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Study Measures Impact of Parental Suicide on Children


Many children grow up facing distinct challenges within their family lives, though some are presented with pronounced difficulty that may have the potential to negatively impact the child’s adult life. The suicide of a parent during childhood is a markedly traumatic experience that may require special care and therapy treatment, and professionals have been interested in the effects of such an event on children for some time. In a study performed at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center, researchers recently investigated the potential impact of parental suicide on children’s own likelihood of committing the same deed later on in life.

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To carry out the study, researchers focused on statistical data that spanned over the course of thirty years for a group of people in Sweden. Parents involved in the data had either died through suicide, through an accident, or through an illness, or were still alive. The children of these parents were then analyzed for their subsequent rates of psychiatric hospitalization, convictions of violent crime, and death. The study found that children whose parent died through suicide were three times as likely as children with living parents to commit suicide themselves, though this discrepancy disappeared when the children were eighteen or older at the time of the parent’s death. Children whose parent died in an accident while the child was thirteen years of age or younger were twice as likely as kids with living parents to commit suicide, and this tendency likewise disappeared in children of older ages. The death of a parent as the result of illness did not seem to have any impact on suicide rates.

The study highlights the potential for harm among children who experience the death of a parent by suicide before their eighteenth birthday, and researchers suggest that this finding provides ample evidence for the monitoring and distribution of care to kids in such situations. Through providing the right kinds and amounts of support, therapists and other professionals may be able to help break the cycle of suicide in families.

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  • Gregory April 23rd, 2010 at 10:25 AM #1

    As if the loss of a parent is not enough bad news for a child to face,the fact that the parent committed suicide hits the child more than anything else…the child is left confused as to why it happened and because a child cannot often understand the problems that the parent may have had,this confusion can lead up to the child’s adulthood and create problems later on too.

  • Virginia April 24th, 2010 at 5:09 AM #2

    Suicide is such a horrible thing for anyone to have to try to process and deal with, much less a young child. You know there has to be a tendency for the child to think that it was his or her fault, that the adult doing this in some way did this because of them. I hate to see just how profoundly this can impact a child not only now but well into the future. If more people would think about this before committing suicide then maybe numbers would go down.

  • S.cooper April 24th, 2010 at 8:01 AM #3

    A child to encounter death is shocking to say the least and to know that a parent actually decided to end his.her life can very very upsetting to a child and may even interfere with the child’s future mental thoughts and behavior.

  • Carol April 25th, 2010 at 5:16 AM #4

    How could an event like this not have a huge impact in the life of a child? The child will probably not yet quite understand the concept of death and to add to that the fact that this was a death that really did not have to happen adds even more confusion to the mix. Not to mention the fact that suicide is still one of those subjects that for many people remains taboo and they do not know how to talk about it adds even more difficulty to the situation. The child probably feels lost having no one to talk to about what happened and therefore carries that around with him, mulling over it for years.

  • Ginny C April 26th, 2010 at 3:10 AM #5

    suicide is such a selfish act- how anyone could do this to their kids and their families is beyond me

  • Hannah April 27th, 2010 at 2:56 AM #6

    Think of the stigma that these kids must endure when peers discover that a prent has committed suicide. It is hard enough to deal with losing a parent to natural causes, but must be even more difficult when he or she dies at his own hand.

  • Jess July 9th, 2010 at 7:24 PM #7

    This article concerns me greatly as my child’s father committed suicide. We are all getting help and hoping to turn this tragic event into something positive.
    We have started a website to help others who are in our position.
    Please visit and contribute your thoughts.
    Thanks so much

  • Jeff January 29th, 2011 at 2:40 PM #8

    Ginny C – My mother committed suicide when I was 10. It does feel like a very selfish act, but that is only through the eyes of survivors. I think she was so disturbed, she thought she was helping us by freeing us from her. It is hard to imagine feeling that way, unless you have experienced truly suicidal depression.

    Jess – You are doing the right thing. My father did not know to get us help and it was a big, unfortunate mistake by someone who otherwise coped well. I would urge your children to think of their circumstances like a chronic condition. Return to therapy whenever necessary and expect it to be, at least, intermittently necessary.

  • Steve February 16th, 2011 at 5:09 PM #9

    I have kids and I am going through a horrible depression right now. I’ve had traumatic experiences as a child and some of those same feelings are coming up again as an adult. I know it is a selfish thing to do and I know how it would impact my kids. But you reach a certain point when you feel you have no worth and no control over your life and cannot cope regardless of the impact to those around you.

  • Kevin April 8th, 2011 at 12:16 PM #10

    As someone who has attempted suicide twice in the past three years, it is both naieve and simplistic to refer to it as a “selfish” act. Yes, there is a selfish desire to end the pain, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or a combination. But to suggest that it is ONLY a selfish act is unfair. You can reach a point, despite medication and therapy, where you truly believe everyone esle would also be better off. Jeff touched on this in his comments about his mother. I do agree that it can, and in most cases probably does, cause more harm than good for the surviving family, but please don’t forget that the person who takes his or her own lkife is a victim, too.

  • me April 28th, 2011 at 7:26 AM #11

    Suicide is not always a selfish act. What if there is no other way to provide for your family other than an insurance policy that will take care of them financially for years to come. A life insurance policy that has been in effect for years and the “suicide clause” is over.

  • Bobby Jean July 28th, 2011 at 8:21 PM #12

    Suicides often do not want to die .. they j.u.s.t. w.a.n.t. t.h.e. p.a.i.n. t.o. s.t.o.p. It is vital to help the potential suicide develop coping skills … refocus, away from the pain. One good way is a variation of the 4th Step in AA … grab pencils and paper, sit down and write about the pain. Name names. Name dates, times and circumstances. Brutal honesty helps; the more detail the better. There will be tears. After this is written, take it outside and burn it .. one page at a time. Release the memories in the fire. Let the pain lift and disappear with the ashes. Then, start fresh ..make goals on where you want to be in 6 months, 12 months and 60 months. Do ONE THING every day toward one of those goals .

  • dave November 17th, 2011 at 9:28 PM #13

    I have read many of these comments and I do feel that the logical side of a parent suicide more than likely has a very devastating influence on children, especially in my case where my children and I are very close.

    While suicide may appear to be a selfish act (and I do believe it can be sometimes), suicide can also be the ultimate surrender. I have been in such severe emotional, psychological, and emotional pain that it is hard for me to be a human being. It is almost like a drug addict is not acting rationally when they need that next hit, all options are open. When the drug addict starts to heal, it can be shocking what the drug addict was willing to do to get the next hit.

    I feel this is like my urge to end my life. It is like a drug addict willing to do almost anything for the next hip. The pain becomes so overwhelmeing, so encompassing, the pain cuts off all channels of “normal conscious” and suicde becomes the best choice. The difference is a drug addict can always heal while suicide, if succesfull, is a one time deal.

    While I can see how many of you can see and say that suicide is selfish, it is my firm belief that for many it is the overwhelming pain that drives away all conscous thought and increases the desire to end the pain the most effective way possible.

    Hope these words find someone.

  • Ms. D March 7th, 2012 at 3:32 PM #14

    People who characterize suicide as a selfish act are unfamiliar with severe depression. There are times of extreme stress, depression, trauma, alcohol or drug use, etc. that interfere with a person’s ability to think logically or rationally including considering the effect of their actions upon others, even loved ones. If you can’t empathize with a parent who has suicidal thoughts or actually kills him/herself consider yourself lucky to live such a blessed life.

  • Taylor March 13th, 2012 at 8:00 PM #15

    Committing Suicide is the MOST SELFISH ACT EVER!!!!! I understand that you can be going through so much it almost seems impossible to get through it. I was going to committ suicide until someone pulled me down off the top! And there is no doubt that all I was being was selfish!!! I had a baby who needed me more then anything else! If your children aren’t a good enough reason for you to want to live no matter what you are going through or what you are feeling then you are nothing but pathetic. If you are considering it then seriously go get help. How selfish of you to want to take the EASY way out and leave your child to deal with it alone! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start thinking about how you are going to effect those around you. You are only the victim if you choose to be. So stop letting whatever it is that you have gone through or are going through control your feelings and your life!!! You can get through anything! You just need to believe in yourself!

  • margie April 15th, 2012 at 1:13 AM #16

    I have had several friends commit suicide. It was never a selfish act to me. They just could not see their way out of the pain. Human life is complex. There are no easy answers. To Steve, you do have some control and power. Just by expressing your feelings on this page for others to read, you are engaging in an act of sharing and caring. There is great sensitivity in what you write. I know a definition of a loving act act which includes to behave in a caring and sensitive way. For you to do so indicates that you know there is a meaning in life that you can share with your family. I wish you well, whatever road you follow.

  • janice May 3rd, 2012 at 8:52 AM #17

    what is the impact on children if it was an unsuccessful attempt?

  • tim May 30th, 2012 at 6:28 PM #18

    my past partener and the mother of my 13 year old daughter did the unthinkable in the past days. left to pick up the piece`s and try to explain to my daughter what has happened, hard, when i don`t even understand. reading these articles has helped, thanks

  • Sonya June 2nd, 2012 at 1:41 PM #19

    Taylor, thank you, thank you, thank you ! My father commited suicide when I was five years old ( I am now 40) and have spent the last 20 years or so wondering why I wasn’t a good enough reason for my father wanting to live. Suicide is a selfish, pathetic act that leaves devistation and destruction in it’s aftermath

  • Gwendolyn June 5th, 2012 at 7:16 AM #20

    For 44 years I have returned to therapy, as needed, after my father’s suicide (I was six). The therapy which has helped me the most is EMDR therapy. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. You can google EMDR to look up a therapist near you.
    The common talk therapy approach was usually painful for me and I didn’t seem to make a lot of progress. I’m not sure how EMDR works, however, now I can think of the traumatic event and it’s complicated fallout without it triggering strong emotional pain. I have had a chronic physical illness for the past six years, and after healing emotionally through EMDR, the physical illness is almost gone. Isn’t it interesting how one’s physical and emotional health are so interconnected?

  • Gina June 6th, 2012 at 12:38 PM #21

    I have recently loss my x husband and he was still my best friend to suicide. We will never really know way ,but I do know that he was so u happy in his new marriage and his wife did not want him around our little girl. I will never stop wishing that i could have saved him. Please help me with any information you have on . HOW TO COPE AND BE STRONG FOR MY LITTLE ANGEL WHO ALSO HAS MENTAL PROBLEMS.I have never remarried and don’t know if I can because she is a real had full at times.

