Last week was officially Brain Awareness Week. Yes, the brain—the organ that basically governs all of our body processes—is officially honored for one week in March every year by The Dana Foundation, a New York City-based organization dedicated to advancing brain research and public education.

This only adds to the timeliness of GoodTherapy.org’s recent chat with one of our upcoming continuing education presenters, Dr. John B. Arden. Arden is the director of Kaiser Permanente’s mental health training programs in Northern California and author of a number of books on neuroscience, psychotherapy, mindfulness, and how they work together in our everyday lives. His latest title, The Brain Bible: How to Stay Vital, Productive, and Happy for a Lifetime, offers a scientifically backed examination of simple steps we can all take to nurture optimum cognitive functioning and maintain overall brain health.

Dr. Arden will be presenting on “Neuropsychology: A Brain-Based Therapy” in a GoodTherapy.org web conference in May 2014.

GoodTherapy.org (GT): Can you explain to me what you mean by “brain-based therapy” and where the idea for it originated?

[fat_widget_right]Dr. John B. Arden: Everybody thinks they have the best type of therapy. So my job has been to sift through a lot of theory and try to get to the science, so that my training programs can operate at the cutting edge of what’s going on… and integrate all these seemingly disconnected theories and scientific domains into one robust vision of providing humanized services for people who want to see us [therapists].

The words “brain-based” need not be thought of at all as another one of these clubs; … but rather, okay, … since we all have a brain, every one of these psychotherapies and theories ought to relate in some way to the brain .… In the long run, brain-based therapy is the common denominator vision of the future, and it’s not just my idea.

GT: Your most recent book, The Brain Bible, discusses “how to stay vital, productive, and happy for a lifetime.” What is the brain’s role in nurturing vitality, productivity, and happiness?

Dr. Arden: We know now that if you want to be healthier—not pick up the latest virus that’s floating around, not suffer from dementia later in life, not suffer from anxiety and depression—and in general, be happier, there are a number of characteristics that have been identified by many scientists over the past 30 or 40 years.

What I try to do in The Brain Bible is take the most important five that have consistently come up as a focus of inquiry and have a robust body of scientific literature backing them as the healthy behaviors for living with greater pleasure, less depression, less anxiety, and less chance of getting dementia later in life. …

And these five factors are incorporated in the mnemonic SEEDS; if you’re planting SEEDS now, and you cultivate them throughout your lifetime, chances are you’re going to feel a whole lot better about yourself and about everybody around you; people are going to want to be around you, you’re going to be ill less often, and you’re going to get dementia symptoms much later than other people.

GT: So, what are these SEEDS factors?

Dr. Arden:

• S—social connectivity: We have these social brain networks that need to be fostered and kindled and cultivated through a lifetime, and those people who don’t [do this] tend to be more depressed, more anxious, get ill more often, and get dementia symptoms much earlier than others. [For example], we know that the telomeres, which are the caps on the ends of our chromosomes, actually shrink with loneliness. So social connectivity—as in, good quality social relationships—has multiple benefits to our immune system and to our mental health, even down to the chromosomal level.
• E—exercise: From an evolutionary vantage point, we as a species were hunter gatherers until roughly 11,000 years ago. That meant we moved about 10 miles a day, and we have the same biology today as we had then … The bottom line is our bodies evolved to move a lot, and very, very few of us move 10 miles a day. And if we don’t get regular exercise, … we don’t have these body-enhancing, brain-enhancing biochemical processes occurring, so our brains get bogged down. On the other hand, when we do get that aerobic boost on a regular basis—let’s say for 30 minutes a day—all sorts of wonderful brain-enhancing biochemical processes occur, including the birth of new neurons in the brain. It is the best antidepressant and the best anti-anxiety agent that we have; it’s better than any antidepressant medication, better than psychotherapy, and better than psychotherapy and medication combined. It is a must—an evolutionary imperative.
• E—education: If we’re not learning something new on a regular basis, we’re not building an infrastructure of brain connectivity. The more connectivity you have, the richer your thoughts—and we call that cognitive reserve later in life. … Learning a lot throughout your life does a lot to build your brain and without doing that, you’re looking in the rearview mirror worrying about the past or the future. So learning something new every day is a way to keep your life vital and exciting.
• D—diet: We are what we eat, and the cornucopia of chemicals that we operate our brain with don’t come out of nowhere; they’re not immaculately conceived. Our body makes these brain chemicals based on the foods that we eat or do not eat. Every one of these neurotransmitters has a precursor amino acid, and if you want to starve your brain of these chemicals, you can have a bad diet, or skip breakfast, or eat simple carbohydrates, or fried foods, or whatever—but you’re going to end up rendering your brain incapable of learning and incapable of having positive thought. So diet is absolutely fundamental.
• S—sleep: Many people think of sleep as just one thing, and as long as they can stay not conscious and not awake, everything’s fine, but there is a sleep architecture that has be adhered to. And there are many things we can do to screw up that sleep architecture, like take various substances, including some pharmacological agents that doctors prescribe for sleep. So getting good hygiene and having good sleep practices is critical for mental health and for not developing dementia later on, but most importantly for not having too much anxiety the next day, or too much depression.

GT: What are some of the brain degrading habits we should all be avoiding?

Dr. Arden: All the SEEDS factors, if not adhered to, are brain degrading. But what else? Substances … Alcohol on a regular basis—and I’m not talking about alcoholism, just regular drinking—is not brain healthy. And another real common one is medical marijuana, which is really out there right now [being touted] as this panacea, but it is not brain healthy. … Do I think it’s the worst thing in the world if you smoke a joint? No. But if you do that on a regular basis, just like if you drink alcohol on a regular basis, not so good for your brain.

Reference:

BrainFacts.org. What is neuroscience? Retrieved from http://www.brainfacts.org/about-neuroscience/what-is-neuroscience/

“That’s so Zen,” people say, meaning peaceful, accepting, and soothing. But what is Zen, exactly? You might picture a room filled with fluffy pillows decorated in blues and grays, lavender incense, and synthesizer sound waves punctuated by gongs. I’d probably like hanging out on those pillows, but Zen is much more than relaxation. It’s a way of life emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition, and realizing one’s true nature—the purpose of Zen.

We complain about stress, about losing ourselves in the hectic din of constant activity, always on the go, busy, and in touch. We even sleep with our phones kept handy on the nightstand, so we can be available 24/7. That is too much stress, but stress is not only a bad guy, it’s a good guy, too, often supporting growth.

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Think of how stress helps in the gym. Muscles get bigger with resistance training—which is a form of stress (on the muscles). “No strain, no gain” and “use it or lose it” are popular refrains, but we have to find the optimal amount of strain that promotes growth. We need to work those biceps with the proper weight. Too much will tear our muscles, and too little will leave us with spaghetti arms. This is where a trainer in the gym, or a meditation teacher, a spiritual leader, or a psychotherapist, can come in handy, making sure that the stress you’re experiencing is optimal, be it physical, cognitive, spiritual, or emotional. We need to balance stress and relaxation.

