By Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC

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Many people confuse the feelings involved in attraction or relationship addiction with the feelings involved in love. Attraction is the first part of growing toward a love relationship. I use the phrase “growing toward love” because the idea that any one “falls in love” is a fallacy. Although attraction is an important part of a relationship, it is just the beginning and cannot carry a relationship for a long time. We all change with time. Part of attraction is the adrenaline rush many confuse with love. That adrenaline rush can be addictive. A lasting relationship cannot be based on physical attraction or addiction to an adrenaline rush.

Our highly commercialized, capitalistic society has romanticized attraction to an extreme. When we believe the messages in “their” music, tv shows, movies and more, “their” income increases. “They” are opportunistically trying to make money, whereas many (naively, sadly), believe “them.” Yes, we know that, but are we always conscious of how much we believe their psychological sales pitches and how deeply it affects us? Self awareness grows with practice.

Relationship addiction can easily be confused with love. A person can be addicted to another without knowing it. A persons lack of self-awareness and self-understanding often results in denial their thoughts, feeling and behaviors. This can be misleading and confusing for the recipient of the addictive relationship behaviors. A few warning signs include; Read the rest of this entry

By Tom Badzey, M.A., MFTI

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As a therapist who offers counseling for teens and their families, I’ve become aware of some of the biggest issues facing young people today. While depression and anxiety remain two of the major reasons why parents seek my help, often these are not the first issues that drive them to consult a therapist about their child. Usually, it’s one of the “Big 3” teen issues of our day – Sex, Drugs and Body Image issues (which includes eating disorders and steroid use).

Understanding the Adolescent Brain
Adolescence seems to be a time when these 3 issues surface more commonly than at other ages. That is not by accident. From what we now know about the developing brain – and what we are continuing to discover – dramatic changes occur during adolescence. These changes include forming a sense of identity, acquiring the ability to think critically, testing judgments about risk and reward, conceptualizing the world in abstract ways and forming lasting social relationships, among others.

These are all critical skills that will prepare young people to become independent and autonomous adult individuals. However, these changes – and the rapid, sometimes “herky, jerky” pace at which they happen – also leave many teens vulnerable to the lure of unhealthy sexual activity, dangerous abuse of alcohol and other drugs, frightening problems with food and eating, as well as the use of steroids and other “body enhancers.”

Often, teens are expected (by both adults and their peers) to be able to handle life’s unpredictable events as an adult would, even though they have yet to fully master the skills necessary to do so. Therefore, when stressful, traumatic or depressing events occur – sometimes exacerbated by high performance expectations in school or athletics, physical or sexual abuse, loss of a loved one, problems with romantic relationships, etc. – teens often find the attraction of sex, drugs, steroids and other behaviors too good to ignore. Read the rest of this entry

Click here to contact Suzanne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“We never have sex anymore.” “He wants it all the time.” “I think my wife is seeing someone.” These are some of the common opening lines I hear from couples who have landed in my consultation office. Certainly, sex is not the most important component of a happy and healthy marriage. Yet it remains one of the primary signs of an unhappy or failing marriage. Some of the most common problems in the bedroom include infrequent or absent sex, extramarital affairs and addictive cybersex. The presence of any of these will, over time erode the foundation of even the strongest marriage.

A recent study indicates that 15% to 20% of marriages are “loveless” meaning that the couples have sexual intercourse less than 10 times per year. This occurs in recently wed couples nearly as often as in long-term partners. Many of these couples are anxious and reluctant to address the lack of sexual activity or to explore ways to build greater interest and excitement into their sex life. They are likely to rely on vague clichés such as “there’s no chemistry between us” or “we’re both just too tired.” These couples often make tremendous and rapid changes in therapy as they uncover ways to Read the rest of this entry

By Ellen Schecter, Ph.D.

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Once upon a time, there was a certain clarity in the world of sexuality. Regardless of whether one believed a homosexual orientation was innate or a matter of choice, the sexual orientations were easily and clearly defined: Those who were attracted to, and had sex with, people of the opposite gender were heterosexual (straight), while homosexuals (gays and lesbians) were attracted to, and had sex with, people of the same gender. You knew who was who by the gender of the sexual partner.

As time went on, the waters became muddied a bit by acknowledgment of bisexuals and their ability to be attracted to, and have sex with, people of either gender. Initially, they were seen as immature or confused, either closeted gay people or curious straight people. But eventually we got our heads around bisexuality and, for the most part, accepted that it was a real sexual orientation, just like gay/lesbian and straight. Read the rest of this entry

By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Shantal’s relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre’s face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. She braced herself for the complaints he had stored up during her absence at a work conference. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. She said she was tired after her trip and wasn’t in the mood for sex. Andre let out a big sigh. He had been looking forward to making love with his wife. He had hoped that a few days apart would make her want him again. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage. That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn’t want to cheat, and he couldn’t tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Dennis Thoennes, Ph.D., ABPP

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It is customary for a therapist to facilitate a client’s thinking and feeling “outside the box”, to “wake up and smell the coffee”. Therapists want to assist clients to release the constraints of what is “customary” or “normal” for them and explore the world of thoughts and feelings that have been taboo or off limits. The other end of the spectrum is also, sometimes, the therapeutic focus i.e. learning to self regulate and develop the skills for expressing feelings such as anger in socially appropriate, non-abusive ways. Certainly there are clients who need such therapeutic assistance.