  • scott June 12th, 2012 at 1:14 AM #22

    People over complete the issue. My kids are grown and do not need ot show much interest in me so I feel they will adjust. Life is cruel and in my case 90% of my waking hours are very painful. I am 57, retired froma career i hated, and have reised three very delightful children. iI am no longer an important part of their lives or any other family member for that matter. Life sure can change. They don,t seem to excited about seeing me or ever calling. They are all I have ever had to be extremely roud of but I still feel lucky i fathered them and was needed until they left for college. They are gone. I hate sublight as it is the start of another painful day. If I were sure iI would cause no long term emotional damage I would have calledd 911, told them to come get my organ donor card off my then dead bodyand save 3`or 4 lives at the expense of on miseable one. My best years are behind me and it will only get worse. My wife has little respect for me and is only afraid of being alone, which I don,t worry too much about. Everyone knows after 30 years if a person really cares about them. If a person is depressed and miserable 90% of the time with no reason to feel it will get better they would be stupid to continue living a life of misery. The first 55 except for an abussive father (not a dad and there is a big difference)were great but the last 4 have been EXTREMELY painful. I just want to make sure I would not ruin another persons life by taking mine and probably save others as I am very healthy for my age of 57. I’d rather repair someone elses family dreams than go on being someone of little to no value that is so miserable. My family will be fine financially and has little need for me otherwise. Good Luck To All those of you in the ultimate struggle.


  • Mike August 27th, 2012 at 5:48 PM #23

    @Virginia – Many do think of the harm it will do to their kids – but when the ex has vowed to destroy the now-deadbeat father who can stop her? With no life, no job thanks to lies to courts and cops, nobody will hire him. So the real problem is when the mother denys the father any means to survive. Forget ‘living’. Get out of your ivory tower and realize now along with being denied work by employers, you guilt the man further for having others take all his options to ‘live’ away. All through free-of-charge divorce called domestic violence injunctions. No proof, no evidence – only a lie or claim.

    And you wonder why missing parents suicide. Nobody believes them. When courts are used the family is always destroyed. Eventually women will understand they can not have it all at anothers expense. And the kids pay for it.

    Women are not the victims – the kids are. In order for the kids to not suffer the attacking court-weilding person needs to be reasonable, not vowing to destroy. Unfortunately, once again, it is the kids who suffer. With women demanding more and more laws to force payment, the only option left is to suicide so the kids get their damn survivor benefits.

    Selfish ‘empowered’ women. What a legacy you have chosen to leave. No wonder the USA has lost its way.

    Sincerely, one who realizes there is no way out without courst letting up a bit.

  • Mike August 27th, 2012 at 6:25 PM #24

    @TAYLOR – You say it is the most selfish act ever? Walk a day in my shoes..

    Potential employers hang up during an interview after googling your arrest photo (which was dropped – no prosecution), the ex called all your employers and references because she stole your resume, harassed family to no end and now they won’t believe me on anything and even hang up, I was middle-class now homeless living with a disabled friend. No work, no money = no child support which causes all sorts of ‘punishments’.

    Now – TAYLOR – who is being selfish? Get off your high horse and see the problem here – I was put in this position against my will by a very upset woman who ‘wants it all’ at any expense. With no place to turn, and no ability to earn moeny short of becoming a criminal – what is left?

    There is no ‘life’ without love, compassion and forgiveness. Things women claim they are but in my experience are not. I am 47 and my life is over. There were no drugs, no alcohol, no violence and no prior complains or previous problems with the law – only a difference of beliefs. Mine is ‘live and let live’, hers was ‘win no matter the cost’.

    Now the kids will never know their father so who cares if I am around or not? Not my fault. Nothing I can do. No way to earn money or even eat.

    What is left? You say call 9-1-1? What will they do – jail? No thank you would rather die in peace then live in hell.

    I have waited 4 years for her to grow up, but no luck. Now you know not all suicides are nutjobs.

  • GoodTherapyAdmin August 28th, 2012 at 1:53 PM #25


    Thank you for sharing here; it sounds like what you are facing is extremely difficult and you are understandably frustrated and angry. If you need someone to talk to, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline is staffed with volunteers 24/7 who will be happy to talk with you at any time. They have access to a variety of resources. Please call them at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY). If you are in crisis or feeling hopeless, we have more information available on this page of our website: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html.

    We wish you the best.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sam August 30th, 2012 at 5:24 PM #26

    My father hung himself when I was 3…I don’t think it was a selfish act as much as an angry one…I can only imagine he was trying to hurt the people who had hurt him so much throughout his life..his parents, my grandparents. And of course it was selfish to the family and children he left behind, but I think of it more of an angry act than a selfish one.

    The biggest pain for me was growing up after that in an emotionally unsupportive environment. With an emotionally distant and unsupportive mother. I had to manage my mother’s emotions as a kid, instead of being able to process my own.

    The most important thing for anyone with kids who have to go through this tragedy is encouraging the kids to feel whatever they need to feel…sadness, anger, grief. And the surviving parent needs to process and heal their own emotions around the event so that they can properly support their kid going through the process. My mom, 30 years later, still denies her emotions around my father’s suicide, and throughout my life this has caused me more pain and suffering than the suicide itself.

    A kid needs an emotionally supportive environment to process the impact of what happened…a kid needs to know that what they feel is OK, it is OK to cry, it is OK to be angry, and a kid needs a therapist who is experienced in helping kids through similar traumas. Otherwise he will likely carry the pain with him for his whole life, and be likely to do the same thing that his parent did.

  • Cashla August 31st, 2012 at 5:20 AM #27

    in my experience of an ongoing (30 years) health condition that, because i’ve lived with it for so many years, can’t be a) that bad or b) difficult to live with because i have for 30 years. so due to health cuts, my desperation, long waiting times, lack of medication to suit me (serious allergy to opiates and NAIDS) means that i cannot see a future for me and my children. articles like this tell me to waiting until my youngest is 18, thats 11 more years of pain, but i guess by then they will well and truely understand that my future = pain. my children need me, but they don’t need a parent who cannot cope with living in their own body, who is terrified of leaving the house incase of an attack, who can’t have their friends over incase of an attack, who sometimes has to drop what ever i’m doing to rush home because of an attack … or worse not be able to come home.
    i am short tempered, sometimes i can’t talk to them at all due to the pain and discomfort, other times i’m so depressed that i fail them and watch their love for their once perfect (in their eyes) mummy, to a horrible shouting bitch that just looks a bit like her because of pain, misunderstanding, being caught and lost in systems …
    but hey, who would wish that on their children? that would be the selfish one no?
    i’ve phone the samaritans who suggested i try someone else … my gp maybe … gp says take some pills, but dont overdose. now on yer bike, we have sicker people to see.
    i want my childrens lives to take off, as far as i can see, i’m hindering them.

  • Ted September 9th, 2012 at 9:22 PM #28

    No Taylor. Your the one thats pathetic.

  • john dow September 25th, 2012 at 9:05 PM #29

    Taboo and selfish

    Suicide is selfish, and fits right into the selfish culture we live in. It’s incredible the things that humans can rationalize and justify, virtually any action, access denial, murder of innocent people (in war times) ,etc . I could go on, the hypocrisy is undeniable. Many behaviors that are simply wrong, are still legal. The survivors could simply lie to the children until they reach the age of 18, unless you’ve
    never lied to your kids before to serve your own selfish ends.At least with a successful attempt you will not have any more regrets.

  • john dow September 25th, 2012 at 9:10 PM #30

    You would not blame a victim of heart disease, stroke or a any other disease of dying, why would you blame a sufferer of depression of submitting to suicide? THINK ABOUT IT!

  • JM October 8th, 2012 at 6:47 AM #31

    My father committed suicide when I was 5 and my mother lied to me about how he died. I later found out the truth when I was 12 from a friend. Trust me, lying to your children is not the answer. It hurt even more to know that my entire family had been lying to me for almost a decade.

  • Haley October 24th, 2012 at 8:52 PM #32

    My father committed suicide when I was 7. I am 31 now and the anger I have always felt is still there. It doesn’t matter what you are going through, you’re children will not forgive you if you kill yourself. My father was going to be arrested the next morning. I guess he thought that it would be better for me and my 3 siblings if he was dead. It is the moat selfish thing anyone can do. You’re children will never get past it. My youngest sister was just a baby when it happened and she is struggling with the why now. I guess a parent can rationalize that the kids would be better off. They aren’t. You are depriving them of something they need and will never truly get past.

  • Haley October 24th, 2012 at 9:07 PM #33

    Suicide is a selfish act. I have struggled with depression myself. However, if you have children think of what you will be putting them through. A parent is supposed to love and protect their children. Committing suicide is not protecting them, it is damaging them. You have no idea what it is like to live your life wondering why you weren’t good enough for your father to want to live. You say that believing suicide is selfish means that we don’t empathize with someone who has severe depression. Think of the pain and devastation you are causing by committing suicide. The anger is always there but so is the longing for wondering what it would have been like to have a father. My mother is the strongest person I know because she picked up the broken pieces after my dad killed himself. He left her alone to raise 4 children. I also watched what his suicide did to my grandparents. One month before my dad killed himself my moms dad did the same thing. Suicide is not the answer. It does far more damage then you realize. Why would you want to leave your kids behind and have them wonder why you didn’t love them enough to stay and what they did so wrong that you would want to kill yourself?????

  • Mike October 30th, 2012 at 12:48 AM #34

    @HALEY –

    What you are describing is exactly what I do NOT want my kids to go through. So please let me share with you what I would care to guess is near what your father was going through before he decided to take his own life.

    Getting into such a bad situation is something many parents fail to teach their kids how to avoid. Mine never did beyond moralistic criticism.

    When parents disagree, many women today are so empowered to get control over a man they will lie to courts/cops to get what they want. The violent ones get what they deserve, however according to our own government, 90% of Domestic Violence Injunctions are against first-time offenders who had no prior arrests. This is so common today and any divorce lawyer will tell you get one as it is free.

    Once the courts are involved it is game over and only a matter of time until the non-custodial parent, 95% of the time it is the father, succumbs to suicide. Where you seem to be stuck at is WHY??

    Though I doubt you want to believe this, women have a proven track record of changing a painful memory into one where they are the victim. This is the view and source of every woman today who is ‘empowered to destroy’ any man who crosses her. Piss off a woman and your life is over?? Yes.

    Your own expressions here are exactly what happens when kids are denied the truth. My guess is your father tried everything he could to recover but with the ‘system’ on his back he was not able to. Government is what drove him to be set for arrest the next day, and when faced with the choice of jail-for-life for failing to pay court-ordered child support or suicide – he chose to go out on his terms not the governments or a uncaring ‘system’.

    I myself face the same situation – denied work because my uncivil ex decided to lash out so badly by calling all my former employers and family and now nobody will give me a break. I have not been able to get work in this awful economy and that is why. The courts do not care why – they only say ‘pay or go to jail’.

    Your mother may be a strong person in your eyes but until you can see past her claims none of it is her fault too, and that she could very well have done something about it, then you will never get over the anger.

    I was given a 2-month reprieve on being arrested for the same non-payment as your father while I continue to start a company with a venture capitalist, which of course will take care of any arrears. If that fails – I too will choose physical death over jail-for-life.

