It seems that most couples struggle with criticism, though some tolerate it better than others. Nevertheless, criticism of, or from, your partner will happen periodically. This post provides an alternative way to manage criticism that may help sidestep defensiveness. Here are some common options when we want to be critical of our partner:

1. Keep our mouths shut, and say nothing. Besides, we all were told that if we didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything, right? (This one probably fell in to the category of “do as I say, don’t do as I do.”)
2. Provide unvarnished criticism, regardless of the impact it may have on our partner, and ultimately on the relationship. If it leads to defensiveness, an argument, a fight, so be it, just deal with it.
3. Sugarcoat it, water it down, either because you can’t deal with your reaction to your partner’s reaction to your critical remark, or you want to protect your partner from his/her feelings that surely will arise from being criticized. (“You can’t handle the truth!”) Maybe there is an alternative, an option that satisfies both sides of a chronically thorny equation: On the one hand, how to get your point across without selling yourself out, while on the other hand lowering the odds of running in to defensiveness.

Enter the complaint. Sit alongside that of criticism, let us compare the two, see how they differ, and why it matters. A complaint is about the one complaining, and a criticism is about the other, the listener. Or, the complaint is about me, and a criticism is about you. Take a guess as to which one will usually be easier for the listener to hear: the complaint. Why? A complaint is not about the listener, and therefore tends to lower the risk of listener defensiveness.

Not only that, if I’m talking about me (instead of you) I have a much better chance of being understood. The goal of transforming a criticism into a complaint is to increase the odds of the speaker being heard and understood, while simultaneously reducing the odds of the listener being defensive. Ultimately, the goal of the process is to preserve the closeness and intimacy of the relationship.

Consider the following vignette: On long road trips, the majority of the driving is done by the same partner. One of the difficulties for the passenger is that the driver tends to speed—we’re talking about 90 mph to 95 mph versus the limit of 75 mph. They have never had an accident, nor a speeding ticket, but they are constantly bickering about the speed and the danger. The driver doesn’t understand what the “big deal” is, and the passenger doesn’t think the driver cares about the passenger.

The passenger criticizes: “You are the worst driver ever! For you, it’s all about the speed and the thrill! You have no respect for the fact that you might get us both killed!  And one of these days you will get a ticket—it’s only a matter of time! You have no respect for what it’s like being a passenger when you’re the driver! Nobody likes the way you drive!”

In this case, there is a lot of accusation, attack and judgment, while focusing on the driver/listener.

The passenger complains: “When you drive 95 mph, I feel so scared! I’m am so afraid of speed, that I literally sit in sheer terror when I look at the speedometer, and when I see us pass other cars at what feels like warp speed! And when I tell you how I feel about all of this, it seems to me it doesn’t matter to you. Please understand I am not telling you what to do or not do, I am telling you how I feel and why. After this last trip, I am going to have to re-think whether or not I can drive with you on long trips. I may have to fly and meet you there.

In this instance, the main focus is the passenger, feeling states, and possible decisions about future travel the passenger might make based on experience. There is no attack, judgmental attitude or accusation.

Re-read each one again. The main difference between them is that the critical one is all about the driver, and the complaint is all about the passenger. Bottom line, which way would you rather hear the speaker? No doubt, some of you who are less conflict averse will prefer the direct criticism, or at least might not be derailed by it. Others may want to hone their skill of complaining.

And by the way, complaining is NOT the same as whining! Complaints require that you talk about yourself, not your partner. Complaints are NOT “I” statements. Complaints are descriptive statements about your experience which, indeed, may contain the word “you,” such as, “… when you drive 95 mph I feel scared!” The purpose of the complaint is to detail your experience, make it real for the listener. While generally not responding favorably to demands, listeners do tend to respond more favorably to hearing the speaker’s experiences and behavioral changes the speaker makes in response to their experiences.

Why? Because when I become aware of the impact of my behavior on you, I can then access empathy or compassion for you. That often results in behavior change because ultimately I do not want you to feel bad. On the other hand, while being criticized, which is often experienced as an attack, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to simultaneously feel empathic. Attack triggers the fight or flight response, not the compassion response.

Is it possible to be critical without attacking? Certainly, but it takes couples working out a system they can both agree on, practice, become comfortable with, and trust. In the meantime, try developing the art of the complaint. Remember—it requires you to talk about yourself, take responsibility for yourself, while not attempting to change your partner.

