Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts
February 18th, 2008 |
by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
The conversation began easily enough, “My brother is bleeding our parents into the poor house with his unending demands for money – money to support his addictions – and they don’t seem able to stop giving it to him, even though he isn’t getting any better. What can we do?”
Or we hear from the parents themselves, “How can I get my spouse to stop giving our adult daughter money she just spends on booze or drugs? Her promises are worthless and the demands endless.”
It’s not an uncommon condition. Parents are living longer, some adult children make childishness a career, and it isn’t easy to say no to a son or daughter, regardless of their age. Then add in the grandchildren, hostages held for ransom as your child essentially blackmails you into supporting their drug and/or alcohol abuse: “Give me the money or I will kill myself,” or “they will starve,” or “we’ll be on the streets,” is the implied or actual threat, yet the money does no good.
As parents you capitulate even as you destroy your own fragile financial security. You hand over cash, even though you know it’s useless, often wondering if your child’s problem is something you caused. You post bail, buy cars, pay rent, doctors’ and attorneys’ fees, and pay for treatment that they rarely see through and that usually doesn’t work even when they do. Funds intended to benefit the grandchildren disappear without benefiting anyone. The cycle continues until someone dies or there isn’t anything left to extort. It seems like the only choice.
But is it?
Though it takes toughness that’s hard to muster and support that even harder to find, there are alternatives. It means finding the courage to face the reality without being swept away by understandable emotions. Managing this means overcoming a lot of mythology.
The most destructive belief most of us have held at one time or another is that alcohol and drug abuse is an incurable disease over which the addict or alcoholic has no control. Believing this, how can any parent deny support to a sick child? This is the lever that every active drunk and junkie – and many “recovering” ones as well – use to control everyone around them: “I isn’t my fault and if you don’t give me the money I’ll die.”
The trouble is that drug and alcohol abuse, dependence, and addiction, aren’t really diseases, they’re choices – choices the alcoholic and addict made and continue to make. These choices can be unmade, but as long as you’re supporting them financially, protecting them from the consequences of their choices and behaviors, why would they change?
The answer to that is that they aren’t going to.
Most of us go though our lives wishing someone else would change. The reality is, however, that we can’t change anyone but ourselves. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it’s enough. When you change how you deal with your adult children they too are forced to change. How they change isn’t predictable, but they will change.
These reactive changes are the hard part. Initially they will probably escalate their aggressive behaviors to get you to return to the old status quo, no matter how awful that really was for everyone. That will include using their children to get to you.
And what about those grandchildren?
This is when the need for support comes in. It’s hard to stand up to the drunk or the druggie when they have no restraints on what they will say or do. Endless promises, threats, and blame will follow any interruption in the cash flow. You want to believe the promises, you succumb to the threats, or you cave in to the guilt that the blaming dredges up, no matter how real or ridiculous. But you need to stand firm.
So how do you go about doing what you know is right when everything seems stacked against you?
First it’s necessary to keep in mind what you already know: your child will bleed you dry and out onto the street before they will stop exploiting you. You also know that continuing will never benefit your grandchildren. That’s a fact. Hold onto it. Cut them off and they may in fact decide to die rather than clean up. Instead, begin to plan ways to taper off the support in return for demonstrated progress in cleaning up – and be prepared to either take on the grandchildren yourself or allow someone else to. Make arrangements or contact Child Protection or both. Explore the options.
Second, they can clean up if they are sufficiently motivated and the treatment mode is carefully chosen. That’s a bit of a problem, of course. Virtually all forms of treatment in the U.S. have success rates of less than 10% over two years. AA itself reports a 95% drop out rate in the first year, and most treatment is based on AA.
Third, it really is okay to save yourself and the rest of your family. An almost universally overlooked aspect of the relationship of older parents to adult addicted children is that the financial support actually rewards the child for their self-destructive choices and behaviors while penalizing the parents, other children, and grandchildren. What kind of nonsense is that?
So what’s a parent to do?
Remember that you don’t have to stay stuck in the insanity of the addicted child’s world. You can stay clear and not be sucked down in all of the usual “powerlessness” and “disease” model ad copy that only serves to perpetuate and justify addiction-based exploitation. Drug and alcohol abuse, dependence and addiction are a choice. Sometimes the choice makes sense, sometimes it’s accidental, and sometimes it’s crept up so gradually that no one noticed it for a long time, but it’s still a choice. So is cleaning up.
You can offer to help them sober up. It’s hard to find effective treatment, but you can look for programs with a multitude of options for clients, a diverse staff (not dominated by “recovering” individuals), aftercare that isn’t limited to attending recovery groups, and a focus on the clients strengths, interests, and future activities – not on the past, on drinking and using, or helplessness. Remember that the most common cause of relapse is a belief in powerlessness. Avoid any program that makes that belief part of their philosophy.
Start rewarding yourself and your family for achievements and accomplishments, not for destructive choices and habits and behaviors. You may not be able to keep a son or daughter from destroying themselves, but you and the rest of your family don’t have to go with them.
Finally, it’s good to get competent help in this process. You need to know, regardless of the outcome, that you have done everything possible, given every opportunity, and explored every option. The process of genuinely helping an adult child is difficult at best and outcomes, regardless of advertising copy, are very uncertain. Give yourself, your troubled child, and the rest of your family, the benefit of the best opportunities and support available.
Your addicted adult child is still an adult and will still make their own choices, one of which may be their own destruction. You can encourage and support other outcomes, but not by financing the addictive behaviors. Don’t let yourself be guilt driven, blackmailed, or intimidated into perpetuating the problem.
©Copyright 2008 by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
82 comments so far
As the parent of two small children, this scenario of an adult child addicted to drugs or alcohol is one of my worst nightmares. I know that hind site is 20/20, so what can parents of adult children offer in terms of advice? How can you raise healthy kids that will have the internal strength and motivation to resist caving into the temptations of drugs and alcohol?
Yes, indeed, hind site is 20/20. But, I think just considering this threat when your children are so small is a huge first step. Research confirms for us that talking to your children from a small age about the dangers of addictive substances is key in this battle. Also, making sure they find activities they are good at that increase their self esteem is important. Also, be sure to make time for them that makes them feel special and worthwhile. The best way to combat a future addiction problem is to raise a child up so that he or she will know that there are things better than drugs and alcohol and that they are worth so much more.
I am glad that the author has let parents off the hook when it comes to supporting an adult child who is an addict. So many parents know they should stop supporting their child, but guilt steps in and gets in the way. With blogs such as this one, hopefully parents can start to see that giving an adult child money is enabling the child and his or her addiction. Real help comes in the form of ceasing financial support. And, the author’s suggestion to call social services is a sound one. If grandparents are willing to take the grandchildren and can provide a secure home environment, they are almost certain to receive guardianship.
I like the author’s reference to the pay off addicts receive when someone gives them money. I have had more addicts tell me they didn’t have to quit b/c they didn’t have a reason to. They were having all of their needs met while still being able to drink and drug. Sometimes, well intentioned parents can be the enemy.
I appreciate the comments and will address these issues in up-coming posts and articles. For now, it’s very important to have accurate information and to share it with children. The best source currently available is the SUNY site “Alcohol Problems and Solutions” which can be found at www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/ It’s also important to teach responsibility for behaviors and consequences and to protect children from counter-productive programs like D.A.R.E. which have been repeatedly demonstrated to increase drug and alcohol use in adolescents.
Thanks again for the thoughts,
Mary Ellen
As an alcohol & drug counselor and psychotherapist who often deals with family members of people with addicitons, I found Mary Ellen’s article to contain a great deal of good sense and helpful suggestions. Realizing that we can’t change anyone’s behaviors but our own can be a giant leap forward for the codependent family member.
I would pose a two-part response to Lyle’s question about raising children who aren’t likely to become addicts. There is a genetic component to addiction, so that if there are addicts in the family (parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles), it raises the probability that a person will develop an addiciton if they use drugs or alcohol. This part can’t be helped, but it can be minimized by family members who educate their children to the propensity to addiciton in the family by such actions as telling them about relatives, not having alcohol use as a centerpiece of family gatherings, seeing family members who have successfully participated in recovery. The other significant factor in predisposing a person to an addiciton (which could be something other than drugs or alcohol) would be a sense of emptiness and the feeling that the significant people in their lives (particularly parents) cannot be counted on. This begins in infancy. No parent can meet their child’s expectation 100% of the time! (To paraphrase Donald Winnicott, a pediatrician who became a psychoanalyst, one just has to be a “good enough” parent.) But the child must have the general sense that their cries (signifying wants & needs) will be heard and responded to in usually meaningful manner. This acknowledgement & sense that the world can be trusted expands to being supported and loved for what the child is, not what the parent thinks they should be; for example, allowing the child to explore playing a musical instrument (if that’s what they express interest in) instead of insisting that they play sports.
