the dice and her guardian angel was there. We could easily have found her in a homeless shelter or receiving that dreadful midnight call from the police. That’s what I mean that one size doesn’t fit each person’s situation. We also know that our daughter is an adult and whatever choice she makes, will have a lasting effect. Like many other parents, we have been through tough emotional times where you begin to second guess one’s decision and allow ourselves to become the victim. Its tough being a parent in these situations..too many emotions come into play from their birth to the present day. My wife and I will always be there for our daughter but we will NO longer enable her and reinforce her addictions by giving her money out of our own fear. It would be better to give money to a stranger for their addictions than to give it to your own kids. At least you do not have to feel guilty and fall into their traps. Our daughter may fall off the wagon again but we are praying that we are strong enough to make the right decisions so that we can have a “normal” life…….I will keep everyone posted…..
Carl,
Thank God your daughter is safe and in rehab again! You must be at peace finally– knowing she is well and has made a committment to get sober. I can imagine it feels pretty good to go to bed and get some sleep for a change. I’m happy for you and hope all goes well for your daughter’s recovery.
It’s difficult to admit that I am more at peace with my son in jail, but it’s true. I’m sleeping well for a change and not waking myself (and husband) up yelling at my son. I felt so trapped with the money situation and guess there was a lot of pent up anger and frustration. I never used to talk or yell in my sleep, so I think I was getting close to the breaking point.
I feel your pain, Donna. My son is the same way when he’s sober– sweet, loving, intelligent, funny and sensitive. He never gets mean when he’s on something, but I can’t stand seeing him drunk or high. It’s just disgusting and so disappointing. They have him on Prozac for depression and OCD and I’m praying it will help him. So far, he said he can’t tell the difference. The doctor told him it can take several weeks. It would be dangerous for him to stop suddenly when he gets out though, so I sure hope they give him enough to last a few days when they release him.
I don’t know yet when he will be released or when he will get into rehab. He had another court date today, so I’m hoping to hear good news when he calls tomorrow.
Tanya, I am glad to hear that you are able to get some peace. Something like this can break up almost any marriage. Although my wife and I have been married for 39 years, we have stood together through the difficulties of our daughter. We are now recovering from everything we have been through with our daughter. We will always be there for her, but she must make the decision to stay clean. My wife and I know that we can not, and will not, enable her. We are sharing ideas of what we will do if she decides to use again. It is going to be a long haul but we are working on a game plan. I hope that you son has that burning desire to go to rehab and really wants to get on with his life. One thing we will eventually ask our daughter is her game plan. We will be the first to know if she alters her goals………
My husband and I made the decision together- after 8 years of struggle with our daughter- that we had to save ourselves. We cannot save her. It is up to her to break away from her alcoholism and her addictive behavior. For 8 years we rescued, talked, supported and probably enabled, her behavior by helping her over and over ‘make a fresh start’. Each time we were let down as she would eventually choose drinking over living a happy and productive life. At some point, we both agreed that we were finished with enabling. She is an adult- 26 years old now- and all our bailing out and providing rehab has not done a thing. She walked out of rehab, refuses counseling, is still drinking, not working, and choosing to continue in this self destructive lifestyle.
In order to preserve our marriage, our security, and our happiness and the happiness of our other child- we have decided to let our daughter find her own way. We are still here for her- but she needs to come to us for help. We will no longer seek her out to push her to ‘get help’. She obviously doesn’t really want to change. We love her, we will provide (if she asks) a safe haven and medical care- but on our terms, not hers. She needs to want to change. So far it has all been at our initiation, and she has always told us she doesn’t want to quit drinking. She says she can handle it. Well, she can’t. Until she wants to quit and commit, we are saving ourselves. It is a sadness- continual- but we know we have other things to live for, and we refuse to let her misery ruin what remains of our lives and the lives of our son and his child- our grand daugher.
WOW, I admire the strength some of you have. I’m hoping to get to that place. Right now, it feels like I’d be giving up on my son. Believe me, I know that’s not the case, but it doesn’t “feel” that way. I am slowly working on detaching, but it is a very difficult process. I have alot of mixed emotions. I am hoping he finds the desire to battle these demons. I just can’t imagine ever being happy while he is struggling with this.
Thanks to all of you. What a blessing that I found this in the middle of the night when I have been beside myself. My 42 year old daughter has left again to be with her loser boyfriend and has left her 2 sons at home with me. She was only going out for “a minute”. I have allowed her to move in with me in order to help give her sons a stable environment. Now she uses me to go out. However, I believe even if I were not in her life, she would leave her sons alone (ages 13 and 15). Both my daughter and her 46 year old boyfriend are drinkers. If it weren’t for her boys, I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. But what can I do when my grandsons are wonderful and didn’t ask for any of this? Thanks again so much for the great comments on this site. :)
Also, what is it when I have paid $30,000 just since Feb. to provide for her son to attend a private high school, for her attorney fees to get more support from her ex., clothing for her and her other two sons,etc. that she confronts me as to “lording” my money over her? When I told her that her loser boyfriend could not live with us anymore, she calls me a very mean person. She loves to tell me that I was not a good mother too, when I really was. She loves to say “well, you drink too” when I may have a glass of wine out to dinner. How does this all work?
