Being considered a “perfect child” by one’s parents feels fantastic. Basking in the glow from parents’ approval and love can feel safe and special, like one is living in a magical world where everyone is happy and satisfied. These feelings are very seductive. The child is usually not aware that they pay a price in order to maintain the parents’ continued extraordinary approval. That price is the giving up of one’s unique sense of self in order to comply and be the child and then the adult that the parents adore. Being kept on a pedestal distracts from being aware that one has wants and needs that are not defined by one’s loving parents. This interference with developing an individual self can result in difficult and/or empty relationships as one becomes an adult.

Here is Grace’s story. After Grace and I said our goodbyes during our last session, after 5 years of working together in therapy, I began to think about her journey from the pedestal to the development of a unique self. Grace had become a person with her own separate, individual needs, thoughts, and feelings.

Grace came to see me for therapy when she was 28 years old. She was a pretty young woman who described herself as feeling depressed and confused. She told me she was unhappy with herself and her life. She expressed puzzlement about her feelings, as she described herself as having a successful job, good friends, and a wonderful family. She wished she had a steady boyfriend, but she dated and had been in two almost-year-long relationships. Those relationships “just sort of petered out” and she wasn’t sure why. She shrugged and said, “Something seems off about my life. Nothing feels satisfying; I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

As Grace and I worked together in therapy, Grace began to describe how she always felt her life was wonderful. She was an only child and was especially close with her mother, who always referred to her as the perfect child. She told me that she felt special to both her mother and father. They idolized her and believed she could do no wrong. In fact, she told me she did no wrong. She was happy to do whatever they asked: set the table, be home on time, practice piano, not hang out with friends they felt were not a good influence. Grace felt her parents knew what was best for her and she complied.

In therapy, Grace began to talk about how it felt to be seen as so perfect by her parents. She told me she really liked it. She felt safe and loved when they would tell their friends what a good daughter she was. They were so proud of her good grades and her outstanding abilities on the piano and flute. When I asked Grace if she had ever felt like skipping piano practice or coming home later than expected, she looked surprised by the questions as if such behavior was unimaginable. Then she responded that she never behaved that way.

One day, Grace came to our session wondering about why she didn’t have any differences with her parents. She noted, for example, that most of her friends went away to college. She went to a local school and lived at home. She had no memory of wanting to go away to school but realized that now she regretted staying home for college. Grace’s sense of regret about her life began to pervade our work. Over time, Grace posed a number of questions to herself and to me.

Grace wondered if she didn’t consider the possibility of going away to school because she knew her parents wanted her to stay home. She wondered if she majored in music because her parents were so thrilled with her music making. She wondered why she went with her parents on vacations rather than taking vacations with her friends in college. One day Grace began to cry in our session. She was remembering her middle school friend Fran, who her parents didn’t like. They told her she should stop seeing Fran when they overheard her use a curse word. In our session, Grace became angry at herself and her parents. “How could I have agreed to such a thing? Fran was my best friend!” I asked Grace why she thought she should go along with her parents. What did she think would happen if she asserted what she wanted? Sobbing, Grace said she didn’t know. Her parents were good people; they loved her, why couldn’t she say what she wanted to them? Then, Grace stopped crying and gasped: “Oh! I would disappoint them.” I asked “What would be so terrible about disappointing them?” Grace looked very sad and was silent for a long time. Then she looked at me, tears returning to her eyes: “I wouldn’t be the perfect child!”

As Grace and I explored what it would mean to give up being the perfect child, it became clear that such an idea was frightening to her. She loved the feeling of making her parents glow when they saw her. She believed she kept them happy as long as she continued to be their good and perfect child. If she stopped being compliant and who they needed her to be, she worried they would become sad and hurt, and she believed this would harm them. She also would feel guilty. Talking about Grace’s concern and need to keep her parents happy led Grace to the realization that she not only wanted to make them happy, but she was worried that if she didn’t keep them happy, they wouldn’t continue to think of her as so amazingly special. Grace began to understand that to give this up felt like she would be losing their love. She was willing to consider, however, that in fact, she probably wouldn’t lose their love, but that maybe it wouldn’t continue to feel that she was quite so amazing.