Becoming an addict may or may not be a choice. BUT whether or not a person does something about it once they realize they are an addict, IS a choice.
As Mary Ellen’s private practice partner, and sometimes co-author, I will note that the issue of addiction “running in families” should always be handled very carefully. The increased risk actually seems to be about 6%,and most of that can be explained environmentally as well as genetically, but, the self-fulfilling prophacy (and excuse) risk is very high indeed. The number one factor in relapse is a belief in “powerlessness” and anything, including a belief in unfounded genetic links increases both the likelihood of abuse and resistence to remediation.
Yes, a family history, just like a cultural history, increases risk, but this shouldn’t be exacerbated using it as justification. If anything it should reduce the excuses by warning individuals about their possible vulnerability.
And, of course, people should be equally educated with regard to the proven health benefits of moderate alcohol consumption. Everyone benefits when the demonization of alcohol ceases and realty replaces mythology. Would that more of that were happening these days.
Dr. Wilson’s comments are very important. While there is increased risk of dependency when there is a family history of this (the genetic dimension) it is NOT a 1:1, 100% issue nor is it even like eye color. The increased risk is notable, but it is still less than 10%. In a similar vein, the general risk of schizophrenia is about 1%, but if you have schizophrenic parents, the risk goes up by a factor of ten (sounds bad), but that only means a 10% risk…and, of course, there are environmental factors to consider as well.
This is a very helpful article and an excellent blog thread.
I am so glad to see the comments that this does not necessarily “run in families” but that it may well be more along the lines of self fulfilling prophecies. But that then turns the table on the addicts and takes away their excuse for why they do what they do.
My grrandparents have been the victim of a shameless alcoholic family member and child of theirs, and they continue to give and give and give yet get nothing in return. How do you teach this older generation about tough love and that money in this case will never buy sobriety?
Our late daughter became addicted to marijuana & prescribed medications.
As a child & young adult her life was full of promise.
She was involved with Scouting & many other not for profit groups. She was full of energy & idealism and worked hard to achieve graduate & post graduate degrees.
We were always careful to make sure our daughter stayed connected to the family and were mindful of the issues surrounding “enabling”.
We were helpless, the medical professionals treating our daughter would not listen (quoting privacy laws) and we slowly watched our wondeful child who had so much to give, lose control of her life & ability to make sound judgements.
She died aged 31 in 2006.
Where do the broken hearted go to be listened to?
Dear Jill,
What a very sad story. I am so sorry for you and your family. Your loss is profound. Where to go? I’d strongly urge you to find a person you can talk with about your loss, pain, anger, and saddness.
Dear Jill,
Yours is a heartbreaking situation. Losing a child is very hard, and seeing it coming and being unable to stop it is hardest of all. I too would recommend counseling with someone experienced in both grief and cognitive behavioral therapy.
My sympathies lie with you,
Ed Wilson
Jill,
I find your story heartbreaking, and can particularly understand your frustration in feeling helpless. My 26 year old is also addicted to narcotic pain killers, denying the problem and making frightening choices. I am also at wits end with the medical profession in that even physicians who know he has a problem continue to prescribe the drugs. When he is hospitalized, they will not communicate with us or sometimes even let us see him because of privacy laws. Thank you for sharing this-letting people know how the lack of support from the med. profession may have been contributed to your loss. Our son also was a gifted child, we knew all his friends and their families until high school when it became harder to do that. My heart goes out to you. I hope your have the support you need.
Thanks to everyone who comments on this site.I have a 39 year old daughter in jail who has always been a very difficult person to help.Very Low frustration level, maybe ADD and a strong personality were all aided and abbeted by my broken marriage ,my immature single parenting and an absent father. I kept trying to stave off disaster by providing money because I felt she was fragile or incapable of caring for herself. I admit to all of these failures but I always loved her and misguidedly intervened too many times to save her,give her a new start etc.I know now love is not enough. I did not have the experiences or knowledge to be a good guide.
Today I fear for my own safety due to her level of rage.Yes she has made choices and yes I have not helped to guide her as she needed but what do you do when you are emotionally still a baby and you have a baby .
At this point after thousands of dollars, a horrifying intervention attempt involving a specialist and her two best friends and too many heartbreaking conversations,I feel the need to save myself and other family members .Can I be forgiven. I do not know.
I have been searching for a “parent support” group per se, my 23 y/o son is a recent heroin addict. He is currently in a part-time evening program which I’m not convinced is doing what he needs. I read your blog and completely agree reagarding us as parents enabling him to continue. He is living at home, so we are in a way supporting him-he eats, sleeps, showers and does his own laundry here-we offer him no spending money, he tells me he begs for gas money. I feel that he is motivated for recovery but his girlfriend (she’s 28) who is a long-time addict is still in the picture. He had never used before being involved with her, when he met her she was clean. I’m not blaming her, his using was his choice. I asked him if it meant that he had to give her up for a while to get better, would he-his answer was no, so I’m not convinced that this will work for him. I believe as long as he remains with her, he doesn’t have a chance at recovery. I am angry that he has chosen this route. Where can parents go to get the support for this? There are all kinds of AA/NA support groups for addicts, but I can’t find support for us and his siblings.
Frankly, there aren’t any good support groups for families. Those that do exist tend to follow the AA/NA model (Alanon) but have the same problems as AA/NA – a misguided model and focus. The best we have come up with is to remember to detatch from a situation you didn’t create, can’t fix and can’t control. Set clear limits with your son and set clear deadlines for eliminating support and keep them (i.e., don’t set conditions you won’t stick to). Frequently we play the role of intermediary so you may want to look for someone to fill that position. Also, look at the materials available at http://www.threeminutetherapy.com and see what applies to your situation. Feel free to call us as well.
Many parents I see have found Alanon to be very helpful and supportive. While it is primarily for the family members of alcoholics, I do think you too will find it very helpful. If you call your local United Way they can give the tele number for the local Alanon or AA office that you can then call to get schedule and location information. You may want to go to several different groups as each one tends to have its own “personality” and you may need to go to several until you find one that fits for you.
regards
Art
This is the saddest website. Parents and loved ones seeking solace because of a lost loved-one.
What is the answer.Who knows. My beloved daughter died recently. It was a natural death, I guess, that’s what the cororner said anyway . She was not speaking to me, because she did not want to listen to me about the choices she was making. I can’t really tell you how badly that hurts. I know tough love is the way to go but sometimes you have to pay with guilt. I just know she wasn’t well, she loved me very much,and i don’t know how I can bear life wihout my sweet girl. I have to remember the daughter she was before the addiction took her from me. Even then, I love her more than words or pain can say.
She was onyl 39 years old.
This site is making me face the fact that I am enabling my daughter (25) she finished an in house program about 3 months ago. When she came out she moved to a new city, got a new job tried to get new friends. I don’t know really how she is doing, other then the fact that she is not keeping up with her bills and it seems like an endless effort to help. She wants to come home and I don’t know how to say no. My Husband and I are well off and planning a trip with our other younger daughter to celebrate her graduation from highschool she is totally different from our older daughter. My 25 year old makes us feel so guilty about the trip. She had such a promising future now shes just so angery all the time. I don’t know if she is using but I just feel that something is not right. When I question her she gets really mad and tells me she is fine. I love her so much and want her to do well.
Jessie,
If you feel that something is not right, it probably isn’t. You have to make the decision to enable her or to cut her off. It is a lose, lose situation, i’m afraid. I hope she is doing better, by now. If she is, you will know in your heart, otherwise, pray for her.
I feel like I could have written several of the comments on this website. My 29 year old wonderful son (before the addiction), a college graduate, was arrested again tonight. Just hours before the arrest, I once again had the delusion that he was clean. I have enabled, I have tried, I have cried, and I have failed. One of the comments above is so true: lose/lose. He has lost so much, and my family has lost my son to the ravages of the drug epidemic in this county. Maybe we parents of addicts need a “bailout” ourselves. I KNOW that I do. Remember the “War on Drugs”? I do believe that we have lost that war. Tough Love? Yes it is. The person who wants to teach very young children makes me feel so guilty, because I took it for granted that my children would know better. What an idiot I was and am!
That this is a common tragedy is demonstrated by the continuing stream of readers both here and in other places where we’ve published variations on this article – including Australia where it’s been reprinted as a social services handout.
But that doesn’t fix anything, unhappily. Nor did the “War on Drugs” or various other approaches, nor does “treatment” which, in the U.S., is still obsessed with cult mentalities, discredited disease models, and being satisfied with a less than 5% efficacy rate.
What does work? Occasionally we are able to work with families as a whole because drug and alcohol abuse always occur within a context, and the abuse is always a choice on the part of the user. That is the devistatingly obvious flaw in most approaches to abuse and dependence, the idea that the person using the drugs or abusing alcohol is “powerless” over their “addiction”. This is simply nonesense.
