Click here to contact Zareen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I enjoy writing to myself. Sound strange? Initially, I chose not to share this information with anyone else because I thought people would be confused by this statement. However, ‘writing to myself’ is very helpful to work, relationships, and self-evolvement. I hope this technique is as beneficial to you as well.

‘Writing to myself’ is like having a conversation with yourself. It is intimately revealing and increases your present moment awareness. It is just as helpful as meditation, visualization, or yoga in relieving stress, understanding depression or deepening intimacy with your partner.

So, how can you learn to write to yourself?

All you need is fifteen minutes a day, a pen, pencil, or a crayon (whichever works best for you), and an intention to be honest, true, and nonjudgmental to the writing that emerges from within.

Your goals could include:

1. Losing weight
2. Managing stress.
3. Reducing symptoms of depression.
4. Starting a new business.

This method of journal therapy is most beneficial when you are feeling overwhelmed and/or when you are making an important decision.

So, how do you start? Try to prop a window to let in fresh air. Keep a pen and journal close to you. Make sure you feel calm and ready as you start this activity.

The first step in this activity is to realize that although you may hear several different voices in your head (e.g. the critic, the people-pleaser etc.) another voice exists in you that you can call your True self, Your guardian angel, the Higher self, etc.

So, the purpose is to assist you find this inner voice that knows peace and joy. This inner voice guides you in making choices that feel right for you (without fear).

The second step is to write a question on a piece of paper. Try to find a question that concerns you deeply and affects your current mental health.

For example:

Should I stay in this relationship?
What do I really want from this job?
What is my life’s purpose?
What is bothering me?
How can I forgive myself?

Once, you have found the perfect question, sit in silence. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Notice the thoughts ebb and flow in your mind. Continue to focus on your breath for five minutes. As you get calmer, notice how your thoughts slow down.

Then, start to write as if you were having a conversation with your True Self. A conversation might ensue as follows.

A. What is bothering me?
B. I don’t know. What do you think is bothering you?
A. I don’t know that’s why I am asking you?
B. Well, sit still for a moment.
A. How is that going to help?
B. Well, try it and see what happens.
A. I am not here to sit still. Solve my problem.
B. Sitting still is the answer.
A. How long do I have to sit still for?
B. A couple of minutes.
A. Okay. I am still. Now what?
B. Well, how do you feel?
A. Not as bothered as before.
B. Great. Do you have another question?

The first time you attempt this activity you may not hear your inner voice. But don’t give up. Keep writing. It takes time and patience to hear your True Self speaking to you. The more you intend on finding that voice, the more easily you will hear it. With practice, you will learn to speak from your True Self and all the other voices (the whiny child, the people-pleaser etc) will take a back seat.

Good luck!

©Copyright 2010 by Aqsa Zareen Farooqui, MS, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Zareen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Holly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

As children we all have needs that must be met appropriately and consistently for us to thrive and become self actualized as adults. If our needs are not met, or they are met erratically or inconsistently, we develop traits or characteristics that are our defensive attempts to meet out own needs. Many of our dysfunctions or coping styles are the consequence of these unmet needs and our responses to our childhood. Working with the inner family and our inner child is a therapeutic tool to intra-psychically begin to meet those nagging needs and to create corrective emotional experiences that have a lasting effect on who we are and how we function and respond in our relationship to ourselves, each other, and our daily lives.

Before you do the inner child work, doing the following hypnotic processes to create a new inner father and mother is helpful so your inner child will have the resources available for inner parenting. If you grew up with out one parent or were adopted, do the inner father and inner mother process with a person who was a representative figure of that parent: a step parent, a teacher, neighbor, or uncle, for instance. It will be most effective if you record the following process in your own voice so you are free to respond and you don’t have to keep track of the sequence of instructions and suggestions. Make sure to leave plenty of time between each suggestion.

Self-Hypnosis to Create the Inner Father

Sit comfortably in a private place where you will not be interrupted. Adjust your body so that your back and head are supported. Close your eyes and take a deep clearing breath. Breathe in relaxation with your in breath….and breathe out any discomfort, tiredness or stress with your exhalation.

With each cycle of breathing imagine breathing in the positive of what you want to feel and letting go of what you wish to release with each out breath. With each cycle of in breath and out breath you become more and more relaxed.

Imagine that you are in a safe and beautiful place. You are surrounded by beauty and positive energy. You feel at home and protected. Look around you and take in the surroundings. Notice the colors and textures. Breathe in the air as you notice the temperature and the fragrances. Notice the time of day and the quality of lighting and shadow around you. Listen to the sounds around you. Take it all in. You feel supported by this special place. You are safe.

You find a place to sit awhile. As you relax, you invite your inner child to join you. Notice you inner child. How old is your inner child? What is he or she wearing? What is the expression on your inner child’s face? What is his or her body posture and what is it expressing? As you observe your inner child, what do you perceive that he or she needs?

Imagine your father standing in front of your inner child. Notice how he is dressed, his facial expression and his body posture. What does your father’s state of being communicate to the child? How does your inner child feel standing with his or her father? Where in the inner child’s body or in your body do you feel the response to your father? What do you feel? What does the response communicate to you about the relationship you share?

Standing with your father, is your father’s inner child who is about the same age as your inner child. Notice your father’s inner child’s dress, his facial expression and his body posture. What does this child’s state of being communicate? What does he need?

Standing with your father’s inner child is his father, who is your grandfather. Imagine that your grandfather has all of the awareness, skills and resources to parent and lovingly support your father’s inner child. Imagine that your father’s inner child has his needs met appropriately, lovingly and consistently. Notice how your father’s inner child responds. Your father’s inner child begins to grow up. As he develops his needs are met appropriately, lovingly and consistently, day after day, week after week and month after month. He grows in to a man. He is a man who experiences his wholeness and in his wholeness he has plenty of love and attention and wisdom to share. And as an adult he is present, giving, and engaged as a parent. Your father’s inner child has grown into a healthy, loving father for your inner child. Your new inner father has the time, skills and resources to meet your inner child’s needs. Notice your inner child standing with his or her new inner father. Notice your inner child’s facial expression and body posture. What is your inner child experiencing now? From this moment on whenever your inner child needs attention, protection, holding, appropriate boundaries, and love, your inner father is present and engaged in parenting.

You make a place in your heart where your inner child and inner father live. A place where they relate and respond to each other from an experience of wholeness and healing for your inner child. Your inner child’s needs are met.