Zen practitioners develop a sense of balance, as well as simplicity, order, and harmony. Right diet, regular exercise, enough sleep, right livelihood, and mindfulness activities such as meditation, yoga, prayer, and other techniques help us recover from too much stress. When we quiet the mind and the body, we have a better chance of finding the true self. That’s the goal of Zen—finding the deep self, who you really are, a key to a more rewarding life, and why psychotherapists often include meditation techniques as part of their treatment plan, although it is not a replacement for psychotherapy.

Zen is a peaceful way of life which avoids killing or harming another living thing, shuns stealing, promotes sexual responsibility, and practices truthful speech that does not hurt anyone. Drinking and drugging, anything that diminishes consciousness, is to be avoided. The Shakyamuni Buddha simplified what a Zen life looks like when he said that Zen means “to do no evil, to cultivate the good, and to purify one’s mind.” These are down-to-earth principles which help us live the good life, without too much stress.

A central aspect of Zen is meditation. Often it’s wise to start a meditation practice by resolving to meditate every day, at the same time if possible, and for a period of perhaps five minutes, so when your meditation time is over you want more and you’re ready to start again the next day. You can use a timer, if you wish; just choose a sound that you like. There are some really good apps for that! You can gradually lengthen the time spent meditating.

Meditation practice is simply sitting quietly while maintaining good posture and focusing on one thing, often the breath. Watching the outbreath is emphasized because the outbreath is a relaxing breath by its nature. We breathe out, let go, and then wait through the pause and on to the next breath, a bead in the necklace of your life’s breaths.

While you meditate and focus on the breath, you try not to get caught in the endless thoughts, stories, and fantasies that our brains are constantly spinning. Each time you catch sight of your thoughts, you simply say “thinking without judgment,” and then you return your attention to the breath. The “without judgment” part? I say it twice; it’s that important. NO JUDGMENT. Meditation is not a self-improvement program. It is a getting-to-know-and-accept-yourself program, after which you can get to know and accept other people, too.

People often get angry with themselves when they catch themselves thinking instead of meditating. They might feel like failures, but it’s exactly the opposite. Catching yourself thinking is the sweet spot. You didn’t do something bad, but just the reverse—you noticed, you woke up and were aware; this is the essence of meditation, the gentle road to mindfulness which leads inside to your true nature. Mindfulness is an extended awareness, throughout the day, noticing, not simply reacting.

Meditation reduces stress by increasing positive feelings and decreasing anxiety. As you get to know yourself better and learn to treat yourself and others with greater kindness, your ability to navigate your emotional reactions with more skillfulness also leads to a greater ability to get along with yourself and with others. Self-acceptance, again, is key.

There have been many scientific investigations into the benefits of mindfulness. An early one was the relaxation response developed by Dr. Herbert Benson, who founded the Mind-Body Institute, affiliated with Harvard University. He reports that meditation produces healthful changes in metabolism, heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, and brain chemistry. The National Institutes of Health concur. Other findings reveal that long-term meditators have increased grey matter in their brains, and an increase in alpha-wave activity.

Meditation can be an important part of your daily life. With patience, you will reap great benefits of consciousness and emotional development. Following basic Zen principles of compassion and nonviolence, and establishing a regular meditation practice, makes for a satisfying life with less stress—and provides the tools to handle stress when you need to. A Zen mind-set can go a long way toward teaching us to deal with stress. You don’t have to make a huge change to gain its benefits.

Recommended reading:

• The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron
• The Trauma of Everyday Life: A Guide to Inner Peace by Mark Epstein
• Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh, Arnold Kotler, and H. H. the Dalai Lama 
• Mind and Life: Discussions with the Dalai Lama on the Nature of Reality by Pier Luigi Luisi with Zara Houshmand

While most Americans will experience some level of depression in their lives, some will experience an intense and serious depression that requires the help of friends, family, and often a mental health professional.

The severity of a depressive state will fluctuate based on a variety of factors, including the availability of a support system, treatment options such as a therapist or psychiatrist, emotional coping skills, and a history of successfully navigating previous mental health episodes. However, when depression worsens, suicidal ideations (or thoughts) may develop, and are therefore often seen together. The focus of this article is to help identify common signs and symptoms of suicidal thoughts related to severe depression and how to recognize when to seek help.

Common depressive symptoms include a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, low energy, changes in sleep and appetite, concentration and focus problems, and changes in libido. When depression worsens, often people will experience hopelessness, a desire to isolate and withdraw, and may begin to have thoughts about how to make the pain (depression) stop. These are symptoms most commonly associated with the onset of suicidal ideations. This is where outside help is needed. The vulnerability experienced with hopelessness and a desire to make the pain stop sometimes leads to irrational actions and decisions. Once this hopelessness manifests as a desire to “go to sleep,” “make the pain go away,” or identifying ways to die and how to obtain the means (guns, pills, etc.), the suicide risk is dramatically heightened.

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Other factors must be considered when determining how soon help should be acquired during a worsening depression. First, if a firearm is in a person’s possession or at least accessible to the person, help should be sought as soon as the depression is apparent. The firearm should be secured by a third party or by law enforcement. Next, any use of recreational drugs or alcohol limits a person’s insight and judgment, making them more impulsive and less likely to consider available resources. If a person is likely to use drugs, help needs to be called before a person becomes intoxicated and possibly makes a dangerous mistake. A previous history of suicide attempts increases a person’s suicide risk; thus, help should be attained immediately if a suicide survivor begins to experience suicidal thoughts.

Risk Factors

Numerous risk factors need to be evaluated to determine suicide risk level. Below is a listing of the more serious factors warranting immediate intervention. If any of the following become present in a person’s thoughts or behavior, help should be sought immediately (note this is not a comprehensive list but rather an overview of the more common risk factors):

• Decreased or no sleep. Without adequate restorative sleep, a person’s insight and judgment become significantly affected.
• Developing a suicide plan. A person moves thoughts into an action plan.
• Identifying ways to access suicide means or storing means (pills, guns, etc.).
• Giving away personal items of value and/or getting one’s affairs in order with the anticipation of dying.
• Any psychotic symptom such as auditory or visual hallucinations.
• Hopelessness, seeing no hope for the future.
• Intent to die.
• History of mental health treatment in the past, especially a history of suicide attempts.
• Family history of a completed suicide.
• Limited or absent support system (few or no friends or family to call for help)
• Serious/chronic medical condition(s).
• Withdrawing from sources of support, such as family, work, or friends.
• Happiness immediately after feeling severely depressed: This may suggest a person has resolved to die and is now hopeful for their plan.
• Impulsive and/or high risk taking or careless behavior, different from the person’s normal functioning.