But so-called “addicts” and their apologists have succeeded in spreading this myth far and wide until most people have come to accept it. And that means that people continue to support the drug/alcohol abuse with the result that the addict/alcoholic has absolutely no reason to change their behavior. Hand me $8,000 a month, as one recent couple was, and I will hardly change a life style that’ll actually require me to be responsible for myself.
What can work? Weaning the person off of their access to financial support, frequently with third party support, and meaning it. Refusing to be blackmailed, emotionally or otherwise. Refusing to provide money to an addict if you aren’t giving equal amounts to your other children. Better yet, give to the others and let the addict know that getting their share depends on cleaning up first.
Other ideas? Remember that drug and alcohol use and abuse are always choices that the abuser is making and they are choices that can be changed. Stop rewarding the use and abuse.
Our sympathy to all of you – we have been on both ends of this problem and understand the frustrations, hurt, anger, and, yes, dispair. But while you are not able to control the outcomes, you aren’t powerles to make changes that can result in the best chances of favorable change in your son or daughter.
Thank you to those that created this website – I am a mother of a 30 year old I.V. methodone addict who has been using this oral form of medication to inject into her body, she has chosen to do this for the last 7 years although it feels like forever. The saddest thing about this for me at this incrediable burnt out moment in time is the fact that she is raising a child. A child who I love and adore and the carnage is hofific. Yes I have had legal custody, those of you who will understand know that I have exhausted every avenue of help and hope and am emotionally financially and psychologically burnt out. I read other peoples stories and instantly understand, especially the quote “Fear for my own saftey because of her level of rage”.
I do not mean to take away from others grief but sometimes I think that death would be easier to deal with. I live in a nightmare. She also has a mental health diagnosis: Mood disorder. Of course the drugs and she is a poly addict, accentuate this condition.
I have had custody of my grandaughter but the love and loyalty and disfunction is such that she prefers to be with her mother as the roles in this relationship are reversed, the child does the parenting.
At this point in my life I am selling my home in this recession and moving countries to get away from this madness. I will always have a safe home for my grandaughter to come to should she wish that wherever I am in the world
I dont even expect to be happy anymore, I just want some peace in my life.
I am a widowed mother of 3. My youngest, in his 30s is my concern. I have read this with a view to him that he is not necessarily addicted to drugs, but perhaps, addicted to video games. He is a college grad., has been unemployed for a year, and not making much effort to find employment. Now living in my basement, he spends his time playing video games and is very good at “working” me. When I express my concerns, he argues that there are no jobs for him. I have already had to refinance my mortgage in order to pay for a college loan that I co-signed for him.
Do I get “on him” about all I’ve done for him? Do I make threats of throwing him out of the house?
Where can I get help in dealing with this issue? If you can direct me I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
It will not do any good to get on him. Get tough. good luck
Unhappily, as we have noted, your options are limited and talking won’t help – only actions will suffice.
We would suggest that while there are some factors in common with addiction, this is much more apt to be a case of avoiding growing up. Apparently he went from sheltered home to sheltered college back to burrowing in at “home” again. Regardless, his behavior is still a choice on his part.
Time to ramp down the support. Set some deadlines for contributing or leaving.
We don’t know where you are so it’s difficult to suggest specific resources but feel free to write us directly for more information.
Thank you very much for your input. Sometimes, especially as a single parent, it’s hard to trust my own instincts. If his father was alive I don’t think he would put up with his “failure to launch” nor would he have allowed two extra years of college because he was failing subjects.
He was diagnosed at age 9 as “classic ADD” and perhaps I’ve babied him because of it.
I will be talking with a counselor next week – a man, in order to get a male perspective – and that may help. However your responses have also been very helpful. Again, thank you.
You’re very welcome and if you’d like to call next week and talk to one of us we each have a lot of experience, some of which may apply. At least you’d have someone more to talk to.
Ed’s usually available by phone until; 8:00 p.m. Monday and Tuesday evenings for free consults.
Sorry to take so long getting back to you. Don’t know that I’m getting the “practical” advise I need with the counselor I spoke to.
Please let me know how I can reach you by phone – that is, time zone and phone number.
Thank you.
I am so glad to have found this web site. I to have a 26 year old daughter who I am certain is on drugs. She was doing fine until a year ago. All the sudden she could no longer afford to pay her bills, buy groceries, etc.
We let her move into one of our rentals and she was doing fine until around Christmas. She had all kinds of excusses why she could not pay her rent. We let it slide because she is our daughter that is having a hard time. Then, she just quit going to work all the while being reminded by us that her rent was past due over and over again. Then, she spent her tax money and unemployment checks on laptops, etc. and almost $3500.00 gone! Still no rent, no groceries, no electricity, etc. Her behavior is irrational, loosing weight, I found drugs in her apartment and THEN offered help in rehab or move. She did nothing so I served her a 3 day notice to move. She is now staying in a motel room. She has called me repeatedly to help her financially and I won’t until she agree’s to rehab. I did supply some groceries two days ago just to find out that she shared them with her low life drug friends… My heart is breaking as a parent and I’m finding it harder and harder to practice tough love but know I must. The last straw was yesterday when she got into a car accident and had her car that WE gave her totalled. It was discovered she had no insurance, no current registration and once again asking only for help and money. I declined both and again only offered help with rehab. She called me stupid for thinking she is on drugs and some other very painful comments. One would think these painfull words alone would help me to stay strong and not enable her but my heart is still breaking and am fighting the desire to help her since she will be kicked out of her motel at noon tomorrow. How do I stop my heart from breaking? I hate to see my own child homeless but know she must learn from her actions. If anyone has words of hope it would really be appreciated right now.
We understand the heart ache, and the heartbreak.
Unhappily, most of us have this underlying belief that there is a good choice in all situations – something that will make things right or better or okay. But experience teaches us that all to often we are left with the least awful of a lot of lousy choices.
When these time appear, as they have for you, we are stuck with looking at the alternatives. Obviously your daughter isn’t going to change her behavior as long as she can avoid it – no matter the cost to her. You don’t, however, compound the problem by supporting her at an ever increasing cost to you, a cost which merely helps her to dig herself into an ever deeper hole.
It really does help – albeit only slightly – to remember that she has no interest in changing at this point in time. That doesn’t mean that the time won’t come when she will decide that drugs and motels aren’t all that great a life.
It might help to call and talk to one of us and we are usually available Monday – Friday or read additional notes for families on our website.
Again, you have our support with a very very difficult situation.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. This is just what I need during this difficult time, someone who know’s what I’m going thru.
Today was another very difficult day. After loosing sleep last night over our daughters situation, hating the fact that I MUST be strong and not enable her any more and also realizing that although I must be strong with/for her, I must also allow myself the time to grieve. As most of you probably know only to well, it is such a feeling of loss and uncertainty right now. I find my emotions going up and down. My fear that I may loose her forever is almost to much to handle. My husband has reminded me that we must step back and allow her to get to a point of her asking for help and although I do realize this in my mind, I wish I could realize this in my heart.
I now realize that my daughters hatred and anger towards me are because I chose early on to not believe her lies and have pointed this out to her when she would call for money. Maybe I should have been like the rest of my family and just shut up and not said anything except that I would not help her but I just could not bring myself to listen to her obvious lies and not comment back. I have learned since that I must make any phone conversations with her short and sweet and to the point. No more calling her on her lies, just say no to her request and let it go. It has actually gotten to the point to where I have chose not to even answer the phone when I see it’s her calling and not respond to any of her constant text messages. It makes it easier to not hear any more sob stories or lies and just let it go. I have made it very clear that the only help I will give her is rehab. I just hope that message sticks with her when/if the time comes that she realizes she needs it and wants it.
Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
I received a call last night from my 25 year old son. He was crying and told me that he needed help. He has been on and off drugs and alcohol since the age of 15. My son has a heart condition and I am so afraid of getting that call. What can we do to help him? I am 50 years old and have a 16 year old daughter living at home with us. I desperately need some help. He has tried to kill himslef once and is trying to change his ways.
Monique,I truly feel your heartache. In my own situation I have had that same call from my daughter on more occasions than I can almost take. On the last call she made to me with this threat I told her I was calling 911 to get her the help she needed since she had denied my help in getting her to a Psych. My medical training has always taught me to take suicide threats very seriously so of course I did with my own child. I was totally shocked when her entire story changed after I said I was calling 911, so much so that it almost floored me. To date I have not received another call from her regarding that subject. She had cut her wrist in her late teens and I did the same thing… called 911 and got her into counseling so I believe she knew I was serious about calling. Luckily, when she did cut her wrist it was a superficial scrape but the undertones of her actions made me realize that she needed help. Most people who have existing mental disorders, the use of drugs or alcohol only amplify the disorder. I consider myself lucky that to date, her threats appear to be just that… a threat following my denial of money.