Feeling less anxious about the idea that her parents would be hurt and that she would not be loved, Grace began to notice that the way she related to the people in her life was similar to the way she related to her parents. She didn’t like to disappoint or make anyone in her life unhappy. She considered whether the people in her life seemed to like her so much because she always went along. She realized that she didn’t express what she wanted if she knew it would conflict with others. One day she excitedly came into our session and said “I think the reason my relationships with men don’t work out for me is that they never really get to know who I am because I never know what I want and I am always avoiding conflict.” She said with a smile, “I am never satisfied because nothing that happens in the relationship is about me!”

Grace’s smile told me a lot. I congratulated her on the discovery she made and our work turned to focus on Grace’s wishes, desires, and needs for herself in the world. While Grace was eager to embark on a journey of discovery to learn more about herself, she was understandably anxious about how this would affect the relationships she was in. Would the people she was close to, her parents, friends, and new boyfriend, still want her in their lives? Would they love her? Would she hurt and disappoint them? Would it feel like love to her if she didn’t feel she was the most special person to the other in the relationship? These were all important and real issues that Grace would have to contend with.

Over the next 2 years, Grace gradually began to learn what she wanted and liked, what she hated, and what thrilled her. She discovered a passion for cooking and went to school to train as a chef. She weathered her parents’ disappointment that she gave up a career as a musician. And she came to believe she had the right to recognize and follow her own dreams. Her parents didn’t glow as much as they did when Grace first came to therapy, but they didn’t stop loving her.

Grace’s friendships changed. Over time and in spite of her anxiety, Grace pushed herself to reveal more of her wants and feelings as she tested the waters and developed more of a voice with her friends. Some welcomed this new Grace and were excited to learn more about her and make room for another voice. Others were not so welcoming to this new assertive Grace, and some friendships didn’t last. Grace’s dating life changed too. She felt more engaged with her boyfriend. She said “Now the relationship is about us because I am more of a whole person.”

When Grace described her new feelings and new ways of relating, she realized that she is much less compliant as a way of being in the world. She no longer felt perfect in her relationships. She knew she had to continue fighting her resistance to keep her needs quiet. Now Grace feels much more authentic with her family and friends.

Grace often smiles at me ruefully and sighs: “I do sometimes miss the feeling of being so special. Now I struggle to express what I want and it’s hard to accept that sometimes my needs aren’t met. But it is worth it. What I didn’t have, that I do have now, is I feel like a person. I usually know what I want and how to get it. I am not so scared that people won’t like me or that I will disappoint someone. In my relationships, I try to talk about what I want and feel. Sometimes it’s hard, like when I have a fight with my boyfriend or when I feel my parents disapprove of my decisions. But now I make decisions. I don’t go along automatically. I like me. How wonderful is that!”

Grace terminated therapy with the ability to continue the process of discovering and growing her unique self. While she was not yet able to assert herself as much as she wished, she was committed to the struggle to tolerate her uncomfortable feelings and risk that others might not always have the feelings she wished they would have.

That is very wonderful!

Related articles:
The Undeveloped Self and the Difficulty of Relationship
The Pink Elephant of Perception
The Fear of Hurting the Other and the Inhibition of Self

Now that you understand how codependency develops in a family surrounding a dysfunctional person, what are you supposed to do next?

Many people have said to me in therapy, “Joyce, now that I understand where my fear of abandonment comes from, how do I stop being so scared of it that I mess up my relationships?”

You can learn to do this, but it certainly isn’t easy. As you go through this series of codependency workbook articles, you may feel uneasy when you try on new behaviors. It’s okay. Try to give yourself permission to be awkward. You don’t have to do everything perfectly. Ideally, you have a therapist available to you or, at minimum, a 12-step program and a supportive friend.

The first step in my series of workbook exercises is to write out or to record a statement about how your family is dysfunctional. I know that you do not wish to dwell in the past, nor do I wish to bring up so many painful memories for you. However, to begin your healing, it is important to face some of the things that you have successfully survived. Denial or constricting your feelings will not help you get to where you want to go.

Try to answer some of these questions in writing:

1. How is your family dysfunctional? Is there addiction, mental illness, physical illness, poverty, sexual abuse, something else, or a combination of these things?
2. Is it one or both parents? Stepparents?
3. Were your parents able to assume most of the normal parental duties? If not, did they get done? If so, who did them? If not, how did that affect you?
4. Did odd things happen that you began to see as normal? If so, what?
5. Were you afraid to have friends over? Did your parent(s) ever embarrass, scare, or anger you?
6. Did family members walk on eggshells to try to avoid an explosion? If so, did they happen anyway?

