BipolarYoung woman thinking as a mental health issue is not well understood, but it is apparently caused by a neurological chemical imbalance which can often be managed by treatment with lithium or other medication. In a workshop on bipolar or manic depression, as it is sometimes called, a psychiatrist reported that one question often asked by people who experience it is, “Why me?” He proceeded to give what he thought was the correct answer, which involved a scientific explanation regarding the nervous system, genetic predisposition, and the chemical deficiency which may trigger the symptoms of bipolar.

The psychiatrist, however, had not understood the question. “Why me?” does not look for scientific explanations. Rather, it is a search for some meaning and purpose to any hardship or suffering that people with bipolar may experience. Furthermore, it assumes that there is something unfair about having to suffer, especially when so many others escape suffering. These are philosophical or perhaps even religious questions, not scientific questions. And they are not nearly so easy to answer. Indeed, they have no answer if the only source of knowledge is science.

People ask, “Is my marriage hopeless?” “Why did my child get killed?” “Will my life ever get better?” “Should I get a divorce? Have a child? Take another job? Go back to school?” In spite of the respect, even near-reverence, which many people have for their therapists, none of us can answer such questions. Our answers are no better than their own, and in most cases are worse. We cannot know a person better than he or she knows himself/herself.

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Psychotherapy may help a person achieve a sense of autonomy and control over his or her life. It does not, however, provide easy answers for the most difficult questions of human existence. The person who comes to therapy hoping that the therapist will take over his or her life and provide neat solutions to all problems needs to understand that life is difficult, that there are many unanswered questions, and that ultimately one must take responsibility for himself/herself. Learning these lessons while drawing on self-compassion should always be an important goal of therapy.

We do not learn and grow from quick fixes or easy answers, no matter how much we think we want them. And the therapist who offers such solutions is not doing the person in therapy any favor. People instinctively know that another person cannot run their lives. They resist in very creative ways the imposition of such solutions by overly helpful, not-so-helpful professionals.

There are a lot of questions I can’t answer—not for the people I work with in therapy and, in some cases, not even for myself. Life and death are great mysteries. And the best scientific research has not given, and cannot give, answers to these most important questions of human life.

On the other hand, the inability to answer such questions for the person in therapy is not the same as failure to grapple with them. And it does not mean that human wisdom is exhausted by the scientific enterprise. This leads to one final point about the nature of psychotherapy. Therapy of the psyche, the “healing of the soul,” is ultimately a spiritual or even a religious process. At some point, a competent therapist must feel comfortable dealing with these kinds of questions, questions about good and evil, what is the good life, and the meaning of life and death.

Three at the jettyAs a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer) teens and their families during the coming-out process, I am often witness to the reactions parents have to a teen revealing his or her sexual identity. These reactions range from “We suspected for quite a while” to “We had no idea!”

As I work with these families, the expectation is that therapy needs to focus on the issues surrounding the teen coming out. While this support for the LGBTQ teen is vital, in my experience, parents may need just as much support. Parents are often in territory that is new to them and they may not have developed the language to speak effectively and sensitively with their teen, or the awareness to sort through their own changing perspectives.

One of the most basic things that I have parents focus on is that the child they have lived with and known for years is still the same person. One of the most supportive things any parent can offer at the moment of coming out is simply a hug and reassurance that there is still a relationship based on love. Remember that when a teen comes out to his or her family, he or she has probably been thinking about and building anxiety around how that coming-out experience will play out and be received. Simply connecting with the teen will help to relieve some of the anxiety and reassure the teen that there is still space for him or her in the family story.

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It is also important at the beginning to simply listen and support. Even with parents who suspect that a teen may be gay, it is important that they take time to process some of their own feelings before opening up a litany of questions and concerns. When parents are caught completely off guard when a teen comes out, it is vital to offer loving support to the teen and at the same time recognize that there are questions and concerns that there may not be answers to immediately. Parents may need time to adjust to this new information and to process it.

As parents begin the process of unraveling their feelings about their teen’s sexual orientation, it is also a good time to gather information and learn more about what it means to be a member of the LGBTQ community beyond stereotypes and popular conceptions. Parents can join organizations such as PFLAG and gather the latest info regarding LGBTQ teens on the GLSEN website. As parents become more educated, they can release some of their fears and build a foundation for conversation with their teen.

As the process continues, another question that may arise is, “Who gets to know?” The coming-out process is just that, a process, and how the information is disseminated is worth discussing. Often, a teen will come out to one parent first and then ask for that information to be held in confidence for a time. There is no need to force the conversation, and it can help the process a lot if the teen feels like he or she is in charge of who gets to know. It is also common for a sibling, friend, relative, or teacher to know first, so I encourage parents to be OK with the fact they may not be the first to know.

Finally, don’t forget that while it should be a priority to be open and available to converse with your teen about his or her sexual identity, it is not all that he/she is. He or she is still facing all of the same battles and angst that other teens go through as they develop their identity. Be sure to support LGBTQ teens in all their efforts in life, including school, hobbies, sports, friendships, and spirituality. Though it may seem like the coming-out story is the most important thing on the list at the moment, teens are complex, vital, intriguing, and amazing people who are open to guidance, acceptance, and love in all forms and areas.

Three rescue workers talkingFred is a 40-year-old firefighter who has been working as a first responder for more than 15 years. In his first year as a firefighter, he arrived at a car accident in which three children were killed. Since then, he has been among the first to respond to the scenes of countless injuries and dozens of deaths.

Although he tries not to think about the fatalities, he remembers each one. When asked how he and his colleagues cope with the trauma of witnessing such horrific events, he looks away, chuckles, and says, shaking his head, “We joke around and pretend it doesn’t bother us. You don’t want to be the one going to counseling. Everyone would call you a wimp.”

First responders such as firefighters, EMTs, and police officers face horrors in their work that most of us can’t imagine. In helping everyday people in the worst of times, they witness death, destruction, and much of the worst of what humans can do to hurt one another. A recent article from The Police Chief discusses the importance of seeking professional help for law enforcement officers. Physicians, physician’s assistants, nurse practitioners, nurses, and other medical professionals are also typically exposed to more human suffering than anyone should have to see.

The Boston Globe published an article a few months after the Boston Marathon bombings. It describes the experiences of several first responders whose lives were irrevocably changed by what happened that day. And this article in Counseling Today, aptly titled “First to Respond, Last to Seek Help,” lists the effects of traumatic experiences on first responders and the many barriers to seeking help these individuals face.