I hope that this doesn’t offend anyone on this forum but I would like to say a prayer for all of us and our children:
Dear Heavenly Father,
We thank you for this beautiful fall day and for your loving kindness. Thank you for your grace and love and the sacrifice of your son so that we could all have eternal life. Please be with us each day as we face a world that we don’t understand. Be with our children and please give them the strength and courage to overcome their addictions and become functioning members of society. Give all of us the strength and courage to say NO when we are so scared and afraid. We are all in a world of darkness with our addicted children and can only pray that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We all love our children and want only a good and decent life for them and for us.
These things we ask in Jesus’ name and for his sake.
AMEN
Ann, you WERE and ARE a good mother and you are also a GOOD grandmother! If you were such a bad mother, how on earth could she leave her beloved sons with you? That makes absolutely no sense! They love to blame everyone else! Quit spending your retirement on her though– that is a bad move. Take care of your grandsons and take care of yourself. Let her take care of herself. She’s depending on you to still be her mommy and take care of her need even though she abuses you. You must take care of your own needs!!!!
Thanks Tanya for your kind words. The latest in my scenario is that my daughter contacted a therapist for a possible joint session for her and I to “set some ground rules” because I told her the money for her is cut off starting immediately. I did this after reading all the letters on this blog. I told her to attend if she could afford it ($150 per hr.). I told the therapist, “no thanks” to talking about “ground rules” until my daughter wants to address the elephant in the room. And, Celia, thanks for the prayer…no matter what denomination we all are, a little prayer can always help especially with today being All Saints Day! And for all of us, a quote from the therapist’s e-mail “Hang in there!” Thanks again to everyone who has written on this site. Truly a godsend for me. :)
Is alcoholism a disease? My nephew just cannot seem to quit and I know that it runs in my family. He has taken just about all of my sister’s retirement money for rehab, etc. Should she just say NO and see if he survives?
Hi everyone. Just spent last night and this morning reading every post on this site. Thanks to all of you because it helped me. MARGE…I am a recovered alcoholic/drug user. I have always heard that alcoholism is a disease. It never felt right to me though. However, alcohol, like many drugs, is addictive. If you use addictive substances often enough you get addicted. It certainly causes diseases. It doesn’t really matter though to me. It’s all about deciding to get help and to stop using whatever you use…alcohol/drugs etc. Even smoking. Way more people die from smoking than drugs and alcohol. The difference is that they don’t make life a living hell for everyone around them. I have a huge extended family. Many alcoholics (in recovery for the most part) and many young drug addicts/abusers who are not recovered and don’t want to be. Now my own daughter is using drugs and it is more painful for me to watch her destroy herself than anything I have ever gone through. I would do ANYTHING to help her. But there is NOTHING I can do because she doesn’t want help. She doesn’t think crushing pills and injecting them into her body is anything to worry about. She is 20. Extremely beautiful and talented. She is smart and has always had many good friends. Well, like all of your stories, I have watched her change in the last two years. She has dropped out of two schools. Lost many jobs. No more good friends. Nothing in her life lasts long. I get mad at her and then I remember where I was and I know that when you are “in it”, you can’t see straight. Yes I did have “lucid” moments. But then I would “forget”. I mean really forget! No one who hasn’t had to overcome an addiction can really understand this. Yes I was powerless while choosing to continue to use. I couldn’t fix myself while using. Does that make sense? I was powerless as long as I continued to drink and use drugs. I had to be willing to stop. Just willing. And once I made that decision I was really on the way to recovery. And that was before I even got to an AA meeting. Get a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous – The Big Book. Written before all the treatment centers came around. It is all about becoming willing to go to any lengths to get better. It’s all about taking a very hard and honest look at yourself and facing the fact that you are a big baby, selfish, immature, self-centered to the extreme. It’s about deciding to surrender and give up the battle so that you can win the war. I think some of these posts reflect a misunderstanding of what AA (the original) meant by powerlessness. I am powerless over lots of things. Only an egotist would say that he has control over everything he does and can do anything. I’m so exhausted. I know what I must do. I must get my hair done and buy new clothes. I must find meaningful work and friends. I must continue to grow and pray and find peace in my life. I cannot hang my life on hers. Not easy to do when it’s your daughter! And I love her so much. And I always will! I CHOOSE TO! I can choose today. I will not give her money or enable her any longer. I will tell you this. The anger and blame directed at us parents is the child’s own self-hate. I pray for my daughter and my nephews and all these young lost children. Thanks
Thank you for your insight, Karen. I’m sorry about your daughter and I’m sorry we all have the same struggles with our children. We love them so much and want to help, but it’s so difficult to understand the fine line between helping and enabling. The “disease” theory is probably what we want to believe because we see how addiction runs in families and it’s easier to think of it as a disease opposed to “choice”. It helps to hear your perspective and I appreciate that. I just pray my son makes the choice to live as you have done and hope all our children make that same choice.
Yes there is a choice to be made. At no time do I think that a person cannot choose to be well. It can be extremely difficult to stay sober as many must deal with “craving”. With addiction comes alterations in the brain. Medical help is necessary for many. Let me tell you something that is true. It will take everything you got to overcome addiction, at least in the beginning. Also you all should know that the experience of powerlessness occurs during the course of active addiction. EVERYBODY tries to stop or moderate their use over the course of months, years, decades. NOBODY sets out to become an addict/alcoholic. NOBODY!!!! Why some and not others???? It’s not as simple as this site wants you to think. However an addict can get well if he/she is willing to do whatever it takes.
