Why See a Therapist When You Can Just Talk to Your Friends?
July 12th, 2010
By Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT, Object Relations Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Sometimes people ask me why they should bother seeing a therapist when they can just talk to their friends. Friends know your history, you’re comfortable together, and you trust and care for each other. Friends don’t expect to get paid, either, and you can meet socially instead of making an office appointment. All that’s true and wonderful.
What can a therapist do that a friend can’t do? First of all, therapy is completely private – so you can speak freely, without fear that your story will go where you’d rather it didn’t. Maybe there are things you’re afraid of, or that embarrass you or make you feel sad, and you feel a need to talk about them. You can discuss them with friends or family, that’s true, but you might like the confidentiality that a therapist provides.
Next, a therapist, me, for example, is trained to see your patterns, both good ones and ones that don’t work very well. I can point them out to you, and then together we can enhance the good and avoid the not so good. For example, many people keep having the same kinds of relationship problems over and over, and need to learn to make better choices both in their own behaviors and in finding suitable partners. Others have trouble getting along with people at work, or don’t know how to make friends, or feel sad and lonely. Therapy is really good at helping people with relationships, because it is a kind of test relationship—you get to try out new ways of being, but safely, and with feedback.
Friends may not be totally honest with you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t want to hurt your feelings either, but I know how to be straightforward and direct, and how to say things in ways that won’t be so painful. And if they are painful, we can slow down and let you go at your own pace to help you feel safe, using techniques that will help you feel less anxious or depressed.
Perhaps you just want advice. Can’t a friend tell you what to do, or help you figure things out?
Certainly, a friend may have ideas of what’s best for you, and tell you what to do. I may have ideas about what’s best too, but more importantly I will help you figure things out for yourself. A therapist can help you look deep inside where your own true answers live—and teach you to remember that pathway to your own truth so you can find it again when you need it. Therapists like to help people learn how to look inside on their own, so when they’re finished with therapy they can get on with more rewarding lives.
When you first meet a therapist you have to get to know them and trust them, like with anybody. How do you know you’ve met the right therapist? Mostly, you can feel it in your gut. Do you like each other? Do you think you could get comfortable with this person?
Yes, it’s scary to begin treatment, and awkward talking to a stranger about your personal life. All therapists have ways of helping people feel comfortable; as an Object Relations specialist, I pay close attention to the unspoken feelings revealed in your body language. I’ll let our conversation develop naturally, and I’ll invite you to ask any questions you might have, especially if they seem silly. I’ll probably make a joke, or try to, because therapy can also be playful.
Don’t people get too dependent on their therapist? You might feel dependent for a time, but therapists measure their success by peoples’ abilities to learn and move on, leaving therapy with healthier strategies to make better lives for themselves.
Feeling like you’re done with treatment? The best thing is to talk it over with your therapist and review your original goals. Have you met them? Are there new goals you’d like to work towards?
If you both agree that it’s time to bring your relationship to a close it’s smart to set a date for termination, so you can say a full good-by to each other. Goodbyes are just as important as hellos, you know.
©Copyright 2010 by Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT, therapist in New York, NY. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
Why See a Therapist When You Can Just Talk to Your Friends?
I say its coz a therapist is well-versed in dealing with situations like these,has experience and will definitely have better solutions to your problem than a friend would probably be able to offer to you.
Well, thank you, Jim for your wise comment.
My friends would never know what to say to me to get me through a situation like that. They can get me through every day stuff but that deep down stuff they don’t know how to deal with any better than I do.
It’s good to be able to know when your friends can help and when you need to see a therapist. Can you think of any examples?
Thanks, Austin.
Take care,
Lynn
A friend may be prejudiced in his advice and may impose his own views of the situation if he is already a part of it,because he is your friend! All this is avoided when you go to a therapist. Its like you start with a plain sheet of paper :)
I like that image of a plain sheet of paper, Laurance. A therapist has no axe to grind, isn’t prejudiced the way a friend may be. A therapist can see things more clearly sometimes.
Nice succint, thorough, and highly relevant topic. Lately, I’ve been dealing with clients who self-refer when the friends issue a moratorium on the relationship until something significant changes, i.e., therapy “with a professional.”
Interesting read.
Thank you!
Nice one, Linda- friends get tired listening, you’re right.
Take care,
Lynn
Did a workshop training this weekend on the DBT-CBT “Out-of-Control” therapy workbook I authored, and this topic was addressed in part with the focus on why folks have so many relapses before they recover (average for substance abuse is often 8-18 attempts). One thing that I haven’t seen mentioned in the threads is that sometimes, our people don’t want us to totally change and recover…when our changes can inconvenience them or negatively impact them. They may actually sabotage our recovery for their personal benefit.