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Christine, 35, has been a hospital nurse in a children’s cancer unit for 10 years. While she can tell joyful stories of the children whose treatment succeeds in overcoming the cancer cells, there are many stories she doesn’t share. While she doesn’t speak about the pain and suffering she has seen, these memories haunt her at night when she tries to sleep. She is beginning to question her faith as she struggles to understand why children and their families have to experience such pain. Most days she cries in her car on the way to work, but she can’t stand the thought of leaving her job. Her supervisor has suggested she go to counseling and she views this recommendation as an insult to her professional skills.

Part of the problem is the environment in which firefighters, EMTs, police, and medical personnel do their heroic work. The fast-paced nature of their work settings limits opportunity for expressing feelings about what they see. Maintaining a clinical distance between patients and themselves helps first responders and medical professionals maintain their composure in the worst situations.

But there is a reason those of us who are helpers seek out helping work. We are caring people by nature, and it hurts to see others in pain. While most employers offer counseling through employee assistance programs, first responders and health care providers often feel, as Fred mentioned, that asking for help is a sign of weakness.

Exposure to trauma is an occupational hazard for first responders and medical professionals, and as such, it is necessary to practice self-care and know the signs that trauma is taking a toll. According to the Trauma Center of the Justice Resource Institute, the effects of exposure to trauma are cumulative. The longer one has worked as a first responder, the more likely he or she is to have a reaction to trauma.

What You Can Do about It

There are several great books available to help people who have experienced trauma firsthand. Two I recommend are Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky and Compassion Fatigue by Charles Figley. Taking time away from work and seeking social support can be helpful. If needed, find a therapist or counselor who is specially trained in trauma to help you recover.

When to Consider Seeking Professional Help

According to the Trauma Center at the Justice Resource Institute, a first responder who is experiencing the following symptoms should seek professional help to assess and treat the effects of their traumatic experiences:

If trauma symptoms are interfering with your enjoyment of things you used to love, if you’re starting to hate your job and question why you went into the field, or if the way you look at the world has changed, counseling can help. Asking for help is a sign of strength.

References:

  1. First responders and traumatic events: normal distress and stress disorders. (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.traumacenter.org/resources/pdf_files/First_Responders.pdf
  2. Gupton, H.M., et al. Support and Sustain: Psychological Intervention for Law Enforcement Personnel. The Police Chief 78 (August 2011): 92–97.
  3. Shallcross, L. (2013, August 1). First to respond, last to seek help. Counseling Today. Retrieved from http://ct.counseling.org/2013/08/first-to-respond-last-to-seek-help/

Runner athlete legsWhen people think of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, they generally think about a treatment for trauma, which is partially accurate. Treating trauma is what EMDR therapy was developed for and continues to do. But since its development and introduction over 25 years ago, it has become more than an intervention and is now a comprehensive psychotherapy, one that is exceptionally effective in addressing multiple issues and challenges.

A common misconception is that a person has to be struggling with mental health or major life challenges to benefit from EMDR. On the contrary, one of the most interesting and innovative uses of EMDR has been in performance enhancement in addition to its ability to decrease fear, stress, or anxiety related to performance.

How EMDR Works

In short, EMDR therapy accesses and links the multiple facets of memory (image, cognition, emotion, and sensation) and uses bilateral stimulation/dual-attention stimulus (eye movements or tactile or auditory stimulation) in order to decrease disturbance associated with specific incidents in a person’s life. It taps into the brain’s natural ability to heal and helps it file away memory appropriately so that when the memory is recalled, there is no disturbance associated with the memory.

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Other Ways EMDR Can Help

EMDR has several wonderful applications. In addition to decreasing disturbance associated with trauma, it is effective in decreasing anxiety and targeting irrational or negative thinking, both of which may get in the way of performance. In addition, it can help a person to gain confidence in his or her ability to perform a task or reach a goal. EMDR works to achieve this by installing positive beliefs, and by having a person imagine doing the thing he or she is nervous to do or wants to improve in while doing bilateral stimulation. This has the effect of simultaneously decreasing the fear, anxiety, or stress associated with the task and boosting confidence.

It seems that EMDR helps the brain to think in a healthier, more adaptive way by removing blocks (such as negative self-beliefs) and helping the person to tap into his or her strengths.

An Example of EMDR in Practice

Sometimes EMDR is hard to conceptualize without a specific example. Here is a hypothetical one.

Alice wants to implement healthy habits into her life, so she has set a goal of exercising three times per week. However, she is self-conscious when she thinks of going to the gym. She worries about other gym members and trainers judging her.

She visits an EMDR therapist to help her reduce her anxiety and to boost her confidence in going to the gym. The therapist completes a thorough history and teaches her stabilization and calming skills to utilize between sessions and (if needed) during the desensitization phase. Once fully prepared for the next phase of EMDR therapy, Alice and her therapist assess and desensitize any past experiences that feel related to the current experience.

Once there is no longer any disturbance associated with past experiences, they then assess and target the current situations that are triggering for Alice. Specifically, Alice targets the image of the gym, the belief “I am not safe,” emotions (fear and insecurity), and body sensations associated with this target. They use bilateral stimulation and work through the target until no disturbance remains, Alice is able to fully believe the thought “I can keep myself safe,” and she no longer has any negative body sensations associated with the target.

Alice and her therapist then move to the next phase of EMDR therapy, during which future situations are targeted. During this phase, Alice plays a movie in her head, imagining herself packing her gym bag, getting in her car, driving to the gym, going into the gym, completing her workout successfully, and leaving the gym feeling a sense of accomplishment. Alice finds that when thinking about this scenario, she has some anxiety and another negative belief: “I am going to fail.”

Alice plays the movie through several times, all while the therapist provides bilateral stimulation. If Alice finds she gets stuck, she lets the therapist know and the therapist helps her to work through the sticking points. She finds that each time she plays the movie in her mind, she is less anxious and more confident in her ability to go through the actions she is imagining. She eventually finds that she no longer believes she will fail and, while playing the movie the last few times, instead holds the belief “I am strong and capable.”

The next time Alice goes through the actions of preparing for and going to the gym, she has far less anxiety and much more confidence.