Treatment Options

Depression and thoughts of suicide are serious, but they are also highly treatable. The sooner a person elicits help from friends, family, or a compassionate mental health professional, the sooner they may be able to gain healthier perspectives and insight into ways they can work to handle their current state. Help may be able to instill hope and help a person begin the process of returning to a happier and stable state.

It is important to know some available resources for those experiencing suicidal ideation. First, call 911 immediately if a person is expressing they may no longer be able to remain safe on their own. Second, if safety permits, a person can be taken by friends or family to any hospital emergency department, where the person will receive a comprehensive evaluation and possible placement inside a mental health facility. Third, many therapists have after-hours support available, but this should be used only if there is not an imminent threat to personal safety. Fourth, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24 hours, seven days a week) can be reached at 988, where a trained person will listen and help a person decide the best route for help. And lastly, many communities have local-based suicide-prevention crisis lines and clinics. Check with your local mental health department to see what resources are available.

Developing a safety plan before depression worsens is a key element in the treatment of those at risk for suicide. Having support systems early and risky behavior identified (e.g., thinking of ways to die, acquiring means to harm self, etc.) can be a life-saver. It is best to have a plan of prevention and response in place before a crisis; trying to develop a safety plan amid an active crisis is often unsuccessful. A mental health professional can help you develop an excellent care and safety plan in your very first session.

The world can be a cold and cruel place, and as such, every display of warmth and goodness makes a difference. Performing random acts of kindness for those around you—such as opening doors, offering to help carry groceries, giving free hugs, or buying a cup of hot coffee for a stranger—can trigger a ripple effect, reverberating outward into the masses and spreading the good vibes like wildfire.

However, if you’re feeling lonely and unloved, showing kindness to others is often a stretch; in fact, it can be nearly impossible to do so with any amount of sincerity.

“We have all heard the adage that ‘you can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first,’ and this is 100% true,” says Marla B. Cohen, PsyD. “When we are not practicing self-love, we may begin to see ourselves as unlovable and unworthy of the love and kindnesses shown by others.  This can lead to a sense of distrust with other people and a tendency to devalue others and reject some of the kindness and care coming our way.”

An important component of this practice, Cohen adds, is acknowledging that imperfections and mistakes are a part of being human. “When we are judgmental and critical of ourselves, and when we saddle ourselves with unrealistic expectations and unending obligations, we become dependent on others around us to help, heal, or save us.  As this is an impossible task, we inevitably become resentful of others, because no amount of love, concern, or assistance from another will feel adequate if we are in a constant state of self-criticism and self-imposed pressure.”

[fat_widget_right]Silencing the critical voices within can be a challenge, but it’s one worth taking on—and small acts of kindness toward ourselves can be incredibly transformative. “Self-kindness helps stop the constant flow of negative self-talk, criticism, judgment, and relentless pursuit of perfection that most of us have come to see as normal.

When we treat ourselves with kindness, compassion, and understanding, we feel worthy, nurtured, and secure.  When we provide ourselves with an unconditional environment of safety and security, we free ourselves up to take more risks in service of our potential.”

Simply put, the more gentle and forgiving we are with ourselves, the more likely it is that these positive vibrations will overflow into our interactions with those around us. “When we accept our own imperfections and limitations, we are much more able to have empathy for others’ shortcomings.  This helps us be more accepting and loving in all of our relationships,” says Cohen.

So if you’re feeling the need for a little therapeutic love boost, treat yourself to one—or all—of the following random acts of self-kindness:

1. Take a hot bath.

Soaking in a hot tub, preferably with Epsom salt and aromatherapy oils, can do wonders for sore muscles and a worn-out spirit. Light a candle and turn on some relaxing music to add to the experience.

2. Go for a walk.

Ideally, this will be in a favorite park or neighborhood. But it could be as simple as a walk around the block. Moving your legs, breathing the outside air, and taking in the sights and sounds will naturally increase blood flow and endorphins, thereby warming your body and bettering your mood.

3. Buy a special treat.

What makes you smile? Candles, jewelry, a good book, a trinket from an antique or thrift store, a bar of chocolate, flowers, a latte from a local coffee shop—there are so many small purchases that can make a big difference in how you feel, if only for a few moments. Cohen adds that it’s a good idea to keep the purchase around $20 or less to avoid buyer’s remorse. Whatever you choose, allow yourself to savor the indulgence.

4. Schedule a massage.

Touch is a powerful form of pain relief and endorphin release. Giving yourself permission to make an appointment with a massage therapist sends the message that you are worthy of tenderness, care, and relaxation. Your body, mind, and spirit will thank you.

5. Meditate.

Setting aside the time to simply be—for a few minutes or a few hours—tells your inner taskmaster to simmer down and be still. Using candles, soft music, dim lights, and comfy cushions during meditation will help to set the mood, and slow, rhythmic breathing will guide you into a relaxed state. You can incorporate a mantra or simply allow your mind to become empty, letting go of one nagging thought at a time until all that remains is the sound of your heart beating and breath going in and out.

6. Pick a card, any card.

Have you ever had a bad day and come home to find a card from a loved one in the mail? Knowing that someone is thinking good things about you can be an uplifting and powerful heart warmer, so imagine making that gesture of kindness for yourself. “I love to encourage my clients to go to a card store and buy themselves a loving card,” says Cohen. “It’s wonderful to write a note inside, honoring and appreciating yourself, and offering yourself encouragement.”

7. Decorate your personal space with positive messages and mantras.

Cohen encourages her clients to surround themselves with physical reminders of positive, encouraging messages. “In my office, I have painted rocks and notecards bearing messages such as ‘I matter,’ ‘I am worthy,’ ‘I will take time for me,’ and ‘I am enough,’” she says. “Keeping these kinds of messages around where you can see them regularly can really help the practice of self-care and kindness.”

8. Take yourself on a date.

The idea of going to a restaurant or a movie sans friends or a romantic partner may seem a bit daunting. But all it takes is one time to realize that the experience can actually be quite enjoyable. What restaurant do you typically only go to for special occasions? What type of food do you love to eat but never feel like making at home—or don’t know how? Is there a movie or a live show you’ve been wanting to see? Make a reservation, buy the tickets, and go solo. Bring a book to read if you can’t handle the thought of eating alone and without conversation. Your self will be immensely grateful for the gesture.

As a final thought, Cohen says, “I encourage people to consider all of the ways they show love and kindness to others, and then urge them to treat themselves with the same attention, consideration, nurturance, forgiveness, and respect.”

Have you ever experienced pain during sex? If so, you are not alone. According to a Huffington Post report from a National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior study, 30% of all women ages 18 to 50 experienced painful sexual intercourse during their last sexual encounter.

