Blogging on Good Therapy

By Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC

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“For each person who volunteers to live the life of a tool, lest he turn out to be a knife, there is another who threatens to become a wound.” ~Sheldon Kopp.

In coming across the above quote recently I was reminded of the pain caused by being caught up in this cycle. Back in my mid twenties I was a walking wound, and to compensate I tried to take care of others and become the tool to their healing. Thankfully I have come a long way over the years even though there are times when I can get drawn into this dynamic. I have found this description a useful way to understand how we are caught up in being dependent on each other’s happiness. Partners will move between these three positions creating relationships based on powerlessness and fusion.

When I began my training I was first acquainted with this system in relationships as having three positions, persecutor, victim and rescuer. It is useful to conceptualize each position as a separate person for description, but more accurately they are aspects within our psyche that are activated in relationships. We express them in reaction to what we perceive and experience in others. However, you may recognize that you gravitate towards one characteristic in particular. Here is a description of each of these positions. Read the rest of this entry »

By Sloane Veshinski, LMFT, CAP

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Are you aware that most Americans spend more on material items than they do on their individual happiness and personal relationships? In the United States, the average American spends upwards of $40,000 for a luxury automobile and approximately $5,000 for a two week family vacation. What if I told you that for far less than the cost of a car or a vacation, you can achieve individual happiness and relationship stability.

The truth is that individuals, couples and families experience a level of both internal and external conflict daily over their own wants and needs, the needs of their children, financial issues, sexual issues and life in general. It is when these daily conflicts become weekly and then last for a month or more, without any relief despite your best efforts that you may need to consider counseling as opposed to a drink, a drug, a vacation, new car, a sparkly bauble or a costly divorce to resolve your issues.

Counseling and therapy have long had a reputation for being only for those who are “crazy” or “out of control”. This is simply not true. Therapy and counseling are available for people who are having individual issues, relationship issues, family issues with children, in-laws or significant others in their life, career challenges, or are dealing with experiences that happened years ago which are still affecting how they are coping with things today. Read the rest of this entry »

By Barbi Pecenco, MA

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There are plenty of articles out there from relationship experts encouraging the rules of good communication, but rarely does anyone tell us what to do when we have practiced those rules and our partner continues to act unreasonably.

Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually does not work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost. You are NOT powerful when you are critical; instead you give your power away due to the damage it does to your relationship.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”

Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it. Read the rest of this entry »

By Patti Desert, LCSW-C, CEMDR, CP

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Many men have a difficult time recognizing that they are depressed. Men often interpret the word “depression” as describing a state of helplessness or hopelessness, accompanying a general sense of feeling fragile or vulnerable. In many ways our culture conditions men to ignore these states or to experience little awareness of them. Men are taught “boys don’t cry,” and are uniformly rewarded with praise and validation when they “act like a man” instead of tearing up or expressing fear in response to a harshly distressing encounter. After years of this kind of persistent reinforcement these boys grow into men with a form of blindness whereby they often do not see or understand the nature of depression and they can become bound by painfully repetitive behaviors and feelings with no knowledge that they can change.

What men do recognize is the feeling of stress and they will commonly describe situations as stressful with no awareness that those situations are the triggers stimulating an internal state of dis-ease that often leads to depression. The following are some of the less recognizable experiences that men commonly describe as stressful and that are symptomatic of depression. Read the rest of this entry »

By Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC

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At a recent event, I had the joy of watching a boy, no more than seven years old, exploring his world. His energy sparkled and his spirit was pure; he was an “old soul,” to say the least. As part of a “quest” he was asked to bring back the answer to the question “what is wisdom?” He waited patiently as my friend and I considered our reply. The answer was painstakingly difficult, and at best, only touched the surface of wisdom’s substance. “Wisdom is knowing and doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing to do.” Off he went, and there we stood, dumbfounded.

