We have been taught from a very young age that honesty is the best policy. We are taught to be honest in all our dealings, big or small. We are schooled never to lie. We are told repeatedly that honesty is the most important of all ethics. However, what people tend to forget to teach us is the importance of self-honesty.

Being true to yourself is very important. You can be honest with the world, but as long as you are not honest with yourself, you are not being fair. Give the most importance to what you think of yourself rather than what others think of you. You can justify to the world why you did what you did, but as long you are not honest with yourself, it can be difficult to find peace.

For example, an individual might treat someone unfairly to gain something that was not rightfully theirs in order to be looked well upon by others. But deep down, the person may know what they did was wrong.

If we can’t gather up the courage to be honest with ourselves, we may continue to exhibit the same behaviors. Self-honesty is a trait that holds immense importance.

What’s True Will Continue to Exist

Nothing in the world is constant. Everything changes. However, for something to exist forever, it has to be true and authentic. You are what your core is. No matter how much you coat it with colors to please the world, you will always be what you are at the core. Your core is your truth.

No matter how much you coat it with colors to please the world, you will always be what you are at the core. Your core is your truth.

You can pretend to be things people expect you to be, but when you are honest with yourself, you will be proud of who you are. You will portray your core without being afraid of what people think of you.

This is because, at the end of the day, you can hide your truth from the world but not from yourself. Being true to yourself is important if you wish to be proud of who you are.

You Become More Fearless

When you are honest with yourself, you accept your weaknesses and flaws. You may know what some of those are. You may know what you are capable of and what you aren’t capable of. With enough self-knowledge, people’s judgments about you can become less important.

You may become more fearless, because when you know your capabilities, the world and the opinions of others can’t put you down. If someone tells you that you can’t do something which you know you can do, your morale will likely stay unaffected, enabling you to continue towards your goals fearlessly.

You Gain More Clarity

You will have better clarity about the things you want in life when you are completely honest with yourself. Your real identity is something only you know, and it is most often up to you to decide what your life goals are. People may dictate your priorities for you, but you can be honest about your needs, your wishes, and your priorities with yourself, at least. With more clarity, you may be able to put in more effort and dedication to achieve what you wish for.

Relationships Become Healthier

Honesty is the foundation of any relationship. No relationship can survive without honesty. If you fail to be honest with yourself, how can you ever be honest with anyone else? If you hide the truth from yourself, how can you expect to share it with anyone else? It’s nearly impossible to be honest with anyone as long as you aren’t honest with yourself.

To have a long-lasting and a healthy relationship, you must ensure that you are offering the other person the ‘true you.’ Relationships thrive when their foundations are based on two people who are honest with themselves and each other.

Life Becomes Beautiful

We strive for a positive public opinion because we have started to believe that we are what people think we are. We try to hide our reality from the world because we think it might disqualify us from the ‘in-crowd.’ When you are honest with yourself, you start owning your reality, and you stop hiding behind the public opinion. The life you were previously trying to hide from everyone starts feeling beautiful.

Being honest with yourself can make life easier, less complicated, and a lot more beautiful. You become less dependent on others and more dependent on yourself. You start loving yourself with all your flaws, and that’s the turning point toward contentment and inner peace.

Some people experience strong feelings of self-rejection that make it difficult to pursue or appreciate their true self. If you’re having a hard time practicing self-honesty, it can help to speak with a licensed and compassionate therapist.

I always find it interesting, from both an ethical and clinical standpoint, that for many people, truth has degrees. There appears to be a spectrum of truth that people see. There is a field of gray between the black and white of “Is this true or not?” This goes for people I know personally as well as those I see in therapy.

What is truth? This is an age-old question. The answer tends to differ, depending on the person you’re asking. As humans, we seem to be able to justify anything. We may make up reasons or excuses to skew the truth or bend the reality of a situation to fulfill what we’re trying to accomplish. We might do this to clear our conscience, ease a sense of shame, or diminish our accountability.  In other words, things are “true” as we perceive them to be true.

What about authenticity? To be authentic means to be genuine, real, true to yourself. There’s that word again: true. To be authentic in a relationship means being real and true to your partner as well as yourself. When we are authentic, we are reliable and trustworthy. But we may each have our own versions of truth, and what we present as authentic, in this scenario.