Of course, every case and person is different, but this is a simple example of how EMDR may be helpful in not only addressing past and present issues related to performance, but also in enhancing future performance and decreasing anxiety related to potentially triggering situations. The number of sessions will vary from person to person, but it has been my experience as a therapist that EMDR is both efficient and effective. Contact a therapist trained in EMDR if you think it might be beneficial for you.

female-with-hand-upI remember when I first started out as a therapist. I loved offering advice. I had such important, good advice to share.

Actually, I was full of advice long before I became a therapist. I had good ideas for just about everyone in every situation starting from a fairly young age.

At one point in college, I decided to try an experiment. Instead of being so free and honest with my advice, I’d wait until people asked me for it. Why should I make it easy for everyone?

Strangely enough, no one asked.

Perhaps that’s part of what initially led me to this profession. Imagine my surprise when, three weeks into my first internship, my boss very directly told me and the other two interns, “Your job this year is to learn to listen and to not help anyone.”

What?

I found that to be glib and annoying. I figured he just wanted to say something bold, shocking, something to make us think twice. I mean, my earliest exposure to therapy was Lucy in the comic strip Peanuts. There was an advice giver if ever there was one.

Well, my boss was right.

Advice giving as a therapist should be a rare thing. Here’s why.

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None of this is to say I’m never concrete with people in the therapy room or that I never offer suggestions. I don’t think it’s all that helpful to hold back or to be deliberately vague. But in my years of doing this work, I’ve given advice less and less and people seem more satisfied.

Sometimes my lack of advice giving brings up some strong feelings. I think back to when I wanted someone to make a decision for me. When someone did, I missed an opportunity to be better prepared for next time.

It’s like your mother telling you to look up a word in the dictionary instead of simply telling you its meaning. I was always angry when she did that. I considered her to be manipulative, withholding, and smarmy.

But I know what “pompous” means.

painting-oil-canvas-013115About a year ago, I was working as an art therapist in private practice and I had a 12-year-old client struggling with anxiety and figuring out who she was in the world. I asked her to create a self-portrait—a great exercise for a girl trying to define herself. At one point I realized I had never made a self-portrait, at least not since grade school. So I went out, bought a canvas, took a “selfie,” and began my own personal process answering, “who am I?”

I began with a light sketch, trying to see myself from the observer view. Then I started painting, layering first in basic colors to assign shadow and light areas. I have a lot of experience painting, but painting a person is definitely challenging. Faces have complex layers of subtle shadows and highlights. I worked layer after layer. Too dark. Too light. Too dark again …

One night I came home and looked at the painting in process and wondered, “Have I gone too far? I just keep layering and layering, will it ever be finished? This painting is getting overworked.” I paused, contemplating this chosen word. That’s exactly what I had created: “overworked Michelle”. Working three jobs and always doing a lot, I was overworked and my self-portrait reflected this state.

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This is the beauty of art therapy: even though you’re not trying to do it, your self comes through in the art you create. There I was, “overworked Michelle,” in painting as in life. I didn’t like how she looked … and I didn’t like how it felt to be overworked Michelle, either. At that point, I stopped working on the painting and bought a new, blank canvas of the same size. “Who would I be if I wasn’t overworked Michelle?”

I challenged myself to make the Michelle I wanted to be, my ideal state of being. To avoid overworking the painting again I limited my work time to two sittings. In the beginning, I did not sketch anything, but started with paint on canvas, finding a portrait through color and strokes. Without a photo to reference I was free to make the face, body, and shading however I wanted. The result was a representation of how it feels to be me on the inside.

A few nights previously I had had a powerful dream about a mountain lion and when the hole in the chest appeared in my painting, I knew I wanted a cougar coming from the darkness. But how would I paint a cougar in such a short amount of time? Actually, I had already cut one out of a magazine and it was just hanging on my bulletin board nearby. Should I put collage in my painting?! I’d never done that before!

michelle fox art therapyI found freedom in creating this painting. All rules went out the window. I could be whoever I wanted to be! This is the truth of life. We create imaginary confines around ourselves that don’t actually exist. With the focus of actually creating the me I wanted to be, I found myself soft and open, vulnerable and dangerous, with strong roots hanging down, looking for soil.

Art is a powerful medium. It reminds us that we are creators, born to make what we want out of life. Art is an opportunity to ask yourself, who do you really want to be? I practiced what I wanted in this painting, and then my life followed suit. I am no longer “overworked Michelle.” Now I have one job, and it is my passion—the place where I share my heart with others and practice vulnerability and openness. I take care of myself first, every day. I don’t feel overworked, because I love what I do. I continue to draw and paint what I want out of life because, in the very near future, it could all come true.

Michelle Lynn Baker is an art therapist and owner of MBodied Art Studio in Westminster, CO. She teaches art classes to children and adults and runs therapeutic art groups for parents and children. Michelle enjoys the spectrum of art as therapy from learning to healing.

Sisters Comforting Each OtherIt is the nature of abuse within families to be as behaviorally nuanced and emotionally complex as the individuals involved. Relationship abuses nearly inevitably reveal a life-draining and self-perpetuating dynamic of power and control. It is within this dynamic that abuse is perpetuated.

Abuse may manifest as physical (throwing, shoving, grabbing, blocking pathways, slapping, hitting, scratches, bruises, burns, cuts, wounds, broken bones, fractures, damage to organs, permanent injury, even murder), sexual (suggestive flirtatiousness, propositioning, undesired or inappropriate holding, kissing, fondling of sexual parts, masturbation, oral sex, or any kind of forceful sexual activity), or emotional (neglect, harassment, shaming, threatening, malicious tricks, blackmail, unfair punishments, cruel or degrading tasks, confinement, abandonment).

Abuse may also involve what I call strategic accusation in an attempt to maintain perceived leverage in the context of families and social circles—for instance, communicating to family and friends that the victim has engaged in affairs that have not occurred, or even using the mere threat of spreading such a rumor. There may also be implicit threats, such as, for instance, the open display of weapons. Perpetrators may drive recklessly in order to generate fear and emphasize a position of control.

Financial or what you might call economic abuses may also exist. For instance, many perpetrators maintain individual, or even secret, bank accounts as a way to withhold money. They may also ensure that bills and credit cards be placed under the name of the victim as a measure of self-protection.

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In all of these, the dynamic of abuse commonly takes shape in varying modes of manipulation, intimidation, aggression, and terrorism.