It was difficult to get her help then and even more difficult to do this now when our children are grown and can make decisions for themselves. We can’t force them to get help unless we have a court order and it leaves us to have no choice but to call 911 so they can be checked out and if the police feel they are unstable, they can do a 51/50 lockup for their own safety and hopefully get them the help they need. My feelings on this is that in my own situation, I felt that if a third party went in there such as the police, if nothing else they would find her under the influence or the drugs in her posession and she could be taken to jail for that alone. Although I don’t want to see my child in jail, for me, it was far better a choice than to possibly have her really go through with her threat. If the police intervene, a judge can also give a court order for them to go to rehab while on probation and if caught with drugs or alcohol while on probation, they are in violation and can go back to jail.
Although this choice was what I felt most comfortable with it may not be for everyone.
My prayers are with you in this most difficult time.
Thank you so much for your input Ruthie. I talked to my son today and he sounded much better, I know that he is trying to get clean. He told me today that he has got to get his life together. I also told him that I am here for him when he needs to talk, but I would not send him money for drugs or alcohool. He said that it was up to him to get better and he promised me that he would get better. I also told him to live in the moment and not in the past or the future. When he said goobye to me and said that he loved me, I know that the day will come for him to be better. I also told him that we loved him and that would never change but I would not be the one bying his drugs, he did not want money he said and just before hanging up he said again that I love you and I will change.
Monique,
I am very glad to hear that your son realizes he is in need of help and has the desire to get clean. That’s a major start. I know first hand how difficult it is to hear your child crying and upset. As a parent it breaks our hearts. Although we must be strong as parents it does not mean we don’t hurt. My last conversation with my daughter involved me being strong and telling her that the only help I would offer her was rehab and holding firm to that but, strong or not, once I hung up the phone I cried my heart out. Not only does it hurt that we must see or hear our children in this situation but also the hurtfull words they can say to us . I try to find peace in my heart knowing that I have planted the seed that we would help her into rehab once she makes the choice that she wants to change but I am still waiting for that call that she is indeed ready. It can’t come soon enough for me. I want my daughter back and our family whole again.
I wish you the best with your son and hope that all works out well for you and your family. As difficult as it is, we must all continue to hold hope that things will change for the better.
Take care.
I am the mother of a 22-year-old addict, and a 20-year-old with mental health problems. I won’t tell their stories now – you could just photo-copy all these parents’ stories, we are all so much alike. There are more common denominators than differences.
I am working on the detachment, I am not enabling, I am protecting my relationship with my husband and also guarding our finances. I know there is not much more I can do. What I need now is some HOPE. What are the common denominators in the people who do recover long-term?
Right now, I have almost no hope. I think if I had a glimmer of hope, and maybe knew something I could do that would be positive, life would be more tolerable.
Thanks!
Hi Dawn,As I’m sure most of us parents of Children addicted have done, I have read so many statistics, reports, etc. to find just the same answer. Some say alot depends on what drugs they are on, etc. but from what I have read and seen first hand, it tends more to be their desire to be free from the disease that matters the most. We all hear that someone must reach “rock bottom” before they are willing to get help and yet again, in my own situation I have seen my daughter hit what I would consider “rock bottom” on several occasions but still not asking/willing to get help. What gets me thru my own situation is that I use my best friends husband as an example. He was an alcoholic for years who had been in and out of jail over a span of several decades. We all knew the “real” person he was when he was not drinking but little hope was held that he would ever change. All of the sudden, one day, he just made a conscience decision that he was not going to do that anymore and got into some very intense counseling. When I had questioned him once about this, his response to me was that he finally realized that he needed to deal with his “ghost”. He had experiences in his life that he couldn’t deal with and found it easier to just escape by drinking. All those years he had been running instead of dealing and it got him no where. That was almost 10 years ago now and we have the wonderful friend back that we always knew was there. When I start to feel very discouraged about my situation, I call him. He has been a rock of not only support but hope as well. I’ve seen first hand that it CAN happen! I am a true believer that no one can do this alone. My belief system is that anyone that makes the decision to change needs counseling along with medical supervision to make the transition back into the real world as easy as possible. Dealing with whatever they are running from is a MUST in my book. While in my own situation I found it hard to believe that our daughter would have anything to run from since I feel we gave her the best life possible, the reality of it is that I truly don’t know what all she has gone thru in her life. She has put herself in some very bad situations and God only knows where that took her. She spent her teen years running away and trying to grow up too fast and I really don’t know what could have or did happen during that time period. This is where as a parent we want to just reach out and hug them and let them know that they can talk to us about anything and we will try to make it all better but if their running from their own mind, only they can make it all better with the help of a good therapist that they can talk with open and honestly and feel no guilt or shame in expressing their feelings and experiences with. Also, no matter if its drugs or alcohol someone is using, the need for medical supervision is a must. Detox from any of these substances can be life threatning and they need to be detoxed gradually to avoid any serious side effects of quiting.
I believe there is always hope and we must hang on to that hope. I would be lying if I said I don’t get sad and hurt and all the other feelings we parents have when we see our children going through this but to give up hope would just bring us down even more than we already are. Again, in my own situation I have found this easier to do once I distanced myself from my daughters problems and just put the message out to her that we will get her help once she is ready and will not help her with anything but that.
My heart truly feels for you at this time but I want to encourage you to keep the hope alive. I have seen first hand that it can happen.
Take care.
Talked to my son on Wednesday, he told me that he has been going to his meetings and is also in contact with his sponsor. It is a big relief to me and his dad and sister. He also told me that he went to put the money down at a College so that he can continue his education and wants to be able to help others in the future. I told him that we will support him with this decision and would pay for his education but the money would go directly to the college and he was happy with that. Is it a bad thing or am I enabling him again?? I just want him to be happy. I love my son so much and have been through so much with him? He is so kind and thoughtful to other people and has such a big heart. I hope that he means it and that I can go to sleep at night and not worry and cry myself to sleep.
Monique,
I’m so glad to hear that your son is getting the help he needs. I’m happy for you and your family. I’m not sure if it is enabling your son by paying for his education since the money would be going directly to the school but I do think you should be able to stay in contact with his counselor and make sure he goes. If for some reason he stops, you can then have him drop the classes by the designated date so you can get a refund of your money.
This will require alot of work on your part. Besides paying for the units there is also books, etc. to consider. These items will need to be purchased as well and as you said, you will not give him the money directly which means you will need to be there with him to purchase the materials for him if he can’t do it himself. If he’s working or has some source of income, maybe you could come to some understanding that you will pay for the untis while he pays for the materials?
I do hope that he starts off slow since his recovery should be first and foremost. Having too much responsibility and stress in his life could lead to the same old habit of escape again… As all college grads know, the studying, test and finals can be quite stressfull. I would like to think that his sponsor will remind him of this so he takes it slow at the start.
He has made the right start by going to his meetings and staying in touch with his sponsor and this makes me very happy for not only him but your family as a whole. I wish you and your family the best.
As for my situation, my daughter is coming over tomorrow for Easter dinner. I was surprised she wanted to come over since she was so angry at me for calling her out on her addiction and my suggestion of rehab but, if she wants to be here as part of the family for the holiday, I will welcome her with open arms. Although I must be strong, I am still a parent who wants my child to know that no matter what, I will always love her. On a brighter note, she has gotten her job back and is working just limited hours so she can attend her counseling and also just purchased a new/used car. Although I can’t dwell on the past, my regret is that I didn’t put my foot down sooner and step out of the enabling picture and force her to do things on her own. I won’t dwell on the past or the could have, should have’s, would have’s and just continue to move forward from here. Good or bad each new day is an opportunity for a brighter future. Some days are better than others but my hope continues on no matter what.
Happy Easter.
In reading and writing about all of the difficult situations parents face with their drug and alcohol abusing children – children of all ages – it is also heartening to read about those of you who have seen posative changes. It’s easy to forget that many people do in fact leave their self-destructive behaviors behind.
Part of the on-going problem remains, however. There is so much mythology that has been peddled as fact that it’s hard to know what to believe. “Bottoming out” is one such myth. This one is based on the equally false notion that drug and alcohol abuse are “progressive diseases.”
Equally unfounded notions include the idea that abuse and addiction are diseases – certainly abuse isn’t – and that most current treartment programs are effective – they aren’t. The vast majority of treatment regimens are counter-productive – creating and justifying more abuse than they end.
What does work? Unhappily, nothing works predictably. It simply isn’t possible for one of us to change another’s behavior. But we can support posative change (paying for college directly to the college is an excellent example) and refuse to mitigate negative consequences.
Another important possibility is to do your own research – real research, not treatment program marketing hype. You can find links to independent research on our website and learn what actually does work. You can also find help on this site, listings of professionals who do real treatment for real people.
Behavior change is a difficult process, and most of us don’t start until we feel sick enough of how we’re living to take a chance on the possibility of an unknown but better future.