Okay, I think you get the idea. Some people choose to write their family history in the form of a letter to their parent or guardian. You don’t necessarily have to send it. You can revise it, and it will at least help you begin the process of identifying your feelings. People who are codependent usually learn to constrict their feelings in a vain attempt to keep everything calm. When people write out or record their histories, they often feel angry, sad, scared, and/or hurt.

If you share those painful feelings with your therapist, your sponsor, or a supportive friend, you will find that after letting them out, you will feel some relief. Yes, it is painful, but avoiding it is even more painful in the long run.

If there were a website where people could post their family histories, you would find out that there would be many similar stories. You would realize that you are not alone. Those of you who have found your way to a 12-step program like Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous already know this. Isn’t it a relief?

Take out a sheet of paper or a notebook or a computer and start writing your family history. If you choose to do this in the form of a letter, then tell them that you are writing this letter to let them know what it was like for you to grow up in your home with them. Or, if you prefer, start with a title like “Growing up in my family.”

If hope is the thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson said, then trust floats on gossamer wings.

Most people lose that child-like trust with the end of a first love, but not all. I have known a handful of souls who maintained it until death, or appeared to, but it’s certainly not the norm. Life intrudes on the fantasy that someone will be an all-loving, supportive parent. Paradoxically, if you had toxic parents, it’s even harder to relinquish this desire as yearning for a kinder, gentler life becomes a mission to get what you missed as a child.

Whether trust is broken by an affair, an addiction, or the gradual departure of someone’s heartfelt interest, it requires a radical shift in your world view. Emotionally adjusting to that cognitive terra incognita takes time and energy, but is worth it as it builds maturity and a commitment to being responsible for yourself.

At the end of the day, if you truly trusted someone and found out he or she was unworthy of that level of faith, you may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and feel wary of everyone. That’s OK. It’s temporary. When you have been badly burned it’s natural to fear fire. Eventually, you will allow people into your heart again. You may never trust anyone else 100%. That’s fine,  because the real task is learning to trust yourself. Before we explore ways to build self trust, let’s look at what trust entails.

Trust may mean your parent, child, mate, friend, business partner will:

• Take care of you when you’re sick or old.
• Tell you the truth.
• Treat you kindly.
• Be faithful.
• Keep your secrets.
• Honestly, and with compassion, share most of their thoughts, feelings, and personal information.
• Listen to your thoughts, opinions, and concerns.
• Have your best interests at heart.

Everyone has their own notion of what trust feels like. On some level, trust is having faith in someone else’s ability to truly know and support you. This may mean nurturing, protecting, listening, contributing financially, knowing what you are thinking without you having to say it, anticipating your desires, etc. As you can see, it’s a tall order. The most realistic approach is to hope someone who loves you will do their best, most of the time, to act for your highest good. It doesn’t hurt to remember that everyone is after their own happiness, and they will usually put that before yours. So, if the relationship is reciprocal and they feel they are getting most of what they want, they will make a bigger effort to please you. If not, they will have less incentive.

There are two important things to remember about trust:

1. Your decision to trust someone is a gift to you, not to them. You do it for peace of mind.
2. If they betray you, it is a reflection of who they are, and says nothing about you.

If you have been betrayed and your trust was breached, it may be a good idea to use the above concepts as mantras until they become automatic. When something bad happens, it is all too easy to let feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and grief distort your perception. Thinking more clearly will change your feelings from anger, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, depression, and anxiety to acceptance, optimism, sadness, and concern, all of which will help you adjust to a new reality.

Trusting yourself is much harder than handing yourself over to someone else. After all, you came into the world as a helpless infant who needed adult care and attention, so on some very deep level, it’s tempting to want to feel fully nurtured by someone. Since everyone has some abandonment issues, this desire is heightened by the fear that those we love the most will eventually leave. The good news is until you drop the body, as they say in India, you can always count on yourself. It may take a lot of practice to prove to yourself you are truly capable of healthy self-care, but you are. Keep at it and the emotional rewards will accrue, until, one day, you will automatically guide yourself towards self-loving thoughts and behaviors.

How can you build inner security and self-trust?