Thank you for this, it took me a long time to go through these emails. Every child is different, and everyone has different needs. After working with so many young addicts and troubled youth, I know that every case is different. I strongly believe and tell friends/family of addicted loved ones to help the addict as long as they are helping themselves. But there is also the time when the seed of recovery needs to be planted, and that can be done with the help of the YOU. Addicts get in a denial factor, that is hard to see when they have blinders on.
Hi Ladies,
It’s been a wicked couple of months since I last posted. I’ve read over your posts tonight as I am awake with a case of the worries over my son. My gosh our stories are all so familiar. Each one of yours hits me right in the gut.
So, since I last wrote hell broke loose. My son became more and more violent in response to any requests we’d make of him and to any denials of money, transportation, time listening to his bullshit. Out of pity, we hated calling the police so things went on too long and too far.
Upon realizing he was going to push us into the pit of assault and battery charges, we finally took it all into our own hands. We packed his clothing and toiletries in bags and made him go. It was horrible. He cried, he wheedled, he begged, he put his body in the door and tried to prevent my closing it. We put the police on speed dial because we fully expected the violence of desperation. As it was I had bruised arms from his response to my trying to get him out the door enough to close it! I’ve never felt like such a pitiful piece of work in my life, having been degraded to the point of physical exchange. Mind you, my son is six feet, two inches tall and a very wiry 160 pounds. I’m all of five-five and a round little dumpling.
He left, but he’d be back at the door night after night, or calling me at home or the office with the begging, wheedling, promising. I thought I was a nervous wreck before, but wow, that was nothing compared to this. Finally on the second or third night of a set of wet, heavy snowstorms he was picked up behind a shopping center a couple of miles away, apparently extremely drunk and feet slightly frostbitten.
The police dropped what was left of his belongings at our home. The warrants from screwing up what should have been a pretty straightforward probation landed him back at County for 60 days.
I visited him there once and never went back because after the first few minutes of fairly lucid exchange he dove right back into the manipulative talk. He tried calling many times, multiples in a row! I was so glad for the blocking program I’d purchased for my cellphone. He even dialed my work number so frequently I had to direct all calls to voice mail to screen them.
A couple of times I took the call and wished I hadn’t. The whole purpose was to work on my emotions. He’s become quite the psychopath, really. All that matters is him! After the 15 minutes my brain would be thoroughly addled and my heart rate dangerous even though I’d beg him to please stop, to understand, to do right.
Throughout all this, I’ve seriously considered hanging myself from the huge tree in the back yard a number of times, or with the dog leashes from the basement ceiling, just to get relief from the pain of it all. Dammit, I’m not going to fold. He knows there is life insurance and sometimes I wonder if that’s what he wants. It’s a miserable feeling.
Since my son’s been released he hasn’t come to the house, thankfully, but the abuse doesn’t stop. He’s called all my phones and I’ve erred in answering a couple of times. Begging, wheedling, promises that he’s a new person, flattery of asking for a pie, pulling at heart strings that the guy who took him in was putting him out because the guy needs rent money for the room my son occupies. My resolve wavers silently while outwardly I repeat the “sorry, I love you, can’t do any more for you” magic.
I admit I really considered coming up with $375 to buy him a month. Thank goodness I was smart enough to not mention this to my son…he’d have grabbed onto the idea like a pitbull and tortured hell out of me until I either did it or involved the police. No matter to him that I’d be pinched for a month or more to make up for it! All that matters to him is him.
It has become a two-person attack on me; my son knows, from years of seeing his father do it and from his own experience, that enough haranguing will wear me into submission. Not only was my son calling, but also the guy has called. I have determined there’s collusion to shake me down. So the last time I got a call from “the guy” I told him that I think well of his charity to my son, but that I would not be rescuing the 26-year-old young man who has decided not to try to help himself. It’s been a few days since either has called and I am so relieved but wondering when it will start up again. Or worse, will my son come to the office?
As I write now, it is very very cold outside…and you all know where my mind wanders. Finally the sleeping pills are taking effect. G’nite…
I’m sorry about your son, Kathy, and the pain you’re going through. I know it all too well. It’s a sickening horrific kind of emotional pain wrought with fear, anger, deep sadness, grief, loss, guilt and many more. Having to force yourself to be “cold” toward your children is unnatural. I hate this disease like no other. I would much rather my son had a terminal illness. This is like watching a slow torturous death for years. Some get lucky and get to see their child choose sobriety. I hope some of us fall into the lucky few. Best to you, your son and your family during this extremely difficult time of year.
Merry Christmas to all you strong, loving and caring parents! I hope your Holidays are wonderful and that the New Year will bring more happiness than despair. My son is sitting in a jail cell, which has to be about the most depressing situation to be in at this time of year. At least there’s one bright spot for me; I don’t have to worry that he will kill himself or someone else in a car accident! I do pray 2012 will be a better year for everyone and that our addicts will finally turn their lives around!
Have a blessed Christmas and wonderful New Year!
Tanya
Merry Christmas to everyone. I know many of us are suffering on this day- and this website is here to remind us that we are not alone. My daughter did not call, or return my calls today. No doubt she is drunk, alone, miserable, crying. We are in another state, and she was invited to come- with us paying for the ticket, of course- and she said she could not leave. Leave what? No job, sleeping on someone’s couch in a subsidized apartment downtown where other addicts or losers are living on public assistance or SSI. No family nearby,no church, no happiness. She has tried to commit suicide twice this month and calls to cry that she hates her life and has begun cutting herself. It is a nightmare- she is beautiful and her physical beauty is something she has tried to maintain. Now she is scarring herself, her teeth are stained, the effects of her abuse of herself starting to show. She knows she is an alcoholic but continually tells me she doesn’t want to stop.