Note:

To do self-hypnosis to create the inner mother, use the script above but substitute your mother for your father, the mother’s inner child for the father’s inner child, and your mother’s mother (your grandmother) for your father’s father (your grandfather.)

**Thanks to Dr. Ron W. Jue, PhD, for permission to share this technique.**

©Copyright 2010 by Holly Holmes-Meredith, D. Min., MFT, Board Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Holly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

At the beginning of each year, many people find themselves reflecting on the year that has passed and picking out specific things about themselves and their lives that they may wish to change. Whether it’s the sense of fresh opportunities or simply the social acceptance of making New Year’s resolutions, the practice is one that scores of people adopt, though a significant number of even the most seemingly dedicated hopefuls end up falling short of attaining their goals. In many cases, resolutions revolve around improving one’s appearance or professional life; the goal may focus on mending finances or quitting an unwanted habit.

Recently, however, a psychotherapist in Arizona has discussed the issues that lead most people to lose touch with their resolutions; a disconnection from the principal areas of inner self-improvement, she suggests, is often responsible for disappointment.

Working towards a greater understanding of and compassion for the self may not often make it to lists of resolutions, yet these goals may be among the most important not only for realizing greater happiness, but for providing a powerful foundation for the achievement of extrinsic goals, the psychotherapist notes. Setting realistic goals is also noted as being of primary importance. All too often, people may expect extraordinary results, which, when combined with a casual attitude towards considering such results in-depth, can create ample discouragement.

Overcoming natural setbacks and knowing how to ask for help, along with understanding the acceptability of reaching out to others, notes the psychotherapist, can greatly increase chances of sticking to resolutions and enjoying positive benefits throughout the year. When people begin with themselves in terms of who they are rather than what they do, she suggests, life-changing resolutions are possible.

Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

For many survivors of childhood abuse, the holidays can be a horrible time of year filled with anxiety and depression. This can occur for a variety of reasons. But the important thing is to be prepared, instead of allowing yourself to get blindsided by all of the cheer and festivities which surrounds you.

Maybe childhood holidays were a tough time for you. Perhaps the holidays brought extended family members into your home, or your family members into theirs. Arguments might have been common – especially if alcohol or other drugs were a part of the celebrations. In these types of situations, it’s not uncommon for abuse to increase either during the ‘festivities’, or after the company has gone home. Maybe you were safe as long as extended family members were around. But once they left, you were alone with your abuser. Tempers which had perhaps been simmering all day finally come to a head, with one or both parents venting their anger on each other or upon the children. Perhaps the brunt of the anger fell upon your shoulders. As a child, you were trapped; you had no place to go – no escape.

For many children who come from healthy homes, the holidays provide a chance to take a break from school, complete with slumber parties, sleeping-in, staying up late – having a great time with siblings and friends! Maybe holiday travel was involved, making the holidays a magical time of year. But for those who did not have that type of a childhood, the memories might be much bleaker. For many, the holidays provided more time at home — weeks around your abusive parent(s), without friends and caring teachers to offer you a reprieve from the reality of your life. You probably tried your best to stay quiet while at home – with the hopes of being out of sight and out of mind. But for many, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t escape the wrath of your parents or other abusive family members.

Although you may have learned to dissociate from your memories and the associated emotions during most of the year, it might be impossible to do so during the holidays. Seeing the Christmas decorations, hearing Christmas carols playing in the malls and on the car radio, smelling freshly baked holiday cookies, seeing and smelling the pine trees and garland, and other festive reminders of the season might be just enough to trigger all those old feelings of abandonment, even though you’ve managed to bury them during the rest of the year.

As an adult, many survivors find themselves thinking of the parents they wished they would have had – the parents they deserved. They often grieve the loss of what should have been and wonder why they couldn’t have been lucky enough to have grown up in a Norman Rockwell-type of home. Especially if you’ve had to cut off from parents and/or other family members in order to survive, the holidays can be a difficult time to be without the parents you deserved. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve this loss, because it truly is a loss. A well trained therapist who deals with these issues can help you to resolve this grief and to move on over time. But it’s a process and often a painful one at that. Give yourself time to heal and until you reach that point, try to offer yourself kindness and compassion.

Even though it can be difficult to endure the holidays, it is not impossible. There are ways to survive the holidays in a healthier manner. Having a healthy support system is crucial! Maybe you have friends you’ve met at work or in a support group. Maybe you’ve got a neighbor who is always there when you need him or her. You don’t have to have a long list of good friends, but just one really good friend. A true friend will be there for you no matter what. Possibly you have a sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin who is emotionally healthy and can be a source of strength for you. A therapist can also be a great source of support during the holidays. The key is to have someone (or several ‘some ones’) who are willing to listen and to validate your feelings. To be there, so that you don’t feel all alone and once more abandoned.

If you feel that you must spend time with members of your family-of-origin, give yourself permission to limit the amount of time that you spend with them. There are no guidelines for what is considered to be an acceptable amount of time to spend with these family members during the holidays or any other time of the year. You are now an adult and you are in control of your schedule. Don’t spend excessive amounts of time with these family members, causing yourself to suffer because you are filled with guilt. Remember, these family members may not appreciate that you’ve began limiting the amount of time you spend with them. They may be bitter if you’ve gotten into therapy and are now setting limits with them. They may not appreciate that you are refusing to sweep the past under the rug. Their tendency will be to pull you back into your old role – to your old position in the dysfunctional family ‘mobile’. They will not want to accept that you have gotten healthier and are choosing to no longer hold that spot. But just because they try to pull you back in does not mean that you have to succumb. You are in control and can maintain your healthier boundaries.

Because the holidays can be stressful for most everyone, and usually are more so for survivors, remember to take it easy during the holidays. Limit your time commitments to others and make choices which bring you joy. Try not to do things out of guilt, just so others will be happy. Remember that you deserve happiness and take the time to make that happen. If you try to do too much though, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed. This is an important time to take care of you. Take the time to do those things which are self-soothing and which bring you comfort and joy. You might get a new haircut, a manicure or a pedicure. A massage can be a wonderful way of soothing yourself and releasing stress at the same time! Possibly lunch and a movie with a friend, or spending time involved in your favorite activity or hobby can bring you relief from the stress of the holidays. Try to eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and get plenty of rest. Try to avoid excessive use of alcohol, as this can increase your depression and/or cause anger outbursts and other problems. As you have fun and spend time participating in positive activities during the holidays, you will begin to replace some of the old, negative thoughts with new and enjoyable thoughts. This will allow you to build positive holiday memories.