I continued to ponder the boy’s question, and our brief answer. I considered how often the universe asks us to do the wisest thing, which is often the thing that hurts the most. Yet, our humanness, and our desire to not suffer, or see others suffering, blocks us from doing that very thing. Instead of pushing through the pain, facing it, exploring the suffering, some chose not to do the wisest thing. It can seem counter intuitive. The wisest thing can be, in actuality, the choice that would hurt the most, initially, even if is more helpful in the long run.

Maybe you know that something in your life is not healthy, right for you, or even puts you in danger. Wisdom tells you “I need to stop this,” but the expectation of the pain from that decision over rules you. Instead of listening to your inner wisdom, you allow the fear of the suffering to take over. You do nothing, or the same thing. We do suffer, and will, but it is at the other side of suffering that wisdom develops. Wisdom comes from experiencing what is difficult, surviving it, healing from it, and ultimately, integrating what is learned. Read the rest of this entry »

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

Death is not a subject most people like to contemplate, especially their own death. Even though counselors are trained to help people prepare for death and cope with death, few are eager to examine the implications of their own death. Sadly, counselors are not immune to horrific acts of crime, as in the case of the murder of a psychologist in New York back in February. While one’s counseling practice may be the last thing on family members’ minds in such a situation, a professional will, just like a personal will, provides assurance that one’s practice is taken care of ethically and responsibly. How many counselors/therapists have a professional will? Very few. In fact, according to Psychotherapy Finances (April 2008), only 1% of surveyed members of the American Psychological Association had a professional will. Why would a counselor need a professional will? Well, consider the following. In the event a counselor dies, what happens? Who notifies the clients and how? What happens to the counselor’s client files? What happens to the counselor’s office? Who notifies the counselor’s insurance company? Who resolves finances associated with the practice? These and other questions can be answered in a professional will.

So what kinds of things should a counselor include in a professional will? According to Kenneth S. Pope, Ph.D., ABPP & Melba J.T. Vasquez, Ph.D., ABPP , the first step in developing a professional will is assigning an executor of the will. Who does the counselor trust with such a task? Ideally, another mental health professional who is familiar with one’s practice is the best choice. Planning out and reviewing the professional will with the chosen executor allows the counselor to have assurance that both clients and the practice are taken care of responsibly in the event of the counselor’s death. Given the lack of information on this subject, it is important that counselors are made aware of professional wills and are provided access to resources for establishing a professional will.

By Lori Payne, LPC-S Click here to contact Lori and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

©Copyright 2008 by GoodTherapy.org All Rights Reserved. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lori and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

If you are the parent of a teen or have a teen in your life, then you are surely familiar with MySpace, Facebook, YouTube, and countless other social networking sites where teens congregate. These sites have become a “virtual playground” where anonymous teens engage in vicious bullying without even leaving the house. The bullying isn’t limited to the internet though. Teens are being harassed by peers via cell phone text messages also. The internet offers anonymity and allows bullies to engage in behavior that would not be socially acceptable in a public forum. Sadly, the tragic story of Megan Meier, who committed suicide after enduring cyber-bullying, is an example of seriousness of this issue. Megan’s death brought to light the need for laws to hold cyber bullies responsible for their actions. In fact, this phenomenon has challenged many states (Texas, New Jersey, Oregon, California, Rhode Island, and New York) to establish laws to deal with cyber-bullying issues. There is even a non-profit foundation dedicated to educating young people about internet safety: i-SAFE Inc. Parents need to be encouraged to talk with their teens about cyber-bullying and monitor what their teen is doing online.

An equally disturbing trend is the physical attacks of peers teens are videotaping for broadcast on the internet. Not only does a victim suffer physical pain, he/she now must undergo endless humiliation as the beating is played over and over again on popular sites such as YouTube for thousands to see. There is a boomerang effect wherein the initial incident becomes fodder for hallway gossip at school, furthering the humiliation for the victim. In an interview with People magazine for a story about a video beating of a Florida teen, Dr. James Garbarino (author of several books on teen violence) stated, “Violence tends to become depersonalized when it’s on the Internet.”

The problems arising from cyber-bullying include teen suicide, school violence, and depression. Therapists who work with teens need to be educated about cyber-bullying and prepared to help teens work through these problems. Additionally, some focus is needed on identifying and treating the cyber bullies themselves.