Remember that drugs and alcohol do provide predictable and effective short term relief and that switching to a long term perspective is hard – as any smoker knows.
But successful change is possible, even likely, with the right information, assistance, and willingnes to wait – hard as that is.
Remember, most drug and alcohol abusers do “age out” of their misuse.
So, again, beware of false promises, myth based “powerless lifelong recovery”, and other indications that you are being “sold”, not helped.
Thanks, everyone. I feel strength in the fact that I am not alone in this. I also feel dismay that the problem is so widespread.
This is the most painful situation I can fathom, and I appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me.
Ruthie I had an EXACTLY same situation to yours, dot in dot, but my daughter is 27 and now she also joined escort service. What else could be worse? If you wish to contact me, it would be my pleasure to share my experience and to listen to yours.
I do not agree with some of you here. Talking about genetics addiction etc. that’s (in my opinion) it is a complete nonsense. Neither I or my wife we have never ever (and not our parents, or grandparents) taken any substances at all. We’ve immigrated about 20 years ago to the US from one of the country in Eastern Europe. Our life values and traditions are quite different then what our daughter has had learn here. Her complete education (including some private schools) was done here in the US. We (in on the other hand got our degrees in Europe). Someone might ask what that has anything to do with the described above situation. It does a lot! In my opinion and I highlight that in my personal opinion the ones who should be blame for a fate of our children are:
• The government itself. Why? Because of lack of a real and true engagement in the life of those young souls. In the US there are many restrictions but almost NOTHING done to show them (the young people) the alternatives. The US is maybe…and again maybe the strongest military power in the world, but at the same time its people are very isolated, misinformed and having problems with social interaction. So called American Dream is just a simple utopia and propaganda that fits well an so called élite, but just looking at the statistical data taken from many European countries, it is obvious that the quality of life over there I higher than in here. That Dream was a true reality maybe 50 or 70 years ago, but not now.
• The schools and the whole educational system. I’ve watched my daughter progress in school and she was one the best students through the whole education circle, but I’ve seen so many (in my opinion) poor methods of teaching here. Besides the methods themselves, there is lack of discipline, lack of real competition (because it is too stressful for students = nonsense), lack of justified distribution of funds and much more. For instance those who are good with let’s say football are financially rewarded, others are not. That’s completely wrong!
• Media = propaganda. American news are not really news at all, but “smart” prepared feed for masses. I’ve seen that before and I am resistant to that type of “information”, but millions are not and are easily manipulated.
• Way of so called: “American Life”. Teaching our children that we’re the best, strongest, richest and the rest doesn’t count will create isolationism, pompousness, arrogance and in the long run enemies. Openness, understanding, respect, tolerance and proper cultural exchange, on the other hand will create much larger and on the bigger scale richness to all of us in every aspect of life.
I do apologize any of you who might be insulted by my remarks. Some of you may ask, if I don’t agree with all that, why am I living here? And my answer to that is: I’m already making plans to go back to Europe.
Summarizing this (in my opinion) this is what can be done to protect future generation. Shield them VERY GOOD, talk to them a lot, read them even more (forget about TV), teach them tradition and values in life, have discipline and be consequent. That doesn’t mean to beat them up, but have strict rules that have to follow. Travel with them all over the World (if possible), show them different cultures and values, show them how other nation live, teach them other languages (very, very important).
How many languages you know – that many times you are a person said Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Good luck to all of you.
I am the mother of a 25 year old daughter who is addicted to drugs (I don’t know which kind, but there are several), alcohol and gambling. To say the past 7 years have been hell is to put it lightly other than the year she stayed sober while she was pregnant with our grandchild (thank God). Our grandson who is now 4 is with his father.
J has been in and out of our home for a couple of years now. For the last 3 weeks I don’t know where she has been. We have had contact via texting and phone calls. We do pay the $10 a month for a mobile phone because I just can’t stand not to have some link.
She says she wants inpatient rehab. She has no insurance of course (she hasn’t worked in over a year) and wants us to pay for a private facility. She has never been in any rehab programs and while we are not poor, we are not wealthy by any means. I am trying to get her to try state funded or sliding scale programs at least for this first time and am getting a lot of “you don’t love me” and “my friend’s parents have done this for them”. I don’t know what is right. We have tried to temper the “tough love” with being helpful but this is new territory. I don’t want to make her worse, but I don’t want to be an enabler either. I feel like this is something she will have to for the most part do on her own. Am I way off base?
Like many other unexpected addicts, this is a young woman who was a high school honor student, who held down TWO part time jobs, who had a BRIGHT future ahead of her. I don’t know what happened, but it is all wrong now. We also have a son who is getting ready to graduate from university next month. Whatever happened to J did not happen to our son, so I just don’t know what to think.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you, Janet
It’s always very difficult to decide what to do, and where to draw the line. It’s especially so when there is, as always, too little information to go on. But there are a few realities:
1) those who are motivated to change usually manage it;
2) those who expect others (parents, friends, employer, counslors) to invest in them first rarely accomplish anything;
3) pick rehab carefully – since she is bright and capable her best shot will be at a place that values that and builds on it – not any of the usual AA/NA based places that disparage intelligence and independence;
4) long term residential is usually counterproductive – the drug abuse has developed in context and will only be fixed in context (not that a change in geography isn’t helpful and even recommended);
5) additionally, she didn’t consult you about becoming a drug/alcohol abuser – and it was her choice – so she doesn’t have a lot of room to demand particular placements.
6) watch out for anyone pushing the long debunked “disease” model or who pushes “powerlessness.” Smart users quickly learn to use these false concepts to manipulate their families.
Otherwise?
If she is actually motivated and invested she will succeed. There are usually some fits and starts along the way, but it’s more than possible.
To educate yourself, pick up a copy of Changing For Good so that you will better understand how real change occurs and not be misled by rehab sales reps.
Read through the Smart Recovery website.
Good luck to you, and to her.
Janet,
please see the text from Mary Ellen and Ed.
In my own situation I contacted the County and found avail. help when/if my daughter ever decides to go. If there is no income such as in both our daughters situations, there is no charge (so i’ve been told). I have gone so far as to get the necessary info for her if she wants it but I won’t make the call for her or pay thousands of dollars either (in California where I live the cost of rehab can go as high as $10,000.00). During my own research I found that Counseling and Psych was also avail. at no charge to my daughter due to her income and this is something she has been doing for the past several weeks now or should I say, since we cut off the money supply and the help. For her, finding a good counslor/Psych has helped with alot of her issues . Again, I gave her the info but did not make the call for her; this was for her to do if she truly wanted it.
I also think that if they WANT to change then they will. No one can make that choice for them although I wish it was that easy.
My daughter did come over for Easter and we had a wonderful visit.
We to have another daughter who was an honor student. At the age of 14 she wanted a pair of $160.00 shoes and when we refused, she got her work permit that same week so I hired her in my office to earn the money she wanted for those shoes. That was the last pair of expensive shoes she ever bought! I still chuckle inside when she shows me a new pair of shoes that she is happy with that she bought at Walmart :)
My point is that children are just like any other person we would meet… all individuals with thoughts of their own. Their choices are THEIR choices.
I can’t tell you how liberating it has been to say no to our oldest daughter. It is such a tremendous weight lifted off our shoulders. At Easter, I couldn’t help but notice that she had her nails professionally done along with new highlights in her hair. In the past I would have been furious that she could spend money she didn’t have to get this done but at Easter, I said nothing because I know I won’t be there to pick up the pieces when her rent is due or car payment and she dosen’t have the money. These are HER choices, right or wrong and I hope that she learns along the way.
As for the drugs, she still denys it even after I found her with it several weeks ago but, as I have explained to her, I will be happy to talk with her about anything but money issues and when she is ready for help, I have the info avail. but I will not bring it up to her again. I planted the seed and realize thats all I can do.
John, I do believe what you say as far as “genetics”. My family and my husbands family are from another country and both our families, including ourselves have spent our lives trying to better ourselves to be able to have a better life for us and our children. THAT is the American dream. Our belief is that our parents left their country to come to America where jobs were more avail. and the opportunity to work IF that’s what your desire was. I can’t imagine NOT taking advantage of that opportunity. We have always instilled hard work and education in our children as did our parents. Maybe that’s why it blows my mind that our daughter would rather be homeless, no groceries and yet would rather sit around and get high on drugs rather than take total advantage of the opportunities that not only are avial. but that she had at one point. I thought after her teens years were behind her that maybe she had learned a lesson and would never want to go back to that way of life but i guess I was wrong. That’s the sad part. I see so much potential in her. She is so caring and giving and just has the kindest heart but does not seem to care that much about herself. This is what I wanted her to get counsling for. I want her to know how precious she really is and feel that away about herself. To have self worth and self esteem and to respect herself and her body.