The important thing is to be good to you and to not place impossible demands upon yourself. Allow yourself permission to spend time alone. Let yourself grieve the losses of your lifetime – from the childhood that wasn’t, to the adult life that still isn’t. Give yourself space from your abusers and don’t cave in to their guilt-inducing ways. Don’t make apologies for yourself, as you are doing your best and have no need to apologize. Realize that you do not have to be perfect, because you are good enough as you are! Do things which bring you comfort and joy. Give yourself permission to have a wonderful holiday season and to participate in the joy of it all. You truly do deserve it!

©Copyright 2009 by Joyce A. Thompson, MS, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Peggy and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

What’s your “Holiday Story”? For some, it may be about connecting with friends and family, eating hearty meals and treats, singing songs, or getting in touch with one’s spirituality. For others, it may be laced with groans and moans, trepidation, loneliness, frustration, angst, and bouts of depression and anxiety. Often both “stories” can somehow co-exist.

I used to spend quite a bit of time worrying about the holiday season and what it would hold. With increased obligations, people really are in demand this time of year! With so much more on our plate (literally and figuratively) it’s easy to feel overloaded and disconnected from what the holiday season is supposed to mean. Combine that with mandatory or obligatory time spent with relatives or coworkers that may not normally spend time together, and it can be a recipe for STRESS. All of a sudden our holiday stories are about shopping, traveling, running from place to place, and making small talk. They are frenzied and lack depth and feeling. I call this type of story a “thin story” (lacking depth). When life gets taken over with thin stories, we can start to retreat inside ourselves, which only feels worse. It can become a very vicious cycle.

You can re-write or even pre-write your holiday story as an antidote to a woefully thin holiday story that tries so hard to keep you on edge. The story you create needs DEPTH so that it has better staying power than the old story. The way to create depth is to get in touch with what you give value to in life. Here’s a step by step example of pre-writing (or re-writing, if it has already gotten rough) a holiday story:

On a sheet of paper, write down the following…

Step One: Describe the thin story. Ex: Rushing around, complaining about not having time, dreading family get-togethers.

Step Two: Identify what living out the thin story does to you. Ex: It makes me not want to do anything. I don’t enjoy any of the holiday season, and if I go to my family with a bad attitude I know that it will surely turn out badly.

Step Three: Answer the question, “Why does this bother me?”
Ex: It bothers me because I really want to connect with people and the spirit of the holidays. I remember how wonderful the holidays felt when I was a child and I want to have my own children feel that too. I eat too much and then I feel bad about myself and my body.

Step Four: Looking at your answers to step three, write down three words or phrases that describe what really matters to you. Ex: Connection with others, Being a good mother, Taking care of myself and my body.

NOW, in four steps you have created the beginning of a holiday story that at its core contains what matters most to you. Hold onto it in all that you do this season. If the thin story starts to take over, give yourself three seconds to remember the three phrases you came up with in step four. Wear these phrases like armor – they are there to protect you from anything that wants to take you farther away from who you are and what matters most to you. Even if you can’t do everything in the holiday season that you might want, remember that you can still be you and stay true to what you hold most dear. And THAT feels good, even amidst the chaos of the season!

©Copyright 2009 by Peggy Gold, MS, NCC, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Peggy and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Being a survivor of childhood abuse is hard enough. But when one finds the ‘right’ therapist and begins the recovery process in earnest, it can be even more difficult! It’s critical that you be kind to yourself during this time in your life. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and not to chastise yourself with ‘should’ and ‘should not’ comments or attitudes towards yourself. Realize that everyone recovers at their own pace; everyone is unique in this process. If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent and spew! If you find yourself feeling happy, don’t feel guilty that you are enjoying the moment. All of this is ‘normal’. Whatever you do, don’t stuff your feelings!

It’s important to take extra good care of yourself during this time. Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle and don’t feel guilty if you have to ask others for help. You will tire more easily during this time – both physically and emotionally. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you desire the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you. Don’t spend time with others out of guilt. This is a common occurrence that happens between survivors and members of their family-of-origin. If you need that space, honor it! If family-of-origin members (or others) try to make you feel guilty, remember that only you can allow that to happen. It does take strength to stand up for yourself. But as a survivor, you already know that you are strong and you can successfully survive this as well.

This is a good time to find a support group with others who are going through similar recovery issues. Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to who are going through many of the same feelings and who will understand. Relatives may be unable to offer you the support which you need, especially if they were somehow involved in your abuse. Friends may not always be the greatest form of support either, as sometimes they can grow resentful that the friend they have known is now somehow ‘gone’; caught up in their past. They might say things like, “Get over it!” which of course would be tremendously painful to hear. Although it can be tempting to isolate from most others, this is not a good idea because now more than ever, you need the support of others who understand and care. Ask around for suggestions from others who might know of a group which would be a good fit. If you are already in therapy, your therapist might know of a group which would be helpful, or he/she might actually lead the very group which you are looking for! As you make friends with fellow group members, learn to ask for and accept help from others, even if it’s just asking for a listening ear. Amazingly, support group members often make friends that end up being good friends for years to come.

Although you learned to show only strength to endure your childhood, learn that it is okay to show weakness and vulnerability when you are around others who are ‘safe’. Learn that it’s okay to seek and accept the help and support of others. Let others know how they can be most helpful. Maybe you need someone to listen to you rant and rave. Or maybe you need someone to sit quietly as you cry. Perhaps you just need someone to sit in the next room as you get some rest, to give you an extra measure of feeling safe. People often don’t know how to best be helpful. It’s okay to let them know.

Oftentimes, being in recovery from childhood abuse issues requires more than a support group and good friends. Oftentimes it requires the help of a professional therapist who is trained specifically in this type of recovery work. Oftentimes, therapists who specialize in this type of work have overcome their own issues of childhood abuse. They can be a wonderful resource, as they truly do understand the intensity of pain which you are experiencing. They will ‘get it’, and this can lessen the guilt and shame of the survivor to know that the therapist will understand and won’t judge them.

Try not to compare yourself to other survivors. Remember, everyone heals at their own pace; there is no right or wrong way to heal and no timeline to follow. Know too that although someone else might be going through survivor healing, their past journey may have been a lot different than yours. Try to embrace yourself, exactly as you are. Accept that you have much healing to accomplish, but that you are well worth it! Take pride in the progress which you’ve already made. Most of all, honor the child that you once were for being so resilient and for enduring all that you have.