    In the end Haley, if you are angry and not able to let it go, it means what you have been told is not 100% true and accurate. Finding out that truth is a painful process and can rip apart family ties as nobody wants to take any responsibility for their part in anothers death.

    If your father left his death up until the day before being arrested – I can assure you he tried and felt so badly for what he was about to do. And now you hate him. Exactly what an ‘empowered’ woman wants – to get away with ‘legal murder’. And you are paying her price.

    If you do get to the truth, eventually you will realize we are all human and will do anything to survive. Your father had no choice left.

    To all others, this is what happens to kids, hopefully mine will not suffer as much if I am brought to this point in a month, but this is what happens when a custodial parent is selfish and thinks only of herself, not the kids.

    Start being civil and the kids do not suffer. If reading Haleys hate towards her powerless father is not enough for you than maybe after your kids start acting like her and suffer their own issues later in life you will feel regret. If not then you brought it on yourselves.

    Govt statistic: Demographics show up to 40 years old is almost 50/50 men/women. After 40 years of age, more women survive than men, changing to a 57% women/43% men mix by 50 years of age. Suicide by men are 4 time that of women over 40. Most male suicide is due to child support problems.

    Something to think about.

    Hang in there Haley – against you will you have been thrown in to the middle of your parents disagreement and are suffering because of it. Talk to a therapist, not just your ‘strong’ mother. She will lie to protect herself even today. A therapist will not.

    The truth – is out there. You just have to find it.



  • Blank November 6th, 2012 at 12:38 PM #35

    If anything ever happens to my daughter. I will definitly end it all with out hesitation…Enjoy ur beautiful broken world

  • Mike November 9th, 2012 at 1:51 AM #36

    @BLANK – Nobody ever enjoys a broken world. Why the sarcasm?

    Civil parents do not let differences affect their children. Cruel pathetic ones do. If I had anything to say in the matter, and clearly the cops/courts/feminazis ignore my provable facts, then my kids would not be suffering non-payment or lack of love from their father. Dead people can not defend themselves. Children have only one-side to hear, and the victor gets away with murder.

    If you deprive a ncp access, your kids will suffer the rest of their lives. Your choice, your (and daughters) delayed consequences.

    Enjoy your beautiful broken mind.

  • sarah aydın January 7th, 2013 at 11:10 AM #37

    ı am a 48 year old female ı lost both my father and uncle to suıcıde ı was aged 8/10 my mother dıed some years later not frm suıcıde she was a vıctım of domestıc vıolence from my father at the age of almost 12 ı was fostered my foster mother was a chıld holocaust survıvor she subjected me to severe emotıonal abuse and told me many tımes that ı would end my lıfe the same way as my father. ı have been ın vıolent relatıonshıps wıth men that have suffered vıolent abuse as chıldren they were all unfaıthful and left me. ı have always managed to pıck myself up but ın the last two years have been sufferıng wıth anxıety ıt ıs very crıplıng at tımes but ı want to beat ıt as ı feel ı deserve a better lıfe ıt ıs dıffıcult as ı have lımıted support but ı know ı am worth more than thıs….

  • nikki January 14th, 2013 at 8:53 AM #38

    I have read every single one of these entries. I was trying to get info on what committing suicide will do to my children. I have three beautiful angels 5, 3, and six months. I have struggled with major depression since i was 10 years old. I’ve had PPD after each child and it’s been particularly worse after the last. I am on meds, which dont seem to help. I honestly think that I will be setting my children free, sacrificing my life is worth it for them to grow up with a more stable parent. There is alot of love and support around for my children. I know that they will be taken care of. Hopefully they will understand when they get older that their mommmy was very sick. i can’t help whats wrong with me, ive been on meds for 13 years, i tried committing suicide several times as a teen. i get no support at all whatsoever from the people in my life which makes this even harder to deal with. so before u people say suicide is totally selfish, take a walk in my shoes. do u know what its like to hate yourself? to look in the mirror and wanna gouge out your own eyes because you hate what you see? do you know what it’s like to be so “sick” that there is no way to stop the pain. Ive done therapy, counseling, meds, ive done it all. ive done the emdr therapy and i dont have the money for ect or i’d try that. my husband is unhappy but wont admit it, he loves me only out of obligation. im just tired. im tired of feeling so helpless, so worthless, im a burden to everyone around me. im tired of my family having to walk on eggshells around me, then whispering about “my condition’ behind my back. i tell my husband all this that i out here and all he says is i dont know how to help you. i bookmarked a page on our laptop for him to read, “how to cope with a depressed spouse” that was four months ago, he never read it. im all alone in this and if im gonna be all alone, then why be here?

  • Jackie Praed January 19th, 2013 at 3:03 PM #39

    Your children need YOU, their mom, because if they had the choice they would pick you without hesitation over any other parent. No one else can love them like you do because no one else nurtured them inside their belly for 9 months until they were safely born. No one else can take your place, no one else is good enough. I have had depression most of my life, I’ve tried to commit suicide many times and I have been admitted to psychiatric hospital too. Depression is emptiness, loneliness, despair and it damages your soul. It gives you the wrong perception of the world around you, it clouds your mind and obscures your view. Whatever you are feeling right now is just a feeling, it is not a fact. Feelings are not facts; feelings are tricks your mind plays to make you think you are worthless. You are so worthwhile, I bet your children and husband adore you but you cannot even take praise from anyone, can you? Whatever the reasons were for you getting depression in the first place, remember that depression is a place your mind puts you when it feels it has to escape reality. But, I promise you that depression is a far WORSE place than reality. You can beat depression, because you have beaten it this far, and your children need you ALIVE for the rest of their lives! Take care, hold onto hope and it will give you strength. Talk to your husband, help him see your despair and he might just turn into the rock you cling to during the loneliest hours. Take care, Nikki x

  • Kate January 19th, 2013 at 6:40 PM #40

    I DO know EXACTLY how you feel and what your thinking!!! And Im grateful to find someone out there that can relate and not freak out. I constantly believe that my beautiful daughters and mother would be BETTER off if I killed myself/’went away forever.’ I have tried almost every med, been hospitalized many times and DID have ECT! Which not only didnt work but caused severe permanent memory problems. In the last year, so many bad bad things have happened…mom dying, husband fed up and divorcing me, hes also seeking full custody using my mental health issues as reasoning, then i started medicating with substances, and on New Years…I totaled my car and got DUI…i was arrested which was the worst experience ever! Point is…i was suicidal as a child–let alone now!!! Look at all the harm i keep causing everyone!! Also, im hopeless and so tired and scared. Maybe we could exchange emails or something…thought i was all alone

  • Kate January 19th, 2013 at 7:32 PM #41

    VERY good point!!! I want to die soooo bad but have always felt it was selfish…i escape the pain but my parents and daughters would suffer greatly. HOWEVER, i have been causing so much pain to them alive through drug addiction and depression, that I often believe they would be ‘better off!’ Sincerely! I have actively tried to get well for 10 years and i am hopeless that i will ever get better. If i was gone, they would grieve for a bit but then move on and not have to put up with my bullshit for many years! I just cant stop thinking about them missing mommy soooo bad… This is miserable! Also, Im not so sure why there is such hostility and even mean comments here. Be grateful and compassionate…u dont have to agree

  • Nikki January 21st, 2013 at 10:43 AM #42

    The morning I posted this I had made my mind up that I was going to OD myself that night. It felt right, it was finally the right day, i felt so happy and free knowing that i was going to set free myself and family. Then I found this page. reading alot of these stories saved me that day. I NEVER want my children to think that I didnt love them enough to stay around. i never want them to grow up angry and confused because of my actions, I don’t want to damage them. My kids are the reason my heart beats. if i killed myself then their pure innocent souls would be forever scarred. i love them too much to do that to them, ever. @ jackie, thank you. your words are very inspiring. i know that my “disease” controls me and i just have to keep that in check. Ive been to the dr twice since that day and will be seeing a counselor each week then a psychiatrist. so maybe i can get something to work. @ kate, i’d love to talk to you. having someone that understands means alot more than you think. sure you can email me anytime, i dont care that we dont know each other, that makes it better, lol, no biased opinions.
    For the ones that shared your stories of your parents suicide, i am so sorry that you had to go through that. But please know that reading your stories made me change my mind and I’m still breathing.
    Thank you!

  • Jen5 February 11th, 2013 at 7:56 PM #43

    Killing me slowly…
    Have a hubby that everyone loves and two gorgeous daughters aged 12 and 9.5. Just cant do this anymore. I have PTSD, Anxiety and Panic Disorder, Depression, Agoraphobia and Social Phobias. I used to have a great career until I had a breakdown 9 years ago from workplace bullying. I worked for the company for 14 years and they just turned their backs on me. I felt hugely betrayed and hurt and my life has been a downward spiral ever since. I have been on over 65 anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications and CBT etc but nothing works. My doctors don’t know what to do with me, my husband doesn’t know how to handle me and I am just a burden on everyone around me. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it to my husband. I can’t do it to my girls. I can’t do it to all the people who have tried to help. I see in their eyes how I disappoint them and I just can’t do it to them anymore. I love them too much for that. Does anyone know the effects that a parental suicide will have on children that age? Is it just short term? I know people will initially be upset, they will say they should have all done more, that I should have reached out for help etc but soon enough they will say it was inevitable and it is a release for me and my family. So can anyone help with the question regarding the girls?