It is devastating for a partner to find out that the person they love is battling sex addiction by losing themselves in pornography or, even worse, engaging in multiple affairs. The partner is questioning whether they even want to be in the relationship, let alone rebuild trust. However, if both are willing to do the hard work by taking a look at what each individual needs to labor through and agree to a transparent and consistent plan, trust can be rebuilt and eventually restored.

So what does it take to make restoring trust possible? Here are a few important factors that can help the couple on their journey toward healing:

Understand the difference in forgiveness and trust.

Remember, forgiveness is for the person that has been hurt, not the offender! This releases them from holding the offense over the other person and gives them the chance to start healing. Too often, the sex addict feels that forgiveness equals trust and that can cause frustration for both individuals involved. Trust has to be rebuilt and restored over time where forgiveness is a choice when the time is right. Forgiveness can be a great step but it is only that, a step. If this principle can clearly be grasped, especially by the one battling sex addiction, it can go a long way in alleviating pressure from an already tense situation. (more…)

Here’s some interesting new insight into the human mind: first perceptions are even harder to overcome than most people had realized. According to research conducted on an international scale, our first impression of a person, place or idea becomes our brain’s default perception. If we later learn information that contradicts that perception, our brain categorizes it as an exception, rather than using the information to alter the rule. Specifically, we associate the exception with the context of that new information; all other contexts get the ‘default’ association. Say, for example, your first impression of a new coworker is negative, but you end up having a pleasant conversation when you run into him or her at the gym and change your mind. In the context of the gym, you’ll see the person more positively, but anywhere else (be it work, or even a new environment such as a restaurant), you’ll still be guided by your first impression.

This insight is especially interesting for therapists and counselors who help clients overcome phobias, said lead author Bertram Gawronski. “If someone with phobic reactions to spiders is seeking help from a psychologist, the therapy will be much more successful if it occurs in multiple different contexts rather than just in the psychologist’s office.” A similar pattern may be relevant for people struggling with profound anxiety and even PTSD. Learning healthy coping strategies in the therapist’s office can be helpful, but the idea of concept-based perception may explain why people sometimes feel less confident in their ability to apply those strategies in their daily life. (more…)

As the New Year begins, we think about resolutions. Though couples may have resolved to have a better relationship, resolve their differences, have less conflict, it occurred to us that we don’t really “resolve” issues in relationships.

“Resolving” connotes the process of solving a problem or difficulty, finding an answer, making a decision, bringing a disagreement to an end. Though we certainly do solve problems, make decisions and conclude conflicts with our partners, we never fully finish. Most couples have chronic issues that they continue to dialogue about during the lifetime of their marriages. Actually, our relationships are in a continual process of “evolution,” growing healthier and stronger or becoming weaker and more fragile. As 2011 gets off to a start we want to share our thoughts with you about “Relationship Evolution.”

“Relationship Evolution” is the never-ending, continual process of consciously creating the head, heart, hormone connection through the ongoing actions and words exchanged between two people. (more…)

Has my entire marriage been a lie? Am I to blame? Is there any hope for my marriage? Is divorce my best option? These are just a few of the questions that will run through your mind after discovering a partner’s sexual betrayal and sex addiction. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions.

You want to, first, encourage the betraying-spouse to take care of himself or herself while you seek support. Next, don’t make any permanent or rash decisions while the feelings are raw and fresh. Finally, realize that divorce does not have to be the answer, if both individuals in are willing to follow an intentional path toward healing the relationship.

Let’s take a look at these intentional, choices that can make healing a reality, in a relationship overwhelmed by sexual addiction.

• Both partners are willing to do their own work: Though there may come a time down the road for each individual to go to counseling together, it is very important for each person to be committed to a plan that will help them individually. The betraying partner may not be in a place to consider working on the marriage. Rather than forcing that the issue, work your own plan to deal with the grieving, the pain, the anger, and the actual betrayal. Focus on who you are, first, before concerning yourself with your role in the relationship, and how it has/will change. At the same time, the partner that has done the betraying needs to have a very clear and specific plan for himself or herself, individually.  If this step does not take place, it will prove to be very challenging. Each partner needs to be committed to their individual healing. [fat_widget_right]

