Helping Adult Children With Parental Alienation Syndrome
March 29th, 2012
When parents use children as pawns in their divorce, the psychological consequences can be devastating. Parental alienation (PA) is the act of deliberately alienating a child from a targeted parent (TP) by an alienating parent (AP) and can cause a psychological condition referred to as parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Although this term is relatively new, the damage this type of behavior inflicts is not. When one parent denies a child access to the TP, the child struggles with feelings of hatred and fear towards the TP. These children often live in an environment riddled with malicious and derogatory remarks about the TP, and as they age, maintain guilt over harboring these feelings toward their parent.
Research on children of divorce has shown that this pattern of behavior can cause children to have social impairments that negatively impact their quality of life as adults. But until now, no study has looked specifically at PAS and its effect on key factors of development. To address this issue, Naomi Ben-Ami of Yeshiva University in New York evaluated 118 adult children of divorce and compared the children who experienced PAS to those who did not. She assessed several areas of social and psychological well-being, including depression, trust, self-hatred/esteem, anger, guilt, marital status, and achievement and identity problems.
Ben-Ami found that the PA participants had substantially lower levels of achievement than the non-PA group, which was demonstrated by fewer college degrees, less overall employment, lower college enrollment, and more economic hardship. They also exhibited attachment issues, impaired relationships, and decreased self-esteem, possibly as a result of the lack of attention they received from their APs. The controlling behavior of an AP was also shown to increase feelings of anger and guilt in the PA participants. These emotions, coupled with diminished self-sufficiency, elevated the risk for depression in the children who were exposed to PAS. Ben-Ami believes these findings support previous research that shows the destructive and long-term consequences that a child must bear when he or she becomes entangled in a parent’s highly fueled emotions arising from a divorce or separation. This type of evidence, if made available to parents and involved psychological and legal experts, could help prevent this type of activity and maintain the integrity of relationships, present and future. Ben-Ami added, “Ideally, the trajectory can be interrupted successfully to allow children to maintain healthy relationships with both parents, to be loved by them and loving with them.”
Reference:
Ben-Ami, N., Baker, A. J. L. The long-term correlates of childhood exposure to parental alienation on adult self-sufficiency and well-being. American Journal of Family Therapy 40.2 (2012): 169-83.
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Comments
Divorce affects children in a myriad of ways. Sometimes it can be for the best though. It is not right to deny a child access to a parent who has done nothing wrong except file for divorce in a marriage situation that he or she was not happy with. Why should they be punished? And then I know a lot of couples who then go around villifying one another, and of course children are going to be made to feel like they have to choose sides in order to maintain peace with them. It can be a very sad situation when allowed to be ahndled like this. There is no reason hy two grown adults should not be able to work out something more amicable so that the kids don’t have to suffer as much as they often do.
Sorry, but I kind of take the hard line here. I know divorce is hard, it’s not easy on anyone involved. But these are adults. Don’t you think it is time to leave the past behind you and get on with life? We all had tough things happen to us growing up, but that does not mean I am going to let that determine who I am forever. Sometimes you just have to be willing to let it go and stop having a big pity party for yourself.
Horrible of the people who do this to their kids. Why bring your hatred towards your former spouse in between him/her and the kids?? Play clean, divorce can be a painless thing too, you don have to make it full of conspiracy!
Donald- you say for them to just get over it but it is obvious that you never experienced this in your own family, otherwise you would have a little more of an understanding about what it meant to be pulled from parent to parent and to still feel that way as an adult. As a child you should not be made to feel like you have to choose or that one parent is the enemy but unfortunately there are many children of divorce who are made to feel exactly that way. So not only does this cloud their judgement as to how they should act around one parent or the other, it also skews their own adult relationships as they were never provided with appropriate role models for a mature relationship of their own when they got older.
This is very important work and needs to be continued, broadened and widely distributed. There are comments on this page that help the reader understand why this is necessary.
My parents got divorced when I was 15, and it felt like a tug of war between them ALL THE TIME and I was in the middle. Please, be adults in this situation if you are going through it. Do it for your kids.
The relationships that we create with our parents as a child are a clear indication of the types of relationships that we will be able to forge in our own lives as we become adults.
If there is no stability in our lives that we can find as a child, then how are we expected to have this in our own adult lives, and thereby how can we ensure that our own children will receive the same?
I really hate to see cycles like these become a constant, but it is true that once the wheel starts turning it is hard to find another direction for it to turn.
I am saying all of this as an adult child of divorce, and one who then had the same thing happen when my husband and I split. I wanted it to all be a better and healthier experience than what I had grwoing up, but I guess I did not know any different and somehow it all feels the same.
