Do you remember your first bully—the girl who called you fat, mocked your choice in clothes, or spread false rumors about you? Of course you do. It’s like a first kiss, a first drink, the first time you drove a car. Only this is a memory you wish you could forget. You may not recall her exact words, but you remember the girl, the time, the place. Did you ever wonder why she did it, what provoked her meanness, how she got to wield so much power?

Bullying is an intentional act of aggression in which the perpetrator belittles, controls, intimidates or harms another person. Attacks are often unprovoked, and exploit an individual’s vulnerabilities or weakness. Although male bullying is typically straightforward, often involving physical aggression or blatantly hostile taunts, female bullying may be more subtle, and therefore, harder to detect. For girls, bullying can be a means of gaining popularity, jockeying for power among peers, or asserting control. Since it is more covert, teachers and parents may overlook clues, or assume the behavior is just a normal part of social interactions.

Some forms that bullying can take include:

• Deliberate exclusion, alienation, or ostracism of a peer for no apparent reason
• Verbal attacks, such as spreading rumors or lies by word of mouth or on the internet
• Making prank phone calls, or sending harassing e-mails or text messages
• Overt forms of aggression, such as stealing, making threats, or name-calling
• Covert forms of derision or humiliation, such as giggling or whispering about the victim when she is nearby, eye-rolling, being friendly one day and ignoring her the next
• Encouraging other girls to act out against, ignore, humiliate or pick on another child

So, why do girls resort to bullying? Reasons vary, but usually include a need for control, attention, and approval, or an outlet for anger. Girls who bully may appear threatening and commit hurtful acts, but they often harbor underlying insecurities that fuel their behaviors. Some feel lonely, inadequate, and fearful, and bully to feel powerful or hide their insecurity. Some attack first before they are attacked by others. Some are angry about problems at home and lash out at peers. Occasionally, girls who bully learn these behaviors at home due to family members who are abusive or because of a hostile neighborhood environment. Popularity is no safeguard, since often the girls who bully are those who seem to have it all. Frequently, the pretty, popular, athletic girls are the ringleaders who foster a culture of bullying, even though they may have already acquired power in the social hierarchies of their schools.

The process of bullying can develop slowly over time. Girls who are popular and charismatic may attract others into their circle of friends and make them feel special. They may then try to control these girls, expect favors, or demand that the new girls bully others as well. By controlling a group of peers, bullies achieve power in numbers and go on to terrorize teens they believe are a threat. Individual victims can be targeted at random, but are often selected because of jealousy, noticeable differences, refusal to conform to the group, or a weakness that can be exploited. Bullying also can be sparked by a sudden turn of events in a friendship, where the bully feels threatened and angry, and decides that she must retaliate.

While punches are not thrown, bullying can leave a devastating mark on its victim and engender long-lasting pain and suffering. Girls are particularly vulnerable because of how much they value friendships. Victims can become depressed, anxious, insecure, and feel they are to blame. Obsessive preoccupation with perceived flaws, physical appearance, conformity, and adhering to the bully’s rules of conduct can follow. Conversely, some girls who are bullied become isolated, withdrawn, and even drop out of school. In rare instances, victims can become so depressed and hopeless that they consider suicide as their only option.

Victims often remain silent due to embarrassment, self-blame, or fear of retaliation, so incidents of bullying may go unnoticed. Investigate whether bullying is occurring if your loved one, friend, or student is showing any of the following signs: mood swings, sudden withdrawal from friends, refusal to attend school or social events, sleep problems, academic difficulties, physical complaints, weight loss or gain, or frequent crying.

If you suspect that someone you know is being bullied, it is important to offer support. Reassure the victim that the bullying will end eventually, and that you will help her identify strategies for addressing the problem. One size does not fit all, so a variety of strategies and interventions should be considered depending on the specific situation. Useful websites with anti-bullying tips are listed below. Sometimes getting advice from a therapist or guidance counselor can help. Girls who bully also benefit from counseling, where they can learn to take responsibility for their behaviors and identify appropriate outlets for their anger and need for control.

Prevention is essential, and needs to come from both the family and community. Parents need to discuss bullying with their children, even before it occurs. Teaching girls how to respond to potentially difficult situations, before a problem develops, is critical. Helping young girls improve their self-esteem by developing strong academic, athletic or extracurricular interests, and finding friends who share similar interests (so that social standing is not as critical), may minimize their vulnerability to falling victim. Schools should offer anti-bullying initiatives, including training for staff, programs for students, and counseling services when necessary. When parents, schools, and the community promote an environment where bullying is unacceptable, perhaps fewer girls (and boys) will have to encounter that first bully.