• Steps to stop the sexual addictive behaviors: Once a betrayed-spouse knows about the sexually addictive choices and behaviors his/her partner has engaged in, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay engaged in the relationship. Major steps to end the behavior(s) need to be taken. This does not make him/her the dictator, but it is fair for the betrayed-spouse to set boundaries which state that, in order to stay together, the addictive behavior(s) must stop. This can look different for each couple, from having check-in meetings, to creating an actual written agreement. Again, this goes back to the betraying-partner’s willingness to face their sexual addiction, take accountability, get counseling, and engage in an openness of sharing that will foster and rebuild trust. This will have a dual benefit to the relationship. The hurt partner will see an effort in their spouse to take care of him or herself and also begin to honor the relationship. The partner facing the battle with sexual addiction will finally get some freedom from the shame they have been living with, and begin to find a new approach to life.

• Be willing to give each other space and respect each other’s healing process and timeline: Too often, when the betraying-spouse unloads on their partner, they feel a sense of relief; A weight has been lifted from living in lies. At the same time, their partner is realizing a terrible truth about the marriage in a way he/she never dreamed would happen. Now is NOT the time to press an agenda, other than agreeing to each take steps toward healing, and respecting that each person will progress at their own pace. By working on an individual path, each partner will be focusing their energy on him/herself, while, at the same time, honoring the work the other is doing. Each partner will have time to adjust to the changes that are now taking place in his/her own life.

Where divorce does not have to be discussed at this point, it will, more than likely, cross each partners’ mind. Before this decision is made, or things are said that will be difficult to overcome, take some time to work through each of these steps. Again, if there is going to be hope, and eventually healing, each partner will have to be committed to first focusing on themselves and then, when each is at a safe place and most likely with the guidance of a therapist, they can begin to take steps to restore their relationship.

What is the relationship between having a problem with your significant other and not having individuated successfully?

Successful individuation means that you have navigated into young adulthood and developed a sense of your unique self. Moreover, you have developed a comfort with that self, and are not easily swayed when faced with the pull from your parents and early significant others to be someone other than who you are. This means you can tolerate the feeling that others may not fully agree with or approve of your choices, feelings, desires, actions, or beliefs.

If you have not successfully individuated—and this is always a matter of degree—you will have difficulty asserting yourself in significant relationships and may experience anxiety and lack of self-esteem or self-confidence as you engage in your life.

There are many ways that problems can arise between couples when one or both partners have had problems individuating. “Dan” and “Laura” are a composite couple, based on the couples I work with in couples therapy. Their relationship illustrates the kinds of dynamics that can interfere with optimal functioning in a relationship.

Dan and Lara’s Relationship

Dan and Lara are both 24 years old. They met during their senior year of college. After dating casually for about three months, they thought of themselves as a couple and agreed to an exclusive relationship. They describe themselves as happy together; they share interests, and assume they will marry in the coming year. They entered couples therapy when Lara started to feel anxious about getting married. Dan was surprised by Lara’s feelings and feared that Lara would leave him. He couldn’t make sense of why, when they didn’t fight and they seemed so compatible, Lara would have any worries.[fat_widget_relationships_left]

As we talked in couples therapy, Lara began to express some of her worries. She worried about the fact that Dan always agreed with her. He never expressed any wishes for different friends, entertainment choices, or political ideas. At first Lara thought it was great that they didn’t fight and she always got what she wanted. When Dan and Lara moved in together, Dan was fine with anything Lara wanted to do to decorate the apartment.

After a while, Lara began to wish for more collaboration. When she asked Dan what he would like, he always replied, “Whatever you want is okay with me.” In our sessions, Lara realized that this left her feeling uneasy and wondering, “Where is Dan? Who is Dan?”

Dan was surprised to learn about Lara’s feelings. He said he felt that Lara had very clear ideas about what she wanted and he didn’t, so it was fine with him. He said he sensed that the choices that Lara made were very important to her and that she would not like to be required to do things or choose things that were different from her own wishes.  This was okay with Dan. His thinking was that there was no point in making Lara angry if the choice was of no consequence to him.

Let’s look at Dan and Lara’s individuation experiences so we can see what sense of self each person brought into the relationship, and how the interaction between these selves plays out to create the ways Lara and Dan relate.