As one parent to others… God bless us all and our children.
Hi Janet,
I am sorry to hear of the situation with your daughter (and, of course the similarly-difficult situations of the other parents who have posted here). Since you have asked a specific question for advice on rehab programs, and this is something I have a great deal of experience with (as a counselor who works with adults who have substance use problems and their families) , I will give an opinion — based on the information you have shared here.
It’s great that your daughter has decided to go into inpatient rehab. Most of the private ones are incredibly expensive but that does not necessarily mean that they provide better care — just plusher surroundings. Please do not allow her to “guilt you” into thinking you aren’t demonstrating love by not paying for something you will be financially-stressed to do. I don’t know where you live, but I do know that around the Chicago and Milwaukee areas (where I am), there are some sliding-fee programs that are quite good; you could probably find something similar in your area. Part of coming to terms with her addictions will be experiencing the consequences of her choices and behaviors, which could mean a state-funded or sliding-scale rehab program. No one (including you) owes her a luxury rehab stay. An inpatient rehab program is a great way for a person to get clean and sober and get a concentrated look at what recovery might mean. It’s a great experience to be with others in the same situation — there will be young and old, male and female, professionals and laborers — all in the exact same place, learning how to begin to live without addictions. And I mean it when I say “begin to live without addiction,” as the first 28 days is only the very first step. But an inpatient program can help a person bond with others, learn some of their deeper issues, and get some ideas about tools for staying clean and sober in the future.
Support her choice for inpatient rehab but hold your ground on finding something you can afford — that is already showing her your concern.
Good luck and have courage.
Carol R Cann
Thanks to all of you for your responses. They are so very helpful. I have support in the family, but YOU know what I’m going through. I texted some numbers of sliding scale and state funded rehabs to her. I think you are all correct. That is all I can do other than provide the transportation to the rehab. SHE has to do the work.
Thanks again, Janet
I am seeking advice/support from all you warm, caring parents. My previously-mentioned son is trying (for the second time) to detox with Suboxone by himself. He doesn’t want inpatient or outpatient treatment. The last time, he says he was clean 8 months. He lives with his dad, and has pawned all his belongings, and many of his dad’s in support of his habit. His dad keeps him as isolated as possible in a gated community, no car, limited phone.
My son now wants to come stay with me. He says a change of scene and location (a couple of miles from dad’s) will help, and he knows I will provide food and pleasant surroundings. My HEART wants so much to bring him in and “help” him detox, but my MIND knows that he probably wants more freedom to meet with dealers, and that he is very likely to steal from me, which he has never done so far. In a weak moment last week, I said he could come, and now I realize I probably made a mistake. How do I tell him? I hear he is very excited about coming to my house. I do not want to be co-dependent. But, the mom (and R.N.) in me wants to provide an atmosphere of healing. Since I already said “yes”, I need a script to go back on my offer without making him feel hopeless or unsupported. He is always very respectful and sweet to me. He always expresses regret and shame about his oxycodone addiction. He is not rebellious or argumentative with me. How do I talk with him?
You’re not in an enviable situation and there is much to consider. Frankly, his father’s “solution” of isolating isn’t exactly helpful. That’s assuming responsibility for your son’s behavior which makes it quite easy to return to using.
You might want to consider a third alternative. A written agreement between you and your son under which he can stay with you for a defined period of time, contributing what he can (in chores if not cash), and that he will leave immediately if he does this or that or whatever. Think very defined pre-nuptual agreement with every detail spelled out and with his resonsibilities and consequences spelled out.
There is usually a middle ground between being a chump and being hard hearted. Think of help that supports progress in an adult, not those activities which discourage growing up or reward staying drug abusive.
Adult help, adult expectations, etc.
And our best wishes to both of you.
Thanks so much. On the way home from work, I was thinking of this very thing, but wondering if I sounded like a naive fool to try. The thing is, he has done nothing to me (so far). No stealing. I want him to live more as an adult, not a captive child. He can’t get a place of his own (yet), but how will he ever?
Just one big worry – is it even possible that he can detox AND stay clean on his own? Is relapse inevitable? Should I make counseling or treatment one of the items on the contract?
Has anyone out there had similar experiences?
Thanks so much.
Dawn, you mentioned that your son is “detoxing” on Suboxone. There are a few things about this that you might be interested in knowing. First thing, Suboxone is available by prescription only (legally), so he ought to be connected with a doctor who is certified to prescribe this. (They have to take a special course and pass a test.) Suboxone is the brand name for buprenorphine, which is something like methadone, in that it is a controlled substance prescribed by a professional that replaces the opiod the person was addicted to with something that also causes dependence but is less “abusable.” Suboxone is meant to be given as a part of treatment, such as counseling, setting goals, learning to avoid triggers and situations where using might take place.
Of course, there is no way to predict whether or not your son will be successful in his plan (each person is unique and their ability to overcome addiction is also a unique property); but generally speaking, his plan does not sound as though it will maximize the potential for recovery. The agreement spelling out responsibilities and consequences seems like a beneficial structure in the present; however, if he is not involved in a treatment program to help him learn tools to handle stress, emotions, and future behavior, it sounds like a “set up” for him. Good luck to both of you.
It’s important to also remember that people leave their abusive and addictive bahaviors behind in many different ways. The most important components to change are:
1) Believing that he can;
2) Being self-motivated;
3) Being supported by family and peers;
4) Having access to good professional support;
5) Having access to good medical support.
Good support is not what’s available in most treatment programs. Good help stresses self-empowerment, not “powerlessness”; does not adhere to a disease model; and has actual trained professionals who use CBT, assertiveness training, nutrition, relaxation, and the development of alternative coping skills.
Regardless, people recover – fully – in unexpected ways all the time.
For your part, clear expectations and consequences are most important. Remember, being the drug and alcohol “police” is a sure route to disater. He is responsible – for developing the habit, and for leaving it behind. It was a choice he made. He can also choose to quit.
Good luck.
Thanks very much for your replies. My son has no insurance. This is a big problem, but I could not afford his COBRA anymore, and he was using the insurance to “doctor shop”. We live in So. Fla, the HOTBED of oxycodone addiction. The doctor who gives my son his suboxone is licensed and has taken the requisite training, but he offers no support – in fact, he is one of the doctors who supplies oxys to people. The type of treatment all of you recommend is not available to us, as it is expensive. The free treatment around here is based on AA/NA, and is full of parolees and street people. (New connections!) I am an RN, and am very aware of what suboxone is – I don’t like it, but he is afraid of detox symptoms and feels he is not strong enough to do it without it. Anyway, I drew up a contract, but he has not contacted me or returned my calls. I think he might have relapsed, or he would call. I will save your comments, Carol, Maryellen, and Ed, and refer to them 1) to help me get through this and 2) in case my son gets serious and I am in a position to try to help.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your time and knowledge.
You might also look for a “Smart Recovery” meetings in your area to refer him to. Smart is research based and meant to be short term, not forever.
An update for all you caring and supportive people out there, and especially Mary Ellen and Ed:
My son came to my house to detox off suboxone (which he and I do not recommend for others!). It has been a very rough two weeks, but he is now out of the woods. It is his 18th day clean (from everything). He is feeling much better, has been out with family members, got his hair cut. We found a Smart Recovery outpatient facility nearby and he is going to call them. He is very determined, hopeful, and excited about his future.
His good friend was recently clean for 30 days, took one oxy and relapsed, and he was very affected by that. He says that he will NEVER take the “first one” again! I pray he can do it. He has a lot of loving family members, and says he will get into counseling. He broke off all relationships with dealers and most of all, doctors, who were supplying him.
I am actually very hopeful. He is back – his personality is restored, and he is my son again. I am ever mindful that this will be a lifelong struggle, and he may slip again, but he is very, very determined, and wants very much to succeed. His birthday is tomorrow, and he says it is like his actual BIRTH day – he is starting over. PLEASE say a prayer for him and for all other addicts – for their strength to fight this thing.
Thanks again to all of you.
Dawn
Dear Dawn and Son,
My prayers for you both. If he doesn’t cheat, he will never have to worry about going back to that hell again. Have strength, you and only you have the power to take the power back. Good luck.
My heart tugged a little reading some of these posts. In the event it helps anyone:
I was addicted to pills. It started out with a prescription that was poorly monitored and prescribed, which spun out of control into a full-blown addiction to the drug and others. My family was at wits end for a year, shouldered many unpredictable bills, and weathered many episodes of withdrawal, relapse, and lying in that time. Two family members took me in at different times, one for a week, one for the months when I made it through and actually quit. More than 3 years later, I’m ‘clean’. I don’t think about returning to the drugs. Sometimes people really do get better. But ultimately, the addicted person has to be ready. You won’t know when that moment comes, and you may face many false starts and lies. I wish I could remember enough from that period to tell you what happened to turn things around, but I remember my family not giving up on me- and setting firm limits. Most cut contact completely, one or two made very limited contact with me. They also attended something like NA and NAMI to help themselves through it. I feel what many of you are going through, best of luck.