Anti-Bullying Resources and Information:

• American Psychological Association
• GirlsHealth.gov
• KidsHealth.org
• StopBullying.gov

Why do people we care for sometimes engage in cruel behavior? What can we do about it?

Alfred Adler believed the ultimate goal for all human beings is to belong and feel connected to others. Unfortunately, when a person doesn’t find connection with others through kindness and good deeds, they become discouraged and feel inferior to others.

Adler said no one can tolerate these inferiority feelings, and so they over compensate by striving for superiority. One way to strive for superiority is to become a bully. Bullies who band together with other bullies in order to strengthen their sense of belonging are called gangs, terrorists, mafias, and racists.

Understanding Cruelty

Learning theory explains cruel behavior as being modeled. If a child is treated with emotional or physical abuse, the child learns to act that way: “monkey see, monkey do.” So a person, the child who has experienced being treated cruelly, learns to be cruel.

Still another reason for cruel behavior may be mental illness. There are some mental illnesses that manifest themselves with angry outbursts, violence, a lack of empathy, or difficulty understanding the impact of one’s behavior on others. There are also medical conditions, like brain injuries or Tourette’s syndrome, which can feature aggressive outbursts as a symptom.

There are a number of other theories that can explain cruelty, including genetic inheritance. Darwin thought behavior is related to survival, so violence could be seen as adaptive to our very survival—or violence may in the end be the reason humans ultimately fail to survive.

Responding to Cruelty

We can’t change another person’s actions, but we can change our own reactions. Here are some typical reactions to cruelty:

• Retaliation
• Anger and outrage
• Defensiveness
• Fear
• Avoidance
• Passive-aggressiveness
• Self-blame
• “Walking on eggshells”
• Lowered self-esteem
• Attempts to please

These are natural responses, but they never work to stop cruelty. In fact, any of the above reactions can make cruelty intensify. So what can we do to stop cruelty?

We can do as Rudolf Dreikurs said and “separate the deed from the doer.” A person who engages in cruelty engages in unacceptable behavior, but that does not mean the person is unacceptable. That does not mean we chastise, admonish, and punish the person. If we believe in Adler’s theory that all people have a thirst to belong, we can make an effort to accept the person while not accepting cruel behavior. We learn to be more inclusive and forgiving .

We have to feel good about ourselves when we hear cruel things. If we like ourselves enough, there’s no need to get defensive when nasty things are said. We can react as if it’s untrue nonsense that doesn’t deserve an ounce of our negative energy. If someone tells me my hair is pink, which it is not, I don’t have to argue. I may make a joke of it or say, “Thank you, pink is my favorite color!”

We have to take a stand against cruelty. No one deserves to be treated cruelly. It takes two people to fight and only one to stop it. Be the person to stop the nastiness. Refuse to fight. Say “I’m not going to fight with you,” and physically remove yourself.

We must tell ourselves over and over and over again, “I deserve to be treated kindly.”

Does knowing the source of the cruelty help stop the nastiness? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if we want cruel people to stop their behavior, we have to look within and change our own reactions to this heartlessness.

“All cruelty springs from weakness.” —Seneca, 4BC-AD65

There are those who say that bullying is behind all forms of violence, conflict, persecution, abuse, harassment, discrimination, and prejudice.

The death of Phoebe Prince in 2010, a 15-year-old Massachusetts girl who hanged herself after being harassed by a group of students from her school, puts a spotlight on bullying among teenagers. And in fact, there have been many notable cases of teen bullying, on and off the Internet (i.e., cyber-taunting on Facebook) that come to mind when we think of bullies.

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However, it isn’t just children and teenagers who bully. Although it may not be as obvious, or as easily identifiable, adult bullying may be more widespread. “Independent research suggests that bullying is happening to around 1 in 4 people” (from “Life After Adult Bullying”). Bullying impacts many of us, regardless of our age.

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is defined as “an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally” (Wikipedia). It is characterized as behaving in a manner to gain power over another person. And it is a form of abuse. I would suggest that if you rephrase the descriptive action from “repeated aggressive behavior” to “taking frustrations out” on those who are weaker or different, bullying becomes a much more commonplace and identifiable act. In fact, it is pervasive.