I remember a colleague commenting “I make it very clear to each and every one of my clients that I will not be sexual with them and that my office is not a place for expressing rage and anger.” Sometimes, in some situations, for some clients such clear and definite boundaries are appropriate or necessary.

Years ago I had a television set with rabbit ears for an antenna. The signal was often blurred and I would get headaches as my eyes tried to reconcile the blurred images. It often is the distress of blurred boundaries and tangled experiences that brings people to therapy.

Some states credentialing requirements or guidelines or those of some professional groups may require a therapist to include in his or her office policy very clear language about, for example, sexual boundaries. Heeding such directives or advice may be legally necessary and professionally appropriate. In the intricacies and dynamic processes of the therapy session what was printed in an office policy is likely to fade out of awareness for the client. If a therapist recognizes that a client is having romantic or sexual feelings for the therapist it would not be appropriate for the therapist to kindle the client’s affections for the therapist. In the interest of properly tending professional boundaries, throwing the proverbial bucket of cold water on the client may be “safe” but counter therapeutic. Read the rest of this entry

By Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC

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I knew, several months ago, that I would write about April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Nevertheless, after the short amount of time that it took to write it, the original article sits, alone in my office trashcan, tossed aside. The cold hard facts about sexual assault, the statistics, they all had their place. They cried out like an overwhelmingly loud and obnoxious alarm clock, desperately trying to wake you as you slumber peacefully. But you see, statistics always do. Numbers always do. Facts always do. We hear them every day and yet, they are not heard. Ironically, just like the voice of many victims of sexual assault, their cries go unanswered. So, I rewrote it.

Sure, you may know that every 35 seconds, a child is reported to be abused or neglected (NCVC, 2008). You may even know that 1 of out 6 women and 1 out of 33 men have experienced a completed or attempted rape (RAINN, 2008). But the difference is that you don’t know statistics. You just know people. You would truly know, and you could feel that statistic, if it was your child, your friend, your sister, your brother, your father, your mother, or you who were assaulted.

I struggled with this writing because sexual assault and abuse is tough to write about. Like the analogy a friend recently told me, it’s like being the town crier. You have a difficult announcement to make, to call out, but the message is ugly, painful, and shocking. Let’s face it. Who really wants to hear that their family and friends are more likely to abuse their child than strangers? Who really wants to acknowledge that you are more likely to be raped by someone you already know? But, someone does want you to hear it, and those are the people who already know. Read the rest of this entry

by Rhoda J. Lipscomb, MSC, DAACS

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Recently it has become more commonplace to have clients come into my office and state that they have a sex addiction. Often when asked how this was diagnosed they respond that their spouse or other family member told them or they read a book and self-diagnosed. Sometimes when examined more closely, the client does not have a sexual problem at all, just a higher than average sex drive well as living in a sex negative environment.

Many sexologists are beginning to speak out about the attitude that promotes the current level of misunderstanding about problematic sexual behavior. Many practitioners would condone a client who watched 3 hours of reality shows on prime time as normal, while someone who views an hour or two of porn on the internet as an addict. Could both people be spending their leisure time more productively? Absolutely, however if both are able to be productive in their jobs and relationships, then why would some view the latter as problematic?

No one denies that sex, like many other things, can become compulsive, problematic behavior. As some would say, sex is like Jell-O in the refrigerator, it takes on the flavor of whatever you put with it. Sex can be sacred, loving, kind, healing and fun if that is the focus. It can also be hurtful, coercive, demeaning, or wounding. Read the rest of this entry

written by Chris Reynolds, MS, LPC

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Sex therapy is simply therapy that specifically addresses sexual problems. A sex therapist can be considered a specialist in the general field of therapy in the same way that a urologist is considered a specialist in the general field of medicine. Though the practice of sex therapy varies widely, most of these specialists have the following in common.

Sex therapy is typically a short term (6 to 15 weeks) solution focused intervention. Solution focused means that there are concrete goals with which to gauge progress, that there is a conscious utilization of client’s strengths, and that homework assignments are utilized to encourage active steps toward one’s goals.

While more general relationship issues are an integral part of sex therapy, they are not the primary issue. Sex therapists treat the sexual problem directly as opposed to assuming that if a couple resolves their other relationship issues, their sexual functioning will eventually improve. Since relationship issues are an integral part of sex therapy, and often one of the dynamics that perpetuates the sexual problem, couples who meet their goals in sex therapy invariably improve functioning in other areas of their relationship as well. When relationship issues are the primary problem (difficulty negotiating conflict, difficulty negotiating value systems, difference in attachment styles, etc.), then more traditional couples therapy is more appropriate. Read the rest of this entry