As hard as it is for you right now, try to remember that you will survive, even if it feels as if you won’t. You will make it through the healing, because you made it through the original abuse. You are much stronger than you realize, even if you feel that you aren’t. You are no longer a small, helpless child. You are a survivor! Eventually, although you may not believe it at this point in time, you will come out on the other side, much stronger than ever before.

©Copyright 2009 by Joyce A. Thompson, MS, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cindy and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Do you schedule time for yourself on the to do list?

Most people are familiar with making a to do list at the start of the day. Whether the list is in your head or written on a sheet a paper, it’s there and it can provoke anxiety and stress.

Here’s an example of a to do list. See if you can identify the missing element:

• Drop son off at school
• Make deposits
• Meet clients
• Complete documentation
• Follow up – insurance companies
• Return calls
• Schedule appointments for next week
• Update blogs
• Revise marketing plan…

Did you notice the missing element?

For me reading a list like this brings up anxiety. While some of the anxiety is related to the pressure of trying to get everything accomplished, it’s also that self care is not a part of this list! Were I to follow a list like this for weeks, months and years at a time I’d eventually reach burnout.

Self care is essential to your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. Can you run a car with no gas or electricity (i.e. energy)? How long would it last without an oil change or a tune up? Now granted the car doesn’t have a mind or soul but it does need attention and care in order to function at maximum capacity. Why would we be any different?

Many times I witness people investing more time in their homes and cars then they do in themselves. The end result is depression, anxiety, physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion or illness. Not taking care of yourself will have detrimental effects on your emotional and physical well-being.

When you don’t attune to yourself and meet your own needs it’s like running on fumes. Eventually your stress level goes up and you end up walking around like a zombie. I don’t know about you, but for me that’s not a healthy way to live! If you really think about it taking good care of yourselves is as necessary to life as breathing.

Making yourself a priority on your to do list may sound strange; however, it’s essential. When you nurture, love and appreciate yourself, you feel more energized, peaceful and ready to face challenging situations. Also your children learn about life, relationships and self care from you. So, if you incorporate self-care into your daily routine they learn that this is just as important as attending to their needs.

So how can you put yourself on the top of the list?

The following are some small steps you can take towards developing a daily self care routine.

Adding Self Care to your daily life:

1. Take 15 minutes out of your day to dedicate all to yourself. Incorporate a relaxing or soothing activity; listen to relaxing music and do some breathing and stretching exercises.

2. Create a self care ritual you practice once a day such as attending a yoga class, exercising, taking a bubble bath or writing in your journal.

3. Reach out for support from your spouse, family, or friends. Have someone take care of your children so that you can take care of yourself.

4. Schedule a date with yourself where you do something you like. Go the bookstore, attend a support group or go out to dinner with a friend.

5. Engage in a personal growth activity such as attending therapy sessions geared towards exploring your inner thoughts and connecting with your needs.

6. Learn to say no when you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed out.

7. Become aware of when you are feeling overwhelmed and take a break to de-stress. Go for a slow walk in a quiet setting, as you stroll notice your surroundings, the sounds of the birds, the wind as it touches your skin, the colors of the plants and flowers. Feeling more connected to nature can be a soothing experience.

8. Find a spot in your house and make this your special place to practice self care. You can decorate it with things that are soothing and calming to you such as candles, incense, photos of relaxing scenes.

9. Pay attention to your body. Make sure you’re meeting your own needs for sleep, nutrition and exercise.
Performing one or two of the following tasks on a daily basis will help you to feel refreshed, energized and much more alive!

©Copyright 2009 by Cindy Ricardo, LMHC, CIRT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cindy and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

One of the things I hear most from clients who have experienced infidelity is, “I never thought this would happen in our marriage.” It is not something any couple plans for or thinks will happen to them. But it can and does happen in marriage, but it can be avoided.

There are many reasons affairs happen, but typically it’s at the point when vulnerability meets opportunity. So first is to reduce vulnerability in your marriage. There are two major ways that I am going to talk about in this article. The first is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. The second is communication. If these two areas are prioritized in the marriage, you reduce your risk of infidelity.

The first priority is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. We all want to feel important in the life of those important to us. We want to feel useful and appreciated. We want to belong. It’s important that this is considered in how you treat your spouse. Often in marriage, partners begin to take each other for granted and complain about what’s wrong rather than appreciate what’s right. Daily things like noticing how your partner looks and commenting on it, noticing efforts made with chores around the house or parenting the kids and sharing these appreciations, taking the time to be affectionate and making your partner feel loved and noticed. These may seem like small gestures but they add up to connection and sense of belonging that is key in preventing affairs.

I often hear the spouse who had the affair say things like, “this person listened to me, understood me, made me feel I was important.” Things that all too often fall out of a marriage. Recognizing love as an action, not just a feeling and treating your spouse accordingly not only works to keep your spouse from looking to get these needs met elsewhere but also helps you nurture your fondness and admiration of your spouse.

In addition to this, it is important to make the marriage as much of a priority as you would your job. Early in marriage, people are focused on having kids and advancing careers. Both of these can pull you in different directions and distract your from your marriage. It is important to prioritize and not let this happen. Carve out time on a regular basis for your marriage to include communication, fun, play, intimacy and connecting.

Another important piece is self-care. It’s important that you make your own needs known, and when your spouse can’t meet them, meet them yourself. For example, if you are a person that likes to go to the beach to unwind but your partner doesn’t enjoy that, go anyway! Otherwise resentment builds, needs go unmet and you make yourself vulnerable to an affair.

The last but possible most important piece is communication. It’s not always possible to avoid vulnerability in a relationship. Vulnerabilities can be anything from job loss, loss of a loved one, new baby, anything that can bring stress to the relationship. By always communicating with one another and working together to overcome challenges, you reduce the risk of turning to an affair to cope. Share your needs with one another and be responsive and sensitive to each other’s needs. The stronger your connection and level of intimacy, understanding of one another, ability to cherish one another and treat each other as such will build a fortress around your relationship that will be difficult for an outsider to break through.

©Copyright 2009 by Dana Vince, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

”Soften your eyes. Relax your face,” I instruct my clients when we are working on deep relaxation in session. And the change is immediate and visible as the lines of tension fall away and a peaceful expression steals over them. When conducting this exercise with a roomful of people, the whole mood of the group changes. You can almost see everyone’s blood pressure go down! For you see, no matter how skillful the face lift, how costly the wrinkle cream, nothing can erase the look of stress, anger, sadness or chronic anxiety from a face when the soul inside is tense and troubled.