And though we often think of abuse as being inflicted by a perpetrator on a victim, or else between two perpetrators, we must be careful to recognize another disposition, an often secretly performed dynamic of abuse, that is inflicted by an emotionally troubled person onto himself or herself.

Recognizing that those trapped in such dynamics embody varying forms of what psychology has long referred to as sadism and masochism, psychologist David Shapiro (1981) instructed:

Each disposition involves, in its own way, a defensive, usually angry assertion of will; each is driven by a sense of inferiority, shame, or humiliation; each is deeply and self-consciously concerned with relative position, rank, and measure, with superiority and inferiority—but the sadistic person from the superior position, and the masochistic person from the inferior one.

The sadistic impulse occurs when a person dominates others as a way of attempting to gain in a surrogate what they lack within themselves and in life: control. The masochistic impulse occurs when a person grasps for such control through harmful forms of self-soothing.

Eating disorders, cutting, and substance abuse are indicative of a masochistic coping style and often of entrenched emotional dominance or avoidance within a family system.

Child abuse occurs far more commonly than most people realize. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began a study in the 1990s that has tracked child abuse and reported that there are more than three million reports made each year involving more than six million children, and that between four and seven children die each day due to abuse or neglect in the United States.

And then there is violence between lovers. Michael Johnson (2006) identified four major types of intimate partner violence—situational couple violence, intimate terrorism, violent resistance, and mutual violent control—and defined them “in terms of the control motives of the violent member[s] of the couple, motives that are identified operationally by patterns of controlling behavior that indicate an attempt to exercise general control over one’s partner.”

Intimate terrorism, which most frequently involves men abusing women, is the most extreme form of domestic violence. Another form of chronic domestic violence is a pattern in which both husband and wife are controlling and physically violent, two intimate terrorists battling for control, what Johnson labeled “mutual violent control.” These types of chronic abuse are products of two quite different evolutionary histories and psychological profiles: “one type broadly sociopathic and violent, the other deeply emotionally dependent on their relationship with their partner” (Skolnick and Skolnick, 2003).

Lipman-Blumen (1984) defined power in relationships as “the process by which individuals gain the ability to impose their will on others.” Abuse is often preceded by a more subtle power dynamic. Newman (1999) noted that early stages of abuse may be primarily emotional and difficult to detect:

For instance, when a husband anticipates his wife’s angry response to his desire for her to do more around the house, he may decide not to voice his concerns in order to avoid conflict. Thus, she has successfully exerted power over him [by preventing him from speaking his mind] without any direct confrontation. Such invisible power is important since it can maintain inequality even in those marriages that appear harmonious and conflict free.

Victims of relationship abuses often enter into therapy in the midst of a dualistic emotional experience—an affectionate emotional bond interlaced with anger, resentment, and fear.

Those who find themselves in therapy are obviously often experiencing painful and isolating feelings and possibly ambiguity of emotions, such as love and anger, which may be felt simultaneously. Unless a therapist is highly empathic, victims may be unwilling to expose themselves. The first tasks in therapy should always be to empathize with the person amid the emotions brought into the therapy room and to ensure an immediate plan for safety should a disclosure of abuse be made.

References:

  1. Centers for Disease Control. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html.
  2. Johnson, M.P. (2006). Conflict and control: Gender symmetry and asymmetry in domestic violence. In Violence Against Women (12) 11, 1003-1018. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
  3. Lipman-Blumen, J. (1984). Gender roles and power. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
  4. Newman, D.M. (1999). Sociology of families. Pine Forge Press: Thousand Oaks, CA.
  5. Shapiro, D. (1981). Autonomy and rigid character. United States: Basic Books.
  6. Skolnick, A. S., and Skolnick, J. H. (2003). Family in transition (12th ed.). Boston: A&B.

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Feeling homesick or anxious is normal when children are away from home, and these feelings do not mean that something is wrong with your child. Children of all ages can get homesick, but younger children and children who have never been away from home tend to be more prone to homesickness. Children may also be more likely to experience homesickness if they are going through a transition in their lives, have family instability, have trouble with emotional regulation, or have been diagnosed with depression or chronic anxiety.

If you are concerned that your child will be homesick or anxious while away, avoid the urge to warn him or her that it may be difficult. Empathize with and listen to any fears, and tell your child that you will help him or her strategize. Avoid bargaining, cajoling, or bribing. Instead, offer support and help your child gain insight into his or her processes. One way to do that is to talk about how the human brain works. If your child’s brain receives a message that something seems wrong or unknown (like the unfamiliar surroundings of camp), the brain responds in ways to keep the body safe. This can help your child to understand that anxiety and homesickness are how his or her brain is communicating that he/she is in unfamiliar territory. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right] You can further help your child minimize these feelings with proper preparation and by teaching him/her healthy coping tools. When your child understands the underlying messages of homesickness and anxiety, has a toolbox of positive coping skills at hand, and is aware of the importance of paying attention to his or her feelings, the child will be well-prepared to enjoy time in new environments. Here are seven specific tools to help a child counter homesickness and anxiety:

1. Plan Ahead

A little preparation can go a long way. Give enough notice of an upcoming trip or departure for your child to adjust to the idea, but not so much notice that there’s too much time to fret. Just how far ahead you announce the trip should depend on your child’s developmental stage and the length of stay away from home. It can be beneficial to hang a wall calendar in a common room. Mark the calendar with the date of departure as well as fun or interesting events that highlight the time away, and occasionally remind your child about these, increasing as the time approaches. This will give your child something to look forward to, which can help ease the transition. Of course, prior warning is not always possible and plans can change unexpectedly, but allowing your child time to adjust to the idea of staying away from home can be helpful.

2. Practice Self-Care

Another way to help prepare your child for being away is by having him or her learn and practice self-care skills ahead of time. Self-care skills include life-skill basics such as brushing teeth or changing underwear. However, they also include ways to calm, relax, and soothe, such as taking deep, slow breaths, picturing a relaxing scene, or imagining upcoming fun activities and experiences. Calming techniques take practice, and are best learned and practiced at least a few weeks prior to a departure date.

Effective self-care also includes keeping up healthy habits while away from home. Eating well and adequate rest have several benefits. Your child is less likely to enjoy his or her time away if he/she is running low on steam. When a child has insufficient rest or fluctuating blood sugar, internal resources are utilized elsewhere and coping skills become less available. Encourage your child to stay in tip-top shape by making healthy food choices and maintaining regular sleep hours. (If you have a younger child, the responsibility of maintaining healthy habits would of course lie with the caretaker.)