    Re: Killing me slowly…
    I can tell you the effects on your two girls will be a life time there is not short time grieving when you lose a parent to suicide You set them up with the same coping skills that they too will see suicide as a way out. Instead you hun hold on to their love you fight for not only YOU but themok show them there is other ways to cope. CBT DBT therapy ECT treatment hun you do not give up on YOU or their love ok don’t sentenced them to life time of sadness don’t pass on your pain
    It is the only reason i have not left iwill not destroy my children by leaving i will just endure the sadness untill it is my time to go

    Much appreciated

  • Sick.and.tired March 17th, 2013 at 9:20 AM #44

    I will write letters to my kids explaining why and reassuring them that it wasn’t their fault.
    People who have never felt like this are exactly what I thought..ignorant, cold hearted, judgemental and they don’t understand or believe what we feel.
    It is not selfish when you kill yourself FOR your kids.
    No matter how many years go by I am always going to feel like this.
    My kids really would be better off without me. They are being damaged by my depression.
    My partner is worse at parenting than I am even with my depression so I need to wait till they are old enough to look after themselves but I don’t think I can.
    My life and theirs would be 100% different without depression.
    I am too tired to work. Nobody likes me because I am so negative so I have no friends.
    I am jealous of the mums that don’t have depression.
    I hate everybody.
    I can never finish anything which makes me dependant on my partner for anything that involves money. My children need money to live.
    I am worthless, just a burden to society and my family. I am a dissappointment to my father. I have ruined my partners life by having children with him. My depression has ruined his life. I make him unhappy because I am unhappy.
    There is no hope of anything getting better or changing because it has been like this for 17 years and I am only 28. I am so tired!!! My children will probably feel like this too since my parents and siblings do too.
    Why did I give this life to them?
    You can only act happy for so long before you snap or give in..
    I just wish I could be happy, go to work, make friends, play with my children and ‘feel’ and enjoy it. I feel numb or pain ALL THE TIME!! Everyone judges me. If I hear “the power of positive thinking” one more time…
    I am very dumb too so if I did get cured I couldn’t do anything anyway. I forget people I have known for years.
    I wake up and I wish the day was over. Life does go faster now..I’m wasting the years and I know I will regret it and have guilt about not enjoying it more but I can’t change that.
    You wake up with energy and excitment or at least with a feeling of peace wondering what you will do with the day. I wake up wanting to die yet you say I’m selfish. It’s because I’m not selfish that I don’t want to inflict them with this. You are selfish for not caring about your loved ones enough to stop to think that you might be hurting them. At least somebody loves you. I have nothing but pretend love because I am so ‘negative, morbid, ugly inside’ and apparently selfish

  • admin2 March 19th, 2013 at 3:28 PM #45

    Dear Sick.and.tired,
    It sounds like you are in crisis, and we want to provide you with some resources that may help! If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, we encourage you to do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health.
    You can call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    We wish you the very best!
    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Christine July 11th, 2013 at 1:02 PM #46

    I have a 6 month old baby girl. Her father killed himself over his 2nd ex wife and losing his children from that marriage through a recent divorce when I was 4 months pregnant. He came to me to live as he had no place else to go when she kicked him out. I think he accidently on purpose made Evie because he was desperate for family. He just kept getting more and more depressed and refused medication. He spoke about how he was going to kill himself and leave his life insurance to his 2nd ex wife even though he’d promised his daughters from his first marriage who he’d abandoned for the second ex wife that he would leave it to them. I didn’t believe he’d commit suicide in the end, I though I could help him through it so I never pushed him to think about his unborn child. He just said he couldn’t think of that right now. But now my baby’s father killed himself and left her nothing knowing she was coming. Does anyone know how I must deal with this when she starts asking questions, or what to tell her so that I can prevent her feeling worthless and unloved? I have terrible problems with low self esteem and I don’t want that for my child, what do I do, how do I approach the issue with her?
    Thanks for any suggestions you can give

  • Sharyn August 10th, 2013 at 12:42 AM #47

    My mother committed suicide when I was five and my brothers were three and eighteen months old. My father remains stuck in anger and I recall being afraid most of the time. I am now in my fifties having been in therapy exhausting myself looking for answers. I have come to the point where I realise that my mother was in a great deal of pain and that it was never about me personally. I also realise that, at five, I cannot ever truely understand and that I don’t have to keep ‘paying for it.’ This is a slow process of learning how to comfort myself gently when anxiety arises. I am also learning to encapsulate my fathers frightening outbursts and recognise it as his suffering. There is no right or wrong fundamentally. I think judging it keeps me in a circle with no end. I guess all I can do is to bear how I feel and learn to nourish the traumatised child in me. It’s been a hard journey dismantling the egotisms and facing the pain but it’s worth it.
    Go gently.

  • MaryBeth November 13th, 2013 at 4:39 PM #48

    Dear Friends and hurting ones…First, I want to send you love and light and prayers for peace, clarity of understanding. That being said, it saddens me that people think of ending one’s own life as an act of selfishness. It is an extreme cry for help and a sacrifice of their own future potential with a belief that others will be better off afterward. It is a belief so strong they will die for it.

    We ALL die: death is a natural part of life. Whether one is hit by a bus, dies from natural causes or takes control of their timeline, death is never easy for those left behind. There is trauma in sudden death of all types. There is survivor’s guilt even at the end of long illnesses. The false guilt and manufactured belief of eternal punishment is harmful to all. We come into the world, we live, we die, we return to the Universe. If we so choose, we come back to learn more lessons. Yes, it is a decision that we must each make… sometimes the Hell is the life a person lives NOW.

    The older person who, after raising their children, finds no rest or retirement, experiences declining health and financial stressors, perhaps an emotional exile from their family (for whom they gave their all)… may choose, whether sick or not, to end things on their own terms and shorten suffering. It is not much different than physicians giving sick patients massive amounts of pain medication known to depress respiratory centers to cause death. We do not call that murder. It is not a sin. It is considered empathic and kind. I believe we need to change our paradigm.

    As a parent to many children, grandparent to many more, who begrudgingly remained in a bad marriage to finish raising the kids, I gave up everything. For a while I separated from my children’s father and had a life of my own, successfully raising some of the children myself. It was a better time.

    For their sake I returned to where their f anther was. We experienced more pain, drama, crises and catastrophes of every type, every kind imaginable. I sold my home (from when I was on my own) and gave everything to the children per their needs. I bought a life insurance policy a while back after careful consideration of the fine print.

    My children’s father is a sad excuse for a man and was a cause of many of the problems by being as wishy washy as a cold fish, with the backbone of a worm.
    It is he that the children love because he exposed a completely laissez faire style of non confrontational parenting with no standards, no consequences and no expectations. I beat my head against wall for decades.

    My physical health is excellent, but my life energy is gone. I wish all of my children well. Some are fine (only the ones I raised independently), others are not, because of the lifestyle with their father. 34 police calls, 4 SWAT raids, immeasurable violence, drugs, illegal activity and promotion of a thug mentality topped with a hefty dose of entitlement. I can no longer help them, have no respect from them, and am so done with them that I am ready to give them what they really want.

    The ‘good’ kids who are now on their own life paths know how much I love and adore them, how proud of them I am, and that I will always be with them in spirit. They also have each other…an immutable support system.

    My plan is in place, I am finalizing detailed preparations, and I am tying up all loose ends. There will be nothing for any of them to do nor worry about. I will provide for those who have need, and I will give freedom to the others.

    I have tried to teach them life lessons. They have watched grandparents die off…some suddenly, others inhering pitifully. They have had friends pass unexpectedly, and understand the cycle of life. They will not be the ones to find the remains (which shall be properly prepped to minimize traumatic viewing), and will need to make only one phone call to handle all arrangements. My spreadsheet and database are on my computer desktop, my bills are paid, my funds and possessions distributed and forms prepped for closing down a minimal number of accounts. This has been in place for a long time, and no one knows about it…obviously my name and email are for convenience only. My passing will appear as a natural cause secondary to an unfortunate environmental accident.

    When I go, it will be because it is one of those junctures that each of us have during life when we can decide to leave. I am ready, my family is ready, and I will leave behind no unnecessary pain. The good in my life has been passed to those who will carry on with honor and strength of character. Some have chosen other paths and must walk those paths on their own. We can not live nor choose life or death for anyone else.

  • GT Support GT Support November 14th, 2013 at 11:50 AM #49

    Thank you for your comment, MaryBeth. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Whelmed February 9th, 2014 at 5:12 PM #50

    I can tell you that even at 45 years old a child feels unloved and abandoned at the suicide of their parent. Please please please do not put your children through that. I can guarantee you it is hell,

  • donna February 20th, 2014 at 5:36 PM #51

    I found this site looking for what a mothers suicide does to a child. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. with some therapy I realized I have been depressed since I was 12. That’s 18 years. we have 3 kids and one surprise on the way.
    I know I will not be able to see all my children grow up and it makes me sad. but I know if I end all this pain they might have a fighting chance to be happy. my husband doesn’t get it and probably won’t until I actually go through with it. I’m so tired of being unhappy, and feeling like a failure at everything.

  • GT Support GT Support February 21st, 2014 at 11:11 AM #52

    Thank you for your comment, Donna. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • K March 9th, 2014 at 3:16 PM #53

    My dad killed himself when I was 10 years old and he burdened me with his issues, teach your children that no matter how bad things get you stick together and get through things in life, seek professional help and never leave them with the pain that my dad left to me. You may think that your hard to be around at times but that’s nothing compared to the burdens you would leave behind if you went through with this! It’s unfair and selfish and will effect them throughout their lives far worse than the effects of living with a mother who suffers with severe depression.
    I wish I had been enough for my dad to want to stay here for and his actions and selfish way out has effected every area of my life please find strength, seek professional help, it’s ok to say “I’m not ok” things will get better. Please try meditation, (YouTube) type in …..chakra cleansing and balancing ask your angels and spirit guide every day to intervene, guide you, give you strength and love x I send you healing, love and strength xxxx
    Please don’t do it to them they need their mummy, even if your a little broken now, you can heal be strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • K March 9th, 2014 at 3:23 PM #54

    I believe through experience that they will be more damaged by your suicide, than your depression I believe it is selfish because my father would rather pass his pain on to a child than feel it himself. Please find strength in god, ask your angels to guide you, love you and give you strength x

  • K March 9th, 2014 at 3:42 PM #55

    They only lied to protect you, that’s a beautiful thing xxx

  • K March 9th, 2014 at 4:03 PM #56

    I completely agree, I’ve struggled with my fathers suicide for 16 yrs I was 10, I am still and will always be affected by his actions, the way I am relationships fear of abandonment , need for control ect. My advice if you would like it let go of the anger by choosing life I believe that in order to choose life you have to choose to forgive anger makes you bitter and that will effect you so much more and you will pass his issues and then your issues on to your children. Break the cycle choose to forgive and choose to not allow his actions to burden any more of your life.
    I wrote him two letters several years apart let them go in the sea, the first full of mixed emotions anger, hate, love, sorrow ect, the second simply…………….. I love you, I forgive you, sweet dreams and believe me my dad was not a good person so this took me years to get to this point. But I chose to feel love in my heart not anger.
    India arie song opened my eyes, I woke up one morning with the chorus in my head, never really listened to the words before so checked it out and funnily enough it had been 15 years since he had died………

    One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
    No one has the power to hurt you like your kin
    Kept it inside, didn’t tell no one else
    Didn’t even wanna admit it to yourself
    And now your chest burns and your back aches
    From 15 years of holding the pain
    And now you only have yourself to blame
    If you continue to live this way
    Get it together
    You wanna heal your body
    You have to heal your heart
    Whatsoever you sow you will reap
    Get it together

    You can fly fly

    Dark future ahead of me
    That’s what they say
    I’d be starving if I ate all the lies they fed
    Cause I’ve been redeemed from your anguish and pain
    A miracle child I’m floating on a cloud
    Cause the words that come from your mouth
    You’re the first to hear
    Speak words of beauty and you will be there
    No matter what anybody says
    What matters the most is what you think of yourself


    The choice is yours
    No matter what it is
    To choose life is to choose to forgive
    So shake that weight off and you’ll be ready to fly


  • K March 9th, 2014 at 4:17 PM #57

    I think your children have gone through enough pain please do not be the one to cause them any further pain, that is the selfish act. It’s not okay to leave them with pain and issues because you don’t want to feel yours anymore, completely selfish.
    Your past sounds horrific and I send you peace love and healing but please it is your past, not your present and not your future. It’s unfair to burden your children’s lives and grandchildrens lives. Seek help find god ask your angels for guidance they will only intervene if asked. Xx