Dan’s Individuation Experience

Dan described his relationship with his parents as very close. He felt they appreciated and approved of his choices. But as we explored his early life, it became apparent that Dan’s parents were very controlling and had very definite ideas about the right and wrong ways to do things. For example, they insisted that Dan go out for sports, even though he recalled that he really preferred to play music.

Thinking back, he remembered that he didn’t want to fight with his parents. When he would express his own wishes, they would respond to him in a dismissive way, leaving him uncertain about his ability to make good choices for himself. Over time, he learned to enjoy his parents’ admiration for being the son they wanted, rather than risk their negative feelings to become his own unique self.  In our work together, Dan realized that as long as there was no conflict in his relationship with his parents, he could feel good about himself. Conflict made him question the validity of his ideas and jeopardized his feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem.

He soon recognized how this pattern was repeating itself with Lara. The sense of self that predominated in his relationship with Lara was that he was loveable and admirable as long as he didn’t create conflict. He believed that she, like his parents, seemed to know what was right. If he could rely on her to make choices for him, there would be no conflict. He could maintain feelings of competence and self-worth as long as Lara was happy with him. With any sense of unhappiness on her part, Dan’s self-esteem diminished and he became anxious and self-critical.

Lara’s Individuation Experience

Lara’s experiences with individuation were very different from Dan’s. Lara’s parents were also very controlling, but unlike Dan, she didn’t become the person her parents wanted her to be. She remembers being 8 or 9 and getting into fights with her mother over her power to chose what to wear to school. She decided to stop fighting, wear her mother’s choice, and then bring what she wanted to wear and change at school.

Over time, she developed strategies to avoid conflict with her parents and to do what she wanted. She didn’t share her feelings with them, and relied on friends and her grandmother to be able to express what her parents didn’t want to hear. Her friends and grandmother played an important role in her development of self-confidence and self-worth. Her grandmother admired her take-charge approach to her life, and they became confidantes. By the time she was in high school, Lara’s grandmother was turning to her for advice. This had a large influence on Lara’s belief that she had good ideas, could trust herself to know what she wanted and that the things she wanted were right. The sense of self that predominated in her relationship with Dan was that she was competent and knew what was right. She felt loved and approved of when this perception was validated.

Starting the day with fibromyalgia pain made Vera angry

Fibromyalgia made it hard for 46 year old Vera to get her legs out of bed in the morning. As she moved toward the bathroom and began her toilette, the pangs of pain moved to her hands, head and neck. It brought tears to her eyes. It made her angry to think that Kurt hadn’t even thought of organizing things around the house to make life a little easier for her. Vera remembered the arguments about accompanying her on doctor appointments and got even angrier. But she never said anything to him. She turned her mind to the support group she would attend later that day, although it wasn’t successful in easing her physical discomfort.

Vera found it easier to focus on the fibromyalgia pain than her scary emotions

As she ate breakfast, flashbacks of her early family file flooded Vera’s vision. She relived the tension she used to feel coming home from school wondering if her parents would fight out loud or give each other the cold shoulder. Her mother would take out her frustration on Vera the oldest and quietest of her kids. Her muscles tightened up as she recalled the fear of uncertainty and not knowing how to speak about her worries. It was the same thing now. She didn’t know how to talk about the anxiety of not being able to take care of herself. Vera had no words for the anger at her father for not making her mother happy, and at Kurt for being equally insensitive and uncaring. What she did have was body pain that ranged from dull aches to excruciating pain for which no specific organic cause had been found. Fibromyalgia was the diagnosis. It came with fatigue, slowing down of actions and restricting her life. It was making Vera dependent on pain medication and on a husband who let her down, repeating the cycle of her childhood. (more…)

When sex addiction surfaces in a relationship, the focus tends to revolve around addressing the symptoms and causes of the addiction and the steps toward healing for the person with the addiction. In the process, the well-being of that person’s partner or spouse may be overlooked. The partner is likely to feel betrayal upon discovering the addictive behaviors of his or her partner. Although there may be times when a spouse suspects or feels something is amiss, many times, spouses are caught totally off-guard, they may feel alone, and it can be hard to consider how to take the next step. It is important for partners and spouses of those with sex addiction to take care of themselves and try to avoid the downward spiral that can threaten them.