Most of us have known people with all the right clothes, makeup, hair, etc. but when they opened their mouth, negativity and anger poured out. How does negativity detract from outer beauty? Bitterness, stress and unresolved hurt often manifest themselves in tense facial muscles especially around the lips and eyes. This leads to fine lines around the lips and wrinkles in the eye area.

And so, we must seek peace as the ultimate beautifier—peace with ourselves, with God and with others (which is not necessarily the same as having everybody pleased with you.) All world religions teach us that true beauty comes from within, from finding stillness and acceptance. Sayings such as: “accept the things you cannot change” (prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous), “that which you would change, must first be accepted as is” (Buddhist saying) and, “see to it that the light within you is not darkness” (Jesus) attest that there must be inner calmness and peace for true outer beauty to exist.

And, just as it’s impossible to do our own liposuction or facelift, so we must have help to seek inner beauty–through counseling, and getting still to connect deep within ourselves in solitude. We must decide to measure and cherish our worth by more than numbers on a scale or how well we hide our aging. This changing of our mental health, like the changing of our physical health, requires a deliberate effort and investment of time and resources. It means sitting down with paper and pen and asking ourselves hard questions, like “what do I believe makes me worthy, happy, successful or attractive? Why do I believe that? Who taught me that belief?”

The practical things help too. Consider this list of ideas:

1) Get Enough Sleep—clients often enter “depression” by way of “exhaustion.”
2) Adding healthy foods so we don’t have sugar highs and lows.
3) Choosing to stop work early enough to make the yoga class or fitness appointment
4) Scheduling a massage
5) Committing to counseling
6) Getting annual checkups

All of these are ways to “maintain the vehicle”—our bodies—to get us where we want to go in life.

None of this comes easy for us, especially women. We are taught to give and give, and often made to feel guilty if we “take” for ourselves—time, money, effort. As far as my recommendation of sitting and doing nothing, to allow your soul to rest and examine itself? Please! Not a concept we embrace in the Western world.

And yet, our inner self begs to be given its own beauty treatment, its own “spa day” of quiet, self examination, as we investigate our own beliefs by asking hard questions of ourselves.

Try this prescription for just a few minutes a day—sitting quietly, without words, without thoughts, without agenda. Listen. Feel the stress drain out as you do so.

And rest. And find peace.

And be beautiful.

©Copyright 2009 by Debbie Devine, Licensed Professional Counselor. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A principle component of useful and sound health care, whether working with medicine or with psychotherapy, is that treatment should be voluntary. The choice to leave a hospital is ultimately up to the client, but health professionals may furnish a recommendation. Recently, the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality found that the rate of clients choosing to leave the hospital against the advice of their physician or other healthcare professional has steeply inclined in recent years. Experiencing a rise of almost forty percent, the rate suggests that hospital clients, among them those experiencing mental health difficulties or emergencies, should be given more thorough information and consultation.

Taking a leisurely stroll at sunset or starting off the day with a brisk walk has often been hailed as a healthy and invigorating way to incorporate exercise into a healthy lifestyle. Increasingly, the benefits of walking and other forms of exercise are being recognized as useful components of the healing process in clients with feelings of depression. Suggesting that the adoption of an exercise regimen –even if it simply consist of enjoying some therapy sessions while taking a quick jaunt out of doors- can have a significant impact on recovery, especially in clients experiencing emotionally-related lethargy and other undesirable symptoms. The growing acknowledgment of these benefits may lead more mental health professionals to take their work on an amble.

The benefits of being outdoors have often been documented in terms of the healthy effects of sunlight. Despite concerns over too much sun exposure, a reasonable amount of regular sunshine can help boost Vitamin D levels and support a greater mental well-being, leading many mental health professionals to recommend that their clients enjoy more time outdoors. Adding a new dimension to this piece of advice recent research about the potential of soil elements to boost mood are breaking into the mainstream.

Based on original research that introduced cancer patients to a mycobacterium, a naturally occurring and harmless element present in many types of soil around the world. The participants subsequently reported feeling an overall boost in mood and outlook, a result that may not have been expected, but which has prompted a great body of research to date. As the facts and figures recorded in the lab continue to surface, ideas about the evolutionary role of dirt in human existence have sprung forth to support the notion that with our modern aversion to getting dirty and an increasing tendency to stay inside, our modern brain chemistry may be greatly skewed from that of our ancestors’.

While a classic psychotherapy session may prove somewhat difficult to successfully complete in the middle of a breath-taking hike, therapy clients may significantly benefit from the suggestion to spend a little more time outside –and to take advantage of the opportunity to get a little dirty. This simple lifestyle change may seem improbably effectual in having a significant impact on day to day emotional well-being, but a growing number of people are finding that being outside can be an extraordinary boost. Whether exploring the beauty of nature or taking the time to plant a garden, a return to the outdoors may help over-medication in the psychiatric field become a thing of the past.

Click here to contact Joanna and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

For the past two nights I’ve been watching Michael Jackson videos on youtube. Here are a few: Beat It, Billy Jean, Thriller, Michael Jackson & Brittany Spears live, From New York Times: great interactive timeline of Michael Jackson’s life.

I’ve always loved his music and his distinctive and electrifying dance moves. But I had never watched his career unfold chronologically before my eyes from first appearance as a dynamic little boy in the Jackson Five to the creative genius behind Thriller and beyond. His “We are the world” raised millions for starving children in Africa.

Yet at a low Michael was 91 pounds on a five 5′11″ frame. Michael Jackson may have been the ultimate “poor little rich boy.” Did he suffer from anorexia? Maybe. If he did, and I don’t know that he did, it gives me a way to think about his life as well as his death.

Anorexia is not a stand alone illness. It is accompanied by and causes many infirmities. In my opinion, the most troublesome is the thinking distortions that develop from brain cell starvation. This can make a person be powerfully resistant to effective treatment, reach unreasonable conclusions about life situations and create painful chaos in relationships. And, of course, starvation affects every organ in the body with catastrophic consequences. If Michael were anorexic he needed careful and nourishing refeeding.