Sorry to be such a downer on this blessed day- every holiday I cry. I can make it though most days and put my daughter’s pain in some compartment and only look at it occasionally. On every holiday, I wake in pain and spend the day trying to be secluded so my sadness does not effect others. I have cried off and on all day. Thank you for all being there and sharing. Our children cause us so much pain. I know they are in pain- but how do we cope with the guilt and pain and helplessness we as parents have to deal with?
i hate that i understand what you are all going through. My son is at a hotel right now doing drugs. He will be 23 next month. He has juvenile diabetes. As a nurse and emt, i know that diabetes and drug abuse is a bad combo. I agree with Donna, i feel like my son is committing suicide slowly. i’m pretty sure he will die and what hurts me the most is when will this be? tomorrow? next week? next year? a mother sees this happening and wants to save or protect her kid but can’t! this is the worst feeling. in my career i see people of all ages dying from illness that they didn’t ask for and i have this kid who doesn’t care about himself. My heart breaks for him. i say to myself: “where did i go wrong?” his twin sister holds 2 jobs and is a full time student. my 12 year old is an outstanding student and child.
all i do is stress and cry
Watching your child “adult” or not get lost in the world of addiction is something I would never wish on any parent. The roller coaster of emotions and the fear of “what if’s” is torture. I take each victory as it comes and try to stay focused on understanding the war against the enemy. Separating the sin from the person helps you stay focused on the person that needs to be freed from addiction rather then the drug induced behavior of the addict. (Love the person, Hate the sin)….addiction is becoming an epidemic in this country and the “successful” resources for help are just not available. I pray, lean on God’s word for strength and continue to persevere to help my adult child be free from this bondage.
I kind of can’t believe I’m posting here…out son (21) is a heroin addict. He is living out in the country w/us now, so cut off from drugs for the time being. He’s gone thru the physical w/drawl & now we’re on the mental part. He says he wants to stop using (I’m still shocked he actually shot up w/heroin for a yr. & we NEVER knew). What do we do now? He’s (& us) are seeing a counselor. Since he’s thru the physical w/drawl and has been out w/us for about a month, does he still need outpatient? I’m afraid for when he can finally leave us & go to the real world. I feel so guilty for now realizing this sooner. My husband and I are having a tough time. ANY advice will be sooooo welcome. Thanks.
sorry for the couple of typo’s. I’m feeling guilty about everything as of late…
Jillian,
I’m am glad that you have posted about your son. Be thankful that he has made it through the physical w/d and that he is participating in the counseling. I would think that he probably will need to be in counseling for quite a while. My son has been through detox 3 times now in just over a year and has gone back to prescription pain drugs every time. He says he doesn’t need counseling, but obviously, he does.
To all of the other parents out there I am so sorry that very few of us are having any success with our adult addicts. Every day is a nightmare for me and my son continues to drain me of money each and every day. He still doesn’t work and says to me that every day is the last day and he will get help tomorrow. It is all just a lie and a delay tactic. I’ve told him that he has 3 choices in life:
1. Die an early death from drugs
2. End up in jail or prison
3. Choose to deal with his addiction and try to get his life straightened out.
He is 30 yrs old, a college graduate, and Iraq War veteran and really a bright, personable, and handsome young man or he was all of this….but he seems to have no ambition, and his only goal in life is to obtain drugs to feed his addiction. I am so tired and stressed with all of this, I just don’t know what to do.
I wish he would just go somewhere and leave me alone so I can have some peace. Sandy & Desiree…be thankful that your children are not bullying you and demanding unbelievable sums of money from you everyday. I know you probably wonder why I have continued to give him money for his habit…it is due to him threatening me and saying he will come to my work and make a scene if I don’t meet his demands (he has done this before). I feel like I’m being blackmailed by my own son.
God help all of us. We need him.
Jillian, My son went into rehab last week. I’m pretty sure he went in to avoid jail and/or to have a bed (it’s getting cold out). whatever the reason, who cares, he’s in there and i can only hope that he will “see the light”. i would never judge you nor do i think anyone on this panel would as we all seem to be going through the same ordeal. My son has and still steals from me and family and whoever he can to support his habit. My mother in law has had to close her bank account 3 times with losses up to 40,000 dollars including jewelry, some necklaces worth 9,000 dollars. I used to give my son money or even gift cards but he would sell the gift cards. I am giving him tough love and he( when he is well) respects me but when high, hates me. I’ve been going through this for over 5 years now so i guess you can say that i enable him less and less but still, it is tough because he is my child. I am going to be going to my first support group on Friday night. I think it can only help. I believe that the 3 choices you wrote are true for your child or any child going through this.
Be well….