• Patiently accept your own pace as you move forward in your journey.
• Take responsibility for yourself emotionally, financially, physically, socially, intellectually, vocationally, and spiritually.

Practice supportive self-talk by saying loving things to yourself. Even if you are lucky enough to have friends, family, or a therapist who repeatedly tells you calming, helpful things, there is something deeply soothing about being able to hear those words in your head, and comfort yourself with them anytime—knowing you really mean them. Either way, the more you hear them, the more quickly they will become second nature, eventually eclipsing the cacophony of internal self-downing you may have been immersed in for as long as you can remember.

Everything, no matter how awful it might feel in the moment, is for your highest good and personal evolution. When you are struggling, miserable, grief-stricken, and saturated with anxiety, it seems almost impossible to remember this deep truth. Even if you don’t believe it, just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will see the way life constantly shifts and changes. It’s just like a seesaw, only now, you know you are the fulcrum.

Even when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they love. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong “I am a bad person” feelings. As a result, we may avoid saying what is on our mind and put aside our own feelings and needs. This inhibiting of the self can be harmful to our relationships and can create the conditions for developing anxiety and depression.

Marlene, a 27 year old married woman, came into my therapy office feeling anxious and depressed. She described how unhappy she was in her marriage to Ben. She told me she loved her husband but was feeling like she was in a straight jacket. If she expressed a need that conflicted with his wishes, his feelings would get hurt. She couldn’t tell him that she didn’t want to play tennis with him every weekend or that she was tired of going out every Friday night with his friends from work. She explained to me that when she told him these things, he told her that she made him feel unimportant, criticized and pushed away. She felt ashamed that she was the cause of his feeling so terrible. She would apologize to him and try to keep her feelings to herself, but then she would attack herself and feel like a bad person. She was shutting herself down and feeling depressed. She also reported that when she was aware of a need that she felt she shouldn’t express to Ben, she would get anxious for fear that she couldn’t contain herself.

What Marlene described to me suggested that she had issues she needed to work on as an individual and that as we did this she would be more able to address the difficulties in her relationship with Ben.

While Ben might be particularly subject to feeling hurt or slighted, Marlene’s inability to tolerate hurting Ben and talk with him about these issues, made the relationship difficult. It also became apparent as I spoke with Marlene that she suffered in all of her relationships by worrying how she was impacting on everyone. She had never considered that we all hurt people, even those we love, unintentionally. She didn’t understand that it is impossible to be in a relationship without hurting those we love. When I suggested this to her, it didn’t make sense.  How could she possibly bear watching Ben be so hurt? She would have to give him what he wanted.

As Marlene and I talked, I wondered what made it so painful for Marlene to consider that something she said or did had the unintended consequences of hurting someone she cared about. I asked Marlene how she thought she got the idea that it was totally unacceptable to hurt someone she loved. We also explored Marlene’s idea that when someone feels hurt they are horribly harmed. Marlene thought my questions were strange. How could it not be painful to see someone you love hurting because of you? How could you not feel like a very bad person? Of course hurt causes terrible damage. I replied that it was appropriate to feel sorry or sad that you had been the cause of someone’s hurt, but that it didn’t have to make you feel like such a bad person. I said that you can’t always be sure how the hurt is affecting someone unless you are told or ask.  Each hurt is different. I said that these experiences could be talked about and the other person might be able to listen and understand the intent. I added that this was something she could work on with Ben.

Marlene considered my ideas with some skepticism. She remembered how her mother would get so hurt when she was little. She had one memory where her mother started to cry and tell her how hurt she was when Marlene didn’t like the dress she was given for her sixth birthday. She recalled how her mother told her how much Marlene hurt her feelings and how could Marlene not appreciate all the time and money her mother had spent to pick out such a perfect dress. Marlene remembered how scared she was when her mother was so distraught and how much shame she felt to have done such harm to make her mother feel that way.

Over the many months that Marlene and I continued to talk in therapy, she began to make connections between how her mother, on many occasions would be hurt if Marlene didn’t have the “right” response. She became clearer that she would do anything to ensure that she was not the cause of her mother’s distress. In fact, Marlene had given herself the job of making her mother happy. As Marlene became aware of this, she also began to realize that with her strong need to keep her mother happy and not cause her any hurt or distress, she had learned to overlook her own needs and desires, especially when they conflicted with what she knew her mother needed.