But living in a more substantial body with more mind clarity would bring him into the reality of a world he could influence tremendously but couldn’t live in personally. Body nourishment, while critical, is only the beginning. The whole person, body, mind and soul needs care and safety. With love and knowledge the person needs gentle encouragement and support to develop a healthy psychological sturdiness. That’s what makes him or her able to be present in a healthy body and cope with and thrive in a challenging world.

Michael Jackson had more challenges than most of us can ever dream of. In my opinion he may have withdrawn from the world and tried to create his own world with his massive finances. But it could never be enough. The fires of his incredible talent and charisma lit up the world and may have also burned him up from the inside.

RIP Michael. I mourn for you. I hope your legacy includes not only your magnificent body of work but also an inspiration to others. I hope your life and your death will teach others to honor personal health, authentic and unique gifts and the need to continue to develop psychological sturdiness throughout life.
I’m listening to Thriller as I write this post with eyes tearing and feet tapping. Oh, Michael.

©Copyright 2009 by Joanna Poppink, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Joanna and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

We are going through a transformation . . . individually and globally. Many people are scared . . . they haven’t been taught about transformation. They haven’t been taught how to go through it.

Many people are afraid . . . so many things that are part of transformation
trigger feelings from long, long ago, trigger fear from long ago.
The triggering is a guide to the healing.
The feelings from earlier times are the guides to our healing and transforming –
if we learn how to discern them from here and now feelings;
if we learn how to utilize them safely and draw a boundary so we feel them
but don’t act out on them;
if we learn to build our capacity to feel them;
if we follow through and allow ourselves to go through the feelings at the heart
of the wound and out the other side.

Many people are afraid of change . . .
are afraid of the unknown . . .

But we have examples in nature that show us how.

For example . . . the snake.
In regular cycles, the snake sheds its skin.
About a week before the shedding begins,
the old skin starts to lift away from the new skin.
At this point the snake’s eyes begin to become cloudy,
and for the time of the shedding, the snake is unable to see.
The snake is temporarily blind.
And the new skin underneath
that remains after the shedding
is tender.

When we are in this stage of transformation -
of shedding whatever in ourselves and our lives
needs to be let go – it is scary.
We are not used to being blind,
especially without knowing if we will ever see again.
We do everything we can not to be tender, or raw.

But if we can breathe through the blindness,
Breathe through the unknown,
Breathe through any discomfort during the shedding or right after,
Breathe through and allow the process of the transformation
to occur . . .
instead of interfering with the shedding,
we can be a help in our own transformation.

Many blessings as you shed!
Judith

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Laughter has long been prescribed as a potent medicine, particularly when other treatments fall short of curing the blues. But the old adage, while perpetuated through the generations, is rarely taken very seriously. Recently, a Canadian film director unveiled a piece of documentary work aimed at doing exactly that; exploring the possibilities, both socially and scientifically, of using laughter as medicine. Director Albert Nerenberg presents his film, entitled Laughology, at the Hot Docs film festival taking place this week in Toronto.

The director describes his interest as stemming from a fascination with his infant daughters spontaneous laughter. As babies tend to develop this particular skill around the same stage in development, and the phenomenon is present even in those children with disabilities such as blindness or deafness, Nerenberg decided to explore the brain’s impetus for laughter, as well as the realm of possibilities in terms of treatment. Describing himself and his partner as being depressed upon the birth of their daughter, Nerenberg was intrigued by the child’s propensity for glee despite her parents’ gloominess. Taking their daughter to a group-session laughter-yoga course helped to amplify the positive effects both parents felt from the phenomenon –as well as the good cheer of other class participants, who found it difficult not to join in.

Laughology digs deep into the possibilities of laughter, from exercise and entertainment to the strictly neurological, following the progress of mental health professionals as they artificially stimulate laughter through interacting directly with the brain. Citing that laughing can ease anxiety and create a sense of well-being, not to mention its clearly contagious properties, Nerenberg is well on his way to showing the therapy community that laughter is the best medicine; may not just be an old and tired cliche.

Click here to contact Jason and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

A few weeks ago, I read that Warren Buffett, one of America’s most influential investors, likened this country’s escalating fiscal woes to “an economic Pearl Harbor”. In my practice, I find that my clients are handling the financial crisis in ways that they never thought they would. Some talked about screaming at their spouses and children, while others talked about drinking to take the edge off at the end of the day. But the majority talked about the depression they are trying to fight. Feeling stuck and overwhelmed, their resources seem limited given all that is going on in the world. And no one ever wants to feel like they are stuck where they don’t want to be. Doing something for themselves can sometimes seem out of the question.

A different Buffett, Jimmy, the musician and savvy businesman once mused, “if life gives you limes, make margaritas”. Inspired by the words of the Mayor of Margaritaville, today I did just that! A close friend of mine and I closed up shop and headed down for a daycation to the Florida Keys to enjoy the therapeutic healing of the water, sun, sand and good conversations with friendly locals.

In South Florida, just like any other big city, we get stuck in our day to day life, the fast pace of transitioning between work and personal time and the blending of the boundaries between the two. But for a few hours, my phone went unanswered, my emails went unchecked and my stress melted as my friend and I took the time for some much needed rest and relaxation.

There is much to be said about the types of therapies for the myriad of physical or emotional challenges out there. Perhaps one of the most misunderstood and under utilized resources is the practice of having a mental health day . According to a poll of over 1,000 employees, ComPsych, a provider of employee assistance programs, reported that eighty-two percent of employees have taken a mental health day to help cope with overwhelming stress in their present life.

Unfortunately, many people miss the point of how to utilize one of the best resources available to them. A simple but profoud mental health day or daycation, can be the most rejuvinating and insightful personal experience in today’s economy. A mental health day doesn’t have to cost anything, doesn’t have to be preplanned, and certainly doesn’t have to be hours away from where you are. These daycations, may just be what you need to get out from under the pile of stress, reevaluate your priorities in life or even just spend those extra few hours of time with your friends and family that you always feel guilty not doing. Its that change of environment that can allow new and helpful perspectives to flood in.

Right now, the most important thing you can do for yourself and your family is to incorporate little opportunities for self care. Many of us may have even neglected this part of our lives before the world was thrown into its most recent perils. The question you need to ask yourself is “how can I take advantage of even the smallest opportunity to make this situation better for everyone around me and especially myself?” Be it a new hobby, enjoying free live music, tapping deeper into your spiritual practice, or even a daycation. The “changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes” philosophy of Mr. Buffett is certainly a healing perscription we all can benefit from right now.