  • Still empty March 23rd, 2014 at 8:25 PM #58

    I can honestly empathize with anyone having vivid fantasies and feeling the freedom that planning or even acting out their own suicide encompasses. I too have struggled all my life with depression and suicidal ideation, and probably always will. I just turned 26, I have an 11 month old daughter. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a step father who was straight as an arrow, but both were mentally and physically abusive. I have seen the wost of my mother but sadly do not truely know her nor do I have fond memories of her.
    My real father killed himself when I was 17 months old and I still feel the effects of it today. I will always grieve the parent, and relationship I wish I had. I will always feel empty because a piece of who I am and where I come from is missing. His death has broken the entire family up and we are stuck reliving the heart ache of it each day. So before you end your life, just imagine, how your children or loved ones would feel if they have known you longer than I ever had the chance to know my father. If his suicide could hurt me so much and I have no memory of him, imagine what the act could do to those you have years of memories with and relationships with!
    As much as either of my parents abused me, I would still feel such sadness if either would die or take thier lives. We touch everyone we meet as we go through life in some measure. Do not fool yourself into thinking that your life is not valuable and that people would be better off without you because that simply could not be further from the truth. Life can be hard, cruel and ugly, but sometimes it is amazing and incredibly beautiful. If an insect falls into a pool does it not have the will to try to survive drowning?, to fight to live? Why is it so hard for us as humans to have the same will? We are here for a reason, even if that reason is only spiritual growth we must find the courage each day to live. It would be too easy to give up and I do feel that if you would be successful you would regret taking your life, but it would be too late. I still think about ending it all when I am upset, but this is a pattern in my thinking that should be replaced by problem solving. Nothing in life is unsolvable.
    I made the decision, when I had my daughter, that I would never let her feel the sadness and emptiness I feel everyday because I refuse to give in to these dark thoughts. I choose life!

  • Gemma April 1st, 2014 at 11:31 AM #59

    Your kids will spend their lives wishing you’d waited til they could tell you your worth.

  • Monica April 7th, 2014 at 4:07 PM #60

    My mother committed suicide when I was pregnant at 23. I would not say that these symptoms disappear after age 18. It was 13 yrs ago and I still have trouble coping.

  • Jennifer June 14th, 2014 at 3:20 PM #61

    I have been thinking that suicide is my way out but then I think of my children I was molested and impregnated by my stepdad that raped me when I was young I dispose my mother and I thought I could lean on my father for the comfort but I was wrong he put me in a children’s home and left me alone I had the bastard child and started my down streak in life I was a user and and alcoholic at age 13 I didn’t care about life I tried multiple times to commit suicide none obviously successfulu thought I found the man of my dreams had 5 kids with him and one day what do I walk in to him molesting our girls I thought to myself here we go again a man that supposed to love and care for his children was taking advantage of my babies that hurt I put him behind bars for years and now I have my kids that are hurt by this and I just feel so overwhelmed with this I got in touch with my dad and stayed with him it was all good for awhile but them a day when he was drinking decided to pull me to a side and tell me he’s always had a crush on me I’m like really wtf but any who I think about suicide a lot and I am scared cuz one day I will be successful I love my kids but life gets hard at times any suggestions on who I can go for help????

  • J July 26th, 2014 at 8:54 PM #62

    I’m 18, and my father committed suicide when I was 13. He did it in one of the most horrible ways–he hung himself. I still can’t think about it. I’m even to the point where I think I need therapy. It’s horrible. The worst part is trying to figure out why he did it.

  • moi August 13th, 2014 at 3:56 PM #63

    I came here because I googled what effect my suicide would have on my son. I would never do this to him. I will just smoke more and die early from cancer. This world is exhausting.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 14th, 2014 at 9:21 AM #64

    Thank you for your comment, moi. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Georgia August 17th, 2014 at 6:31 PM #65

    My father commited suicide when I was just 12 years old…..my mom became an alcoholic…..she got a boyfriend that acts like a little kid and thinks it funny…I can’t just get “over” it as everyone tells me……..I just want to die and all this pain to end…..I’m lonely…..my moms boyfriend ruined this family…..my sister has moved out…..my two eldest brothers do subsistance activities a lot…..my younger brother questions what the hell is wrong with me……I am hated by a lot of people……a lot of people know me as “miss teen top of the world 2014/15…….it’s as if I have been traumatized…….all these memories come up from the past…..I just stay in bed all day and cry……cry myself to sleep……barely make it through the day at school……

  • GoodTherapy.org Support GoodTherapy.org Support August 17th, 2014 at 8:28 PM #66

    Thank you for your comment, Georgia. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Clare N M August 26th, 2014 at 8:58 PM #67

    Hey there everyone:) My dad committed suicide when I was 16 years old, he gased himself in his car at the beach. I am now 33 years old I have suffered from anxiety, depression , anorexia, substance abuse for the last 17 years. I never onced had counselling to deal with this until last year. I recommend it highly to get professional help so you can confront this head on. No one can do this on there own I tried for 17 years and completely failed. Trauma therapy is the best thing to have happened to me. Cheers
    Clare Bear

  • trevor September 3rd, 2014 at 5:20 PM #68

    I came here just to vent. To get it out. To say it to whoever will listen. I’m 27 almost 28, life is just miserable. With being framed for a crime I didn’t commit. Lucky the judge knew it but only has power of sentence. Great! Jury trial of 12 morons.. I’ve been struggling for years now and it keeps building I have no place here on earth. My life is a waste. I dwell Dailey on suicide as I feel its my last resort as a way out.. My only promble is my 6 year old dauther. I break out in years at the first thought of leaving her knowing she won’t and never will understand. Idk what to do anymore. I lost my lisence for points.. And has since destroyed my life through work and the. Onto poverty when I made good money because I can’t get around.. Relationships are always a bust and end on my account because I have . issues and obvious problems with my head. Mother and I are not together and this is ware the charges came from. An attempt to put me in dirt.. I prevailed yet constant things come up. And persistent defamation on her end persue. I just want to end it. I wanna move away. Just start fresh some where no one knows me. I can’t and won’t leave my princess but I’m not strong enough to continue living a lie of happyness for her as I have. A smile is hard to do. A laugh.. I have no friends. I’ve shut everyone out. I’ve made my gf that loved me to death hate me and I don’t know y.. I hate myself! And I don’t want anyone else to love me or care.. Most of all I don’t want my daughter to have an impact on my decision and haunt her her life when it’s only my problem and I never wanted her to suffer also. But ibknow that she is my most important and I can not let her suffer as that’s the intended idea…Sorry for the typos all..

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team September 4th, 2014 at 10:51 AM #69

    Thank you for your comment, Trevor. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Abril September 5th, 2014 at 4:58 PM #70

    Jennifer, did you get some help? Please answer!

  • Abril September 5th, 2014 at 5:02 PM #71

    Christine, have you found some help?

  • Sunny September 6th, 2014 at 7:29 AM #72

    Do not ever think of committing suicide. I know it must of been very hard for you, but think of the people who has to live in war, and cancer. How much they desire to live longer. My parent committed suicide a whlile ago and I tell you it’s very painful. Especially, your daughter is so young. Please live just for your daughter.

  • jen September 14th, 2014 at 2:54 PM #73

    I also stumbled here after trying to find the best way to commit suicide without ruining my children s lives.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support September 14th, 2014 at 7:25 PM #74

    Thank you for your comment, Jen. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mary September 17th, 2014 at 10:59 PM #75

    Thank you all for these comments. I stumbled in here by Googling effects of suicide on my children. Right now, I am so depressed and stressed and angry that I am a horrible mother. I truly believe that my children need me out of their lives. I have a daughter-age 5, and a son-age 10. I’m 43 and single. I’ve been suicidal for so long that that almost isn’t the point anymore. If I lose control of this fight, I will die, and my children will have no choice but to cope. I have even experienced my first boyfriend commiting suicide when I was 19 and he was 26–so I know the suffering of those left behind. I remember that I would have given ANYTHING for him to just be alive. And yet, here I am in a fight to hold on to my own life. I am fighting with meds and therapy and functional medicine and holistic medicine–anything. But I want those of you who don’t understand to hear this…this is a disease. I can not tell it what to do no matter how hard I fight or how much money I spend. It has hold of me. I was sitting here trying to think of a way to talk to my children so they can understand my deplorable behavior lately but I don’t know how or what to say to them. It’s so complicated. I imagine my 5 year old anouncing in kindergarden that her mom has bipolar depression and takes 12 pills a day, so I say nothing. I can imagine they are hurt and confused. What can I say to them? should I send them to live with someone else? Many of you went through this as children. Do you have any advice? I know many of you have said that suicide is selfish, but for me it is a compulsion that is neither selfish nor unselfish–it just exists. I’m doing my best to lessen the suffering of others and I’m very, very sorry for all of you, and my children.

  • Greg September 20th, 2014 at 5:24 PM #76

    Many men die to suicide because they can no longer provide for their families.

  • linda September 20th, 2014 at 11:47 PM #77

    Think of the pain jesus went through when he died for you

  • anonymous September 23rd, 2014 at 7:19 PM #78

    My dad committed suicide when I was 13. At the time I handled it pretty well but I think it ended up affecting me later on (I am 28 now). I have a very difficult time with getting out of romantic relationships that I know aren’t healthy. My therapist says I have “fear of abandonment.”

  • anonymous September 23rd, 2014 at 7:23 PM #79

    Mary – My dad was bipolar and delusional. He ended up killing himself in his late 30s when I was 13. At the time I had a restraining order against him. If he had just taken the time to get on medication and get healthy, I would have let him back into my life. I just knew I couldn’t have him in my life until he got better. But I wish he wouldn’t have killed himself. I wish he would have realized that I still loved him and got better for me instead of giving up.