When Marlene talked about how she had learned to disregard her own wishes and squelch her own voice, she started to make connections to her behavior with Ben. Her fear of increasing Ben’s hurt when their needs conflicted, gave way to the idea that maybe she could talk with Ben about this. She recognized that Ben’s reaction when he was hurt was nothing like her mother’s intensely distraught response. Perhaps, there was a way for them to talk and negotiate and consider both of their needs.

In fact, Ben was surprised to learn that Marlene was scared to assert her needs for fear of hurting him. He told her that even though he felt hurt, he didn’t feel she had done any harm to him. He told Marlene that he didn’t think he was so fragile. He thought he could try to consider that when she expresses her needs, it didn’t have to mean that she was dismissing him. He told her he wanted to keep talking about this. He knew he could get hurt easily, but he didn’t want it to affect Marlene by causing her to inhibit her thoughts and feelings.

Marlene continues to come to therapy to work on becoming more comfortable expressing her own thoughts and feelings and dealing with her impact on those around her. She has gotten much better at dealing with conflict and asking for what she wants in the world. She is worrying less about being a bad person.  Marlene has become more tolerant of herself and more respectful of her right to say what she wants. She is increasingly able to say no to what someone she cares about wants and risk the possibility that they will feel hurt. As she is able to allow fuller expression to her true voice, she is feeling less anxious and depressed. She and Ben are doing better at talking with each other and they are much more able to address the conflicts between their needs in a constructive and loving way.

When we become overly interested and vigilant about the impact we have on others and design our behaviors to make sure they don’t have feelings we can’t tolerate, we are putting our authentic selves on hold. This denial of who we are causes us to build up feelings consciously and unconsciously. Preventing ourselves from expressing what we think and feel, and shutting up our true selves, puts us at risk for anxiety and depression. If we can learn to become more comfortable with how we impact others, and address what we think our impact is, instead of trying to control the other’s feelings, we will be promoting the development of our true selves.

We are taught from the earliest of ages that good communication is imperative. In both subtle, and direct ways, we are taught to be competitive when we communicate. Simultaneously, we are told to be cooperative.  What an impossible task–to be cooperative and competitive at the same time.

The conundrum we are all faced with has its roots in two complex social environments: those having hierarchy structures, and those which do not. Hierarchical institutions include schools, our family of origin, the family we create, workplaces, churches and government as the most common. Within those institutions we learn the power of the politics and practice of competitive communication. (more…)

When we describe the relationship between mother and infant, we understand that baby and mother are one. In that symbiotic relationship, there is merger. There are not two separate selves with their own subjectivities who are relating to one another. (One’s subjectivity is the unique way in which we perceive our self and the world.) Our selves and subjectivities develop as we grow from infant to child to adolescent to adult.  When two people come together with their subjectivities, they are relating as two different people. When the processes of separation and individuation have been problematic, the development of one’s unique subjectivity is impaired. The ability to consider someone else’s subjectivity is also not developed. This makes relationship difficult. When a self is undeveloped in a relationship, there is no “other” to connect to.

Ken has been married for 15 months to Ellen. They met when he was finishing law school and she was teaching at the local high school. Ken loved her. She was smart and pretty and Ken was excited about making a life with her and starting a family.  Ken was an optimist and nothing seemed more wonderful to him than the thought of their future together. It came as a shock when Ellen told Ken that she didn’t want to be married to him any more. She said it was nothing about him, but that she was just not as happy as she wanted to be and thought they should end the marriage. This was what Ken told me when he came to see me for therapy. (more…)

Alcoholism, known more clinically as “alcohol dependence syndrome,” is characterized by craving, loss of control, and physical dependence. People with alcohol addiction can have negative impacts on those with whom they associate. Research has shown that children of people with alcohol addiction can develop some personality traits that may impact their lives as adults.

Here are 12 common characteristics of adult children of people with alcohol addiction as described by Woititz (1988):

1. They guess what normal behavior is.
2. They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. They judge themselves without mercy.
5. They have difficulty having fun.
6. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
7. They overreact to changes over which they have no control.
8. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
9. They usually feel that they are different from other people.
10. They are super responsible or super irresponsible.
11. They are extremely loyal, even when loyalty is undeserved.
12. They are impulsive.