©Copyright 2009 by Jason Wasser, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jason and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Today I saw the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was a deeply moving film. I recommend it highly. And I also wish for you that you allow it to open your heart to yourself and others in a new way.

Benjamin (as you can read anywhere on the internet – so I’m not giving anything away) is born old and gets younger and younger through his life and the movie. You journey with him as he goes through the pains and joys, sorrows and comforts of life.

Again, without giving the movie away, I want to offer what moved me most . . .
That we witness, in reverse, Benjamin’s experience in life as an old man, its effect on him as he goes through his life, and his experience in life as a baby.

One of my early teachers about therapy taught this in my very first class with him – If you haven’t worked through your dependency issues in your childhood, early adulthood, or midlife . . . when you reach your elder years, you will be faced with them all over again, without the benefit of having resolved them.

Think about this. Feel it. We face and meet many of the same experiences in our elder years as we do when we are infants, babies, and children. We are often, no matter how fiercely independent we have come to be, dependent in some way on others who take care of us to some degree. Even before our elder years.

If we had parents who didn’t need for someone to be dependent on them to satisfy their wounded selves – their need to be loved, their need to have power, their need to be needed . . .
If we had parents who were fine to have someone be dependent on them and felt honored to have the task to cherish and to nourish that dependent child into his or her own unique self, becoming all he or she could possibly be . . .Then we have probably lived the passage through the dependency issues already – perhaps with a loose thread here or there that needs to be tended to.

But truthfully, how many people grew up with parents that evolved? That conscious? That un-wounded? That healed?

Most people have had parents who conceived and/or gave birth to their children unconsciously, and for reasons beneath their awareness that only a purposeful process of inner exploration could reveal.

Maybe your parents had you so they would stay connected to each other.
Maybe they had you so your sibling wouldn’t be alone in the world.
Maybe so they wouldn’t be alone, themselves.
Maybe so they would have someone to love or someone to love them.
Perhaps so they would have someone who couldn’t leave them.
Perhaps so they would have someone they could have power over, like their parents had power over them.
These and other reasons greatly affect what it’s like for a child going through the years of gestation, birth, infancy, babyhood, and childhood – the ages of dependency.

Maybe your parents were tickled with you when you were a baby, in the stage of oneness.
Maybe they tried to keep you in the stage of oneness as long as they could, longer than was good for you. And when you began to have a “mind” of your own, a will of your own, including needing to not be “one” anymore . . . perhaps they were triggered by your individuating process – the process of becoming your own person, separate from them. Perhaps they became frustrated, angry, punishing then, without realizing that your movement to become yourself was triggering their own stuckness in their dependency issues, their own stuckness in the stage of oneness in their childhood, their own inability to move through the dependency issues into the unique self they needed to become.

Or maybe your parents were terrified of you when you were a baby. Maybe they wanted to give you away. Maybe you reminded them of their own experience as a baby. Maybe they felt inadequate to give you what you needed and so were frightened every time you needed something. And in their fear either withdrew from you or blamed you, made you feel your needs were not okay, and took it out on you.

These are simply two extremes of possibilities that reveal our not making it through our dependency issues. There are many possibilities in between these extremes.

And there are many outcomes that can emerge from the variety of childhood experiences.
For example, an adult man who might seem completely incapable, and who might seem fine to be that way . . . may have come to believe he is incapable because his parents taught him that in order to keep him with them. He may be longing to know his huge potential and longing to fulfill it. He may not even know it’s possible to do that kind of healing work with a therapist. And an adult woman who may appear to be fiercely independent, may have become that way out of fear of being dependent on anyone in any way . . . because of her frightening experiences of dependency as a child.

If we are to work through our dependency issues, we need to enter the process of how we feel about our own needs, our own feelings, our own asking, our being taken care of or not being taken care of. We need to be able to discern between needs we think are here and now needs and those that are really the needs of the dependent child still alive within us calling to be known, expressed, felt, and responded to in a healthy way . . . purposefully and for healing. In this exploration, we need to stop expecting our boss, our friends, our partner, to take care of our baby needs under the guise of some here and now request or demand. But we need to not try to cut off or get rid of our early needs. Instead we need to learn how to work with and heal in relation to those needs that call from deep within, whether they are baby needs or the needs of our souls. There is a significant teasing apart and diving deep into our inner selves that is calling us!

One more piece I’ll add here, before I stop and give you the time and space to sit with all I am offering: It is in our infancy, our babyhood, and our childhood that we are most powerless.

Whatever we learn about power and powerlessness, the use of power and its misuse or abuse comes from our earliest times in this world. Whatever we decide about power and powerlessness, the use of power and its misuse or abuse, and what we are going to do with our power . . . comes from our earliest times in this world. From the times when we have no thoughts in our minds and no words to express them. The times when our body holds our experiences and is our body/mind/heart all wrapped into one. So our experience of dependency and our experience of power are all entwined beneath our awareness.

The way to untangle them is to delve into the inner exploration of ourselves. To really experience how “then” unconsciously affects “now.” And as you do, to work through your dependency issues and your power issues. It has the potential to change your life now. It has the potential to change your elder years. And it has the potential to change the life of our world!

****************
PS The theme of dependency is particularly poignant at this time in our world . . . for many reasons. To name just a few . . .
* there are still babies being born in our world, who need their parents to do their own inner work of psyche and soul in order to help their children lovingly through their dependency.
* there are millions* of baby boomers who are moving toward their elder years and already facing, or on the verge of facing once again some of their own dependency issues.
* who knows how many million men, women, and children all over our world are experiencing dependency issues as a consequence of poverty, war, or abuse of power in some way?

I give great thanks to all those involved in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for the beautiful work you have co-created and for the inspiration you sparked in me for this article.

It is my prayer that I can help. . .
With my sessions, workshops, and interviews.
With my book and my DVD.
With this article you have just read.
It is my prayer that I can help
in ways not yet known to me.

Many blessings,
Judith

*During the baby boomer years, 1946-1964 (inclusive), 75.8 million Americans were born. The biggest year of the boom was 1957, when 4.3 million boomers were born. Boomers today represent 28% of the U.S. population.
Using the years 1946 through 1964 as boundaries, boomers are now (in 2006) between 42 and 60 years old.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

From the time we are born, relationships are one of the most important things to all of us. Our behavior has the power to either bring people closer to us – or push them away. Consider for a moment the people in your life; your family, friends and intimate partnerships. What is the quality of relationship you have with them?