Desiree
sorry i guess i was directing toward Celia, lol not sure
Well, my son is out of jail and he’s here at our home. He was in jail in CA for a DUI, but missed a court date here in TX for possession of marijuana due to the fact that he was incarcerated in CA. The judge here wasn’t happy because he went to court the first time & asked for a court-appointed attorney. She told him to bring proof that he needed one and he missed the first date she set, so they had to reschedule. He made the next appt, and the judge agreed to the attorney, but there wasn’t one available that day. They reset the date, but he was in jail in CA then. So, the judge issued a warrant and there is an inactive bond forfeiture. They sent extradition papers to CA, but somehow it fell through the cracks and CA released him. He flew in Thurs night and called the court Friday morning. The clerk told him he can walk into court with all the paperwork, but the judge will most likely have him taken into custody! The clerk said he would be better off to hire an attorney to show up with the paperwork & give the judge a chance to look it over. He called an attorney & the attorney told him he could represent him, but he may have to go in for a day for booking, but they would probably consider his time served in CA and he would most likely be released the same day. My issue is this– he has a total of $1000 in unemployment benefits and it will cost him about $500 for an attorney. He has no job, no place to live and this money would help him get into a sober living home and help support him until he can get a job. I can’t imagine that he would have to do more than 2 wks or so in jail for 0-2 oz of marijuana, but he is adamant about the fact that he is NOT going back to jail!!! He is on a wait list for a county bed in a good rehab in CA and had planned to come here & take care of the court case, then go back to CA and get into sober living, find a job somewhere and wait till he can get into the rehab. Now I see all of that going out the window. I have helped him so much financially in the past, I just can’t go down that road again and have told him that repeatedly while he was incarcerated. I don’t blame him for not wanting to go back to jail–he was there for 4 months and has been sick with bronchitis and sinus infections the entire time. He’s still sick. He says he wants to stay sober and has made up his mind to stay off drugs and alcohol. I believe that’s what he wants, but he has never been able to stay sober, so I don’t see that happening without a good rehab. Maybe I’m crazy because he has already been to several rehabs in the past. I told him earlier tonight that he needs to be somewhere else by next weekend and he said ok. I told him I don’t want to argue with him about jail vs hiring an attorney, but I have to set boundaries for myself and I haven’t figured out just what I’m willing to do to yet; I just know I can’t be his bank or go back to the way things were before. I’m leaning toward offering to pay the first 4 weeks in sober living, which would mean he has about $500 to pay for food, cigs, transportation, etc. until he can get a job. He has a felony drug charge on his record and he always uses that as an excuse why he can’t get a job, but I know there has to be other felons out there who work! He is 32 yrs old and has been drinking and doing drugs since he was 14, so he missed all those years when he should have been maturing and learning how to be responsible. He has just made a mess of his life, but he is not a bad person. I don’t want to enable him and I don’t want to do for him what he can do for himself either. There has to be an end to the help.
Pretend I never sent that last post! What to do without enabling is always a struggle. I’ve just decided to see what he does. If he helps himself, I’ll help him. If not, I’ll drop him off at a shelter. It’s not my problem to figure out his life and I don’t need to be tormented about what to do or not do for him. If he makes positive strides, I’ll consider helping. He’s going to reap the rewards or suffer the consequences of his actions.
Tanya,
It is so tough to “not”enable. My son was just in rehab (lost count on how many times he’s been there). This particular rehab has alot of support for families. I learned so much. I learned that i’m “sick” because i’m addicted to my addict. I learned that throwing my son on the street forces him to go into rehab and i know he is initially going for the bed and/or hot meal but my feeling is, whatever gets him in there then maybe he will “see the light” so to speak. Nobody can judge a family member going through what you and I go through. Each person and family is individualized and what works in your situation may not work in mine. I do feel that the support groups out there for families is KEY to helping you and i cope.
Well,I have been searching for some answers now for so long, it is actually nice to hear that others are in similar boats…
My daughter is 31 and is addicted to cocaine and now I believe prescription drugs. Five years ago she was pregnant and was with us during her pregnancy and didn’t use. Her boyfriend got out of jail and the lies began…she had the baby (they got married and were living with us). I went away for a couple of weeks to come home to basically a empty house, they robbed us blind and stoled our truck and took off, withthe babe. Needless to say we have been raising out granddaughter for five years now. Meanwhile shehad another child three years ago, she has been living in a different city from us, so she said that she split up with her husband, got a job and was diagnosed with bi-polar. Eventually the wheels fell off and she freaked out at work and didn’t go back. Next she got another job, then her little son got sick and possibly had a cancerous growth on his lungand had to undergo two different biopsies. Then she felland broke her arm, so on and so on, I was SO STUPID, thought if she didn’t have any bad luck she wouldn’t have any luck at all. Anyway she came to our house for Christmas, wheels fell off, she ended up in the hospital going through withdrawls Social Service, removed her son from her care and she had to leave. I also found two needles in the room they were staying and pills. The littleone stayed with us but they wanted him close to his mother in order to maintain a relationship (she has none withher daughter)so now he is with his paternal grandparents. During all of this we found out she has been living withher husband all through this time, during which she was asking everyday for help with prescriptions (five different ones)groceries etc….it was all lies constantly. I was crushed once again of how she could do this to her kids and to her family. No more. So much has gone on with her,how can a mother use her own child to get what she wants.He was so neglected it broke my heart.
I have gone to AA but didn’t see any help there. Then have been searching for books on the subject but nothing there either, where can a person get help to help themselves!
