With football season nearing end, emotionally charged teen boys, who are taught how to use aggression on the field, will no longer be able to use that physical outlet for their youthful frustrations. Because of the high level of violence in the sport, experts have wondered if these teens, who are encouraged to use coercion, intimidation, and other aggressive tactics during play, are more likely to engage in bullying behaviors off the field than their nonathlete peers. Nearly half of teens today report that they have been either the victim or perpetrator of bullying. And although football does not endorse bullying, players are encouraged to aspire to masculine norms and conformity. Therefore, researchers have asked, do these factors make the players more vulnerable to bullying behaviors?
To answer this question, Jesse A. Steinfeldt of the Department of Counseling and Educational Psychology at Indiana University-Bloomington led a study involving 206 high school football players and looked at peer relationships, masculine conformity, bullying beliefs, and male role models. The results revealed that the football players would only accept or encourage bullying behavior if their peers did. Additionally, the players who conformed the most to masculine norms were among the most likely to bully, regardless of peer influence. Adhering and aspiring to masculine norms has been shown to negatively influence psychological well-being and can increase one’s risk for depression, sexual aggression, substance abuse, and low self-worth.
However, Steinfeldt discovered the highest risk factor for accepting bullying behaviors was having a male role model who also endorsed bullying. Specifically, the most influential male in the boys’ lives, whether it was a coach, uncle, father, or big brother, was the strongest indicator of bullying behavior. This discovery has significant implications for interventions and youth programs that target bullying. Steinfeldt said, “Thus, psychologists working with adolescent football players may want to consider bullying within the broader context, particularly the ways that traditional masculine norms are conveyed by peers and influential males within the unique context of football.†Steinfeldt also suggested that psychologists who work with teen football players might consider asking coaches and fathers to participate in the design and delivery of interventions in order to more powerfully influence the teens.
Reference:
Steinfeldt, J. A., Vaughan, E. L., LaFollette, J. R., & Steinfeldt, M. C. (2012, January 23). Bullying Among Adolescent Football Players: Role of Masculinity and Moral Atmosphere. Psychology of Men & Masculinity. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026645
In my neck of the woods the majority of therapists see mainly women (probably about 80% of their clients). Not so for me – more than half my clients are male, and when I work with a couple it is more often the men who initiate conjoint therapy. I think this is because many guys tend to become very uptight about their penis, what Paul Joannides (author of The Guide to Getting It On) calls “deadwood – the bummer in your pants”. Many of the men I work with are concerned about their system crashing when their pants are off!
I’m not comfortable diagnosing erection problems as “erectile dysfunction.â€Â I hate labeling, and the “dys†implies failure and the overwhelming shame that goes along with it. I never click on the links that come with the numerous ads in my spam folder offering “your instant cure for impotence†(why are they sending these to ME?). Viagra can make a huge difference but masks the issues that cause the tissues to stay soft.
It’s not just men over 50 who have erection problems. They happen to men of all ages, from teens on up. Often erectile challenges crop up quite early in a sexual relationship when folks are just beginning to find their sexual rhythms together. Many guys are nervous that their performance is not up to par – they may require a few weeks or even months to find their groove. Especially when the couple moves from dating to mating in domesticity!
So gals, remember that expecting a guy to get it up straight away could be a big mistake – especially if you truly feel that he’s the man for you.
It can make for a big opportunity to look beyond sexual performance to deep bonding with each another. The danger is not the lack of an erection, but what each of you makes of it. When a woman needs her partner’s erection to validate that she’s desirable, a short term problem can quickly become long term.
Recently a 23 year old client described a typical scenario with his fiancée, with whom he has a long distance relationship. “So it’s Friday evening and we’re coming home from a romantic dinner. She says, ‘Wanna have sex when we get home?’ and I panic! I feel like all the blood is draining from my body. It’s this deep seated fear that I won’t be able to get an erection 30 minutes from now and it becomes self-fulfilling and self-defeating. How do I get control over my own body?â€
He was extremely surprised when I suggested that trying to “get control†was precisely the problem. Viagra did indeed help with his attempts to stave off what he called “hydraulic failure.†But the blue pills were only part of the picture for this couple. In this kind of situation I usually sit down with both people separately as well as seeing them together. I call this my three-legged stool approach. When you eliminate one leg the stool often topples.
His fiancée had been blaming herself, “He obviously doesn’t find me attractive any more. I’ve gained some weight…†etc. Once I helped her to realize that his erection problems had nothing to do with her, it turned out that she wasn’t nearly as attached to a hard penis as he had imagined.