  • Squat September 23rd, 2014 at 9:43 PM #80

    I’m divorced father of two beautiful girls age 8 and 5. I haven’t seen my daughters since June 2012. That’s over two years. When I try to call their mother won’t answer for Christmas nor Birthdays. I pay over $2700 a month in child support, as a result I’m homeless have lost my career and gave up custody and visitation. When you can’t feed nor clothe your children, it’s best give up. I’ve been suicidal for years as I haven’t seen pictures of my kids since 2010, nor allowed to skype with them. Alcohol now numbs my life, but not daily. I suffer sightlently, and contemplate surviving without my greatest joy in life. I’m so tired

  • KTP September 25th, 2014 at 2:31 AM #81

    My father committed suicide when I was a 14 year old girl, my brothers were 6 years old and 25 years old. I am now 24. Didn’t effect my younger brother too much, as far as I know or can tell. My mother remarried within a few years, and my stepfather thankfully was able to fill that void for my younger brother. As for myself and my older brother (who was raised by my father, but is not biological his)…. well it has been a rough road dealing with this for the past 10 years. I had a wonderful childhood. My dad was very involved and a good provider, even though he came from a very torturous home, and had a terrible terrible childhood. I believe that had a huge part in his suicide. Having a parent or a loved one commit suicide is quite possibly the hardest thing someone will have to go through in their lifetime, so for anybody that has a child, mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband, friend, etc. I beg of you to rethink it. Please seek counselling. You will never know the effect (both obvious and underlining) that taking your own life will have on your loved ones, for the REST of their life, every single day. I have gone through so many emotions through the years, lots of anger and guilt… mad at my dad for doing this to my entire family, mad at my mother for divorcing him 2 years before his suicide, mad at my mother for moving on with her love life, mad at my younger brother for not being nearly as affected as myself and older brother. 10 years later I can recognize that I never was mad at my mother, brother, step dad…… I was pissed at my father for leaving us and also very confused… I just wanted my dad back and these were the people I could easily blame. Then the anger turned into guilt. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with, simply said. Thank the Lord that I have such an outstanding mother, that kept things together for me and my brothers through the tough years after his suicide… many children that have a parent commit suicide are not so lucky, accoridng to the research I have done. After some time, I thought time was healing the wounds I had carried for so long… only to look back at it now quite differently. I believe lived most of my teenage years/early twenties allowing myself to be a victim of this tragedy. I’ve ran from wonderful men who loved me and treated me like a queen (the way my father treated my mother, my grandmother and myself) , only to chase men who lie and treated me like complete shit. I’m terrified of abandonment, not just from men but close girlfriends as well. I have an explosive temper with the people closest to me. So even though im scared of being abandoned I tend to push people aa far as theyll go, once they cant go anymore they want to leave and I beg and chase. I have never seeked counseling (besidea a short time in my teenage years, pretty soon after his suicide) but I plan to one day soon. I have still done fairly well for myself, as my two brothers have as well. I’m educated, have a good job, have had the same friends for years and years, and make new ones often. I have been in commited relationships for long periods of time. Im not defending my fuckedupness(best word) but im makong it clear that my life was not by any means totally fucked up. But yes, if my father hadnt commited suicide I strongly believe not only my relationships but my self esteem, my temper, my commuincation…. so many things would be different. Its like being apart of a secret club…. the “someone I loved committed suicide club”…. and unless youre apart of that club you will never fully understand that I mean when I say that.

  • KTP September 25th, 2014 at 2:40 AM #82

    Squat- please read my post. You inspired me to write this. I actually thank you because gmive never written my emotions in all theae years. Very therapeutic for me. I only hope my post will help you in some way as well. Be at peace my friend, live for your beautiful girls. Dont make them go through what I can guarentee they will go through. Do what you have to do, hire an attorney to get visitation rights, show up at their door every saturday for the next 5 years if thats what it takes. Dont give up on them.

  • KTP September 25th, 2014 at 2:54 AM #83

    Ms. D, Wonderfully said! Your input very much so stuck out to me. When I talk about my father commiting suicide I describe it as… being apart of a club, the “someone I love committed suicide clun” and unless you are apart of that club you will never fully understand what I mean when I say that. I describe depression the same way. Unleas you have personally experienced depression there is absolutely no way to understand it. Thank you for your input….. people need to EDUCATE THEMSELVES ON THE TOPIC OF SUICIDE BEING A SELFISH ACT! THAT IS FALSE!

  • Mickie September 25th, 2014 at 7:02 PM #84

    I stumbled across this site because I was needing help coping with the effects of my ex-husbands suicide. I saw your post and I cried. Please listen to me…. It will all be okay. You are a valuable person and your you were given is a precious gift from God. You do not understand the effects of what you are thinking.

    My story…. My ex and I divorced, he lost his job, couldn’t pay bills, starting drinking heavily and shot himself in the heart. We shared three boys together. My oldest son was the first to find his dad and tried to perform CPR, while my other two sons remained outside in the car, not knowing what had happened. I had to tell my youngest son what happened and seeing his reaction to the tragedy haunts me every single day. That happened on April 25th, 2012. My children and I are still not over it. Everyday we are left asking questions of why? Or blaming ourselves in some way. My children have nightmares and my oldest suffers from post traumatic stress. I watch my children cry to this day and live with their nightmares. Our lives are completely changed because of what he did. I feel that our lives have been turned upside down. I know in my heart it was a mistake for him. He loved his children very much, but the drinking got the best of him.

    Please listen to my advice. First, get help for your drinking. Go to an AA meeting. These are free. Next, pray, go to church, build a relationship with God. Talk to someone… A friend, family member or suicidepreventionlifeline.org. Tell someone how you feel. There are so many people who can help. That is what I believe we are here for…. To help others. Not hurt others. I promise you if you take these steps things will get better. I am begging you….don’t make the same mistake my ex did.

  • Another overwhelmed mom September 25th, 2014 at 8:18 PM #85

    I am going through the same thing. Such a sad and hopeless feeling.

  • GoodTherapyAdmin GoodTherapyAdmin September 26th, 2014 at 8:41 AM #86

    Thanks to each of you for sharing your experiences here. This ongoing dialogue is heartwarming, and we encourage you to continue talking about your experiences with mental health issues and therapy with a wider audience via the Share Your Story feature on our blog. Writing your story may be healing for you and encouraging to others. Learn more and submit a piece for review here:http://www.goodtherapy.org/submit-your-story.html

  • Becca September 26th, 2014 at 8:05 PM #87

    My mom killed herself when I was 5. Please don’t ever do it. It is such a curse on my life. She meant no harm I know but I cannot explain how deeply hurt and controlled by it. By age six, I remember holding a butter knife to my heart but not stabbing myself because I couldn’t hurt my dad and sister like she hurt us. It’s been that way ever since. I can’t have a normal relationship and have trust issues because very one I get close to moves or dies and I blame myself. I have developed disorders and fears beyond belief. I still cry myself to sleep. Before she left she took me and my sis out of schools and bought us toys and candy. And that’s what upsets me the most. She knew it would hurt. But she shoved the guilt down by trying to make us happy with stupid material things. I missed out on so much because she left. Don’t ever lie to yourself and say you can ease their pain with how you leave. Don’t ever say they are better without you. Because if you go, you burry their innocence with you. And that is somethig you can NEVER give back.

  • Amanda September 27th, 2014 at 7:10 PM #88

    I am 40 years old married with 4 kids 12-1. I have a very good professional job and a new house, what else could anyone ask for? I am miserable. I want to died ever single day. I have suffered from depression since 14. I have tried every medication and been to a dozen different therapist. I just don’t feel that anything works. I am losing hope.

  • Amanda September 27th, 2014 at 7:16 PM #89

    I constantly feel my kids would be better with out me. Whether I kill myself or runaway. Just trying to decide which.

  • GT Admin GT Admin September 28th, 2014 at 8:46 PM #90

    Thank you for your comment, Amanda. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • kelly November 5th, 2014 at 10:22 AM #91

    f this website says pray for me or get into prayer another time I think I’ll puke. What happens to those that don’t good pride for? Do you think they don’t get healed? What happens to those that get millions of prayers and don’t get healed what someone didn’t answer the millions of prayers

  • lexi November 12th, 2014 at 10:58 AM #92

    My father committed suicide when I was 6 years old, I am now 29 and lost my younger brother to suicide in December (he was just 22) You will probably never see this, I haven’t even checked when you posted your comment… I just want to say, thank you. You are the only person I’ve ever believed “gets it”

    Take good care of yourself x

  • lexi November 12th, 2014 at 11:08 AM #93

    I’m not saying suicide is the answer… I just dont think anyone can judge or berate people that must have believed there was no other way. I lost my father to suicide when I was 6 and my little brother in december (he was just 22, I am 29) The pain I feel at the loss is at times unbearable, but I ask myself, if I’m hurting this bad, how much were they hurting to take it that far.
    If you are contemplating suicide, I beg of you to seek help, be honest, give your loved ones at least a chance to help you through… Things can get better, I would give anything to tell my father and brother that. It truly is a massive cross to bear

  • jerrin koyams November 14th, 2014 at 2:56 AM #94

    My ex husband commited suicide nov. 25 2013. We had 3 young children ages 11,8,4. He never got over our divorce from 2 years ago. Im terrified my children will grow up and blame me for leaving him. Im also afraid that they may someday find out about the arguement (via text) that he and I had the night he died. We were married for almost 10 years (I am 30 now) and he was my best friend even after we divorced. I miss him like crazy…as do my kids…he was an awesome father. Im so worried about the effects this is going to have on my kids later on in life

  • MamaC November 19th, 2014 at 1:39 PM #95

    I came to this site trying to understand what might little girl would have in store for her. She is two and the only reason I am still on this earth. I love her so much. I look at her and my heart feels like it will burst with love. But, I am drowning. I have health issues, an employment situation that makes it difficult to get the care I need due to lack of paid leave. We barely make it as it is. Disconnect notice for electric bill last month and haven’t paid the bill this month. I can’t afford mymedications and the holidays are coming and I know it will be another year thaw I can’t afford presents. I cry all of the time and she tries so hsrd to hug me and comfort me. I fail her every day. She deserves so much better than me as her mother. I keep thinking, she’s two. She’ll forget me and will be okay. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m so tired of trying and never getting anywhere. I just want her to be okay. I think I will damage her more in the long run by continuing to be her mom. She’s so good and loving and I don’t want to ruin her and I know I am.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team November 19th, 2014 at 3:20 PM #96

    Hi MamaC,

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bo November 22nd, 2014 at 8:01 AM #97

    Hello all. I’m 44 years, a husband, and a father of two; a girl (11) and a boy (9). I have placed my family in a very bad financial situation, which there seems no way out of. I’m college-educated and had only one year left to finish a seminary degree to be a pastor. Now, I’m not in seminary and I just received a letter stating my student loan is in default. Several years ago, we lost our home to foreclosure and we are on the hook for $35K. I send resume after resume and still nothing. I have been depressed since I was 12 years old due to my parent’s divorce and my father leaving us. I guess I have never gotten over the rejection. I am on medication, see a biblical counselor, and was hospitalised for a week. I would go back, but we just can’t afford it. I’ve reached the point where I know the how and the where I plan to end it, but I’m not certain of the when. I’ve lost my faith almost entirely. What does one do when the hopelessness and pain of life becomes greater than the hope and love in/for life? I’ve researched and researched what affect this will have on my wife and children, but I can no longer see any other option. I can’t make a business or organisation hire me! I am saddened by the prospect of my impending suicide. I am writing and rewriting my “note” to explain the best I can. I hope it will help a little bit.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team November 22nd, 2014 at 10:25 AM #98

    Hi Bo,

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Hannah November 25th, 2014 at 5:15 AM #99

    Hi, I’m a 25 year old female, and my mother committed suicide when I was 6, she had bi-polar disorder and even though now I am very much aware that it was her mental illness that caused her to die, it doesn’t change the feelings you have of abandonment. As a result of this my relationships with other people prove to be quite difficult, I have an ingrained sense that I don’t deserve love because as a child my mothers suicide had convinced me that she didnt love me enough to stay, and now i will always feel that im not worthy of love. I had a great dad, and he remarried and I was raised in a really loving environment. To all of the parents that have come here with the idea to end your life, the little girl, the daughter in me is begging you not too. Please don’t kill yourself, seek help.