I’ve read a few of these stories….my story is very similar. My son is 34. He has been nailing me to the cross since he was young. I divorced his father when he was 3 1/2 and I still think that he blames me for everything that went wrong in his life. He constantly lies, he does drugs, pain killers mostly, then he becomes violent. Throwing things, punching holds in the wall, breaking doors. He went to jail for 6 months when my parents called the police, for a domestic, and drug charges. He violated probahtion and was sent to jail…I thought that it would change him…it did..not for the good. He has a chip on his shoulder; can’t find a job. He is stealing, money, jewelry, forging checks. I called his father, I just can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t want to send him back to jail, but he refuses to go for help; and now he uses the fact that his probahation officer will send him back to jail if he goes to live with his father. It is cold and he has no money, no real friends, he own brother won’t let him go to his house. I feel torn. His father said that he was going to put him away. He needs professional help. I do know that…I’m am so sick. I have addiction in my family. Both my brothers, my father has been on pain meds since I was 10 years old for a back problem, and really that is when drug use was introduced to my family. My mom has gone through hell, still is now her grandson. I am with heavy heart when I say that he needs to be someplace that can help him, but not jail that is a horrible place. Any suggestions. The court system doesn’t help neither does probahation they prefer to send you to jail. No jobs. No money, desperate.
Same story here; just different characters. I’m so sick of dealing with someone else’s problems! When will my son take ownership and leave me out of his daily struggles? My husband (his stepdad) and I let him come to our place after he got out of jail in CA so he could take care of his legal issues here in TX. He slept till 9 or 10 every morning and postponed taking care of his problems here. He has a possession of marijuana charge here & missed his court date due to the fact he was in jail in CA for a 3rd DUI offense. He had to go to the jail here and turn himself in, which he finally did on Thursday. He has a court date here tomorrow & is hoping the judge will release him on time served in CA. He said if she doesn’t, he will post bail. He only has about $600 to his name, but he’s going to spend most of it to post bail because he said the jail is horrible here–nothing like Orange County where he was!!! I told him he will need to be prepared to go to a shelter if that happens because that money was supposed to help him get on his feet when he gets his legal issues resolved. He spent the other $500 on an attorney, so if he posts bond tomorrow, he will have spent almost $1100 on this legal issue, which still won’t be resolved and now he won’t have any money again. I can’t make him make the right decisions–he won’t listen to reason and that’s why he’s always in trouble. If just one time, he would say, “You might be right, Mom”, I might feel like I’m getting through to him. He thinks it’s okay to drive without insurance–somehow the laws don’t apply to him. I guess I will have to follow through with the shelter threat since I don’t think I should have to replace the funds he spent on his legal issues here. If I cave in, I’m right back to supporting him and I have promised myself NO MORE handouts. He has a drug felony on his record, but I know there are others out there who get jobs with a felony on their record. No more excuses. When is it time to live our lives???
i have been dealing with my sons alcohol addiction for years he is 24. we have been through very searious court trial that i and my mom paid 30thousand plus dollars. it was not because of the drinking but he had been drinking and is the commen thread in a long history. There has been jail on more than a few occasions, dui 2 times in a month, drug arrest. i have bailed him out and not bailed him out. ect.
where i am now, he was beaten in a fight and was in icu for 7 days. after he stayed with me and could now walk well or speak well. when he got back out to a sober living house he started using. he has been in and out of the mental hospital (they keep letting him out or telling him to leave and drinking wile i have been paying his rent and taking him to the ER every few days becouse of panic attacks, cutting, anxiety, ect. this was happing before he got hurt but is worse now. so , i have to chose to let go. the hardest part is that i am not sure that he has the mental capacity to do it he can’t seem to keep it together for even a day . the time before last that i was taking him to the hospital he jumped out of my car on the on ramp to the freeway. out of idias
continued from the post earler one. after jumping from my car he was taken to the er then to the mental hospital released the next day back at the er that eve back to the mental hospital released. he paid his rent i drooped off his things he says he is doing well. he shows up at my house this morning at 9am and has been drinking. i tell him to leave give him the # to the mental health clinic and a rehab to see if there are any beds. i get a call from the er saying that he was brought in because he was found laying on the sidewalk and he is being combat of.
i love my son, probably tomuch but there is nothing that i have not done and there is nothing that has worked …. i don’t know what will happen to him
It is heartbreaking to hear these stories. And mine is so similar. I too search for answers for how to deal with this heartache I have over my son. I too am torn. If this were a ‘bonafide disease’ like cancer, diabetes, etc., it would be so much easier. But I don’t think that people with those diseases lie, steal, blame their families and on and on. Like most of you, we have addiction on both sides of the family. Like most of you, I never thought my son would succumb to this.
Over the past two year of dealing with finding out about his heroin addiction, my son has said such horrible things to me my heart just cannot take anymore. I myself have gone through over a year of family counseling to try to ‘understand’ but I feel the NA/AA ‘model’ is broken on so many levels. His father and his 1/2 sister have mostly written him off, yet I charge on like some half-mad general in the proverbial Custer’s Last Stand scenario, hoping somehow, someway I can help him, fix him, save him. I know it’s desperation and a fool’s folly, but my mother’s heart won’t let it go…
I call this journey the Roller Coaster, because, over the past 5 months, my son had seemed to turn the corner, he had been on probation for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided (like many of these other kids) – the rules did no apply to him – he stopped seeing his PO. At that time he was living with his dad who basically had had it with him. He moved in with me and my husband. back in August, and turned himself in – was put back on probation….seemed to be doing well. Then, around the holidays, two of his friends (one of them very close to him), died from drug overdoses….and suddenly, he was out of control. I reached out to him being compassionate and he was nasty, abusive, full of resentment – telling me he hated me – telling me how he was angry for the divorce, for how I got along better with him than his sister (this is true) and on and on…
The next thing I know – he lied to his girl friend (who is an absolute doll and one of the bright spots in his life), and she broke up with him. Now, he is living in his car. It is winter in Ohio…
Two days ago, he said he’d be willing to get help…and his girlfriend agreed to allow him to stay with her as long as he agreed he’d get help. The thing is he is only staying with her when she is not working…or only sporadically. Meanwhile he is still in his car with everything he owns.