3. Offer Encouragement

Prior to the departure date, discuss the fun things planned for your child while he or she is away from home. Offer your child encouragement about the positive experiences and the new friends they might make. Encouragement would include the typical, “You can do it!” and, “These are the fun things you will get to do,” as well as reminders of heathy skills, such as, “You know just how to breathe deeply and slowly so your body relaxes.”

4. Positive Self-Talk

Support and encouragement are important, but in the long run, utilizing positive self-talk can be even more powerful. Positive self-talk is encouraging yourself by talking to yourself out loud or in your head. An example of positive self-talk is saying, “I am safe, and even though I am someplace different than usual, it is a good place and someplace where I can have fun.” As simple as positive self-talk is, it takes a lot of practice to be effective. In other words, saying something positive to yourself once or twice does not usually suffice. Teach your child to encourage or reassure himself/herself many times throughout the day, especially during transitional times, such as upon rising or before bed. When most children are missing home they are missing their typical framework of sensory cues and the patterns they are used to.

5. Talk It Out

Talk with your child about his or her particular concerns about being away from home. Building your child’s feeling-words vocabulary can help. When he or she uses words that more accurately express his/her emotions about leaving, he/she will more likely feel understood, and it can then be easier to explore potential strategies together. Help your child to identify who he or she might choose to talk with if he/she feels the need while away. This may be a close friend, sibling, camp counselor, grandparent, or other relative.

6. Bring Along an Element of Home

Bringing along a sense of home in the form of sensory cues (visual, scent, or sound) can help make an environment feel more familiar. Have your child pack a reminder of home, such as a favorite stuffed animal or pillow, a spritz of mom’s perfume on a hankie, a family photo, or favorite music. Also, sending something small along for your child to decorate his or her sleeping area with can help make it feel more personalized, thereby increasing a sense of safety and familiarity.

7. Stay in Touch (Sort Of)

Anxiety and homesickness in children sometimes stem from a fear of being forgotten while away. Even though frequent phone calls may not be possible during your child’s trip, you can still let your child know that you will not forget about him or her while you are separated. Regularly scheduled contact may help alleviate anxiety, such as phoning to say goodnight, if possible.

However, unscheduled phone calls may increase stress. When a child is at camp, written communication may be best. Whether your child is at camp or spending time with relatives, encourage him or her to write you a note or draw you a picture (or two) for hand delivery when you reunite, and make a point to read and respond after you are reunited. Note: If anxiety worsens or does not subside after utilizing the coping tools above, your child may need the support of a licensed, qualified counselor.

AdobeStock 596423113Editor’s note: How do egalitarian couples with a shared goal of equal partnership navigate differing work demands? In deciding what to address this month for her ongoing series about relationships under intense work demands, the author grasped at what was right in front of her: the dynamics of partners who work different shifts. Specifically, this month she’s writing about partners whose work hours are as different as night and day. How do partners with these contrasting schedules make it work?

At the beginning of the month, my partner worked the second of two holidays at the hospital. As a resident physician in her department, she was given the choice to take off Christmas or New Year’s, but not both. If you picked or were assigned off for Christmas, like she was, you had three glorious days—from Christmas Eve through the day after Christmas—where you didn’t need to be at the hospital.

Of course, if you were off for Christmas, you worked over New Year’s. As I mentioned in an earlier column, my partner works in obstetrics and gynecology, and it turns out that people don’t stop having babies just because it’s a holiday.

So for the week of New Year’s, to cover for those on vacation like others had done for her, she worked a 24-hour shift every other day. Then she started a four-week block of nights.

You can imagine our adjustment as a couple—from the rare shared-vacation bliss and relaxation, to full days where we don’t see one another, to weeks where she’s going to bed as I’m getting up in the morning.

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I fear the potential of living parallel lives with my partner, with no intersection or coming together. I think most of us in healthy relationships strive to avoid this possibility. But what do we do when our schedules don’t line up?

To keep a complex topic simple, I came up with a “top five” tip list of common challenges and issues of contention for partners who work conflicting day/night combinations. First up is the most obvious: partners who work contrasting shifts don’t see each other nearly as often as they would like to!

  1. Recognize that loneliness may come, and strategize about how to effectively cope with it. A woman named Jess wrote a great piece for Offbeat Home and Life (2013) reaffirming that, no, these schedules aren’t ideal, especially at first, but there are perks. Partners may have the ability to confront codependent tendencies and become more independent and self-assured. They can seek out their own friendships and hobbies—after all, you aren’t in a good place to take care of your partner if you’re not taking care of yourself.
  2. Make time for intimacy and connection. Find effective ways to have sex, make decisions, and resolve conflicts. For one couple, what were usually conflicting times of sexual arousal (before bed and in the morning) actually worked out well when their work schedules didn’t otherwise match up. Bernstein (2014) writes that “physical closeness, even without sex, stimulates the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and promotes bonding.” Some contact is crucial! Regarding decision making: Dr. Tina Tessina (n.d.) points out that when two partners aren’t home at the same time for days on end, some decisions will likely need to be made unilaterally, which can “create an uncomfortable change in the power structure of your relationship.” Partners need to discuss and get onboard with that reality. Tessina also spells out some great ways of resolving conflicts with schedule restrictions in the mix.
  3. Respect your partner’s sleep needs—and your own. Jess of Offbeat Home (2013) cautions that it can be tempting to wake up your partner to get him or her to spend time with you, and it can also be tempting to neglect sleep in favor of precious time together, but resist doing either of these in excess. Less sleep for either of you (or both!) can lead to chronic cycles of dysfunction and feud. In her Babble column “Love on Opposite Shifts,” Chaunie Brusie (2014) writes that a coworker was so resentful of her night shift-working husband seeming to “sleep the day away” that she started counting the hours he slept, only to find that he was sleeping normal amounts. Bonus! Enjoy a higher quality of sleep: There’s evidence to suggest that couples sleeping separately can reduce sleep disturbances (BBC News, 2009; CBC News, 2013) and actually promote peace instead of escalating tensions based on differing sleep needs (Bernstein, 2014), so to boost all of our relationship-egos I’ve included references about sleeping separately in the list below. I know that this largely excludes the effects of working nights on circadian rhythm and that it’s nearly impossible to revel in the silver lining when your arrangement isn’t one you’ve chosen for this reason, but it’s still worth noting.
  4. Utilize technology creatively and often. Sending picture texts or updates about your day, calling to say goodnight at a bedtime that’s not your own—these efforts can go a long way.
  5. Rekindle the lost art of love letters! We write love notes often, so this isn’t something different when my partner goes on nights, but last year, when our work schedules prevented us from seeing one another for days on end while we were both working action-packed jobs, our letters became more vivid and interesting, and I felt closer to her for sharing them. Plus, it was easy to see how much the other person missed us. It feels good to be missed. So long as there’s a payoff, missing your partner is the sign of a good thing—not a symptom of impending doom.