  • Anonymous November 26th, 2014 at 6:11 PM #100

    My dad killed himself when I was 13. I made it though the rest of my childhood fine but at 18 I realized I was an adult woman without a father I made poor decisions and slept with too many men who undoubtedly used me. The whole time I was just seeking love and now I am left feeling empty and like I am not worthy of real authentic love. I have a wonderful family, advanced degrees etc but this dark void of losing my dad is something that will haunt me forever.

  • P November 27th, 2014 at 8:22 AM #101

    I completely agree with lexi and the above and have continued to do the same sort of thing within relationships for the past 11 years. I am extremely lucky I have 2 beautiful sons that make life wonderful. But it is still so painful and emotional. My mum commit suicide when I was 18 and my brother 6 similar to above my brother does not seem too struggle with this we had an amazing father who it has taken 10 years to move on from my mum as he believed he could never love again after her. I know for my mum she thought it was the best option for all if she was not here due too the dark depths of depression she was in. She tried so hard too fight it but in the end it won this was not a selfish act and I would argue with anyone that it was what she thought was best. Suicide has played a large role in our family due to other family members also taking this route (my mums brother 8 years after her) but I feel
    No guilt or anger just pain it just hurts still all this time after. Suicide would never become a option for me as I’ve dealt with the aftermath for the last 11 years and I could not do that to my children I went through the motions after at first I ran away too another country for years pretending to myself that she was still at home, then I came home and struggled with actual reality an mourned and now after therapy, a close family and my children I just miss her. I have no questions or doubts I just mourn and reguarly discuss this with family and friends to try an release it. X

  • MB November 28th, 2014 at 6:41 AM #102

    I’m 36 y/o male. Father killed himself last year after a very long battle with alcoholism that eventually lead to health deterioration to the point of overwhelming pain. We begged him for years leading up to his death to get treatment but he refused.

    My sister and I suffer from ptsd, horrible nightmares and plaguing depression as a result. I can’t even maintain friendships or relationships anymore. I feel as if my emotions have been turned off.

    I have no doubt this will effect me for the rest of my life.

  • Red November 28th, 2014 at 6:13 PM #103

    Hi Bo
    Please talk with your family. I came to this site because my father killed himself when I was 12. It has been 30 years and I still struggle. I also suffer from suicidal ideation and have to remind myself of my loved ones everyday in order to not do it myself. I really hope you get the help you need and I know your family cares more about you than your circumstances. If you do hurt yourself you may be setting your children up for poor coping skills as they go through life. It is a much better lesson for them to see a parent struggle and still stay around and show unconditional love.

    I came across this site by chance so I may not know if you see this response. I can honestly say I know how you feel, but I can also let you know that my father’s suicide has left me with the thought that it is an appropriate response to bad situations. I am sure you wouldn’t want your kids to take their lives so please talk with your family. I care about you and I hope you get the support you need. Things may not get better but keep those you love close to you. All the best and God bless. I will pray for you.

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:24 PM #104

    I feel the same way

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:26 PM #105

    Pray and pray some more. Your kids would much rather have financial burden than to have their world fall apart. My kids father commited suicide. Your kids need you. There is other options.

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:27 PM #106

    All that little girl wants is her mom. There are programs to help with christmas. She needs you and you need her.

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:28 PM #107

    I understand how you feel. Sending my love.

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:29 PM #108

    I have been in your shoes and it can feel bad. Just know that this world needs you.

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:31 PM #109

    Your words were encouraging to me. My story is similar to yours and at times, especially today i feel overwhelmed with sadness. My kids will never have a dad around again and it hurts me so much.

  • gloria November 29th, 2014 at 9:36 PM #110

    Your kids need you.

  • william December 3rd, 2014 at 9:02 AM #111

    Reading most of this blog makes me realize I am not alone with my feelings of wanting to end the pain. I was diagnosed as bipolar at 30, most likely started when I was around 20 according to my Mom.

    I have had 7 serious depressions in my life, all directly to my actions while in my manic phase. When I come out of being manic I clearly see repercussions caused by me. Each time I was positive I was going to die. I am 53, in massive massive debt, awful at my job which absolutely requires perfection with complex decision making skills. My mind has caused destruction at every point of my life. At no time have I been stable or really happy.

    I am in that horrible place once again. Only this time I have an amazing 8 year old son who deserves a normal great life. I never thought I’d have kids as he was not planned, however I love him deeply.

    I have had 2 bankruptcies, 3 failed marriages, 7 other relatively long relationships, and have realized over and over my bipolar controls my actions and thoughts all the time. The pain and frightening thoughts of all actions caused by me on every level has me hopeless as anyone can possible be on earth.

    I want to end the cycle and pain. Anyone who says it’s selfish has never been in this place I’m in. Reading everyone’s posts I realize what it will do to my son and family. It will also deeply affect people I know all over the US and most countries all over the globe. And yet, severe debt, repeated depressions over 30 years, never a normal period in my life, an amazing 8 yr old son….none of that seems to me to come close to my pain.

    Until you are in others specific shoes, sometimes therapy, drugs, logic, all go out the window.

    I could write a book. But it will never change a thing. Just thought I’d add my two cents.


  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team December 3rd, 2014 at 10:07 AM #112

    Hi Will,

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:
    • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Lindsay December 22nd, 2014 at 10:41 PM #113

    Your story is very similar to mine, my husband and I had been together for nearly 15 years and on November 5th 2012 he shot himself. We have 3 kids, at the time our son had just turned 12, and our 2 girls were 8 and 4. Him and I were separated at the time of his death, the night before he killed himself we got into a huge argument, we had spent the weekend together, I took the kids and left, the next morning he was gone. Everyone has blamed me, I blame me, I’m just waiting until the kids get a little older and then I’m sure they will too. It’s been incredibly hard, I wonder if it will ever get better.

  • marissa December 22nd, 2014 at 11:35 PM #114

    my dad killed himself when i was 3. i dont really remember him at all but me and my mom got along pretty well. but now that im a little older i am feeling a lot of different feelings about it and just wondering constantly what its like to have a dad. i have a stepdad that has been in my life since i was 8 but he isnt such a nice man.

  • ryan December 23rd, 2014 at 5:10 PM #115

    Just thinking more seriously about doing it, but want to somehow insulate my kids. Wife won’t care.

  • Corey January 1st, 2015 at 7:00 PM #116

    I am 45 years old and I have a beautiful 21 year daughter that I failed horribly, now I have a wife of 15 years, an 8 year old son and a 4 year old son. I lost my business, and in turn am separated, going on three months now. Today my wife and boys are visiting and all I can think of is just ending it completely, the doctor says I’m bipolar and all that bs. Nothing really matters anymore, family wants me to go to treatment again for the 59th time, I just don’t see the point anymore. Today I’m feeling especially feel like the walking dead without the dead body. I used to think my boys wouldn’t be able to handle it, but I think they’ll be okay, I wish 8 would of done the job right when I was 14 years old, then I wouldn’t have to worry about my kids and wife and how they’ll be, just can’t do it anymore. Hope everyone else has a better outcome than mine.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team January 1st, 2015 at 10:00 PM #117

    Thank you for your comment, Corey. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • MJL January 14th, 2015 at 10:36 AM #118

    If you think all suicides are selfish acts you have never been suicidal or paranoid to the point that suicide was better than living through the brutal punishment that you believed would happen to you if you didn’t commit suicide. Yes suicide is devastating and the hopelessness that a suicidal person goes through when thinking that suicide is their only option are emotionally horrible, but you cannot judge all suicides or attempted suicides if you have not gone through what the suicidal person is going through. Every suicide is not the same just as every mental disorder is not played out the same if everyone that has the illness.

  • Aunt Robin January 14th, 2015 at 8:40 PM #119

    What about a child who’s mother took her life when he, the only child was 18 but sheltered him so much that he seems stunted at age 15. He acts like a now 19 year old in many ways but doesn’t want to work, go to school or get help. I’m his aunt and he now lives with us and our 3 children and I’m at a loss on how to help him when he won’t seek help. I cannot take him to a therapist because he’s an adult, I can’t force him to get a job…..etc.

  • Carrie January 16th, 2015 at 8:20 AM #120

    In response to #17 about the impact on children of a parent who makes unsuccessful attempts….

    It HURTS! It hurts forever to imagine the pain your parent is in. on the child it is utter turmoil… every day waking up or going to sleep wondering if today might be the day that you lose your parent because that parent may decide they dont want to be here anymore…unless of course, hopefully, someone is there to stop the act or to save that parent from/during the act of trying to commit suicide.

    It is ongoing worry to the child who has to go thru this. And for me, how can you experience ongoing worry day in and day out, without also experiencing resentment and anger as a direct result??

    My mother was suicidal all thru all of my high school years (and possibly/probably before then as well). She ended up staying on lockdown in the mental hospital at least twice for a period of time. She was literally locked down to her bed, unable to reach anything such as pencils or cutting objects, or do anything to harm herself. It was very sad to see her like this. All in the while, the main question running around my head: WHY?!? WHY WHY WHY? YOU ALMOST CHOSE TO LEAVE ME FOREVER…HOW DOES THAT LOOK TO ME ABOUT MY FUTURE IF MY OWN MOTHER KILLS HERSELF????

    It seems like there were many of her attempts that I rudely interrupted in some way. One time I broke down her bathroom door because she had plastic bags wrapped around her head with rubberbands. It became something I always worried about, that at some point I know both me and my dad began to feel like, “just do it already!” because of this ongoing agony every day not knowing but hoping that mom would not try to kill herself that day.

    Today my mom is okay. She is still alive and has gone through YEARS and YEARS of treatment but she is living her life successfully and I think happily for the most part. We have had several talks over the years about whether or not she was still at risk of suicidal behaviors. And she has promised me that she is okay now. I think I believe her for the most part.

    As for me, I hate to say this and I feel guilty when doing so, but I hate my mom for implanting in me a permanent sense of distrust and worrying that I almost always feel in every event for all aspects of my life. I can not definitely blame my mom as being responsible for tainting my feelings, but her actions did make a deep dark impact on my soul.

    My best friend/man I wanted to marry and have kids with one day also attempted on many times to commit suicide (is that ironic or coincidental or just me?). Sadly, my best friend was successful and he killed himself about a month before he turned 21. I was 15 days older than him and I had already turned 21. Now I am almost 40, and still not a day goes by without his memory causing pain to my heart and tears to my eyes…I hate him for leaving me. I loved him so much.