Last night, I came home to find out that in all probability he came into our house (he knew the code to get into our garage – which we changed now) – and stole over $200….
My husband texted him and again with the emotional roller coaster of a phone call – telling me he never took the money – but he’d replace the money he did not take cause he’s a bad person. I told him I did not want his money – I just want him to get help. We sent txts back and forth and his final one said he is done with everyone and everything and he just hopes he dies soon. I have no way as of this writing to know if he is alive or not. Until the next roller coaster ride/incident.
I feel (as many of you do) held hostage. I feel like I am on a death watch and I cannot separate my emotion from my logic (I don’t even think I possess reason anymore). I don’t know what to do – I know cutting him off is the thing TO do…I cannot afford a funeral, and I don’t know if my heart can afford losing my son/my baby. I feel like a pariah, like I am the only one who does not ‘get it’ and I don’t feel, short of having him locked up (either in jail or in rehab) that he is going to turn himself around…but of course (regardless of the tenants of AA/NA) he truly does have to want this for himself.
I pray all of you find peace and solace somehow through this cyclone we all seem to be going through. I pray your loved ones find health and healing. Keep talking and don’t turn inwards on yourselves…go get counseling to help you cope and to get access to a support group. I know it’s where I am heading today or tomorrow.
i have read alot of your storys and still don’t know the answers my son has not been cruel or stolen from me and dose not have kids , thank god . but when you put in the mental illness that i truly can’t be sure is just a result of excesive long term drinking ,but that was the start of the cutting, panic, and er trips that i have lost track of the number of times 60+ at least in the last 3years. i just know that if he drinks there is no chance of him making it. there are really no resources for someone like him that he nor his family have no money to help. think that the drugs that they are putting him on are making it worse. there is no way to find out because he dose not go a day with out a drama i.e. drinking or er or mental hospital.
i cry at the loss of the awesome person that he was and that he still wants to be and can’t fine the way to get back. he cries becouse he dose not know how to get back .
god please let him find the way back
My 39 year old son is an addict. He left his 2 year old daughter with his aunt for 3 months so he could get his life straight. Instead he became homeless and took his daughter back so he could get “family shelter) How could he rip her from people who love her and she was finally stable and secure. Mercy House has put them in a hotel for a month. He is using her…she wasn’t the one homeless. He claims he wants to be a Dad…he has 3 older sons that want nothing to do with him. I took to the motel some clothes and food my granddaughter. She was SO happy to see me. I am so scared for my Brianna but legally there is nothing we can do at this point. Son will do drugs again, sleep all day and Brianna will be left to roam the motel room..that is dangerous. I’ve cut son off of money but soon he’ll ask and what can I say when he has Brianna?? He’d probably cut me out of her life!! I’m scared for her. She was finally so happy…how could someone use their own children!!!!
Jeannie,
Can you afford legal help? Maybe you should call protective services – they will take your grand-daughter and she will be safe and then the family can step forward and secure custody – then I would imagine be able to petition the court for full custody.
I am SO sorry for your heartache. Reach out to the authorities there has to be help for your grand-daughter!
Where do you turn to for help? I’ve tried Alanon, but never felt comfortable enough to continue for long. I’m kind of shy and even though I asked about sponsors, I never got anywhere with that. It didn’t take much to get discouraged and quit going. My son has 7 misdemeanors for 3 DUI’s, 1 criminal trespassing, 2 possession of marijuana and 1 for drug paraphernalia. He also has a felony conviction for drug possession. He’s only 32 yrs old, so that’s 8 convictions since he turned 19 (in a 13-yr period). He can’t hold a job even if he can get a job! I can see where an employer might overlook one conviction, but 8?? They’re all related to drugs & alcohol, so there’s no violence, but how could an employer ever trust him? He’s ruining his chances and opportunities for a decent future. Still trying to find a sober house so he can move out of our place.
Jeannie, I agree with CMG. Try calling CPS and see if they will help your granddaughter. I know this puts you in a tough spot, but she’s so young and this is not fair to her. I hope you can get some resolution and feel better about her circumstances.
Oh boy, I share all your pain. I am in the same boat with all of you. My daughter was born premature. She has horrible aniexty and depression most of her life even as a little girl. She cried and had stomach aches everyday when she had to go to school. Always complaining of not feeling well. In her Senior year the counselor called and said she talked with my daughter and my daughter saw no point or happiness in life. If I knew how to make my daughter care I would do it in a heartbeat. She is now 28 living with us. She had started pain pills 5 years ago. Then she got in to meth. She has been arrested 2 times. She has stopped the meth but continues the pills. She just stole some from her Father he just got for prostrate cancer surgery. He has had it with her. He is so angry. We are both tired of it. I feel like a hostage as many of us do as I have a niece die from a drug overdose and I have watched what that has done to my sister let alone my whole family. Sometimes I hate life. It seems so hard. I know I should kick my daughter out but I am sooo very scared she will go back to meth or just plain give up. I lost my Dad at the age of 6 and my Mother at the age of 28. I just feel I could never deal with my daughter although like my Husband says she is dying a slow death with the pain pills anyways.