The Identities We Construct

It never fails to amaze me how many secrets a person can keep from their partner, and for what reasons. My counseling practice for couples contains a “no secrets” policy, and I make couples seeking help aware of this. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Couples that come for counseling often have many layers of identity. They may present an altered version of themselves that they’ve created to get through their lives. The version of themselves they show to their partner may be far from genuine. Over the years they’ve constructed various personas: parent, employee, friend, child, and partner. These roles can come to feel like the true self. In other words, they become what they have made of themselves.

These personas are often a coping mechanism. They are a form of protection for those who are highly sensitive or easily wounded. People learn to construct an identity that helps shield them from further injury or trauma. They rely on this persona, which may change depending on circumstances, to hide their vulnerability.

This works in some situations, but it fails in others. When people show an edited version of themselves to the world, they often fail to develop areas of personality where they feel weak. As a result, they may not be able to fully evolve, or develop into full personhood.

When someone presents only a constructed version of the self to their partner, no matter how secure they are in the belief they are are being themselves, the relationship may lack an authentic emotional connection.

An edited persona can offer a sense of protection, so people may live under this pretense well into adulthood. An inauthentic self, or multiple selves, can make it easy for a person to adapt to any situation or circumstances. But living this way can create stress, self-doubt, and uncertainty about the future. People are also likely to worry a partner may not be able to love the “real” person inside, if they only know the “false” persona.

Living as a chameleon can cause a person to lose sight of their true nature. What’s more, the relationship itself is less authentic and vulnerable. Connection is important in relationships, both to create a sense of security and allow partners to be honest and vulnerable with one another. When an authentic connection is lacking, the relationship may feel unbalanced and off-kilter. Instead of simply being the best version of themselves, each partner is trying to be the best version of themselves for their partner. But when someone presents only a constructed version of the self, no matter how secure they are in the belief they are are being themselves, the relationship may lack an authentic emotional connection.

It can then become harder to remain focused on the relationship as a priority. Interactions can become strained, and conflict may become more frequent and more difficult to resolve. When conflict occurs, there are many layers to peel back, so getting to the real issue or heart of the matter becomes a challenge.

Working Toward Authenticity

When times get rough and the relationship faces challenges but has no resources to draw on, the constructed persona can begin to crumble under the pressure. The relationship begins to come apart because it has no basis in a real and vulnerable connection.

But repair is not impossible! Couples who seek help to address the problems and fix the relationship, trusting their partner to love who they really are, flaws and all, may find themselves learning to become more authentic and honest.

In therapy, this process can involve stripping away layers of persona to find the real truth (or self) underneath. As these constructs fall, the hidden self comes out. What is left is the raw, vulnerable person who has a real yearning for an emotional connection. All they want is to fix the issues in their relationship. They have a real yearning for an emotional connection. They learn to love that rawness in themselves and their partner. This can take their relationship to a completely new level.

When people decide to be that authentic with one another, it can be a total game-changer. When people learn they can love (and be loved!) for who they are, truly and authentically, they change.  The conversations change, and the emotions deepen. All of those varying faces a person has shown can be seen as parts that merge into a whole person, once they become vulnerable and authentic to their core.

So the real truth, as I see it, is that there’s only one truth. There’s only one of us. Who we are and who we will become when we are vulnerable, raw, and authentic—that is a truer version of ourselves than we’ve ever known before. Yes, it can be hard, painful, and frustrating to break through to this truth. But what I hear from the people I work with, more often than not, is that doing so is worth all of this. It’s worth everything to live a genuine and authentic life, to have a true relationship with one’s partner.

But this transformation is only possible with a deepened commitment, not only to one’s partner, but also to one’s own self. We must be willing to see it through and live that authentic life. If we can withstand the process, the results can transform us.

If you are finding it difficult to become more authentic, with yourself or with your partner, a compassionate and qualified counselor can help you begin.

Frustrations and disappointments are all too common for those who engage in modern dating. Mutual interest and attraction alone can be difficult to find, especially as online dating becomes more of a norm. Sometimes there might not even be an opportunity to really determine whether or not there is a mutual interest.

Given the amount of frustration and pain that can result from the dating experience, it may make sense to consider what we can do to make the experience less painful all around.

Of course, it isn’t possible to control or change other people. What we can do is to save ourselves the pain of a guilty conscience while simultaneously saving others from the pain of being treated poorly.

Consider some of the following common dating behaviors—and more ethical alternatives that honor the universal golden rule: the idea of treating others with the kindness and respect we wish to be treated with.