Research shows that adult children of people with alcohol addiction are at risk of having their own alcohol addiction, abusing drugs, and attempting or committing suicide. Also, they may develop patterns of compulsive behavior such as overeating and other eating issues.  And adult children of people with alcohol addiction often marry people with the same addiction.

If you are an adult child of a parent who is addicted to alcohol, remember that you are not alone. Millions of people have grown up in families with alcohol-related problems. Because of the environment they grew up in, they had to develop certain skills in order to survive:

• Resilience
• Ability to take charge
• Problem solving
• Loyalty
• Hard worker
• Ability to respond well in crisis

Remember: You are not responsible for the alcohol abuse or violence in your family. If you are feeling overwhelmed, have strong feelings of depression and anxiety, or if you are consuming excessive amounts of alcohol or other drugs, get help. Seek support of family and friends, find a recovery group, or speak to a mental health professional.

The term “spiritual bankruptcy” is a word used in the rooms of 12-step programs to characterize addicts who have lost their connection to “higher power.” One dictionary definition describes spiritual bankruptcy as “a state of complete lack of some abstract property.” Recently, I’ve been pondering what I believe “spiritual bankruptcy” means and how it appears in the people I know personally and treat in my practice.

If I were to think of the personal qualities of someone who seems to be spiritually bankrupt, what comes to mind is despair. The spiritually bankrupt person cannot envision a future different from the present. The spiritually bankrupt person has lost his/her moral compass and makes poor choices. The spiritually bankrupt person is self-absorbed and often oblivious of the effects of his/her actions on others.

As I write this, these qualities are sounding an awful lot like how I would describe someone who is deeply depressed. And I also wonder, what’s chicken and what’s egg. Does someone become depressed because he/she is spiritually bankrupt or is it the other way around?

People become depressed for many reasons including genetics, life circumstances and temperament (sensitivity). Can we say that a person who has faith and is deeply spiritual will never become depressed? That faith and being spiritually grounded will always be the antidote to depression?

I’m not so sure. But what I do know is that those who have faith, who are connected to the God of their understanding, who have a relationship with a higher power do recover from bouts of depression faster and more completely.

The reasons for this I believe are that a spiritually connected person knows somewhere in the depths of his/her being that the depression is temporary, an aberration as opposed to a constant and permanent state of being. The spiritually connected person can look at the depression as holding value for him/her, perhaps in the form of some opportunity for deeper understanding of self and life.

In other words, the spiritually grounded person may not succumb to the same level of despair or lack of hope that someone without a spiritual connection might.

In my particular faith (Yoruba), we believe each individual has a destiny and it is his/her obligation to fulfill that destiny. Everything is part of it, including sadness, pain and even depression. Depression is not viewed as punishment for wrong doing or as some moral failure. Knowing that can be a strong hedge against losing that connection to higher power. It is a hedge against the sort of spiritual bankruptcy I started out describing in paragraph one.

We must each find our own spiritual path. Our beliefs can take many forms. We can be a part of many different spiritual and religious communities. But one thing all religions and spiritual paths have in common is the presence of the divine. A spiritual connection can help people feel a greater sense of fulfillment in life. The emphasis is on the “fill” in the word fulfillment. It is one of the best remedies for that deep-seated emptiness that many people feel. We as humans, by connecting to our spiritual selves, have the opportunity to compensate for what we never received in our families of origin and perhaps from society.

Starting the day with fibromyalgia pain made Vera angry

Fibromyalgia made it hard for 46 year old Vera to get her legs out of bed in the morning. As she moved toward the bathroom and began her toilette, the pangs of pain moved to her hands, head and neck. It brought tears to her eyes. It made her angry to think that Kurt hadn’t even thought of organizing things around the house to make life a little easier for her. Vera remembered the arguments about accompanying her on doctor appointments and got even angrier. But she never said anything to him. She turned her mind to the support group she would attend later that day, although it wasn’t successful in easing her physical discomfort.