Viagra produced the requisite hard-ons but was no help at all when this couple couldn’t laugh together or let go of their attachment to having things go a certain way between the sheets. They needed to learn more about intimacy. Many couples require some help deepening their intimacy, and therapy can provide the tools.
Joannides again: “When it comes to making love, relationship issues trump d*** issues.â€
“Gay and bisexual men experience numerous negative health conditions, including high rates of mental health problems,†said Beth N. Fischgrund of the Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Northwestern University, and lead author of a new study examining masculinity and mental health in gay and bisexual men. “Empirical studies show that a strong adherence to masculine norms is correlated with poor health outcomes, such as mental health problems and risky sexual behaviors.†National studies have shown that gay men are nearly twice as likely to suffer from depression and anxiety as heterosexual men, and that suicide rates for these men are nearly double those of other men.
The way gay and bisexual men perceive their masculinity has a significant impact on mental health. “Society’s messages about sexuality are not the only cultural attitudes that sexual minority men are confronted with; cultural attitudes also delineate what it means to be a man,†said Fischgrund. She added that some men may exhibit hyper-masculine behaviors when they feel their masculinity is being threatened. “Gay men who endorse hyper-masculine norms might then experience identity incongruence when they are presented with general society’s norms that differ and contradict their own. In these situations, the more integral the hyper-masculine norms are to a man’s identity, the more psychological distress he may experience.â€
For her study, Fischgrund recruited 311 gay and bisexual men, nearly a third of which reported an HIV positive status. “Among these gay and bisexual men, those who adhered to norms that incorporate an interpersonal aspect of masculinity (i.e., conceptions of masculinity as social behavior or as sexual  behavior) endorsed higher levels of mental health distress than did men who adhered to norms that focus on the intrapersonal aspects of masculinity (i.e., conceptions of masculinity as physical appearance),†said Fischgrund. “Additionally, men who did not know their HIV status endorsed higher levels of depression.†She emphasized the importance of her findings. “Speciï¬cally, designing programs that center on altering the social and sexual masculine norms within the gay male community are needed to decrease the mental health burden of gay and bisexual men, which has been shown to be associated with HIV risky behaviors.â€
Reference:
Fischgrund, B. N., Halkitis, P. N., & Carroll, R. A. (2011, October 24). Conceptions of Hypermasculinity and Mental Health States in Gay and Bisexual Men. Psychology of Men & Masculinity. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0024836
Lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) clients may form better alliances with therapists who have similar sexual orientations, according to a new study. This new study done by researchers at the Graduate School of Education at Fordham University examined gay and bisexual men in therapy who had therapists of the same sexual orientation. Trends found in the research may be applicable to the LGB community at large. Thomas I. Stracuzzi, lead author of the study, said that when LGB clients share the same sexual orientation with their therapists, they may achieve better treatment outcomes because the alliance developed between the client and therapist begins with identification and trust. Stracuzzi said, “From this perspective, LGB counselors may be more likely than their heterosexual colleagues to have the knowledge and attitudes associated with successful clinical work with LGB clients and the possibility that LGB clients may fare best with counselors who are LGB or are perceived to be LGB.†Additionally, some experts believe that cultural diversity, including universal-diverse orientation (UDO), self-reported or perceived, provides a common platform from which a LGB client and their therapist can develop a strong alliance. “For some LGB clients, it can be especially meaningful to work with a counselor who also is LGB,†said Stracuzzi. He added, “However, counselor disclosure may inhibit client exploration of issues related to sexual identity due to clients’ assumptions about how their counselor’s sexual orientation might influence the counselor’s understanding of and reactions to the client. For example, a gay male client may mistakenly assume that his gay male counselor understands aspects of his experience due to their shared sexual identity.â€
Stracuzzi and his colleagues interviewed 83 male LGB clients. Of the therapists who worked with the men, some told their clients their sexual orientation, while others did not. The researchers discovered that the clients whose therapists revealed their orientation experienced a smooth, strong, working alliance. But the clients who assumed the sexual orientation of their therapists did not form strong alliances. The team added, “However, findings do suggest that LGB-affirming counselors should be aware that clients do not always accurately perceive their counselor’s orientation and that perceived similarity—whether accurate or not—may negatively affect the therapeutic process.â€
Reference:
Stracuzzi, Thomas I., Jonathan J. Mohr, and Jairo N. Fuertes. “Gay and Bisexual Male Clients’ Perceptions of Counseling: The Role of Perceived Sexual Orientation Similarity and Counselor Universal-diverse Orientation.” Journal of Counseling Psychology 58.3 (2011): 299-309. Print.