Whatever your schedule and sleep needs, I hope you find peace after reading that there are others like you who are making their partnerships work in reliably creative ways.

Be well!

References:

  1. BBC News. (2009). Bed sharing ‘bad for your health.’ BBC News. Retrieved from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8245578.stm
  2. Bernstein, E. (2014). Couples on different sleeps schedules can expect conflict—and adapt. Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://www.wsj.com/articles/couples-on-different-sleep-schedules-can-expect-conflictand-adapt-1410217854
  3. Brusie, C. (2014). Love on opposite shifts. Babble. Retrieved from http://www.babble.com/relationships/love-on-opposite-shifts-2/
  4. CBC News. (2013). More couples opting to sleep in separate beds, study suggests. CBC News. Retrieved from http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/more-couples-opting-to-sleep-in-separate-beds-study-suggests-1.1316019
  5. J. (2012). Shift work: Learning to love our offbeat schedules. Offbeat Home & Life. Retrieved from http://offbeathome.com/2013/02/different-schedules
  6. Tessina, T. (n.d.). Marriage advice for work schedules: Same love, different shifts. Your Tango. Retrieved from http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-tina-tessina/dr-romance-married-different-shifts

fingers pulling out jenga block“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” —Gilda Radner

You’ve shown up for work only to be told that your position has been eliminated, and now you find yourself jobless and afraid. You find out that your spouse has been having an affair, and suddenly you are in a panic about what the future holds and how your life will change. You have a health condition and begin to live in a space where nothing seems certain. In moments like these, anxiety takes up residence in our minds: What will the future look like? Can I handle what is coming down the road? Will I be OK?

We’ve all been there at one time of another: stuck in uncertainty. It’s a scary place to be, and can leave you feeling out of control, hopeless, and helpless.

Although each of us differs in how much of life’s ambiguity we can tolerate, there are some situations that challenge even the most risk tolerant among us. Humans love a sense of order and predictability; chaos and the random nature of life can be very scary.

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When you are living with uncertainty and feel like some of your power in life has been taken from your hands, how do you cope? How do you manage to live in that ambiguous place without falling apart or dissolving into stress and worry?

This is a challenge I’ve faced as a person living in the shadow of cancer. As a cancer survivor, living with the knowledge that your cancer could come back and ultimately end your life is a significant challenge. Finding a way to manage and live with that uncertainty is necessary in order to lead a fulfilling and whole life, as it is with all uncertainty we face.

Here are some tips on how to find peace in an uncertain time:

1. Recognize That Total Certainty Is an Illusion

This is where we take a turn for the philosophical. In learning to live with uncertainty, it took me some time to recognize that the life I had been living pre-cancer was not necessarily any more secure than the life I am living post-cancer. In considering the temporary nature of all things and in acknowledging that change can come at any moment, we can see that total certainty in life is but an illusion.

As much as we would like to deny it, we are always in a state of uncertainty. We take for granted that things will remain relatively constant and have a hard time accepting that huge changes can befall us with nary a warning. As distressing as it is to consider, the truth is that your life can change on a dime.

Driving home from work today, you could be hit by another car and find yourself permanently paralyzed. You could find out that your newborn has a significant medical or mental health issue that will impact your family for the rest of your lives. You could arrive home to find that your house has been gutted by fire and you have no place to live. Alternately, a sudden windfall of cash could land in your lap from the estate of Great Aunt Agnes, or you could get a call from the employer of your dreams, asking you to join the team.

We like to believe we have total control over what lies before us, and, in truth, we do maintain a huge amount of control in the trajectory of our lives. But we don’t control all of it. It’s helpful to remember this during hard times. Just because you now recognize the uncertainty in your life because it is bolded, highlighted, and in flashing neon lights doesn’t mean uncertainty wasn’t there before. It just means it wasn’t as in-your-face as it is now.

Knowing that this is the case makes it much easier to accept that uncertainty is not necessarily an indication that things are going all wrong—uncertainty is the natural state of things. Once you recognize this truth, it’s easier to loosen from the grip of anxiety around the unknown.

2. Practice Meditation

A growing body of research shows that meditation can be of tremendous benefit to people coping with anxiety and depression. I will frequently draw in a mindfulness piece when working with people in therapy, and often this includes meditation.

The real benefit of mindfulness meditation is that it allows you to create some distance between you and your automatic thoughts and emotional reactions. Putting even a 15-minute practice into place in the morning will provide a space for your mind to calm and your anxiety to be reduced.

3. Utilize Exercise

I recently attended a workshop focused on releasing stress and trauma held in the body. The woman leading the workshop noted that, in the wild, animals often shake as a way to reduce tension. She pointed out that after an antelope runs from a lion and survives, it will spend some time shaking as a way to discharge the physical tension and release the energy brought on by the fight-or-flight response. Many animals release tension this way, but humans don’t have such a built-in response for discharging the stress we carry. Exercise can function for us in much the same way that the need to tremble functions for a dog.

Running, walking, aerobics, yoga, and weight training are all great for discharging physical and emotional energy that we carry with us during the day. Getting proper physical exercise can also help with getting good sleep, which is essential in thinking clearly and being our optimal selves.

4. Take Action Where You Can

Frequently when we are living with uncertainty, we feel as though our power to control the direction of our lives has been taken from us. This can feel very unsettling, to say the least.

While it’s important to acknowledge that uncertainty is a natural part of life, it’s also important to take action on those parts of your life that you have control over. Sometimes, the only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to the challenges we face. How you choose to face uncertainty is all up to you. Consider how you’d like to move forward with this in mind.