What Causes Painful Sex?

Painful sex can be attributed to variety of possible reasons. Some women experience pain after giving natural birth due to scar tissue that forms after tearing or cutting of the vaginal walls.

Other women develop a condition of vaginal muscle atrophy or atrophic vaginitis According to Medical News Today, up to 75% of women will experience this problem after menopause. The conditions involves vaginal dryness, irritation, painful sex, and changes to the appearance of the vagina.

If you are experiencing painful sex, there are many other potential causes of pain that can be assessed with proper treatment. Ideally, the best treatment option is a combination of medical treatment, physical therapy, and sex therapy.

Medical Treatment

[fat_widget_sex_right]Initially, it is helpful to get assessed by your primary care physician, gynecologist, or urologist. One challenge women face when seeking medical treatment is working with a doctor who is not familiar with the available options for painful sex.

It is important to seek a medical professional who specializes in the area of sex. Doctors who know about this field are more likely to collaborate with other potential resources and offer more specific medications that are designed to help in this area.

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy

In addition to medical treatment, many women seek the help of a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor work. You can find these specialists at the Women’s Health website.

Physical therapists help women in several ways. First, they spend more time assessing the entire area including potential problems with the hips, groin, and urinary tract. Second, they offer specific exercises women can use to strengthen their vaginal muscles both in and out of sessions. Third, they teach internal stretching exercises that help sex become less painful over time.

Sex Therapy

As a final option, sex therapy can be used to help incorporate partners into treatment. Some women have difficulty transitioning exercises from the physical therapy room to the sexual relationship.

In sex therapy, clients are taught how to make exercises a more fun part of their sexual experience. It also helps women transition treatment from a solo endeavor (she is fixing her sexual problem) to a partnership (the couple is developing a better sex life).

Sex therapists can also help women who are burdened by psychological anxiety as a result of painful sex. Women report feelings of anxiety about potential pain that could happen, even when the pain is not present. If you are experiencing pain during sex, please don’t wait to get help.

When you go to your doctor for some problem you are having, there is no question that you want an answer to what it is. Not only does it ease your mind because you have clarity, but it also means that there may be treatment for that problem/disease and you will hopefully get better.

It’s not quite so apparent when it comes to our mental health. You may have heard of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), which is like a bible of diagnoses for mental health. Originally compounded by psychiatrists (MDs), it reflected doctors’ beliefs that mental health issues are like diseases, and can be treated once diagnosed.

The most recent version of the DSM, put out in 2013, has been updated to reflect current research and practices. It is used to label mental health issues so that insurance companies know what and how to bill. But for many practitioners it is also a useful way to define a client’s condition. So, is it helpful or not?

On the plus side, there are times when having a label to your experiences gives you peace, as you have a name for it and don’t feel you are “just crazy”. It is also critical in determining medication interventions. If one is diagnosed with attention deficit issues (ADD) or bipolar, for instance, it is likely that the right medication(s) can greatly improve quality of life. Having such a diagnosis—and very clear criteria to make that diagnosis—aids therapists and clients in collaboratively identifying courses of treatment.

[fat_widget_right]Labeling also often helps clients in explaining unexplainable behavior to their significant others. Imagine, for example, that your spouse is constantly late, procrastinates, forgets everything you tell him, and seems to space out a lot. Perhaps you are angry because he doesn’t seem to be trying to improve these problems.

If your partner is diagnosed with ADD, that gives a lens through which you can now understand your husband’s behavior, and it allows you to problem solve together, set realistic expectations for change, and, of course, get appropriate help in the form of therapy and/or medication.

On the down side, labeling can be highly stigmatizing and can even limit treatment options. Certain diagnoses come with all sorts of judgments—even on the part of therapists, who should be aware of these judgments, but aren’t always. Clients can become stuck on their diagnoses, instead of working on the solutions.

Most diagnoses don’t come with a clear and definite treatment, like a medical problem might. For instance, a diagnosis of depression might be treated with medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnosis, mindfulness, or dozens of other options, depending on the client’s needs and the therapist’s skills. So some therapists prefer to look at the constellation of symptoms, and decide how to approach them without needing to put them in a box.

Having a label can be freeing, and can allow you and your therapist to come up with the right plan for you without adhering to strict labels. Another serious concern about labeling is that mistakes are made quite often! It could be the result of an unskilled therapist, or perhaps that clients share only selective information or inadvertently leave things out because they don’t know it’s important to share. Sometimes it takes years to piece together the whole picture and fully understand a person.

Whether you believe in labeling or not, it is always wise to do your own research, get a second opinion, ask lots of questions, and trust your gut!

“I hate you!” 4-year-old Carly screams at her mother. Some moms might react by grabbing their daughter and spanking her on the bottom, or screaming, “You are a bad girl!” or telling her, “That’s a bad word, we don’t say things like that,” or starting to cry and admonishing, “You hurt Mommy’s feelings.” There are many ways children learn to think of their angry or hateful feelings as bad even though anger and hate are normal human feelings. Too frequently, families don’t differentiate between expressing these feelings through words and acting on them. When families succeed in outlawing feelings of anger and hate and don’t teach their children appropriate ways of expressing their feelings, they limit the child’s ability to be aware that he or she has these feelings and to use them successfully. These limitations seriously interfere with the ability to become a person who can navigate life and relationships with a full range of feelings and self states.

Several years ago, I received a call from Frank, who made an appointment. In our first session, he was clear that he wasn’t sure he needed therapy, but his wife thought he should see a therapist because he seemed so unhappy with everything. He told me that he thought his wife was probably right, that he wasn’t very happy. “But I don’t think I’m depressed,” he said. “You know, I just do my life. I share responsibility for my 10-year-old son, who I love. I have a job that helps to pay the bills, but I don’t care much about it one way or the other. I’ve been married for 14 years and my relationship is OK, even though my wife keeps complaining that I don’t seem happy. She can be a nag, but that’s fine—I’m used to it. I’m OK.”

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I commiserated with Frank that it seemed his wife had sent him to therapy and that he didn’t really feel that it was something he wanted or needed. He responded, “That’s so true, but I guess I don’t really know what I want or need. My wife always seems to know what I should do more than I do. So I’ll give it a try.”

Frank and I began our work, and since Frank didn’t have any specific complaints, I thought it would be useful for him to tell me his life story.