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Seek Support and Self-Care

It is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel pity for his or her partner and focus attention on him or her. When people feel betrayed, it’s important that they take time to care for themselves first so as to build a plan to create structure, reduce anxiety, and get some much needed encouragement and support. A good counselor can be instrumental in providing that support because the counselor functions as an advocate, providing validation, compassion, and clear direction. Some may benefit from joining a support group of other spouses that are going through the same thing. Dependable friends and family can also provide support, especially on those very tough days. Incorporating a healthy lifestyle by getting plenty of rest, eating properly, finding some time for exercise, and scheduling times for fun will give the partner’s body, mind, and spirit the energy it needs to cope with daily stress.

Experience Emotions Fully

The person feeling betrayed may experience a sense of shame that results in the temptation to shut down, or to numb the pain by suppressing the painful feelings. The feelings are there and they are very strong, and it will cause more harm, eventually, than good by stuffing them or hiding them. That is why finding a counselor, having supportive friends, and being a part of a group are extremely important in providing a safe outlet for the partner’s full expression. Whether it’s anger, fear, abandonment, or any number of emotions, sharing those feelings in a safe and healthy way helps work through the grieving process and generate some hope. The hope may not be focused necessarily on the relationship, but on the person’s recognition that he or she can face these feelings of betrayal and survive, even thrive. The feelings are very real, and when handled appropriately, openly, and with care, some of the intense weight may be lifted.

Set Boundaries

The critical time to establish boundaries with a partner who has sex addiction is when the other partner is most hurt and vulnerable. This will help establish a place of safety for the person who feels hurt. Boundaries may include removing Internet access, changing what comes through the TV, establishing a bank account to insure bills are covered, and removing any offensive material from the home. If consequences are tied to the boundaries, it’s important that they are followed through with or they will not be taken seriously. This can be vital in creating some order to what feels like chaos.

There is no magical formula for healing a person’s experience of betrayal by a partner experiencing sex addiction, and every day is a new battle that can feel out of control if specific steps are not taken to handle the overwhelming feelings. The good news is that if these steps are followed, one can find that they are developing strength they never knew they had. The combination of empathy, compassion, and some tough love are necessary to guide a person down a path of healing and then to hope.

Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I’ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I’ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are often stuck in an adolescent level of development – literally, LATE to grow into full adult functioning.

We all have four primary internal parts: An Inner Child, a Teenager, an Inner Critic, and a loving, responsible Adult. The Teenager seeks independence, identity, and acceptance with peers. Teens may also become rebellious, angry, confused and withdrawn. Adjustment problems are more likely to occur in distressed or dysfunctional families, where adolescents do not receive the guidance, emotional support, and other resources necessary for healthy maturation and individuation. (more…)

It might seem absurd or counterintuitive to think of a two-person relationship as consisting of three parts. So why would someone suggest you consider it?

Developing a coherent sense of self and establishing a long-term relationship are two developmental tasks during emerging adulthood, and these dual needs continue throughout our lives. Think of your relationship like a three-legged table, where each leg must be strong: you, your partner, and your relationship with each other. To bloom a truly happy partnership with lasting strength, each piece is an integral part of the equation. If one person absorbs too much energy, the other gets left out. If not enough attention is paid to the relationship itself, your partnership suffers. Take away one piece, neglect one part, and you have a wobbly table.

A positive sign of marriage identity is when both partners maintain their individual interests, hobbies, and friendships while also valuing and prioritizing time spent together. This balance allows for personal growth and a strong couple bond.

Meeting Each Other’s Needs

Many people believe that the only thing they can work on in their relationship is their partner’s happiness. The problem with looking at relationships this way is that the person trying to make sure their mate is doing well runs the risk of neglecting themselves. This person may be sacrificing what they want or need in the relationship so their partner will feel good.

That might work for a while, but eventually the person doing all the giving can run out of energy and feel exhausted and depleted. If the pattern continues, those feelings can turn into anger and resentment. If one partner feels like they are the giver and don’t receive anything in return, they can end up feeling used and alone.

Researchers describe this balancing act as “risk regulation”: we weigh our desire for closeness against our fear of rejection, and it is confidence in a partner’s care and positive regard that makes it feel safe to depend on them. In couples work, an early warning sign that this balance has tipped is “relational accounting”—keeping score of who has done what for whom. Once partners are tallying contributions, the assumption of good faith between them has usually already begun to erode.