5. Get Support

When difficulties befall you, it’s easy to feel alone. The reality is that each of us experiences suffering. It’s a part of the human condition. The feelings you are feeling have been felt by millions of others. People all over the world, in your town, in your neighborhood, are dealing with uncertainty, too.

Reaching out to others for support can be helpful. Find that friend who has faced some really hard times, who has been through the wringer and kept going. Talk to them about what you are coping with. Some people prefer to seek out a therapist in this circumstance; therapy can be grounding during uncertain times. No matter whom it is, find someone who can help you reconnect with yourself when you start floating into anxiety about what the future holds.

Learning to live with uncertainty is one of the great challenges of life. It’s not an easy task, but learning to tolerate ambiguity is an essential skill for living a satisfying life. It will carry you through many challenging times, and you’ll find yourself living with more appreciation of the moment, which is really all we ever have anyway. Uncertainty can be a great teacher; allow it to be yours!

American Flag PuzzleWhen President Obama addressed the nation in his January 2015 State of the Union speech, he made only two vague references to mental health, despite it being an issue that impacts millions of Americans either directly or indirectly. There was no mention of increasing funding for mental health programs, no urging of Congress to explore ways to treat mental health more compassionately, and no message to communities encouraging them to find creative solutions to complex problems. Instead, mental health as an issue was largely ignored, as it often is.

Each year, an estimated 590,000 Americans, who would be receiving mental health care in a better system, fall through the cracks. Without proper resources and support systems, these people are at high risk for ending up in the country’s jails, prisons, homeless shelters, on city streets, and, too often, in the morgue. Even if we vote or choose to ignore the problem through reduced funding, decentralized resources, and archaic treatment, it’s an issue that won’t resolve itself. Although we’ve come a long way since the 18th century, the mental health system in America today is seriously flawed and in desperate need of attention.

 

From Mental Institutions to Prisons

If you talk to someone about how mental health care was performed in the past, he or she might scoff at the poor “treatment” some people received at mental institutions that were often indistinguishable from prisons. However, that same person might be surprised to learn that the largest single-facility provider of mental health services in the United States today is not a mental health facility, hospital, or community center at all. It is, in fact, the Cook County Jail in Chicago.

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In 2012, more than 350,000 people with mental health conditions were living in jails and prisons, whereas only about 35,000 people were treated in state-funded impatient psychiatric institutions. According to the 2012 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, almost 40% of adults diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar issues remained untreated in the previous year, and as many as 60% of adults diagnosed with a mental health concern went without any treatment. Of those who do manage to receive treatment, few get the level of care they need; the system nationwide is massively underfunded. Texas, for example, spends just $40 per capita on mental health care but in 2012 led all states in the number of prisoners in its jurisdiction. The historic relocation of many of those experiencing serious mental health issues from hospitals to streets to prisons, however, isn’t good fiscal policy, and it’s downright shameful from a human rights perspective, especially because it allows society to facilitate an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude toward the issue.

A majority of mental health experts agree that that the current system is in shambles, but, as was evident in the most recent State of the Union address, few significant efforts have been made to improve it. Now that you’ve read about some of the problems, let’s talk solutions. Here are four suggestions we believe would go a long way toward fixing the mental health care system:

1. Increase Mental Health Care Funding

Mental health concerns are estimated to cost the United States more than $444 billion each year. However, only about a third of those estimated costs actually go toward treatment. The majority the $444 billion is spent in the form of disability payments and lost productivity. The real cost to society as a whole is significantly higher, as this total doesn’t include the cost of incarceration or lost earnings for caregivers.

Despite the high cost to the country, mental health budgets are usually among the first to be cut in times of economic hardship. From 2009 to 2012, states cut $5 billion worth of mental health care services and the nation eliminated more than 4,500 public psychiatric hospital beds. Because of poor policy moves like this, in a crisis many people who experience serious mental health issues wind up in emergency rooms because there is no place else for them to go. When all other services have been cut, an emergency room is one of the few places where they won’t be turned away.

The reality is that by increasing rather than cutting mental health care budgets, the country would ultimately save billions. With increased budgets, people would have more access to care and be less likely to end up in emergency rooms, jails and prisons, homeless shelters, on the streets, or worse. Furthermore, many who need treatment and actually receive it will likely recover completely or be able to control symptoms enough to contribute to the economy by returning to work or by volunteering their time or services. This is not only good for the person who needs treatment, but also for their families, neighbors, and communities.

2. Provide Better Care and Services in Jails and Prisons

While this isn’t the ultimate answer, it’s sometimes best to heed the advice of Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” As previously stated, there are approximately 10 times more people with mental health issues incarcerated than there are being treated in state-funded hospitals. What is perhaps saddest about this statistic is that as states have cut funding for mental health services, they have increased funding for jails and prisons.

Many prisons have few, if any, mental health treatment options. Too often, prisoners don’t get the medication they need and they’re unlikely to receive therapy or any other type of meaningful support. Since prison beds appear to be replacing the beds in psychiatric units, trained mental health professionals should be employed in the penitentiaries, not just for brief evaluations but for continued care and support. Inmates should be given equal access to quality mental health care in order to give them a fair shot at making a recovery and reintegrating into society, which many studies have shown would lower recidivism and thus the burden on taxpayers. Until better alternatives come about, prison time should be used as an opportunity for healing and transformation.

3. Create More Community Centers and Inpatient Facilities

When the Community Mental Health Act was passed in 1963, officials proposed a national network of community-based mental health facilities to provide a point of access where people could quickly receive all forms of mental health care in the same place. This legislation led to the closing of several large, state-funded mental hospitals across the country, as it was thought these new community centers could drastically reduce treatment times and return people to society rather than keep them locked up in institutions. This was the last piece of legislation President Kennedy signed just weeks before his assassination, and while it ushered in a newfound optimism toward mental health care, its vision was never fully realized.

Regrettably, most of the necessary support for the proposed community mental health facilities was never provided, resulting in less than half of these centers being constructed and many people getting lost in the transition from state facilities to community-based facilities. Though much has changed in society since 1963, the vision of a comprehensive mental health care system is still an important one.

In addition to outpatient services, individuals experiencing mental health conditions deserve access to adequate inpatient care, supported housing, family therapy, and addiction services, as well as supported employment programs. These types of facilities are not only fiscally responsible, they localize treatment and make it easier for people to connect with the resources they need to improve their quality of life.