Vera found it easier to focus on the fibromyalgia pain than her scary emotions

As she ate breakfast, flashbacks of her early family file flooded Vera’s vision. She relived the tension she used to feel coming home from school wondering if her parents would fight out loud or give each other the cold shoulder. Her mother would take out her frustration on Vera the oldest and quietest of her kids. Her muscles tightened up as she recalled the fear of uncertainty and not knowing how to speak about her worries. It was the same thing now. She didn’t know how to talk about the anxiety of not being able to take care of herself. Vera had no words for the anger at her father for not making her mother happy, and at Kurt for being equally insensitive and uncaring. What she did have was body pain that ranged from dull aches to excruciating pain for which no specific organic cause had been found. Fibromyalgia was the diagnosis. It came with fatigue, slowing down of actions and restricting her life. It was making Vera dependent on pain medication and on a husband who let her down, repeating the cycle of her childhood. (more…)

“For years it lay in an iron box buried so deep inside me that I was never sure just what it was. I knew it carried slippery, combustible things more secret than sex and more dangerous than any shadow or ghost. … I saw things I knew no little girl should see. Blood and shattered glass. Piles of skeletons and blackened barbed wire with bits of flesh stuck to it…The iron box contained a special room for my mother and father, warm and moist as a greenhouse. They lived there inside me, rare and separate from other beings. … I knew my parents had crossed over a chasm … The box became a vault, collecting in darkness, always collecting; pictures, words, my parent’s glances, becoming loaded with weight. It sank deeper as I grew older, so packed with undigested things that finally it became impossible to ignore.”
-Helen Epstein, Children of the Holocaust

(more…)

How does growing up in a dysfunctional family affect us as adults? For adult children of addicts, the behaviors and beliefs that enabled us to survive as children can cause us a myriad of problems in adulthood. These patterns are so ingrained and automatic that we do them without even realizing it, and changing any of them can provoke anxiety and fear. They seem like a lifeline, but in adulthood, they become an albatross around our necks.

The degree to which we are affected depends on the level of dysfunction in the addicted parent and the other parent’s ability or inability to protect us. Some people who are addicted to substances are better parents than others. Some addicts may be able to function as a parent some of the time, and even when drinking may try to show an interest in their children. Others may be gone most of the time and be mean or even violent when they are home. A minority of non-addicted parents may seek help and be honest with us about what is happening in our home. They may be mature enough to put their own feelings aside to do what is best for us. Other parents may deny what is happening and try to put us in an adult role, which adds to our harm.

Consequences as Adults
The majority of adults from dysfunctional families find it difficult or impossible to trust people, especially in close relationships. Since they were often emotionally abandoned by one or both parents, they are terrified of being abandoned as adults. Loving someone makes them feel vulnerable, which is very frightening. To avoid this fear and anxiety, they often keep their feelings inside and don’t share who they really are with their partner.

If there is a problem or conflict they don’t talk about it—why would they? They have never seen two mature adults fight fair, so they don’t believe that it is possible. If they make it to therapy, it’s usually because they’re dragged in by their partner. Due to their fear of abandonment, they question their partner constantly about fidelity, even when they have no reason to. This often drives the partner away.

Most adult children of addicts have very lopsided relationships. People with codependency feel responsible for everyone who needs help and tend to attract friends and lovers who under-function. They are totally focused on everyone’s needs but their own, which keeps them from knowing themselves and what they need and want. Self-care is a foreign language. They work very hard and then feel hurt, resentful, and used.

People with codependency constantly question their own judgment. Some may check frequently with others. In therapy, they tend to ask me often if certain behaviors are normal. This lack of confidence in their judgment comes from the hideous scenes that happened in their family: where a parent was drunk, had a manic episode, or some similar incident, and the next day the family behaved as though it never happened.

People with codependency can struggle with self-esteem and feel chronically inadequate. They set impossible goals for themselves and then refuse help, which they see as weak or shameful. They often feel overwhelmed but keep it a secret so that nobody knows they’re suffering until they burst at the seams. Often, this is the crisis that first gets them to a therapist. They may be trying to juggle a ridiculously impossible schedule: they may work full time, go to school full time, have several children, and a dysfunctional partner to take care of. Often, they don’t realize how hectic their own life is, because they never think about it. They are too preoccupied with other people’s lives.

This is a continuation of last month’s article, “Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?” After learning to identify self-destructive behavior in ourselves, we can explore why we do it and the possible motivations behind vicious cycles of attacking ourselves. It may come from past trauma, abuse, neglect, or a number of other things that may have caused low self-esteem. Below are seven reasons people attack themselves.

1. Imitating Parents
We all learn how to take care of ourselves from imitating how our parents or other caretakers take care of us. When parents or caretakers attack children emotionally, verbally, or physically, children learn to attack themselves like their parents do. Practicing over and over, people become good at self-attack and carry the skill into adulthood. It becomes an integral part of regular daily life, almost like breathing.