Are there people in your life who are behaving in a way towards you that causes distress, sadness, confusion or anger? Is there not a shred of evidence to support the possibility that they take responsibility for this and/or willing to make changes for the sake of the relationship? Ask yourself whether this works for you.

On the flip side – do you have a trail of destroyed relationships behind you? Do you put up walls or other blocks to intimacy and human connection? Are you giving out what you want back? Ask yourself if the end result of this has brought you joy – or emptiness?

Behavior That Draws Others In:

*Eye contact
*Listening
*Kindness
*Reliability
*Physical Touch

Behavior That Pushes Others Away:

*Dismissiveness
*Inconsistency
*Criticism
*Dishonesty
*Arrogance

It seems that many people don’t understand the power of behavior to hurt others, that they have a choice not to accept another’s damaging behavior – or a choice to put an end to theirs. Our behavior shapes the quality of our relationships so it’s an important element to consider.

There are many reasons why people behave in the way they do including experiences with important earlier relationships (family of origin), defense mechanisms, how one feels about themselves and general lack of awareness. The important thing is that everyone is responsible for their actions, regardless of “why” they might behave the way they do.

Take an inventory of your life and examine if there’s anything that could benefit from change in the area of your behavior – or accepting other’s behavior. Consider making adjustments in your life if need be. If you determine that you have healthy relationships with others in your life and there is no need for any change – good for you! Consider yourself very fortunate – and tell one of these people how much you appreciate them tomorrow.

©Copyright 2008 by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“You can outdistance that which is running after you, but you cannot outdistance that which is running inside you.” -African Proverb

My soul thirsted for down time, as if it was parched for the very fundamental nature of itself. Two weeks off from all that was my daily life and practice. Read. Write. Rest. Heal. Yet, as my soul and body thirsted for it, my ego struggled with the decision. My mind knew that I needed the time away to recover from a medical procedure. Not a big deal; it knew all of the valid reasons for it. I couldn’t imagine that my ego would argue with me. But, it did. And it yelled loudly.

The Hurricane

When is the last time that you focused on really, truly, not “doing” anything? My ego wanted me to stay busy, do usual activities, drive forward, and, ultimately, keep things the same. It was becoming agitated by the very stillness that the absence of those activities would create. Yet, my soul knew that the calmness was exactly what was necessary. And, by wanting to keep things the same, my ego wanted to distract me from whatever it was that I could not outdistance. Oscar Wilde once said, “Nothing is so aggravating than calmness.” For the first few days of my down time, I agreed with him.

I knew that I was in this place of anxiety because I had chosen to be. I was becoming agitated, not because of the change of pace, but because I knew something was just waiting to be “looked at.” There was something there that I could not outdistance. The more I avoided it, the more I “danced around it,” the stronger and more emphatic my ego’s energy became. It whirled around me as if a ferocious hurricane hovering over the horizon.

The Eye

So often, we don’t want to “look” at what is right in front of us. The ego helps us to make a “story,” a “reason,” a “distraction,” for things to appear as they are. Ironically, we all have different stories. But, whatever the reality is, once the ego can’t do its frantic “hurricane like” job anymore, what is inside, sits waiting to be acknowledged. It sits in the eye of the storm.

For me, it was accepting a significant loss in my life. A dear friend’s path was taking her on a separate one to mine. Distance. Time. Events. Whatever it was, it wasn’t malicious. It was just unfolding. Nevertheless, whatever the “story” my ego wanted to create, the reality is that I had to say goodbye, and acknowledge what was already gone, my control over it. The irony is that I had to allow my soul to let the grief in, rather than allow the hurricane of activity to distract me from it. Being in the eye of the hurricane, looking out from the inside, eventually became more calming, than trying to hold on to its stormy edges, for dear life. I had to dive into the hurricane, feel it, and let go of my ego’s illusion of control over it.

Perhaps you have had the awareness that you are holding onto something, staying distracted, or running from whatever it is on the “inside.” The ego wants to keep you away from the eye of the hurricane; the soul just wants you to be authentic, feel it, process it, and release the energy’s hold over you. I knew that I had to, and maybe you do too.

The Contract

I looked at it, not only because I needed to, but also because I believe wholeheartedly, that we have a responsibility to heal ourselves. What ever your story, or whatever it is that you are being asked to look at, maybe you can relate to this point. We are put on this earth to “do our work” as it were. And, because the universe is a stubborn but loving one, if we don’t, it just shows up again and again to send the message home.

It is my opinion that you, as I have, chose this path, or it chose us. Whatever the case may be, we cannot ask our clients, friends, loved ones to tread into the deepest, darkest places of their souls, without having the courage, tenacity, and compassion for ourselves, to do the same.

It is an energetic contract. To be allowed to do this work with my clients requires my continued willingness to accept and look at opportunities for growth. I was being asked to grow, and I had been blind sided by it, as if the hurricane tossed my body aside like a rag doll. But, I knew that the only choice to make was to look at it. Perhaps you too, will leap into the eye of your hurricane. Maybe we can all meet there, in stillness, even if Oscar Wilde disagrees.

©Copyright 2008 by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
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Because most of us like to think of ourselves as nice, thoughtful and kind, saying no may be something that can be difficult for us. We all seek behavior that is consistent with our self concept. If we think that saying no makes us unloving and unaccommodating, therefore in conflict with our valued self image, we will struggle with saying no.

I recently saw the movie 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama. In the movie the Dalai Lama, the leader of the Buddhist religion, turned away interviewers who seemed disrespectful or disingenuous. This was a revelation for me. I was surprised somehow because I believed that he would most likely entertain anybody who asked. It was personally liberating to see that he didn’t suffer fools gladly. He quickly sent away those people he felt were wasting his time. In other words, he said no.

The Buddhist nun Pema Chodron calls compassion that essentially leads us to say yes when we need to say no “dumb compassion”. I am a big believer in compassion as a powerful force of love in the world. Yet, when we are extending ourselves in a way that is detrimental to ourselves or others, we are exhibiting dumb compassion. To enable others with our “yes” and condone, sanction and assist others in behavior that hurts us or them is an example of dumb compassion. It isn’t more benevolent to say yes when we need to say no.

If we have said “no” three times and they don’t seem to respect our “no” we can be assured they are trying to control us. We may need to walk away if we aren’t being listened to.

Certainly, if saying “no” is okay for the Dalai Lama, whose name means monk with wisdom as big as the ocean, it is undoubtedly okay for you and I.

©Copyright 2008 by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.