4. Provide Compassionate Care and Support

On the surface it appears lofty and idealistic, but this is perhaps the most important change we can make to improve mental health care. Many psychologists have attributed poor mental health outcomes in America to overmedication and lack of validation for the individual’s experience.

John Weir Perry was a Jungian-oriented psychiatrist with more than 40 years of clinical experience working with individuals experiencing psychosis and/or schizophrenia. He believed that the best way to care for an individual experiencing these conditions was to support the conditions themselves rather than trying to suppress or reverse them in any way. Through his clinical practice, he found that when a person’s experience was validated and supported in a positive way, even many of his most challenging patients would become reality-oriented within as little as two to six days. The integration phase that followed took about six to eight weeks on average. Perry found that 85% of the people he treated at Diabasis—an alternative crisis center he created—improved without any medication and continued to improve after leaving his facility.

This isn’t to argue against medication, as it can be a crucial factor in many peoples’ stabilization and recovery. The problem is, with a lack of funding for other options, many people seeking mental health treatment are sent home with bottles of rainbow-colored pills to treat their symptoms and are left with little or no therapeutic support to accompany them.

Providing compassionate, nonthreatening, and nonpathologizing care should be at the forefront of reform efforts.

We’re All Responsible for Mental Health Care

Even if all these suggestions were immediately implemented, there would still be many holes to fill to make the current system successful and equitable for those in need of treatment. These are just a few steps forward for policymakers and a system that is long overdue for a transformation.

Through the people we elect, the programs we lobby for funding, and the day-to-day interactions we have with people who inhabit this world with us, we’re all responsible for mental health care. Our greatest hope, and what will ultimately inspire more change, is that more people choose to become involved this year and every subsequent one.

References:

  1. Appelbaum, Paul S. (2014). How to rebuild America’s mental health system in 5 big steps. The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/29/-sp-fix-america-mental-health-system-ideas
  2. Dansky, Kara (2014). A Mental Health Crisis Shouldn’t End in a Jail Cell. The Nation. Retrieved from http://www.thenation.com/article/181924/mental-health-crisis-shouldnt-end-jail-cell
  3. Kliff, Sarah (2012). Seven Facts about America’s Mental Health Care System. The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2012/12/17/seven-facts-about-americas-mental-health-care-system/
  4. Szabo, Liz (2014). The Costs of Not Caring: Nowhere to go. The financial and human toll for neglecting the mentally ill. USA Today. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/05/12/mental-health-system-crisis/7746535/
  5. Whitaker, Robert (2010). Mad in America: Bad Science, Bad Medicine, and the Enduring Mistreatment of the Mentally Ill. Basic Books.
  6. Williams, Paris (2012). Rethinking Madness: Towards a Paradigm Shift in Our Understanding and Treatment of Psychosis. Sky’s edge Publishing.

Children shushing As the new year rolls on, I keep thinking about the idea of radical change. My first idea has to do with losing my temper with my kids. Here’s a radical thought: What if I just stopped?

The reason I blow up is because I think it will have the effect I’m looking for. I think the kids will realize I mean business and stop doing whatever they’re doing that’s bugging me. They will—and they should—take me seriously and be frightened into submission, because sometimes kids just need to follow their parents’ rules without backtalk or questioning. And that idea isn’t inherently wrong.

Except that it doesn’t work.

The way I remember it, when my dad yelled, my sisters and I hopped to it. His word was law, we respected it, and if he was mad, we feared him and obeyed. But my kids don’t respond that way. As soon as I get mad, they turn angry, fearful, and hurt. They either yell back and throw stuff, do what I’m asking them to do while sobbing theatrically, or run to their room and slam the door.

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Maybe I’m misremembering my childhood and it’s not true (although it seems that most of my peers agree) that kids used to blindly respect their parents. Or maybe we parent so differently today that we can’t expect—nor do we want—our kids to fear us. Perhaps it’s just me and I’ve spoiled my kids, who wouldn’t know obedience if it was an app on their i-gadgets. But whatever the case, losing my temper isn’t cutting it for me. And a lot of the time, my kids don’t really deserve my anger. They aren’t snorting coke or burning the house down, actions that warrant rage. They’re just being lazy, not listening well, or misbehaving—actions that call for consistent, clear rules and discipline rather than inchoate fury.

So, what if I stopped?

If the value I want to teach my kids is that my husband and I have rules that are there to keep them safe and healthy, and there are times when they need to follow our rules respectfully, then what’s the best way to teach that value? Is it by me acting out of control and nasty? Or is there a better way? Well, sure. Pretty much every parenting book out there will tell you that the best practice is to set rules, communicate them clearly, and have reasonable consequences for failing to comply. Research shows over and over that anger and putdowns (“What is wrong with you?” “Can’t you ever listen?” “You little brat!”) make our kids feel low self-esteem and therefore more likely to act out, or make them rebellious against us and therefore more likely to act out.

The next time I feel like yelling, instead I’m going to take a deep breath, walk away if necessary, regroup, and then state what I want to happen. I might even ask my daughter what she wants in the circumstance. For instance, my oldest has trouble turning off the TV. Sometimes, to be honest, I get lax on the TV-watching rules and let her go on too long, and by the time I’m ready for her to stop watching, she’s in full TV-junkie phase, watching glassy-eyed and seemingly unable to tear herself away. If, instead of demanding in increasingly loud tones that she step away from the remote, I can catch her attention and get her involved in the process, it works better. “I’d like you to get off the TV now and I know that’s hard for you. How should we handle it?” She generally answers with something unreasonable—“Let me watch until the end of this movie”—but at least then I can counter with another idea and we can meet in the middle. I usually get close to what I want, while at the same time she feels more respected and more involved in the decision.

I have to admit, it’s hard for me to imagine declaring that I’ll never blow up and following through on it. It feels, well, radical. We want to be able to be the final word in our own homes. We want to be able to lose it sometimes. To a certain extent, we want to be feared. And it’s OK to not always be that perfect, reasonable, calm-headed person the parenting books describe. Instead of shooting for perfection, I’m just going to commit to giving this new, no-explosions regime a shot. It seems like it’s going to feel good for everyone. And I’ll report back as to whether my house declines into anarchy, or whether the most recent parenting intelligence turns out to be true—that clarity and collaboration produce kids who (mostly) listen, are (often) respectful, and (usually) feel good about themselves.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.