2. Method of Discipline
Often caretakers don’t teach children how to set limits, or boundaries, how to structure themselves, or reward themselves. These skills are needed for discipline (which is sticking with things that are hard in the present, in order to achieve a longer-term desire). If people do not learn these skills, their way of disciplining themselves can be to attack themselves, when they don’t do what they think they “should.” For example, “Stop being lazy and stupid and do your homework.” Or, “Don’t eat that pie, you’re a fat pig!” This method of shaming can provide some rudimentary support for getting through obstacles to something one wants, but it causes a great deal of destruction in the process, and often backfires—causing rebellion against the “discipline.”

3. Lack of Information about their Value
When children don’t feel valued by their caretakers, they naturally conclude they have no value. This conclusion colors the way they see themselves in every aspect of their lives. The message that they have no value becomes a pretty constant “voice” in their thoughts that follows them into adulthood. This conclusion that they have no value can come from caretakers overtly shaming kids.

But it can also come from neglect, or lack of love or attention. Children who don’t get what they need emotionally gather that they must not have deserved it. This can even happen when there is no abuse involved. For example, children who are adopted into a loving family may determine that they had no value to their birth parents, and therefore aren’t worthy of much from others they encounter.

4. Preserving Parents and Power
When caretakers are brutal, absent, or unable to meet the emotional, needs of their children, the children have a choice to conclude either that there is something wrong with the parent or caretaker who is causing pain the child experiences, or there is something wrong with “me” (the child) for causing the caretaker’s behavior. For the child to conclude it is the parent, generally means acknowledging that the parent isn’t competent to take good care of their children.

For a child, not having a competent caretaker is life-threatening. So children generally do anything to avoid believing that their parent is unable to take care of them. This leaves children with the only other conclusion they can come to, given their limited experience, and great need—that there is something wrong with themselves. This preserves the belief that the parent is safe to depend on, and has the added advantage of allowing children to believe they have some control in their painful circumstances.

If I, as the child, believe I caused the abuse, then I can also believe that changing my behavior will stop the abuse. If I am a helpless victim of my caretaker, there is very little hope for my life to improve. So, most children attack themselves when their parents are hurting them to preserve their positive image of their parents, and to give themselves an illusion of control over the hurt, abuse or neglect.

5. Guilt
Sometimes children blame themselves for anything that goes wrong in the family (illness, death, mental illness, accidents, injuries, divorce, etc.) for various reasons. Common motives for self-blame include misunderstanding, attempting to feel powerful, being blamed for the problem by someone else, or, on occasion, having something directly to do with what went wrong. Children can carry that guilt into adulthood, punishing themselves with self-attack about much more than the original problem.

6. Imitating Peers
Sometimes people are repeatedly shamed, but not by parents or caretakers. Instead, siblings, and/or peers may be responsible. This can also turn the child’s belief system into one that legitimizes the bad treatment. They take on the belief that they deserve it. When they come to this conclusion, they have learned to continue this attack inside themselves.

7. A Way of Coping
Children who are overwhelmed with their feelings and are not given any skills for handling them have to scramble to use whatever resources they have to deal with these feelings on their own. Sometimes one of these resources is self-attack. Rather than feeling sharp, intense or disorienting emotional pain, children can convert these overwhelming, confusing feelings into a focused activity.

In multiple cases, self attack presents itself as a way of coping that seems to bring matters under the child’s control. When this happens, there is actually some comfort associated with self-attacking thoughts, just as there can be comfort in starving or cutting oneself. This is one reason cognitive-behavioral therapy alone often doesn’t work—people can not afford to give up thoughts they depend on to comfort themselves.

People attack themselves as a method of self-defense, coping, or due to the fact that we all, especially as children, are hard-wired neurologically to imitate those around us. In therapy, we find the origins of the self-attack and the purposes we use it toward. We then look for ways to provide the same functions without the negative consequences self-attack brings with it.

In some cases of rewiring, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is a helpful option. In other cases, imitating the therapist offers a transitional alternative to the results of imitation of critical parents. However we get there, all of us ultimately have to become nurturing, compassionate parents to ourselves. That is the goal of childhood and good parenting, just as it is the badge of happiness and adulthood.