Frank described his childhood as “the usual—no real problems.” In one session, he recalled, “My mother taught me to be thoughtful about people. She was anxious and always worried about what other people thought. It was most important that I treat her with utmost respect. I always did what she said; I was very aware of not wanting her to feel embarrassed by my behavior.” In another session, he spoke of his mother: “She could get very hurt if I disobeyed or said no in any way. I remember when I was 6 or 7, I wanted so badly to go to my friend’s house to play with these action figures he just got. She wouldn’t let me go because my father was away on business and she didn’t want to be alone. I think I said something like, ‘Please, it’s not fair. It’s only for a few hours.’ She got very upset with me and started crying, ‘How could you be so mean to me and hurt me like this? How dare you say I’m not fair?’ I felt terrible. I couldn’t stand to see her hurt.”

Frank’s father, a successful litigator, was always involved in his work. Frank understood that his job was to be there for his mother and keep her emotionally comfortable. Any attempt to protest or “do his own thing” would be met with the mother’s hurt and Frank’s remorse. He learned early how to be a “good son.” When I asked Frank if he ever felt angry with his mother, he looked startled. “Why would I be angry at her?” he said. “I was the bad one. I hurt her. Besides, I could never feel angry with her. She never said so, but it wasn’t allowed. I think it would have destroyed her.”

Frank’s demeanor in our sessions was usually slouched over, talking quietly, mostly in a matter-of-fact way. When he spoke about high school, he perked up and began to describe doing well academically and feeling good about it. But then those feelings disappeared as he explained, “In my junior year I was thinking about going away to college and started to talk to my parents about it. My mother said I would be better off going to college at home and my dad agreed. I remember him saying that he appreciated my being at home with his being away for business so much and that it would be good for me to live at home and save the family some money.” Frank looked sad and said, “You know, maybe I did get kind of depressed then. I know I didn’t have a choice. It seemed that was just the way things were, not something to have feelings about. I never applied to schools away from home. I lived at home all through college but got my own apartment when I graduated. My parents found one for me in the neighborhood where they lived.”

I asked Frank, “What do you mean when you say you had no choice?” He looked perplexed and seemed to have trouble responding. “I don’t know. It wasn’t something that I would have thought about once they said no. They said no and that was that. I suppose I never gave it a second thought.”

“What do you imagine would have happened if you did give it a second thought?” I asked.

“It’s not conceivable,” he said.

“Just try to let yourself imagine and see what you think of.”

“I don’t know …”

“It’s OK not to know. But I really would like you to try.”

“Well, let’s see. I feel like crying. … Maybe I would have cried.”

“What do you imagine you would have cried about?”

“Hmm. I would have been sad that I couldn’t go away to college.”

“Why do you think you would have been sad?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I would have liked to go away and was unhappy that I couldn’t.”

“I remember you told me about wanting to go with your friend when you were 6 or so and you told your mother that it wasn’t fair that you couldn’t. Do you think this could have been a similar feeling?”

Frank began to cry softly, “Oh yes, yes, that’s it. I couldn’t go with my friend, I couldn’t go away to college, and I couldn’t do a lot of things. It wasn’t fair.” Frank put his head in his hands, and his crying got louder.

“It’s very sad. You learned not to protest and to accept the life your parents prescribed for you,” I said.

After this session, Frank and I began to look at this pattern of accepting what was put in front of him, choosing what was pleasing for others and opting for paths that were least likely to create conflict or stir up feelings of anger.

We are currently talking about Frank’s relationship with his wife and son. He is more curious about his wife’s description that he’s “always unhappy” and is considering what he could be unhappy about. He recognizes that feelings have been accumulating about his life that he has never been free to feel or express. This worries Frank. “What if I know what I want or think or feel? What happens if I start to get angry at the people I love? Oh, my god! What if I even hate them?” These are frightening thoughts, and we are working on Frank becoming more comfortable bringing more of himself into his relationships. Frank had an “a-ha!” moment when it occurred to him that maybe his son doesn’t listen to him because he can’t say no to him. Frank told me with great surprise, “I’ve been afraid to get angry with him, so I just say yes, and I haven’t been tuned into myself. You know, I can see now—I do feel angry!”

Frank is scared but also excited about the possibilities of developing his voice and getting comfortable with his feelings. We have much more talking to do, and we will take it slowly. Frank will be anxious as he grows and develops and tests his new thoughts and feelings in the world. But each success in voicing his authentic self will make his next attempt to be the person he is becoming feel a little less frightening. With continued work, Frank can get comfortable enough with himself in the world.

Frank’s story is not unique. Many children grow up in families where they learn, consciously and/or unconsciously, that feelings of anger and hate are bad. They may be unaware that they are fighting within themselves not to feel these feelings. As they mature, they are handicapped. They can’t know themselves or be themselves or use these feelings to help make choices. For example, they won’t be clear that they are being treated badly, or that it’s OK to compete to get what they want, or, like Frank, that it’s necessary to say “no” to help a child learn to accept “no” and limits.

Children who grow up believing that anger and hate are bad usually believe that if they have these feelings they will DO something bad or act in a hateful or rageful manner. But feelings do not have to be acted upon, or can be acted upon in appropriate and nondestructive ways. If we don’t have a full range of feelings available to us, we are at risk of not knowing what we want and who we are—and of having limited lives and relationships.

Editor’s note: Names in the preceding narrative were changed to protect privacy.

There are different kinds of trauma, but in general an experience can be considered traumatic when what is happening threatens to overwhelm those involved, making them feel helpless. Some types of traumatic experiences can have long-lasting and far-reaching consequences.

The body is programmed to work in a specific way when faced with a threat. The heart rate increases, and muscles are supplied with more blood in the event running becomes necessary. While this is happening, less important bodily functions temporarily shut down as the body readies itself for “fight or flight.”

Studies show that the areas of the brain involved with emotional responses, thinking processes, and memory storage become less active. This can lead to experiences not being processed or “integrated” by these various brain functions at the time the traumatic event is happening.

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Trauma and Emotional Response

Some people find that posttraumatic stress (PTSD) follows life-threatening events such as an earthquake, a tsunami, a sexual assault, or war-zone encounters. It can affect those who go through the event, individuals who witness it, and people who come later, such as first responders and those who just happen onto the scene.

As time passes, memories, thoughts, and feelings of the trauma can surface unexpectedly in a disconnected and confusing fashion, making it difficult for those who deal with severe forms of PTSD to get on with the challenges of daily life.

Scientists, doctors, psychologists, and counselors are still studying and learning about the effects and consequences of different types of trauma on the human psyche. Not all traumatic experiences will lead to identifiable PTSD, but it is generally understood that the effects of an unintegrated experience can be unexpected and often will occur without warning.

The way a person responds emotionally can be profoundly affected. An unintegrated traumatic experience can affect how an individual meets the world and his or her ability to be authentic.

Being Authentic

Being authentic means to act in a way that is consistent with, and in accordance with, one’s core beliefs. It isn’t hard to see that a person dealing with the disconnects associated with unprocessed trauma will inevitably come face to face with the fact his or her emotional responses don’t always reflect true beliefs and intentions.