As a father, I can tell you Courts in California do not fully accept this concept. Judges act on things they can see. The Superior Court of Solano County hires experts that are older women and I have found that many consider this topic to be a theory. They have not read up on the topic. The Court directs that families be examine for child support and physical violence. This stuff is not on the radar. I tried to bring it up in Court and the Judge said I don’t know what to do–This was after the Court’s expert testified she knew nothing about this topic. I express only anger on blogs that the system is so screwed up that whether you give this stuff a name or not, it happens and is forbidden by Court orders in California–but Judges do not act bad mouthing….it needs to be physical violence or not paying child support. The anger on the blogs represents my anger as well as what other fathers have had to say.
Stealing a child’s heart and soul is the worst form of child abuse. The spiteful parent who alienates the child from the loving parent – cares not in the least for the child. The child is used as a pawn to seek revenge. The long term effects are devastating. Ask me how I know.
I have experienced this in my family. My ex has spent years that I was not aware of making very negative remarks about me to the children which basically told him I was not a good mom or wife. He has been successful in even turning friends of ours at church against me. He will pretend to cry and act as if he has been hurt when he is the one who has done all of the hurt (physical abuse to me, cheating and lying). Now my 2 grown children will have nothing to do with me. He was never there for them growning up. I was always with them including teaching at the school they attended and was at all their games (he was not). I don’t know how to get them back in my life but I will never give up as long as I am alive.
Here is a message of hope for TP’s. I divorced when my children were 6 and 9. My ex-spouse has NPD, actively alienated me and successfully separated me from my youngest, a son, (while vilifying my daughter, for not totally rejecting me), when my son was 12. For years, I had no regular visitation with my son, ( my daughter was with me) courts would not intervene or enforce, and any interaction whatsoever with my ex just made things worse. I still went to any public function (scouts, school), just so he would see me there, I volunteered at his school, attended his sports and scouts events, met his teachers, said a simple “hello” to him when I could, and asked how he was, told him I loved him, was proud of him. Sometimes all I could do was be a loving and supportive presence in a room, and I had to do so with his father standing right there, angry and purple by his side. I treasured any little visit with the three of us (with sister) even if it was interrupted by Dad’s constant and continual phone calls. The part that ultimately saved my relationship with my son was never completely giving up, always being around and available and always showing him and the people around him, ( teachers, neighbors, friends) a kind and unconditionally loving energy, (never clingy, needy, or angry, and even if I was all torn-up inside). He is now nineteen, still lives with his dad, and we still have to maintain a low-key relationship, as he still gets actively punished, if he spends much time with me. But he does love me, tells me so, and he finally gave me a Mothers Day card, in which he wrote “Thanks for always being there.” He also gets along well with his sister. When he was younger, he ignored me, he hurt my feelings, he resented my presence when it caused him problems with his dad, I despaired often, but some part of him noticed I was there, and that I loved him. It was excruciatingly painful for me, but the critical message got through to him, thank goodness. Hopefully, as he grows up, things will continue to get better.
On April 12, 2012, we posted a message regarding Parental Alienation and it’s devastating effects. It is with great sadness that we write to say that our 22 year old son, William Tyler Huber, died tragically on August 23, 2012. William was alientated from us, by his dad. Although we had a relationship with William, it was clear he was never able to break free from the emotional clutches of his dad. William was made to feel guilty for loving us. No child – no matter their age – should be forced to choose which parent to love. William’s dad obviously never knew the meaning of love – because he could never have hurt William the way he did, if he truly loved him. We love and miss William, dearly. Jennifer and Jimmy Fry
I know it’s been 8 months since you posted this, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for letting the world know that you are one that knows. I know much too well myself and hope to do something someday to help the world gain an understanding on a broader plane. You aren’t alone either and your willingness to speak up did not go unappreciated tonight.
Brandy
Amen!
And I second your opinion.
You haven’t a clue!
Yes, we are adults; however, just consider this: from age 5-30 I lived one reality that was a complete falsehood and because of that, still today at 37, well-educated healthcare provider with 4 of my own children, I don’t know how to get back 25 years I lost with my father and had to walk away from my manipulative, alienating mother. One does not simply get over it when the very core of your foundation is shaken upon the realization that you lost a living family member, a parent for Hell’s sake, simply because the other one was selfish and manipulative.
Shame on you if you lack the ability or desire to rethink your position here.