  • Tad January 18th, 2015 at 2:16 PM #121

    I too have a terrible fear of abandonment. My wife has been threatening me with divorce for years for all kinds of issues. Now that she’s finally filed, I am devastated. I figured it was coming eventually, but eventually always seems to be another day. I want to run away, but in doing so, I’d be abandoning my son. Instead I flirt with hanging myself.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team January 18th, 2015 at 5:49 PM #122

    Thank you for your comment, Tad. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Lamar C. January 21st, 2015 at 7:57 PM #123

    Noone in my family has committed suicide but ive been in a financial strain for 15 years and there is no hope and now suicide has become the only option
    I love my kids but if I can’t support myself how can I support them ive tried to commit suicide on 2 different occasions being depressed and im getting bolder wit my attempts im scared for myself and children and the people tbat love me I just dont kno what to do anymore

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team January 21st, 2015 at 8:07 PM #124

    Thank you for your comment, Lamar. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • carrie January 22nd, 2015 at 8:16 AM #125

    How is your comment relevant to the topic of this thread???

    Really? ??

  • carrie January 22nd, 2015 at 8:35 AM #126

    Hi scott. I’m sorry to hear about the situation you are in and the pain you are feeling and the loneliness you are experiencing… it must be very very very hard for you to feel this way every day.

    I’m just wondering if you have ever shared any of these feelings with your daughters? do they even realize this is the way you feel?

  • I will always be your mother January 29th, 2015 at 8:43 AM #127

    My daughter took her life this month. My heart aches. Her husband misses her beyond words. She left 2 children that I’m very concerned about. They said she was bipolar I didn’t get it.She said she couldn’t stop the thoughts.She wasn’t selfish she was a wonderful mom and loved her kids so much.I’m not angry with her I just hurt so much and want to help her husband and very young children.Please don’t be negative to me or her by sorrow is so raw.

  • mikayla February 6th, 2015 at 3:38 PM #128

    I believe this study is very true I was 3 years old when my father took his own life but I did not know until I was 15 how he died. The first time I attempted suicide I was 8 and I was putting the dishes away when I realized all I had to do was slash my wrist and then I would be with my dad again. It is an aweful thing to grow up with only one parent and I honestly think emotionally I would be a lot better if we talked about it growing up but my father was a forbidden topic.

  • Lilly February 9th, 2015 at 8:07 AM #129

    Ryan, I feel the same way, want to shelter my kids from it but husband would be better off. Maybe I’m bipolar, everything is a disorder these days .

  • carrie February 9th, 2015 at 11:06 AM #130

    Thank you KTP- for sharing your story.

    What you wrote sounded very similar to the ways that I have played out my life and the types of relationships/men I repeatedly get involved with.

    I am terribly sorry about your father taking his own life. I always worry in the back of my mind about the people I care about most, either dying (from disease or in an accident) or by them committing suicide.

    My fear of abandonment drives me to act and behave in ways just as you have described-extremely quick temper, pushing those closest to me farthest away, while instead feeling much more comfortable with people who treat me shitty and whom I am not afraid to lose. It is almost as if I pick peoole who treat me like shit because it helps minimalize the ongoing pain felt from losing someone to suicide. Getting treated with no respect feels almost good since it is is less painful than losing a loved one to suicide, but similar in terms of the level of internalized damage and sensevof worthiness caused by ongoing mistreatment and emotional abuse.

    Having bad relationships Is like a safety blanket (or addiction), protecting me from ever having to experience those feelings of loss/grief/pain should the person I am involved with ever leave, die, or commit suicide….because I never truly loved or cared for that person anyways.

    It’s like I go through life knowing there is (or at least there was) a happy, loving and positive person inside of me, but never being able to show that side of me anymore.

    It’s weird trying to put into words how I feel or what I am want to say….I think you understand. Thanks for showing me that I am not the only one feeling the way I do & acting the ways I have (and still continue to do unfortunately).

  • lexi February 9th, 2015 at 12:42 PM #131

    This sounds a lot like me when I was younger, my dad committed suicide when I was 6 and I went through a terrible phase with men right through my teens. I am now married to a wonderful man and I have 3 beautiful daughters… Never lose faith in yourself, you live, you learn and you never know what happiness feels like til its right in front of you.. and going through dark times makes you appreciate happiness so much more. Take care.

  • josh February 12th, 2015 at 2:47 AM #132

    Thank you

  • josh February 12th, 2015 at 2:51 AM #133

    It’s true. Death is just the only way to make it stop it sometimes seems. Like a loud noise that never stops and only keeps getting louder and louder and louder. Suicide is just surrendering, not a goal…

  • Leah February 18th, 2015 at 1:03 PM #134

    Hi Mikayla,

    I just read your response and wanted to know if you have been able to deal with your father’s suicide and heal? Our stories are quite similar, my father committed suicide when I was 2 yrs. old and I’ve never fully dealt with his death. I struggle with this and I know this holds me back in life. I am looking for ways to deal with his suicide, grieve for him, and eventually be able to heal. I would greatly appreciate any advice that you may have. Thank you for your time.

  • Bart February 21st, 2015 at 5:02 AM #135

    I am soon to be 34 and have a wife and a amazing little boy yet there are days I feel like I m drowning in despair. I have been fighting suicidal ideas for the past few months and I do not know how long I can resist

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team February 21st, 2015 at 11:52 AM #136

    Thank you for your comment, Bart. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bart February 21st, 2015 at 4:42 PM #137

    I have reached for help in my area I feel like its going to be a long and hard road but I have to give it a shot for me as well as my family I will take some comfort places like these exist on the net

  • monroe February 23rd, 2015 at 7:25 PM #138

    I know what your daughter felt. I’m telling you for a fact that it’s like this inescapable and inevitable beast that follows you around. I love God, I love my savior, I have a good job that pays more than you can imagine. A loving wife and a daughter that melts my heart. I have tried hotlines, websites, a large amount of prayer and scripture, different kinds of meds but the feeling that everything… And I mean everything is overwhelming will not escape me.

    The sad part is I don’t think my wife really believes me, but I don’t bother giving her details. I don’t want to do it but like right now for example I can only see bad things. I was laying near my adorable daughter’s crib hoding her hand while she jibberishes at me and it’s so cute. But it doesn’t make me want to live it makes me feel so tremendously sad and dark knowing the impact it will have on such an innocent soul.

    It’s just that feeling that I cannot do anything right. I’m always wrong at work, good luck winning even the most basic conversation with my wife. I know I’m just a complete piece of crap and even things like my daughter and prayer and those things just add to the guilt. I have up trying to describe it to people but i am not kidding it is a demonic entity begging and convincing you at all times that you are worthless and everyone is better with you dead.

    I can hold out as long as I can but I know nobody can help me. If the Lord doesn’t free me from this demon soon it will be over… I know I can’t win alone. I know exactly how she felt and I’m so sorry you were left to deal with the remnants. the absolute pain of wanting to die even when life is great to you makes it so much harder to bear. To live knowing the only thing wrong with your life is your brain, and there is one way out is the most painful thing to understand and once you accept it into you there is no removing it. I just pray the Lord accepts me still because I don’t know if he will and I don’t know if I can live much longer with this monster in me.

  • Monroe February 23rd, 2015 at 7:53 PM #139

    so many people quick to judge without knowing anything about mental illness. If you really think all these people were simply “going through something” you don’t know what you’re talking about. I get it you’re angry and it’s important for your recovery to call it pathetic assuming they took an easy way out. Just know that anyone who actually has felt the grips of that very real feeling would never word it that way. Before you argue saying you know how it feels blahblahblah, if you’re saying that then you absolutely do not know how it feels.

    Your dad didn’t kill himself because of you, but trust me in his mind he did think of you and thought he was doing the best thing. He was not pathetic or selfish… He was not in his right mind and was consumed.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team February 24th, 2015 at 10:18 AM #140

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Monique February 25th, 2015 at 9:06 PM #141

    My father fell into depression after a bad financial decision. He could not get his faith in himself and his life back. Suicide may have been his soul plan, but it has been incredibly hard on my mother, who is only now truly moving on (after 40 years!). She was left w my brother and me when we were 4 and 2YO, but even worse she was heartbroken. He was the love of her life and she blamed herself for not being able to hold onto him.

    If you feel you MUST commit suicide, why not look for a manner in which your potential death will save another’s life. Stop to help strangers in need. Defend someone being mugged, harrassed or abused. Offer low/no-income public-housing persons rides when they need ‘em.

    You may leave this world, as you wish. You may find you have 9 lives. Or you may find meaning and value from taking these chances and decide you want to live afterall.

    I deal w anxiety and depressive episodes, and I find that it is reaching out to others that helps me stay centered.

  • Monique February 27th, 2015 at 7:42 AM #142

    I’m 34, and on March 1st it will be the one year anniversary of my father’s suicide. It blindsided all of us. My mother (his wife of 33 years), my brother, and I are all crushed. In the past year, I have driven away my family, my friends, and nearly my husband. Some would think after a year we would be better. I find that we are all much worse.

  • Bradley March 3rd, 2015 at 4:26 PM #143

    My uncle just killed himself today and i have been up all night looking at these websites. He left behing 5 kids and a wife you do not know how much pain yhat causes jus sit back and think of ehat you do have i know its a hard subject to talk about because u can not explain the thoughts ur havibg in words but it is bot worth it. It has left our whole family heart broken. He jumped off a bridge and drowned i can not stop thi king about what he was thi king and why he did it. Just talk to some one it will help

  • Anonymous March 8th, 2015 at 1:24 PM #144

    Thank You!

  • Della March 10th, 2015 at 7:49 PM #145

    Thank you for sharing your success. I have lived through a decade of bad decisions, and have now found some peace. Bless you for sharing your story.

  • bluerthanblue March 20th, 2015 at 3:49 AM #146

    Oh I am so appalled at the all the expert opinions condemning parent suicide. It is so apparently clear that you have only ever been on the other end – the receiving end and I grieve for you but never ending feeling of worthlessness, unable to look in the mirror, devoid of any hope, knowing deep down in your heart of hearts your children would be freer and happier without you that’s not selfish that’s the ultimate sacrifice. Don’t judge until you’ve been that low and unable to claw back up. We need understanding not judgement – please. We beat ourselves up all day everyday we don’t need any help.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team March 20th, 2015 at 9:19 AM #147

    Thank you for your comment, bluerthanblue. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • monica March 20th, 2015 at 9:35 PM #148

    Please don’t! Talk to a support group! I am a 25 year old daughter of suicide. My father was your age and I was 6 when he killed himself. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes wondering why he chose to leave me. It has led to great self esteem and anxiety obstacles I have had to overcome in my life. You may not feel it, but your presence is the greatest gift you can give to your child in life.

  • monica March 20th, 2015 at 9:50 PM #149

    please don’t choose to leave your daughter. It will haunt her for the rest of her life. It has been haunting me for 19 years. I cry weekly. Things will evolve and get better with time and support.

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