The person may wish to express a loving feeling, for example, but the sheer emotional vulnerability of such an expression may result in withdrawal from the very people he or she holds near and dear. When repressed and left unexamined, the fragmented thoughts and feelings associated with traumatic events often find expression in behaviors that impede and distort authentic expression.

Seeking Treatment

After a traumatic experience, it is normal for the people involved to have mixed emotions—to feel angry, sad, and anxious. They may also feel disconnected from other people and their surroundings. This is to be expected, is normal, and may fade as time passes.

For some, though, these feelings don’t fade.

There are a variety of successful treatment options for people experiencing the effects of trauma, and there is no shame in opting for therapeutic interventions. There are identifiable biological reasons for post-trauma difficulties that have nothing to do with culturally rooted ideas of who is weak and who is strong.

To overcome the effects of trauma, it is essential to meet what happened head-on. Doing this with the support of a knowledgeable therapist will help ensure that the traumatic event becomes a successfully integrated past experience and support the healthy expression of authenticity.

References:

1. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and the Family. Retrieved 2/22/14 from: http://www.veterans.gc.ca/eng/mental-health/publications/ptsd-families#cn-tphp
2. Goldman, Brian M. (under the direction of Michael H. Kernis) (2004). Interrelated Roles of Dispositional Authenticity, Self-Processes and Global Role Functioning in Affecting Psychological Adjustment. Retrieved from: http://athenaeum.libs.uga.edu/bitstream/handle/10724/7885/goldman_brian_m_200412_phd.pdf?sequence=1
3. Treatment, Services and Support for PTSD. Retrieved 02/25/14 from: https://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=posttraumatic_stress_disorder
4. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Retrieved 02/25/14 from: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

All children want to know about their origins. As their minds develop and their understanding of the world grows, their questions go deeper. Toddlers ask where babies come from; teenagers want to know where they came from. It is part of their identity development. For gay parents (and all adoptive and foster parents), the answers to those questions can be complicated.

Gay parents do not become parents in the usual way (unless they had their children while in a heterosexual relationship). They may use donor sperm or eggs; lesbian mothers may have each carried a child, or all the children may have been carried by one of them; gay male parents may use sperm from both, or just one of the men. And with both gay men and lesbians, they may have used either strangers or people known to them during the reproductive process. Yeah, complicated. So what DO you tell the kids when they ask questions?

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The two most important factors in responding to any questions children have are (1) understanding their age/developmental level and (2) sticking to the truth. (I am reminded of the old joke in which 7-year-old Jimmy asks his dad where he came from. Caught off guard, Dad awkwardly tells Jimmy about the birds and the bees. After which Jimmy replies, “Oh. Davey came from Ohio.”)

Very young children require only a few words to satisfy their curiosity. When your 4-year-old asks where babies come from, they simply want, “They grow inside a woman’s body,” not a sex education lecture. Later, at around seven to 10 years of age, their expanding minds may start wondering how that baby got in the woman’s body. Even then, they are usually satisfied with, “The man’s seed started it growing there.” It is not usually till the preteen years when kids get curious about sex. So, don’t overwhelm your child with what you think they need to know or what you assume they want to know. If you’re not sure what they are looking for, get clarification. Then give them the simplest answers and if they want to know more, they’ll ask.

Children also want to know about their personal story. They like to see younger versions of themselves in the family photo album. Depending on the family, they may also see pictures of the orphanage they were adopted from, their pregnant surrogate, or their biological parents. This does not “confuse” young children—whatever they grow up with is normal to them. Even when they start school, children accept differences because the adults in their world do. In fact, children have to be taught by older kids or adults that differences are “wrong.” It is then that they may start questioning their origins or the make-up of their family.

It is best to know beforehand how you will respond to your children’s questions so when they come to you, you can be calm and assured. Your children will pick up on your feelings; if you are uncomfortable, they will sense that something is wrong or that this is a taboo subject. They may even transfer that awkwardness to themselves, thinking there is something wrong with them.

Many parents, both straight and gay, avoid the truth in talking to their children because they are not comfortable with certain subjects, or they think there are things the child is better off not knowing. While every good parent wants to protect his or her child, keeping secrets makes it seem like there is something shameful that needs to be hidden. And it is virtually impossible to keep secrets in a family forever. At some point, someone is going to let something slip. Or the adult child may need genetic information, or may find out through testing that he or she is not biologically related to one or both parents. There are few things as destructive to a parent-child relationship as betrayal.

Children can handle almost anything if they are given the information by someone they trust, in a positive way, in words they can understand. You and your partner or spouse should plan for this ahead of time. Sharing the story of how you became a family can be a special bonding experience.

A great deal of what we bring to our roles as parents comes from the way our own parents treated us. This includes the big areas of values and morality, as well as the smaller corners of daily life, such as determining who is responsible for which chores. This is what makes a family a family: the shared values and traditions passed along from one generation to another.

But perhaps there are things our parents didn’t know that might have been helpful to them in raising us. There are things you can learn that will help make you better parents than your parents were, for all their good intentions.

They relate to understanding your child’s emotional and psychological development. If you have a clear understanding of what your child is capable of doing, understanding, and conceptualizing at a particular age, then you will be able to reach the child at his or her own level of capability with your words, your actions, and, perhaps most importantly, your expectations.

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There are some obvious milestones in the development of a child from birth through late adolescence. These include first steps, talking, learning to socialize with other children, completing homework assignments on time, identifying and developing personal talents, meeting the expectations of coaches and teachers, and figuring out enough about personal identity to be able to face the world as a fledgling adult when the day comes to leave home.

What are the concurrent developmental phases that accompany the outward markers of growth and change in your child? These are the areas where insight can help you match your parenting with the child’s age and capabilities, so that you have less stress and the child has optimal support.

Erik Erikson, a great 20th-century psychologist, described what he called the psychosocial stages of development (see Erikson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1950, or Identity: Youth and Crisis, 1968). His thoughts resonate today and include the following broadly outlined phases of normal development.

In the early years, the child is learning key aspects regarding trust: Who is a reliable and consistent caregiver? Am I safe here? These questions and their answers are experienced pre-verbally, which means that the way you care for your infant through the toddler years—your attention to the basic needs of hunger, thirst, touch, sleep, and physical comfort—all create the child’s sense of how safe he or she will feel in the world. If you are thoughtful and concerned for the child’s well-being at this stage, the world will become a place of caring adults. If child care is intermittent or inadequate, the child’s notion of safety will be compromised. This is a time for consistency.

In the early years of childhood come the first attempts at autonomy. This is when you see a toddler begin to leave the shelter of Mommy and/or Daddy and reach out to make connections with other people. Toddlers can do this only if they feel confident that Mommy and/or Daddy will be there when they return. If they are unsure of this, they will be reluctant to begin to explore the world. Your best efforts here include understanding the child’s needs for security and encouraging the child to move into the world beyond the family structure, knowing that you are there in the background.