The receiver of this energy doesn’t get their needs met either, they may be happy for a while, but this constant state of receiving can become tiresome, too. There is no room for real bonding between the two because their positions are not equal. There is imbalance in the relationship. Balance is essential in a healthy relationship because both partners have individual needs, desires, and aspirations that must be acknowledged and met to sustain personal well-being.

Meeting Your Own Needs

I recommend that each person learn about themselves as individuals as an important part of improving their relationship. Part of self-knowledge is understanding what makes you happy. Do you know what makes you feel happy and fulfilled? If you think that being loved by your partner is all you need, that is not the answer I’m looking for. Your answer though, could be something like this: “I love to spend time working in the garden, and I like to volunteer my time with the humane society.” These are endeavors that could make a person feel whole and worthwhile. What about your job? Some people find their happiness through their profession—maybe this is your source of enrichment. By working to understand yourself as an individual, you will learn what you need to make your leg of the table strong.

Self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. Self-care ensures you have the emotional and physical energy for yourself and others. Balancing caregiving with self-care improves the overall quality of your life and the health of your relationship.

When we as individuals have attained knowledge about ourselves, we are in a better position to stay in balance. Knowing what makes you happy is the best contribution you can make to your relationship. When you understand yourself and you know how to keep yourself in a good state, you will be a contributing member to the relationship. Without this knowledge, you may depend on your partner to provide you your happiness—and that can lead to problems. If a couple places too much emphasis on the relationship, one or both partners may feel suffocated, lose a sense of individuality, or sacrifice personal goals. On the other hand, if individual needs consistently take precedence, the relationship itself may weaken, leading to emotional distance, resentment, or a loss of intimacy.

When both people know themselves, they can spend time understanding their partners. When we learn what our mate loves, likes, wishes for, and enjoys, we become more adept at providing it to them. The Gottman Method calls this kind of ongoing curiosity building “Love Maps”—an intentional exploration of what makes your partner tick, what they worry about, and what they hope for. And when something is unclear, ask rather than assume: psychologist Carol Dweck describes hearing her husband say he “needed space” and, instead of interpreting it as distance, asking what he meant—he simply wanted to reposition his arm.

Meeting the Needs of Your Relationship

Building the relationship together is like solidifying the last leg of the table. What are your combined values, goals and dreams? What do the two of you as a unit stand for? What is your “mission statement?” In the Gottman Method, this is the work of “creating shared meaning”—the top level of the Sound Relationship House—where a couple names what is fun, uplifting, and purposeful about their life together and actively supports each other’s dreams.

Relationship researchers have a name for this sense of shared identity: “we-ness.” Across decades of studies, couples with a stronger sense of we-ness report greater satisfaction with, and commitment to, their relationship. Couples with a strong shared identity often refer to themselves as “we” or “us,” indicating a strong sense of being a team. They also likely use positive and affirming language when speaking to and about each other.

You have a chance to create something unique to the two of you. Understanding all the pieces of your three-legged table gives you the best opportunity to build a healthy, lasting relationship. Tending to this third leg may even pay physical dividends. In a 2022 study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, couples who were more satisfied with their relationship also ate, slept, and exercised together more often—and both the satisfaction and the shared routines predicted better self-rated health and fewer depressive symptoms.

Please note: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your mental health or relationships.

Find a therapist who can help you balance your individual and relationship needs.

References:

1. Auger, E., Thai, S., Birnie-Porter, C., & Lydon, J. E. (2025). On creating deeper relationship bonds: Felt understanding enhances relationship identification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 128(3), 907-942. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241233419
2. Canevello, A., & Crocker, J. (2010). Creating good relationships: Responsiveness, relationship quality, and interpersonal goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 78-106. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018186
3. Cruwys, T., South, E. I., Halford, W. K., Murray, J. A., & Fladerer, M. P. (2023). Measuring “we‐ness” in couple relationships: A social identity approach. Family Process, 62, 795–817. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12811
4. Dover, C. R., Serrano, C., López-Madrigal, C., García-Manglano, J., & Willoughby, B. J. (2024). Relational identity and relationship functioning in emerging adulthood: A brief report. Emerging Adulthood, 12(2), 245-253. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968241234953
5. McLean Hospital. (2024). How relationships impact mental health—and vice versa. https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/relationships
6. Meridian Counseling. (2024). Balancing individual and relationship needs for long-term happiness. https://www.meridian-counseling.com/blog/how-to-balance-individual-and-relationship-needs-for-a-happier-relationship
7. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Collins, N. L. (2006). Optimizing assurance: The risk regulation system in relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 132(5), 641-666. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.132.5.641
8. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Caring for your mental health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
9. Travers, M. (2024, May 31). 3 signs that a couple’s connection is bulletproof. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-signs-that-your-marriage-identity-is-bulletproof
10. Wilson, S. J., Stadler, G., Milek, A., Kamarck, T. W., Otero, M. C., & Novak, S. A. (2022). The implications of being “in it together”: Relationship satisfaction and joint health behaviors predict better health and stronger concordance between partners. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 56(12), 1259-1273. https://doi.org/10.1093/abm/kaac043

