Dissociation is a way people, to varying degrees, disconnect from their thoughts and feelings in order to avoid pain or traumatic memories. It represents a “lack of normal integration of thoughts, feelings, and experiences into the stream of consciousness and memory,” serving as an unconscious strategy the mind uses to protect from distress. It is a refuge of sorts into an altered state of mind that is often characterized by obsessive thoughts, fantasies, or even non-thinking states. It can be employed consciously or unconsciously as a defense mechanism and can range in intensity from mild daydreams to feeling separate from one’s body.
In our current digital age dissociating is easier than ever. You can simply turn on the television or, better yet, turn on your computer or mobile device and find yourself on a high-speed train through the internet highway, encountering all kinds of people, distracting yourself with all kinds of information, and stimulating yourself in all kinds of ways. Recent research indicates that digital environments and social media can contribute to dissociative experiences, particularly among adolescents and young adults. All the while, your body is there, in the chair or wherever it is, coping with the emotional unrest residing deep inside.
Although dissociation can be an effective short-term strategy for pain management, it often wreaks havoc on relationships.
The Impact of Dissociation on Relationships
Relationships flourish when the participants relate to each other, which requires mutual sharing of thoughts and feelings not just about each other but about their lives and the world around them, about their pasts, and about the future. Relating is the “food” of a relationship.
Dissociation can distress relationships because it undermines the ability to relate and thus starves the relationship over time. Recent research describes this as “dissociative collusion,” where split-off aspects of one or both partners are mutually dissociated in a complementary fashion that becomes destructive to the relationship. It is a bit of a catch-22: people often (unconsciously) choose partners who will bring up elements of their painful past in order to grow, heal, and develop. For those who dissociated during that original pain, however, employing the strategy now starves the relationship of the food of relating to each other.
Many people who frequently dissociate find that relationships can feel quite stifling. Inevitably, painful memories and feelings arise in the relationship and they (unconsciously) dissociate. At the same time, they see this other person there feeling hurt that they’ve disconnected or “left,” and feel trapped. They can’t leave, but they can’t stay, either. It can feel agonizing, lonely, and confusing to both partners when dissociation occurs.
How Couples Counseling Can Help
A good couples counselor can be an invaluable resource and guide to finding a new way forward, both for the individual who dissociates and for the distressed couple. Evidence-based guidelines from organizations like the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation support comprehensive treatment approaches that integrate multiple therapeutic modalities. Specifically, couples counseling can help by:
Identifying and naming the issue: It may be hard for a couple to recognize that dissociation is causing distress in the relationship because it often is an unconscious coping process and is easily confused for intentional emotional distancing. If there is something beyond dissociation going on—and there often is—a therapist should be able to help identify that, too.
Helping the couple understand what’s going on: Dissociation often leaves the other partner feeling abandoned, unheard, and unloved. A therapist can help both people recognize that this is not about a lack of interest or love but rather a deep survival mechanism. Research shows that dissociative defenses are particularly relevant for couples with histories of trauma. A dissociating person typically only wants to feel better, not make their partner feel bad.
Making space to slowly reduce dissociative symptoms: This is vital. A therapist can slow things down enough to help each person observe the dissociation and, over time, feel into the pain as a means of reducing symptoms. Individuals with chronic dissociation often struggle to feel safe, especially in relationships, making psychotherapy challenging but essential for healing.
Helping the couple find new skills: This is the creative aspect of therapy—helping the couple discover new ways to respond when painful feelings and memories arise. Individual or couples counseling can explore root causes of dissociation and develop coping strategies, offering stress-management techniques and enhanced communication skills.
If there is unresolved pain or trauma in the background of your relationship and you suspect dissociation may be hurting your ability to relate to your partner, contact a trained and compassionate couples counselor. You don’t have to suffer alone.
Please Note: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or therapeutic advice. If you are experiencing severe dissociative symptoms or relationship distress, please consult with a qualified mental health professional for personalized treatment recommendations.
References:
- Robinson, M. A., Purcell, J. B., Ward, L., Winternitz, S., Kaufman, M. L., Baranowski, K. A., & Lebois, L. A. M. (2024). Advancing research on and treatment of dissociative identity disorder with people with lived experience. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 77(3), 141-150. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.20230028
- Černis, E., Chan, C., & Cooper, M. (2019). Identifying preliminary risk profiles for dissociation in 16‐ to 25‐year‐olds using machine learning. Early Intervention in Psychiatry, 25(2), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/eip.13162
- Costa, R. M. (2020). Dissociation (Defense Mechanism). In V. Zeigler-Hill & T. K. Shackelford (Eds.), Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_1375
- Bernstein, E. M., & Putnam, F. W. (1986). Development, reliability, and validity of a dissociation scale. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 174, 727-735.
- D’Andrea, W., & Pole, N. (2012). A naturalistic study of the relation of psychotherapy process to changes in symptoms, information processing, and physiological activity in complex trauma. Traumatology, 18(2), 26-40.
- International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. (2011). Guidelines for treating dissociative identity disorder in adults, third revision. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 12(2), 115-187.
- Johnson, S. M., & Greenman, P. S. (2024). Emotionally focused couple therapy and attachment theory: Understanding emotion regulation in distressed couples. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 23(4), 295-312.
- Loewenstein, R. J., Brand, B. L., & Schielke, H. J. (2022). Trauma-related dissociation and the dissociative disorders: Neglected symptoms with severe public health consequences. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, 1-24.
- National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Post-traumatic stress disorder. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
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