For instance, if we change too much, we may not be around them anymore or may no longer be a part of the lifestyle or culture we have shared. Their suggestions may be good in many ways and in some areas, but they may be lacking in the parts that they don’t want us to change…either consciously or unconsciously. For instance, if we choose to stop using drugs and alcohol, it may mean we are not around them anymore. If we want to develop a healthy eating lifestyle and lose weight, we may not be going out to lunch with them to their favorite buffet restaurants anymore and we may choose to bring our lunch to work rather than going out all the time. We may choose to start exercising after work instead of getting together with them and doing what we’ve always done.
If we learn to start setting limits and saying “NO” in one type of relationship, they may not like it when we generalize that new behavior to our relationship!
Today, I shared my story of how I was very overweight for many years and each time I told my husband I was going to start a diet on Monday and he would be going to the store on Sunday, he would bring home ice cream. Of course, with a sweet eating disorder, there went the diet on Monday…and another relapse!
This happened about 4 times over a couple years and instead of one gallon of ice cream, time four was three gallons and we didn’t even have enough room in the freezer! Obviously, he would sabotage my efforts to slim up…probably because he felt more comfortable having a heavy wife (little threat of losing me in his mind).
After the second time this happened, I became very specific about what not to buy…no ice cream, no candy, no donuts, no cake…no brownie mix…NO SWEETS of any type. Each time he would bring home treats right before I started my diet, I would confront him, “Why in the world did you bring ice cream (or donuts, etc) home? I told you I was going on a diet tomorrow.” Of course, the first few rounds of excuses were the stupidity ones…”Oh, I didn’t know that’s what you meant.” or the innocent ones, “I bought it for the kids.” Over the years, I would bring this up and he would laugh and deny…”I didn’t do that.” and by time four when he came home with THREE gallons, it was “OMG…you did it again…”
It stopped after that and the “What, you want me fat…Lisa (sister) now has weight induced diabetes…is that what you want for me?” and the “I need your help with this…” kind of talk. I have now lost a ton of weight over 5 years and my body size is back down to what it was BEFORE I GOT MARRIED to a man that eats and a relationship partner who feels more secure with an obese partner who is less attractive to most men!
Anyways, we consciously and unconsciously sabotage our people’s recovery…not because were bad, horrible, rotten people…but because of our own emotional issues and concerns. Perhaps we don’t want the folks we have in our life to leave us…or otherwise to spend less time with us…or to stop doing something we really want someone to do for us.
All in all, a therapist will be unbiased and will offer the recovery suggestions and tips that will help us to fully recover…even if it requires us to make painful personal changes…and to change codependent and other dysfunctional relationship dynamics.
Another example just ran through my mind…would our best bud at work really encourage us to quit this job and accept a job at another company…if we are their only friend there…or perhaps if we did all the work and if we left, it meant they’d actually have to work? Would our best friend boss encourage us to quit if that meant they lost a great employee and could always count on us to do things when others might not?
I’m sure folks reading this can come up with many examples, too!
Thanks for the blog posting. This was fun to think about!
Melanie, these are great examples. Thank you!
Let me add one of my own. When I stopped smoking my mother got angry- she had given me my first cigarette when I was 16. Smoking was something we had in common.
“Oh no,” she said, “You’re NOT going to stop smoking. That’s crazy!”
“I’m addicted. It’s bad for my health,” I said.
“I told you NOT to get addicted,” she replied, puffing away. “I’m not,” she said. (Years later I learned that’s called denial.)
She stopped speaking to me.
Our best buds want the best for us, if they are really our best buds, and if they can see clearly without bias.
Take care,
Lynn
I dont think you should talk to your friends like a therapist. ALL of my friends talk to me like im their personal “free-2-use” therapist. Dont get me wrong, im glad they can talk to me durring bad times…just when ever we do something 2gether…it always ends up as of…”can i talk to you?” and then we waste and hr n a half talking about their problems and then were down n not all party and stuff. So if u you tlk to your friends like a tharapist…its good here and there….just please! dont do it every single time you see your friends!
I see a therapist weekly and something I have discovered along the way is that you should absolutely not use your friend as a therapist! That is actually being a bad friend. No one wants a “friend” who continually unloads all their life crap on them all the time. Its gets exhausting and boring and tiresome. 90% of a friendship should be fun and 10% none (such as if a friend needs support). If its more than 10%, you need to see a therapist. Not use your friend as one. A friend is a friend. Not a counselor. They should be kept seperate.
So true MissB. my friend uses me as a therapist and I just find it mentally draining, I find myself resenting her and I don’t want to resent my friend. I have my own issues in my life and I feel like I rarely have time to deal with them because she messages me with a new problem EVERY MORNING! I can barely stand to answer my phone anymore! I am a qualified social worker and so is she, so she really should know better!
Why not use your friends as therapists? because you want to keep them!
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