Once you have a preschooler on your hands, you are looking at a child who is beginning to see that he or she can actually affect the world. You see attempts at managing the actions of pets and other children. In play, you can see stage managing that demonstrates this newly discovered power of influence. If a child is supported in this and encouraged to step out into the world, confidence will develop. If the child is told he is too bossy, and scolded rather than shown more appropriate behavior at this stage, guilt and shame can develop, along with a reluctance to participate in challenges.

You can help during this phase by understanding that your child’s need to begin to separate as an individual with power in the world is a key component in developing the independence that you eventually want for your child. Your guidance here is important because encouragement and gentle course correction will help the child learn which behaviors are acceptable to you and to others, and which are not.

Once a child starts school, the greatest developmental task is the development of a strong sense of self as a competent person. This comes from successful academic and social experience. Your encouragement in helping a child believe he or she is capable of meeting the demands of the classroom while also navigating the social environment is of great importance during these years. You help a child with homework, but you don’t do it for him/her. You listen to the grievances of playground politics, and instead of immediately taking only your child’s side, you offer for consideration various interpretations of the behaviors of other children, to help your son or daughter begin to see that there are other ways of looking at the same situation besides his/her own. It is still appropriate to support your child emotionally and to make certain that any obvious wrongs are righted, but the real learning at this age is in understanding the social landscape and taking care of oneself while honoring the points of view of others.

With the onset of puberty and adolescence, the game changes for your child on just about every front: the very earth that once felt so familiar beneath his or her feet is now shifting like sand. Not only does the world look different, but he or she has to figure out who he/she is in relationship to it. This is the task of adolescence. This is the chaos you witness in your teenager. It is a time of trying on various roles and affecting different behaviors, in an effort to identify which ones are the best and most accurate representations. This can be a maddening time for parents who just want to tell their children to knock it off.

If ever there is a time for patience in the life of a parent, this is it. This is a period of intensity on all fronts: emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Everything is in play. Nothing is certain. The best you can do at this time, in the interest of your child’s healthy identity development, is to continue to provide a safe and supportive emotional environment upon which your child can rely while everything else may seem to tip sideways.

The challenge, of course, is to remember that you didn’t learn anything about being yourself because your mother or father told you who you were. You learned by going through the very same process your own child is going through. If your parents were not patient with you, you might remember the feeling of searing wounds that felt as if they would last forever.

If you remain conscious of where your child is developmentally at any particular age, you can tailor your behavior and guidance to meet his or her needs and abilities to absorb your help. It is not so difficult a task if you bear in mind that a child matures slowly over the years under the warm light of your support.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart, however; challenges will most certainly arise. The easiest way to think of this is that your child is a young person who needs you to be the adult so that he or she is free to be the child. It is safety and security that give your child the opportunity to learn, make mistakes, and grow. You provide this best by understanding the developmental phase of your child at any particular age.

Many couples with whom I work continue to return (or call back if they’re in distance therapy). They find it’s helpful to have regular “tune-ups” even after we have repaired and healed their relationships to move past whatever hang-ups or problems inspired them to contact me in the first place.

In these ongoing conversations, I get to learn about many ways that loving couples heighten sexual intimacy and strengthen their relationship by creating fun and pleasure. I continue to notice that couples who have a happy sex life view lovemaking as an expression of intimacy, but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally. They enjoy a relaxed and accepting view of sexual pleasure.

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Fantasy is an important aspect of creative intimacy. Believe me when I tell you that your sex life will be greatly enhanced if you feel safe enough to share your sexual fantasies with your partner—and perhaps even explore them with one another. Does your partner know about what really turns you on? Can you imagine telling him or her about it?

Fantasy is the base of variety, imagination, and adventure for most of us when we experience sexual pleasure, either alone or with a partner. But relatively few couples seem to be able to trust their loved one with their fantasies and then find some way of “acting them out” together. When we share these secret places in our minds, the result can be great romance and excitement that swoops us out of the monotony that can ensue when we are mating in domesticity.

I encourage couples to cultivate the idea that within the safe boundaries of their relationship, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable and welcome. Nothing is intrinsically wrong or disgusting. We can decline a partner’s request, but we don’t judge or disparage him or her for it.

Describing and sharing a fantasy requires a great deal of courage, so receive your partner’s secret longings with tenderness and compassionate curiosity. One couple recently shared about their bedroom “treasure chest” that includes sartorial regalia honoring each of their delights and predilections. The contents include police and nurse uniforms, a cheerleader outfit, and several pirate costumes—sort of a Caribbean theme!

“It’s really a helluva lot of fun,” one person laughed. “I don’t even begin to understand some of my desires or fantasies, and I have no idea why Johnny Depp got me so turned on in Pirates of the Caribbean! But my sweetie doesn’t care—they just consider it play and we have a ball!”

Most of us base our expectations about sex on informal and unreliable sources, usually friends we had as adolescents. And this “information” is usually based on fantasy.

Ignorance often leads to people judging themselves harshly and comparing their performance to the actors who appear in their favorite fantasy. I often hear people lament that they are “just no good in bed.” An obvious example is the guy who believes he always has to be able to produce an erection whenever the situation requires it. When it doesn’t happen, self-doubt and genuine fear often result.

Years ago an author named Nancy Friday interviewed thousands of women about their sexual fantasies—one of her books that I really enjoyed is My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies. Those of us who are female are usually (not always!) less visual and therefore more inclined to enjoy reading erotica, while men tend gravitate toward video/online stimulation. Consider watching with your partner, discussing what’s exciting and what isn’t.

Talk about your fantasies with your partner. He or she might be surprised and/or delighted. I guarantee you will grow in intimacy as you trust one another with your deepest desires. Let go of any attachment you might have to a particular outcome, such as orgasm.

The results can be downright entertaining, and you’ll learn a great deal about one another. Just don’t take things too seriously. You’ll laugh together at the very least, and that’s one of the best aphrodisiacs!

Known as the body’s natural “feel-good” chemicals, endorphins stimulate feelings of pleasure, well-being, and pain relief, making them an essential component in a balanced, happy life. Endorphins are neurotransmitters secreted in response to stress and pain, which we all feel from time to time.

Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to tap into the mood-boosting, stress-relieving benefits of endorphins and get their full, opiate-like effect flowing. Though endorphins are commonly associated with the “runner’s high” achieved through vigorous exercise, the positive mood shifts associated with them don’t necessarily require strenuous physical activity.

The following are seven endorphin-boosting activities to turn to in times of trouble, or when you just need a little lift.