Ghosting

One common experience in the dating arena is blowing someone off, or “ghosting,” as it is sometimes called. It’s true that the experience of looking at numerous dating profiles and talking to potential dates can be overwhelming, and responding to every interested suitor is often not feasible. [fat_widget_right]

Choosing not to respond to a communication from someone you are not interested is not unethical behavior, but if you have engaged in some sort of substantive communication with someone, perhaps even met them for a date, ghosting that person after they have invested time and emotional energy into getting to know you can amount to treating that person poorly. (This does not include instances where a person harassed or threatened you, disrespected your boundaries, or made you feel otherwise unsafe.)

Ghosting behavior can communicate the message, “Your feelings mean nothing to me.” If you find you are not interested in continuing the process of getting to know someone after there has been substantial conversation or an initial date, a better way to handle the situation might be sending a simple message letting them know you have lost interest. You might also choose to include a brief and tactful explanation as to why, if appropriate.

For example, if after a first date you realize you aren’t interested, you might send a message saying, “Thank you for taking the time to meet me. I am sorry to tell you I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry. I wish you luck!” This message will take little time and gives you the satisfaction of knowing you’re not leaving a loose end. Further, you are saving the other person from the potential emotional pain of being in the dark about where you stand or why you lost interest.

Benching

Another dating practice that can potentially cause pain, sometimes referred to as “benching,” involves sending mixed messages that can effectively lead a person on by not letting them know where you really stand or your true goals with regard to dating.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity. Toying with a person’s feelings and sending mixed messages can simply be different versions of the same behavior: In short, you are not being clear and honest about your true intentions.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity.

As an alternative, why not simply be honest? If you aren’t ready for or interested in anything more than a casual relationship (for example, you would like to have sex with the other person), tell them so and let them make an informed choice about the matter. They could very well feel the same way, and a mutually beneficial “friends with benefits” type of relationship could ensue. It could also be that a purely sexual relationship, or “fling,” is the last thing the other person wants. By being honest about your intentions, you avoid burdening your own conscience, but more importantly, you can avoid inflicting others with undue pain by giving them all the information and letting them make their own choice.

Exploitation

Another unethical behavior may be more difficult to spot or even recognize in yourself. What I’m referring to is the exploitation of another person’s interest.

Consider, for example, this situation: You have been honest with a person you have been seeing about your lukewarm interest, expressed the absence of romantic feelings on your part, and conveyed that your interest is perhaps only in a physical, non-exclusive relationship. The other person has agreed to these terms.

On the surface, this scenario might seem just fine. After all, you were honest about your feelings, and the other person agreed to the level of involvement. And it might, in fact, be fine. But it can become unethical if, say, the other person is harboring secret hopes that you’ll “come around” to the idea of a relationship and/or that their feelings for you will eventually “catch” and be reciprocated, and you realize this but let things continue as they have been.

If it becomes clear the other person has feelings for you and may be going along with your proposition and the level of involvement you have expressed being interested in, hoping you might change your mind and want an actual relationship, the best thing to do may be to end the involvement. Continuing it could not only lead to an exploitation of the other’s unwillingness to end something that isn’t quite what they are looking for, but also consider that by being less than honest about what they truly want and/or their relationship needs, the other person is not respecting your needs.

At this point, the best action may be to simply let the other person know something just doesn’t feel right and end the relationship.

In Summary

Some may find it easy to attribute certain dating practices to individuals on basis of gender, but generally speaking, I do not believe any gender in particular is more or less at fault when it comes to to dating behaviors that may be inconsiderate or unkind. We can all work to treat other people with greater kindness and respect. The dating experience tends to contain enough pain and frustration on its own without the additional layer of pain we can add by treating others carelessly, whatever our intentions. Those who are dating may find it helpful to keep the golden rule in mind. Consider how you would feel if someone ghosted you.

If you find you sometimes engage in behaviors you are not proud of, behaviors that don’t line up with your values, you can work to address these by finding a skilled psychotherapist who can empathize with you for the ways you may have been treated poorly while also helping you understand and resolve the underlying drivers of your own behaviors.

References:

1. Hogi, F. (2016, August 15). Ghosting, benching, and zombieing – A modern dater’s guide. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/francesca-hogi/ghosting-benching-and-zom_b_11458718.html
2. McNamara, B. (2016, June 9). “Benching” is the cruel new dating trend that’s even worse than ghosting. Teen Vogue. Retrieved from https://www.teenvogue.com/story/benching-dating-trend-ghosting
3. Young, S. (2016, December 20). Ghosting, benching, and DTR: What these 13 popular dating terms really mean. Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-relationship-terms-terms-what-they-mean-game-ghosting-benching-dtr-fbo-thirst-trap-a7486511.html