Research shows that men are far less likely to seek therapy than women when confronted with anxiety, depression, anger or other psychological problems. Although this clearly suggests that many men are being undertreated for significant mental health issues, this dynamic also affects the field of research. C. Edward Watkins, Jr. Ph.D., of the University of North Texas, recently asked an essential question, “How many men have actually been involved in short-term and long-term psychodynamic treatment research?†Watkins looked at 86 separate studies from six reviews over the last ten years to find an answer. “Those six reviews/meta-analyses were selected for scrutiny because they covered a broad spectrum of disorders (mental and physical), have received considerable attention in the medical, psychiatric, and psychological literature, and have appeared in what are well-respected, peer-reviewed medical, psychiatric, or psychoanalytic journals,†said Watkins.
Watkins realized that overall women were represented more than men in clinical studies, 60% versus 40%. Additionally, Watkins noticed that a large portion of the studies that did have male subjects tended to focus on addiction issues, leaving many other psychological treatment studies void of male data. Overall, he found that 11% of the studies had no male participants at all, and 23% of the studies only contained data from six males or less. “We clearly see here both positives and negatives to our picture,†said Watkins. “Male research participants tend to be more difï¬cult to secure than females in psychological research generally; that appears to be no less so for both short-term and long-term psychodynamic treatment research. In our efforts to amass the most complete, fully informed, and ever-informative female and male psychodynamic treatment database upon which to draw, that may well be an enduring problem with which we as researchers will have to continue to struggle and work to creatively address in the decades ahead.â€
Reference:
Watkins, C. E., Jr. (2011, August 29). THE STUDY OF MEN IN SHORT-TERM AND LONG-TERM PSYCHODYNAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY: A Brief Research Note. Psychoanalytic Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0025183
My husband was surprised the first time he got a Father’s Day card from our kids. Not having any kids of his own, his assumed role of step-father was one he was utterly unfamiliar with. He had been raised by his mother and has never known his father. Perhaps that is why that the whole concept of celebrating Father’s Day was foreign to him. When he first saw the cards lying on the table, he did not realize they were for him. After a few moments, it sunk in and a look of confusion and trepidation came over him. After graciously accepting them from the kids, and thanking them profusely, he shared with me his true feelings.
He was uncomfortable at first, being recognized as a dad. He had no frame of reference for this title, and felt very awkward accepting gifts that he did not feel he deserved. My husband saw himself as an active parent in my children’s lives. But he shared that role, and does to this day, with their biological father. Their “real dad†is very present in their lives and sees them weekly. He speaks to them almost every day and is pretty up to speed on the events that transpire in their worlds. But my husband, their “other dad,†is the one who interacts with them daily. He is the one who bathes them, shops for them, tucks them in, attends their events and listens to their problems. So as each year passes, I wonder how sharing that title sits with each of the dads. (more…)
Many people in relationships feel this way, exasperated because they are doing everything they know how to do to make their partner feel loved. Couples come into my office usually at the end of their rope because they have tried, and tried, and tried to make the marriage work and nothing they have tried seems to be making it better. This is so frustrating for couples. It drains the life out of many marriages and relationships. It pushes people so hard sometimes they end up convincing themselves they just can’t make this marriage work anymore and they end up leaving. This can be frustrating and maddening for people who want to love each other but can’t find a way to do that.
Everyone starts off with the best intentions. Good people work their hardest to make a marriage or relationship work. Usually people have lots of successes in their lives. They look at their histories and they say to themselves, “Heck, I know how to achieve things. I am a success at school and work. I am good at getting things done. I can accomplish things. I can make this work.â€Â The best intentions drive people to do things for the other person. That’s our nature. If we choose to be in a relationship, we have decided to do what we can to make it work. (more…)
This is the first of a two-part article series about a men’s therapy group I conduct on a weekly basis. This men’s group was established a little over a year ago, and consists of eight members. The group is an excellent example of men’s issues in contemporary America—their roles as men in a complicated world, their relationships, and their emotional and psychological struggles. As a psychotherapist who has worked with men in various settings for over 30 years, I am continuously impressed and deeply touched by these men—their honesty in dealing with difficult life problems, their ability to be vulnerable and to openly share deep emotional struggles, their compassion and empathy with each other, their courage to embrace their individuality, and to make difficult changes when necessary.