One of the most arduous decisions you may ever have to make is whether to stay married to someone who has cheated on you. For many people, the decision to not stay in the marriage is pretty straightforward, most often due to moralistic views about infidelity and the covenant of marriage. More often than not it’s complicated, and deciding whether to divorce or salvage a marriage can be heartbreaking and confusing. Marriage is a huge investment for many people, and as with anything in life, the greater the investment, the greater the loss. Marriage is tied up with many dreams, expectations, and fantasies, so divorce is a hugely difficult decision that should be taken very seriously.

Here are some issues that can get in the way of making a sound decision about whether to divorce:

Fear
Fear is at the core of most bad decisions. When we make choices in life based on fear, we are using the most primitive part of the human brain, a part designed to help us respond to dangerous situations for survival purposes. Human beings are the only species with a more evolved part of the brain that allows us to assess, reflect, and consider a situation before acting on it. This is the part of the brain we want to be using when making decisions about whether to divorce. Slowing things down, not acting hastily, and talking with a professional will help you achieve this goal.

Having Children
Many divorcing couples base their decision to stay in a marriage on their children. While it is extremely important to consider the impact of divorce on your children, it is helpful to not make them the determining factor. Children can easily be used as scapegoats to help parents avoid looking at all the options, even if those choices do not offer the most ideal consequences. There are many divorced households in which the children actually do better, so staying together for the children is not always the only and best solution. Meeting with a child therapist and reading up on the impact of divorce on children will help you make an educated decision.

Low Self-Esteem
Staying in a marriage because you are afraid there is nothing better out there is an issue of low self-esteem. Not feeling worthy of something better leads people to stay in bad marriages at the expense of their own happiness. Working on building your self-esteem and being clear about your value will help you make a proper decision about staying or leaving. Feeling empowered and complete with yourself is a valuable goal regardless of where you are in life, so use this opportunity for personal growth.

Black-and-White Thinking
Thinking in terms of right and wrong is the most obvious form of black-and-white thinking. It is easy to slip into a moralistic or righteous place after an infidelity, but it’s just a way of coping with the painful truth. Black-and-white thinking is very limiting and can lead to making a decision that is not founded on the whole truth. It is important to approach the decision to divorce with flexibility and openness to all options. Staying in the gray, as opposed to rigidly clinging to the black or white, allows for a more efficient and genuine decision.

Anger
Anger, not unlike fear, is not the best state of mind to be in when making a decision about your marital situation. Anger is a defense mechanism we use to gain control in a powerless situation, and it can cause us to make rash decisions that are not based on fact. If you respond to the circumstances of your marital conflict with anger as opposed to a calmness and clarity, you become blind to the possibility of potential solutions or answers. While the anger you feel may be justified and expected, it does not serve you in dealing with this important decision.

Uncertainty
Uncertainty breeds the tendency to cling to what we know. When it comes to the unpredictable future that is inherent in divorce, the first instinct is to hold on to the past because it’s familiar. The decision to stay or leave a marriage can be clouded by the unpredictable nature of your future without your partner, but the truth is that your future is unpredictable whether you are married or not. However, it is important to remember that the best predictor of the future is the past, so use your past experiences, successes, and failures to provide you with an accurate assessment of what you are capable of doing going forward. This will help you make a choice that is founded on the realities of who you are.

Deciding to stay in or leave a marriage can be torturous. Often, the heart and mind are conflicting when it comes to marriage and divorce, so it is normal to feel confused and uncertain about what to do. It can also be confounding to make a decision about something that doesn’t appear to have any positive consequences. Consulting a professional, becoming aware of your thinking and feelings, and taking the proper amount of time and space is integral to making the best possible decision for your future.