By Lori Payne, LPC-S Click here to contact Lori and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

©Copyright 2008 by GoodTherapy.org All Rights Reserved. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lori and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T.

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“Altruism is a natural expression of human development and a healing force in society…Caring coupled with imagination and enterprise is the essence of creative altruism. If we ignore our capacity for compassion and care, we diminish the texture of our lives, our ability to help others heal and grow, and our collective potentials for social healing. By opening ourselves to the reality of shared being, we enhance the wonder and richness of the world and liberate the creative and constructive energies of the human heart, mind, and spirit.” —Tom Hurley

Karen Armstrong adds to her statement about the need for an ethic of compassion: “The early prophets did not preach the discipline of empathy because it sounded edifying, but because experience showed that it worked. They discovered that greed and selfishness were the cause of our personal misery. When we gave them up, we were happier. Egotism imprisoned us in an inferior version of ourselves and impeded our enlightenment.” Fascinatingly, recent neurological research by Moll and Jordan Grafman has shown that taking action in the best interests of others is coded in the brain. In a study in which they scanned the “brains of volunteers as they were asked to think about a scenario involving either donating a sum of money to charity or keeping it for themselves,” the results showed that “when the volunteers placed the interests of others before their own, the generosity activated a primitive part of the brain that usually lights up in response to food or sex. Altruism, the experiment suggested, was not a superior moral faculty that suppresses basic selfish urges, but rather was basic to the brain, hard-wired and pleasurable.” (Moll and Jordan Grafman are neuroscientists at the National Institutes of Health. Quote is from an article by Shankar Vedantam, The Washington Post, May 28, 2007.) There is an surviving and thriving impulse and advantage for those who develop and use their capacities for social intelligence. This social intelligence is accessed through the social engagement nervous system referred to on page 91 of Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics. Read the rest of this entry »

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Greg Madison, PhD

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Contrary to popular belief, Existentialism did not die out along with student riots, free love, and LSD. In fact in recent years it has made a resurgence in, of all places, psychotherapy and coaching. I am an Existential Psychologist practicing in Brighton & London UK, and here I will outline how existential philosophy can form the basis of an increasingly popular approach to helping professions.

Mention the word ‘existential’ and what probably comes to mind is an atmospheric little Parisian cafe along the Left Bank of the Seine, beret-wearing depressives huddled together smoking Gitanes and pontificating about the meaning of life. It’s a stereotype from the sixties associated with the philosophy and the political antics of such notaries as Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. What’s less known is that since the late 1980s there has been a resurgence of existentialism in the English-speaking world, most notably within the hotbed of North London psychotherapy society.

This so-called ‘British School’ of Existential Therapy bases its psychology on the philosophies of Martin Heidegger, Jean-Paul Sartre, Soren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche, and other continental philosophers. Though each of these philosophers has something unique to say, they all stress individual responsibility, the freedom to choose our lives, and living in full awareness of the unavoidable limits to life, including of course mortality. What we decide to value and believe in life governs our conduct, allowing us to succeed and feel safe in certain ways while also creating difficulties in other areas of life. Read the rest of this entry »

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by John Rhead, Ph.D.

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Intimacy refers to being seen or known. One can be seen or known by oneself, by another being (human or otherwise) or by God. Individual psychotherapy usually focuses on knowing oneself better, which is to say becoming more intimate with one’s self. The usual term for this process is “insight.” Group psychotherapy addresses being better known by others, which of course results in greater knowing of oneself in the process. This is the place where the term “intimacy” is most commonly used. Relationships with non-humans in which one comes to be known can be as mundane as a relationship with a pet dog or cat and as elaborate as encounters with spirit guides in all kinds of animal forms while engaging in shamanic journeying. Finally one may experience being known by God, or the Sacred Mystery, through spiritual practices such as prayer and meditation. Of course many would assume that one does not really reveal oneself to God through such practices, since it is assumed that God already knows everything; the experience of being known by God is really just a result of coming to know oneself better through spiritual practices. Read the rest of this entry »