Anon, Hope you are still working for your sobritiy. I’m still suffering the loss of my daughter and really need to know you are still trying to suceed in overcoming the beast that took my child. I know it must be very hard. you have my prayers.
I have used this website as a help to me through my daughter’s addiction. She passed away July 31. The cause of death hasn’t been officially determined but preliminary tests indicate overdose. Jennifer was in rehab and clean for 3 months prior to her death. It was like having my daughter back. I’m so grateful we could have that time. Thank you so much for the advice and support you give others. Above all, NEVER give up.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss…. I AM GOING THROUGH A REALLY HARD TIME WITH MY YOUNGEST SON, HE IS 25 AND HAS BEEN ON AND OFF DRUGS AND ALCOHOOL SINCE HE WAS 15. I RECEIVED A CALL FROM HIM SAYING THAT HE USED HIS CHEQUE FOR EXTASY AND ALCOHOOL, AND NOW HE IS STAYING AT A SHELTER. I HAVE BEEN CRYING SINCE. AS A MOTHER IT IS HEARTBREAKING TO KNOW THAT MY SON IS STAYING AT A SHELTER. I REALIZED THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP, BECAUSE I KNOW BY PAYING HIS RENT HE WILL ONLY CONTINUE HIS ADDICTION. I PRAY THAT HE TURNS HIS LIFE AROUND AND I HOPE THAT I DON’T GET THE CALL THAT I HAVE BEEN FEARING FOR A LONG TIME. I WILL NOT GIVE UP HOPE AND WHEN HE CALL FOR THE HELP THAT HE NEEDS HE KNOWS THATI WILL BE THERE.
Janet, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Wow,like so many others here, I could fill in my sons name for these stories. He is 30 years old, and I honestly can’t say “how long” he has been using. I know at least since he was 17. He has had ups and downs, but he has really gotten bad. I do NOT give him any money, or help, because I have read enough to know that this would just enable him. But unfortunately, my husband doesn’t know this. He keeps helping him and it certainly puts a strain on the marriage. We have 2 other children who are wonderful, and learned from seeing their older brother, what a mess drugs have made of his life, and have thankfully steered clear of them. I know he is doing heroine now. Again, I read these posts and feel so many of the same feelings. I understand thinking that maybe if he were dead, it would be better, and I feel terrible for feeling this way. Or if he was in jail, that would be better. I can NOT change my son, HE MADE these choices, and by doing so, not only ruined his own life, but so many in my family have suffered because of his bad choices. It is so frustrating because he had a promising future. But not anymore. I just wait for the phone call that he is either in jail, or dead. And from reading all these posts, I feel I am not alone. My pastor has recently told me that I should start attending the Alanon meetings, and I think I will try this, cause I feel like I am starting to go over the edge. I pray for my son every day, and he will have to make the choice to want help and even admit that he has a problem.
Thank you for all of your comments and postings. It does help to know that I am not alone in all of this.
Wow. I needed a dose of this. I have taken this stand with our 29 yr old daughter who has been a drunk since age 15. I have temp.custody of her 9 month old daughter. She stayed drunk pregnant,had an accidenet drunk at 7 month pregnant breaking her leg in three places and other injuries falling down stairs. Drunk first week after baby born. Crashed car drunk midday last May. I went before a Judge and took the baby away. She is a hateful,manipulative,wreckless,vile,irresponsible,impulsive,wretched,white trash person. My daughter. And guess what…Everything she has ever done wrong is everybody else’s fault. Everything. Before the baby was born I spent half her life pulling her out of the fire. I am done and over her. She can hit the wall now and I will not be there. Not now nor ever. My wish for Christmas is that I will never have to see her vindictive evil face again. The County Social Workers (Clowns) enable her and believe anything the pitiful little drunk tells them including that her father,me, and our college educated other daughter drove her to what she is. This sorry excuse of a daughter is in the 82nd Airborne! God help this country. Maybe there is room for her on the next plane to Iraq.
I forgot to add that she has been arrested twice since Easter for drunk driving,wreckless endangerment,fleeing drunk driving arrest(chased in her car after being stopped.) Had to be pepper sprayed to arrest her and restrained. Pretty much drunk every day. Her car has been seized that she owes $18,000 on. Crashed the car before that one drunk just a few months earlier. Drunk, drunk, drunk, pretty much everyday and boy look out for the weekends. All of this is my fault.
Tracy,
I understand how you feel. Believe me, I understand. My daughter was addicted to drugs, alcohol and gambling. I say was, because she passed away July 31, 2009. It was probably an overdose, but we don’t have the final report yet. She had been released from a rehab (actually, kicked out) 10 days prior to her death. We had reconciled somewhat while she was in rehab, but it was still a bit rocky. Before her death, I was so angry with her.
Jennifer wrote in journals a lot. I have been reading them along with her worksheets from rehab. It has given me new insight into her problems. I’m not condoning them by any means. Jennifer was a master manipulator and had been all her life. Jennifer was bipolar and had she been properly medicated, I know the circumstances would have been different. She was just diagnosed last year and it takes so much time to get the meds and the dosage where it needs to be for each individual. When she was ‘in remission’ as I call it, she was a bubbly, loving, caring, lovely person. When she wasn’t, wow, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. I now know for certain that she was a tormented person.
While I agree that your daughter shouldn’t have her child, you can never give up that hope. Miracles happen. Our grandson (4 1/2 yrs)has been with his dad for the last year and a half. We even wrote a letter on our son in law’s behalf.
Basically, what I am telling you is that as my husband always said, ‘while they are on this side of the grass there is hope’. Because, once they are under the grass, it is over.
I am so very sorry that you lost your daughter. We have had the fear of this happening someday to our daughter. This past weekend she spent drunk out of her mind and says her husband beat her up. Lots of phone calls to me which I did not take and my sister who barely listens to her anymore. She checked herself into the army hospital Sunday saying that she could not live one more day without her daughter and that is why she drinks! The only reason she checked herself in is that her car has been taken away, her husband left,no one else will have anything to do with her. No one to share her turmoil and drama. So off to the hospital she goes for the attention she can get. And sympathy. She doesn’t have her daughter because she is a drunk and now I find out a coke head too. I have not and will not accept her phone calls. She needs to hit the wall at warp speed. She will stay clean as long as the doors are locked. When she is out of there the drinking will continue. I hope she proves me wrong. It will take a miracle for her to live a decent normal life. This is my prayer,for the Lord to deal with her. Looking back, my daughter has had problems her entire life. Never fit in or followed rules. Kicked out of every school,grammar,jr.high,high sch.Ran away multiple times,fighting,arrested for assault at 16.Could write a book on the hell she has put this family through. Frankly at 29 yrs old I will not participate in her life anymore. Drunk or sober I don’t care. I feel nothing but distain for her. I guess she will miss that plane to Iraq. Too bad.
gosh, I am coming to grips with how many families truly do deal with the same problem. I wonder how many of the people who have commented, will have positive outcomes. I am the mother of a 26 yr old, who over the past 9 years has battled coke addiction, alcoholism, and just destructive behaviors. She lives off of social security as she does have diagnosis of bipolar. she has done the gamit of psych doctors, therapist, meds of all kind. none of it seems to have helped. she was off the coke for awhile, but now back on. she doesn’t seem to be able to function unless she has a man in her life. both of her last 2 boyfriends are now in jail for one thing or another. I go to counseling trying to detach, as I was an enabler, and now see the harm in it. I am at the point, I don’t think she will make it. It just seems endless. She does nothing, not productive in anyway. She tried school, but quit, she tries jobs, but quits. Theres nothing left to try, we just wait for the other shoe to drop.
I certainly understand where you are with your daughter. Our daughter is a talented artist or should I say, was a talented artist. Dropped out of college,quit or got fired from every job.(Never her fault) Joined the army and straightened up as long as she was in basic training and no way to get alcohol. As soon as she had some freedom- straight to drunk all the time. As of yesterday she is in a 28 day facility for alcohol abuse. What a waste of time and resources. She will be sober for 28 days. Unlock the door, turn her loose and she will be waiting for the liquor store to open. I have totally detached myself from her for good. Alcoholism is not a desease. Cancer is a desease. Calling it a desease allows insurance to cover the cost of the destruction that follows. Calling it a desease takes away the personal responsibility from the drunk for being a drunk. An alcoholic can decide not to drink anymore. A cancer patient can’t decide that he wants to stop having cancer. Alcoholism is a self inflicted addiction. I am raising her 9 month old daughter. I have had her for 3 months. I have already spent $7,000.00 in legal fees to remove her daughter from her and we haven’t even gone to trial yet. If it takes everything I have and the rest of my life, I will keep my grandaughter away from her because she will ruin her life if she doesn’t kill her with her reckless choices. I just wish she would go to the other side of the world and forget her way back. Forever. We too are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
tracey, I know you are angry. It’s o.k. I also was. Shanna is now dead. Her kids are without a mom. My daughter, that was sick, cannot fix herself, is dead. She would’t or could’t help herself. She still had a sweet heart. You will also miss the times when she was around. You will probably out-live your daughter. That is not a preferred option to being a mom. Reality is harsh. It is for me. Try to remember a kiss, a hug, a scent. She will always be your daughter. Sick or well, she is your offspring. I think this diease is like cancer. I don’t have it and i guess you don’t either. Your grand kids may. Hope not.