Ive been divorced for 10 years. My ex has never stopped manipulating my daughters and did a very terrible thing to my son. When my oldest daughter was 10 he decided to tell them I had just left and took them so he couldn’t see them anymore. I didn’t know this for 3 years and had been wondering why my children were angry with me all the time and eventually started to not want to be around me or my family. My ex was the one who had an affair walked out and moved in with another woman. We are still going through this awful antagonistic situation and it’s hard but I am going to bring light to this syndrome. My children are text book cases and I’ve documented everything. He went so far as to accuse my son at the age of nine of molesting the girls who were 4&2. My son is now 19 and I still have not told him. If anyone has any advice for me please feel free.
My Mother invoved me in the preocess of leaving my father we packed everything quickily jumped on an areoplane and left the country to another on the oppisite side of the world when i was 12 years old.
My mother made up lies and told these to me about my father e.g she said my brother who had allready ;eft home had boiling water poured over him from my dad and that he held pillows over our faces as children to stop us from crying when he was sleepy. my father found our telephone number as he managed to contact one of my mothers relatives who provided him with the contact number and this i was put in th emiddle with my father calling crying or enraged that my mother had gone and my mother throwing me the phone and saying talk to your father after she had wound him up and i would be made to say im sorry dad mum doesnt want to speak with you. at age 17 i went to see my father and stayed with him a short while. I only realised this year how damaging my mother was to me andthat it wasnt just a strange divorce it was actually abduction. My life has been complicated i can never settle anywhere for long e.g ive now in my thirties and have lived in over 52 places 4 continents for longer than two month periods. life has been a little tricky really i have such deep anger at my parents now i choose to live in a complete seperate country and try to see them only once every few years the longer the better.
This article is very frustrating because like almost everything I read, it just states the problem which we already know!! but has no advice on what to do! With grown children, it is no longer possible to attend sporting events etc. especially when they live far away. My son has told me in the past that he doesn’t open my letters. He never emails me back and I have to assume he deletes them without reading. My only connection to him is through his siblings. I can only hope that he can see that his younger brother and sister have a great relationship with me and that I have raised them to be good people. His father really did a number on him starting when he was only 13. He is now 26 and still wants nothing to do with me. I have tried and tried over the years to no avail. To say it has been painful is a huge understatement.
Dear Cherie,
I understand the pain you are going thru. There is nothing you can do that will get your sons attention. I’m sorry to tell you. Your son is just as unhealthy as the other parent. I beleive that therapy might be helpful, altho they will fight tooth and nail no to take part. I too have a similar situation and it was also when my daughter was 13, she’s now 26 and still will not speak to me. Her siblings don’t understand and can’t help. It breaks our hearts. I beleive it’s all too painful for the child and or young adult to deal with and they are still dependant upon their abuser.
I just have trouble understanding how a non-custodial parent who deserted their children has the right to complain about parental alienation. I feel that if one had better things to do than to love and nuture the most precious gift on every has,one’s children, there might be a just cause for parental alienation. Stop your whining! You got what you deserve!
Maggie,
Do the children get what they deserve?
Wake-up Maggie
I have seen so many situations where children have one parent who puts the other down and it’s usually the one who the child lives with who is doing the dirty work. I think a lot of parents don’t understand the true impact on their child and sadly, some of them just don’t care because they are seeking revenge and use the children to hurt the other parent. They hate the child’s other parent and genuinely feel that their child needs to know the ‘facts’ and reject the ‘other’ parent. The devastating effect it has on the child’s psychological well-being is heart breaking and it can lead to drug abuse, alcohol abuse and suicide when these children grow up. If a child is half Dad and half Mom, then they see themselves as half good and half bad, right? Seeing one parent as ‘bad’ makes them feel bad inside. They self medicate to dull the pain caused by the alienating parent. They often feel guilty for ‘hating’ the once loved parent.
Children caught up in divorce and separation often blame themselves and crave a peaceful home life so they try to be ‘good’ often by taking the side of the parent with whom they spend the most time, the custodial parent. The custodial parent usually is the one alienating the child if it is happening. The damage caused by encouraging a child to reject one parent can last a lifetime. Children need to have a good opinion of both parents and to see their parents have a ‘working relationship’ based on THEIR needs to enable them to grow up with sound mental health. It is a crime to kill off a loving parent simply because you hold a grudge and can’t get past your own selfishness.
Oddly enough, the children of abusive parents rarely ever go against them because they are afraid of getting treated badly themselves. The children stand by the abusive parent and reject the nice parent. The nice parent gets abuse from the children, extended family and even people who don’t even know them. An abuser infects everyone.
I feel very contempt for abusive parents who are so self centered they sacrifice their children to punish the other parent. I feel truly sorry for the children and target parents who long to be together in a loving and valued relationship but cannot find peace. I hope all alienated children see the light and see the abusive alienating parent for what they really are. No child deserves to be used and abused.
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