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC

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Click here to contact Ed and/or see his Profile

When we were scratching around wondering what to call our counseling practice we coined and rejected a lot of possibilities. Some names we considered were obscure, some taken, some boring, and a few were just plain silly. Then we took a look at what it is we actually do, and what we don’t do. The main thing that separates us from most alcohol rehab programs is the fact that we don’t have a “program.” What we do have is a lot of experience and research into what works for different people. The primary offering we have for our clients is the certainty that the solution to their specific problems and set of circumstances will be, like themselves, unique – it will truly be their empowering solution, not ours, or AA’s, or Moderation Management’s, or someone else’s canned prescription. We don’t dictate, we help you find Your Empowering Solution.
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By Patti Desert, LCSW

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When the news broke about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s alleged involvement with a prostitute the nation was inundated with newspaper reports expressing shock and confusion. Politicians, corporate executives, and various other pundits were outraged by Spitzer’s behavior? And healthcare providers began scratching their heads at the apparent level of ignorance about addictive behavior that these responses demonstrated.

In fact, Spitzer’s behavior is a classic reflection of a particular kind of addiction known as sex addiction.
Read the rest of this entry »

GoodTherapy.org is pleased to announce that registration is open for the second event in our Spring into Summer Teleconference Series. In this free event for GoodTherapy.org Members, we are very excited to welcome Hedy Schleifer, MA, LMHC.

Hedy is the Director of Schleifer and Associates in Miami Beach, Florida, and an internationally known relationship specialist, trainer, coach, workshop presenter, and motivational speaker. She received her M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Tel Aviv University, and launched her private practice in 1978. Trained in Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), Hedy has pioneered the teaching of workshops for couples, and the training of therapists in IRT, overseas. Fluent in six languages, Hedy travels globally, bringing workshops for couples, and trainings for relationship specialists, and corporate organizations. Her passion for teaching people how to create harmonious relationships and results-oriented connections, make her workshops, trainings and motivational speeches, transformational.

Hedy’s 90-minute workshop for GoodTherapy.org members is called “Awakening the I-and-Thou Experience in Couples Therapy.” Hedy describes her presentation for us by saying, “Neuroscience and biology tell us that our brains are wired for relationship and that we experience each other physiologically, as well as psychologically. Yet, couples therapy tends still to be conducted in the purely verbal realm, focused on the words of each partner’s individual story, while neglecting the body’s vast potential for emotional and spiritual expression. During this workshop, we’ll explore the four pillars of Tikkun Relational Therapy to help couples reconnect by stepping outside their separate identities and entering an unsuspected realm of intimacy. Martin Buber, in his book I and Thou, called this realm the “sacred” space between them. This model integrates the latest findings from four sources including Imago Relationship Theory, Appreciative Inquiry, and interpersonal neurobiology. We’ll explain and discuss techniques and rituals that activate the natural capacities of our brains for deep, wordless emotional and spiritual connection.”

For more information and to register, visit the Spring into Summer Workshop Series.

The GoodTherapy.org Association has become one of the leading mental health organizations and referral sources on the web. In only 14 months of service, GoodTherapy.org has risen markedly to the top of the search engine rankings. In addition to ranking for thousands of local search terms (such as “Counselor Chicago” or “Therapy Seattle”), GoodTherapy.org also ranks nationally as one of the leading therapy & counseling directories on the web.

Below is a list of a handful of general top-5 search terms from yesterday which GoodTherapy.org is ranking for in Google (Please note, the following does not include all of the thousands of search terms we rank for and that these rankings ebb and flow by the hour, though generally rise over time):

SEARCH PHRASE GOOGLE RANKING
directory of counselors 1
find counselors 1
good therapy 1
what is good therapy 1
counseling directory 2
find counselor 3
therapy directory 3
directory of therapists 4
find a counselor 4
find counseling 4
find therapists 4
counselor 5
counselor directory 5
find a Therapist 5
therapist directory 5
therapy 5
find therapist 5
find therapy 5