Diane, I am so honestly sorry that you lost your daughter, Shanna, to addiction. I will probably be next on the list to have lost a child to this. Please tell me, what happened? Shanna had more than one child. Oh God. I am so so sorry for you and her children.
My daughter, Susan, also, way back had a sweet heart….. It turned rotten with liquor. She turned into a vile,vicious,rotted human being. Not a person of value, but a- from -the -core- rabid, worthless, parasite, useless, destroyer,thing. This is a child I stood up for so many years. When everyone was sick of me and washed their hands of me for sticking up for her. I was there for her. No matter what. Fourteen years of it and a baby put through it is “Enough” When she stayed drunk and pregnant and then drunk after her daughter was born a “Switch went off in my brain that said ” This Is Enough.” I am the hell done with her and her “Crap”.
Done I am. I have her daughter. It will take a Judge to tell me she has to go back to her mom. In fact it will take an act of God for me to give my grandaughter back to that piece of trash. I will be on a plane to the other side of the world before I will give her back to that destroyer.
Let me clarify one thing I just said. I will not be on a plane to the other side of the world with my grandaughter. I just wish I could. Wishing is one thing. Doing is another. I won’t be as stupid in my decisions as my daughter is.
Tracey, I too, believe in turning your back on your daughter. I had too also. Some day maybe she will hit bottom. Some people do. It doesn’t mean you ever have to forgive her. People don’t realize, some of their actions can never be forgiven. Keep your grandaughter safe, but always know if she ever cleans up, there is a chance she can get her back. You may need to take that plane. Good luck.
Forty eight hours after being released from a 28 day alcohol rehab center my daughter was drunk. She “borrowed” a friends car, hers is impounded and will be auctionsed off, bought her liquor and went joy riding while she was drinking. Drunk, crashed the car. She has been in jail for 4 weeks awaiting trial. She has twelve charges in three counties pending against her. Three of them are DUI’s , three are driving with revoked license, one resisting arrest, two wreckless endangerment,on and on…………..more crap. She is going away for some serious time. The army has her listed AWOL and is discharging her. So far she has lost us,her family, her baby, her car, her career, her drunk,stupid,husband,friends, her apartment and all of her belongings. She is sitting in jail with drug addicts,prostitutes, her kind of trash. I spoke on the phone one time with her and all I had to say was that she held the top spot for the worlds worst mother and she was right where she belonged. No more contact. I hope they send her very far away from here. Her daughter will turn one year old next month. I have had her longer than her own mother. We will have a birthday cake without her mother. So sad.
Can you recommend a list of some good treatment centers with long term (6 – 12 months) aftercare programs?
If you are asking to recommend a long term treatment center with long term aftercare programs for my daughter I really would not recommend wasting the resources on her. If this recommendation was not for my daughter then I apologize. As a matter of fact she has been released with time served after 4 weeks of incarceration for crashing a car drunk ,again, with three DUI’s pending, includeing numerous other charges. They let her go! I am so dissapointed. That drunken fool will driving again this week and pray God she doesn’t kill somebody in the process.Please, if anyone is listening to me, She is facing 12 charges in threee counties which include three DUI’s for drunken driving, has crashed two cars drunk. They let her out because she hasn’t yet been “Convicted” of three DUI’s! I pray she will not drive drunk and destroy some family of a loved one. The laws are so incredibly unfair. They let this piece of trash out to maybe destroy some innocent life with her drunken ass.
I have fallen into the same hole again. Running around trying to make it better. Telling myself everything is ok. But the signs are there. I feel all twisted up inside. I feel dizzy, unable to digest my food properly, worry is all I know. My daughter she is an addict and I have to accept and face the reality of the devastation that is her life and the life of my two beautiful grandchildren. One in a loving foster home and the other just a sweet newborn and what chance does he have with a father who is a heroin addict, a gang member, who has no job and he was just released from prison on a domestic violence charge from his former girlfriend. This is what my daughter chooses. So what do I do fade away, move away, accept this as a lost cause, Me who believes in Miracles and the power of Positive thinking, Me who teaches that prayer and faith are everything….but now what?! I feel so terribly alone and yet I read others stories and my heart goes out to all of you.
When I first encountered this site, I was looking for hope, like everyone else. I was so scared by all the statistics and stories, and the fact that we live in South Florida, the oxycodone capital of the world!
Anyway, In June, I reported that my son had detoxed and was doing much better. I am happy to report that he is still doing great. He had a difficult time finding a job because of his history of joblessness and the economy, but he has found one: full time, with benes, low pay though. He is ecstatic! He had several drug tests while job searching, and passed all of them!!!! He has nice friends now, including a very sweet girlfriend (clean). He tells me that he no longer has cravings, and would never go back.
Now, I am not the most naive person on the planet. But it has been 6 months, and he has weathered some very bitter disappointments and not gone back to drugs. I have hope, finally. My son is back! Not perfect, he is 23 and acts about 18. But, he is making progress. He has crushing debt from his old days and may have to declare bankruptsy, but at least he is healthy and happy, and now productive.
I am not bragging, and realize that not everyone will be lucky to even have a respite like I have had. But, I wished so hard for someone to give me at least one happy, hopeful story. I hope you all find some hope in my story, and I pray that we all have happiness in the future. Thanks everyone for the support. We are all in this life together, and we have to help each other.
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
We’re extremely pleased for you and your son and would also like to note that your story is not all that uncommon. Yes, we hear about the disasters, failures, and unending dashed hopes, but the reality is that we don’t usually hear from the successes and triumphs – these folks are busy building lives, not dwelling on the past.
In our work with families and clients we see well over half on them succeeding – about 10 times the rate of traditional treatment – and we do write about what works, and what doesn’t. And please don’t forget that more people recover – really recover (not “in recovery”)on their own than any other way.
So again, congratulations, to both of you and thank you so much for taking the time to write what so many need to hear.
Regards,
I just found this website, I have a 22 year-old daughter and just learned she is not only addicted to pain killers, but also selling them, I am flaberghasted to say the least. I live 2,000 miles away but noted that in the last month her attitude had changed on the phone, she didn’t want to talk for hours like she did in the past and the nightly phone calls stopped. On Tuesday of this week I recived a phone call saying she was being evicted on a ten day notice and asking if she could come here, of course I said yes. then I recived a restricted phone call from a friend of hers telling me that my grandchildren were uncared for always with a babysitter who had no idea how to care for children and that they were calling CPS unless I intervened. I made a few phone calls to others who knew my daughter and everything, mentioned in the phone call seemed to be truth. People had been giving her money to pay her rent, bills and giving her money to pay for stuff that she needed for the girls. She had never asked me for a single dime, but gifts I had sent the grandchildren seemed to disappear always with excuses. So I stopped sending material items. My daughter was anti-drugs, we had two family members killed by dealers due to their own drug additctions so this totally floored me to find out she is not only using, but also selling to make her rent persay. As a grandmother I had no choice but to call the grandparents who lived in the area and ask them to check on the girls, the girls were removed from the home that night and are now in a safe place. My daughter is angry at me and won’t talk to me which hurts. I kept having dreams that my daughter was dead, but couldn’t put my finger on it, my intuition was always going off over the past month, but due to the distance I couldn’t just get in my car and go visit her. The amount of phone calls I have made this week are more then any mother should have to make to get to the bottom of her activites. But to know hat my grand children were suffering because of her addition really angers me. We did send money to the other grandparents so they could buy the girls the things they need, but I know it is not enough when they need everything. I just don’t understand how a mother who loved her girls so much could just change like this. It’s frusterating and confusing, and I will not support her or her addiction and have asked others not to. All I can do is pray and hope that one day she will wake up before it’s to late.
Hello, I haven’t written anything lately, I have been so depressed. My youngest son, who is 25 is living on the streets. I cry myself to sleep every night, I don’t know what to do. He is an alcooholic and drug abuser. The last I heard from him was in an email saying that he had nothing left and there was only one other thing left to do. I love him so much but I can’t let him come home. I have a 17 year old daughter and I have to think of her. I am also so afraid of getting that call. Please if there is anyone out there that can give me some advice I would appreciate it…….