She has no insurance and we just do not have the money for any kind of help especially with my Husband just having cancer. I feel hopeless.
I have to be honest and say that I did not read all of your posts; so please forgive me if I step on any toes or repeat any advice. What I want to to say,and it came to me after reading the “hit” on Google, while searching for something completely different, but I feel I need to tell you something very important. MY 53 yr old brother, Rick committed suicide on October 16th, 2011. When “victims services” showed up at my door that ugly morning, all I could say was, (please excuse this, but it was the strongest, ugly thing that came to mind)…F__ck! I knew without a word what was to come next. they drove me to my mother’s where my family had gathered. Quite a disfunctional family I might add. All of us, silent, contemplating, ridden with guilt, sad, pissed off, confused, and dreading the upcoming days of not only spending time together, but sorting, and talking, and pushing away any quilt that…”Did I cause this”, was the last phone call, (that I didn’t answer), his final cry for help. My brother had lived with me prior to this but I had what I thought at the time, carried out tough love by asking him to leave. (I found things laying around the house that lead me to believe he was “cooking”. (illegally), I have a 12 year old daughter living with me still, no husband. All my beuatiful children love Uncle Rick- his free spirit, his fun- his willingness to teach, to spend time with mine and his own beautiful girls. But it had been many, many, many years of ups and downs. Rick had in the course of 2 weeks, years ago…lost his home, his family business (in-laws) where my brother worked as a renowned chef and amazing restaurant owner; and his wife of 20 years left him for a man probably 20 years younger. As you can imagine, this was a major blow. It was his wife’s family business, and Rick, his wife and their children were living in the old family home that my brother had lovingly restored with his own creative hands, He was in a place that was almost perfect. That was about 20 years ago, and he never recovered. Oh, he also held a management position in a large newspaper, that decided to downsize management, and in one day, without warning 5 managers were asked for their keys and walked out. (literaly). This was in the same 2 weeks. No joke! So…this gave Rick time to spend with his girls, going to their school events, teaching them cooking, woodworking, the lost art of pioneer living, which my brother adored. He spent time in the forest with the girls, and took advantage of the time with them. Unfortunately, life set in and bills began to come in, Child support was demanded and with 3 children and no job…the back support began to stack up. Some of you may know how this snowballs and you never seem to catch up. rick began to make poor choices and got into drugs and alcohol. (a trait common and widespread in my disfunctional family) (the alcohol part)…From there, he lost all his self esteem. He was devistated, found some letters from his ex wife, and found that she had been having a long time affair. To get ot the ending of this story. We all tried to help, My parents…not so much…they were too disfunctional and only criticized Rick for his life, and gave only with condition. Their way of Tough Love. I have never stopped feeling guilty for not picking up that phone and answering it, but quite honestly…I was having problems of my own,at that moment and just couldn’t deal with anymore sadness. That day!!!!!!! i could have and would have gotten over it. I know it’s not my fault, and I know that Ricky is in a much better place…I find comfort in that. I know he is not beating his head on the wall everyday, trying to get out of this blizzard that started with a simple snowball. My only thing that I wonder if I could have done was tried harder to get him into some sort of LONG TIME program that he could live, and regain that which he had lost. He may have taken money (which I didn’t have), and it may have taken Rick further away from me….But now…I would do anything to have Ricky here with me right now, even if it’s just to say…You are pissing me off, but I love you! So…I know it’s hard for you all and you wanna stop giving, stop enabling, avoid possibly (like I did), stop being there everytime He/She needs you. And that is so normal. It’s hard! But not only are there support groups for our loved ones going through this but their are groups for us who are against a brick wall with no answers anymore. PLEASE…find one. go to your church and don’t be ashamed to ask for help, resources are readily available, I know their is a ministry called forgotten man ministries and another couple prominent ministries that deal with getting these people off the streets and will actually keep them in their community, living with them, all biblically based, and encouraging. Although it is a bit of tough love at first cause addiction, withdrawls, will occur, but in the end….You won’t have “Victim Services” at your door, and you won’t be handed a “suicide letter”. Instead you will receive a letter of gratitude and love for NOT GIVING UP! GIVE GOD YOUR BURDEN AND HE WILL BRING SOMEBODY TO YOUR DOOR STEP SHOWING THE WAY. I will go to my grave feeling like I should have acted on this myself, but I was being too selfish in my own little problematic, busy, chaotic, jumbled, world. But If Ricky was here and well…He would be the first one to step up to the plate and help me! I love you all for the simple fact I empathize and want to enfold all of you in my arms, lifting your burdens and promising you that God or whoever you give your spirit world to….Just do it. Make a call. Don’t get a call!
Lori,
I’m sorry you lost your brother. I don’t believe you were being selfish. I believe you were protecting yourself and your 12 year old daughter from the effects of being around addictive behaviors. Not that losing one person is any better than another, but… you could be writing about losing your daughter if she’d accidentally been around during a “cooking” explosion- which happens frequently around meth. It’s sad when the person who needs the help doesn’t go look for it. We can only do so much for them. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. You made the right decision for your life, unfortunately, he didn’t for his.
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