In this blog entry I’ll talk about the importance of this type of group and the major issues and concerns addressed in the group. I believe these observations will highlight some of the most pressing concerns that men face today, in a world where there is no clear definition of a man’s role—actually, there are often conflicting expectations and unreasonable demands.
Where do men turn today to get help and support for their struggles with feelings, relationships, stress, and other problems? Some men are fortunate in having strong, supportive relationships with a spouse or life partner, loving family members they can talk to, and sometimes a church group or other support system. However, studies suggest that a majority of men struggle in silence. They may be socially isolated, their marital and other relationship problems may result in an inability to talk things over, and a combination of fear and shame inhibit them from reaching out to others. Most men are averse to therapy or professional counseling, where they are asked to talk about their feelings and communicate in a manner that is often foreign to them. Our job, as men, is to protect and provide for others, we’re the hunters and warriors. We are not designed biologically or neurologically to sit in an office and talk about our vulnerabilities.
Fortunately, men are finding new ways to join together to talk and share their struggles with other men. There is a new psychology of men today, informed by recent findings from cultural anthropology, modern brain science, social psychology, and other fields. Men are finding therapists who specialize in working with men’s issues, and more men’s therapy groups are available today than ever before.
[fat_widget_left]This men’s therapy group meets weekly for two hours. The men range in age from their early 20s to early 60s with the average age at about 44. All but two are married, one is in a long term relationship. All work full-time jobs, some professional, some blue collar. Why did they decide to join a men’s group? All of the men had concerns about relationships. Some of them struggle with life stress, anger, anxiety, and depression. Many of them were dealing with self-doubt and shame, not feeling good enough about themselves as men.
This is a process oriented psychotherapy group. That means that we focus on the here and now, what actually happens in the group between the members. We talk about feelings that come up in the group, their emotional responses to each other, and the kind of relationships that develop between them. We start each group session with a check-in. Each group member talks for two minutes about their week—any problem areas or concerns that come up during the week—and they claim time if they want to spend more time talking about a specific issue or problem area. Usually, three or four of the men claim time. After everyone checks in, we focus on the men who claim time.
As they talk about their current concerns—relationship problems, work issues, etc.—the other men and I intervene with various comments. The comments range from suggestions to confrontations. Suggestions by other group members are common (men are the decision makers and fixers, they love to come up with solutions). The men have learned to make supportive and empathetic statements; after a year together, they easily relate to each other. They often talk about how reassuring it is that other men have the same kind of problems and feelings. At times, the men will challenge each other with confrontational statements. For example, when John is “in his head,†intellectualizing and rationalizing, avoiding his fears and shame regarding his relationship with his wife, group members will confront him by telling him to “get out of your head,†and get real with his feelings. Often they tell each other how they relate or identify with specific feelings, and situations.
The membership in this group has been remarkably stable. Five of the men have been in the group since it was established a little over a year ago. The other three joined the group about seven months ago. They have developed very close, supportive, even loving relationships. I was amazed the first time I heard one of the men say to the others “I love you guys.†These days, that type of statement is almost commonplace. They talk about how they look forward to the group each week. They frequently contact each other between sessions to talk about an emerging problem, or just to check-in with one another. I encourage them to bring these conversations back to the group, and this happens frequently without my prompting. The men even get together for dinner, and then talk about their conversations during the next group session.
It’s a joy to work with these men. They are often good-natured, there’s plenty of joking around before and during each group session; yet they can get very serious, talking about their deepest fears and self-doubts. They are not afraid to be intimate, hugging each other after every group, and they often congregate in the parking lot after sessions to continue some discussions. I’ve seen progress at different levels for each of the men; some report improved relationships, many talk about feeling better about themselves and their lives.
There are times I wish I was a member, and not the therapist.
Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I’ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I’ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are often stuck in an adolescent level of development – literally, LATE to grow into full adult functioning.
We all have four primary internal parts: An Inner Child, a Teenager, an Inner Critic, and a loving, responsible Adult. The Teenager seeks independence, identity, and acceptance with peers. Teens may also become rebellious, angry, confused and withdrawn. Adjustment problems are more likely to occur in distressed or dysfunctional families, where adolescents do not receive the guidance, emotional support, and other resources necessary for healthy maturation and individuation. (more…)