There are different types of bullies and different environments in which they proliferate. There are verbal bullies, physical bullies, serial bullies, gang bullies, cyber bullies, subordinate bullies, unwitting bullies, work bullies, sadistic bullies, and psychotic and sociopathic bullies. There are bullies at work, at home, in schools, in governments, in religious organizations, on the Internet, and in social cliques.

What Kind of People Bully?

Usually people with low self-esteem and a certain amount of unconscious resentment (envy, jealously) that pushes the bully to project their own feelings of inadequacy onto you while denying that anything is wrong with them. Not all bullies are serial bullies. Sometimes the average person loses it under pressure and takes out their feelings in a bullying manner. But regardless of how or why it is happening to you, it is not acceptable.

What all bullies have in common is the use of power to satisfy one’s own psychological shortcomings. Each time a bully moves against someone weaker, he/she feels better about themselves for an instant. But because that feeling doesn’t last, they do it again and again. Sometimes the bully appears to lack insight into their own behavior (unwitting bully), but more often the bully does know yet elects to ignore the moral and ethical considerations by which the majority of people are bound. The rules don’t apply to them. Or they have projected so much self-hatred on the other that they truly believe that those they are bullying deserve exactly what they are getting.

Why Are There So Many Bullies in Society?

One of the reasons bullying is so prevalent is because most bullies commit non-arrestable offenses. And so bullying becomes unconsciously acceptable. It’s an outlet–a way to express–frustration and/or rage.

There are adult bullies we can easily identify. Hitler was a bully; racists are bullies. Parents and older siblings have been known to bully. Certainly, gang members bully. But what about those who threaten, shame, or intimidate you into doing things you don’t really want to do? It happens to most of us, and when it does, we are being bullied. Even when it comes from a person or institution that you love, respect, admire–your government, your church, your significant other, a family member, a professional colleague.

Sometimes there is a fine line between harmless coercion and harmful bullying. But you can feel the difference. You know when you are truly ambivalent and open to being talked into something versus when you are being pressed against your better instincts, wishes, or values. And if you are being bullied by more than one person (i.e. an organization or group), it is even more difficult to stand up for yourself.

More insidious and pernicious is the type of bullying that has less to do about forcing you to do something and more to do with “putting you in your place”–minimizing or even destroying you in order to make someone else feel better about themselves. People do this consciously or unconsciously because of a hole inside of themselves that they try and fill by being better than someone else. It gives them a sense of power and authority in the world that they may not otherwise experience. It is a way to externalize their own feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and/or rage by putting those feelings on someone else and then attacking them.

Some bullying is so subtle that you really believe the bully. They make you feel unsure of yourself; bad about yourself. They can even do it in the guise of friendship or love. It becomes more of a mind game than an outright violation. But it is bullying just the same. We will not be able to rid the world of bullies, but we can learn how to stand up to them.

How Do You Stand Up for Yourself to Stop Bullying?

First and foremost, recognize what is happening and remember that it is the bully who has the problem, not you. Unless they are physically threatening you, bullies are “paper tigers.” If you stand up to them calmly and confront their behavior rationally while asserting your rights, they will back down. If you call them out on their actions, they usually have no place to go–especially if others are witness to these actions.

You don’t have to attack a bully; you simply have to calmly and self-assuredly stand up for yourself. You don’t want to give them reason to escalate by engaging in a heated or emotional manner. You may be thinking that this sounds easier than it would actually be. So start slowly. If you can’t immediately stand up to a bully, at least don’t play into their behavior by trying to appease them.

Let the bully know by your reaction that you are not cowed and quietly walk away. Think about what you want to say and either talk to them later or wait until the next time they behave that way and then call them out on it. Bullies don’t have any real power once they realize that you won’t engage in their game. Once you have exposed them; they will fade away.

Relationships with our co-workers and bosses can really affect our lives! When they go well our lives are enriched. When they are difficult, we and our families can suffer.

At work, the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you:

• Maintain your Self qualities when you are under the gun: Calm, Clarity, Connection, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, and Confidence
• If something gets in the way of these qualities, it’s probably a Protector Part and/or an Exile. Pay attention to them, and they may let you get back to your Self qualities and Self leadership.

Read on to find out how Internal Family Systems can help you at work. (more…)