1. Exercise

By moving your body and increasing your heart rate with cardiovascular exercise, you can stimulate the production of endorphins in the bloodstream. As soon as the heart starts pumping and sweat glands start perspiring, the rush of feel-good chemicals kicks in to reduce the brain’s perception of pain. However, you may have to push through that initial stage of discomfort to fully experience the endorphin-induced exercise high.

As an added bonus, if you’re trying to kick a harmful habit, exercise is considered a highly effective coping mechanism in most forms of addiction recovery; the natural endorphin high offers respite from incessant cravings for drugs, alcohol, or junk food.

So take an exercise class, go for a run or a bike ride, or do some calisthenics (lunges, squats, leg lifts, etc.) in your spare time. Cleaning, gardening, yard work, or something as simple as a brisk walk or a midday session of yoga or deep breathing and stretching will also kick endorphins into gear.

2. Eat chocolate and chili peppers

Chocolate is celebrated cross-culturally as a pleasurable indulgence, and endorphin release is just one of many reasons to enjoy its blissful effects on the body. The mood-boosting and inflammation-reducing benefits of chocolate consumption are well established and widely used to justify indulging in it regularly (Stoppler, 2007).

If you can stand the heat, chili peppers are another edible endorphin releaser. According to researchers, chili peppers contain a chemical called capsaicin that triggers the pain-relieving, feel-good effect in response to this fiery food’s heat—the hotter the pepper, the better (Carollo, 2012).

And, of course, there’s always the dark chocolate-chili pepper combination. From rich hot chocolate drinks to chocolate bars that blend the two, a number of options are available if you’d like to sample this combo for a double dose of endorphin release.

3. Drink wine

While this is only applicable to individuals who are of age to consume alcohol legally, several studies can confirm: wine can enhance those feel-good chemicals.

According to research published in the Journal of Neuroscience, enjoying a small amount of alcohol, especially wine, at the end of the day can boost endorphins (Ireland, 2014). Both red and white wine contain antioxidants, and red wine contains resveratrol, which has been shown to reduce inflammation, slow the aging process, and protect against arterial damage (Hendrick, 2010; Mayo Clinic, 2011).

Another study published in Science Translational Medicine examined the effects of alcohol-induced endorphins on the brains of social drinkers and “problem drinkers.” They concluded that endorphins play an enormous role in the desire to keep drinking once the initial rush of feel-good chemicals have been released. This is true for social and problem drinkers, though those who are prone to addiction will be more likely to drink to excess (Simon, 2012).

So be mindful and drink in moderation when indulging in this pastime. One to two glasses should suffice to get you basking in the mood-enhancing, ethanol-endorphin glow.

4. Have sex

Engaging in regular sexual activity feels good, relieves stress, and releases endorphins. In fact, endorphins are largely responsible for the anxiety– and pain-reducing effects of sex (Newsmax Health, 2013).

The endorphins produced during sexual arousal and shared affection also stimulate the production of oxytocin, aptly referred to as the “love hormone,” as well as other neurochemicals like dopamine (Stoppler, 2007). The combination of these chemicals creates a blissed-out, deeply satisfying sensation throughout the body during and after sexual contact.

(This tip is for consenting adults who are practicing safe sex.)

5. Get a massage

Touch-oriented modes of healing and pain management such as acupuncture, massage, chiropractic adjustments, and hydrotherapy are known to stimulate endorphin release (O’Sullivan). This is part of what makes these treatments so popular—they leave you feeling relaxed, relieved, and revived.  Plus, you don’t have to do anything but sit or lie down and let the good feelings flow.

6. Meditate

Simply relaxing and focusing the mind on meditation triggers the release of endorphins and also helps increase dopamine, serotonin, and melatonin. This cocktail of chemicals flooding the bloodstream leaves the meditator feeling calm, happy, and content. One study found the effects of running and meditation on mood to be very similar—both activities produce endorphins and lead to positive feelings (Harte, Eifert, and Smith, 1995).

For someone new to meditation, the following tips may help you ease into its pleasing effects.

• Find a quiet spot free from distraction. Ideally, this will be a place where you can sit or lie down comfortably.
• Consider lighting a candle and/or listening to soothing music.
• Shift your attention away from the myriad thoughts and worries that tend to flood the mind in the initial moments of meditation. Repeating a simple mantra may help.
• Breathe slowly, deeply, and consciously. Allow your breath to guide you into a state of deep awareness and relaxation.

7. Laugh

Laughing lifts the spirits and relieves tension. This is somewhat of a given for anyone who has ever experienced a good belly laugh. But did you know that part of the reason laughing feels so good is because of the endorphins that stream through your system when you do?

According to research presented at a meeting of the American Physiological Society (2006), just knowing that laughter is coming boosts endorphins and sets the feel-good vibes in motion. Stress reduction and improved immune functioning are added perks of letting loose with laughter.

References:

1. American Physiological Society. (2006, April 3). Just the expectation of a mirthful laughter experience boosts endorphins 27 percent, HGH 87 percent. Phys.org. Retrieved from http://phys.org/news63293074.html
2. Carollo, K. (2012, February 20). The world’s hottest pepper: Brings pleasure and pain relief. ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/capsaicin-ingredient-hot-peppers-offers-medical-benefits/story?id=15727011
3. Harte, J. L., Eifert, G. H., and Smith, R. (1995, June). The effects of running and meditation on beta-endorphin, corticotropin-releasing hormone and cortisol in plasma, and on mood. Biological Psychology, 40, (3), 251-265. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/030105119505118T
4. Hendrick, B. (2010, August 4). Resveratrol may slow aging in humans: plant extract resveratrol suppresses inflammation, study finds. WebMD Health News. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/news/20100804/resveratrol-may-suppress-inflammation-in-humans
5. Ireland, K. (2014, February 10). How to boost endorphins. Livestrong.com. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/88275-boost-endorphins/
6. Mayo Clinic. (2011, March 4). Red wine and resveratrol: good for your heart? Diseases and Conditions. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/ART-20048281
7. Newsmax Health. (2013, July 8). Regular sex makes you look 7 years younger: researcher. Retrieved from http://www.newsmaxhealth.com/Health-News/sex-aging-health-benefits-endorphins/2013/07/08/id/513728
8. O’Sullivan, B. What are endorphins? The Road to Health Newsletter. Retrieved from http://www.road-to-health.com/64/What_are_Endorphins_.html
9. Simon, G. (2012, January 18). Alcohol and endorphins: ‘feel good’ chemical key to problem drinking? Counselling Resource. Retrieved from http://counsellingresource.com/features/2012/01/18/endorphins-and-alcohol/
10. Stoppler, M. C. (2007, March 15). Endorphins: natural pain and stress fighters. MedicineNet.com. Retrieved from http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=55001
11. WebMD. (2012, July 23). Exercise and depression. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression